The Childe Harolde Rewarde

by Spike Milligan

Greenslade: This is the BBC Light Programme. Come! Let us roll up our trouser legs and reveal the contents.
Secombe: Mr. Greenslade! Cover those revealing off the shoulder socks.
Greenslade:I'm sorry, but I must cut down on spices.
Secombe: Be on your guard then. Now, kneel down and say after me, 'I am shorter than Harry Secombe'
Greenslade:I will never sink that low.
Secombe: If you don't acquiesce to our demands, you will get jelly up your vest!
Greenslade:I warn you, Mr. Snitchelcloombe, that the practice of inserting jellies up senior announcer's vests is punishable by death.
Secombe: Why? is, is it harmful?
Greenslade:Death is very harmful.
Secombe: And pushing a jelly up announcer's vests?
Greenslade:It can ruin a jelly for life, to say nought, to say nought of it's effects upon enunciation.
Milligan: [backstage] Yakagoo!
Greenslade:I pray you listen to this rare recording of such an occasion.
Sellers: This is London calling in the brown euphonium service of the Bar Bee Cee. Here is an important announcement. At six o'clock this morning I fell off the top of St. Pauls. Will anyone who witnessed the accident please phone Scotla.....
Fx: Sounds of someone being throttled and bashed.
Greenslade:A fate worse than death! He passed away that night, in the direction of down.
Secombe:Thang you. Mr. Sellers? Forward with your hand-knotted legs.
Sellers: My music, please, minstroon.
Grams: Romantic Music
Sellers: Ah, that music! It's 1899 and always on time. It comes from Winchell See in the heart of the Brown country, a typical English village with a population of 8 million, two-thirds under seven. From time to time, nothing happened.
Seagoon: But it always gets into the Sunday papers, mate! [laughs]
Cast: [Many Bernard Miles type ooh arrrs]
Voice: I don't suppose we'll ever stop it in Winchell See! [laughs]
Fx: Baby crying, cows mooing
Minnie: Itsy bitsy, dear little... there, there, there, there.
Henry Crun: Dib, dib, dib, dib.
Minnie Bannister: Dibble, dibble, oh
Henry Crun: and Minnie Bannister: Dip, dibble, clue
Henry Crun: Min?
Minnie Bannister: Hmm?
Henry Crun: Look. One tooth.
Minnie Bannister: So you have, Henry.
Henry Crun: How many months is he now, Min?
Minnie Bannister: 439.
Henry Crun: So he's 37 years old, is he?
Minnie Bannister: Yes. Dib, dib... dib.
Seagoon: Listen, Auntie bare knuckle hand, I know you love children, but isn't it time I was weaned?
Henry Crun: Listen, Min, he's trying to talk!
Minnie Bannister: Oh.
Henry Crun: and Minnie Bannister: [baby talk]
Seagoon: I can't go on kipping in this pram, it's had ten extensions already! People are starting to talk!
Minnie Bannister: There, there.
Seagoon: Another thing, I can't go on wearing nappies any longer!
Henry Crun: Long nappies are a must with you.
Minnie Bannister: Oh!
Seagoon: It's embarrassing, I tell you! Look, look what happened to it in the Paul Jones last night!
Henry Crun: You won a spot prize.
Seagoon: Yes, but what a spot to pick!
Minnie Bannister: Oh!
Henry Crun: Let's go in and I'll show you how to bend mangos. Forward with leather, Min [fades]
Minnie Bannister: Leather...
Seagoon: They've gone in, folks [laughs]. Now's my chance to escape! I'll knot me nappies and slide down the pram! Whoop! No! That would leave me starkers! And there's frost about!
Grams: Piano music
Bloodnok: [singing] 'I travel the road, I travel the road, I travel the road, in a military way.'
Fx: Gunshot.
Bloodnok: Oh, oh! 'I travel the road, I travel the road, he travels the road, I travel the road, in a military way' [speeds up] 'All day long you'll see me, down the old road, and when you see me, I am on the road, aye ay!'
Seagoon: What luck! Here comes a man pushing himself along on a piano! I must say, he's a funny shape.
Bloodnok: Stroll me frogs, and sorts me blue! What's this? Where's me regimental tape measure. Oh! Three foot by three? Either it's a tall child or a short man.
Seagoon: I'm the latter.
Bloodnok: Oh! We must be related, I'm a former latter you know. I retired, the strain became too much for me, oh.
