From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Josh Hayes)
Subject: Another script: Six Charlies
organization: University of Washington, Seattle
I obviously have far too much time on my hands, as well as some on my
nose and a bit tucked just behind my knees. I have, therefore,
prepared and transcribed and otherwise turned into english-type
characters the episode titled "Six Charlies in Search of a Author",
Seventh series, 12/26/56. It's a Christmas show with no music, and one
of my favorites; I was surprised to find that no one had yet done the
transcription waltz with it, but there you are, principal
poop. (Whoops, wrong radio show) That is all.
Six Charlies in Search of an Author
Series 7, 12/26/56
Wallace (barely on): The Goon Show.
Harry: Hmm. It's hardly worth your while comin' in, is it Wal?
Wallace: Ahh, my dear Seagoon,
Wallace: There's much more you know.
Omnes: What? What? Is there? Eh?
Wallace: Yes, you see, this week it's Jim Spriggs' immortal book, 'Six
Charlies in Search of an Author'.
Grams: typing noises
Spriggs: Chapter One. Neddy meets Grytpype-Thynne.
Ned: Good heavens! I'm supposed to meet Grytpype-Thynne in Chapter
One! I'd better hurry!
Grams: frantic banging on door, door opens
Grytpype-Thynne: Oh, you must be the charlie I'm supposed to meet in
G-T: What a thrilling start.
Ned: My name is Neddy Seagoon.
G-T: There's one in every family.
Ned: What what what what what what what what bock bock cluck bugock
(goes on doing chicken impression, then stops)
(a few seconds of silence)
G-T: Would you mind facing - would you mind facing west when you do
that, it gets all over me. Now, to whom do I owe the the pleasure of
this nauseating visit?
Ned: The author.
G-T: Of course, of course, you must excuse me, I'm only new in this
Ned: I see. What part do you play?
G-T: I'm a bone specialist.
Ned: What do you want?
Ned: (gulps) I haven't got any bones.
G-T: Nonsense, nonsense, you'd fall down without them. You'd fall DOWN
Ned: You'd fall down without THEM.
G-T: YOU'D fall down without them.
Peter: Take yer choice.
(Ned breaks up)
G-T: I know for a fact that you have a large number of them tucked
Ned: Have you been prying into my family album of X-rays?
G-T: Moriarty, tell him what you found.
Moriarty: Ah, sapristi spon, I will! Mister Seagoon -- quiet please!
we're getting nowhere fast tonight! So a Merry Christmas to you all!
-- Sapristi spon, let me tell you Mister Seagoon, we have a very
compromising X-ray photograph of two sets of bones! Yours - and a
Ned: It's a lie! We're just good friends! Ahem - how much do you want
for that X-ray?
G-T: Ten pounds, Neddy, to be paid in money before Chapter Ten!
Moriarty: Yes! And don't try to slip past us, Neddy, because we have a
armed man in the index!
Ned: Curses! So they're going to catch me by the index! Oh dear
readers, here am I, due to marry the beautiful millionairess, Gladys
Minkwater in Chapter Eight!
Ned: Before then I must get that compromising X-ray photograph back!
Ten pounds they want, eh? (Chuckles) Taxi!
Grams: taxi roaring up
Ned: The nearest pawn shop. Put your foot down and keep your flag up.
Mate: Right, mate.
Grams: taxi up and explosion, rubble falling
Mate: I got it, mate, that's three bob on the clock.
Ned: Right. Here's a pound for your trouble.
Mate: I ain't got no trouble, mate.
Ned: You have now, mate, that pound's a forgery.
Mate: Oooohhww, mate! Ohhww!
Grams: door opens, shop bell tinkles
Henry: Good morning, sir, welcome to Chapter Two.
Ned: Thank you. Now, I should like to pawn myself.
Henry: I'm sorry, we don't take antiques here.
Ned: Have a care, old prune-faced fossil.
Ned: I'm not an antique - look! Here's the date of my birth, stamped on
Henry: OoooOOOOoooh. This is a Welsh birthmark. Go up to the fourth
floor, room three.
Grams: climbing many flights of steps, Ned puffs and groans
Ned: Fourth floor.
Grams: knocking on door, door opens
Henry: What is it, sir?
Ned: I'd like to pawn myself.
Henry: Who sent you up here?
Ned: You did!
Henry: Then you've come to the right man. Get into this lift.
Grams: lift door opens, winch starts up.
Minnie: Going down. Page eighteen. Seventeen, page sixteen, bumble dee
ooooh, fifteen, chapter one, Crun's pawnshop, Seagoon enters and pawns
himself, oh, that's a very small part for me this week (goes off
Henry: Get outside, Min, you naughty....
