From alt.fan.goons Mon Mar 1 12:47:00 1993
Subject: A SCRIPT! (The Statue in the Saharra Desert)
From: email@example.com (Russell Street)
Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1993 19:13:18 GMT
Organization: University of Auckland, New Zealand.
Someone around here went:
>Now I understand that certain gentlemen live in Oz and Nz, where
>certain things are broadcast on the new leather speaking-type
>wireless. Are any of you transcribing these things for posterity?
I was bored one weekend so typed out 'The Statue in the Saharra
Desert'. I actually have _two_ different copies of this program on
tape -- different set of edits. This transcript is the second one I
heard -- a few more jokes. Oddly enough some portions of the 'first'
where missing from the 'second'! I could post the other version if
there was a strong desire.
All typos, mistakes and misplaced needle-nardle-no and praise can be
sent to me (small unmarked bills are best -- I feel I need an
injection of 5 pound notes)...
Ying tong yiddle I po!
Russell Street (firstname.lastname@example.org)
"Now then, Seagoon, what made you join the army?"
-- "An armed escort and two military police men."
(The Goons Show, "The Nasty Affair At the Burami Oasis")
The Statue in the Sahara Desert
Greenslade: This is the BBC Light Programme and the roof leaks.
Sprigs: Good heavens!
Greenslade: Yes, even worse I have a severely shattered shirt tale
Secombe: Say that again, Wal
Greenslade: Severly shattered shirt
Secombe: Steady on, remember what happened at rehersal
Sprigs: He got a better laugh that way too, Jim
Sprigs: OK I'll stop [??]
Secombe: What's this approaching? It's a lorry driven by a rolls royce,
isn't it -- yes.
It's that great thesbian star of bru -- ve-a-von Sellers!
Sprigs: He's not as popular as he used to be
I'll sing that bit folks.
He's not as popular as he used to be (eeeeeeeeeeeee)
Next week I shall be appearing in 'The Impotence of Being Earnest'
by Oscar Wilde the blagard of Redding Jail.
Sellers: To! All together
Sellers: Oh what it is to have friends!
Sprigs: Ah ... I know I once ...
Next question please.
Secombe: Dear Sir, My wife has just made a pancake 30 foot round. Is this a
Milligan: I don't know -- try playing it on the
Sellers: Together -- the band
Sellers: Ah! Caught with their instruments down!
Secombe: And now folks take up the slack while we unwrap this brown paper
Sprigs: What's that next song [??]
Secombe: It is a lifesize Goon Show in imitation plastic.
Sprigs: And what are these little round things?
Secombe: Gads! It is a set of spare glass jokes
Sellers: Let us hear one, Tom
Sprigs: That's an old one, Jim
Greenslade: Ah, Gentlemen...
Springs: Gentlemen? What's up with you then?
Greenslade: This registered brazzie has just arrived by female
Sprigs: From a bossom friend!
I got it in quick there -- Thank you, thank you it won't last long, folks
And now here is an impression of Tom Sellers reading it
Sellers: Ta, te, to, too. This message shows this week's story of the
French wine yards entitled "I Like Claret and to hell with
Sprigs: Oh and now, here wearing a three knot river is Page 1
Secombe: Hello folks. My name is page 1, but it is spelt differently.
Sprigs: What do you mean it is spelt differently?
Secombe: d i f f ...
Sprigs: Yes, yes, yes. But how do you pronounce it?
Secombe: It is pronounced 'Bang', but it is spelt...
F/X: Loud bang
Secombe: But the 'e' is silent
Sprigs: Silent? Silent as in what?
Secombe: There is no 'e' in 'what'?
Sprigs: Yes there is, Jim. Oh yes there is
It is spelt w h a t eee
Secombe: That is pronounced whateee
Sprigs: Not if the 'e' is silent
Secombe: Lets' hear a silent 'e'
Sprigs: Right -- a silent 'e'
Sprigs: Right -- we all saw it coming, didn't we
Now then a word from Peter Sellers:
Sprigs: Next week -- another word
Sprigs: For no reason at all
My stand in will answer that
Forward stand in
Secombe: My name is Spike "stand-in" Milligan
But the knees are silent as in trousers
Sellers: No trembler?
