THE TREASURE IN THE TOWERSeries 8, number 5

Transcribed from the "Pick of the Goons" Series version.

Greenslade: This is the BBC. We quote from the Manchester Guardian 7 Ė 10 Ė 57.

"Excavations which began in May at the Tower of London have now been completed without the discovery of any buried treasure. This was announced by the Ministry of Works".

First man: Yeah. Thatís where the old taxpayersí money goes.

Second man: Yes, those excavations were carried out to find information about the war.

Seagoon: Yes, folks. Yes, folks, and now thereís a mad lot (?) for the all leather Goon

Show.

Orch: (chords)

Greenslade: The story starts in the year sixteen hundred.

Minstrel: (sings) My master is away on American shores,

In Inca and Peru,

He simply walks the battlements,

And the time is half past two.

F.X.: (bell strikes)

Eccles: Halt! Who goes there?

F.X.: (bell strikes)

Eccles: Advance, donggg, and be recognized!

Seagoon: Lower your finger, sentry, it is I, Sir Walter Raleigh.

Eccles: Sir Walter Raleigh? Got any fags?

Seagoon: Listen now, good spearman Eccles. We are about to embark upon a plot. You see

yon treasure chest I am holding? Get hold of the other end.

Eccles: Okay. Oooh, this is heavy.

Seagoon: Now grab hold of this end.

Eccles: Okay.

F.X.: (sound of running feet getting closer)

Seagoon: Right, now youíve got both ends.

Eccles: Wait on. Iíve only got this end.

Seagoon: Nonsense. (shouts) Whoís got the other end?

Eccles: (far off) Itís me.

Eccles: (close by) Oh, it is me (laughter) Iím holding both ends.

Seagoon: There you are, folks, letís see them do that on television!

Eccles: Ahaha.

Pirate leader: (pirate sounds) , Capín. Iíve got a boat standing by with the oars ticking over.

Haha.

Seagoon: Right, then here is the plin the plot.

Pirate laeder: (more pirate sounds)

Seagoon: This chest contains certain treasure which I intend to smuggle home and bury in

the Tower of London.

Pirate leader: Right, sir. Iíll just get my book of the hairy sea phrases out, sir. All hairy hands

aloft, the hairy.

Other pirates: (jabbering sounds)

F.X.: (sailing music)

Greenslade: That was in sixteen hundred. I say, it was jolly noisy, wasnít it? However, our

story continues in 1957 at a meeting of the Ministry of Works.

Chairman: I tell you all, there has been a great Ö(undecipherable) .. of power ..

(undecipherable) .. England forever, and buckets of Whitehall.

Voice: .. (undecipherable) mine for the drains at Hackney, or for the pound at Battersea.

Omnes: Hear, hear!

F.X.: (clapping)

Grytpype-Thynne: Moriarty, I must read Hansard tomorrow.

Moriarty: Why? Has he written another book?

Seagoon: Quiet, please, at the back.

Moriarty: What, what!

Seagoon: And short at the sides.

Moriarty: Youíll get a punch up the conk!

Seagoon: Gentlemen, could we close the doors, please?

F.X.: (many doors closing)

Seagoon: Right, now we are all outside, we can speak freely. About these excavations we

are carrying out in the Tower..

Voice: You found any treasure, then?

Seagoon: What? You know very well we are only digging down to see if the walls of the

Tower are safe. Iím afraid the result was a failure.

Voice: Uh, uh. A failure? Why?

Seagoon: (sadly) We didnít find any treasure.

Voice: You.. you couldnít have .. you couldnít have been .. you couldnít have been

digging .. you couldnít have been digging in .. you couldnít have been digging in the .. you couldnít have been digging in the .. in the right place.

Milligan (as himself): I just made that up! Hahahaha.

Seagoon: It took a while to get that out.

Voice: Oh, ho.

Seagoon: This is the right place alright, but the treasure wasnít there.

Voice: The treasureís buried in the wrong place?

Seagoon: Precisely.

