The Treasure in the Lake

Originally broadcast on 27 February 1956 

/ . . . / - Parts cut out of Transcription Service 
{ . . . } - Parts in Transcription Service only (these apply only to the songs) 
~~~ - Parts I donít understand
(???) parts I'm not sure of 

GREENSLADE: This is the BBC /Home Service/ 
SECOMBE: Let that be a lesson to you! 
GREENSLADE: Iíll strike you down, sir! 
SECOMBE: /Donít you dare raise your Radio Times to me!/ One false move and Iíll horse-whip you with this 
ECCLES: [Muffled] Put me down! 
SECOMBE: Eccles, you must stop wearing those leather suits 
GREENSLADE: Shut up, both of you! 
ECCLES: Shut up, both of you! 
SECOMBE: Shut . . .  Kindly allow me, please! Kindly allow me to announce The Highly Esteemed . . .  
ORCHESTRA: Short distorted chord interrupts Secombe 
SECOMBE:  . . . Goon Show. You came in too quick there, Mister Conductor. Hmm, hmm, hmm. Close your eyes 
FX: Gunshot 
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Aeiough! 
FX: Thud 
SECOMBE: Get up, man. Get up; stop sulking about that silly little hole in your head. Mister Greenslade, cease framing that copy of The Listener and/ give us the old chat, there. Come along, lamonge (*1) 
GREENSLADE: Ladies and Gentlemon lamonge, presenting the story of . . .  
ORCHESTRA: Timpani Roll 
SCOTSMAN (SELLERS): [Talks with bagpipe music] ĎThe Treasure of Loch Lomondí. It was six hundred years ago that the Spanish treasure galleon, San Itary (*2), sunk in Loch Lomond with great treasure aboard her 
GREENSLADE: So much for the clumsy, heavily-laboured plot. We move now to the clumsy, heavily-laboured hero 
SEAGOON: My name is Neddie MC Seagoon. My story starts one warm day in London; my business partner had just handed me a vital financial report 
WILLIUM: Weíre skint mate! 
SEAGOON: Skint, mate? Well letís try Leicester Square, they like good music there 
WILLIUM: Will you take the solo this time, mate ? 
SEAGOON: Iím not afraid; give me your tin hat. Keep an eye open for coppers, and silver 
SEAGOON & WILLIUM: [ĎSingí] Tweníy tiny fingoí, tweníy tiny toeí, two angel faces, eací wiía turn up noí! 
FX: Coin in mug 
SEAGOON & WILLIUM: Give it here, itís mine, here! Let go of it! 
SEAGOON: That penny is mine! Iím the company director 
WILLIUM: Iíll bring this up at the next board meeting, mate, you see if I don't. After all, it was in my mug it fell in to, mate 
SEAGOON: I donít care, Iím the lead singer. Youíre always moaning 
WILLIUM: No Iím not! I stop when Iím asleep, donít I? Oowa, look out, here come the rozzers, mate 
GRAMS: Whoosh, whoosh 
FX: Door closes 
SEAGOON: Ha, thatís given them the slip. Bolt the door 
FX: Bolt being slid home
WILLIUM: Oooh, it's coming up the stairs, mate 
SEAGOON: Quick, weíll fool him; slide this window under your wig 
GRAMS: Shattering glass 
SEAGOON: There, now help me fold up the walls, [strains over FX] 
FX: Squeaking 
SEAGOON: Thatís better, now get the floor into this sack [strains with Willium] 
FX: Thud 
SEAGOON: Ah, ha ha, he wonít find this house here anymore 
WILLIUM: Mate, the floorís stuck, mate 
SEAGOON: Fool, youíre standing on it 
FX: Sliding object, thud, knock on door 
WILLIUM: Aeoough, heís at the door, mate 
SEAGOON: Hurry, letís put the door up at the ceiling where he canít reach it [strains with Willium] 
FX: A couple of thuds 
SEAGOON: There 
FX: Knock on door 
ADOLPHUS SPRIGGS: [off] I say, you two down there, open up in the name of the knee (???)
SEAGOON: Itís no good, weíre trapped. Put on these master disguises; this lead beard for you, /~hurry, man~/. Now Iíll just put this pear of plastic ears around my waist [strains]. There, now heíll never recognise us. Come in! 
FX: Door opens 
ADOLPHUS SPRIGGS: Neddie Seagoon? 
SEAGOON: [Sadly] Yes 
NORRIS TOOF (SELLERS): Iím Norris Toof of Messers Meal, Thin and Sudder, commissioners for oaths, and small bets placed 
SEAGOON: You should know 
NORRIS TOOF: I have been instructed to inform you that you are next in line to the treasures of Laird McGool. Itís a heritage, sir, worth 10,000 pounds 
SEAGOON: Oh well, Iíll have to inform the Labour Exchange 
NORRIS TOOF: One point, sir, before you do; you must prove to me that you are of Scottish blood 
SEAGOON: Simple, [coughs]. Och aye mon, itís a warm black munich nach un it (moon lit night tonight), Robert the Bruce,Partick Thistle 3, Celtic Rangers (???) nil. PS down with England von hoots (???)
