Wal: This is the BBC Home Service (1). The blame should be spread equally.

Harry: He's right, folks. There are so many in the BBC the blame can be spread so evenly it doesn't notice.

Wal: (severe) Mr. Stretchem, how dare you reveal BBC cover-up methods!

Harry: It's my duty to protect the public, folks. And for this I hope to get an OBE.

Wal: And what do you think you're going to do with it?

Harry: I'd sing it.

Wal: How does it go?

Harry: (sings - tune "Shenandoah") O-o B E, I love your daughter...

Wal: So that's the OBE. Oh, I see. I thought it went: (sings - tune "Londonderry Air") Oh OBE, the pipes, the pipes are crow ...

Harry: That's the Order of the Garter, you silly ... twilger.

Wal: Oh.

Harry: And it's still in the top ten birthday honours, you see.

Wal: Is it?

Harry: Yes. It was fourth last week. Listen.

FX: Till, coins

Harry: It sounds like Peter Sellers. Forward him with hi-fi lawnmower.

Peter: It records as it cuts, and that is for me ... Tom. Now, my applause, please.

GRAMS: Wild applause for 12 seconds

Peter: (over) Oho ho ho. Oh, yes, yes. Oh yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes.

GRAMS: Applause cut instantly

Peter: I'm getting known, it's quite obvious, yes. Minsterel, sing that for me.

ORCHESTRA: Chord on guitar

Spriggs: (sings) I'm getting known.

Harry: How much does he pay you for that?

Spriggs: A free feel of his Rolls-Royce, Jim.

Harry: Oh, well done, well done.

Spriggs: (sings) And a fine master is he.

FX: Pistol shot

Spriggs: Oh, master!

Peter: He had to go. I shot him for nothing, you know.

Wal: Oh, you're a kind man. I think it's time we had a go at The Groon Show. The scene is a certain place, at a certain time in a certain year.

Spike: I'm not giving anything away tonight, folks. Can we have an attack of the thunders, please.

GRAMS: Thunder, wind.

Harry: (over) Ohh.

GRAMS: Thunder continues, then heavy rain

Henry: (over rain) Ohh. There. Er, that's got it in position. Er. Oh!

FX: Hammer strikes saw blade, cod duck call

Henry: Eureka! I've invented the whoopee cushion.

GRAMS: Rain continues under next piece

Minnie: (off) Stop that noise over there.

Henry: What, what?

Minnie: Stop that over there. Toof!

Henry: What?

Minnie: What?

Henry: What? What are you doing at the window, Min of mine?

FX: six dull thuds

Henry: Ah.

Minnie: I'm counting the rain, cocky.

Henry: Come away at once, Min.

Minnie: What ...

Henry: Supposing people saw you counting rain on a Sunday. What would they say?

Minnie: They'd say: 'Ohhh!'

Henry: You see. I told you so. Now, look at the year, 1880.

Minnie: 1880! Oh, and I ... haven't got the dinner on yet.

Henry: Never mind the 1880 dinner, Min of mine.

Minnie: What's up, what's up, what's ...

Henry: You get on baiting those elephant traps.

Minnie: I don't see the point of them, you know.

Henry: What?

Minnie: They've never caught one.

Henry: That doesn't mean we must stop trying, Min of mine.

Minnie: Pishtoo.

Henry: Think of the dangers. Supposing you came down one morning for a greens-strainer ...

Minnie: Oh.

Henry: And found an elephant in the larder, eh? Ah. Mm.

Minnie: Well ... I've never seen an elephant in the larder.

Henry: That is because they're hiding, Min of mine.

Minnie: Where do elephants hide? Tell me that!

Henry: What?

Minnie: Where do elephants hide, buddy?

Henry: Well, I don't know, Saxophone Min. But it's clear to me that they must hide somewhere. How else could they get away with it for so long?

Minnie: Yes.

FX: Knocking on door

Henry: Oh!

Minnie: Ohh!

Henry: Ohoo!

Minnie: Who's that? Ooh, they've ... murdered in our beds.

Henry: What?

Minnie: It might be a man of evil powers.

Henry: What?

