Spon by Spike Milligan Guest Starring Dick Emery Harry Secombe Indisposed Greenslade: This is the BBC Light Programme Fx: Saw sawing through wood. Man clears throat [repeated 4 times] Greenslade: Yes youíre perfectly right, itís the new all leather Goon Show Grams: Piano playing in C Major, sped up to C# Major, slowed down Greenslade: That was a chord in C by Johann Sebastian Bach, arranged Dorris Arnold. As an encore, Arthur Rubinstein will play Mendelssohnís Sonata in F in the key of G Grams: Piano playing Mendelssohnís Sonata Sellers: Go on Arthur, play it there boy Emery: Lovely player isnít he? Go on Arthur the old left hand there, go on boy Milligan: Weíre just in the mood Arthur go on Emery: Lovely isnít it? Milligan: Go on Arthur, blow it out. Get some of the old beer down here Grams: Mendelssohnís Sonata speeds up and stops Greenslade: Oh please, please, gentlemen, gentlemen, please! The BBC would rather you forget the vicissitudes of the summer layoff and refer to the new collodion on leather process Goon Show Emery: Well, if this is what England wants we present the drama of a time when England was under the yoking aldreman of a certain brown terror Orchestra: Dramatic chords Fx: Door opens Sellers: Spon! Fx: Door closes Emery: Did you hear that dear listeners? Grams: Sheep Emery: Remember it, Spon! Greenslade: Spon, first came to England that fateful new years dawn in Greek Street. It was three in the morning and two in the afternoon making a grand total of five in the evening Fx: Group of tired people at a party Emery-type-Seagoon: Good evening Constable William: Oh evening Inspector, happy new-type year Emery: Happy new year, with the conservatives in? William: Oh, Iíll tell Ďem to move on, come on now move along there Singhiz: Pardon me, pardon me European-type Constable of London. Weíve just found a British-type body in the gutter William: Nobody claims it in three days itís yours Emery: Just a moment, just a moment Iíll take charge here. Just a moment, hold these wardrobes and letís examine this unearthed form William: He looks like a man sir Emery: Right, take this down. Contents of pockets; a wallet, empty William: Nationalityís English Emery: Wearing a very expensive suit. [Pause] Howís that? William: Fits you lovely, Iíll have his boots Emery: Bad Constable, Iím seria Singhiz: Wait a minute, what about this body in the gutter? Emery: Weíre coming to him, weíre coming to him I tell you! Shine your torch on him William: Right, click. Stroofy-manio, look, heís been sponned! Emery: Sponned? Singhiz: Shponned man? Emery: Let me see. Youíre right, he bears the marks of a severe sponning. Constable, this is a job for the police William: Oh yes, Iíll blow 9-9-9 on me whistle Fx: Puffer whistle blows short 13 times. Dramatic music Greenslade: The news of the sponning was in every morning paper Fx: Newspaper rattling. Teapot on saucer. Teaspoon on saucer Minnie: Ooh Fx: Teaspoon on floor Minnie: Ooh Fx: Teapot. Newspaper Minnie and Crun: Ooh Fx: Teapot. Teaspoon on floor Minnie: O ho ho ho Fx: Teaspoon on floor then sacer. Teapot. Cup on saucer Minnie: Come on boy, time for your supper. Sit up, sit up, sit up. Put this sausage on your nose. There, thatís a clever boy Crun: Minnie Minnie: What? Crun: Iím fed up having my breakfast like this Minnie: Sit down boy Fx: Rattling newspaper Crun: Min Minnie: What is it Henry? Crun: I see that a man was sponed last night Minnie: Spon, ooh spon, weíll all be sponned in our beds, oh dear. Horrors of spon. Your grandmother had it in the Crimean War, ooh spon Crun: Donít worry Min; Iíll put some sulphur under the bed Minnie: Oh the power Crun: And then weíd better rub some thin peoplesí herbs into our legs, Min Minnie: Yes yes, and weíd better take a sponful of Indian brandy as an added precaution Fx: Door blasts open Minnie and Crun: Aieough Grams: Galloping horse approaching Emery: Whoa, is this your house? Crun: Yes, the receipt Minnie: Did the horse wipe its feet? Emery: No need to, he came on another horse. Now, last night a man was sponned, not far from here Crun: We are non-spon people Minnie: Non-spon people! Crun: We are respectable people Minnie: Respectable people Minnie: [over next line] Non-spon Emery: Now then Minnie and Crun: What, what, what did he say? Ooh Emery: Listen, donít get excited. I just wanted to know did you hear anything at about three Ďo clock this morning? Crun: Yes sir. Should I tell him? Minnie: Tell him what Henry? Emery: Just come a long, tell