The Vanishing Room 
(tk version) 

Recorded: 15th December 1957 
Transmitted: 13th October 1958 

The Hotel Secretary was played by Secombe and the Manager by Greenslade 

~~~ - words I can't understand or not sure of 
(???) - not sure of 

GREENSLADE: The BBC presents Vintage Goons, another in the series of programmes first broadcast to British listeners in 1954 
ORCHESTRA: Short fanfare in G 
GRAMS: Cheering 
SELLERS: In the county of Sissex lies the Hamlet of Brodley-on-Cleat, known locally as Brodley-on-Cleat from the village of the same name 
MILLIGAN: Population in eighteen eighty nine, four thousand eight hundred and sixty two. 
SECOMBE: Population in nineteen fifty four, eighty seven 
SELLERS: Principle exports: population. 
MILLIGAN: (Laughs) 
GREENSLADE: Brodley-on-Cleat bore one famous son, the Poet Sprunt. He wrote but one sonnet 
SPRUNT: An art and glued, the clued and garly by. Arnd du full fargen dypen crackley glarn. Be near the clated Brodley bicent down. Ahahahar, ahahahar. Brodley-on-Cleat, by ripple slipped gyzee dead ohohar 
GREENSLADE: On hearing this, the villagers erected a tombstone and placed the poet under it 
ORCHESTRA: Start of 'Greensleves' 
SECOMBE: Whilst the villagers slept through the centuries, its rural simplicity broken only by moments of simple fun such as . . . 
SELLERS: The dreaded werewolf murders of seventeen seventy six. 
THROAT: The black agonised stranglings of seventy seven 
SECOMBE: The ghastly massacres of seventy eight 
SELLERS: (Jewish accent) The two-headed axe murders of seventy nine 
MILLIGAN: The case of the Walding (???) regiment murders and then, and then there was . . . 
ORCHESTRA: Timpani roll 
LEW: The Vickers garden party 
GREENSLADE: Can one wonder then at the horror that beset those peaceful villagers when in nineteen fifty three, they found themselves inextricably embroiled in . . . 
SECOMBE: The Case of the Vanishing Room 
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link 
SELLERS: Indeed, the Case of the Vanishing Room. There was only one man to call in 
SEAGOON: There was only one man available, me, Inspector Ned Seagoon. I well recall that morning, when I was taken in my dustbin to Scotland Yard 
FX: Door opens, lid of dustbin taken off 
SCOTTISH CHIEF: Ah Seagoon, get out of that dustbin and sit down. Things are happenin' and happenin' fast. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if the phone didn't ring 
[3-second pause] 
SEAGOON: You're right, it didn't 
SCOTTISH CHIEF: Seagoon, you've got a police dog's certificate? 
SEAGOON: I have 
SCOTTISH CHIEF: Then why aren't you wearing your spike collar? 
SEAGOON: Well it was a bit warm this morning, I - I left it in the oven last night you see I ... [laughs] 
SCOTTISH CHIEF: Er you silly little doggy you 
SEAGOON: [Makes dog noises] 
SCOTTISH CHIEF: Oh you are a silly little doggy 
SEAGOON: [Makes short dog noise] 
SCOTTISH CHIEF: However, there's been a diabolical murder at Brodley-on-Cleat. I want you to find out a few things. hu-a-mu-ow 
SEAGOON: Right, Sergeant Ellington, spread out and follow me 
ORCHESTRA: Allegro (fast-tempo) link 
GREENSLADE: So Seagoon and his hordes arrived at Brodley-on-Cleat 
SELLERS: [monotone] Brodley-on-Cleat in the county of Sissex lies in the Hamlet of Brodley-on-Cleat, known locally as Brodley-on-cleat . . . 