Minnie: It might be a man on ...

Henry: (definite) Min, hand me my tin hat.

FX: 'Ting' of tin hat

Henry: Now my sword.

FX: Clatter of metal

Minnie: (over) There.

Henry: Now the blunderbuss.

FX: Clatter of metal

Minnie: (over) Brave man, Henry.

Henry: Now, Min ...

Minnie: Yes?

Henry: Go and see who it is.

Minnie: There's somebody who believes in ... Come! Come in!

FX: Door opens

Neddie: Good evening, I'm ...

GRAMS: Blunderbuss discharged

Neddie: Ahhh!

Henry: (Right in the credentials.(1)) Well, sir ...

Minnie: He's the man from the Credential, Henry.

Henry: Yes. Now, sir ... what do you want?

Neddie: I want a doctor, mate!

Henry: There is no Doctor Mate living here, sir.

Neddie: But you must let me in. I've had an accident, and it's starting to show.

Henry: What?

FX: Door closes

Neddie: Thank you. I'm the local squire.

Henry: Oh. Come in. Let me take your hat and coat.

FX: Crumpling paper noisily

Neddie: Thank you.

Henry: Min, throw these on the fire, will you.

Minnie: Yes, Henry, I will.

Neddie: I was on my way to London Town when my horse took ill with a puncture. Have you a telephone?

Minnie: No. But we have a window with a pane of glass missing.

Neddie: Oh, I'll try that. Hello? Hello?

FX: Tapping on wood

Neddie: Hello, hello? This window's gone dead.

Henry: Yes, the GPO took it out after a final demand, you know.

Neddie: How painful. (ahem) Well ... (ahem) it seems as though I'll have to stay the night here. Have you a bed?

Henry: Not on me, sir, we keep them all upstairs, you see.

Neddie: Superstitious, eh? Ha ha ha.

Henry: Ah.

Neddie: Well, er, have you got a spare room?

Henry: Yes, sir. It's in the spare room.

Neddie: Oh, good. Well, I'll put my spare body in it. I only wear this one for work, you know.

Henry: Oh, aho.

Neddie: Ha ha ha.

Minnie: You've had a hard day ... hard day, Tom.

Neddie: Yes, thank you. I ... I'll be off in the morning.

Minnie: Oh. But they say the bridge is under water. The river Foot has risen seven inches.

Henry: No, Min, the river Severn has risen foot inches.

Minnie: How could a river rise its foot inches?

Henry: ( angry) Who's talking about a river with feet?!

Minnie: (angry) Don't you raise your voice to me, chummy!

Henry: What?

FX: Slapstick

Minnie: (over) Don't you ...

GRAMS: Big fight, slapstick, Min and Henry argue, breaking glass, crashing objects, explosion

Minnie: Now, Henry, don't make me lose my temper. Where d ... where does it ... Henry?

Neddie: He's gone. (He did a brilliant impression of the Oozalum bird.

Minnie: Oh. (1)) Then who have I been hitting?

Willium: It was me, ma. I come down in me 'jamas to get a mug o' tea, and wallop, thun, blut, I cops a piano on me nut.

Neddie: It suits you, though.

Willium: Yeah. Well, I admit pianos 'ave always suited me, you know, sir, I er ... (sniffs) You see, I got a B-flat 'ead, you see.

Neddie: (Oh, I see.

Willium: Ted Ray. (2))

Neddie: How come you've got your pyjamas on back to front?

Willium: Well, I turned 'round suddenly and left 'em behind. I'd better get up to bed now. Goodnight'n, matey.

Neddie: Goodnight? It's breakfast time.

Willium: Yes. Well, I don't like waitin' 'till the last minute, you see. Er, there's only one pair o' stairs up to my room, an' if I miss 'em I have to wait for the next pair. An hour before they get 'ere. Goodnight, on you, ohh.

Neddie: And goodnight on you.

Willium: Oh.

FX: Door opens

GRAMS: Heavy downpour of rain for 2 seconds

FX: Door closes

Eccles: (off, coming closer) 'Ullo. 'Ullo, Auntie Min. 'Ullo, Uncle Crun.