Voice: Then why donít we dig there?

Seagoon: Come, it would be folly to dig for it in the wrong place.

Voice: What.. what we must do is to find the right wrong place. What weíve been

digging in is the wrong right place.

Seagoon: I second that. Now I suggest we consult a treasure expert.

F.X.: (feet running closer)

Grytpype-Thynne: My card!

Seagoon: The speaker was a tall pale man clad in livery.

Grytpype-Thynne: Yes, and this tall livery man clad in a pail is Count Jim I-must-get-those-

hinges-on-my-socks-oiled MoriartyÖ

Moriarty: Owww.

Grytpype-Thynne: Ö world bankruptcy champion for the year ending 1957. I am Grytpype-

Thynne, treasure expert.

Seagoon: Meet me at ten regarding the recovery of the treasure.

Grytpype-Thynne: The recovery, my boy, is free. It is the digging that comes out a little

expensive.

Seagoon: How much?

Grytpype-Thynne: Well, each shovel full of earth excavated will be posted to you, and you

will remit by return post one guinea.

Seagoon: I accept. When do you start excavating?

Grytpype-Thynne: Moriarty!

Moriarty: (sound of digging and straining sounds)

Seagoon: Please, itís no good digging here. The treasureís at the Tower of London.

Grytpype-Thynne: Ah, but weíre approaching it from underneath, you see. That way we

avoid the traffic at Oxford Circus.

Seagoon: So, thatís how you do it. Hand me that shovel, I want to get home early tonight.

Grytpype-Thynne: Where do you live?

Seagoon: In a hole in the ground.

Grytpype-Thynne: An ideal position for hearing Max Geldray and his old Dutch conk.

Moriarty, a quick "owww".

Moriarty: Owww.

Grytpype-Thynne: Splendid.

(Geldray and orchestra)

Greenslade: The Treasure in the Tower, part 2.

Orch: ("sinister" chords)

Greenslade: Let us go back to that fateful night aboard the ship in the year 1600.

Orch: (sea music)

Seagoon: Right. Gather round, shipmates.

F.X.: (sound of feet running closer)

Seagoon: ĎTwas a dark and stormy night, and the Captain said to one of his men "Tell us a

story", and the following story I told. Now, (muttering off) .. I donít wish to know that!.. Now, you see this map of the Tower?

Eccles: No.

Seagoon: Listen, you nit, this is radio. You donít have to see a real map.

Eccles: Oooh, ooh, then I see it.

Seagoon: Where? Where? Aha, yes, of course. Now, when we arrive there, weíre going to

bury the treasure there.

Eccles: Oooooh.

Seagoon: And then, (unintelligible jabbering)

Greenslade: Meanwhile, back in 1957, dawn is striking midnight over the Tower of London.

The guard commander discharges his duties.

Orch: (Bloodnok introduction music)

Bloodnok: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, not so loud, please. Do you want to wake the sentries up?

Theyíve had a hard day posing for tourists, you know. Now, another fortune of Raven Park. Yes, our speciality de la char, de la char de laundra. Oh, oh, dear oh dear. Now, I usually have a knock on the door about here.

F.X.: (knock on door)

Bloodnok: There it is! Dead on time, the old twelve-twenty-three. I wonder who the driver

is.

F.X.: (door opens)

Man: Itís me, sir.

(voice): Ha ha ha.

Bloodnok: Gad, itís guardsman Tom Urals. I say, wait a moment. Who else is in your

battledress with you?

Spriggs: Itís me, Jim. (sings) Me, Jim.

Bloodnok: Rattle me cruddlers! Itís rifleman Spriggs. Let go, sir.

Spriggs: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Two men sharing one uniform (sings) sharing one uniform.

Bloodnok: Do you know that you are not allowed to sub-let your battledress?

(voice): But heís only occupying the basement.

Bloodnok: Gad, it must be hell down there! Wait a moment, I believe I can hear footsteps in

your boots.

Chief Ellington: Yes, man, thatís me.

