THE GREAT REGENTíS PARK SWIMSeries 8, number 4

Transcribed from the "Pick of the Goons" Series version.

Greenslade: This is the BBC. The all-leather Goon Show presents The Great Regentís Park

Swim.

Orchestra: (chords)

F.X.: (car horns, aeroplanes)

Greenslade: England, eighteen thirty. On the throne sat George the Fourth, on a chair sat Tom

Smith. And lying in the gutter outside, Neddie Seagoon.

Seagoon: What, what, what, what, what, what, what, whatÖ Whereís my leather speaking

trumpet? Hello, folks! Hello, folks! Calling folks! Iím not lying in the gutter, Iím standing in it. It just looks as though I am lying.

Greenslade: Yes, you look like a liar.

Seagoon: What, what, what, what, what, what, what, whatÖ Just for that, I shall do an

impression of a car approaching.

F.X.: (sound of car approaching and screeching to a halt)

Seagoon: Even as I spoke, a door drew up.

Chinese voice: Are you Neddie Seagoon?

Seagoon: Yes, Iím Neddie Seagoon.

Chinese voice: Aha, will you please accept invitation from some great German scientist?

Seagoon: Iíll come along.. just to find out what youíre saying!

Chinese voice: Aha, please, Neddie, please jump into this river, and I will drive you there.

F.X.: (splash, and car drives off)

Greenslade: Scene two Ė a piece of string on the floor of the Eidelburger laboratory.

F.X.: (bubbling sounds)

Two voices: Ha ha ha ho ho ha ha Ö (prolonged)

Eidelburger: Yakamoto, in this test tube, I have succeeded in creating life from inanimate

matter.

Yakamoto: Oh boy!

Eidelburger: I will just get a dash of thin peopleís herbs, two spoonfuls of instant licorice, and a

soupcon of Alistairís horse oil.

F.X.: (phsssh)

Eidelburger: Thatís given it something to think about! Now, pour out the gooey paste into the

blue serge cruet.

F.X.: (sounds of something rather solid falling)

Yakamoto: Ha.

Eidelburger: Ha, put this stethoscope on it and listen.

Eccles: (sings) With a smile on my face, for the whole human race, itís almost like being

insane. I love a Ö

Eidelburger: Curse it! We have invented Eccles!

Yakamoto: Aaagh!

Eccles: Oooh, ta.

Yakamoto: Ha.

Eidelburger: Run for it!

F.X.: (sound of door opening)

Crun: Oh yum ta.

Eccles: Oh, thank you. Oh, hello Ö hello, Mister Crun.

Crun: Hello, modern Eccles. Youíre looking well, modern Eccles.

Eccles: Ya, Iíve just been invented, ya.

Crun: Oh.

Eccles: (typical Eccles rubbish)

Crun: Agh, steady, Eccles; steady, modern Eccles.

Eccles: What?

Crun: Modern Eccles.

Eccles: I donít care if I do die. I donít care if I do .. (more rubbish).

Crun: Stop doing that, Eccles. Now just step inside this tiger.

Eccles: Okay.

F.X.: (tiger growl)

Eccles: (gulps) Oh, itís dark in this tiger. Wonder where the light switch is?

Crun: Modern Eccles, poor ignorant fellow that he is, doesnít know that this is only

eighteen thirty, and the elecetric [sic] lighting inside tigers has not been invented yet.

Eccles: Oh, hahahoho, anyone else inside this tiger?

Seagoon: Yes, pardon me, my good man.

Eccles: Yes?

Seagoon: Could you tell me the way out of this tiger?

Eccles: Take the lift to the third floor, past the BBC centreís office.

Seagoon: Thank you.

F.X.: (door closing)

Crun: Aaagh, itís Seagoon out of tiger, by jove. Welcome to the Eidelburger

Foundation. We want you to take part in a vital useless Government-type experiment.

Seagoon: Iíll do anything for my useless country.