Henry: 'Ullo, Uccle.

Eccles: 'Ullo, Uncle Crun.

Neddie: (ahem) I'm Squire Seagoon of the Fernackerpan Farm.

Eccles: Oh. 'Ullo, (gibberish mimicking previous line).

Henry: Master Muccle ... what ... Master Muccle, what have you been doing?

Eccles: I've been waterin' the garden.

Neddie: In all the rain?

Eccles: Don't look at me so strange, I 'ad a mackintosh on, my man.

Henry: You must pardon Master Muccle ... he's going through the awkward age, you know.

Minnie: Been going through it for forty-eight years now, you know.

Neddie: Taking the long way round, eh? Ha ha ha ha, aha. (ahem)

Eccles: (ahem) I ... I ain't never met you before, 'ave I?

Neddie: No.

Eccles: (pleased) Aha! You see, I remembered. Ha ha ha.

Henry: Ah. He's training, you know.

Eccles: I'm training, you know.

Henry: Next week he's entering the world's sleeping contest.

Neddie: Well, why isn't he in bed, training?

Eccles: Oh. Er ...

FX: Door opens

Eccles: Er, oww, it's ...

Max: Hold everything, boy. I bring bad news, boy.

Neddie: (Gad. the genuine Diana Dors cast of a wrestler.

Max: No, boy, (2)) I'm the Town Crier.

Neddie:Well start cryin' then.

Max: Listen boy, don't laugh at me. I don't get any extra money for doing these parts.

Neddie: Sounds like a fair arrangement.

Max: The valley is flooded, boy.

Henry: Eccles, you watered those flowers too much, I tell you.

Max: The bridge to London is under water. It's a dead loss.

Neddie: So are you, mate! Get an old conk on top o' the 'armonica, and we'll fortify ourselves with the brandy!

GRAMS: Many boots running away

MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY plays 'The Birth of the Blues'.


Wal: Part Two. By which time it had been raining forty days and forty nights, making a grand total of eighty days and nights. The waters rose, and then at dawn ... this!

ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme played very fast

GRAMS: Thunder, heavy rainfall, thunder, heavy rainfall, explosions

Bloodnok: (over) Ohh! Oh oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. what must the neighbours think. Eh, I say Ellinga ... (what's happened?

Ray: Yarug googallum. Marum megatoot tatalamamoo..

Bloodnok: Oh..

Ray: Ohgallah. (with feeling) Oh ah long gark. Oi Goolum ga margara blimey-oh.

Bloodnok: Oh dear. You too, eh? (2)) Eh, where's me breakfast?

FX: Plates rattling

Ray: Yugah.

Bloodnok: Oh. Me chota harzai.

FX: Clang of hammer on anvil

Bloodnok: (strain) Ohh. Ah.

FX: Clang of hammer on anvil

Bloodnok: (strain) Ohh.

FX: Clang of hammer on anvil

Bloodnok: (strain) Ahh.

FX: Clang of hammer on anvil

Bloodnok: (strain) Ah ooha.

FX: Clang of hammer on anvil

Bloodnok: Ellinga, how long did you boil this egg?

FX: Knocking on door

Bloodnok: How long did you boil that door?

Neddie: (off) Major, open this egg!

FX: Door opens

GRAMS: Creak of door, water flowing

Bloodnok: (over water) How dare you bring all that water into my house? Get out, water.

Neddie: It's no use shouting at it. That water is deaf.

Bloodnok: What a tragedy. Deaf water. Explain, sir. Why are you floating through me bedroom on a piano?

Neddie: Well, I was ... I was sleeping on it, in the key of G, when suddenly the great dam burst.

Bloodnok: (You filthy swine! (1)) I shall see my solicitor in a moment.

Neddie: Hurry up, Major. Get on.

Bloodnok: What?

Neddie: Floods are rising at the rate of three and sixpence an hour.

Bloodnok: Oh. Are they? Well, I must dive down to the basement and collect the tenant's rent.