Seagoon: Then those lumps on your head are not fakes.
Bloodnok: What a practiced eye you have.
Seagoon: It's been practicing all day. Listen!
Bloodnok: Really?
Seagoon: [sings] do rey me fa so la ti dooooh!
Bloodnok: Oh, yes. I'll have five of those please.
Seagoon: [continues ohhh!]
Bloodnok: Yes, yes. I'll have five of those please. What, what's [Sellers and Secombe crack up] that lovely thing around your neck.
Seagoon: A gold chain. It belonged to my mother's throat
Fx: Sawing sound, breaking, falling
Bloodnok: Woops! Oh, ho, ho, ho, dear, dear, it's broken and what do you know? It's fallen straight into old Dennis's deep pocket Oh! Oh! Dear, dear, dear. Oh, ho, ho. Do you believe in miracles, lad?
Seagoon: Help me escape and you can keep it!
Bloodnok: I will not be party to such a crime! Let me tell you, sir, that I am in the process of finding King Arthur's lost sword!
Seagoon: Let me join you! I'm facing in the same direction, what could be better batter butter [etc, to strangled sound]
Bloodnok: Spoons on you, spoons!
Seagoon: Splins!
Bloodnok: Have you ever had any experience in King Arthur's sword finding?
Seagoon: Yeah, well, I took a course in it at Oxford, you know, and..
Bloodnok: Oh!
Seagoon: and was sent down with flying colors and a pound of 24-hour, quick-dry licorice.
Bloodnok: Really?
Seagoon: Yes!
Bloodnok: Oh! But does your granny wear a bowler?
Seagoon: Sidee-saddle!
Bloodnok: Then you're my man! Come now, hold this outboard motor!
Fx: Motor speeds up and fades away
Minnie Bannister: Help, murder! Thieves! Oh, dear, oh, the child gone, gone and never called me mother. Hello, dialing, dialing. Hello? Police! Eh? Hello?
Station Master: Hello?
Minnie Bannister: Hello?
Station Master: Police, Rail and Fire Station here.
Minnie Bannister: Oh. [mumbles]
Station Master: Hurry up, ma, I'm in the bath.
Minnie Bannister: Oh. I won't look. Are you, are you the police?
Station Master: No, I'm the Station Master. I'll get him.
Minnie Bannister: Good, good.
Constable: Hello, Constable here.
Minnie Bannister: You were the, you were the Station Master!
Constable: I was, but I changed me hat.
Minnie Bannister: Oh. Child Harold has been stolen!
Constable: What? Little 'arold?
Minnie Bannister: Little Harold.
Constable: The light of Flynn Street, gorn? I'll save him, ma! Now then, any unusual marks on his body there?
Minnie Bannister: Yes, there's a pair of legs that don't reach the ground.
Constable: So we're looking for a lad with a space underneath. I'll save him, mum - click!
Minnie Bannister: 'Click!'?
Constable: Yeah, I'm hanging up.
Minnie Bannister: Oh. I'll come 'round and cut you down then.
Orchestra: Untuneful link
Seagoon: Hello, folks! Hello, folks! Calling, folks! It's Neddy again! We now perchance upon two men reclining in a deserted crow's nest, listening to a deserted wireless program. Hup!
Grams: 2Os music
Wireless Announcer: Yes, it's Bert Trusser and His Late-night Golden Silver Strings. At this time of the year, it's when a young man's fancy turns to love and, well, yes, this young man's fancy turned to love and lovely Tom Links sings: 'I Never Knew What Love Could Do' and here it is, and it's called...
Fx: Piano arpeggio
Tom Links: [sings] 'Why, it's cold on the cliffs at midnight, why, it's cold on the cliffs at dawn. I saw on the cliffs at' [speeds up]
Fx: Splash
Greenslade: We interrupt that splash to give you a police message: The Child Harold is missing. A reward of four shillings a pound will be paid for his body's return. At the kidnapping, the child weighed 16 stone.
Grytpype: 16 stone and 4 shillings a pound... that's 45 pounds reward, Moriarty.
Moriarty: With that money I can afford to stand up! 45 pounds [shouts babbilously]
Grytpype: [tries to speak between babbles, then] Please, Moriarty, keep still, you want us both out of this suit? Now. We must plan a plan during this rendering of Max Geldray's conk.
Moriarty: Oh, boy, my conk is still making the headlines! Ploojee!