Ned: We're back where we started. What'd you send me up to the fourth
Henry: To get me.
Ned: To get you? Wait a minute - how did you get up there before me?
Henry: (cackling) I skipped a couple of pages! (cackles some more,
then has an attack)
Ned: I've got a good mind to tell the author.
Henry: No, no, don't do that, he might have me killed off in a later
Ned: Now look, Mister Crun, how much money will you give me on me?
Henry: Well, first I must scrutinize you with an intense scrute. Just
take your clothes off....
Ned: Ow! Ooo! Yow! There!
Henry: Now like under this magnifying glass.
Ned: Ooh! It's cold, isn't it? There - how do I look?
Henry: Ooohh...even bigger! Just stand on these scales, please.
Grams: cables stretching, groaning under immense weight
Henry: Eighteen stone.
Ned: Shall I put the other leg on now?
Henry: As deadweight alone I'll offer you ten pounds, you'll come in
useful for filling in holes.
Henry: You certainly have been! (Cackles off) Did you hear that joke,
Ned: Ten years ago. Now, where's that money?
Henry: There, ten pounds in crisp green farthings.
Ned: Ta. Goodbye!
Henry: No, wait, wait, you can't go 'til someone comes to redeem you.
Ned: (gulps) What?
Henry: Just step into this safe and --
Spriggs: (over typing) Six Charlies in search of an author
folks. Chapter Three, in which I see fit to have the character Neddy
Seagoon still inside Crun's fiendish pawnshop safe.
Ned: Yes, dear readers, inside the safe all was dark. I took out a
book of matches and began to read it. Page one: to ignite match,
detach one and strike it against bottom.
Ned: Whoop! By the light of my burning trousers, I could see that --
Eccles: Put that light out! Put that light out, my good man! Put --
hey! who put that light out? Who put that light out! Shut up Eccles!
Shut up Eccles! Shut up that light out! (gabbles a bit) Haaalloo.
Ned: The idiot stranger was a complete idiot stranger to me. He was
tall and carried a cement sack with an outlet at the base. His legs
were neat and carefully pressed. And on his head he wore a rubber
dinghy with a hand-made cardboard peak.
Eccles: Hallo, Neddy. Have you pawned yourself?
Ned: Yes. I'm pledge number 32. Have you got a pledge number?
Eccles: No. I only pawned my socks.
Ned: Oh. Then why don't you go home?
Eccles: I can't get my boots off.
Spriggs: (over typing) Chapter Four, in which Seagoon has a brilliant
Ned: (over banging on safe door) Mister Crun! Let me out! I have a
Henry: What is it?
Ned: I want to redeem myself.
Henry: Certainly. (door opens) Ten pounds please.
Grams: till, coins
Ned: Now, to buy back that compromising X-ray photograph. Where did I
put that - ten pounds? It's gone! I've been robbed! Where is that photo,
Mister Greenslade, I must know!
Wallace: Well, I hate to peek at the end of the book, but in Chapter
Seven, Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty ship the compromising X-ray
photograph in a plain wrapper, to a art connoisseur in Paris.
Grams: rattling of door
Ned: Major Bloodnok!
Bloodnok: It's a lie! Ohh! Naughty postcards, I've never heard of
them! How dare you come in here and offer me money for those postcards
over there which are not here!
Ned: Major, enough of this needle nardle noo!
Ned: Major, please, for the compromising X-ray photo of myself and the
lady, how much do you want?
Bloodnok: Ten thousand francs.
Ned: (gulps) AhhooooooOOOOooo!
Bloodnok: He's fainted in the direction of down! Doris, darling.
Throat: Yes, darling.
Bloodnok: Help me lift him in the direction of up.
Ned: ooOOOulp. I - I haven't got ten thousand francs.
Bloodnok: Throw him in the direction of out.
Ned: Wait! Wait! I have got ten pounds!
Bloodnok: Put him in the direction of down again. Wait, don't turn
over that page yet - I recognize that wallet. It's young Private
Needle Seagoon, retired, my ex-batman and spon runner, Oooowww!
Wallace: Dear listeners, for the benefit of those of you who don't
know what a 'spon runner' is - neither do I. I just want to know that
you are not alone: Wallace is one of you. And now, Chapter Seven, page
seventy-two. Seagoon does not recognize Major Bloodnok.
Ned: Major Bloodnok! I didn't recognize you in that false room.