me, what? Minnie: Tell him what happened at three Ďo clock this morning, you naughty man you Crun: I heard a clock strike two Emery: Gad, at last, a clue. Bow! How many times did it strike two? Crun: I donít know sir, I fell asleep after it stuck one twice Emery: One twice? Iíll put that in the adding machine. Grams: Flatulence effects Emery: Just as I thought! Goodbye, telli-ho yoiks. Hay ho silver in a blinding flash, a white horse and a cry of hay ho silver and the lone ranger is on the trail of, SPON! Grams: Horse shoes galloping away Ellington: Listen, whatís going on here? Emery: A leather Goon Show, care to join us? Ellington: Cor blimey, yes mate. Me got wife and kid, an Asian flu. Grams: Running footsteps disappearing Ray Ellington - "Sonny Boy" Orchestra: Dramatic music Fx: Door opens. Footsteps approaching Milligan: (Old voice) Spon! Fx: Door closes Greenslade: After a weekís of fruitless search - success! Emery: I found an apple; my search is no longer fruitless Orchestra: Woodwind chord, symbol crash Emery: Apple! Cast: Ha-Ha Emery: Just a moment. I was confronted by a tall cadiverous man wearing a nude bicycle shed. Another man let me in Moriarty: Ah, come this way please Grytpype: Inspector, I am Mr. Grytpype Thyne Emery: Iím Jim Tomontiul Grytpype: I happen to have a photo of a spon Emery: A spon? Ha, I donít believe you Grytpype: Moriarty, show the gentlemen the receipt for the camera Fx: Paper rattling Emery: Gad, this is genuine Grytpype: And thatís only the receipt. The spon photo is even more genuine. Moriarty, time for your oow. Moriarty: Ooioww Grytpype: Splendid. Heís just been oowed Emery: What? Grytpype: Because he had to go oow Emery: Good luck. Right now look Moriarty: He let me go oow Emery: This photo will be a great value to the police. I must ask you to hand it over feet first by the wrists Grytpype: (Laughs) No Inspector, first there is a little matter of money Moriarty: Money, MONEY!? Hooow Grytpype: Quiet Moriarty. Keep your powers down Moriarty: My powers down Grytpype: Stop steaming. Money Inspector, yes, the spon photo draws for a mere £500 Emery: Supposing the photo is a forgery? Grytpype: Well that is a risk I shall have to take Emery: Very well, very well, hereís £500 Fx: Coin hitting floor Grytpype: Thankyou, now here in this sealed envelope is the spon photo not to be opened Ďtill Christmas Emery: I waited Ďtill Christmas, put on a white leather beard, then tore open the linen envelope from the outside - foiled by foiled, this isnít a photo of a spon. Grytpype: How dare you prove us to be liars? Moriarty hurl this man in the direction of out Moriarty: Right, hup! Grams: Shattering glass Grytpype: Right through the window Emery: Yes, that taught them a lesson, a French lesson. It was a French window! Orchestra: Woodwind chord, symbol crash Cast: Hoy! Grytpype: Emery-type-Seagoon, stop these BBC audience losing jokes Grams: Telephone rings speeding up then slowing down again Emery: Hello, Emery-type-Seagoon here Grytpype: Grytpype here Moriarty: Moriarty here Greenslade: (Distorted) This is Dr. Greenslade of St. Hamptonís Hospital for the Fit and Healthy. The spon victim is now conscious Emery: Strap him to a thermometer until I arrive or vice-versa Fx: Hangs up phone Emery: Whatís the quickest way to St. Hamptonís Hospital? Grytpype: Hold this rocket Emery: But I... Grams: Whoosh. Sped up voice of Emery saying ĎWhat are you doing this for? How dare you...?í Orchestra: Dramatic music Greenslade: Ladies and gentlemen, during the broadcast you mightíve experienced some crackling on your radio Milligan: Sheís mine Greenslade: This is due to atmospherics, so do not interfere with your set or any ladies in the room. Part three - a National Health Hospital. Doctor: Say aahh Patient: Aahh (Screams) Fx: Objects hitting floor Doctor: Stand by your beds Fx: Disorganised running footsteps Emery: Ah, Dr. Greenslade, whereís the spon man? Greenslade: On this hatstand. We did our best, heís much better Emery: And how are you feeling now, my poor man? Greenslade: Iím fine thankyou Bluebottle: He means me you nit! Emery: So you were the victim of the sponning, a Finchley child, of no fixed trousers Bluebottle: Yes I was heavily sponned in all areas below the knees. Spon it went, spon spon spon! Up it came, spon! And down it went, spuggy! [Singing] Honey, how I love you, how I love you my dear old honey! Emery: Tell me the whole story Bluebottle: I was told you the whole story Emery: From the beginning Bluebottle: Oh I diden know that Emery: Right Bluebottle: Well I was, I was coming back from morning classes one evening in Hyde Park and I was brushing the grass off my knees when suddenly... Emery: Yes yes yes yes? Bluebottle: Yeah, thereís some smashing nurses there Emery: What, what, what what what what what?! Remove those evil thoughts from your mind, to mine Bluebottle: Never! I can get them free on the National Health Emery: Gad I must vote labour next time Bluebottle: Theyíre all red-hot labour in this ward Emery: So this is the labour ward, hup! Orchestra: Woodwind chord, symbol crash Cast: Hoy! Bluebottle: Oh look, here comes someone on a stretcher Emery: So they stretch people here. Poor man, bandaged from head to throat. A victim of some fool. What happened my poor man? Moriarty: You threw me through a window you fool Emery: That reminds me this photo you sold me is not of a spon but a military gentleman in Africa. Who is he? ...Speak up, or Iíll confiscate your teeth! Moriarty: OK, I tell you I tell you. Itís Major Dennis Bloodnok, he owns the film rights of The Walton Report Emery: What?! Walt Disney will never forgive him. After him! Orchestra: Bloodnok theme Bloodnok: Aeough aeough! Me arles me arles! Grams: Flies Bloodnok: The heat and the flies. I should neveríve come to Timbuktu in the mating season, you know. Abdol, my military saxophone Orchestra: Saxophone playing start of ĎComrades Marchí finishing with one low loud note Bloodnok: Aeough Fx: Knock on door, door opens, machine Emery: Iím Emery-type-Seagoon, Iíve just arrived in Africa Bloodnok: Iím Major Bloodnok and Iíve been here all the time Emery: So you beat me here Bloodnok: Bend down and Iíll beat you there Fx: Cracking whip Emery: OOOWWW, you fool. Bloodnok Bloodnok: What? Emery: I must warn you Iím on police business Bloodnok: Warn me then Emery: First, a few questions Bloodnok: Yes? Emery: One, are you naked? Bloodnok: Yes Iím training to take a bath Emery: What a funny place to keep the soap Bloodnok: How dare you? Emery: Is this a photograph of you? Bloodnok: I felt no pain Emery: Yes, I paid £500 for it Bloodnok: A bargain, a genuine Bloodnok Emery: I bought it believing it to be a photograph of a spon Bloodnok: A spon? Youíve been swindled Emery: Bloodnok, I must ask you to be a witness in the spon case Bloodnok: I refuse to testify, sir Emery: Then Iíll supiner you Bloodnok: You filthy swine! Oooh, Aooohoh! Emery: Tie this railway engine round your waist and swallow this lump of coal Bloodnok: And so saying we left for England! Grams: Two short train whistles Emery: Here we are back in England Milligan: Iím sorry weíre closed Emery: Curse! It must be Thursday Burke: [Talking with bagpipe music] No sir, Iím sorry, welcome home to ungland [England] sir. While you were saway thereís another case of sponniní sir. Emery: Where? Burke: [Talking with bagpipe music] At the London Zoo sir. Emery: A ZOO sponning, the worst type Burke: [Talking with bagpipe music] Aarrrr aarrrr Emery: How do I get there? Burke: [Talking with bagpipe music] You have to take a 39 green elephant sir, but first of all I would like you to hear this array Orchestra: Burke singing ĎHairy Meí accompanied by piano Burke: [Talking with bagpipe music] Well I hope you like it sir, itís my first composition Fx: Gunshot, Burke in pain Grams: dying bagpipes Emery: Got him in the haggis. Geldray play a lament while I put these chickens at bay. Back you devils! Grams: Chicken bleats Max Geldray - "It Happened in Monterey" Greenslade: Spon - part three Emery: Is this the zoo? Spriggs: Yes Jim, welcome to captivity Emery: Iím not here as a specimen. I believe a fish was sponned Spriggs: Yes Jim Emery: Were there any witnesses to the sponning? Spriggs: Oh yes Jim, Harold Blun. Emery: Whereís he? Spriggs: In there Jim, [singing] iiinnn therrre Emery: Right, Iíll question this Harold Blun. Fx: Door opens, then closes, running footsteps and maniacal crying Greenslade: We had better explain that Harold Blun is a gorilla. Height, 10 foot 3; chest, normal 82 inches; weight, 800 pounds. We leave him being questioned by Inspector Emery. Grams: Shattering glass Emery: Oohh Spriggs: Any luck Jim? Emery: Yes, I got out alive Grams: More shattering glass Emery: Thank heaven heís thrown my legs out Fx: Telephone ringing Emery: Hello? Emery speaking from the zoo Sellers: [American, on phone] Iíve got some news sir. Police records have found an actual recording of a spon Emery: What luck! Mr Spriggs, hold this