Wal: (This is the BBC Light Programme

Neddie: Aha ha

Wal: We present the new, all-leather Goon Show. (1))

(TS Original opening:

Wal: It's all in the mind, you know.

Neddie: (off) You got that right. )

GRAMS: Beethoven's 5th Symphony opening, splash

Wal: Yes. Tonight our story begins ...

Spike: The man's a fool ... complete idiot ... a ridiculous idiot ... a load of cock and bull ... absolute nonsense. You stupid nit. I ... can't think how he gets on today. I don't know ...

Wal: Tonight, our story begins on board Britain's latest battleship, the 1902 HMS Boxer, where a broadcast of that favourite programme 'Variety Awash' is now in progress.

Peter: And here to open this show, is that wacky king of coons, your kimpere and compere, Hally Seaton.

GRAMS: Organ music - wild, rapturous applause

Neddie: (over) Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Ha ha.

Spike: (off) I'm goin'.

Neddie: Hello shipmates. Well well well well well well. Ha, ha, ha ha, ho. It's nice to be on board ship with all the lads in blue again.

GRAMS: Laughter

Neddie: Thank you. But seriously though, I was in the Navy myself, you know. As a matter of fact, I was standing at the sharp end one day, leaning over the railings, when the Captain came up and said 'You can't be sick here'. And I said 'Can't I. Just watch!'

GRAMS: Whistles, laughter

Neddie: (over) Please. Ha ha ha. No, no, no. But seriously though, as a matter of fact let's get on with our first act. So here to sing for you is Miss Millie Toolie. And here she is, Miss Millie Toolie. To sing for you, Miss Millie Toolie.

GRAMS: Applause, operatic piece sung by female

Peter: (close to mic.) Hello, listeners. Brinell Jolson here. It's a really wonderful night to see the simple country girl ... bringing the sailors memories of home. Tears ... tears streaming down her innocent little face, and trickling onto her black fishnet stockings.

GRAMS: Final note of song, rapturous applause

Neddie: (over) Thank you. Thank you, music lovers. Millie Toolie of course was singing that lovely old ballad 'In a Reformatory Garden'. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. (ahem) No, but seriously though, aren't women wonderful? Now take my wife ... please.

GRAMS: Laughter, whistles

Neddie: No, Aha ha. Aha ha ha. Now there's a woman. I think.

GRAMS: Whistles, laughter

Neddie: (over) Ah. Ha. But, talk about fat. When she Walks down the street wearing slacks it looks like two kids fighting under a blanket.

GRAMS: Laughter, cheering

Neddie: (over) Thank you. Aha ha. Ah, you're spoiling me tonight, you're spoiling me. Yes. Please. Please. Please. Aha. No, no, I ... I can't stand all this larkin', here, now then, she's a very funny woman, my wife. Would you believe it, the last week I was (fades) talkin' to her in the kitchen ...

Grytpype: Men, Sabrina has fallen overboard.

GRAMS: Many feet running away, many splashes

Grytpype: Well, that's got rid of them, Moriarty. Right, full steam ahead for the open sea.

Moriarty: I think you're right.

GRAMS: Ship's bells

Neddie: No, no, no, no, Seriously, lads. I always take my wife with me everywhere. I'd rather take her than kiss her goodbye. Ah ha ha. Ha ha. Ha. (pause) Ah, you'll have to see them faster than that. Ha. I said I'd rather take her than kiss her goodbye. Ha ha. What's the matter with the audience tonight? I paralysed them at Bolton with that one. What? Where's me glasses? (gulp) They've all gone. 'Ere, where's me audience?

Grytpype: Control your powers, Neddie.

Neddie: Well ...

Grytpype: You see, they heard that Sabrina had fallen overboard.

Neddie: What, what, what what what? Sabrina fallen overboard? Poor little innocent photographer's model. I must get a lifebelt. I must get a lifebelt. Now ... I'll just join these two together and ...

Grytpype: No, no, no, no, no, Neddie. No, no. With the crew gone, we need you on board as ballast.