SECOMBE: Thank you, thank you, we've had all that before 
SELLERS: Oh you made me hurt myself! Uh owwl ~~~ 
SEAGOON: Come on lads, this is the police station 
FX: Door knocker knocking on door 
HENRY CRUN: [Snoring] 
MIN BANNISTER: Ooohh, Henry, Henry 
SEAGOON: Ssh, flatten against the wall, someone's coming 
MIN BANNISTER: Henry, nicky nucky noo. Heenryyyyy 
HENRY CRUN: What what did . . . 
MIN BANNISTER: Phish tooo! 
HENRY CRUN: I've had two fish Min, what do you want? 
MIN BANNISTER: I heard a knock on the door, Henry 
HENRY CRUN: Knock, knock on the door? 
MIN BANNISTER: Nicky nocky on the door, Henry. [Thumping beat] Nicky nucky nocky nucky nocky noo! 
HENRY CRUN: [Snores] 
MIN BANNISTER: Did you hear that, Hen? 
HENRY CRUN: Aeough! 
MIN BANNISTER: Heeennrryyyyyyyy! 
HENRY CRUN: Aaeeoouugghh! What, what, what? 
MIN BANNISTER: What's the matter with you down there? 
HENRY CRUN: What are you talk . . . 
MIN BANNISTER: You dozy old man you . . . 
HENRY CRUN: You nattering old, ~~~ shut up 
HENRY CRUN AND MIN BANNISTER: [Both tiredly arguing] Phish tooo! 
FX: Door knocker knocking on door 
MIN BANNISTER: Oooohhh! Did you hear that knocking? 
HENRY CRUN AND MIN BANNISTER: Knicky nocky [etc.] 
MIN BANNISTER: There's someone knocking at the door, Henry 
HENRY CRUN: What, what, what, what? It is knocking Min, on the door, I think 
MIN BANNISTER: Answer it, Henry 
HENRY CRUN: I can't find it, Min 
MIN BANNISTER: Oh dear, where did you leave that door last? 
HENRY CRUN: I found it, I found the door, Min 
FX: Door knocker knocking on door 
SEAGOON: Open up in the name of the law! 
HENRY CRUN: Min, someone's found the brown door from the other side 
HENRY CRUN: It must reach both ways 
MIN BANNISTER: Mercy, save us, we'll all be murdered in our beds I tell you, oohh god, we'll all be murdered! The power! The ~~~, The power, the ~~~. 
HENRY CRUN: (at the same time as Min) Don't worry Min, don't worry 
HENRY CRUN: Min. defend your legs, Min. I'll take cover and defend you. Give me that loaded dish cloth 
FX: Door opens 
SEAGOON: And about time too 
HENRY CRUN: Hands up you devil. Don't force me to use this eiderdown. 
SEAGOON: Calm down, calm down please. I'm Inspector Seagoon 
HENRY CRUN: Is this an official visit? 
SEAGOON: I'm afraid you'll have to put your helmet on 
HENRY CRUN: Oh dear, that'll mean re-potting the Geraniums 
MIN BANNISTER: And the baby too 
SEAGOON: Yes [laughs]. Now ~~~??? where's the criminal record book? Meantime Max Geldray will play a blunt instrument 

MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA: 'One, Two, Button Your Shoe' 

GREENSLADE: From Crun, Seagoon learned that the murder had been commited at the home of Lord Cretinby 
GREENSLADE: And in no time, he was knocking at the door 
MIN BANNISTER: Nicky nucky noo! 
FX: Door opens 
GRYTPYPE: [Whisper] Yes, who is it? 
SEAGOON: [Whisper] Is this the place where there's been a murder? 
GRYTPYPE: [Whisper] Yes, which murder are you inquiring about? 
SEAGOON: [Whisper] Which murder? How many have there been? 
GRYTPYPE: [Whisper] One 
SEAGOON: [Whisper] That's the one. Now I'm Inspector Seagoon and I . . . 
JIM SPRIGGS: [Off, loud] Close the door, will you? The snow's drifting over the body and you know what a weak chest he has! 
SEAGOON: [Whisper] Here, why isn't he whispering? 
GRYTPYPE: [Whisper] He hasn't got laryngitis 
JIM SPRIGGS: [On] Hello Jim, I said - oh, the police the police! 
SEAGOON: Yes, the police! 
JIM SPRIGGS: Ohoho! I-I-I-I - I am Wiliby (???) the butler. I found the body, namely Lord Cretinby, [singing] come iiiiiin! 
SEAGOON: Thank you 
FX: Door closes 
SEAGOON: Now, so you found the body 
JIM SPRIGGS: I did sir, I did, when I entered the library to serve the poisoned coffee 
SEAGOON: Ah. Oh, the library you say 
JIM SPRIGGS: [Sings] The library I saaaayyyy! [Not singing] That hurts 
SEAGOON: Did you, did you see him fall? 
JIM SPRIGGS: No sir, I was too busy wiping the blood-stained knife 
SEAGOON: Mmm, the library you say 
JIM SPRIGGS: The library I say 
SEAGOON: Mmm, did anyone else come into the room? 
JIM SPRIGGS: Impossible sir, I never left the table save to disarm the pistol in an acid bath 
SEAGOON: The library you say 
GRYTPYPE: The library I say 
JIM SPRIGGS: He didn't let me say it 
GRYTPYPE: It wasn't your say 
GREENSLADE: During the course of this mystery, certain heavily disguised clues will be planted, giving a key to the real murderer. Now read on 
SEAGOON: You are Lord Cretinby's secretary 
SEAGOON: So, Lord Cretinby was shot, poisoned and stabbed 
GRYTPYPE: Yes sir yes 
SEAGOON: I see. Did he give any explanation of this? 
GRYTPYPE: Not a word, sir 
SEAGOON: He won't get away with this 
GRYTPYPE: Well I wouldn't be too confident, sir. Lord Cretinby is a difficult man to handle 
GRYTPYPE: He's frozen solid, sir 
SEAGOON: What did you do next? 
GRYTPYPE: I called the doctor, of course 
GRYTPYPE: That's his name, Ofcourse. Terrence Ofcourse, you must've heard of him 
SEAGOON: Why should I? 
GRYTPYPE: I've just told you about him 
SEAGOON: Oohh yes, I'll make a note of that 
ORCHESTRA: Piano playing high A note 
SEAGOON: Thank you. Now photographs of the scene of the crime. Eccles? 
FX: Door opens 
ECCLES: Ah yeah, did I hear you, hallo? 
SEAGOON: Have you got your camera? 
ECCLES: Yeah I got it 
SEAGOON: That's a bit of luck 
SEAGOON: I want you to take some photographs 
ECCLES: What a coincidence 
ECCLES: I've got my camera! 
SEAGOON: Good, we'll be able to take some photographs 
ECCLES: Well I'm glad I brought my camera 
SEAGOON: Right, you're the very one to take some photos 
ECCLES: Right, I'll get set up. [Laughs] 
SEAGOON: You'd never think he was a Duke's son, would you? 
SEAGOON: Well don't 'cause he's not [clears throat] 
ECCLES: OK, all ready. Who's it to be? 
SEAGOON: I want a photograph of that body lying in the corner 
ECCLES: Oooh, ain't he gonna stand up? 
SEAGOON: He can't, he's had it 
ECCLES: Ooh, Well ok, but these pictures won't look very lifelike 
SEAGOON: Have you got a dark room? 
ECCLES: Yeah, I got a [softer voice] I got a dark room that will revolutionize all dark rooms 
SEAGOON: How come? 
ECCLES: [Normal voice] It's got a light in it! [Laughs] 
SEAGOON: Get on with it 
ECCLES: OK now then, ready? One, two . . . 
SEAGOON: Hold it, hold it, you've got the camera pointing at yourself 
ECCLES: Oooh I wondered why all the pictures had been coming out like me. I've got a million photographs of me. 
SEAGOON: Get on with it, get on lad, get on 
ECCLES: OK, OK, now come on lordship, come on little body, look at the dicky bird. Come on, smile! 