Crun: Right. Spike Milligan?

Milligan: Yes, ..

Crun: Have you finished playing the part of Yakamoto?

Milligan: Yes, boy.

Crun: Then take the part of modern Min.

Min: Okay, buddy.

Crun: Ah, modern Min.

Min: (laughs)

Crun: Give Mister Seagoon the tube of green liquid to swallow.

Min: Come on, hot Henry (? Neddie).

Seagoon: (swallows) Aaagh! What was it?

Crun: Aagh, if only we knew.

Min: Oh.

Seagoon: What! It might have been poison. I demand to see my landlord!

Crun: Now, Mister Seacroon [sic], so that we can observe the effect of the green liquid.

Min: Oh.

Crun: Kindly stand in this bucket of boiled dungarees.

Min: Dungarees?

Seagoon: Anything for England!

Crun: Min, get ready to take all this down.

Min: Alright.

Seagoon: Hold the door.

F.X.: (door slams)

Crun: Eleven oíclock, both ears exploded.

F.X.: (sproing, sproing)

Crun: Eleven-o-one, braces burst at the knees.

Min: I wonít look.

Seagoon: You fiend, I canít live with my trousers round my ankles. My legs might fall

down. Oh, the embarrassment of this is beyond.. (tails off)

F.X.: (sound of something falling into bucket)

Crun: Eleven-o-three, choppers fell out.

Seagoon: Iíll never play the Palladium again.

Min: Never mind. Hereís Max Gilthorpe to play it for you.

Seagoon: Round the back for the old brandy, lads!

F.X.: (sound of all running off stage)

(Geldray and orchestra)

Greenslade: That was Mister Max Geldray, well-known carpenter and joiner. By the way,

listeners are not obliged to laugh at that, as it was a personal matter twixt Geldray and the cast. Part three. All day long, Mister Crun experimented to discover what effect his green liquid had had on Neddie.

F.X.: (gunshot)

Seagoon: (dying sounds)

Crun: Really, it hasnít made him bullet-proof, Min.

Min: What a pity!

Seagoon: Whereís my speaking trumpet? Hello, folks! Calling folks. Send for the police,

folks. Iíll never last the show out like this, folks. Help!

Eidelburger: Ah, here, Crun. We can take over from you.

Yakamoto: Ah, leave Seagoon to us.

Crun: Alright. I, Henry Crun, leave Seagoon to Yakamoto and Eidel.

Eidelburger: Right, grab Seagoon, and into the tank with him.

Seagoon: Aaagh! (splash)

Yakamoto: Oh, boy! Oh, look! Neddie Seagoon are not a-sinking.

Eidelburger: So, thatís what the green liquid was. Yakamoto, we have invented swimming.

Orch: (chords)

Seagoon: Hup, swimming? Stretches to get the bottle of green liquid. I set off to achieve

my lifelong ambition, namely, running along with a bottle of green liquid.

F.X.: (sound of feet running)

Greenslade: Ah, Mister Seagoon, If I were you, Iíd.. Iíd patent the idea.

Seagoon: Youíre right. So when the idea catches on, I can charge people royalties every

time they run along with a bottle of green liquid.

F.X.: (sound of horsesí hooves)

Seagoon: En garde (?). What a bit of luck! Here comes a horse-drawn Patent Office.

F.X.: (chicken sounds)

Spriggs: Oh, oh, Jim. Oh, Jim. Hello, sir. Step into the waiting room, Jim.

Seagoon: Gad! There in the corner of a foreign field, surrounded by flies was Ö

Orch: (Bloodnok introduction music)

Bloodnok: Oh, oh, oh (interspersed with rabble sounds). Dear, oh dear, curse these flies!

Dear, dear, dear. How can these naturalist magazines publish pictures like these? I shall be glad when my ten-year subscription runs out, I tell you. I must remember to have these copies bound in brown leather, and labelled "A History of the English-speaking people".