Sellers: Mr Greenslade, answer that for me as me
Greenslade: My name is Peter Sellers
Secombe: Who's playing you
Secombe: Then who is Peter Sellers?
Sprigs: I am! But the 'i' is silent as in 'looking' [Yes I get it -- do you?]
Secombe: Would you care to elaborate?
Secombe: Well you will have to wait.
Sprigs: He gets them in some how.
It's a joke folks! Oh ha, ha, ha
Secombe: And 'Oh ha, ha, ha, ha' is the right answer
So say 'Ahhhh'
F/X: Bullet shot
Sprigs: 303 -- my favourite bullet
Secombe: Do you like it? I fired it myself
Sellers: Too much salt for me
Secombe: Who heard of too much salt in Sellers?
Sellers: I am not salt cellars -- my name is Peter
Sprigs: Salt Peter!
Secombe: That's an explosive!
Sellers: Ohhhh!!! There I go!!!
Sprigs: Thank you. Trimph of matter over mind
Secombe: And now from Peterbrough, 17 year old Max Galgray
And here he is .. 17 year old Max Galgray from Peterbrough
Galgray: Oh boy! At last the breaks!
Greenslade: Ta. Now the Goon Show proper
I have in my left ventricle a copy of the Adict of Nanties holding an
elephant's cardigin. Through the hole drilled up the bottom I can see
the House of Commons. In the Strangers Gallery disguised as strangers
are two sinister figures rampant on a cloth of fillited Spon.
F/X: Scratching noises
Moriarity: Oh! Ah! The plin, the plin, oh
GTT: Moriarity, will you stop that revolting buttock scratching in the
M: But I've got strangers in my gallery!
GTT: Stop this noise in Parliment, do you here! Do you want to wake them up?
Secombe: As I was saying ....
GS: Here! Here!
Se: As I was saying ...
GS: Here! Here!
Se: As I was ... was saying. Do you realize that the British Atomic
Se: You'd better tell them Lord Puel
Sellers: The British Atomic Commission have no idea
what the effect of an atom bomb would be on a nude Welshman holding a
Milligan: Do the Russians have this information?
Sellers: Would Mr Beaven have any comment on that?
F/X: Sounds of a donkey (jack ass? :)
Sellers: Thank you.
Milligan?: Gentlemen, Gentlemen, the Government are willing to pay
(thankyou) to pay 1000 pounds in cloth for any Welshman who is willing
to stand naked holding a rice pudding and hit by the power of an atom
GTT: Moriarity? I know the very man -- come
GS: Sure enough, those woshes were pointed at an early Anglo-Saxian leaping
house in Picidilly. Within two men are repairing the ravages of Roman
Seagoon: William! What are you doing in there?
W: Cutting me toenails, mate. When I gets in bed at night they tears
the ceiling, mate.
Bloodnock: I say! You in there!
S: It's Bloonock -- professional soldier and ametuer landlord.
B: Have you got a woman in your room?
S: I certainly have not!
B: Well get out of here will you! This is not that kind of a house!
Do you hear!
S: Now he tells me -- after all those nights of rafia and fret work!
M: Knock, knock, knocky knock, chum
S: Knock, knock, knocky knock, chum?
S: That's the private number of my door knocker. Come in!
F/X: Door opening and Feet stampeding in
M: Hello Needie
S: I recognise those octagonal shins. Of course. Its Count Jim "Thighs"
G: The Steam Count has been commissioned to do a statue of
the Sahrara Desert holding a rice pudding and he wants you Needie to
pose for it.
S: Me? Pose as a desert?
M: Certainly -- you are just the right size. And twice as barren!
S: Do I have to pose N-U-D-E?
G: Of course you do. The Sahrara never wears clothes.
S: Not even for supper?
G: Malicious rumors, dear boy
S: But you can't sit down to dinner nude. Supposing there are ladies
S: To continue. How long would I have to hold the pose for.