Neddie: What, what what what what what what what what? Where's my speaking trumpet? I have it in my hand. Hello. (through megaphone) Hello folks. Calling folks. The speaker was a tall man wearing the full dress uniform of a naval confidence trickster.

Grytpype: Ahoy. And now, ship-matey. The legs you see protruding from that swill-bucket belong to none other than Count Jim 'Bilge' ...

Moriarty: Oww.

Grytpype: ... Moriarty. Voted ... voted Miss Galley Slops of 1951. And part owner of the suit he is now wearing.

Moriarty: (smacking of lips) Oww.

Grytpype: And again, Moriarty.

Moriarty: Oww.

Grytpype: There. Two for the price of one.

Neddie: Wait! Why are we heading out to sea?

Grytpype: Neddie, light yourself a hammock, and let me explain. We are offering you the life of a modern-type buccaneer. Come lad, join us. You can live a life of luxury.

Neddie: Right. I'll join you.

Grytpype: Splendid. Now to swear you in. Drink this bucket of slops and say after me, 'I am a charlie'.

Neddie: (gulp, gulp - smacking of lips) (simply) I'm a charlie.

Grytpype: Yay!!

Moriarty: Oww!

Wal: Meanwhile, HMS Boxer headed southward to sunlit seas, where naught but the plaintive cry of the seagull, and the soft lapping of the opalescent cobalt waters disturbed the hot, endless silence 'neath the still burning orb of the tropic sun.

Grytpype: Have you quite done?

Wal: Aye aye, sir.

Grytpype: Then left turn, quick march.

GRAMS: Brisk footsteps on concrete, splash

Little Jim: He's fallen in the water.

Grytpype: And the best place for him, Little Jim.

Moriarty: Starboard five ahoy!

GRAMS: Engine-room telegraph bells

Moriarty: Oww. Midships.

GRAMS: Engine-room telegraph bells

Moriarty: Maternity ward ahoy! Starboard kipper on the carb ... (gibberish) Owww.

Grytpype: Shut up, you nautical French steamer.

Moriarty: Owww.

Grytpype: Ahoy, little marker buoy!

Neddie: There are strange noises ...

Moriarty: Fire!

Neddie: ... coming from the stoke hole.

Grytpype: What? Must we drill for bokkies! (sic) Lift the man-hole and let me listen.

GRAMS: Man-hole cover clatter, shovelling sounds

Eccles: (over, off, sings) Somebody loves me, 'avin' a game ... aha ha ha ho. Melody divine. I love the moon, and the moon loves me. All together, havin' a good time.

Flowerdew: Oh!

GRAMS: Shovelling stops

Eccles: Oho!

Flowerdew: (Eccles, mind what you're doin' with that long-handled shovel!

Neddie: Hup!

Eccles: Hey!

Neddie: Oho!

Flowerdew: You never know where it's been! (1))

(In TS Original: Flowerdew: Eccles, mind my ... (illegible))

Neddie: Come in at once! Hup!

Eccles: Oh.

Grytpype: So! So, I mean, so! So. Stokers, eh?

Eccles: Stokers, ho. Ho, stokers!

Grytpype: Didn't you hear me shout that Sabrina was overboard?

Eccles: Who cares about him!

Moriarty: Grytpype, what are you going to do with them?

Grytpype: Simple, you fool. We'll just maroon them somewhere, including Neddie.

Neddie: You can't do that! You need me! I ... I'll keep you entertained, with jokes and merry songs, I ... look, I'll show you. Well, hello there. No, but seriously though, my ... thank you. My speaking trumpet. (through megaphone) Well, hello there. No, but seriously, my wife's got a face like a million dollars. All green and crinkly. Aha ha ha ha. All green and crinkly. Ha. (ahem) (sings) Oh, the moon belongs to everyone, The best things in life are free. Hooray. Ha ha ha ha.

Grytpype: Moriarty, lower the desert island.

Moriarty: All right. Over the bollard.

GRAMS: Cranking of crane lowering boat, splash

Grytpype: Right, you three, over you go. (strains)

Eccles: Owww.