Grytpype: Conk has spoken!

Max Geldray and Orchestra - 'But not for me...'

Fx: Wooden cart on a bumpy road.
Bloodnok: Whoa, Ned, whoa. Yes, yes. This recorded lake might well be the one in which King Arthur's sword drowned.
Seagoon: What a terrible death for a sword!
Bloodnok: It was in it up to the hilt, you know.
Fx:Punchline music [tired]
Bloodnok: Thank you! Now then, I'll lay down and think of you as you schlep around looking for the old food there.
Seagoon: Isn't it risky me walking around the country in a nappy?
Bloodnok: Have no fear, Neddy! The district abounds in wet nurses and a 24-hour nappy service.
Seagoon: Then I will return unblemished! [laughs] Farewell!
Fx: Quacking, fades
Bloodnok: ...and that is exactly what he looks like from the back. Part 3, Neddy, further away.
Seagoon: [singing as he marches along] ...trap, trap, trapping along the highway, with your legs all upside down - Gad! What's this under the old cardboard oak tree? A sword in a stone!
Grytpype: He's spotted it, Moriarty.
Seagoon: What does the label say? 'Excaliber. Read instructions in envelope.' [opens envelope] 'Whoever pulls the sword from the stone shall be king.' King! Gad, I'd stop travelling on buses! [laughs] [strains]
Grytpype: Ah, dear straining lad.
Seagoon: If I could only get this out...
Grytpype: Oh. Can we help you?
Seagoon: Do you know a blacksmith?
Grytpype: Follow this road until you reach a blacksmith, and when you get there, ask again.
Fx: Whoosh
Orchestra: Scene-change music, closely followed by more, then another selection, then another...
Bluebottle: Make up your minds, you twits! I've been standing here waiting to start my part.
Orchestra: [argues with him, says shut up]
Bluebottle: Shut up! Shut up, will you? You ruined Geraldo, but you won't do it to me, I tell you. Now then [clears throat] [struggles to read...] 'The Village Blacksmith,' by William Wandsworth. Boil, cauldron, boil. Thou art not unkind, is manned in gratitude to Gerald Hairs, of 20 Quert Street Islington. 'Ere, that's not right, that's not a blacksmith. Come on now, come on! Who's the boy who's been messing around with my part? You rotten part messers, you! Come here, you!
Fx: Footsteps approach.
Eccles: I'm the anticlimax.
Bluebottle: [laughs] Oh, dear, Eccles, I don't know what to do you with you, man. What's the matter with you, man? What do you got in that parcel then?
Eccles: A bottle of water.
Bluebottle: Oh. I never knew you went in for that kind of thing.
Eccles: Oh, well, when you're earning big money, you know... You know how to fish?
Bluebottle: Yes. Could I see it with the cork out?
Eccles: [opens] There, there, 'bottle.
Bluebottle: Oh, oh. Is that real water?
Eccles: Oh, yeah! I got the maker's guarantee on this record, you listen.
Bloodnok: This water is genuine, and any copy of it will be confiscated. Remember, only genuine water makes this sound:
Fx: Splash
Bloodnok: [faster, singing] Buy a bottle of genuine Bloodnok water, today!
Fx: Splash
Eccles: You can't get... [Milligan corpses] better than that!
Bluebottle: Oh. What are you carrying it about for then, Eccles?
Eccles: Why, it hasn't got legs.
Bluebottle: What about running water?
Eccles: Yeah, this water must be a fake! Why that naughty Bloodnok!
Fx: Whoosh! banging on metal sound
Seagoon: I say, Madam, are you a blacksmith?
Fx: Hammer on anvil
Ellington: My name's Smith, and you've got eyes.
Seagoon: Oh. Could you help me to get this sword loose?
Ellington: Well I'll hold it, and when I nod my head. You hit it.
Seagoon: Let's get this right... You'll hold it, and when you nod your head, I hit it?
Ellington: Yeah!
Seagoon: Okay.
Ellington: Right.
Fx: Hammer on anvil
Seagoon: Hurrah, that got it out. [laughs] Hands up all those who thought I was going to hit him on the nut. [ad libs] Take ten and thank you and goodnight Gladys Young. Well, then. I'm the King of England! All kneel down say after me, I am shorter than Harry Secombe!
Grytpype: Your Majesty! We just heard the good news! Allow me to present my credentials.
Fx: Metal items falling on floor
Seagoon: What beauties!