Seagoon: (yawning sound) Pardon me.

Bloodnok: Gad, a man wearing clothes!

Seagoon: Yes, Iím the only fully-clothed naturalist in the world.

Bloodnok: It must be hell in there! What is your name?

Seagoon: Neddie Seagoon.

Bloodnok: Neddie Seagoon? I .. I donít recognize you.

Seagoon: Why not?

Bloodnok: Iíve never seen you before.

Seagoon: Ah, so thatís why. Well, if you must know, Iím Miriam Pottís nephew.

Bloodnok: Miriam Potts. Oh, oh, oh, the darling of Darjeeling. Oh, how we used to dance

together!

Orch: (piano chords)

Bloodnok: (sings) We waltzed the whole night through,

The curry and rice waltz with you.

Itís really hot stuff,

Itís better than the old duff,

And the English, Irish stew.

Itís the ideal waltz for two,

Sailing along in the blue.

I say, letís dance forever,

And donít say "never",

The curry and rice waltz with you. (applause)

F.X.: (phone rings)

Bloodnok: Hello. Thank you (hangs up)

Seagoon: Who was that?

Bloodnok: A recording company.

Seagoon: Really?

Bloodnok: Yes, they wanted to know the time. Iím going to write and tell them, you know.

Seagoon: By the time they get it, it will be too late.

Bloodnok: I shall give them tomorrowís time.

Seagoon: I see. Well, whatís that long parcel youíve got in your long brown bathing suit?

Bloodnok: Ah, itís something that I have invented Ė Regentís Park Canal.

Seagoon: What a stroke of luck! With that canal, and this bottle of green liquid, I can swim

across it without using a bridge. Any revenues from it, Iíll split in two and keep both.

Bloodnok: Well, one doesnít get an offer like that every day! Very well, at dawn tonight, you

start training for the Great Regentís Park Swim.

Orch: (chords)

Grytpype-Thynne: Did you hear that, Moriarty?

Moriarty: Yes, it went "bop, bop, bop, bop, baaar" (as chords had done)

Grytpype-Thynne: Moriarty, weíve got to stop Seagoon swimming.

Moriarty: Sapristi monikers! Aaagh. What? I couldnít have written that! Sapristi.. sapristi

bollija, da, da. Explain.

Grytpype-Thynne: Well, Iíve just invented the word "Help" for people who are drowning.

Moriarty: Owww.

Grytpype-Thynne: If Seagoon markets swimming, my word "Help" is worthless.

Moriarty: I tell you, Neddie will not swim the Regentís Park Canal. Let this sinister music

be a warning to him.

Orch: (sinister chords)

Seagoon: Did you hear that, Bloodnok?

Bloodnok: Yes, it went "Bom, bom, baloa".

Seagoon: Hello, folks. Calling folks. Iím about to start training for my perilous swim

across Regentís Canal. Hup.

F.X.: (splash)

Bloodnok: And, so saying, he dove into a field containing Ray Ellington. Come on, Ray,

play those early naughty Goon Show melodies.

(Ray Ellington and quartet Ė "Swallow-tail coat"/"Iím aígoing courting")

Greenslade: The Great Regentís Park Swim, part two. In preparation, .. oww!

F.X.: (splash)

Seagoon: That got rid of him, folks! Hmm. Now, in preparation for the swim, I swam the

English Channel, the Irish Channel, the Scottish Channel, the Jewish Channel, the Kensington Round Pond and the Kensington Square Pond. Finally, as my "piece-de-resistance", I swam Beethovenís Fifth Symphony. But, one evening, as the good things of day began to droop and drowse, nightís black agents to their preys did rouse.

Grytpype-Thynne: Did you hear that, Moriarty?

Moriarty: Yes, it was MacBeth.

Grytpype-Thynne: Ignorant swine, it was Shakespeare!

Moriarty: Owwww.