FX: Camera shutter 
ECCLES: OK that's it, I took him 
SEAGOON: Well, well, well, we'll have to seal the room. Eccles, you seal all the windows 
SEAGOON: Grytpype, you're doing nothing. Come with me, we'll seal the main door 
FX: Door opens and closes 
SEAGOON: Right, now we'll just nail these boards over 
GRAMS: Fast nailing 
SEAGOON: Now a few locks and chains 
FX: Rattling chains 
SEAGOON: That's it, now the final touch. I'll just spread this micro dust to pick up fingerprints 
FX: Cloping of some sort 
SEAGOON: Ha ha, now no-one can get in that room until I open this door. Believe me that will take some opening [laughs] 
ECCLES: [Muffled] OK, open up, I've sealed all the windows in here 
SEAGOON: Ah no! I've left him inside. It'll all have to come down again. Come on, lend me a hand 
GRAMS: Bricks? Falling to ground 
SEAGOON: [over grams] I don't know why I brought him in the first place. Proper Nelly. Police photographer? He should never have left the Eastbourne beach . . . 
GRYTPYPE: Right, It's all done sir 
SEAGOON: Well done, I'll go in 
FX: Door opens and closes 
GRAMS: [Faint] Door bell rings 
GRYTPYPE: Inspector? 
GRYTPYPE: There's somebody at the front door 
SEAGOON: For heaven's sake, go down and answer it 
GRAMS: Footsteps on floorboards, then tiles, door bell rings 
GRYTPYPE: [Humming] Coming, I'm coming, I'm coming! 
FX: Door opens 
SEAGOON: You took your time? 
GRYTPYPE: Inspector, I thought you were upstairs in the library 
SEAGOON: It's gone, the library's gone. I went in and I walked into thin air 
GRYTPYPE: The room is gone? 
GRYTPYPE: The photographer and Lord Cretinby? 
SEAGOON: Yes, [panicking] they've gone too! Ellington, follow that room 
ELLINGTON: Right, hold tight, hold tight 
SEAGOON: (off) Well done, well done 

RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET: 'Will You Still Be Mine?' 

GREENSLADE: Meanwhile in Paris, where he had been driven by the music you've just heard, Major Bloodnok a well known absentee was checking into a typical Montmartre ponsion the Hotel Fred, little knowing what was in store 
ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme 
BLOODNOK: Aaeeoouugghh 
BLOODNOK: I want a single room with joining doors please 
FRENCH HOTEL SECRETARY: Our speciality Monsieur. Sign the register please 
BLOODNOK: Certainly, certainly 
FX: Pen scratching on paper 
BLOODNOK: [over FX] Mr. & Mrs. Smith 
FRENCH HOTEL SECRETARY: But Monsieur is alone 
BLOODNOK: Oh yes, pardon me, I thought I was on holiday I beg your pardon. Major Bloodnok, Indian Army, retired. Now come along you naughty Frenchman, where's me room? 
FX: Door opens 
BLOODNOK: Right, well here's something for your trouble 
FRENCH HOTEL SECRETARY: It was no trouble 
BLOODNOK: Oh, well in that case I'll have it back again, and get out of here! 
FX: Door closes 
BLOODNOK: Now where's the bathroom? Ah, here it is. Thud me crodger and split me thadera! The blasted door has recently been sealed and unsealed 
FX: Door opens 
ECCLES: Oh Inspector Seagoon . . . Ooh, Inspector Seagoon, you're in disguise 
BLOODNOK: Flip me dongeler and lower me groblers! Who in blazes is this ragged goon? 
ECCLES: Oh don't fool around Inspector Seagoon, I've sealed all the windows like you told me 
BLOODNOK: What the devil are you talking about, you Neolithic, naughty boy you? What are you doing with that naughty camera? 
ECCLES: I was taking pictures of the body 
BLOODNOK: Filthy postcards! 