Grytpype: Yes. The finest set this side of the wash.
Seagoon: [laughs and ad libs] Well done, you could do with one. Thank you, loyal subjects! Kneel down and I'll dub you!
Fx: Hammer on anvil
Bloodnok: You filthy swine!
Seagoon: Arise! Arise, the Rector of Tottenham Hotspur and Chelsea.
Moriarty: Mucky, mucky, mucky. Greeting from la France, your Majesty! Your Majesty, your royal robes and your royal choppers.
Seagoon: They're too big!
Grytpype: We'll soon fatten you up, lad. Swallow this stuffed elephant down.
Seagoon: [swallows]
Fx: Elephant trumpet
Seagoon: Ah, delicious!
Grytpype: On the royal scales with him!
Fx: Weighing Scales
Moriarty: Oh, look.
Fx: Scales straining sound
Grytpype: 83 royal stone!
Moriarty: [writing] 4 shillings a pound, 83 stone... That's 240 pounds reward!
Grytpype: [secretly] The heavier, the better, Moriarty! [aloud] Come Ned, nibble this roast mountain down.
Seagoon: [nibbling sounds] Gad, it's wonderful being a king! You can eat things that commoners don't get!
Grytpype: And another little fried hippopotamus for you lad!
Seagoon: Oh, thank you! [swallows, strains] Oh! Let the royal minstrel play!

Ray Ellington - 'Old Black Magic'

Seagoon: [still eating]
Fx: Scales straining, and broken springs
Moriarty: 500 stone, 30 pounds, 4 ounces.
Grytpype: A jackpot, Moriarty
Seagoon: Look, I, I can't eat any more, lads, [hiccup] pardon
Fx:Telephone rings.
Seagoon: Hello? King Seagoon the First here, speaking from Pond Street, Croydon.
Prime Minister: This is the Prime Minister. Look here, I've looked up your claim.
Seagoon: Oh?
Prime Minister: And I'm afraid you're not the King of England, you know?
Seagoon: Whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat?
Prime Minister: What, what?
Seagoon: But there must be some mistake, I'm, I'm all dressed for the part! I mean, I'm, I'm on the throne!
Prime Minister: Sorry, sorry...
Seagoon: Well, what am I king of? Croydon?
Prime Minister: No, not even that, no.
Seagoon: Oh. Pond Street then?
Prime Minister: No, no, no.
Seagoon: Um. What then?
Prime Minister: Well, now, look here, what's the number of your house?
Seagoon: 23.
Prime Minister: Well, that's it, you're king of 23 Pond Street, Croydon, that's it.
Seagoon: That's better! [laughs] You won't get me scared into abdication, you know!
Bloodnok: Knock, knock, knock.
Seagoon: Ah, the door! Come in!
Bloodnok: Ah, Ned, what happened, what happened? Where did you nip to, you, you naughty thing, I've been laying by the lake for three months in all weathers, but the weather got too much for me, you so, and the wind, you know it...
Seagoon: I bet it was, man. yes, yes, your search is over! I've found the sword Excaliber!
Bloodnok: Excaliber to you, too, my dear fellow. Neddie, wait a moment! What? Where's me old military magnifying glass... Wait a second, this is a fake!
Seagoon: Whatwhatwhatwhat -
Bloodnok: Look here, 'Property of the Touring Company of Nudes, Knees and Shakespeare'!
Seagoon: [cries and chokes] This means... This means I have to abdicate! Citizens, Twenty thruw Pond Street is now without a king!
Bloodnok: I declare it a republic! I say, wait a minute, oh! Look who's, look who's there in the mirror! Why, it's old Denis Bloodnok! First president of 23 Pond Street, hooray for Denis.
Moriarty: Hurry, Ned, it's a revolution, they will overthrow the monarchy! Pull this coach on.
Fx: Horses hooves on cobbles
Seagoon: Thank you for rescuing me, loyal subjects! I'll see you have tea with me.
Grytpype: And you with us! We commence with elephant au gratin and cement pudding.
Seagoon: [eats] Ah, delicious!
Fx: Weighing
Moriarty: 603 stone, Grytpype!
Seagoon: No more, my lads, please, I, I'm almost bursting!
Fx: explosion
Seagoon: Too late! Why? Why have we stopped? Where are we?
Minnie Bannister: Coooeeeeee
Seagoon: Help! Not the cradle again!
