TEN SNOWBALLS THAT SHOOK THE WORLDSeries 8, number 20

Transcribed from the "Pick of the Goons" Series version."Stewers" is a voice very similar to Grytpype-Thynne. Plin also has a "posh" voice. They are named early in the show. Later, there are two Indian gentlemen Ė I hope I have got their names correct.

Greenslade: This is the BBC.(nasal voice): This is the BBC.Greenslade: Ladies and gentlemen, Ten Snowballs that Shook the World. This has no story and is basically fantasia, and is a dead liberty.

Stewers: We take you back to the London Stock Exchange in 1882. Tin, wool, and rain are falling; the market is reclining under the news.

Grams: (voices)Plin: Hello, Stewers.Stewers: Hello, Plin.Plin: Yes.Stewers: You know thereís talk of the bank rate going up, do you?Plin: Eh?Stewers: Yeah.Plin: Where did you hear that?Stewers: On a gramophone this morning. Plin: Sounds rather dangerous. I think there must have been a leak.Stewers: Why?Plin: I saw a plumber going in.Stewers: Hmmm.Plin: Hmmm. Yes.Stewers: Gad.Plin: Gad.Stewers: Water must be flooding the market.Plin: Weíd better buy some right away, I think.Seagoon: Ooow, ooow, ooow. Hello, Folks! Hello, folks! Hello, folks! This is where I come in. Me, Neddie (applause) Stop! Stop, folks. Thank you, folks. At the time I was a runner on the Stock Exchange. I wore a silver greyhound and carried a ginger tomcat.

Grytpype-Thynne: Neddie, Neddie. Sterling is in danger. Itís dropped from F sharp to E flat. It must be saved in the key of G.

Seagoon Youíre right, Grytpype. And so saying, I swore myself to secrecy Ė damn! Blast! Drat!

Grytpype-Thynne: The first thing to do, Neddie, is to warn the occupants of the Eddystone Lighthouse.

F.X.: (music, nautical calls, then sawing, knock on door, and more sawing)

Min: I sit and cobble at the break of day,I sit and cobble in the (mumbles)

Crun: What are you doing, Min?

Min: Iím mending your socks, Henry.

Crun: Min.

Min: Hep.

Crun: (mumbles) Oh, Min. Min, you turned the lighthouse light off last night.

Min: I know. We canít afford to keep it on all night.

Crun: You devil of a woman.

Min: Pow!

Crun: Sssh, sssh! Listen.

Min: I canít hear anything.

Crun: Neither can I. (laughter) Thatís the third time today (laughter)

Min: Oh, oh! Thereís somebody down there! Weíll all be murdered in our lighthouses!

Seagoon: Ahoy!

Min: Oh, go away, naughty man!

Seagoon: Ahoy, anybody up there?

Crun: Stand on your head, put on this parachute, count to ten backwards, then push the string.

Seagoon: What happens then?

Crun: Weíll come down and let you in.

Seagoon: Letís pretend Iím in, alright?

Crun: Alright then.

Seagoon: Iím Cryptic Ned. Iíve brought this message. Itís written on the soles of my feet.

Crun: Oh, a footnote.

Min: Ahaaaa!

Crun: Hahahahahahaha.

Seagoon: It contains a mimeographed copy of Beethovenís Fifth complete with ukulele chords.

Crun: Min, play that message.

Min: At once.

Orch: (music)

Min: Time!

Crun: That sounds serious to me.

Min: Serious music.

Crun: Yeah, Sterling is dropping in the key of E flat.

Min: Better ....................(I cannot decipher this)

Crun: Oho, ...................... (I cannot decipher this)

Min: Now, listen, boys. We must keep going. Minnie Bannister, keep going. Minnie Bannister, donít get excited. Donít get excited now. Listen. Letís all have some Indian ...

Crun and Min (together): ..tea!

F.X.: (cups clattering.)

Min: Nice tea. One or two spoons, Ned?

Seagoon: Two, please.

Min: Iím sorry, we donít have any sugar.

Seagoon: My plan to save Sterling is to raffle the equator in the key of E flat.

Crun: Ooooh.

Min: Oh, poi, poi, poi.

Crun: Itís the rainy season.

Min: Yes.

Crun: The equatorís under water.

Seagoon: Ahaaa! I have forestalled that. Iím wearing the plans of a sound-proof oil skin.

Crun: A perfect disguise.

Min: (unintelligible mumbling)

Crun: But how will we recognize you?

Seagoon: Hereís half a moustache. If ever you meet a man with the other half, itíll be me.

Crun: Alright, Iíll be disguised as (woodwind sound) in C sharp.

