[b]The Mummified Priest[/b]

From the BBC Radio Collection - Goon Show Classics.  Originally broadcast 22/09/58.

[b]Greenslade:  For the benefit of listeners overseas, the BBC transcription service presents "Vintage Goons." These programmes were broadcast to British listeners some years ago, before the Goons became a household word in all parts of the world.  So, direct from the J Arthur Rank gong beating school, we present Peter Sandlers, Hatty Seaton and Spot Millican in ...[/b]

Harry The Gong Show!

Peter:  Egypt, ancient Egypt, land of monolithic pyramids.

Spike: (Thesp)  Arrr, Egypt Palace of the Karnakís fallen temples.

Peter:  Egypt (shouts) EGYPT!!

Spike:  Oh.

Peter:  (Richard III voice) Egypt, where yesteryearís thousand ghosts live on into tomorrowís morrow.  Ah, Egypt, thou house of lock-ed secrets.  Egypt, thou all-mother.  Egypt, thou phoenix.

Harry:  Ahh, Clapham Common, thou place of fallen arches.

Greenslade:  Ladies and Gentlemen, for those of you who would dabble in the occult, listen while we reveal to you in all its pristine brilliance, the story of ...

Harry:  The Mummified Priest!

Orch:  Egyptian music

Peter (Grytpype/Sanders): It was 1889, a very bad year for me; I died.  However, our story concerns a youth, Neddie Seagoon.  A young, swaggering fellow.  Women ...women threw themselves at his feet.

Ned:  It was the best looking part of me.  I was studying at Cambridge University, tradition you know; my father had been a light blue- mainly due to poor circulation- however, I followed in his footsteps too, and after three yearsí hard study, I finally managed to fail my exams.  It was a shock, but my more intelligent classmates comforted me in my sorrow.

Eccles:  Dere, dere Neddie.  We canít all be clever, Neddie.

Ned:  No, you should know, Eccles.

Eccles:  I know Eccles.

Ned: Yes.  How did you get on?

Eccles:  I got a special annivers ...I ...I ...I got a special anniversary diploma!

Ned:  What for?

Eccles:  For seventeen years in de kindergarten.  

Ned:  I donít believe it!  Seventeen?

Eccles:  Well, yeah, de teacher wonít let me leave.

Ned:  Why not?

Eccles: (proudly) I married her.  Ha ha ha ho, oh diddleumdi.

Ned:  Married, you?

Eccles:  Yeah, well after all, I am only human, Neddie.

Ned:  I hadnít noticed it.

Eccles:  Well, she has!

FX:  door rattles and opens

Ned:  Ah, professor Spon, come in sir.

Spon: (Peter) Thank you Secombe.  As youíre leaving college, Iíve recommended you for a post with the British Museum.  

Ned:  British Museum sir?  But could ...could ...could I do the job?

Spon:  Do it?  Itís right up your street.

Ned:  Well thatíll save bus fares.  

Spon:  Itís Egyptology, and Iíve recommended Eccles as well.

Eccles:  Oh goody, goody, my man.  Whatís the money like?

Spon:  It comes in various sizes.  Pennies, threpenny bits, you know.  They pay according to intelligence.

Eccles: (indignant) We canít live on nothing!

Spon:  Live on nothing?

Eccles:  Yeah.

Spon:  Ahahahaha, rubbish!

Ned:  And so we lived on rubbish.  But I got the job, assistant Egyptologist.  It was easy work, but the hours were very long; seventy minutes each.  One winterís night, I was working late ...

FX:  door opens

Henry:  (tune) ha ha ha hee ho.  Secombe!

Ned:  Whatwhatwhat, Mr Crun?

Henry:  Good news, good news!  

Ned:  Really?  What, what good news?

Henry:  Itís itís!  (mouth noises, trail off)

Ned:  At your age?

Henry:  Itís good news!  Iíve just been in the "Victoria and Albert."

Ned:  I didnít know you drank?

Henry:  No!  The museum!

Ned:  Oh.

Henry:  Theyíre sending us an ancient Egyptian script to translate.

Ned:  Supposing we fail?

Henry:  We wonít!  I know two men who are experts in reading ancient scripts!

Ned:  Who?

Henry:  Bob Hope, and Steve Allen.

FX:  knocking on door under ...

Henry:  Ah, this might be it coming.  (shouts) Coming, coming!

FX: door opens

Eccles:  Argh ...Whereís de door gone?

Henry:  I opened it sir.  Why are you reaching over my shoulder?

Eccles:  Iíve still got hold of de knocker!  Dis parcel is from de "Victoria and Albert."