GRAMS: Splash, bubbles

Neddie: (over bubbles) And while he's gone, here's a joke. ..(It appears that there were two men, you see. A Scottish man, a Jewish man, and they were having lunch together. After the meal the bill was proferred and the Scotsman was heard to say he would pay for it. Next day, a Jewish ventriloquist was found murdered. Aha ha ha. Aha. Yes. Aha ha. Of course if I've offended the Scots by this story, we ... we can al ... always tell the story so it ends up with the Scots ventriloquist being murdered, you see. (ahem) Or on the other hand if I've offended both then ... then we substitute another race. Aha ha. Well ... to be on the safe side I should have told the story with different races altogether. Now, for instance, the ... the Derby and the Ascot Gold Cup, behind the legs with the ... (1))

GRAMS: Movement in water

Neddie: (over) Muddy bank. He's back. Oh, thank you.

Bloodnok: Ah. Oh. Excuse me, sir. They were all out. Never mind, I had to turn the gas off, do ... er it didn't matter. Now, just fit this outboard motor onto the piano and er ...

GRAMS: Outboard motor - recording speeds up and fades

Bloodnok: (over) Owww! Oh! (fades)

Wal: Meantime, from the comparative safety of a long disused factory chimney, a French scragg reveals his financial position.

Moriarty: Ahem, one empty tin.

FX: Tin placed on table

Moriarty: One fish bone, nearly gone.

FX: Metal object placed on table

Moriarty: One ospic formidar.

FX: Metal object placed on table

Moriarty: A piece of string

FX: Metal object placed on table

Grytpype: Hello!

Moriarty: Oh!

Grytpype: So!

Moriarty: Oww!

Grytpype: You've been keeping these things from me, eh?

FX: Slapstick

Moriarty: Oww!

Grytpype: Now, put all that stuff in my name at once!

Moriarty: I'm sorry, Grytpype.

Grytpype: Well, then.

Moriarty: Sorry, Grytpype.

Grytpype: Ah.

Moriarty: Could I have my teeth back (for Christmas (1))?

Grytpype: Here is the pawn ticket.

Moriarty: Oh! You pawned my teeth? You swine of a swine!

Grytpype: What?

Moriarty: I challenge you to a duel. Name your weapon.

Grytpype: Teeth.

Moriarty: I've lost!

Grytpype: Don't take it to heart, Steam Count.

Moriarty: (muttered gibberish)

Grytpype: I have a feeling that any moment now our star will wax. Get your ear to the ground and hear what your ear can hear.

Moriarty: I hear ...

GRAMS: Many voices mumbling and muttering. Chickens in background

Peter (Cornish): (over) Aaarrr. Here come the squire now. Aarrr.

Neddie: Good villagers ... I have called this meeting because of all this extraordinary weather.

Peter: (Cornish): I read in the paper that the ... that's Queen Anne reign. Aarrr.

Minnie: So it's Queen Anne's rain that we're getting, is it? She's responsible.

Neddie: This is a very serious allegation against Queen Anne.

Minnie: Oh.

Neddie: If this is her rain, then we must ask her to stop it.

Bloodnok: I'm a military man, sir. It is my duty, as a senior scoundrel, to ask Her Majesty Queen Anne to leave off raining.

Spike (posh): Yes. What ... what are we going to do in the meantime. I ... I... I... I... I... ahh!

Neddie: I don't know how to stop rain, folks. If there was anybody who could, they'd be worth their weight in gold.

GRAMS: Whoosh, whoosh

Grytpype: (over) Ah.

Moriarty: We weigh twenty stone.

Neddie: Who are you? Explain those frayed collars.

Grytpype: They are part of our entourage. (We were resting in the Urals ... when we saw your plight.

Neddie: I must draw the blind. (ahem) (2))

Grytpype: This man clenching a do-it-yourself beetroot ... is Count Jim 'Naboolas' ...

FX: False teeth chattering

Moriarty: (over) Ah ah ah bow.

Grytpype: ... Moriarty ... who will unleash a truth upon you.

Moriarty: The sky over England is leaking. And that's why the rain is getting in.

Bloodnok: Good heavens!

OMNES: Concerned murmurs, including 'Did you hear that?' and Throat: 'I 'eard that, I 'eard'

Harry: (Cornish): (over) 'E's talkin' out the back o' 'is 'ead.