ECCLES: No no! Iiiiiii ain't been taking . . . 
BLOODNOK: Don't lie to me. How much do you want for the lot then? 
ECCLES: I ain't got any of them postcards 
BLOODNOK: Then get out of here, you clean postcarder you. Wait, aaahaha ooh, who's that disgusting bounder lying on the floor? 
ECCLES: I was taking his photograph 
BLOODNOK: Lying down? 
ECCLES: No I was standing up, he was lying down. 
BLOODNOK: You felt no pain of course? 
ECCLES: No, but it's done me a power of good 
BLOODNOK: Good. Who is this infernal man anyway? 
ECCLES: Well um ah, that's Lord Cretinby 
BLOODNOK: Rubbish 
ECCLES: No that's not rubbish, that's Lord Cretinby 
BLOODNOK: Look here, this is impossible. I know for a fact that Lord Cretinby was murdered yesterday at Brodley-on-Cleat 
ECCLES: I know, I I've been here since yesterday 
BLOODNOK: But this is Paris 
ECCLES: [Gulps] Paris? [Shocked] This is, this is Paris?! 
BLOODNOK: Yes, Paris. Clud me thudder! 
ECCLES: Wallop 
BLOODNOK: Ow. Look out of the window there. Look, I mean look, there's the Eiffel Tower, Montmartre, Arc de Triomphe ! 
ECCLES: Ooh, what's Paris doing in Brodley-on-Cleat? 
BLOODNOK: What are you talking about? 
ECCLES: I tell you that man's in Brodley-on-Cleat. I took a dicky bird photograph of him . . . 
BLOODNOK: [Over Eccles] Look here, look here! 
ORCHESTRA: Mysterious link 
GREENSLADE: Meantime, in Brodley-on-Cleat, Inspector Seagoon suddenly hit a clue 
SEAGOON: I've got it, when we opened that door, the library disappeared, right? 
GRYTPYPE: So right 
SEAGOON: There was a phone in that room, wasn't there? 
GRYTPYPE: Yes, Brodley 3-9-1 
SEAGOON: So if I phone that number, I should get through to that room. Give me that phone 
FX: Phone taken off hook, dials number 
SEAGOON: They don't call me brainless Seagoon for nothing 
GRYTPYPE: I'm sure they don't, sir 
GRAMS: Outgoing ring, phone picked up on other end 
ECCLES: [Other end] Um [clears throat] hello, Brodley 3-9-1 here 
SEAGOON: Eccles, is that you Eccles? 
ECCLES: [Other end] Um, just a minute. [2-second pause] Yeah, it's me 
SEAGOON: Where did you go? 
ECCLES: [Other end] Look in the mirror 
SEAGOON: Eccles, where are you? 
ECCLES: [Other end] I'm in Paris [chuckles] 
SEAGOON: Good heavens, the missing room is in Paris. Eccles wait there, I'll catch the next train to Paris! 
ECCLES: [Other end] Right 
GRAMS: Steaming train, guard's whistle, chug of engine fading for 20sec. 
SEAGOON: I should've been on that train. Never mind, I'll catch the next pair of Paris bound boots. I'll leave for Dover at once! 
GRAMS: Splash 
LITTLE JIM: He's fallen in the water! [After applause] Ta 
SELLERS: Thank you, lad. Meantime, in the Hotel Fred, the manager had made two startling discoveries; a British room was staying at his hotel and Bloodnok had been concealing two unpaid guests - one living, one dead 
ECCLES: I'm the living one, folks 
BLOODNOK: This blasted manager's locked me in my room and I . . . 
FX: Fast knocks on door 
BLOODNOK: Aeough! It's that fiendish Frenchman again 
ECCLES: How do you know? 
BLOODNOK: He's knocking in French 
FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER: Ouvre le port, s'il vous plait 
ECCLES: Ooh, it's a foreigner! 
