Bill: This is the well-known BBC Home Service.

GRAMS: Sawing wood

Bill: (over) (ahem) (ahem)

Spriggs: (over sawing) (sings) 'I'm travelling light ... '

Bill: (over sawing) (ahem)

GRAMS: Sawing stops

Bill: Yes, you're perfectly right. It's the new, all-leather Goon Show.

GRAMS: Piano plays jangling chords, then speeded down and slurred

Bill: That was a chord in C, by Johann Sebastian Bach, arranged Doris Arnold. As an encore, Arthur Rubinstein will play Mendelsohn's Sonata in F, in the key of G.

GRAMS: Sonata played on piano, under

Peter (Cockney): (over) Go on 'ere, Arthur, Play it there, boy.

Dick (Cockney): 'Ere a lovely player, 'e is, i'n' 'e?

Peter (Cockney): Cor.

Dick (Cockeny): Go on, Art, the old left 'and there. Go on, boy. Go on, dere.

Peter (Cockney): Go on, gi's 'In da Mood', Art. Go on now.

Dick (Cockney): Gor', beautiful, i'n' 'e, eh? Specially there.

Peter (Cockney): Go on, Arthur. Play it dere.

Peter (Cockney): Get some o' de old beer down there, Arthur.

GRAMS: Playing speeded up and slurred

Bill:L (over) Oh, please! Please, gentlemen. Gentlemen, please.

GRAMS: Piano stops

Bill: The BBC would rather you forget the vicissitudes of the summer layoff, and revert to the new collodion-on-leather process Goon Show.

Peter: Cor.

Dick: Well, if this is what England wants, we present the drama of a time when England was under the yoke and albumen of a certain brown terror.

ORCHESTRA: Descending chords

FX: Door opens

Peter: Spon!

FX: Door closes

Dick: Did you hear that, dear listeners?

GRAMS: Sheep

Dick: Remember it. Spon!

Bill: Spon. First came to England that fateful New Year's dawn in Greek Street. It was three in the morning and two in the afternoon, making a grand total of five in the evening.

FX: Whistle, football rattle

OMNES & CAST: (over) Laughter, party atmosphere

Dick: (over) Good evening, Constable.

Willium: Oh, er, evening Inspector. Er ... 'appy new-type year.

Dick: Happy New Year? With the Conservatives in?

Willium: I'll, er ... I'll tell 'em to move on. Come on there, move along there, you Conserv ...

Banerjee: Pardon me ... pardon me, European-type Constabule of London.

Willium: Wha'?

Banerjee: I ... I have just found a ... a ... a British-type body in the gutter. Terrible.

Willium: Nobody claims it in free days - it's yours.

Banerjee: Nice ...

Dick: Just a moment, just a moment,I'll take charge here.

Banerjee: Taking the charges, taking the charges.

Dick: Just a moment.

Willium: Wha'?

Dick: Listen, hold these wardrobes and let's examine this inert form.

Willium: 'E looks like a man, sir.

Dick: Right, take this down. Contents of pockets ...

FX: Scratching of pen

Dick: ... a wallet.

FX: Scratching of pen

Dick: (over) Empty.

Willium: (over sound of pen) Nationality: English.

Dick: Wearing a very expensive suit. (effort) Ah. Ah. How's that?

Willium: Fits ya lovely. I'll 'ave 'is boots.

Dick: Back! Back, Constable! I am senior!

Banerjee: Wait a ... wait a minute. What about this body in the gutter here, I mean? What to do about it?

Dick: We're coming to him.

Banerjee: What can you do?

Dick: We're coming to him, I'm telling you.

Banerjee: I ... I will get ...

Dick: Shine your torch on him.

Willium: Right. Click!

Banerjee: Click!

Willium: Struthee, matey-ohh! Look! 'E's been sponned!

Dick: Sponned?

Banerjee: Sponned, man?

Dick: Let me see. You're right. He bears all the marks of a severe sponning. Constable ... this is a job for the police.

Willium: Ai, yes. I'll blow nine-nine-nine on me whist-tle.

FX: Fifteen short blasts on police whistle

ORCHESTRA: Music link

Bill: The news of the sponning was in every morning paper.

FX: Breakfast sounds, butter spread on toast, rattling plates, knife on plate

Minnie: Ohh.