Grytpype: Of course he is. That is where he keeps his words. It took him years to get it right, you know. The Count continues ...

Moriarty: Yes. I suggest ...

GRAMS: Jelly splosh

Moriarty: Oh! Ah!

Grytpype: Who threw that steaming pudding at the Count?

Spike: (Cornish) I did.

Grytpype: There's two of us, you know.

GRAMS: Jelly splosh

Grytpype: Oww! Thank you.

Neddie: Wait! You two men claim the sky is leaking. What proof have you?

Moriarty: Water proof!

Grytpype: Moriarty ... Moriarty, play him our qualifications.

FX: Rubbish emptied on table for 5 seconds

Moriarty: (sings) And there's ...

ORCHESTRA: Piano accompaniment

Moriarty: More where that came from - I don't mean maybe - more where that came from!

FX: Slapstick

Moriarty: Aah!

GRAMS: Splash

Grytpype: There. Recorded at sea.

Neddie: I'm sorry I ever doubted you.

Grytpype: And now, good villagers, this is our plan. We will sue the Government for neglecting to keep in good repair the sky over Upper Dicker village.

OMNES: Cornish 'aaaarr's and murmuring

GRAMS: Chickens clucking, animals - rapidly speeded up

Grytpype: (We will of course need scientific premises. Tell me, has this village got a laboratory?

Neddie: Would you spell that?

Grytpype: And ruin the gag? Never, sir! (1)) (Come, Moriarty ... (3))

ORCHESTRA: 'The Archers' theme, very fast, then orchestra say 'Oooooohhhhh aho' - crescendo to cymbal snap.

Wal: That was a special arrangement of the Houses of Parliament, in the key of C.

Peter: (American) And now, folks, a big hand for the hairy speaker Hern.

ORCHESTRA: 'I Want To Be Happy' - 5 seconds

GRAMS: Noisy excited crowd

Harry: (very old (over) Thank you. Er, silence er ... oh ... Prime Minister ... the er (gibberish, then agony) Oohh!

FX: Thud of body falling to ground

Peter: (Prime Minister) (There he goes. Honourable members, a serious situation has arisen. (1))

GRAMS: concerned crowd murmurs

OMNES: (over) 'Don't believe it', 'Rubbish','Nonsense'

Peter: (Prime Minister) I'm glad you all came.

Spike: (nasal) Er, Mr. Prime Minister ... (posh-sounding gibberish for 12 seconds) Thank you.

Peter: (Prime Minister) I'm coming to that, sir. First, the grave news. The village of Upper Dicker has accused Queen Anne of raining too long.

Harry: Ah er arrr boh oh.

Peter:(Prime Minister) (pause) You choose your words well, sir. The villagers have insurrecteds.

Spike: Hai!

Peter: (Prime Minister) So, I have today despatched a steam gunboat up the river Steam Dicker.

OMNES: 'Hear, hear,' 'Bravo' and murmurs

Wal: And that is the end of 'Today In Parliament'. Meantime, here's a non-sequitur entitled Ray Ellington.

MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON sings 'Too Marvellous For Words'.


Wal: Meantime, three men are trying to cross the River Dicker by iron bedstead.

GRAMS: Movement in water

Neddie: (over) Well, it hasn't sunk yet.

Bloodnok: It's not in the river yet.

Neddie: I know, but if it doesn't sink on land that's half the battle.

Bloodnok: Loo!

Neddie: What's loo?

Bloodnok: Half a battle. Waterloo! Ho ho ho.

Eccles: We got a water loo in our garden. (ahem)

Bloodnok: Never mind ...

Eccles: Happy, both of you?

Bloodnok: Never mind, he can't live for ever, you know.

Eccles: Oh, no? You just wait and ... see, Bloodnok.

Bloodnok: Oh. Very well. I will.

Eccles: (pause) (smacks lips)

Bloodnok: (pause) Well? Come on, I'm waiting.

Eccles: All right. I'm livin' forever as fast as I can.

Bloodnok: You're a phoney, Mad Dan Eccles.

