GREENSLADE: The BBC presents Agents Sellers, Secombe and Milligan in the - er - the - er - [Whispers] Look, I'm new here ... SECOMBE: [whispers] Here - on this paper ... GREENSLADE: The Goat Show. [Whispers] You sure this is right? SECOMBE: We'll have to get another typist - it's really The Goon Show and... ORCHESTRA: Awful chord GREENSLADE: This is getting silly. Ahem - today, in the American Senate, Senator Vanderschmidt said - VANDERSCHMIDT: [powerful American accent] Money! GREENSLADE: And he continued by saying - VANDERSCHMIDT: Hern. Hern. Hern. [Fades] Money - hern hern money. GREENSLADE: In response on March 3rd in the House of Commons at four o'clock, the Prime Minister said - PM: Tea? FX: Mad rush of politicians stampeding for canteen-cries of TEA! TEA! CAKE! CAKE! GREENSLADE: These ev... [he is interrupted by the orchestra] ORCHESTRA: Terrible chord GREENSLADE: These everyday exchanges in our political circles are made known to us all by the daily newspapers - tsk tsk. But what of the secret services? MILLIGAN: Yes indeed, what of them [embarrassing pause] GREENSLADE: Oh, I didn't know you'd finished - it's got engaged on the door. We give you now only one story of only one minute fragment in this mosaic of political intrigue. Take the case of Agent X2. [Fade] SEAGOON: I am X2. My miss - [He is interrupted by the orchestra] ORCHESTRA: Dramatic chord SEAGOON: For God's sake! My mission started when I was called to HQ MI5. I was disguised as a commuter, but I'd hardly got on board the train when I had the uneasy feeling I was being followed - a man in uniform - FX: Train door slides open SEAGOON: He approached me with something in his hand. COLLECTOR: Tickets, please. SEAGOON: Oh yes! COLLECTOR: Here. This is a platform ticket. SEAGOON: That's allright, I always travel by platform COLLECTOR: Where's your ticket? SEAGOON: Just joking. Here we are. COLLECTOR: I know we're here, but where's your ticket? SEAGOON: There COLLECTOR: Wait a minute, this ticket's from Dover to Melbourne, Steerage Class - this is the Central Line Tube. SEAGOON: April Fool! COLLECTOR: This is December! SEAGOON: Oh, my calendar must be slow. There. My ticket. COLLECTOR: Thank you. COLLECTOR: This here ticket was issued in 1902. SEAGOON: Really? Gad, we're running late. COLLECTOR: And it's for the Brighton to London stagecoach. SEAGOON: Yes, indeed COLLECTOR: This ain't a bloody stagecoach, mate. SEAGOON: You mean this train isn't horsedrawn? I demand my money back. COLLECTOR: You got to pay for the ticket. Where did you get on? SEAGOON: [aside] Curse! The game's up. [Aloud] Where was that last station? COLLECTOR: Clapham Junction. SEAGOON: That's it. That's where I got on. COLLECTOR: But we didn't stop there. SEAGOON: You think it was easy? COLLECTOR: Where are you going to? SEAGOON: The next station. COLLECTOR: Right, that'll be eighteen shillings and threepence. FX: Coins - cascades of them SERAGOON: Sorry, it's all in farthings COLLECTOR: Thank you FX: Door closes SEAGOON: Fool. Little does he know that the real fare is not eighteen and threepence, but thirty-two pounds six shillings COLLECTOR: Little does he know that I'm nothing to do with the railway at all. ORCHESTRA: Boom-boom-chord GREENSLADE: Thus Seagoon arrived at HQ MI5, with the wind behind him. FX: Raspberry. Door opens 'M': [Upper class twit] Ah, come in X2. Now, you know what we want you for. SEAGOON: No 'M': Oh dear. Well, don't go away. We'll think of something. Ever been to Russia? SEAGOON: No - but I've been to Scunthorpe. 'M': That'll do.Colonel Brolicks, will you explain to him? BROLLICKS: Yes, well, we have reason to believe that the Russians have perfected a time machine. With it they could go forward into the future; once there they'd build planes that would travel faster than the speed of light. They've got to be stopped doing such a thing. You're the man for the job. SEAGOON: Oh, ta! BROLLICKS: Thank you. Are you married? SEAGOON: No, I want to remain celibate. BROLLICKS: Understandable. Then marry a nun. Now, I would go on this mission myself, but, well, it's to dangerous. SEAGOON: You mean, I might get killed? BROLLICKS: Let me put it this way - yes. FX: Door opens 'M': Ah, Mr Crun! Mr - HENRY CRUN: Ahhh - Go - go - good mor - mor - mor - morning. "M": Morning. This man hiding