Henry:  Thank you, thank you my man.  Hereís a thripenny tip.  Mind the fog.  Good night.

Eccles:  Good night.

FX:  door closes

Ned:  Mr Crun?

Eccles:  Um ...heís just gone out.

Ned:  Oh, well, if anybody calls, tell them heís out.

Eccles:  OK.  Dereís something funny goiní on Ďere folks.

FX:  knocking on door

Eccles:  Coming!

FX:  door opens

Eccles:  Oh.

 Henry:  Arrrr.. ha ha ha.  I am a silly old man.  

Eccles:  Iím sorry, Mr Crun ainít in.

Henry:  Oh.  When will he be back?

Eccles:  Um ...Iíll ...I ...(shouts) When will he be back Mr Seagoon?

Ned: (off mic) Ah, he ...he shouldnít be long.

Eccles:  He wonít be long.

Henry:  Ah, good, good, good.  Can I come in and wait?

Eccles: You can ...yeah, yeah, come in, come in.

Henry:  Thank you, thank you.

Eccles:  Sit down.

Henry:  Thank you, thank you.  Hmm.  (sings) In the twi ...twi ...twilight, out in the wonderful twilight. (to Eccles)  Youíre sure he wonít be long?

Eccles:  Oh ...sure.

Henry:  Good, good, good, good.  Well, Iíll wait a little longer then. (sings) We all go out for a walk, walk, walk. (continues singing under ...)

Ned:  (off mic) Whoís doing that beautiful belle canto singing in the hall?

Eccles:  Iíll find out.  Um, whatís your name sir?

Henry:  Henery Crun.

Eccles:  Ohh, dereís somebody Ďere to see you!

Henry:  I canít spare the time, Iím waiting for somebody myself.  I cant ...I canít see anybody.

Eccles:  You canít see anybody?  Why not?

Henry:  Iíve got my eyes shut!

Eccles and Henry:  (laugh - turns into tune - stops abruptly)

Greenslade:  Listeners will note the cunning way the Goons fill in time on their programme.

Ned:  Ah, Mr Crun.  I see you have the parcel.

Henry:  Yes, yes.  Let us open it!  Thank you.

FX:  parcel being opened

Henry:  Ah, very unusual.  Wrapped in string and tied with paper.

Ned: (stains) Ah, oh.  I canít get this string undone.

Eccles:  Let me try wid de scissors.

FX: snipping under ...

Eccles:  (sings)dum de dum ...dum de dee, dum de dum, dum ...Dere.  Howís dat?

Ned:  Very nice ...But I didnít want a haircut.

Eccles:  But it suits you!  It suits you, Neddie!

Henry:  Here it is, Secombe!  The ancient scripts they sent us!

Ned:  Let me see it!  Good heavens!  These writings must be over four thousand years old!

Henry:  How do you know?

Ned:  The inkís dry.

Henry:  Ta daahh!

Ned:  Now lets ...lets get to work.  Hand me that camelís hair brush.

Eccles:  You goiní to brush a camel?

Greenslade:  At three in the morning, Secombe has completed the first, rough translation.

Ned:  Crun!  Itís the personal narrative of an Egyptian priest; and it sayís he was buried sitting down.  I wonder why?

Henry:  Perhaps he was tired?

Ned:  Yes, well ...Letís play Max Geldray.  Round the back for the old brandy there!

GRAMS:  running feet


Max:  "Itís got to be you"


FX:  door opens

Henry:  Ah ...Mr Crune?  Crune?  Iíve finally translated the whole script, and itís astounding!

Min:  Itís astounding!

Henry and Min: talk over each other.

Henry:  It gives the location of a long-dead Egyptian priestís tomb!  And it must be full of gold!

Min:  Gold.

Ned:  Gold!

Henry:  Gold.

Ned:  Gold?  Give me that script!

Henry:  No, no.  It must go to the Bank of England, they need it ...

Ned:  Give me that script!  Or Iíll kill you by death!

Henry:  (mouth noises) Donít kill me!  Iím too old to die!

Ned:  Nonsense, youíre just the right age.  GIVE ME THAT SCRIPT!

FX:  fight, ripping sounds

Henry:  (Moving away from mic) Arrrrrggggghhhhhhhh!

FX:  body hitting ground/trapdoor closing - Knocking on trapdoor under ...

Henry:  Seagoon!  Seagoon!  Help!  Donít leave me down this deep cellar!

Min:  Let us out.

Ned: (panting) No one will ever find you down there Crun.  Or you, Minnie.

Min:  Ohh. 

Henry:  Let us out!

Ned:  Goodbye!

