by Spike Milligan 

Guest Starring Dick Emery 
Harry Secombe Indisposed 

Greenslade: This is the BBC Light Programme 
Fx: Saw sawing through wood. Man clears throat [repeated 4 times] 
Greenslade: Yes youíre perfectly right, itís the new all leather Goon Show 
Grams: Piano playing in C Major, sped up to C# Major, slowed down 
Greenslade: That was a chord in C by Johann Sebastian Bach, arranged Dorris Arnold. As an encore, Arthur Rubinstein will play Mendelssohnís Sonata in F in the key of G 
Grams: Piano playing Mendelssohnís Sonata 
Sellers: Go on Arthur, play it there boy 
Emery: Lovely player isnít he? Go on Arthur the old left hand there, go on boy 
Milligan: Weíre just in the mood Arthur go on 
Emery: Lovely isnít it? 
Milligan: Go on Arthur, blow it out. Get some of the old beer down here 
Grams: Mendelssohnís Sonata speeds up and stops 
Greenslade: Oh please, please, gentlemen, gentlemen, please! The BBC would rather you forget the vicissitudes of the summer layoff and refer to the new collodion on leather process Goon Show 
Emery: Well, if this is what England wants we present the drama of a time when England was under the yoking aldreman of a certain brown terror 
Orchestra: Dramatic chords 
Fx: Door opens 
Sellers: Spon! 
Fx: Door closes 
Emery: Did you hear that dear listeners? 
Grams: Sheep 
Emery: Remember it, Spon! 
Greenslade: Spon, first came to England that fateful new years dawn in Greek Street. It was three in the morning and two in the afternoon making a grand total of five in the evening 
Fx: Group of tired people at a party 
Emery-type-Seagoon: Good evening Constable 
William: Oh evening Inspector, happy new-type year 
Emery: Happy new year, with the conservatives in? 
William: Oh, Iíll tell Ďem to move on, come on now move along there 
Singhiz: Pardon me, pardon me European-type Constable of London. Weíve just found a British-type body in the gutter 
William: Nobody claims it in three days itís yours 
Emery: Just a moment, just a moment Iíll take charge here. Just a moment, hold these wardrobes and letís examine this unearthed form 
William: He looks like a man sir 
Emery: Right, take this down. Contents of pockets; a wallet, empty 
William: Nationalityís English 
Emery: Wearing a very expensive suit. [Pause] Howís that? 
William: Fits you lovely, Iíll have his boots 
Emery: Bad Constable, Iím seria 
Singhiz: Wait a minute, what about this body in the gutter? 
Emery: Weíre coming to him, weíre coming to him I tell you! Shine your torch on him 
William: Right, click. Stroofy-manio, look, heís been sponned! 
Emery: Sponned? 
Singhiz: Shponned man? 
Emery: Let me see. Youíre right, he bears the marks of a severe sponning. Constable, this is a job for the police 
William: Oh yes, Iíll blow 9-9-9 on me whistle 
Fx: Puffer whistle blows short 13 times. Dramatic music 
Greenslade: The news of the sponning was in every morning paper 
Fx: Newspaper rattling. Teapot on saucer. Teaspoon on saucer 
Minnie: Ooh 
Fx: Teaspoon on floor 
Minnie: Ooh 
Fx: Teapot. Newspaper 
Minnie and Crun: Ooh 
Fx: Teapot. Teaspoon on floor 
Minnie: O ho ho ho 
Fx: Teaspoon on floor then sacer. Teapot. Cup on saucer 
Minnie: Come on boy, time for your supper. Sit up, sit up, sit up. Put this sausage on your nose. There, thatís a clever boy 
Crun: Minnie 
Minnie: What? 
Crun: Iím fed up having my breakfast like this 
Minnie: Sit down boy 
Fx: Rattling newspaper 
Crun: Min 
Minnie: What is it Henry? 