Neddie: Owww, you can't do this to me. (fades)

FX: Thud

Grytpype: (off, calls) Goodbye!

GRAMS: Ship's whistle

Eccles: (muffled) Oh. Ohh. Ohh. Neddie, you need your boots re-sole-d.

Neddie: How do you know?

Eccles: (muffled) You're standing on my face. Do you wish to know about dat?

Neddie: I don't wish to know about that. I wonder where we are. I'll just play this map on the gramophone.

GRAMS: Orchestral melody, seagulls

Neddie: (over) Good heavens! We're on a desert island.

Ray: White man! Take off that record.

Neddie: What? And expose my turntable?

Ray: Yim bom darner goolose and ombloolongoonloober!

Neddie: Let me handle this. (ahem) You listen me! Me brave English Welshman. You ... you no frighten me. Me give you clean British punch-up-the-conk. (aside) That told 'im.

Eccles: 'Ere, dat's a nice spear stickin' out the back o' your head.

Neddie: What, what what what what what what what what what what what ... (clucking like chicken)

Ray: Aha!

Neddie: Oww.

Ray: You there!

Flowerdew: Ohhh!

Ray: You nice'um young fella. You come along me.

Flowerdew: Who, me?

Ray: And you, little round pudding ...

Neddie: What, what what? You can't do this to me, do you hear? I'm free, white and twenty-one ... stone. Where're you taking us?

Ray: Me going to put you all inside.

Neddie: Inside where?

Ray: Me.

Neddie: (gulp) (shouts) Cannibal! Run for your life!

GRAMS: Many feet running away

Wal: the intrepid trio ran on and on through the steaming jungle, 'til finally they heard a strange noise emanating from a clearing.

ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme played by solo saxophone

Bloodnok: Ohhhh!

ORCHESTRA: Single low note played by solo saxophone

Bloodnok: Oh! Jigger me cruddlers.

Neddie: The speaker was a military ma ... gentleman, clad in a grass skirt.

Bloodnok: That's the last time I stand near the lawnmower! Oh, that gardener. Oh, what a snake-in-the-grass he is.

Neddie: Pardon me, sir. Could you tell us the name of this island?

Bloodnok: Yes, I can. It's the Isle of Alassie. So called after our National Anthem ... (sings) 'I love a lassie, a bonnie tiny lassie ...

Neddie: Splendid. I knew her mother.

Bloodnok: Nonsense. We were just good friends, I tell you.

Neddie: Wait a minute. Haven't I seen your photograph in the papers?

Bloodnok: It's a lie! It's a lie, I tell you! I never went near the regimental safe. Anyway, I was going to put the money back, I ... could I help it if the horse lost? It was two other fellows named Smith, I tell you.

Neddie: Bloodnok! Bloodnok, that's it - you're Major Bloodnok!

Bloodnok: Well, er ... I er ... I was.

Neddie: What do you mean, you were?

Bloodnok: Well, I had to change my name, you know, it ... it got dirty.

Neddie: Really? What did you change it to?

Bloodnok: The Famous Eccles.

Eccles: Oh. That's my name. Oowoww, here! If you're the famous Ecc ... (ahem) If you're the famous Eccles, then who am I? I said, then who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

Neddie: Just a minute, now ... let me see that.

Eccles: Who am I?

Neddie: Wait a minute. He's Eccles, that's Flowerdew, I'm Seagoon. You must be Major Bloodnok.

Eccles: Ooh, if I'm Major Bloodnok I'd better start practising. (ahem) Ahhohhoho! That's better. Ohhhoho. Ohh. I can't sit here all day.

FX: Knocking at door

Eccles: Ohhh.

FX: Door opens

Eccles: Yeah?

Willium: Oh, good morning. Er ... five pound money order for Major Bloodnok.

Eccles: Oh, that's for me. Thank you, my good man.

Bloodnok: Here, give me that money order.

Eccles: It's mine. I'm Major Bloodnok.

Bloodnok: Nonsense. You give it to me, you thieving coward.

Eccles: I'm not a thieving coward.

Bloodnok: Then that proves it. You're not Major Bloodnok!