Henry:  You must let us out.  Itís our half-day off today!

Min:  Yes.

Ned:  Youíll starve to death, Crun!  Iím off to Egypt, and the gold! (Maniacal) A ha ha ha!

Orch: dramatic linking music 

Greenslade:  Leaving Mr Crun buried alive in a deep cellar, Neddie, mad with the gold lust, the ancient script in his pocket, left England for Egypt, to seek the long-dead Egyptian priest.  

Ned:  Yes.  Once in Cairo, I made contact with a British-type resident.

Orch:  Bloodnok theme

GRAMS:  Flies etc under ...

Bloodnok:  Oh, oh, oh ...ows, ows ...(slaps at flies) Blast these flies!  Oh, theyíre everywhere!

Ned:  As he spoke, he put down his box of flies and match-tray.

Bloodnok:  Yes, Bloodnokís the name.  Major Bloodnok.  Ex-Indian Army, retired diplomat and former plumberís mate.

Ned:  Pleased to meet you, Major.  My name is ...

Bloodnok:  Donít tell me, donít tell me ...Dismantle me dragglers!  You must be Ned Seagoon!

Ned:  Why must I be?

Bloodnok:  Who else could walk under a piano stool?

Ned:  Yes ...Major, Iíve just arrived from England.

Bloodnok:  I know you have.

Ned:  How?

Bloodnok:  You just told me.

Ned:  So, youíve been listening?

Bloodnok:  Only by ear.

Ned:  I accept your apology.

Bloodnok:  Good luck!  So, just out from Blighty, eh?

Ned:  Yes.  Unfortunately, I was forced to travel by sea.

Bloodnok:  Why?

Ned:  Too expensive by boat.

Bloodnok and Ned:  (laugh)

Bloodnok:  Oh, capital, capital!

Ned:  Yes.

Bloodnok:  Well, letís have a drink.  (shouts)  Singhiz Thing!

FX: horse galloping 

Singhiz: (Spike) What are you desiring, European-type sir?

Bloodnok:  Singhiz, dismount.  Four double brandies please.

Singhiz:  Iíll do it right away sir.

Bloodnok:  Excellent, excellent.  Now Seagoon, what are you going to have?

Ned:  Iíll have a "Southampton"

Bloodnok:  A "Southampton".  What is a "Southampton"?

Ned:  A large port!

Bloodnok:  I donít wish to know that ...Now Seagoon, to business.

Ned:  Yes Major.  Iíve come here for a very good reason.

Bloodnok:  Thatís a very good reason.

Ned:  Iím glad you agree.  Can I speak to you, privately?

Bloodnok:  Yes, yes.  No one can hear you here.

Ned:  Right.  Iím looking for a tomb.

(pause)

Bloodnok:  In your condition, a wise move.

Ned:  This tomb, Bloodnok, bears the treasures of a priest belonging to the third or fourth dynasties.

Bloodnok:  Fourth Dynasties?  My old regiment!  Roperís Light Horse. I remember them well

Ned:  I have a document which indicates the location of the tomb.

Bloodnok:  Where is it?

Ned:  The "Valley of Eagles"!

Bloodnok:  (astounded) The "Valley of Eagles"?

Ned:  Yes.

Bloodnok: :  (astounded) Light me crud and throttle me dongler! The "Valley of Eagles"?!  Oh ho ho, good gracious! Well, well, well! The "Valley of Eagles"!  Oh dear, oh dear!  Oh ho, that place!? THAT place?! Oh ho ho ho!

Ned:  Youíve heard of the place?

Bloodnok:  (calm) vaguely, yes.  Why, why?

Ned:  I want you to lead an expedition there.

Bloodnok:  WHAT!?  Only a raving idiot would do that!

Ned:  Then youíll come?

Bloodnok:  Of course.  Now, what about wages?

Ned:  No wages, but everything found in the tomb, weíll split fifty-fifty.

Bloodnok:  Fifty-fifty me eye!  I want half or nothing!

Ned:  (aside) Curse, a business mind.  (aloud) Very well; half or nothing.

Bloodnok:  I accept.

Ned:  Cunning devil.  Well ....(splutters)  all right!

Bloodnok:  Splendid, splendid.  Weíll seal it with a drink!  Singhiz Thingz! ...

Singhiz:  All right, Iím coming sir.

Bloodnok:  Ten thousand double whiskies!

Singhiz:  Iíll do it at once sir.

Orch:  linking music - turns into Egyptian bazaar, "snake charmer"-type music

OMNES:  Egyptian bazaar shouts under ...