under the table is X2. Would you go under and brief him? HENRY CRUN: Ah! Go - go - good mor- mor- morning, Mi- Mi- Mister - Mister - SEAGOON: Mister Captain Hairy Seagoon at your service, sir. HENRY CRUN: Ah yes, Mister CaptainSeagoonatyourservicesir. Now, here is a photo of the Russian master spy, Igor Blimey. He's escaped from every prison camp in Europe. SEAGOON: There's nothing on this photograph. HENRY CRUN: He's escaped again! They call him the Silent Bugler. SEAGOON: The Silent Bugler? HENRY CRUN: Nobody has ever seen him. But here is a rare record of him. FX: Record goes on - no sound, only surface noise. SEAGOON: I can't hear anything. HENRY CRUN: That's him! The Silent Bugler. If you ever hear anything like that, be on your guard. SEAGOON: With that warning ringing in my teeth, I spent the next three weeks training to listen to silences under Major Bloodnok. ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme. FX: Explosion. BLOODNOK: Ah, ooh! Batman? A clean pair and hurry! Now, you were saying, Mister Captain Seagoonatyourservice? SEAGOON: I said, during the last war they say you were taken prisoner. BLOODNOK: Yes, yes, but I escaped. SEAGOON: Where from? BLOODNOK: Dartmoor. Now, first of all, your disguises. Stand by to check. One ginger thermal beard with detachable bells and suppositories. SEAGOON: Yes. BLOODNOK: One pair of reversable plastic socks easily convertable to dog cardigan or bust of Marilyn Monroe. SEAGOON: Yes. BLOODNOK: One pair of false cardboard skis. One fur-lined wicker teapot with underwater escape apparatus and view of the Matterhorn. SEAGOON : Yes. BLOODNOK: One rubber dagger. SEAGOON: What's the use of a rubber dagger? BLOODNOK: We won't want to shed blood needlesly. Now, finance. Three thousand lire in rupees, payable in pesetas at any Mongolian bank whilst wearing tennis shoes in a thunderstorm during an equinox of the moon. SEAGOON: That'll do nicely. BLOODNOK: Now, the sensitivity test. I shall just blindfold you. Now, I want you to tell me what I'm doing. Right? SEAGOON: Er, you're taking my gold ring off my finger. BLOODNOK: Yes, yes, yes. SEAGOON: Now, you're removing my gold watch. And my fountain pen from my pocket. BLOODNOK: Bravo, keep it up. SEAGOON: Now you're taking my wallet. And my money belt - now you're tying me to a chair - BLOODNOK: (from distance) Keep going. SEAGOON: I can't feel you doing anything now. Hello, Major? Major? Hello - Hello - ... you SWINE! ORCHESTRA: Awful chords again. GREENSLADE: That appears to be the end of The Silent Bugler, Part One. Now a smile, a harmonica, a large nose - Max Geldray. MAX GELDRAY and ORCHESTRA GREENSLADE: Now, the Si... ORCHESTRA: Awfull chords. GREENSLADE: The Silent Bugler, Part Two? How time flies. First, for listeners who have just tuned in, here is a rapid synopsis. FX: Run first part of show at high speed, slow down to hear Seagoon say 'you SWINE!' GREENSLADE: Now read on. SEAGOON: Before my departure to Russia, I took one final test. BROLLICKS: We want you to identify small objects that will be held up in rapid succession, Sergeant Eccles, do your duty. ECCLES: OK. The first object I hold up is this. SEAGOON: It's a banana! ECCLES: Good, good. [Eats it] Dat got rid of that. Now then, what's this? SEAGOON: A pencil. FX: Sound of man eating a pencil. ECCLES: Good. [Gulps] And dat got rid of dat!. What's this [grunting and straining] that I'm holding? SEAGOON: Er, let me see... ECCLES: Hurry up - I can't hold it up all day! Come on! Look at the shape. Fx: Creaking noises as of something about to give way. SEAGOON: Yes. I've seen one like it. Er - no, I'm not quite sure. I give up. What is it? ECCLES: It's an elephant. FX: Eccles drops elephant. SEAGOON: Ah, of course - he was the big one. ECCLES: Ohh. I didn't now he had a big one. BROLLICKS: Now, Seagoon, just one more small thing. Private Bluebottle. BLUEBOTTLE: Sir! I heard you call, sir Captain, I heard you. Hello everybody and sir. Like a jelly baby? BROLLICKS: No thank you, baby. SEAGOON: I understand you have a secret weapon for me. BLUEBOTTLE: I have it, I have. Unscrews false kneecaps, takes out secret gun. Am in agony, as I have not got false kneecaps. Puts on bold face. It still hurts, though. SEAGOON: Oh, what is it? BLUEBOTTLE: It's my backshot pistol. SEAGOON: You mean, whoever