Bloodnok: Good heavens, that means thereís three men in one battledress.

Sinjers-Thingh: Ah, Major, Major, Major, Major, Major Bloodnok.

Bloodnok: Itís Havilder Sinjers-Thingh!

Singers-Thingh: Major, sir, I hear strange noises coming from underneath the Crown

Jewels-type room.

Bloodnok: Oh, aagh. Hand me my beaded jewellersí glass. Now, take this photo of me

holding a gun and go and challenge them.

Orch: (chords)

F.X.: (sound of digging)

Grytpype-Thynne: Now, according to Seagoonís instructions on this shovel, the treasureís

right above us, Moriarty.

Moriarty: Owww. Just a few more strokes of this. Ah, owww.

F.X.: (sound of falling debris)

Grytpype-Thynne: I can see daylight! Youíre through, Moriarty!

Moriarty: You mean, Iím fired? (laughter)

Grytpype-Thynne: You fool!

Moriarty: Look, look! Aaagh! Treasure! Crowns, sceptres and orbs, and other things

people canít see on radio.

Grytpype-Thynne: No wonder they couldnít find the treasure. The fools dug down for it.

This treasure was buried above ground level!

Sentry: Hands up! What are you two doing in the Royal Crown Jewels cage?

Grytpype-Thynne: Moriarty, put this crown on, quick!

Moriarty: Right.

Sentry: Who are you, I say?

Moriarty: Iím the King of England.

Sentry: Oooh, Iíll go and put the kettle on.

Moriarty: Aaagh, heís gone, Grytpype.

Grytpype-Thynne: Yes, your Majesty. Put the treasure in the sack now.

Moriarty: Wait Ďtil the Ministry of Works sees this.

Orch: (chords)

Greenslade: Meanwhile, back in 1600, the good ship "Venus" approaches.

Seagoon: Great spollikens! Look yon, silhouetted against the darkness, I see the Tower of

London!

Greenslade: Meantime, back in 1957Ö

Bloodnok: Gad, silhouetted against the darkness, a wooden galleon sailing into the Pool of

London. Fire!

F.X.: (cannon shot)

Greenslade: Back in 1600Ö

F.X.: (cannon shot, followed by a splash)

Seagoon: Gadzooks! Someoneís firing at us from yon tower!

Pirate leader: Weíd better get the treasure ashore in the hairy longboat, sir. Thar, nor, blast, I

say, blast! We left the treasure chest back in hairy America!

Seagoon: America?

Pirate leader: Hairy.

Seagoon: Hairy Eccles!

Eccles: Hairy Seagoon!

Seagoon: Nip back for it.

Eccles: Right.

F.X.: (splash)

Seagoon: Whatís keeping him?

Greenslade: Meantime, in 1957, two figures with Crown Jewels creep along, which makes the

people in 1600 say..

Seagoon: Gadzooks! What strangely clad mortals!

Grytpype-Thynne: Not so loud, Moriarty!

Moriarty: Owww, owww.

Grytpype-Thynne: Douse those "owww"s, Moriarty, before people see them. Hurry, hereís

the Ray Ellington spon!

(Ray Ellington and quartet Ė "The devil and the deep blue sea")

Greenslade: The Treasure in the Tower, part 3. Nineteen fifty-seven.

Seagoon: Ah, gentlemen, come in.

Moriarty: Ah, owww.

(voice): Good news, Mister Minister. We found the buried treasure in the Tower. Look!

F.X.: (sounds of metallic objects dropping - prolonged)

Grytpype-Thynne: There! A sackful of valuable sound effects!

Seagoon: If it werenít for the fact that they werenít the Crown Jewels, Iíd swear that they

were the Crown Jewels.

Grytpype-Thynne: Little does he know, but they are, folks. But, weíre not going to be

lumbered with them.

Seagoon: There, gentlemen, your fee. Ten thousand pounds in Sterling.

Moriarty: Aaagh!