Neddie: Major! Sah! I could hear something in the jungle there.

Bloodnok: It's those cannibals again. They always attack when it gets dark.

Neddie: I'd better strike a match.

Bloodnok: Don't do that, you fool. They'll see it. Here, use my lighter.

GRAMS: Tiger growl

Bloodnok: Do you hear that? That's a cannibal doing an impression of a tiger.

Ray: (off) Wananooka loosem congo.

Bloodnok: There's worse to come, lad. No, they all get together and do an impression of the Ray Ellington Quintool.

Neddie: Men, load, aim and fix earplugs. Ha ha ha ha.

MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON sings 'Up Above My Head (There's Music In The Air)'


Wal: And while Mr. Ellington quickly changes back into his full-draped loin-cloth for the part of the cannibal chief, let us re-set the scene. The Stolen Battleship, part two.

Neddie: Two.

Wal: Maddened by the rhythm-type melodies, the cannibals surge into a frenzied attack.

GRAMS: Natives shouting

Neddie: (over) Right, men. Fire!!

GRAMS: Pistol shots, machine-gun fire, natives shouting

Bloodnok: (over natives) Keep firing!

GRAMS: Machine-gun fire

Neddie: (over) Gad, these magazines are red hot.

Bloodnok: I know, I've been reading some of them.

Neddie: Wait! Hold your fire! Someone's coming.

Spike: Ah ... man's a fool, absolute idiot. Never afford a sputnik with him in office, never ... (fades)

Neddie: Well, he seems to have scared away the cannibals.

Bloodnok: Splendid. Now, where was I? Oh, yes, yes. Give me that money order. Give me that money order, I say.

Eccles: No, dat's mine.

Bloodnok: Wait a minute, it's mine, I tell you.

Eccles: Wait a ...

Neddie: Major, Major, please, enough of this carefully rehearsed ad-libbing, please. Who cares about money?

Eccles: Me.

Bloodnok: Who cares about ... money? You must be mad!

Neddie: I want to get back to England.

Bloodnok: Then you are mad.

Neddie: Bloodnok, if you'd just switch on the radio, everything would be explooned and explinned.

GRAMS: Short wave radio whistles etc.

Eccles: (over) Pardon.

GRAMS: Short wave whistles, Wal (on radio) saying 'And here is the news. This morning five thousand dog-lovers demonstrated outside Aldershot Barracks, as a result of reports that soldiers had been smoking dog-ends.'

Neddie: Never mind about dogs or ... dog-ends. What about the reward?

GRAMS: Wal (on radio) 'I'm coming to that, you ...'

Neddie: Well, get on with it.

GRAMS: Wal (on radio) ' ... steaming nit'

Neddie: Well.

GRAMS: Wal (on radio) '(ahem)'

Neddie: (ahem)

GRAMS: Wal (on radio) 'The government is offering a thousand pounds reward for information leading to the recovery of the stolen battleship, HMS Boxer.'

Neddie: Now do you see, Major? That reward is ours if only we can get back to England.

Bloodnok: But how? There aren't any boats here.

Neddie: Let's all concentrate.

Bloodnok: Yes.

Eccles: Oh, yeah. Yeah, lets all concentrate. Ah ha how. A thought just crossed my mind.

Bloodnok: It didn't take it long.

Neddie: It didn't have far to go.

Eccles: Anybody want to answer dat?

Neddie: Wait! Wait! I've just had an idea. Eccles. You three carry it out while I ... while I explain to the listeners. Where's my speaking trumpet. There it is on the chair, I thank you. Well done, gentlemen. (through megaphone) Hello folks! Calling folks. And a little desperate hurry, there, folks! In order to make a sail, the others are now removing their shirts, trousers, vests, underpants and lapis lazuli. Lapis lazuli, lapis lazuli belly-binders. I do hope the kiddies are in bed. Aha ha ha. Aha ha ha ha. They're now running up the sail, up a tall palm tree, and .. er ... why aren't we moving?

Eccles: Er .. (ahem) Dere ain't any wind.

Neddie: What? We must have some wind.