Crun: I see that a man was sponed last night 
Minnie: Spon, ooh spon, weíll all be sponned in our beds, oh dear. Horrors of spon. Your grandmother had it in the Crimean War, ooh spon 
Crun: Donít worry Min; Iíll put some sulphur under the bed 
Minnie: Oh the power 
Crun: And then weíd better rub some thin peoplesí herbs into our legs, Min 
Minnie: Yes yes, and weíd better take a sponful of Indian brandy as an added precaution 
Fx: Door blasts open 
Minnie and Crun: Aieough 
Grams: Galloping horse approaching 
Emery: Whoa, is this your house? 
Crun: Yes, the receipt 
Minnie: Did the horse wipe its feet? 
Emery: No need to, he came on another horse. Now, last night a man was sponned, not far from here 
Crun: We are non-spon people 
Minnie: Non-spon people! 
Crun: We are respectable people 
Minnie: Respectable people 
Minnie: [over next line] Non-spon 
Emery: Now then 
Minnie and Crun: What, what, what did he say? Ooh 
Emery: Listen, donít get excited. I just wanted to know did you hear anything at about three Ďo clock this morning? 
Crun: Yes sir. Should I tell him? 
Minnie: Tell him what Henry? 
Emery: Just come a long, tell me, what? 
Minnie: Tell him what happened at three Ďo clock this morning, you naughty man you 
Crun: I heard a clock strike two 
Emery: Gad, at last, a clue. Bow! How many times did it strike two? 
Crun: I donít know sir, I fell asleep after it stuck one twice 
Emery: One twice? Iíll put that in the adding machine. 
Grams: Flatulence effects 
Emery: Just as I thought! Goodbye, telli-ho yoiks. Hay ho silver in a blinding flash, a white horse and a cry of hay ho silver and the lone ranger is on the trail of, SPON! 
Grams: Horse shoes galloping away 
Ellington: Listen, whatís going on here? 
Emery: A leather Goon Show, care to join us? 
Ellington: Cor blimey, yes mate. Me got wife and kid, an Asian flu. 
Grams: Running footsteps disappearing 

Ray Ellington - "Sonny Boy" 

Orchestra: Dramatic music 
Fx: Door opens. Footsteps approaching 
Milligan: (Old voice) Spon! 
Fx: Door closes 
Greenslade: After a weekís of fruitless search - success! 
Emery: I found an apple; my search is no longer fruitless 
Orchestra: Woodwind chord, symbol crash 
Emery: Apple! 
Cast: Ha-Ha 
Emery: Just a moment. I was confronted by a tall cadiverous man wearing a nude bicycle shed. Another man let me in 
Moriarty: Ah, come this way please 
Grytpype: Inspector, I am Mr. Grytpype Thyne 
Emery: Iím Jim Tomontiul 
Grytpype: I happen to have a photo of a spon 
Emery: A spon? Ha, I donít believe you 
Grytpype: Moriarty, show the gentlemen the receipt for the camera 
Fx: Paper rattling 
Emery: Gad, this is genuine 
Grytpype: And thatís only the receipt. The spon photo is even more genuine. Moriarty, time for your oow. 
Moriarty: Ooioww 
Grytpype: Splendid. Heís just been oowed 
Emery: What? 
Grytpype: Because he had to go oow 
Emery: Good luck. Right now look 
Moriarty: He let me go oow 
Emery: This photo will be a great value to the police. I must ask you to hand it over feet first by the wrists 
Grytpype: (Laughs) No Inspector, first there is a little matter of money 
Moriarty: Money, MONEY!? Hooow 
Grytpype: Quiet Moriarty. Keep your powers down 
Moriarty: My powers down 
Grytpype: Stop steaming. Money Inspector, yes, the spon photo draws for a mere £500 
Emery: Supposing the photo is a forgery? 
Grytpype: Well that is a risk I shall have to take 
Emery: Very well, very well, hereís £500 
Fx: Coin hitting floor 
Grytpype: Thankyou, now here in this sealed envelope is the spon photo not to be opened Ďtill Christmas 
Emery: I waited Ďtill Christmas, put on a white leather beard, then tore open the linen envelope from the outside - foiled by foiled, this isnít a photo of a spon. 
Grytpype: How dare you prove us to be liars? Moriarty hurl this man in the direction of out 
Moriarty: Right, hup! 
Grams: Shattering glass 
Grytpype: Right through the window 
Emery: Yes, that taught them a lesson, a French lesson. It was a French window! 