Grytpype-Thynne: Ta, ta, Neddie. Come, Count. Goodbye, Neddie, a sailorís farewell.

F.X.: (door closes, then opens)

Grytpype-Thynne: Officer, arrest that man for stealing the Crown Jewels.

Seagoon: What! That Ö(?) Öís mine! You canít arrest me! Iím the Minister of

Something-or-other. I Ö

Greenslade: Summing up, the judge said Ö

Judge (nasal voice): It is quite clear that you didnít know these were the Crown Jewels. Not

guilty. On the second charge, ten yearsí hard labour.

Seagoon: (gulps) Second charge?

Judge: Yes, being a Minister of the Government, and accepting money for it! To wit,

robbery! Ten years!

Seagoon: Iím innocent!

Greenslade: Ten years later Ö

Seagoon: Aaaagh!

F.X.: (door opens)

Judge: Who said it was ten years later?

Greenslade: I did.

Judge: Ten years hard Ö

Greenslade: No, wait. Let me out! I was only saying what was in the script. Itís nothing to do

with me.

Seagoon: Iíll help you, mate. Ten years later Ö

Judge: Who said "ten years later"?

Seagoon: You just did.

Judge: Let me out! Iím the judge! Help!

Orch: (chords)

Bloodnok: Oh, well, thank heavens the Crown Jewels are back in the Tower. That means I

wonít have to redeem the real ones I pawned.

Eccles: Ah, owie, owie, owie.

Bloodnok: Great spluddocks of crud! ???? Itís an idiot in a Tudor swimming costume, and

dragging a treasure chest.

Eccles: Verily, givest me down me aid! Grab my hand and take my chest.

Bloodnok: Youíre a funny shape, arenít you?

F.X.: (splash)

Eccles: Gadzooks, and ????????? . Ta. Ohoho, ohoho-est mon. Thou art strangely

dressed, thou art!. Thou art, thou art, thou art strangely dressed.

Bloodnok: Obviously an idiot! A strange occurrence.. Iíll make a note of this in me military

diary. (sings Bloodnok introduction music) October of 1957.

Eccles: What year was that?

Bloodnok: 1957, October.

Eccles: Nineteen fifty Ö? 1957?

Bloodnok: Yes.

Eccles: Iíve swum too far!

Bloodnok: Well, where are you from then?

Eccles: 1600. Iíd better be getting back. Hup.

F.X.: (splash)

Bloodnok: Well, I donít know who you were, sir, or where you came from, but youíve did me

a power of good!

Eccles: (shouts, off) ????????????

Bloodnok: Good for you, lad. Come again. Part three. The Ministry of Worksí excavations,

in the boiler room off Mint Street. That was rather quick, wasnít it? For which I shall put on my Crown kit.

Seagoon: Mister Crun, what makes you think the treasure is buried in the boiler room?

Crun: Itís warmer down there.

Seagoon: Splendid reason.

Crun: Now, first we must find the exact spot where the treasure is buried.

Seagoon: Splendid idea. Youíll get a copy of the Birthday Honours for this.

Crun: Miss Bannister!

Min: Yes.

Crun: Miss Bannister here is a qualified treasure diviner with honours in steam (steam

hissing sounds) and banjo (banjo chords).

Seagoon: Good heavens! To look at her, youíd never have thought sheíd ridden a horse in

her life.

Min: Okay, buddy. Iím just ready for my hairy divining. Iíll just put on these

cardboard bicycle clips.

Crun: Min!

Min: Iím ready, buddy.

Crun: Right, then.

Min: Get on that rhythm organ.

Crun: Right.

Min: One, two, Ö

Orch: (organ music, accompanied by Min singing rubbish)

Greenslade: Yes, what a great year 1957 was for England. Meantime, back in 1600, aboard the

hairy longboat, Ö

Orch: (organ music)

Pirate leader: Aaagh! Must be someone digging for treasure, sir. Someone must have got the

wind of it, sir.

Seagoon: They couldnít have! I had it deodorized!