Grytpype: Here, Auntie Min, your child Harold. 603 stone at 4 shillings a pound equals, ah, skeltonfrunderklee pounds reward.
Minnie Bannister: He's a fake, my boy only weighs 16 stone.
Grytpype: Well, we shall have to reduce him. Into the steam bath with him, Moriarty!
Moriarty: Ah!
Seagoon: Oh, please, stop [screams]
Fx: Steamer
Grytpype: Get the steam on his knees, Moriarty!
Fx: Steamer
Grytpype: [laughs] That's it.
Fx: Steamer
Grytpype: Look at that stomach vanish, Moriarty!
Seagoon: [screams]
Moriarty: That's got him down, bring him down.
Seagoon: Oh, please, stop! I'm vaporizing with the heat! You can't do this to me, I'm, I'm the King of 23 Penge Street! I'll have you arrested by the royal policeman! [speeds up to inaudibility] My mother.... [screams, winds down]
Moriarty: Ah, he's vaporized now, into this bottle with him. There [pop] Ah, to the Palladium!
Greenslade: The scene, Harry Secombe's dressing room.
Grams: Dance hall music
Fx:Knock on door.
Jewish Agent: You want an autograph?
Eccles: Yeah, autographs.
Jewish Agent: In that cue over there, sonny
Fx: Cash register
Eccles: [Arriving from a distance] ...dressing room
Bluebottle: It's hot in here...
Eccles: Yeah, like a drink from my bottle of water?
Bluebottle: No, thanks, Eccles, I'm training to be a desert.
Eccles: Oh.
Moriarty: Hands up, everybody! Drop everything!
Grytpype: Yes! Now, listen, Secombe fans, this bottle contains your favorite singer in liquid form!
Secombe: Hello, folks, don't let me down!
Grytpype: [aside] Put a cork on it, Moriarty!
Fx: Pop
Secombe: Oh!
Grytpype: Now, we want 1,000 pounds or, we drink him!
Secombe: Don't let him drink me, folks, I shall hate traveling by tube!
Jewish Agent: All right, all right, I'll pay!
Fx: Money falls
Jewish Agent: There, 1,000 pounds in big nappy spoon.
Moriarty: Ah! Even better than we thought! Here's your bottle! Off!
Fx: Two escaping whooshes
Jewish Agent: Harry! Harry! Speak to me! Say something, Harry!
Secombe: Help!
Jewish Agent: Hold this bottle while I get a doctor.
Eccles: Okay. [hums]
Bluebottle: Eccles, don't get them bottles mixed up, Eccles.
Eccles: Oh?
Secombe: Can you see what's coming, folks, if so, well don't spoil it for me!
Grams: Bagpipes
Doctor: [Singing Scottish ditty]
Eccles: Hello, doctor
Doctor: [Scottish gibberish] Have no fear, this is a piece of pie. Hey, this is a genuine vintage Secombe and it tastes very ill.
Eccles: [laughs]
Doctor: What are you laughing at, what are you laughing at there?
Eccles: Well, I was just ready to in case anybody said something funny.
Doctor: [Scottish gibberish]
Secombe: Hurry up, I'm catching me death of cold in here. Me shiverings gone to the bottom.
Eccles: Oh!
Doctor: We've got no time to waste. The only way to restore Mr. Secombe to his normal self is to bring this to the boil, add a pound of leeks...
Fx: Boiling
Doctor: Goats milk, a touch of sospan fach, my doons a spoon a world and...
Secombe: What about a brandy?
Doctor: Harry Secombe, Harry Secombe, I'm just going to add this bust of Sabrina to bring you to the boil.
Fx: Boiling, explosion
Doctor: That's strange, nothing's happened.
Eccles: Oh, I, I gave you the wrong bottle!
Doctor: What, what, what? The other one then, hurry, it's the payoff, hurry.
Eccles: I... I drank it.
Doctor: Say `ahhrrr'.
Eccles: Ahhhhhhhhh.
Secombe: Arggghhh, lemme out, he's had onions for tea!
Doctor: Bring the stomach pump
Eccles: Oh no! Not the stomach pump.
Greenslade: Ladies and Gentlemen, in the interests of hygiene, we end this show. Good night, all.
Eccles: Aoooh!
Orchestra: Brass band playout
Orchestra: Jazz Outro

Original Transcription by Debby Stark:
Corrections, additions and HTML by Kurt Adkins: