GOON SHOW: TLO 43427
8TH SERIES: No 11
BROADCAST: 9 Dec 1957
By: Larry Stephens
Greenslade: We present the all weather Goon Show.
ORCHESTRA: Tatty chord
Sellers: (Dramatic) And tonight we bring you the story of The Stolen Postman.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic introduction
Sellers: The scene; a self contained, unfurnished radio set.
GRAMS: (Recording) Greenslade: And here is the news. The birthday celebrations of the Sultan of Dirtistan have had to be postponed as hes been unable to find a volunteer to act as a guest victim in the annual exploding ceremony. And now, scene two; a self contained unfurnished sewer under the Euston Road.
GRAMS: Splashing. (Continue under)
Grytpype: (Singing) Da di da di, da di da da. Moriarty! Come on in. The waters fine.
Moriarty: Yes, but youre not. Im not getting in there and getting myself wet with water.
Grytpype: Well, theres a first time for everybody Moriarty.
Moriarty: Ahhhhhwwww! Not the dreaded water.
Grytpype: Shut up you fool.
Moriarty: Ahwwwwwww! Ahhwww again. Owww. Owww
Grytpype: You almost owwed in a confined space. You realise, one more oww and the whole place will go up in flames? Now help me on with my clean newspaper please.
FX: Tapping on resonant piece of iron.
Moriarty: Grytpype, theres somebody at the man hole cover.
FX: Heavy iron lid being thrown aside.
Seagoon: Good morning.
Grytpype: Oh, good morning postman.
Seagoon: Good morning. A registered boot for you. Sign on the dotted sock please.
Seagoon: Thank you.
Grytpype: Thank you postman. Oh, and heres a little something for yourself.
Seagoon: Ah! Oh goodie, just what Ive always wanted, my own bullet. (Going off singing.) Its a hap hap happy day, on the spring on the sprabble spray
Grytpype: Now, lets have a look whats in this registered boot. Good heavens Moriarty, a registered foot.
Moriarty: Whats it say Grytpype?
Grytpype: Its from our landlord. Dear Sirs, Owing to complaints from the tenants of the others sewers about your singing and owwwing after eleven oclock, I do hereby give you notice to quit.
Moriarty: Ah howwwee! Or if you like, Hi ih ha ho ho hoou! Grytpype, weve been given the registered boot, kicked out, sewerless, without a street over our heads, with nothing but the water we stand up in. Grytpype? Grytpype! Youre not listening.
Moriarty: Youre not listening Grytpype. (Rubbish)
Grytpype: Im sorry. I was just reading this advertisement on the back page of my suit. Listen here, Wanted, man for exploding. One thousand pounds offered for a genuine charlie in good condition. Apply, The Sultan of Dirtistan.
Moriarty: Four thousand pounds! (sic) Grytpype, with that we could build our own sewer.
Grytpype: Exactly. Moriarty I have an idea. Follow me and
ORCHESTRA: Short tense link
GRAMS: (Recording) Greenslade: And here is the news. Early this morning two masked men broke into the GPO and stole postman Neddy Seagoon. Police believe Seagoon was rendered unconscious by a blow from a weighted banana, a photograph of which was found nearby. And now scene three; a self contained unfurnished idiot.
Seagoon: Oh. Oh. Oh my head. What. What. What-what-what! Wheres my megaphone? Thank you. Thank you. Folks! Calling folks through my megaphone folks. Whats happened folks? Where are we folks?
Grytpype: Alright Neddy. Drop that speaking trumpet.
FX: Drop metal pipe
Moriarty: Ohh oh oh oh oh! My foot!
Seagoon: What! What! What! What! What! What! What! What! What! What! (continues clucking) Who are you sir?
Grytpype: My name sir is Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, and the teeth resting this glass of stale beer belong to none other than Jim Ping
Grytpype: Moriarty, ace knee-slapper and king of pong.
Moriarty: Owwwww owwwww!
Grytpype: Did you hear that Seagoon? Once again Moriarty.
Moriarty: Owwwww owwwww!
Grytpype: Ohhhh! Melody divine.
Seagoon: Never mind those ahhrrrowwwws divine. Whats going on?
Grytpype: My dear postman, pull up a floorboard and Ill tell you a likely story. Because of your excellent record in the parcel smashing department youre being promoted to corporal postman and sent to a better job.
Seagoon: What! You mean Im going to be posted?
Grytpype: Yes, registered of course.
Seagoon: Oh happy day! Huzzah, huzzah, huzzah!
Grytpype: Moriarty, get a floor cloth and mop up those huzzahs, would you. Neddy, Neddy. Stand to attention now and close your eyes.
Grytpype: Moriarty get that pad of cotton wool and soak it in chloroform.
Moriarty: Right. Now what?
Grytpype: Now hit him with this iron bar.
FX: Clank of iron bar. Thud of body falling to floor.
Grytpype: Splendid. Now the brown paper and string.
Moriarty: Oh the browwwwwn paper.
Grytpype: The browwwwwn paper. (extended) And to keep Seagoon unconscious get Max Haircut Geldray to strum his elastic plastic ploogie.
Greenslade: And now The Stolen Postman part two. The scene; a small post office in East Penge.
Crun: Errr, ten, eleven, twelve words. Thatll be one and ninepence please. Thank you.
FX: Cash register. Coin drops into till.
Crun: Good day to you sir.
FX: Door opens. Shop bell rings. Door closes
Throat: A good day to you too. Thank you.
Bannister: Oh, whats that?
Crun: Ah, good morning sir.
Moriarty: Awwwww. Good morning, mon ami. I want to send this parcel by registered post. La post registeur.
Crun: Right sir. Put is here.
GRAMS: Straining of overloaded springs. (With echo effect to give it that hollow sound.)
Crun: Twenty two stone sir. Im afraid that is going to cost you an extra tuppence.
Moriarty: Take it out of my post office account.
Crun: Could I have your book sir? Thank you.
Crun: Just forward your name along this finger here would you?
Moriarty: Right-oh. There. Good day and Owwww.
Crun: And a good Owwww to you sir.
FX: Door opens. Shop bell. Door closes.
Crun: Ah. Dear, dear. Hes left his steam behind. Oh well. Min. Stamp this parcel registered while I go and change the elephants hat Min.
Bannister: O.K. Right-oh buddy. Now wheres that modern, rhythm, rubber type stamp?
FX: Quick stamping.
Seagoon: (Muffled) Ahhhhhhh!
Seagoon: What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what?
Bannister: Ohhhhhh! Henry! Help Henry. Henry! Ohhhhhh!
Crun: What is it?
Bannister: The parcel, Henry. The parcel spoke to me.
Bannister: The parcel spoke to me Henry.
Crun: Youve been at the spirit gum again.
Seagoon: (Muffled) Im through and through.
Bannister: It spoke again! It spoke again in parcel language.
What! What did it say?
Bannister: It said it said Henry
Crun: It said Henry? Then it wasnt speaking to you, it was speaking to me.
Seagoon: (Muffled) Let me out!
Crun: Ohhhhhh! The parcels moving.
FX: Crinkling paper.
Bannister: Hit it Henry with that mighty club of yours.
Crun: Got it! Now let us see what it is.
Bannister: Open it up Henry.
FX: Crackling of paper.
Bannister: Save the paper for lunch. Oh, look whats inside. Its a postmans uniform.
Crun: Yes. Lets see whats inside it.
FX: Paper crackling.
Crun: Oh! Its a man in long underwear. Explain yourself sir.
Seagoon: What, what, what, what, what! Look here, Im postman Seagoon.
What! Youre the man who was stolen from the GPO?
Seagoon: Stolen? Then I must hand myself in. How do I get to the nearest police station?
Crun: By walking.
Seagoon: Isnt there a quicker way.
Seagoon: Thank you. Goodbye.
GRAMS: Boots running off at speed.
ORCHESTRA: Short dramatic link (Spriggs sings along.)
FX: Telephone rings. Receiver picked up.
Wardrobe: Hello? Inspector Wardrobe here. Oh yes. Bring him in.
FX: Door opens.
Spriggs: This is him Jim. This is him Ji-immmm!
Seagoon: Inspector, I want to report a robbery.
Wardrobe: Oh? Whats been stolen?
Seagoon: Me. You see Im postman Seagoon.
Wardrobe: You cant be. Seagoons missing.
Seagoon: Well, Im missing.
Wardrobe: Nonsense. Youre here.
Spriggs: Yes Jim. Youre here. Youre here-eeeeee!
Wardrobe: Shut Constable C major chord.
Seagoon: Ying tong iddle I plinge. Look here, I can prove Im Neddy Seagoon. Look, heres a photograph of myself.
Wardrobe: Oh yes. But youre facing the other way.
Seagoon: No, no. Thats the back of the photograph. Turn it over.
Wardrobe: Oh yes. This is a photograph of a woodshed. Where are you?
Seagoon: Im in the woodshed.
Spriggs: I always said there was something nasty in the woodshed.
Wardrobe: Ah. Come out.
FX: Door opening.
Wardrobe: Theres one way to find out who you are. Constable, look inside his underwear.
Spriggs: Yes sir. Let me see now. The label on these underwear says hand-knit. Hand-kniiiiii-it!
Wardrobe: So Mr Knit. Youre trying to pretend youre Seagoon.
Seagoon: But I am Seagoon.
Wardrobe: Then youre wearing stolen underwear!
FX: Telephone rings. Receiver lifts.
Spriggs: Constable Spriggs here. Are you there? Are you there, because I am here-eeeeee!
GRAMS: (Recording) Grytpype: I wish to report the whereabouts of the missing postman Seagoon. He is at present on board the steamship Venus at Toolbury Dicks.
Spriggs: You mean Tilbury Docks.
Seagoon: What, what, what? Hes an imposter. Ill expose him, I tell you. Ill expose him!
GRAMS: Boots running off.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link.
Greenslade: Seagoon proceeded to the docks hot-foot, a common complaint in the Seagoon family. And now, if listeners will lag their hornpipes they will be able to hear him ascending the gangplank of the steamship Venus.
GRAMS: Dockside sounds. Distant ships sirens.
Grytpype: Have we met?
Seagoon: Of course. Im Neddy Seagoon.
Grytpype: Simple. Seagoons inside that crate.
Seagoon: What! This crate marked Human Sacrifice for Exploding Ceremony?
Grytpype: Yes. If you dont believe me step inside and see for yourself.
Seagoon: I will. (With echo effect) There you are, you see. Theres no Neddy Seagoon in here.
FX: Rapid hammering on wood.
Grytpype: There is now!
Moriarty: Ha ha ha ha owwwww!
Grytpype: Well done Moriarty.
Moriarty: Ive done nothing.
Grytpype: Now have you stoked up the boilers?
Moriarty: Oui, oui, mon ami.
Is the steam pressure up?
Moriarty: Oui, oui, mon ami.
Grytpype: Splendid. Then grab those oars and row madly.
Moriarty: Owwww oww, buddy. Owww.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic nautical link.
(Milligan: Bollard on the starboard bow.
Seagoon: Hello folks. Hello folks. This is tragic Neddy Seagoon speaking to you folks, from the tragic hold of the steamship tragic Venus folks, trapped inside a crate on my way to be exploded. Ho ho ho ho ho folks! I must find a way out of this crate. I will ask somebody. Excuse me
Eccles: Hello. (Dont stop folks. Its good for my ego.)
Seagoon: Mad Dan Eccles! What are you doing here?
Eccles: Its on the tip of my tongue.
Seagoon: Well put your tongue out and let me see.
Eccles: Thats it. Yeah. Im emigrating. My tongues emigrating on account of my job.
Seagoon: Why? What are you?
Eccles: Im an idiot. (Anybody want to join?)
Well. A professional idiot. Then why are you leaving England?
Eccles: Too much competition. What are you doing Neddy?
Seagoon: Im going out to be exploded.
Eccles: Oh. That sounds a nice job. You been doing it long?
Eccles: Well, theres always a first time for everybody.
Seagoon: Listen. Ive got to get out of this crate.
Eccles: Ooooowwwwrroowwwooarrrghooo. Well, how did you get in?
Seagoon: I was nailed in.
Eccles: Well, nail yourself out again.
Seagoon: I know! Ill dig myself out. Have you got a shovel?
Eccles: Ah, lets see now. I, um I think Ive got one somewhere
Seagoon: Well find it man. Empty your pockets.
Eccles: Ok, Ok.
FX: Nuts, bolts and sundry objects dropped onto hard surface. Finally metal pipe.
Eccles: No. Must be in my other suit.
Seagoon: Never mind. Here, inflate this pneumatic drill.
GRAMS: Pneumatic drill. Continue under.
Greenslade: Quickly Seagoon dug a hole in the floor of the crate and tunneled down through the bottom of the ship.
Seagoon: Huzzah! Were through. Give me a hand down.
Seagoon: Ah, gad, its damp down this tunnel. Now Eccles
Seagoon: To cover my escape hold up this leather map of Ray Ellington. Goodbye!
Eccles: Wait for me!
FX: Frantic hammering on wood.
Greenslade: And now The Stolen Postman part three. The burning deserts of Dirtistan and the residence of the British military attache.
ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme.
Bloodnok: Ohhhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhhh! Oh! Never again. Never again. Cennapod and gunpowder soup. I must have been mad you know. Now, where was I now? Oh yes. Dear Lord Plunger. I enclose a snapshot that I accidentally took while passing the window of your seventh floor flat. I never realised you and Mrs FitzHerbert were such close friends. As you are an art collector perhaps you would like to buy the negative of this naughty photo.
P.S. If you go to the police about this letter, I didnt write it and I dont live here.
FX: Knocking on door.
Bloodnok: Ohhhhhhhhhhh! Who is it?
Seagoon: Its me! Can I see you?
FX: Door opens
Bloodnok: Oh! A man in postmans underwear.
Seagoon: Major. I wish to obtain a passage to England sir.
Bloodnok: Well you wont find one here. This passage only goes to the front door I say.
Seagoon: Curses! Foiled by a short passage and long egg-cloth. What about an aeroplane?
Bloodnok: No thanks. Im trying to give them up you know.
Seagoon: You dont understand Major. Two men have stolen me and theyre going to have me blown up.
Bloodnok: If they blow you up any more youll burst.
Seagoon: But I must escape. (Weeping) You must you must help me escape.
Bloodnok: Steady lad. Steady. Sit down and light yourself a tree.
Seagoon: No thanks. Im trying to cut them down. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Im in condition tonight. Ha ha ha.
Bloodnok: Ive got a right one here you know. Now Neddy, youll never escape from Dirtistan dressed in english underwear. Well disguise you as a man disguised as a woman. Now put on these womans clothes while I go outside and keep watch through the keyhole. Now you go in
FX: Door closes.
Seagoon: Hello folks! Hardly had I disguised myself when I noticed a large crate labelled dancing girls, this way up, use no hooks. Ho ho ho ho ho! Ha ha ha ho ho hello folks! A dancing girl! Excuse me while I step in the crate and introduce myself. (Pause) Funny. I cant see any...
FX: Rapid hammering.
Bloodnok: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Theres another one. Singhez! Take this round to the Sultan. Usual price and dont forget, cash on the nail.
Singhez: Alright sir.
Bloodnok: You tell the Sultan - no pay, no play.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic Arab link.
Greenslade: Scene twenty-eight; the sultans palace, and if listeners will look eastward through a melted sock they will hear the sultan calling for his ferocious captain of the guard.
Ellington: Ai Bou Raloyi wahl Basha.
Flowerdew: You dont have to shout. Im not deaf.
Ellington: Open this crate.
Flowerdew: Not another dancing girl. You havent touched the old ones yet.
Ellington: Never mind. Me saving them up for birthday party. You lock this girl in harem for the night.
Flowerdew: Oh, alright.
ORCHESTRA: Short dramatic link.
Seagoon: Oh folks! What a tragedy, locked in a darkened hareem full of dancing girls. Oh, what a trage
Eccles: (Singing) Oh da da da A thing of beauty is a joy forever. Hou hou hou houw houw houw.
Seagoon: Is that you?
Eccles: Just a minute, Ill strike a match.
FX: Match strike
Eccles: Yep, its me.
Seagoon: How did you become a dancing girl?
Eccles: I took lessons.
Seagoon: He-he-hello folks. This is terrible. I must find the exit. Ill grope about in the darkness. Huh! Whats this? It must be one of the dancing girls. Just a minute, Ill make sure.
Bluebottle: Oh ho! Stop pulling my lanyard. Dont do that. Harm can come to a young boy scout like that.
Eccles: Oh. Hello bottle.
Bluebottle: Hello Eccles.
Eccles: Hello bottle.
Bluebottle: Hello Eccles.
Eccles: What are you dis is a silly question but what are you doing in a hareem?
Bluebottle: I came to see if anyone wanted a bob-a-job doing.
Eccles: Ooooh ooooh! Your good turn for the day?
Bluebottle: Yes. I thought I could help an old sultan across the hareem.
Seagoon: Quiet you spotted lads. Somethings coming.
FX: Rattle of doorknob. Door opens.
Grytpype: There he is Moriarty.
Moriarty: Owwwww owwwwwrrrr.
Grytpype: Alright, now lets take him to the sultan.
Seagoon: You villains! You cant explode me. Ill
Grytpype: Back Neddy. Hands up.
Seagoon: But but you havent got a gun.
Grytpype: No, but Im thinking of one.
Seagoon: Well, Im thinking of ringing the police. Eccles, think of a telephone.
FX: Phone rings. Receiver picks up.
Seagoon: Hello, police? I want to report a
Grytpype: Steady Neddy! Put down that telephone that Eccles is thinking of.
Seagoon: I refuse.
Grytpype: Then Im thinking of shooting you.
GRAMS: Pistol shot.
Seagoon: Well Im thinking of the bullet missing me and hitting Bluebottle.
Bluebottle: Ohi ohhhhi! You rotten swine you.
Moriarty: Aw aw owwwwwwww!
Grytpype: Moriarty, what are you thinking of?
Moriarty: Ho ho ho ho howwwwwww! Its the way you say it folks!
Grytpype: You filthy swine. Go and get Seagoon.
Seagoon: I warn you Moriarty, Im thinking of a canal right in front of you.
Little Jim: Hes fallen in de water.
Grytpype: It was tricky but we finally got it in.
Seagoon: Now you devil, Im thinking of a pistol.
GRAMS: (Recording: Gradually speeding up.
Seagoon: Now you devil, Im thinking of a pistol.
GRAMS: Pistol shot.
Grytpype: And Im thinking of a grenade.
GRAMS: Grenade explosion.
Seagoon: Im thinking of a machine gun.
GRAMS: Burst of rapid fire.
Grytpype: And Im thinking of a cannon.
GRAMS: Weeeeeee bang.
Seagoon: Im thinking of a bomb.
Grytpype: And Im thinking of an atom bomb.
GRAMS: Large explosion.
Seagoon: Im thinking of a horse.
GRAMS: Whinney, hooves into distance, large splash, followed by large explosion.)
Greenslade: The moral of this is of course, beware of thinking because thinking is all in the mind you know.