Greenslade:  The great expedition was made ready to search for the tomb of the long-dead Egyptian priest.

Bloodnok:  Yes.  Six foot four long, to be correct.

Eccles:  Get up!  Get up, you naughty animal!

Ned:  Why, itís "Mad Dan" Eccles!  Having trouble?

Eccles:  This mule wonít get up.

Ned:  Have you tried a nice, juicy carrot?

Eccles:  Iíve eaten three, but he still wonít move.

Ned:  Well, let him sit there!

Eccles:  Major Bloodnok wants to ride him.

Ned:  He can ride another one.

Eccles:  Heís underneath dis one.

Bloodnok:  Get this stupid animal off me!  Iím wearing clean underpants and a clean sock!

Ned:  Stay where you are Major, Iíll ...ha ha ...Iíll have you out before you can say "Jack Robinson".

Bloodnok:  Jack Robinson!  You liar.

Ned:  Whereís my mule minder, first class?

Bluebottle:  Mule minder ready for active service sir! -Thinks: Is he losing his popularity? - See, I have my mule-train leather lash whip! - Flicks out lash ...

FX:  slap

Bluebottle:   ...Oh ho, my earhole!  Iím always doiní dat.

Ned:  Silence, or youíll get a conk up the punch!  I mean a punch up the conk.  Now, drag that mule to its feet!

Bluebottle:  Aye-aye captain.  I will do dat. - Moves forward to naughty mule - Hello mule.  Nice mule.  Nice friend-of-man mule.  Arise, I say.  Mule.  Here, take this knob of sugar from my hand, naughty mule - Holds out sugar on end of twenty-foot pole.

GRAMS:  Mule whinnies

FX:  Galloping mule, single drum "boing"

Bluebottle:  Eiugh!  You rotten swine friend-of-man, you!  You kicked me in my areas behind the lines!  Oh the indignity!   I shall leave the camp!  Farewell, cruel world, farewell!  - Exits left, towards burning desert, but really hides behind NAAFI.

Ned:  Just for that dreadful performance, here is Ray Ellington.

Bluebottle:  No, the ginger wine!

FX:  running feet


Ray - "Little Darliní"


Ned:  Thank you, Ladies and Gentlemen!  Now, before we set off gentlemen, letís check that vital list of stores.  Dr Greenslade? You have a list?

Greenslade:  Only a very slight one sir.

Ned:  Itís the old brandy Ďround the back there.  Splendid ...now, stand by to check.  First ...

Greenslade:  Yes sir.

Ned:  One crate containing three leather fire engines?

Greenslade:  Aha.

Ned:  Right.  One parcel containing a tall, thin hairless Abyssinian laundry manager, with low boots?

Greenslade:  Yes.

Ned:  A large chest, containing Jane Mansfield, and one large chest?

Greenslade:  Yes.

Ned:  Sixty gross of anti-snore night-shirts, with cold kippers sown inside?

Greenslade:  Correct.

Ned:  Aha?  Crate number four?  (reads)  No contents listed.  

Greenslade:  Iíll open it sir.

FX: crowbar removing nails

Eccles:  Oh, Ďbout time, too.

Ned:  Eccles!  What are you doing in there?

Eccles:  I wasnít doiní anything in there!  I was just avoidiní certain people, my man.

Ned:  Youíll get a knighthood for this.

Eccles:  Ooh ta. 

Bloodnok:  (shouts - off mic) Seagoon?  Weíre ready to move off!

Ned:  Right.  (shouts)  Forward!!!!!!!

Orch:  trek through the desert music

OMNES:  Egyptian bazaar cries

Greenslade:  On and on, into the relentless valley marched the tomb-seekers.  Above, the burnished brass sun, and at their head, the old stager, who knew his was through that valley, blindfolded.

Bloodnok:  (pants) Letís stop and take this blasted blindfold off for a minute.

Ned:  Right.  HALT!

Eccles:  (off mic) I heard you.

Ned:  (aside) Put your shoes back on.  (aloud)  How much further?

Bloodnok:  Roughly sixty miles.

Ned:  I know itís roughly sixty, but what is it exactly?

Bloodnok:  Exactly, seventy miles.

Ned:  Well, weíll go roughly, itís ten miles shorter.

Bloodnok:  So it is, yes.

Ned:  Ten miles nearer the tomb and the treasure.  (getting madder)  The treasure that Mr Crun tried to deprive me of! But Iíll have it!  Ha ha.  The treasure ...treasure ha ha ha  ...Iíll have it!  Iíll have it!! (calms down)  Why...why are you all staring like that at me, eh?  Why are you staring at me like that?!!