FX: Plate falls on floor

Minnie: Oh!

Henry: Ah.

FX: Movement on plate

Henry: Ah.

FX: Cup and saucer

Henry: Ahh.

FX: Spoon falls on floor

Minnie: Ohhoho.

FX: Movement of utensils

Minnie: Come on, boy, beg for your supper. Up, up. Sit up, sit up.

FX: Paper rattle

Minnie: Put this sausage on your nose. There. There's a clever boy.

Henry: Minnie.

Minnie: What?

Henry: I'm fed up having my breakfast like this.

Minnie: All right, then. Down boy, down, down.

FX: Paper rattle

Henry: Min?

Minnie: What is it, Henry?

Henry: I see that a man was sponned last night.

Minnie: Sp ...ohh ... ohh ... ohh! We'll all be sponned in our beds! Oh dear.

Henry: A ...

Minnie: The horrors of spon!

Henry: Don't worry, Min.

Minnie: My grandmother had it in the cran ... ohh!

Henry: I'll ...

Minnie: Spon!

Henry: ... burn some sulphur under the bed.

Minnie: Oh, the power.

Henry: And then we'd better rub some thin people's herbs into our legs, Min.

Minnie: Yes, yes. And we'd better take a spoonful of Indian brandy. Nalanairy pagosh, ohh!

Henry: Yes.

FX: Two knocks on door

Minnie: Ohhh!

FX: Galloping coconut shells

Dick: (over) Whoa!

FX: Coconut shells stop

Dick: Is this your house?

Henry: Here's the receipt, sir.

Minnie: Did your horse wipe its feet, Tony?

Dick: No need to, he came here on another horse.

Minnie: Oh.

Dick: Now ... last night a man was sponned not far from here.

Minnie: Oh.

Henry: We are non-spon people, sir.

Minnie: Non-spon, Henry.

Henry: We are respectable ...

Minnie: Respectable ...

Henry: ... people.

Minnie: ... people.

Dick: Now then ...

Minnie: Non-spon.

Henry: Inspector ...

Dick: Now then, now then, what?

Minnie: What?

Henry: What?

Dick: What?

Minnie: What'd he say?

Henry: What?

Dick: What?

Minnie: What did you say?

Henry: What did you say?

Minnie: (gibberish) Ohh.

Henry: Owwow.

Dick: Listen, don't get excited.

Henry: What?

Dick: I just wanted to know, did you hear anything about three o'clock this morning?

Henry: Yes sir. Shall I tell him, Min?

Minnie: Tell him what you know.

Dick: Yes, tell me, come along, what?

Minnie: Tell him what happened at three o'clock this morning, you naughty man, you.

Henry: I heard a clock strike two.

Dick: Gad! At last! A clue!

Minnie: Poww!

Dick: How many times did it strike two?

Henry: I don't know, sir. I fell asleep after it struck one twice.

Dick: One twice? I'll put that in tha adding machine.

GRAMS: 1 second of Fred the Oyster

Dick: Just as I thought! It ... goodbye! Tally Ho! Yoiks! Hey ... Hey Hey Ho, Silver! A blinding flash, a white horse and a cry of Hey Ho, Silver and the Lone Ranger is on the trail of ... Spon!

FX: Coconut shells galloping, fades

Ray: See ... well, listen, what's goin' on here?

Dick: A leather Goon Show. Care to join us?

Ray: Gor blimey, yes, mate. Me got wife and kid. And Asian Flu.

GRAMS: Many boots running away



ORCHESTRA: Descending chords

FX: Door opens, slow footsteps

Spike: Shpon!

FX: Door closes

Bill: After a week's fruitless search, success.

Dick: I've found an apple! My search is no longer fruitless.

ORCHESTRA: Tattyrah chord

Dick: Apple!

OMNES: Hoi! Ahoi! Ay!

Dick: Just a moment. I was confronted by a tall cadiverous man wearing a nude bicycle shed. Another man let me in.

Moriarty: Um ... er, this way, please.

Grytpype: Er, Inspector, I am, er, Mr. Grytpype-Thynne.

Dick: I'm chimmed to mont you.

Grytpype: (pause) I happen to have a photo of a spon.

Dick: A spon? Huh! I don't believe you.