Orchestra: Woodwind chord, symbol crash 
Cast: Hoy! 
Grytpype: Emery-type-Seagoon, stop these BBC audience losing jokes 
Grams: Telephone rings speeding up then slowing down again 
Emery: Hello, Emery-type-Seagoon here 
Grytpype: Grytpype here 
Moriarty: Moriarty here 
Greenslade: (Distorted) This is Dr. Greenslade of St. Hamptonís Hospital for the Fit and Healthy. The spon victim is now conscious 
Emery: Strap him to a thermometer until I arrive or vice-versa 
Fx: Hangs up phone 
Emery: Whatís the quickest way to St. Hamptonís Hospital? 
Grytpype: Hold this rocket 
Emery: But I... 
Grams: Whoosh. Sped up voice of Emery saying ĎWhat are you doing this for? How dare you...?í 
Orchestra: Dramatic music 
Greenslade: Ladies and gentlemen, during the broadcast you mightíve experienced some crackling on your radio 
Milligan: Sheís mine 
Greenslade: This is due to atmospherics, so do not interfere with your set or any ladies in the room. Part three - a National Health Hospital. 
Doctor: Say aahh 
Patient: Aahh (Screams) 
Fx: Objects hitting floor 
Doctor: Stand by your beds 
Fx: Disorganised running footsteps 
Emery: Ah, Dr. Greenslade, whereís the spon man? 
Greenslade: On this hatstand. We did our best, heís much better 
Emery: And how are you feeling now, my poor man? 
Greenslade: Iím fine thankyou 
Bluebottle: He means me you nit! 
Emery: So you were the victim of the sponning, a Finchley child, of no fixed trousers 
Bluebottle: Yes I was heavily sponned in all areas below the knees. Spon it went, spon spon spon! Up it came, spon! And down it went, spuggy! [Singing] Honey, how I love you, how I love you my dear old honey! 
Emery: Tell me the whole story 
Bluebottle: I was told you the whole story 
Emery: From the beginning 
Bluebottle: Oh I diden know that 
Emery: Right 
Bluebottle: Well I was, I was coming back from morning classes one evening in Hyde Park and I was brushing the grass off my knees when suddenly... 
Emery: Yes yes yes yes? 
Bluebottle: Yeah, thereís some smashing nurses there 
Emery: What, what, what what what what what?! Remove those evil thoughts from your mind, to mine 
Bluebottle: Never! I can get them free on the National Health 
Emery: Gad I must vote labour next time 
Bluebottle: Theyíre all red-hot labour in this ward 
Emery: So this is the labour ward, hup! 
Orchestra: Woodwind chord, symbol crash 
Cast: Hoy! 
Bluebottle: Oh look, here comes someone on a stretcher 
Emery: So they stretch people here. Poor man, bandaged from head to throat. A victim of some fool. What happened my poor man? 
Moriarty: You threw me through a window you fool 
Emery: That reminds me this photo you sold me is not of a spon but a military gentleman in Africa. Who is he? ...Speak up, or Iíll confiscate your teeth! 
Moriarty: OK, I tell you I tell you. Itís Major Dennis Bloodnok, he owns the film rights of The Walton Report 
Emery: What?! Walt Disney will never forgive him. After him! 
Orchestra: Bloodnok theme 
Bloodnok: Aeough aeough! Me arles me arles! 
Grams: Flies 
Bloodnok: The heat and the flies. I should neveríve come to Timbuktu in the mating season, you know. Abdol, my military saxophone 
Orchestra: Saxophone playing start of ĎComrades Marchí finishing with one low loud note 
Bloodnok: Aeough 
Fx: Knock on door, door opens, machine 
Emery: Iím Emery-type-Seagoon, Iíve just arrived in Africa 
Bloodnok: Iím Major Bloodnok and Iíve been here all the time 
Emery: So you beat me here 
Bloodnok: Bend down and Iíll beat you there 
Fx: Cracking whip 
Emery: OOOWWW, you fool. Bloodnok 
Bloodnok: What? 
Emery: I must warn you Iím on police business 
Bloodnok: Warn me then 
Emery: First, a few questions 
Bloodnok: Yes? 