Bloodnok: I've got a small packet of curry-powder around.

Neddie: No, Major!

Bloodnok: What?

Neddie: Major, I've got it!

Bloodnok: Then you won't need the curry-powder.

Neddie: Now ... take your saxophone ...

Bloodnok: By the right ...

Neddie: Now, stand behind the sail, and ... and blow.

ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme on solo saxophone, continuing into march tempo

Bloodnok: (over) Ohhho! (in time with march) Oh, oh, oh. (etc.)

Wal: And so the Isle of Alassie sailed away, homeward bound. But that same night, a muffled battleship sailed silently up the Thames to the Pool of London, carefully aimed its guns, and, as dawn broke ...

Grytpype: (through megaphone) Hands up, England! Your money or your life.

FX: Coins poured onto table

Grytpype: Right, Moriarty, grab the moolah and the BBC megaphone, and full speed astern.

GRAMS: Engine-room telegraph bells

ORCHESTRA: Five descending chords

Spriggs: Oh. All in all, gentlemen, (Ahem) they got away with England's entire cash assets, of seven pounds eleven and sixpence, folks.

Harry: (old man) Er, good heavens. Were there any witnesses?

Spriggs: Oh yes, sir. Constable Willium Mate. Willium Mate. Willium Mate.

Harry: (old man) Oh.

Willium: Yes. Well, sir, 'bout er ... one o'clock I was receding along with the beat in the direction of where I come from, trying all the shop doors to see if any of 'em 'ad been left unlocked in which case I could nip inside and whip a few odds and ends.

Harry: (old man) Yes, yes constable.

Spriggs: Yes, yes, Spriggs. Yes. Constable, but this battleship, what did it look like, Jim?

Willium: I don' know, sir. (sings, imitating Spriggs) I don' know, sir.

Spriggs: Are you taking the mickey out of me-ee? Eh, Jim?

Willium: It ... it was wearin' a black rhythm mask.

Harry: (old man) Anything else?

Willium: No sir.

Harry: (old man) (imitating Spriggs) Anything else?

Willium: No sir.

Harry: (old man) Aha ha, gentlemen. A nude battleship!

Willium: Yes, an' it ...

Eccles: Ooohh. What?

Willium: An' it was flyin' the Jolly Roger.

Spriggs: What? Who's flag is that? Who's flag is that?

Willium: Captain Kidd's.

Spriggs: Gentlemen, England must declare war on Captain Kidd.

Willium: But he's dead.

Spriggs: Then we've won!

Willium: Ayy!

OMNES: Applause

Wal: That night, as the Isle of Alassie sails steadily northwards, two sturdy lookouts stood on watch.

GRAMS: Creaking timbers, waves, wind

Bluebottle: Eccles?

Eccles: Yeah.

Bluebottle: Have you ever em ... yeehee hee hee. Don't do dat, Eccles. It's not nice.

Eccles: That's what you think! Ho ho ho ho ho.

Bluebottle: Hee hee hee hee hee.

Eccles: Oh ho ho ho ho.

Bluebottle: Hee hee hee.

Eccles: Ha ha hee hee hoh. Ha, ha, ha ha, ho.

Bluebottle & Eccles: (both laugh, together)

Eccles: How did it go again?

Bluebottle: Dat is not ...

Eccles: Dat was a good joke.

Bluebottle: Dat wasn't a joke.

Eccles: Hey? Oh.

Bluebottle: It's called 'yee hee'.

Eccles: What is?

Bluebottle: This grass skirt, Eccles. I say, have you ever worn a grass skirt before?

Eccles: Oh no, but I once had a green top-hat with the Union Jack sticking out da top. Oh, I've lived!

Bluebottle: Oh. But didn't people laugh at you when you was went out?

Eccles: Oh, I never went out. I used to sit in my room with a hammer, practisin' Beethoven's Fifth on my head.

Bluebottle: You must have been mad.

Eccles: I wasn't locked up in dat place for nuthin'. I ... I was a private patient.

Bluebottle: Ah well.

Eccles: Ah welllll.

Bluebottle: Dat's life, I suppose. My good man.