Grytpype: Moriarty, show the gentleman the receipt for the camera.

FX: Paper rustling

Dick: Gad! This is genuine!

Grytpype: And that's only the receipt. The spon photo is even more genuiner. Moriarty, time for your 'oww'.

Moriarty: Owww.

Grytpype: Splendid.

Dick: Look.

Grytpype: He's just been 'oww'.

Moriarty: Ow.

Dick: What?

Grytpype: Because he had to go 'oww'.

Dick: Good luck. Right, now look ...

Moriarty: Got to go 'oww ping owww'.

Dick: This photo would be of ...

Moriarty: Oww.

Dick: Great value to the police. I must ask you to hand it over feet-first by the wrists.

Grytpype: Oh ho ho ho no, Inspector. First there is a little matter of money.

Moriarty: Money? Money??

FX: Wallop

Moriarty: Oww!

Grytpype: Quiet, Moriarty. Keep your powers down.

Moriarty: My powers a-down.

Grytpype: Stop steaming.

Moriarty: Ai ju ju.

Grytpype: Money, Inspector ...

Moriarty: Ah.

Grytpype: Yes. The spon photo is yours for a mere five hundred pounds.

Dick: Supposing the photo is a forgery.

Grytpype: Well, that is a risk I shall have to take.

Dick: Very well. Very well! Here's five hundred pounds.

FX: Coin falls to floor

Grytpype: Thank you. Now here in this sealed envelope is the spon photo, not to be opened 'til Christmas.

Dick: (aside) I waited 'til Christmas, put on a white leather beard, then tore open the linen envelope from the outside ...

Spike: Ohhh.

Dick: Foiled by foil! This isn't a photo of spon!

Grytpype: How dare you prove us to be liars. Moriarty, hurl this man in the direction of out.

Moriarty: Right. (effort) Uh!

Dick: Uh!

GRAMS: Breaking glass

Grytpype: Right through the window.

Dick: Yes. Ha! That taught him a lesson. A French lesson ... it was a French window.

Spike: Hup!

ORCHESTRA: Tattyrah chord, cymbal snap

OMNES: Hoi! 'Ray! Hup!

Spike: More to come, folks.

Grytpype: Emery-type Seagoon, stop these BBC audience-losing jokes.

GRAMS: Telephone bell - speeded up - slows down

FX: Telephone off hook

Dick: Hello? Emery-type Seagoon here.

Grytpype: Gyrtpype here.

Moriarty: Moriarty here.

Bill: (on phone) This is Doctor Greenslade of St. Hampton's Hospital for the Fit and Healthy. The spon victim is now conscious.

Dick: Strap him to a thermometer 'til I arrive, or vice-versa.

FX: Telephone hung up

Dick: What's the quickest way to St. Hampton's Hospital?

Grytpype: Hold this rocket.

Dick: But I ...

GRAMS: Whoosh, Dick pre-recorded, played very fast: 'What are you doing this for? How dare you!'

ORCHESTRA: Ascending chords link

Bill: Ladies and gentlemen, during the broadcast you might have experienced some crackling in your radio.

Spike: She's mine!

Bill: This is due to atmospherics, so do not interfere with your set or any ladies in the room. Part three: A National Health hospital.

OMNES: Ahh! Ohh!

FX: Slapstick, Temple blocks

Peter: Say 'Aah'.

OMNES: (scream) Ahhh! Oohh! (etc.)

FX: Slapstick, Temple blocks

Peter: Stand by your beds.

Dick: Ah.

Eccles: Ahh.

Dick: Doctor Greenslade, where's the spon man?

Bill: On this hatstand. Though we did our best, he's much better.

Dick: And how are you feeling now, my poor man?

Bill: I'm fine, thank you.

Bluebottle: He means me, you nit! Ay!

Dick: So you were the victim of the sponning. A Finchley child, of no fixed trousers.

Blebottle: Yes, I was heavily sponned, in all areas below the knees. 'Spon' it went. Spon, spon, spon! Up it came, spon! And down it went. Spoggly. (sings) 'Sponnee, how I love you, how I love you, myh dear old Sponnee.'

Dick: Tell me the whole story.

Bluebottle: I was telled you the whole story!

Dick: From the beginning.

Bluebottle: Oh. I do not know dat.