Pirate leader: Aaargh.

Seagoon: But, hold hard. Itís shhhh. Who? Halt. Someone approaches.

F.X.: (footsteps approach)

Seagoon: Zoons! Itís a heap of upright coolie with a hat on top.

Bluebottle: You insult the uniform and legs of Bluebottle!

Seagon: Spillikens! A voice comes from within the trousers.

Bluebottle: It is me, the beefeater of England. See! Holds up dirty big lump of meat. Also

choice of two veg.

Seagoon: Privy, thou speakest in fine conundrums.

Bluebottle: Oooh.

Seagoon: Come, help us with this chest.

Bluebottle: You got trouble with your chest? My Mum rubs mine with hot agony oil. He ha

ha ha, it goes. Wait a minute, wait a minute, you rhythm man. Donít move. Who are .. who is .. who are you?

Seagoon: Pray let us pass. Iím Sir Walter Raleigh.

Bluebottle: Oooh, is this a television for schools then? Whereís the cameras? Iíll do my idiot

waving-to-my-friends-in-school. Hello dere, Harold Pratt! Hello, Mary Quills, Peter Catberg and Vera Millington! Itís Bluebottle here. Tell the teacher I will be in tomorrow. Iím just standing ..

F.X.: (splash, splash)

Little Jim: He has .. fallen .. in the .. water!

Bluebottle: You rotten Sir Walter Raleigh, you! I shall never eat potatoes again. Thinks, Iím

drowning. So thatís why Iíll never eat potatoes again.

Seagoon: Spillikens of blood (?) ! Eccles, put him out. Iíll take ye treasure and bury it in

yon boiler room.

Bluebottle: Eccles, save me!

Eccles: What? Where .. where are you?

Bluebottle: In the water in 1957.

Eccles: Oh, I canít help you then.

Bluebottle: Why not?

Eccles: Iím in 1600. Iím not really. Iím really.., Iím not .. Iím really not here.

Bluebottle: What do you mean by that, my good man?

Eccles: Iíll tell you, my good man. If .., if .. if this is 1957. You said itís 1957? (pause)

Say "yes".

Bluebottle: Yes.

Eccles: Well, if this is 1957, Iím dead!

Bluebottle: The why are you standing up?

Eccles: Um, well, Iím not entirely .. Oh, wow.. aagh! Iíll tell you why Iím standing up -

Ďcause Iím in 1600 and youíre not born yet!

Bluebottle: Cor, wait Ďtil I tell my Mum then. My Dad wonít half cop it!

Greenslade: Meantime, a few yards away in 1957.

Orch: (organ music, accompanied by Min and Crun "singing")

Min: Stop! Stop! Stop, Henry! Itís no good Ö

Crun: Whatís the matter, Min? I was just getting in the treasure divining groove.

Min: Thereís no treasure in the Tower, buddy. Iíve dug down 30 feet and burst a water

main.

Crun: Iíd better bandage it with iodine.

Min: Alright.

Seagoon: You imposters! So youíre not treasure diviners after all. Youíre water diviners!

Crun: Oh.

Seagoon: Whereís my speaking trumpet? Hello, folks. Calling folks.

Min: Heís calling folks.

Seagoon: Hello, folks.

Crun: Calling folks.

Min: Heís calling folks.

Seagoon: Give over! Hello, folks. This is a sad day for the Ministry of Works, folks.

Min: It always has been.

Seagoon: All .. (bursts out laughing) All weíve got for our troubles, folks, is a 30-foot hole!

Farewell, folks.

Orch: (chords)

Seagoon: Gadzooks! He has gone.

Pirate leader: Aaagh, folks. Then we can bury the treasure in the hole here.

F.X.: (sounds of digging)

Greenslade: And that, folks, is why, in 1957, they didnít find the treasure that was buried in

1600. Itís all in the mind, you know.

Orch: (roll-out music)

Announcer: That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry

Secombe, and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The program produced by Charles Chiltern.

Orchestra: (music playout).