Seagoon: Splendid. Now, Iím off to establish raffle book patrols all along the equator.

Min: You sinful man, you!

Seagoon: Meantime, here is Max Geldray whoíll perform a certain unsavoury action.(Geldray and orchestra)

Greenslade: Bad news. Part 2 in F sharp.

Grytpype-Thynne: Moriarty.

Moriarty: Yes, Grytpype? What is it, Grytpype?

Grytpype-Thynne: Take a letter in gargling fluid.

Moriarty: (sips and gargles)

Grytpype-Thynne: To the Postmaster-General. Dear General,

Moriarty: (gargles)

Grytpype-Thynne: According to the shape of my knees, ...

Moriarty: (gargles)

Grytpype-Thynne: .. I believe that an illegal raffle ...

Moriarty: (gargles)

Grytpype-Thynne: .. for the equator is being held ..

Moriarty: (gargles)

Grytpype-Thynne: .. and for certain monies, I will reveal the organizer.

Moriarty: (gargles)

Grytpype-Thynne: Letís have that back, please.

Moriarty: (sound of regurgitation and spit)

Grytpype-Thynne: You filthy swine! (laughter) Youíve watered my peony (laughter)

Moriarty: Aaargh. Iím sorry.

Grytpype-Thynne: No good saying "sorry" when youíre sorry.

Moriarty: Oooow, oooow, oooow.

Grytpype-Thynne: See you in part 3.

Orch: (chords)

Greenslade: Which means Cryptic Ned is standing in the Sahara waiting for a train to the equator.

Eccles: Ooooh, ooooh, chuff, chuff, chuff. Ooooh, ooooh, chuff, chuff, chuff. (more) Whoa (sound of train slowing). Hullo! (applause)

Eccles: Thank you, itís all free!

Seagoon: Listen, I think itís only fair to those without TV sets to describe this man.He was wearing a train driverís hat, holding two sticks, pulling a railway carriage, and eating lumps of coal.

Eccles: Iím the engine. Hahaha.

Seagoon: I see. Thereís a man standing on your head.

Eccles: Heís the driver.

Willium: Yesh. Hurry up and get in, mate! Weíre leaving. (applause)

Willium: Mates all, ooooh.

Eccles: (train sounds, moving off) (gulps)

Seagoon: Is this anybodyís seat?

Willium: Yes, itís anybodyís. Jim Anybodyís.

Seagoon: Aagh! Youíre supposed to be driving this.

Willium: Yes, but standing on Ecclesí head hurts me kippers.

Eccles: Mind if I come in?

Seagoon: Youíre the engine. What are you doing in the carriage?

Eccles: I like a bit of comfort, man.

Seagoon: So sit down there, and donít steam on me.

Eccles: This seat is dangerous. Itís got no bottom on it.

Seagoon: It soon will have.

Eccles: Ooo-ooh.

Seagoon: Whatís that for?

Eccles: Weíre coming up to a tunnel.

Spriggs(?): Tickets.

Seagoon: Quick, under the seats.

Spriggs: Tickets, please. All tickets, please. (applause)

Spriggs: Ta. Lot of people on the train.

Seagoon: (hysterical laugh)

Spriggs: Now, part 4. Ooooh, what are you doing under that seat, Jim?

Seagoon: Iím.. Iím just visiting a midget named George.

Spriggs: Named George? I canít see him.

Seagoon: Heís moved, ha ha ha. Now what time do we get to the equator?

Spriggs: Oh, about .. Come on now, Jim. Whereís your ticket, Jim?

Seagoon: Here.

Spriggs: This is a raffle ticket, Jim.

Seagoon: Thatíll be half a crown.

F.X.: (cash register)

Seagoon: Thank you.

Spriggs: Oh, Jim, whenís the draw, Jim?

Seagoon: Now. Now is the draw. Put your ticket in the hat.

Spriggs: Right.

Seagoon: Draw.

Spriggs: It is my ticket and Iíve won! Iíve won, Jim. Whatís the prize, Jim?

Seagoon: The raffle ticket you found in the hat.

Spriggs: You havenít got a ticket. So, off he goes, off he goes!

Seagoon: Aaaargh! (gasps) Gasping. The fiend, he threw me out.

Willium: And forgot to let go!

Seagoon: Well, I didnít hurt myself. Strange. I wonder why?

Bluebottle: You fell on me, you swine! (applause) Heeeee. Hello, Everybody. Look at me Ė flatted! Iím flat all over!

Seagoon: Youíll be alright as long as you donít stand sideways.