Bloodnok:  Umm ...err ...Well ...because youíre so beautiful.

Ned:  Ahhh, hey ...For a moment, I thought you were going to lie to me.

Bloodnok:  (aside) Greenslade, Greenslade?

Greenslade:  Yes?

Bloodnok:  He thinks heís beautiful.

Greenslade:  Yes I know, you see, itís the first sign of madness.

Eccles:  (shouts) Oh, beautiful?

Bloodnok and Greenslade:  Yes Eccles?

Ned:  Yes, the desert madness had got us:  But the lust for gold drove us on.   On towards the hidden tomb.

GRAMS:  Vultures crying

Eccles:  Ohh.  Look up dere.  Dereís vultures circliní ...dereís vultures circliní around.

Ned:  What are they doing up there?

Eccles:  Flying.

Ned:  Bloodnok ...Bloodnok, do you think theyíre waiting ...waiting to eat us?

Bloodnok:  Iím not sure, but keep your eyes on the ones carrying knives and forks.

Ned:  (shouts) Wait!  Look!  Weíre saved, look!  A house!

Eccles:  It is a house.

Ned:  A house, yes!

Bloodnok:  Itís not, itís a mirage.  

Ned:  Nonsense, itís a house surrounded by trees.  Letís go in.

Eccles:  Yeah.

FX:  door opens

Bloodnok:  I still say itís a mirage.

Ned:  Nonsense.  Bluebottle, Eccles, search the house for food.

Bluebottle:  Alright den.

Ned:  (laughing)  So Bloodnok, you think this house is a mirage, eh?  Weíll soon see.  (shocked) Eh? Itís vanished.  Gone.  You were right ...a mirage.

Bloodnok:  (sadly) I told you it was.

Eccles:  (getting louder)  Aaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhh

FX:  body hitting ground

Eccles:  owooowww!

Bloodnok:  Eccles, what happened?

Eccles:  I was upstairs!

Ray:  Seagoon, Seagoon boss, Iíve found it!  I found the entrance to the tomb!  Follow me!

GRAMS:  lots of running feet under ...

Ned:  Yes!  Look, heís right!  This is it!  Itís a long, dark tunnel, leading underground.

Bloodnok:  Lead on then, lead on.

FX:  walking feet under ...

Ned:  Right.

Eccles:  Oh.   Yeah ...Hey, itís dark down Ďere.

Ned:  So we walked, down, down, down.  Into a labyrinth of ancient tunnels.  But still no sign of the actual burial chamber.

Bloodnok: (shouts) Stop!  

FX:  footsteps stop

Bloodnok:  Look lads, a deep well.

Ned:  I wonder if there is any water in it?  

Ray:  You can tell by the echo.

Bloodnok:  Iíll try then.  (shouts)  Hellloooooo!

Echo: (Spike - off mic - distorted) Hellloooooo!

Bloodnok:  Good heavens!

Ned:  What?

Bloodnok:  Thereís a man down there. (shouts)  Are you alriiiiiiiight?

Echo: (Spike - off mic - distorted) Are you alriiiiiiiight?

Bloodnok:  (shouts) Iím alriiiiiiiight

Echo: (Spike - off mic - distorted) Iím alriiiiiiiight?

Bloodnok:  Thank heavens, heís alright.  Forward!

Ned:  Itís no good ...

Bloodnok:  What, what?

Ned:  Itís no good, Bloodnok. Weíve been walking round these tunnels for ten months.  Weíre lost, weíre lost!  And the walls a solid!  Thereís nothing behind them, listen!

FX:  banging on wall

Ned:  Wait!

FX:  banging on wall

Ned:  This ...this wall sounds weak and thin.

Bloodnok:  Somebodyís on the tap.  It must be a government job.

Ned:  Gentlemen, Iím certain that behind this wall is the tomb.   Hand me the dynamite.  Now, stand back!

Eccles:  Right, right.

GRAMS:  loud explosion - debris falling

Eccles:  You didnít wait for me, did you?

Bloodnok:  Look!

Eccles:  Oh!

Bloodnok:  A large, underground chamber!

Eccles:  Oooohh.

Bloodnok:  And there ...thereís a body on the floor!

Ned:  It must be the long-dead Egyptian priest!

Henry:  Itís me, Mr Crun!  You naughty man; throwing me down this cellar!

Ned:  (insane)  Oh no ...no ...no ...

Orch:  Sig tune under ...

Greenslade:  That was the Goon Show.  A BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott.  Script by Spike Milligan.  Announcer, Wallace Greenslade.  The programme produced by Charles Chilton.

Orch:  playout