G: You don't have to hold any pose, Ned. You can move at will -- just as
long as you don't move. Now for salary. You will be paid in the current
Bank of England cigarrete card series of famous criminal footballers.
S: I accept!
G: All togther!
G: Yes, coming on very nicely, thank you
And now to contact the British Saharra Desert Atomic Centre
But first Ray Ellignton will (um) sing through his mouth
GS: Ta! By placing a microphone near GTT's trousers we pick up the thread
which shows Ned in the Saharra Desert
G: Now then Ned -- off with your clothes, Neddie
F/X: Great rippings
S: Ohhh! There! How do I look?
G: I suppose he makes _somebody_ happy
Hold this rice pudding!
M: GT, GT Only three minutes to zero hour before they drop
the bomb -- hurry.
Now Neddie ...
M: ... just stand on this bulls eye and don't move!
S: 'Don't move', he said. Right. Dumm-de-dumm. Gayd if
only my mother could see me now, posing for a statue of the Saharra.
What a proud day for Wales -- not to mention sardines and kippers.
It's a bit early in the show isn't it, now?
GS: Ta. Seeing Mr Seagoon is in a state of de sa be ...
GS: ... it would be appreciated if old ladies with binoculars would all
listen with your backs to the wireless or place a dark cloth
over the speaker.
Minnie: Oh dear
-- it's not fair you know. Not fair...
G: Gayd this is living. Now, what was it that Mortiarty said?
F/X: Woosh up to us
M: I said 'Don't Move!'
F/X: Woosh away from us
S: Wait -- what is this approaching across the desert.
Eccles: Dumm, de dung, dlang etc
S: The ragged solider carried cement sacks, playing an imaginary piano.
He must be one of ours!
S: Gayd that sun's hot
E: Well you shouldn't touch it
S: Well its touched you!
Just then I caught a glimse of the label on his hat
it said "Early English Idiot circa 1899'
E: I'm not an indiot. Ask me any question -- I'll show you I'm clever.
We are clever -- C L E X L X FER. Pronounced
S: All right then -- What's your name?
E: Ahh -- the hard ones first, eh?
S: Come on man! Your name!
E: Come on man! Your name! My name. That's funny, I had it
on the tip of my tounge
S: Stick it out then
Ahh yes -- Fred Smith, Esq. So you are Fred Smith, Esq
E: No -- that's the name of my tounge
S: We must be related. Smith is the madien name of my right elbow
E: Well I had better be getting back to the barracks
How far is it to the fort, Fort Doom
S: Thirteen miles
E: Thirteen? That's unlucky
S: Oh alright then -- fourteen miles
E: See -- it was unlucky. I'm a mile further away now
I shall go amoung you
E: Look -- the rifts!
S: I thought they were aboard!
E: I'm off!
S: Now -- I mustn't loose my head. If I keep dead still the fiendish Arabs will
think I am a statue of a statue.
Grams: Horses drawing up and music stops
Ellignton: Ahhhh -- look -- statue of fat man holding rice
pudding. Just what I need to put in my harem. Keep wives happy 'till
I get TV or more time. Get him up on horse.
Grams: Musics starts again and fades into distance
GS: Dear listeners. What a stroke of luck for Mr Seagoon. Another thirty
seconds and the A bomb would have burst on that very spot.
But wait -- someone approaches the danger zone.
Idiot [Milligan] It's the long lost number eight touring company of the
Singer 1: Ahh my dear. Look at the peaceful scene. Let us rest here, in
the shade of this grass hopper's leg. Ohhh inspiration. I feel a song
coming on my dear. Because of ....
F/X: Bomb coming down and going off
Various bits hitting the ground etc
Two wooshes up to us
M: Look Gryphe-Thype. He's there -- a direct hit. But he is in
bits. Otherwise he is alright.
M: Come on Neddie, it was only an atom bomb. Ha ha ha ha
GTT: Let me. Allow me Mortarity. I was always rather good at jigsaw
puzzles. Now that bit goes in there. This leg goes there. That bit in
there. And this goes in there!