Emery: One, are you naked? 
Bloodnok: Yes Iím training to take a bath 
Emery: What a funny place to keep the soap 
Bloodnok: How dare you? 
Emery: Is this a photograph of you? 
Bloodnok: I felt no pain 
Emery: Yes, I paid £500 for it 
Bloodnok: A bargain, a genuine Bloodnok 
Emery: I bought it believing it to be a photograph of a spon 
Bloodnok: A spon? Youíve been swindled 
Emery: Bloodnok, I must ask you to be a witness in the spon case 
Bloodnok: I refuse to testify, sir 
Emery: Then Iíll supiner you 
Bloodnok: You filthy swine! Oooh, Aooohoh! 
Emery: Tie this railway engine round your waist and swallow this lump of coal 
Bloodnok: And so saying we left for England! 
Grams: Two short train whistles 
Emery: Here we are back in England 
Milligan: Iím sorry weíre closed 
Emery: Curse! It must be Thursday 
Burke: [Talking with bagpipe music] No sir, Iím sorry, welcome home to ungland [England] sir. While you were saway thereís another case of sponniní sir. 
Emery: Where? 
Burke: [Talking with bagpipe music] At the London Zoo sir. 
Emery: A ZOO sponning, the worst type 
Burke: [Talking with bagpipe music] Aarrrr aarrrr 
Emery: How do I get there? 
Burke: [Talking with bagpipe music] You have to take a 39 green elephant sir, but first of all I would like you to hear this array 
Orchestra: Burke singing ĎHairy Meí accompanied by piano 
Burke: [Talking with bagpipe music] Well I hope you like it sir, itís my first composition 
Fx: Gunshot, Burke in pain 
Grams: dying bagpipes 
Emery: Got him in the haggis. Geldray play a lament while I put these chickens at bay. Back you devils! 
Grams: Chicken bleats 

Max Geldray - "It Happened in Monterey" 

Greenslade: Spon - part three 
Emery: Is this the zoo? 
Spriggs: Yes Jim, welcome to captivity 
Emery: Iím not here as a specimen. I believe a fish was sponned 
Spriggs: Yes Jim 
Emery: Were there any witnesses to the sponning? 
Spriggs: Oh yes Jim, Harold Blun. 
Emery: Whereís he? 
Spriggs: In there Jim, [singing] iiinnn therrre 
Emery: Right, Iíll question this Harold Blun. 
Fx: Door opens, then closes, running footsteps and maniacal crying 
Greenslade: We had better explain that Harold Blun is a gorilla. Height, 10 foot 3; chest, normal 82 inches; weight, 800 pounds. We leave him being questioned by Inspector Emery. 
Grams: Shattering glass 
Emery: Oohh 
Spriggs: Any luck Jim? 
Emery: Yes, I got out alive 
Grams: More shattering glass 
Emery: Thank heaven heís thrown my legs out 
Fx: Telephone ringing 
Emery: Hello? Emery speaking from the zoo 
Sellers: [American, on phone] Iíve got some news sir. Police records have found an actual recording of a spon 
Emery: What luck! Mr Spriggs, hold this telephone 
Spriggs: Right Jim 
Emery: [On phone] Hello Spriggs? 
Spriggs: Yes? 
Emery: You can hang up now 
Spriggs: OK 
Orchestra: Dramatic music 
Cast: Rhubarbs 
Emery: Gentlemen, silence! Silence while we hear this recording of a spon. William, play the record 
Grams: Vibrato high voice, pops, pff, voice going up and down followed by high note, burp, fast clicking, ends with a few short notes 
Emery: So thatís a spon. Now we know what weíre looking for. Action 
Orchestra: Dramatic music 
Cast: Hoy! 
Greenslade: To trap the sponner, roadblocks were set up. Special men were put on duty. [Singing] On dutyyyyy! 
Grams: Boat bell clanging twice, footsteps fading in 
Emery: Left, left, left left left. Now youíre right. Halt! 
Grams: Footsteps stop 
Emery: Now Colonel, sorry to put a man of such high rank on guard but only men of high intellect can be trusted, so I leave you to trap the spon. See you later 
Fx: Footsteps fading out 
Eccles: [Singing softly] Hey little men, when when when, love letters in the street... 