Grytpype-Thynne: Stop owwwing, you fool! Youíll have us both out of this tree.

Moriarty: But they canít turn us out of this tree.. weíve paid the rent in advance.

Grytpype-Thynne: Well, stop waving that crow in my face.

Moriarty: Stop it, heís our landlord.

Grytpype-Thynne: Oh.. it wasnít worth him blacking up for the part, was it? Now, try and

locate Neddie. Ah, Moriarty, hand me my telescope.

Moriarty: There.

Grytpype-Thynne: Thank you. Now the salt.

F.X.: (crunching sound)

Grytpype-Thynne: (swallows) Ah, now I can see him. Dashed strange. Heís going into the

zoo, through the tigerís entrance. Moriarty, put on this, er .. put on this tiger skin.

Moriarty: Right.

Orch: (chords)

Willium: Now, Mister Seacroon [sic], you want a neat cage with a tiger bowl?

Seagoon: That is correct, mister zoo-keeper. If anyone wants me, Iíll be wearing this tiger

disguise. You see, I donít want to take any chances before my big swim.

Willium: Er, well, we ainít got an empty cage but you can share this one with our Bengal

tiger. He wonít hurt you so long as you keeps your mouth shut.

Seagoon: Fair enough. Call me at six.

Willium: Right.

F.X.: (door shuts)

Seagoon: Hello, folks. Hello, folks. Iím speaking to you now from inside the tiger skin.

From now on, I shall only speak in think bubbles so that the Bengal tiger will not attack me.

Eccles: Hullo? Hullo? Dat you, Neddie?

Seagoon: Thinks.. yes, itís me, Eccles.

Eccles: Then, why donít you answer me?

Seagoon: Thinks.. because I only talk in thinks bubbles.

Eccles: Oh, well, how can I see thinks bubbles when Iím inside this Bengal tiger?

Seagoon: Well, open the window.

F.X.: (sound of window opening)

Eccles: Ah, now I can see, then.

Seagoon: Thinks.. thanks. Well, now youíve opened the window, why donít you get out?

Eccles: Why? The moment I climb out of this tiger, heíll attack me. I know when Iím

well off!

Seagoon: When?

Eccles: When Iíve got money.

Seagoon: Stop!

Eccles: Nothing, again.. Iím not coming next week.

Greenslade: Meanwhile, at the entrance we find a man leading a rather mangy moth-eaten

tiger.

Grytpype-Thynne: Keep up the growling, Moriarty.

Moriarty: (growls)

Gatekeeper (Neddie with Yorkshire accent): Iím sorry, lads, weíre closed.

Grytpype-Thynne: Look here, my man. It is imperative that I house my tiger here tonight.

Itís his evening off and I want him to spend it among friends.

Gatekeeper: Well, weíll squeeze him into this tigerís cage.

Grytpype-Thynne: In you go, Moriarty.

Moriarty: Right.

Grytpype-Thynne: Big growl.

F.X.: (door closes)

Moriarty: Owww. Now to destroy Seagoon in that silly tiger skin. Ah, itís no good you

growling like that. I know youíre a phony, Seagoon. Aagh.

F.X.: (growling sounds)

Moriarty: Oh, ho ho ho, Iíve got you in my power, I tell you. Ah, you can do a very good

imitation of a tiger growling but I know the truth. Thereís only me and you in this tiger cage. An imitation tiger, I tell you. Aha. I tell you, Iím not Ö..

Greenslade: Ladies and gentlemen, I must warn you that the sound of this scene is not suitable

for children.

Moriarty: What! Aaagh! Why, why, why?

Greenslade: Because that animal you are attacking is not Neddie, but a genuine Bengal tiger.

Moriarty: Aaagh! (etc)

Grytpype-Thynne: Steady, Moriarty.

Moriarty: (more sounds of agony)

Grytpype-Thynne: Steady, Moriarty. You know that I charge one thousand pounds for using

my invention, namely, the word "Help".