fires the pistol gets killed himself? BLUEBOTTLE: Yes. you just give it to the enemy, he aims at you, and then - bang! - he gets deaded himself. He, he, he! SEAGOON: How does it work? BLUEBOTTLE: I'll show you. I just point the gun at you, then I pull the trigger and - ah hah! No! You point it at me, and you pull the trigger. SEAGOON: So, I point it at you like this. BLUEBOTTLE: No! Don't point it at me, point it at yourself - I think - SEAGOON: But you said - FX Gunshot. BLUEBOTTLE: [Screams] You rotten swine you - right in my hat, look at the hole! People can see in now and laugh at my school hair cut! [Seagoon and Bluebottle walk away. Seagoon comforting him] [Silence] GREENSLADE: Oh! The Silent Bugler, Part Three. Sorry, Took me by surprise. SELLERS: In a dark car wearing a frilly hat with the brim well over the headlights, Seagoon was driven to a submerged airport. FX: Plane on tarmac, engine running. GREENSLADE: [Announcing through bull horn] Will all passenger with a disguised M15 ticket for mystery flight X to undisclosed destination, please inflate their false wigs and crawl as inconspicuously as possible to the isolated black plane standing in the shadow of the barbed wire. Thank you. OFFICIAL: Mystery flight X, this way, please. Passports, please. Name? BLOODNOK: Mrs Gladys Murgatroyd, widow and go go dancer with walnuts. OFFICIAL: Right, next. ECCLES: Woof, woof, growl, woof. FX: Stamping passport. OFFICIAL Right, next. GREENSLADE: Just an old BBC Announcer, OFFICIAL: Good luck, next. FX: Rubber stamp. SELLERS: Sir Arthur Brogglers, child molester and plumber. OFFICIAL: [Screams] Oh! My finger! SELLERS: Little does he know I am not Sir Arthur Brogglers, child molester an plumber but - Dick Scratcher. ECCLES: Little does he know that I am not woof, woof growl, but growlf woof, woof. BLOODNOK: Little does he know that I am not Mrs Gladys Murgatroyd, widow and go go dancer, but secret agent X. OFFICIAL: Now you, sir? SEAGOON: I am X22, or Captain Hairy Seagoon. Secret British agent. OFFICIAL: Ha ha ha! You - you a secret agent (Reels away in fits of laughter) SEAGOON: Plainly he didn't believe me. OFFICIAL: Close bulkhead doors. Fasten your safety belts, please. MINNIE BANNISTER: Morning ALL: Morning FX: Plane starts to move away MINNIE BANNISTER: Morning, everybody. Everybody take your seats please. All safety belts to be fastened. Come on, Captain Seagoon, you must fasten your belt now. SEAGOON: Why? MINNIE BANNISTER: Because your trousers are coming down. Now, don't be nervous, flying isn't dangerous - crashing is dangerous. FX Plane takes off RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET SEAGOON: By now I was deep in enemy territory. Very very deep. I was dropped without a parachute. Walking along the Fredstrasse in Dresden I was halted by two men heavily disguised as Englishmen. BLOODNOK: Good Morgen, Herr, Seagoon. And how is mein herr this morning? SEAGOON: Going a bit thin on top. BLOODNOK: Achtung Spitfire, egg in the eye, Rommel, gezeitung, up the old gelingen blar... SEAGOON: [Aside] I must reply. Ahem. Si si signor [Aside] Poor German fool. Little do they know that I am not really a German, but I speak the language fluently. BLOODNOK: Poor German fool. Little does he know that I am not a poor German fool, but Major Bloodnok, a poor English fool. ECCLES: Pardon, mein herr, gute morgen. FX: Austrian cuckoo clock SEAGOON: Ach, Himmel! Ten to one - time to open my sealed orders. BLOODNOK: Two twenty - time to open my sealed orders. ECCLES: Twenty to three - time to open my sealed orders. SEAGOON: It says, The man standing before you is Major Bloodnok X. BLOODNOK: Mine says, The man standing before you is Captain Seagoon X2, who has just informed you who you are. ECCLES: Mine says, Beat two eggs, add four ounces of flour... Ohh, it's Mrs Beeton's Cookery Book. BLOODNOK: X2? SEAGOON: X? ECCLES: Er - two x and bacon! BLOODNOK: We shall meet here when the clock strikes one. SEAGOON: Right. FX: Clock strikes one. SEAGOON: Bloodnok! BLOODNOK: Seagoon! ECCLES: Two x and bacon FX: Bloodnok and Seagoon hitting Eccles. BLOODNOK: That's enough, we'll save him for later. FX: Phone rings. BLOODNOK: Don't answer that phone! It's ringing in Russian! SEAGOON: Don't worry, I'll put on this false thermal beard. Now. Hello? Who's