Fx: Flatulence effects 
Eccles: Whatís that sound that shouldnít be there and wasnít? Whatís that? Whatís that? Whatís that? 
Fx: More flatulence effects 
Eccles: Oooohhh. Whatís that then? Hatís that? What? 
Fx: Wind 
Eccles: Ooooohhhhhh. Whatís that? Whatís that going ooooohhhhh? Who goes there? 
Fx: Gibberish talk 
Eccles: Advance and be recognised 
Emery: Donít shoot! Itís me, great news! Iíve heard that thereís a... 
Greenslade: Now, Emery tells Eccles that a third sponning has been traced to the Canadian Rockies. Part four - the Canadian Rockies 
Orchestra: Woodwind chord, symbol crash 
Cast: Hoy! 
Emery: Look, the Canadian Rockies! 
Cast: Hurray! 
Emery: Didnít take long 
Eccles: It didnít hurt 
Emery: Now letís speak to this typical native of Canada, who happens to be a stranger around here 
Cyril: Um, hello partner buddy. Um, so ah, what can I do for you? 
Fx: Spit, object hitting bucket 
Cyril: Thatís alright that bit wasnít it? 
Emery: Very nice. We need a guide. 
Cyril: Here, Iíve got the very fella for you. Um, Chief Wurriguts. 
Wurriguts: Yim, boom balabuya bomb. 
Cyril: This man here is a genuine fake Red Indian available for Ray Ellington parts. 
Wurriguts: My card. 
Emery: This card is blank. 
Wurriguts: Me got writing on the back. 
Emery: Thatís a damn silly place to write, on the back. 
Wurriguts: Look, me tell you. Chief Wurriguts, MGM child star, expert hunter, trapped? Sends spoke signals, nine words per shilling, sware words extra. 
Bloodnok: Donít pay it sir, I can do all your swearing at half price. Itís the off season, you know. 
Eccles: Is this the off season? 
Bloodnok: Yes. 
Eccles: Well Iím off then. 
Emery: Come back at once! Remember here as suspects 
Eccles: All of us? 
Emery: Yes. 
Cyril: Well youíd better head off before it gets dark then, hadnít you? 
Wurriguts: OK, white men, all ready for the trek? 
Emery: Right, Iíll get my trek suit on. Fill up the huskies with petrol and harness them to the sherrabang. Forward! 
Orchestra: Dramatic link 
Grams: Gail wind, chicken bleats... 
Bluebottle: Mush, mush! Get up there! Flicks leather-type whip 
Orchestra: Cracking whip 
Bluebottle: Aeough, my ear hole! 
Emery: Bluebottle, tell those dogs to stop doing impressions of chickens 
Bluebottle: Naughty dogs! Stop them chicken impressions 
Grams: Chicken bleats stop 
Wurriguts: Well now, weíll have to travel on foot 
Emery: Right, Iíll unpack one 
Wurriguts: But what about your luggage? Me got three wives in suitcase 
Bloodnok: Carry your bags, sir? 
Emery: Down Bloodnok! Put evil thoughts behind you 
Bloodnok: They are behind me, thatís why Iím first in the queue, you know 
Emery: Military fool 
Bloodnok: [Laughs] 
Emery: Oh, now everybody will have to help carry my luggage. Now to find that dreaded spon! 
Greenslade: Iím sorry to interrupt you, Mr. Emery, but youíve only got thirty seconds left 
Emery: I canít search Canada for a spon in thirty seconds! Oh no! 
Greenslade: Very well. Ladies and gentlemen, youíve been listening to an incomplete Goon Show. Goodnight! 
Orchestra: Start of end theme, but... 
Greenslade: Alright Wally, whoa hold it. For dissatisfied customers, here is a happy ending: 
Orchestra: Romantic music 
Milligan: Cynthia? 
Cynthia: Yes darling? 
Milligan: Marry me, Cynthia! 
Cynthia: Darling, Iíd love to! 
Grams: Organ playing bridal precession, church bells clanging 
Orchestra: End theme 
Greenslade: That was the Goon Show. A BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Dick Emery and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Charles Chilton!