Dick: Right.

Bluebottle: Well, I was ... I was coming back from morining classes one evenin' ... in Hyde Park , and I was brushin' da grass off my knees, when suddenly ...

Dick: Yes yes yes, yes?

Bluebottlle: (aside) Here, dere's some smashin' nurses 'ere, in't dere?

Dick: What, what, what what what what! Remove those evil thoughts from your mind! ... to mine!

Bluebottle: Never! I can get dem free on da National Health.

Dick: Gad, I must vote Labour next time.

Bluebottle: Dey're all red-hot Labour in dis ward.

Dick: So this is the Labour Ward!

Peter: Ha up!

Dick: Hup!

ORCHESTRA: Tattyrah chord, cymbal snap

OMNES: Hoi! Oi! Ay!

Spike: Thank you.

Bluebottle: Ooh, look, here comes someone on a stretcher.

Dick: So, they stretch people here! Poor man. Bandaged from head to throat. A victim of some fool. What happened, my good man?

Moriarty: You threw me through a window, you fool.

Dick: That reminds me, this photo you sold me is not of a spon, but a military gentleman in Africa . Who is he? Speak up! Or I'll confiscate your teeth.

Moriarty: Ahum ... I ... I ... I ... I tell you, I tell you. It's Major Dennis Bloodnok. He owns the film rights of the Wolfenden Report.

Dick? What? Walt Disney will never forgive him. AFtefr him!

ORHCESTRA: Bloodnok's Theme

Bloodnok: Ohh! Ohhhh! Ohhhohhoho! Ohhhohoh!

GRAMS: Swarming bees

Bloodnok: (over) Oh, me ahls, me ahls (sic).The heat and the flies. I ... I should never have come to Timbuktoo in the mating season, you know. (calls) Abdul? My military saxophone.

GRAMS: Buzzing stops

ORCHESTRA: 'Old Comrades' on solo saxophone (C-Melody). Then one long, low note.

Bloodnok: Ahh! Ohh!

GRAMS: Door opens, train arrival and train whistle (speeded up - very fast)

Dick: I'm Emery-type Seagoon. I've just arrived in Africa .

Bloodnok: I am Major Bloodnok, and I've been here all the time.

Dick: So you beat me here.

Bloodnok: Bend down and I'll beat you there!

FX: Slap

Dick: Oww! You fool, Bloodnok!

Bloodnok: What?

Dick: I must warn you, I am here on police business.

Bloodnok: Warn me, then.

Dick: First, a few questions.

Bloodnok: Yes?

Dick: One: Are you naked?

Bloodnok: Yes, I'm training to take a bath.

Dick: What a funny place to keep the soap.

Bloodnok: How dare you!

Dick: Is this a photograph of you?

Bloodnok: I felt no pain. Yes.

Dick: I've paid five hundred pounds for it.

Bloodnok: A bargain, a genuine Bloodnok.

Dick: I bought it believing it to be a photograph of a spon.

Bloodnok: A spon? You've been swindled, sir.

Dick: Bloodnok! I must ask you to be a witness in the spon case.

Bloodnok: I refuse to testify, sir.

Dick: Then I'll subpoena you.

Bloodnok: You filthy swine! Oh! Ohho!

Dick: Tie this railway engine 'round your waist and swallow this lump of coal.

Bloodnok: And, so saying, we left for England.

GRAMS: Two small blasts in tiny model steam engine

Dick: Here we are, back in England.

Spike: I'm sorry, we're closed.

Dick: Curse! It must be Thursday.

GRAMS: Bagpipes

Peter (Scottish): (over) It's a ... no sir, I'm sorry, welcome home to Ongland, sir. While you were sou' ea', there was another case o' sponnin', sir.

GRAMS: Pipes stop

Dick: Where?

GRAMS: Bagpipes

Peter (Scottish): Up tha London Zoo, sir.

GRAMS: Pipes stop

Dick: A zoo sponning! The worst type.

GRAMS: Bagpipes

Peter (Scottish):(over) Ahhrrr, ahhrrr.

GRAMS: Pipes stop

Dick: How do I get there?

GRAMS: Bagpipes

Peter (Scottish): (over) You have ta take a thirty-nine Green Line elephant, sir. But first of all I would like ya to hear this, sir, aye ...