telephone Spriggs: Right Jim Emery: [On phone] Hello Spriggs? Spriggs: Yes? Emery: You can hang up now Spriggs: OK Orchestra: Dramatic music Cast: Rhubarbs Emery: Gentlemen, silence! Silence while we hear this recording of a spon. William, play the record Grams: Vibrato high voice, pops, pff, voice going up and down followed by high note, burp, fast clicking, ends with a few short notes Emery: So thatís a spon. Now we know what weíre looking for. Action Orchestra: Dramatic music Cast: Hoy! Greenslade: To trap the sponner, roadblocks were set up. Special men were put on duty. [Singing] On dutyyyyy! Grams: Boat bell clanging twice, footsteps fading in Emery: Left, left, left left left. Now youíre right. Halt! Grams: Footsteps stop Emery: Now Colonel, sorry to put a man of such high rank on guard but only men of high intellect can be trusted, so I leave you to trap the spon. See you later Fx: Footsteps fading out Eccles: [Singing softly] Hey little men, when when when, love letters in the street... Fx: Flatulence effects Eccles: Whatís that sound that shouldnít be there and wasnít? Whatís that? Whatís that? Whatís that? Fx: More flatulence effects Eccles: Oooohhh. Whatís that then? Hatís that? What? Fx: Wind Eccles: Ooooohhhhhh. Whatís that? Whatís that going ooooohhhhh? Who goes there? Fx: Gibberish talk Eccles: Advance and be recognised Emery: Donít shoot! Itís me, great news! Iíve heard that thereís a... Greenslade: Now, Emery tells Eccles that a third sponning has been traced to the Canadian Rockies. Part four - the Canadian Rockies Orchestra: Woodwind chord, symbol crash Cast: Hoy! Emery: Look, the Canadian Rockies! Cast: Hurray! Emery: Didnít take long Eccles: It didnít hurt Emery: Now letís speak to this typical native of Canada, who happens to be a stranger around here Cyril: Um, hello partner buddy. Um, so ah, what can I do for you? Fx: Spit, object hitting bucket Cyril: Thatís alright that bit wasnít it? Emery: Very nice. We need a guide. Cyril: Here, Iíve got the very fella for you. Um, Chief Wurriguts. Wurriguts: Yim, boom balabuya bomb. Cyril: This man here is a genuine fake Red Indian available for Ray Ellington parts. Wurriguts: My card. Emery: This card is blank. Wurriguts: Me got writing on the back. Emery: Thatís a damn silly place to write, on the back. Wurriguts: Look, me tell you. Chief Wurriguts, MGM child star, expert hunter, trapped? Sends spoke signals, nine words per shilling, sware words extra. Bloodnok: Donít pay it sir, I can do all your swearing at half price. Itís the off season, you know. Eccles: Is this the off season? Bloodnok: Yes. Eccles: Well Iím off then. Emery: Come back at once! Remember here as suspects Eccles: All of us? Emery: Yes. Cyril: Well youíd better head off before it gets dark then, hadnít you? Wurriguts: OK, white men, all ready for the trek? Emery: Right, Iíll get my trek suit on. Fill up the huskies with petrol and harness them to the sherrabang. Forward! Orchestra: Dramatic link Grams: Gail wind, chicken bleats... Bluebottle: Mush, mush! Get up there! Flicks leather-type whip Orchestra: Cracking whip Bluebottle: Aeough, my ear hole! Emery: Bluebottle, tell those dogs to stop doing impressions of chickens Bluebottle: Naughty dogs! Stop them chicken impressions Grams: Chicken bleats stop Wurriguts: Well now, weíll have to travel on foot Emery: Right, Iíll unpack one Wurriguts: But what about your luggage? Me got three wives in suitcase Bloodnok: Carry your bags, sir? Emery: Down Bloodnok! Put evil thoughts behind you Bloodnok: They are behind me, thatís why Iím first in the queue, you know Emery: Military fool Bloodnok: [Laughs] Emery: Oh, now everybody will have to help carry my luggage. Now to find that dreaded spon! Greenslade: Iím sorry to interrupt you, Mr. Emery, but youíve only got thirty seconds left Emery: I canít search Canada for a spon in thirty seconds! Oh no! Greenslade: Very well. Ladies and gentlemen, youíve been listening to an incomplete Goon Show. Goodnight! Orchestra: Start of end theme, but... Greenslade: Alright Wally, whoa hold it. For dissatisfied customers, here is a happy ending: Orchestra: Romantic music Milligan: Cynthia? Cynthia: Yes darling? Milligan: Marry me, Cynthia! Cynthia: Darling, Iíd love to! Grams: Organ playing bridal precession, church bells clanging Orchestra: End theme Greenslade: That was the Goon Show. A BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Dick Emery and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Charles Chilton!