GTT: No it doesn't. Wait a moment. This knee fits here.
GTT: Horrors of mutation! He's changed -- he's turned into more than one person!
M: Well there was always enough of him!
GTT: Let's get him to the atomic centre!
M: Right -- we get him there!
Orchestra: Some music
GS: There then we have the situation. But the capture of the nude Neddie
soon came to the attention of the OC Fort Bowls
Orchestra: Bloodnok theme, followed by the usual collection of disgusting
noises and crys from Bloodnok
B: Oh! Oh! Oh dear, dear. Oh, there must be a cure for it, Oh dear!
Secombe: Knock, knock
B: Come in 'Knock, knock'
Se: Good morning, Mayor
B: Gayd!! It's Secombe playing a different part. Curse these small budget
shows. What's in that envelope?
Milligan: The next part of the plot and a messanger
in the plain wrappers.
B: So it is! Come out
B: Then I was right! Even as I spoke the native plunged his hand into his
lunch basket and drew out a glass ball. (A daring move on his part).
SDA: It's a fortune tellers' ball
B: What! Why weren't we invited!? Oh I can't resist them! Hand me the
turbin. Look at the crystal ball -- now what can we see? Turn up the
brightness... Ah!! Its a nude Welsh man holding a rice pudding, being
abducted into Red Bladder's harem. Action! Bugler -- sound the sound of
Orchestra: Serious music
B: Left, right, left ... ...
Secombe: Engisn! Ensign!
Bluebottle: Yes, captain! What is it!
Se: How far from Red Bladder are we?
Bb: I think we must be within ear shot
Bb: He just shot off one of my ears!
Thank you. Thank you Bluebottlers
I'm glad to be back. And the good news now. During the summer hols
guess what happened -- I started to grow hairs on my little legs!
Nature is preparing me for marriage! Horrah! And for my next part
I will ...
Bb: You hit me again like that and see what happens
Bb: See what happens?
F/X: Sound of steam train drawing up
B: Gayd! It's the 4:20 Arab Fort from Islignton -- dead on time. Take cover
Se: Theres the Red Bladder on the battlements.
B: Do you think he is going to capitulate?
Se: I don't know but I should stand back in case he does
B: Eccles -- you speak the language. You challange him
E: OK. Red Bladder! You can't frighten me!
F/X: Gun shot
E: Ow! He frightened me!
B: Bladder!!! I give you to dawn to get out and surrender or the new rent
act will come into force.
Orchestra: more serious music
GS: Meanwhile, the PM addresses the house
PM: Hons, mims, ma'ams and momes. I have just received great news. The
Atomic Commission have assitatained that when a nude Welsh man
holding a rice pudding is struck by an atomic bomb, he turns into
a fully clad number eight touring company of 'The Desert Song'.
Voice: Then Britian leads the world!!!
Grams: Land of Hope and Glory
Voice: Soon all over England reactors were set up and
atomic furnances were turning nude Welshmen into number 8 touring
companies of The Desert Song. Song, song, song ... ding, ding
F/X: Morse code coming in over the last bit of that...
Voice: Oh they have taken over...
Voice: And it was assitained that England now leads
the world in the production of number 8 Desert Song touring companies.
GS: And what of Neddie?
GTT: To this day he stands stuck still as a statue in a harem.
One move would mean, well, the unkindest cut of all.
GS: I think they have finished. So would you all leave quietly. Thank you.
F/X: Sounds of auidence leaving. We can just hear a little dialog between
Henry and Minnie. This slows, then comes to a grinding halt and
'pops' off to total silence
GS: I expect you were surpised but that was 'The Goon Show'. In real life
they are disguised as Wally Stotts (sp?) Orchestra, the Ray Ellignton
quartet, Max Gelgray, Harry Secombe, Peter Sellers and Spike Milligan
-- who also writes the thing. The only unreal persons in this
recording were, Wallace Greenslade, announcer, and the producer
John Browl -- who prefers to be called ...
Orchestra: Suddenly into theme music