Eccles: I'm not. Let's get on with it. I'm gettin' tired lyin' in bed.

Neddie: Get ...

Eccles: My mother says it's not good for young men to lie in bed.

Neddie: Get back in kip. You're in training. Now, all stand on the bed and lift it, quickly before we realise it can't be done. Hup!

GRAMS: Splash

Bloodnok: Oh. It's floating. And it fits the river perfectly.

Neddie: It's ... as I planned, plooned and plinged. Tonight, we'll be in London. With luck, Eccles should win the sleeping contest, and with the prize money we can afford a new sky over Dicker.

Eccles: 'Ere! Who ... who's the Captain of this bed?

Bluebottle: I am. Sea Ranger Bottle of the Royal Upper Dicker Navy.

Neddie: (Who the devil are you? (3))

Bluebottle: Stand clear of the bed for action.

FX: Slapstick

Bluebottle: Ohh! My nut! You try that again.

FX: Slapstick

Bluebottle:Oh! I give you one more chance. Just you do that again.

FX: Slapstick

Bluebottle: Ahoi! (pleading) Don't do dat again.

Eccles: Listen, Mr. Sealoon. If you 'it Bottle - you 'it me.

FX: Slapstick

Eccles: Oww! 'E 'it me! He 'it me, Bottle.

Bluebottle: You hit him again.

FX: Slapstick

Eccles: Owoww! Oh!

Bluebottle: Eccles, you'd better get out of here before you get killed.

GRAMS: Explosion

Neddie: Major Bloodnok, what was that explosion aft?

Bloodnok: Don't ask, lad, don't ask. Look! A naval sloop, and it's firing shells addressed to us.

Wal: (off, calls) Ahoy, HMS Fairycake!

Flowerdew: Oohh!

Wal: (off, calls) Nobody ... (indecipherable under audience laughter) ... Anyone who does will be incarcerated.

Bloodnok: (You filthy swine! (1))

Neddie: Very well, we'll chain the river to its banks. Ah ha ha ha.

GRAMS: Whistle of falling bomb, explosion

Bloodnok: Ohh!

ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link

OMNES: Cornish mumblings, 'aarrr' etc.

Harry:(Cornish) What is it?

Spike:(Cornish) There, a strange monster, sir.

Grytpype: Good villagers. This is a hot air Godolphus balloon, in which we will ascend to repair your sky, as soon as Squire Seagoon returns with the money.

Neddie: Stop! (out of breath) Bad news!

Moriarty: Bad news?

Grytpype: What?

Moriarty: It sounds like bad news.

Grytpype: Oh.

Neddie: The brass bedstead was sunk by naval gunfire, and Eccles went down with his mattress. Worse still, he came up again.

Moriarty: So ... there's no money! Ahhh!

GRAMS: Explosion

Moriarty: (over) Ah ah ah!

Grytpype: He took that badly. Well, gentlemen, no money, no repairs. But ... (upset) ... worst of all - no money.

ORCHESTRA: Descending dramatic chords link

Wal: And still it rained. The waters , and, because of his build, Mr. Secombe was the first in danger of drowning.

Henry: What ... are you doing at the window, Min?

Minnie: (gibberish, through water, bubbles)

Henry: Oh dear. This means we shall have to move up a floor again.

FX: Door opens

GRAMS: Water flowing

Neddie: (over) Good news. Queen Anne stopped raining.

Minnie: Ohh!

Bloodnok: Thank heavens. I thought she'd never stop.

Eccles: At last, a happy ending.

Bloodnok: Not quite.

FX: Pistol shot

Eccles: Oww!

Bloodnok: That is a happy ending. Yes, well ... er ... that's about all there is, really, I suppose. You'd better get out of here as quick as you can, you know.

ORCHESTRA: March 'Old Comrades' (then 'Lucky Strike' playout (2))

Duty Announcer: (The Goon Show, which was recorded, was produced by John Browell. Peter Sellers is now appearing in 'Brouhaha' at the Aldwych Theatre, London. (1))

Duty Announcer: (The Goon Show was presented by the BBC. (4))