Bluebottle: Well, I have to go sideways because of my new tune. (sings) Sideways, through the sewers of the Strand, on a Sunday afternoon; Sideways, through the sewers of the Strand, will be our honeymoon; Ankle deep in sludge, dear, weíll walk hand in hand. They do say that the sewers of the Strand ..

Eccles: .. are the finest in the land ..

Eccles and Blubottle (together): .. Iím aítelling ya.

Bluebottle: Sideways, through the sewers of the Strand, Will be a paradise for two; Who cares if the atmosphere is blue? There is nothing wrong with a good old British pong; Sideways, through the sewers of the Strand, with you, I donít mean maybe.. (fanfare and applause)

Greenslade: The scene Ė heart of Port Said.

F.X.: (Bloodnok introduction music, the tugboat sound, quickening to sound of flatulence)

Bloodnok: Oho, oho, Oh dear, oh dear.

Seagoon: Ahoy! In the key of E flat.

Bloodnok: Great spluts of fowl! A man with half a moustache!

Seagoon: Whoís the captain of this lugger?

Bloodnok: Me.

Seagoon: Right, take me to him.

Bloodnok: This is his cabin. (knocks) Oh, no answer, Iíll see if heís in. (enters) Oh, and heís out. (knocking on door) Iíll .. what do you want?

Seagoon: Mister Bloodnok?

Bloodnok: Me, thatís me.

Seagoon: Me, thatís the name of the captain.

Bloodnok: Youíre lucky you found me. Iíve only just got in.

Seagoon: Are you a good sailor?

Bloodnok: No, Iím a naughty soldier. Oh ho.

Seagoon: I was told you were a competent navigator.

Bloodnok: You filthy swine, you!

Seagoon: Look! I must get to the equator tonight.

Bloodnok: Tell my ATS driver she can put the car away. Iíll be needing her.

F.X.: (phone rings)

Seagoon: Hello.

(voice): Is that Cryptic Ned?

Seagoon: Yes, hereís my card.

(voice): Thank you. Hereís my wardrobe.

Seagoon: What huge drawers!

(voice): Yes, I have friends staying with me. My nameís "Slim". I have to inform

you that your raffling of the equator in E flat is illegal.

Seagoon: Iíll change the key to G sharp.

(voice): G sharp, then. But, remember, any other key is illegal.

Moriarty: Ooow, ooow. Did you hear that, Grytpype? Heís got permission to raffle the equator.

Grytpype-Thynne: Donít worry, hairy French steamer! I have two gentlemen making an imitation equator that will fool any linesman. So, over to them.

F.X.: (sound of sawing)

Mr. Loldragar(?): (Indian accent) Steady, steady, steady now, Mr Bannerjee, steady .......

Mr Bannerjee: (Indian accent) Just a moment (?) Please, now please, holding the opposite end. Then only then can we complete the task of completion.

Mr Loldragar: Indeed, indeed, man. Indeed. Your reasoning is of sound capacity to my mind, do you understand?

Mr Bannerjee: Oh, Iím aware of that, Mr Loldragar (?), but I am puzzled in the extreme about this task that we are performing.

Mr Loldragar: Not only you, man, not only you. But I too am puzzled. Iíve never before in my entire life made an imitation equator before, you understand.

Seagoon: Hand over the equator! Right, got it. Greenslade, make an announcement that will get me away.

Greenslade: In a trice, Cryptic Ned trekked overland with his destination Bond Street.

(Indian voice): Good heavens!

F.X.: (native voices and drums)

Seagoon: Keep up, men! Bloodnok, how far are we from Bond Street?

Bloodnok: A hundred thousand miles.

Seagoon: Aaagh, weíll never make it by tonight. Weíll camp by this telephone. (?)

Bloodnok: Oh, really. Whereís Hugh?

Seagoon: Hugh? Hugh who?

Bloodnok: Yoo hoo.

Seagoon: Yoo hoo, darling!

Bloodnok: Shall we dance?

Seagoon: Love to dance.

F.X.: (dance music, then splash, then phone rings)

Seagoon: Hello.

Little Jim: Heís fallen in the wa-ter!

Ellington and quartet ("Bona Sera")

Greenslade: Part 4. With the Gulf Stream behind them, Neddie and company, with the imitation equator on board, made for England on a self-drive raft.

Eccles: Oh. Life on the ocean wave. Life on the land as well.

Seagoon: Mid-ocean. I was still a thousand miles from London. Curse this 30 miles per hour speed limit!

Eccles: Pardon me, but your ship is slowing.

F.X.: (gun shot)

Seagoon: Eccles, that is a nasty bullet hole in your head.

Eccles: Funny, it wasnít there a minute ago.