BLOODNOK: What, you mean they've even got them in France? Oh well entrée 
FX: Door opens 
FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER: Now Monsieur, ze bill. If you do not pay it, we will throw you out 
BLOODNOK: One more threat like that and I'll leave 
FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER: Monsieur must pay for the extra British room he brought in 
BLOODNOK: But I didn't bring it here 
FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER: Maybe not but your friend is lying down in it 
BLOODNOK: Yes, he's dead 
FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER: Oh pardon, then we'll make a reduction, we always make a reduction for dead person 
BLOODNOK: How kind, how kind 
FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER: There only remains, let me see now, 5000 francs for the extra room 
BLOODNOK: What? But I'm not living in the extra room! 
FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER: We are not charging you for living in the room 
BLOODNOK: Then what are you charging for? 
FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER: We are charging you for the room staying at this hotel 
BLOODNOK: Clud me thudderer and frauder me zallibet! Get out of here you fiend, we're Britishers do you hear 
ECCLES: Yeah, just remember, just remember I . . . What am I talking about, remembered what? 
FX: Door opens 
SEAGOON: Alright you French devils, drop that tray. Bluebottle? 
BLUEBOTTLE: I heard you call, I heard you call me, captain. Give your orders, I will work 'til I drop! I always drop when I work. Moves left stage, strikes policeman pose with truncheon out ready, remains alert 
SEAGOON: Have you done? 
SEAGOON: Thank you. Right, Bluebottle, arrest that corpse 
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes I will arrest him, I will . . . Corpse? Did you say arrest the corpse, my captain? Ehium. Turns white, ears turn green, hairs fall out, legs drop off, feels faint, but manages to hold onto drainpipe 
SEAGOON: Arrest him, I said arrest that corpse! 
BLUEBOTTLE: What is the charge? Name the charge against that corpse, man 
SEAGOON: Leaving the country without a passport 
ECCLES: Ooh, but he ain't done nothing, that's Lord Cretinby. It's him that's been done in 
SEAGOON: Is that true Lord Cretinby, have you been murdered? So you won't answer ay? This will go hard for you at the trial. Bluebottle? 
BLUEBOTTLE: Speak captain, let your orders ring out to my welcoming ears. Crime does not pay, I say, crime does not pay. If it did, I would've joined it. Strikes heroic McClusky of the mounties pose 
SEAGOON: Thank you, you've finished have you? 
SEAGOON: Right, now we'll reconstruct the crime. Bluebottle, you'll sit in that chair and take the place of the late Lord Cretinby. Eccles, you take the murder gun, walk in here and pretend to shoot Bluebottle three times like they do in the pictures, right? 
ECCLES: Goodie, goodie, this is fun. Where's that pistol? Now I'll go outside 
FX: Door opens and closes 
ECCLES: [Off] Now then, are you ready? 
SEAGOON: Righto, let's be having you 
FX: Door opens 
ECCLES: Ahahahaha ha! So Lord Cretinby, your time has come, take that 
GRAMS: Three gunshots 
BLUEBOTTLE: You swine, you rotten swine, you have shotted me. Farewell cruel world, eihii! Slumps to floor in death agony, does quick twitch, auee. Oh, there's a nail in the floor 
SEAGOON: That's it, that's how the murder was done! Eccles 
SEAGOON: I arrest you for the murder 
ECCLES: I didn't kill Lord Cretinby 
SEAGOON: In that case I arrest you for the murder of Constable Bluebottle 
ECCLES: I didn't know this gun was . . . 
GRAMS: Gunshot 
ECCLES: Aeough! 
SEAGOON: Look out, you fool! 
GRAMS: Gunshot 
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh you deaded me again! 
GRAMS: Gunshot 
SEAGOON: Why are you doing that ... 
ECCLES, SEAGOON AND BLUEBOTTLE: Aeough, ow! (more gunshots) Etc. 
ORCHESTRA: End theme 
GREENSLADE: That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Roy Speer 
ORCHESTRA: End theme continues