speaking? GREENSLADE: If you take that bloody slly beard off, I'll tell you. Now listen, this is HQ M15. Orders. The location of the time machine is in the Dresden Opera House. ECCLES: I can't sing an note. SEAGOON: Shut up! Men, the Dresden Opera House, hurry. FX: men hurrying away - fade out then fade back. BLOODNOK: [Breathless] Ah, here we are - echausted. What's this say? Today's symphony concert featuring - Relgub Tneliseht? SEAGOON: Gad, that spells the Silent Bugler backwards. FX: Orchestra tuning up ECCLES: Ah, here's an empty box. Not a match left in. BLOODNOK: We're just in time to miss the first movements. SEAGOON: Look at the orchestra. They must be all of an hundred and fifty ECCLES: Some look much younger. SEAGOON: Shut up, and listen. GRAMS: Opening of 'Unfinished Symphony' SEAGOON: I wonder which one is the Silent Bugler. BLOODNOK: That's him. Curse, he's stopped playing. SEAGOON: I didn't hear him. BLOODNOK: Well, listen - there he is now. SEAGOON: Where, where? BLOODNOK: Blast, he's gone again. SEAGOON: What was that? The music seemed to repeat. BLOODNOK: I didn't notice anything, and I know my Wagner backwards. SEAGOON: They're not playing it backwards. GRAMS Music slows down like a grammophone record winding down. SEAGOON: Good heavens, the orchestra's miming to a grammophone record - another BBC economy! BLOODNOK: Then the Silent Bugler - SEAGOON: He doesn't exist - it must be all a bluff. BLOODNOK: You mean - SEAGOON: The whole orchestra are secret Russian agents. We must get out of here quick. ECCLES: But the time machine? SEAGOON: We must split up. ECCLES: How do I split up? SEAGOON: Shut up! We must split up and look under the theatre. Wait - (slowly) - how do I know you're both not the enemy agents? Your identity cards, please. BLOODNOK: My card. SEAGOON: [reads] Major D, Bloodnok. My card. BLOODNOK: [reads] Captain H. Seagoon. ECCLES: My card! BLOODNOK: [reads] The two of clubs. FX: Eccles being hit GREENSLADE: Here is a short résumé of what you're missing on TV: SELLERS: Helen Lovejoy, beuatiful heiress to the Halibut millions has been jilted at the altar by Villion de Paprikon, one-legged son of Louis XIV. Peter, Villion's Eton boating friend has heard this, but being in Tibet not as loud, and he has embarressed Mary, his finacÚe, who being the only cousin of Sir Ray Ellington has cought off Dick Scratcher and has passed the title on to Baron Geldray, also heir to the Halibut oil millions. GREENSLADE: Have you finished? FX: Voices echo from now on. BLOODNOK: We are alone under the theatre. SEAGOON: Look! the time machine. ECCLES: It says half past four. SEAGOON: Shut up! BLOODNOK: I'll just put this bomb under it - stand back. FX: Immediate explosion BOODNOK: Could have done with a longer fuse. ECCLES: Is that why we're up in the air? SEAGOON: Somebody's comung! RUSSIAN: Come down from up there! Hands up in Russian! BLOODNOK: The KGB. Run for it in English. FX: Footsteps running away, followed by bullets whizzing past. SEAGOON: Taxi! FX: Taxi ECCLES: We made it. SEAGON: Safe at last. RUSSIAN: So, you all came back. Hands up in Russian again. Up, down. Up, down. When we take prisoners we like them fit. BLOODNOK: Too late, Ruskie - we destroyed your time machine. We can die, knowing we've done our job. ECCLES: Wot you mean, we? SEAGOON: Shup up! RUSSIAN: You fools! ECCLES: Tell us something new. RUSSIAN: You only destroyed a replica of the time machine. SEAGOON: Curse. Foiled by an unpatriotic script. BLOODNOK: [Whispers] Wait. I happen to be wearing red flannel underdrawers. If I could lower my trousers, he'll salute! SEAGOON: I'll pull from the back. One, two, three. FX: Ripping material. RUSSIAN: Ah - I salute our glorious flag. Long live Russia! BLOODNOK: Get him! SEAGOON: OK, Ruskie, hands up, down, up, down, knees bend, bend - strech, on the spot running - begin! RUSSIAN: [Gasping] Don't shoot! I'll tell you where time machine is - page 33! FX: Rapid turning of pages. SEAGOON: Right. No mistake this time. Put that bomb under it - it's timed to go off on the 23rd November. BLOODNOK: That's my birthday! SEAGOON and ECCLES: Happy birthday to... FC: Explosion. Disappearing screams as our heroes are blown up. GREENSLADE: Well, that's that - will the last person out please lock up. ORCHESTRA: Awful chords.