Eccles: Yeah. Here, Bottle ...

Bluebottle: What?

Eccles: What are we supposed to be lookin' for?

Bluebottle: Land, of course. When we see land, we give what is like a warning.

Eccles: Owww.

Bluebottle: No, really, my good man. Do you know dat it is as easy as ABC.

Eccles: ABC is easy?

Bluebottle: Of course it is, my good man.

Eccles: Ooieyiemaghigh.

Bluebottle: You went to school didn't you?

Eccles: Yeah, but the door was locked.

Bluebottle: Why was dat?

Eccles: I think they saw me comin'! Ha ha ha ha ha ho. (Eccles gibberish)

Bluebottle: (whispers) Eccles?

Eccles: What, what?

Bluebottle: Remember the cannibals, we must be quiet.

Eccles: Oh, den I better take my shoes off. (strains) Ah. And now my socks. One. Two. Three.

Bluebottle: What about your feet?

Eccles: I ... I t'ink I'll leave dem on.

Bluebottle: Yeah, it is a bit chilly tonight, i'nit?

Eccles: You oughta ... 'ere, Bottle!

Bluebottle: What?

Eccles: Look in front of us. Lights.

Bluebottle: Ooh, it's land! Quick, shout the warning.

Eccles: OK. (shouts) What d ... (normal) What do I shout?

Bluebottle: Wait a minute. I got it here in my Finchley Sea Scouts' diary. Wait a moment.

FX: Pages turning

Bluebottle: (over) Here. See, now. 'How to give artificial drownin.' No. 'How to rescue Girl Guides from Boy Scouts.' Hey, here it is. 'Land ahoy.'

Eccles: OK. (ahem) Land a ...

GRAMS: Long crash into jetty, crunching etc. Wal (on radio): 'And here is a police message. Early this morning there was a collision between an unknown desert island and the Isle of Man. Any person who will give information please ...(fade)'

Grytpype: Gentlemen, there is still no sign of the battleship, HMS Boxer, despite a search by our entire fleet, consisting of six armoured rowing boats and one paddle-driven destroyer.

FX: Door opens

Neddie: Gentlemen. I wish to claim the reward for information about the stolen battleship. I ...

Grytpype: Stop! All right Constable, there's your man.

Willium: Er right, sir. 'Ere, are you the owner of island number DXB double-6 8?

Neddie: Well, I ... I ... I ...

Willium: Then I must charge you with drivin' a piece o' land wiv'out due care and attention.

Neddie: No, no, I ... I can explain it all, you see ...

Grytpype: And now, gentlemen, your present ships are far too small and slow to get to the HMS Boxer.

Harry: Hear hear, hear hear.

OMNES: Mumbled agreement

Grytpype: However, my friend here ...

Moriarty: Owww.

Grytpype: ... happens to have a battleship outside, of exactly the same size and speed as the stolen one. (aside) Did you remember to paint in the new name, Moriarty?

Moriarty: In brown paint, yes.

Grytpype: (normal) Its name is the 'HMS Wrestler'.

Neddie: It's the HMS Boxer, I tell you.

Spriggs: Then how can it be the HMS Boxer, you fool? I mean, it's the HMS Wrestler.

Neddie: But these men are the men who took it from me, and ...

Spriggs: Silence!

Neddie: (gulp)

Spriggs: Silence, Jim. Gentlemen, it's a deal.

Grytpype: Ten thousand pounds, please.

FX: Cash register rung up, coin in tray

Grytpype: I thank you.

Spriggs: Hon. members, now with the aid of this new battleship, we shall easily be able to find the HMS Boxer. Full steam ahead!

GRAMS: Engine room telegraph bells, ship's whistle

Spriggs: I'm off.

GRAMS: Ship's whistle

OMNES: Cheering, farewell to ship

Wal: And as far as anyone knows, they're still looking. It's all in the mind, you know. Goodnight.

ORCHESTRA: Signature tune

Wal: (over) That was The Goon Show, a BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet, the Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens. Announcer: Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Roy Speer.


(1) In UK original, not in TS original.