GRAMS: Pipes stop. Piano intro of jangling chords, then accompaniment, under

pre-recorded Peter (Scottish): (singing) 'With a sporran in ma eye and a hairy on ma knee, sporran in ma eye and a hairy on ma knee ... Sporran on ma knee, hairy eye. Ahhhr.' Bagpipes

Peter (Scottish): (over) Well, I hope ya like it, sir. That's ma first composition.

GRAMS: (over pipes) Pistol shot - pipes slow to a halt

Dick: Got him in the haggis!

Peter (Scottish): Yahh.

Dick: Geldray, play a lament while I hold these chickens at bay. Back, you devils!

GRAMS: Clucking chickens

MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY plays 'It Happened In Monterey'.


Bill: Spon. Part three

Dick: Is this the zoo?

Spriggs: Yes Jim. Welcome to captivity.

Dick: I'm not here as a specimen. I believe a fish was sponned.

Spriggs: Yes, Jim.

Dixk: Were there any witnesses to the sponning?

Spriggs: Oh yes, Jim. Harold Blunn.

Dick: Where's he?

Spriggs: In there, Jim. In there!

Dick: Right.

Spriggs: (aside) You're alone, Jim.

Dick: I'll question this Harold Blunn.

Spriggs: Well done, Jim.

GRAMS: Door opens, closes, fottsteps running around the room, while Dick, pre-recorded, screams 'Ahhh ha, wowwww! Ahhha ha, woww. Aha ha!' (fade)

Bill: We had better explain that Harold Blunn us a gorilla. Height: Ten foot three; Chest, normal; Eighty-two inches; Weight: Eight hundred pounds.

GRAMS: Running and Dick screaming continues

Bill: (over) We leave him being questioned by Inspector Emery.

GRAMS: Growling, running footsteps, breaking glass

Dick: (breathless) Ohh!

Spriggs: Is it... any luck, Jim?

Dick: (breathless) Yes. I got out alive.

Spiggs: Oh.

GRAMS: Breaking glass

Dick: Thank heaven, he's thrown me legs out.

FX: Phone rings, taken off hook

Dick: Hello? Emery speaking from the zoo.

Peter (American): (on phone) I got some news, sir. Police records have found an actual recording of a spon.

Dick: What luck! Mr. Spriggs, hold this telephone.

Spriggs: Right, Jim.

Dick: (on phone) Hello, Spriggs?

Spriggs: Yes?

Dick: (on phone) You can hang up now.

Spriggs: OK.

FX: Telephone hung up

ORCHESTRA: Descending chords link

OMNES: (murmuring) 'Rhubarb, rhubarb'.

DIck: (over) Gentlemen, silence!

OMNES: Rhubarb murmurs continue

Spike: (over) Ying tong iddle i po.,

Dick: (over) Silence while we hear this recording of a spon.

OMNES: (murmurs quieten)

Dick: Willium? Play the record.

GRAMS: Spike, pre-recorded, played very fast, pops, gurgles, chokes, whistles and burps

Dick: So that's a spon. Now we know what we're looking for. Action!

ORCHESTRA: Adventure link

OMNES: Chorus of 'Oi! Oi! Ay!' etc.

Bill: To ... to trap the sponner, road blocks were set up. Special men were put on duty. (Spriggs imitation) On du-utee!

GRAMS: Clock chiming, footsteps on pavement

Dick: (over) Left, left, left left left. Now your right. Halt!

GRAMS: Footsteps stop

Dick: Now Colonel, sorry to put a man of such high rank on guard, but only men of high intellect can be trusted. So I leave you to trap the spon. See you later.

GRAMS: Footsteps (one pair of feet) going away

Eccles: (sings, softly) 'Hey, little man, when when when. Love blacker than the swan.'

GRAMS: Brief Fred the Oyster

Eccles: (sings, softly) A de da void. (pause) (speaks) What's that sound effect that should be there that wasn't? What's that?

GRAMS: Fred the Oyster

Eccles: (over) Oh, what's that? What's that? What's that? Ooh! What's that, what's that? What?

GRAMS: Owl hoots

Eccles: Oohhh! Who's dat? What's dat goin' 'oohhh!'? What dat adum. Halt, who goes dere?