Bloodnok: Well I was only wearing it to keep the rain off. I wouldn't
wear it out of doors, of course.
Ned: Of course - let me help you off with it.
(both make groaning effort noises; grams: a couple of thuds)
Bloodnok: Thank you. Good heavens, we're outside, and it's raining in
the direction of down.
Ned: You'd better put your room on in the direction of on.
grams: door opens
Bloodnok: Ah, that's better, it's much warmer with this direction
on. Now Neddy, pull up a chair and sit down.
Ned: I'd rather stand if you don't mind.
Bloodnok: Oh, well, pull up a floor then.
Ned: Major, please, don't joke -- (both start laughing)
Bloodnok: Sorry - I can't help it you know.
Ned: Major, please don't. I must have that compromising X-ray photo.
Bloodnok: [Can't see?] doing it, I'm afraid; it's in that safe and
Grytpype has the key. And there's nothing on this page we can open it
Ned: Well, I'll - I'll write something in. Let's see (typing) 'looking
around the room that Bloodnok was wearing, Neddy's eye lit upon the
following: one eighteen-foot crowbar and one sledgehammer.'
Bloodnok: What a splendid piece of descriptive writing! Now, who's
going to do all the work?
Ned (typing): 'Without hesitation, brave Bloodnok picked up the
crowbar and began to force open the safe.'
grams: metallic clanging
Bloodnok: Oh! Oof! Oh, you cad Edward, making me do all that - give me
that typewriter, would you. (types) 'Neddy, horrified at the sight of
a retired Indian Army major laboring, snatched the crowbar and set to
Ned: (Groans, working noises, clanging goes on again) It's starting to
Spriggs (from off): Hello! Who are you, you two characters? Stop! Stop
Bloodnok: It's a copper.
Spriggs: I'm not a policeman!
Bloodnok: I beg your pardon, madam.
Spriggs: I'm not a policewoman, either!
Bloodnok: I say, you're cutting it rather fine, aren't you?
Ned: The newcomer was a small pair of [?] spectacles, tied to a
writing desk with the drawers open.
Spriggs: Put a curb on your tongue, tongue, tongue - I am Jim Spriggs,
author of this book. I put you in it!
Ned: Right in it!
Bloodnok: Look here, if you're the author, couldn't you have made me a
Bloodnok: I mean, in Chapter Three I met a delightful young lady, but
alas, me fires had gone out.
Spriggs: Do not worry. I've made sure you don't get any older.
Bloodnok: (relieved) Oh!
Spriggs: On the next page you're run over by a steamroller, lad!
Ned: Mister author, I implore you, I've got to get the safe open!
Spriggs: Fear not, little Jim! (sings) Fear not, little Jimmmmm! I
will write you a new character who will assist you: (typing) 'The door
opened, and a virile figure leapt into the center of the room.'
Bluebottle: Hello, capting! Springes into center of room, spring!
Spriggs: Stay a moment, steaming lad. Did I write you in?
Spriggs: It's no good. I shall have to go to the country for a long
grams: door slams shut
Ned: And who are you, little blotchy lad?
Bluebottle: I will show you: moves right, keeping hole in seat of
trousers away from vulgar gaze of audience. Now then, whee whee whee!
Takes off false boots, revealing -- false feet!
Orchestra: cymbal, Spike(?): Hoy!
Ned: So that's who you are!
Bluebottle: Yes! Secret agent Bluebottle, the mastermind behind the
second Finchley wolf cubs!
Ned: Yes - but can you blow open the safe?
Bluebottle: Just you watch me. (blows into mike) No, I cannot blow it
open. Wait a moment - I know what I shall do! I shall insert my
licorice into the keyhole.
Ned: But we need an explosive.
Bluebottle: Licorice IS an explosive.
Ned: No, no - we daren't risk any loud explosions. The author might
Bluebottle: I have got an idea. Electric light bulb lights up above
head. Flash flash, flash it goes! I have got a packet of silent TNT
which I readed about in Black Claw, Emperor of the Universe, in a
boy's mag, costs tuppence with free elastic and cardboard jet
Ned: Silent TNT! Quick, light it little pimply lad, and put it under
the safe. Right! Now light the fuse of the silent TNT!
Grams: fuse lighting sound
Ned: Quick! Everyone out! Let's go!
Omnes: hubbub noises
Grams: running footsteps
Ned: We're still in the room!
Bloodnok: Of course we are, I'm still wearing it.
Ned: Quick! Get this room off!
Grams: doors opening and closing
Omnes: rhubarb, under:
Wallace: Dear listeners, I don't know about you, but I find this all
rather far-fetched. As soon as it's all over, I'm going to tell John
Flowerdew: Oh, you BBC devil, you!