F.X.: (phone rings)

Bloodnok: Ah, yes, yes.

(voice on phone): Buy Grubbo Dog Food.

Bloodnok: Right.

Min: Ah, morning. Morning, sir, morning.

Bloodnok: Madam.

Min: (mumbles)

Bloodnok: I know youíre the only shop on this raft. Do you sell Grubbo dog food?

Min: Ooooh, ooooh!

Bloodnok: Whatís the matter, madam? You look quite well.

Min: Oh, quick, itís Dennis Bloodnok.

Bloodnok: Bloodnok.

Min: Yes.

Bloodnok: What has he done to you, that military swine? Iíll .. ooooh, thatís me. Wait. Can it be? Whereís me old marriage papers?

Min: Whatís he doing? Whatís he doing?

Bloodnok: Heavens, itís Minnie Bannister, the toast of Bombay.

Min: Aagh, Dennis; aagh, naughty Dennis from Poona.

Bloodnok: Naughty Minnie.

Min: After all these years. Have you changed much?

Bloodnok: Only me vest.

Orch: (woodwind sounds)

Min: Ha.

Min and Bloodnok (together): Ooooh.

Bloodnok: Ooooh, who are you, sir?

Crun: Iím Henry Crun, disguised as (woodwind sounds) in C sharp.

Min: Oh, Henry.

Crun: Now, Min. Who is this man holding you in a military Sam Brown-type embrace? Iíll ..

Seagoon: Stop, Crun. Put down that sock full of grit with which Casey was hit.

Min: Oooh. Bloodnok, Bloodnok, is a (undecypherable) upon you?

Crun: You never had one.

Bloodnok: I insist on diplomatic immunity.

Seagoon: Right, roll up your sleeves and your hat.

Bloodnok: (mumbles)

Omnes: (descends into chaos)

Greenslade: Ladies and gentlemen, during this sordid scene, will you please put a blanket over your radios, and lower the volume. Meantime, part 4, still aboard the raft.

Eccles: Life on the ocean waves, life on the ocean waves. .....(undecypherable) high seas.

Seagoon: Fishing?

Eccles: What?

Seagoon: Fishing?

Eccles: Yah, yah, Iím fishing.

Seagoon: I see. Thatís a big bucket of worms just for one dayís fishing.

Eccles: I get hungry, too, you know. (laughter)

Seagoon: Bleeaugh!

Eccles: Hey, look at them pigeons!

Seagoon: Pigeons? You idiot, theyíre gulls!

Eccles: Boys or girls, theyíre nice pigeons (laughter / applause)

Bluebottle: Land ahoy, Captain!

Seagoon: Land? Let me taste it. (sound of licking lips) Itís English!

Bluebottle: England.

Bluebottle & Eccles: Land of hope and East Finchley,

Mother of the (dong). Ahoy!

Bluebottle: Whatís the matter with you, man? Hitting my nut! Itís not paid for yet!

Seagoon: We havenít a moment to lose. According to my calculations, two and two are four. (cheers) Thank you, thank you, thank you. Now, ĎBottle, hold up this photograph and weíll auction the equator.

Omnes: Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, ....

Seagoon: Custard, custard.

F.X.: (sound of gavel)

Auctioneer: Now lot number 1, the equator. What am I bid for this lot?

Greenslade: Money.

Auctioneer: Any advance on money?

Deep voice: More money.

Auctioneer: Going for more money.

Another voice: Hmm, yoon bom bala boo.

Auctioneer: Any advance on yoon bom bala boo?

Seagoon: Yoon bom bala boo and sixpence.

Moriarty: (bursts in door) Hands up, all of you! Officer, thatís the man, there.

Policeman: Pardon me, sir. Are you the owner of the equator LXW3457?

Seagoon: I am.

Policeman: Is your equator marked lot one?

Seagoon: Yes, thatís my lot.

Policeman: It certainly is! (laughter)

Seagoon: Wal!

Greenslade: Ahem.

Seagoon: Do us a favour.

Greenslade: Yup.

Seagoon: Donít tell the audience that was the end to a very good start.

Greenslade: Alright.

Seagoon: Címon, lads!

F.X.: (sounds of running away Ė round the back for a bit of the brandy??!)

Greenslade: Having given .. (interrupted by applause) Having given the cowards a fifty yard start, I now inform the audience that that was the end.

Grams: (sounds of revolt)

Greenslade: (amid continuing protesting) Steady, steady, ...

Orchestra: (marching music)

Greenslade: (in between sounds of him being attacked by the crowd) That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The program produced by Charles Chiltern.

Orchestra: (music playout).