Moriarty: (sounds of agony, interspersed with growls)

Seagoon: What a bit of luck, folks. Whilst the Begal tiger was fighting Moriarty, I nipped

out of the cage and made my way to the banks of the Regentís Canal, where I am now standing.

Bloodnok: Ah, Neddie, what a heroic sight you are in your wicker-work bathing costume and

leather life belt. Now, Neddie, are you ready to dive in?

Spriggs: Just a minute, Jim, just a minute. (undecypherable singing)

Seagoon: Itís singing Jim Spriggs, leading piano player by appointment to the Coal Board.

Spriggs: Silence, Jim! You canít swim.. You canít swim in .. you canít swim in that canal

today!

Seagoon: (sings) What, what?

Bloodnok: Let me say that. (sings) What?

Spriggs: Yes, you cannot swim today because Iíve invented this sign saying "No

swimming on Mondays".

Seagoon: Curses, foiled by Monday!

Bluebottle: No, no, I shall save you, Captain! (applause) Enter Bluebottle, with washboard

and Mumís new skiffle-type drawers.

Seagoon: Blim, blam, blom! Itís the well-known Finchley lad, heavily protected against the

wind with newspaper stuffed in the cracks of his spectacles.

Bluebottle: Yes, I have come to save you from Monday. Neddie, my Captain, my lovely little

Captain. Raises in ecstacy onto tips of toes, bringing little knots into play on backs of legs. Knots, knots, knots! In this position, I will now skiffule [sic]. Sings.. youíre nothing but a hound dog, woof, woof, youíre nothing but a hound dog, woof, woof, youíre nothing but a ..

F.X.: (whoosh, splat)

Bluebottle: Aaagh! Who threw that mangle in my ear hole?

Seagoon: It was me. It belonged to my mother. Now, explain how can you save me from

swimming on Monday?

Bluebottle: Monday has gone.

Seagoon: Iíve just invented Tuesday.

Spriggs: Let me see that, Jim.

Bluebottle: Yes.

Spriggs: Wait a minute, Jim. This is a square. Tuesday is oblong.

Bluebottle: I havenít finished it yet. (grinding sound) There you are, a perfectly safe

Tuesday.

Seagoon: Hoorah, saved by a little leather tender-years and tough boots.

Bloodnok: Right, Neddie, now drink your green liquid and swim.

Grytpype-Thynne: Hands up, all of you! Bloodnok, drop that Regentís Park Canal (iron bar

drops) and I warn you, nobody shout "Help". That is a word Iíve just invented and it will cost anybody five hundred pounds to use. Now, give me that green liquid. Right, Neddie, into the canal.

Seagoon: But I canít swim without that green liquid. (splash) You swine, you pushed me

in! Help!

Grytpype-Thynne: Out you come, Neddie. To using the word "Help", five hundred pounds

(cash register) Thank you.

Seagoon: Wait. (splash) Help!

Grytpype-Thynne: Out you come, Neddie. To using the word "Help", another five hundred

Pounds.

F.X.: (cash register)

Grytpype-Thynne: I thank you.

Seagoon: But look here, I ... (splash) You swine, you pushed me in. Help!

Grytpype-Thynne: Out you come, Neddie. To using the word "Help", five hundred pounds

(cash register) Thank you.

Seagoon: Wait. (splash) Help!

(repeated several times, getting faster)

Seagoon: Hello, folks. Thank heavens that is only a recording, otherwise I might have

drowned like this.. (splash).

Grytpype-Thynne: Now, good heavens, what has happened to him?

Little Jim: Heís fallen in the wa-ter!

(applause)

Grytpype-Thynne: Well said, Little Jim! Saved by a catch phrase!

Little Jim: Ta.

Orch: (marching music)

Announcer: That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry

Secombe, and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The program produced by Charles Chiltern.

Orchestra: (music playout).