GRAMS: Spike (pre-recorded, very fast) gurgles and gibberish

Eccles: Advance and be recognised!

Dick: Don't shoot! It's me. Great news!

Eccles: We're gettin' near de end.

Dick: I've heard that there's a ...

Bill: Even now ...

Eccles: What did you hear den?

Dick: ... (mumbled gibberish)

Bill: (over) ... Emery tells Eccles that a third sponning has been traced to the Canadian Rockies.

Eccles: What, what?

Bill: Part four: The Canadian Rockies.

ORCHESTRA: Tattyrah chord, cymbal snap

OMNES: (cheering) ''Ray!' etc.

Dick: Didn't take long.

Eccles: And it didn't hurt.

Dick: Now, let's speak to this typical native of Canada ...

Eccles: Go on dere.

DIck: ... whio happens to be a stranger around here.

Lew: Um ... er, hello er, partner Buzzy. Um ... so er, what can I do for you?

Spike: (spitting) Sput!

FX: Clang (spittoon)

Lew: 'At's alroight that bit, wan' it?

Dick: Very nice.

Lew: Good.

Dick: We need a guide.

Lew: Here, I got the ... I got the very fella for you. Um ... Chief Worry-guts.

Ray: Yim bom bala boo, yim bom.

Lew: This man here is a genuine fake Red Indian, available for Ray Ellington parts.

Ray: Here, my card.

Dick: This card is blank.

Ray: Got writing on da back.

Dick: That's a damn' silly place to write, on the back.

Ray: Look, me tell you. CHief Worry-guts, MGM child star, expert hunter, traps set, smoke signals - nine words for a shilling, swear-words extra.

Bloodnok: Don't pay it, sir. I can do all your swearing at half the price. It's the off-season, you know.

Eccles: Is dis de off-season?

Bloodnok: Yes.

Eccles: Well, I'm off, den.

Bloodnok: Oh.

Dick: Come back at once! Remember, you're all here as suspects.

Eccles: all of us?

Dick: Yes.

Lew: Well, you better get off before it gets dark then, hadn't you.

Ray: OK, white man.

Eccles: You already got it dark, you.

Ray: All ready for the trek.

Dick: Right. I'll get my trek suit on. Fill up the huskies with petrol and harness them to the charabanc. Forward!

ORCHESTRA: Descending chords link

GRAMS: WInd howling, chickens clucking

Bluebottle: (over) Mush! Mush! Get up, there! Flicks leather-type whip.

FX: Whip crack

Bluebottle: Ohho! My ear-hole!

GRAMS: Chickens clucking

Dick: (over) Bluebottle, tell those dogs to stop doing impressions of chickens.

Bluebottle: Naughty dogs. Stop dem chicken impressions.

GRAMS: Chickens stop

Ray: Paleface, we better travel on foot.

Dick: Right. I'll unpack one.

Ray: But what about the luggage? Me got three wives in suitcase.

BLoodnok: Carry your bag, sir?

Dick: Down, Bloodnok! Put evil thoughts behind you.

Bloodnok: They are behind me. That's why I'm first in the queue, you know.

Dick: Military fool.

Bloodnok: Oh ho, ho ho ho.

Dick: Ah. Now everybody will have to help carry my luggage.

Bloodnok: (strains)

Dick: (aside) Now to find the dreaded spon. I'll g ...

Bill: I'm sorry to interrupt you, Mr. Emery, but we've only got thirty seconds left.

Dick: I can't search Canada for a spon in thirty seconds. Oh. Oh no.

Bill: Very well. Ladies and gentlemen, you've been listening to an incomplete Goon Show. Goodnight.

ORCHESTRA: 'Lucky Strike'

Bill: (after first few bars, over) Alright, alright. WHoa! What, whoa! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!


Bill: Yes, yes, yes. For dissatisfied customers, here is a happy ending.

GRAMS: 'Laura' (under)

Spike: Cynthia.

Peter (Cynthia): Yes, darling.

Spike: Marry me, Cynthia.

Peter (Cynthia): Darling, I'd love to.

GRAMS: Organ plays 'Wedding March', church bells

OMNES & CAST: Cheering

ORCHESTRA: 'Lucky Strike'

Bill: (over) That was The Goon Show, A BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Dick Emery and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer: Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Charles Chilton.