Ned: Bluebottle - how do I know when the silent TNT has exploded?
Bluebottle: Oh, I never thought of that. I suppose that, when you hear
nothing, that's it.
Ned: Can't anybody hear it explode?
Bluebottle: Only idiots.
Grams: Huge explosion
Bluebottle: Did you hear anything, Captain?
Bluebottle: Good. 'Cuz only idiots can hear explosions like that.
Grams: Running footsteps approaching
Eccles: Here! What was that big explosion! It blew me backwards out of
my underpants! I'm back to front now - for Christmas, of course.
Ned: So you heard it too?
Bloodnok: No comment. Help me on with this room and we'll see if it's
safe's blown open.
Grams: door opens
Moriarty: Hands up, you silly fools!
G-T: Yes Neddy, that was only a recording of a silent explosion,
specially written in without the author's knowledge.
Ned: Yeah? Well, two can play at that game!
Moriarty: What do you mean?
Ned: (typing) 'Moriarty's finger squeezed the trigger, but there was
only a hollow - '
Moriarty: Sapristi! He's written in an empty gun for me!
G-T: Never mind. (typing) 'before Seagoon could alter the next line,
Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty were already on the motorboat, speeding
up the Amazon River, with the compromising X-ray photo safely in the
Spriggs: What's going on here, Jim? (sings) Going on heeeere? What are
those men doing sailing up the Amazon river in my book? (sings) don't
you dare change another woooord.
Bloodnok: Hands up, Mister author.
Spriggs: What? Oh, you great big leaping crab, you, don't be a fool!
Drop that typewriter!
Bloodnok: (types) 'The author turned and left the room.'
Spriggs: I don't -
Grams: door slams
Bloodnok: There, that's got rid of him.
Ned: Now what?
Bluebottle: Can I have a go at the typewriter, Captain? (types, very
slowly) 'in a matter of sectonds, blunebottons was at the helm of a
powerful elastic-driven speedboat, chasing the naughty
Grytpype-Thynnes up the Amadon. But suddenly, they was attacked by
Black Claw and his chinese pirates' --
Grams: battle sounds up over speedboat noises
Ned: You blithering idiot! Look what you've written us into! Quick,
swim for the bank.
Bloodnok: Not there, I'm overdrawn.
Eccles: Let me help you out.
Ned: Eccles! How did you get ashore?
Eccles: I walked across on that log.
Ned: That's not a log, that's a crocodile!
Eccles: Ooooo. I wondered why my legs kept getting shorter.
Wallace: Listeners will note that that was a repeat of a joke first
heard on the Goon Show, second series, 1952. Repeated by special
request of the authors. I should like to remind listeners that there
are now only 364 shopping days to Christmas.
Ned: Good heavens! We must hurry!
Ned: Mister Crun! How did you get out here?
Henry: Somebody gave Min a typewriter, and here I am!
Ned: Well, we're completely lost.
Henry: I suspect the listeners are, too.
Ned: We must find our way to Chapter Ten.
Eccles and Bluebottle: We must find our way to Chapter Ten.
Wallace(?): Thank you and good night --
Ned: (giggling) We must find our way to Chapter Ten, that's where
Grytpype's heading for. Come on, and keep your eyes open for a 211A
Eccles: What for?
Ned: It goes right past Brixton jail.
Henry: Why do you want to go right past there?
Ned: Well, I don't want to go IN.
Spriggs: Seagoon! Oh Seagoon!
Ned: It's the author!
Bloodnok: Thank heavens! I say, look here, could you write us in a
good dinner - we're starving, you know.
Spriggs: Don't worry, steaming lads. I've written a happy ending for
you all on the next page, so go on, (sings) turn it oveeerrrr.
Grams: pages turning (or maybe it's just real pages turning)
Grams: wedding bells, wedding march on organ
Minister(?): I now pronounce you Neddy Seagoon and you Gladys
Minkwater man and wife - and leave you to discover which is which.
Ned: Oh, and we lived happily ever after.
Bluebottle (over slow typing): 'But even as Seagoon and his -
malliontaress bride stepped outside, she noticed in the crowd a
certain handsome virile youth: Wolfcap Bluebottle. So she ran over to
his car and...'
Grams: car revving up and away
Ned: Come back! Who gave him that typewriter? You're too young for
that sort of thing!
Bluebottle (off): That's what you think! Yeeheehee!
Orchestra: theme music off
Josh Hayes email@example.com PDGA #9665