NORRIS TOOF: Proof positive, sir, proof positive 
SEAGOON: Needle nardle McNoo 
NORRIS TOOF: ("This sounds like a mistake" You canít go a word against a [gibberish]) You canít go against the word of a patriot. You must leave for Scotland at once 
SEAGOON: Well how do I get there, mon. Iíve nier siller mon, no silver, man 
NORRIS TOOF: Your dear uncle has provided for the journey. Put these boots on and off you go 
GRAMS: Running footsteps with Seagoon singing "For he'll take the high road and I'll take the low road, and I'll be ..." and speeding up "be in Scotland a-fore yee, ...bonny banks of Loch Lomond"
ORCHESTRA: Scottish-type link (bag pipes) ending messily 
GREENSLADE: At dawn the following year, Ned Seagoon galloped into the great yard of the castle McGool 
FX: Coconut shells galloping and fading in 
SEAGOON: [Over FX] Whoa, proud beauty! 
/ELLINGTON: Welcome to Scotland, white man! Let me help you down off these coconut shells/ 
/SEAGOON: Gad, a member of the black watch! Are you the night porter?/ 
/ELLINGTON: No, no, I am a Gillie/ 
/SEAGOON: Of course, the famous Gillie Porter, hup!/ 
/ORCHESTRA: Ta-daaa chord/ 
/SEAGOON: Thank you, thank you [laughs]. Now, Iíll have you know I am of Finchley blood. Iíve come to claim my treasureís and heritage. I bring with me all the wealth of my London domain/ 
/ELLINGTON: Ah, let me take the honourable princeís brown-paper parcel/ 
/SEAGOON: I ah - I admit I have been travelling light/ 
/ELLINGTON: Too light, you forgot your trousers/ 
/SEAGOON: I didnít forget them, I just came prepared for the kilting season/ 
McGOOL (SELLERS): [Talks with bagpipe music] [Gibberish Scottish for 5 sec.] You must be wee Neddie 
SEAGOON: And you, you must be my uncle, Laird McGool 
McGOOL: [Talks with bagpipe music] Come in lad, you must be cold, you must be cold. Put on this porridge, come in. Come in and warm yourself by this roaring candle 
SEAGOON: Ah, thank you, uncle. Real regal Scotsí hospitality. Tell me, Mc uncle, why have you brought me to Mac Scotland? 
McGOOL: [Talks with bagpipe music] The truth is, Neddie, Iíve no heirs left 
SEAGOON: Iíve gone a bit thin myself [laughs at joke, clears throart] 
McGOOL: [Talks with bagpipe music] Thereís treasure waiting for you, 10,000 pounds. Itís yours, you get it when I die 
SEAGOON: Only when you die? 
McGOOL: [Talks with bagpipe music] Ah yeah 
(pause)
SEAGOON: Howís your health been lately? 
McGOOL: [Talks with bagpipe music] Fine, fine, fine. I've one weakness mind in me chest eh . . .  
SEAGOON: Gad, itís stuffy in here, Iíll open a window 
FX: Window sliding open 
GRAMS: Gale wind, bagpipe music playing at various speeds 
McGOOL: [Over Grams: chokes and coughs] 
GRAMS: Stop 
FX: Window sliding closed 
McGOOL: [Talks with bagpipe music] [chokes more for 2 sec] Oh, you devil, you tried to get rid of me the noo! Now get out or I set the hounds on you 
SEAGOON: No, no, I was only joking . . .  
McGOOL: [Talks with bagpipe music] Rover, see Ďim off, boy, go on 
ECCLES: OK, bow ow ow ow ow wow, bow wow wow wow! 
SEAGOON: Shut up, you Mc idiot, youíre not a dog 
ECCLES: Ssh, donít give me away, ~~~~~ pound and free collar. Bow ow ow ow ow 
SEAGOON: Iím going, I'm going, but you havenít heard the last of me. /Iím on House Wives Choice tomorrow/ 
McGOOL: /Youíre always on House Wives Choice,/ get out! 
FX: Door closes 
SEAGOON: [Off] Bow wow wow 
McGOOL: [Talks with bagpipe music] Good work, Rover, good dog. 
ECCLES: [Dog pants] 
McGOOL: [Talks with bagpipe music] Now of you go to the loch and bring up some more of that treasure from the sunken galley
ECCLES: OK and you listen to Max McGeldray 
McGOOL: Alright, ~~~~~~! 

MAX GELDRAY & ORCHESRTA: /"Iím Beginning to See the Light"/ {"Youíre Driving Me Crazy"} 

GREENSLADE: The Treasure in the Loch, part Mc two 
ORCHESTRA: Scottish-type link ending messily 
GRAMS: Bird calls , howling wind
MORIARTY: Sapristi freezing blue Mc sporrons! Three days weíve stood waist-deep in this ice-bound Loch Lomond. Whatís the idea, ay? 
GRYTPYPE: Donít you like fishing, Moriarty? 
MORIARTY: Fishing? Oiawiawiywiuw type O! We havenít any rods. How do you catch fish like this? 
GRYTPYPE: Well theyíve go to die sometime, we just wait until then 
MORIARTY: /By the great measurements of Sabrina,/ you must be of your nut! 
GRYTPYPE: Ssh! /Frog eater,/ look 
GRAMS - ECCLES: (off)  . . . Bow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow, doa doa doa, my love, wow wow wow wow wow, wow, ~~~~~~~~~~, wow wow wow wow . . .  
MORIARTY: [Over Eccles] Itís a ragged idiot wearing a dog collar 
GRYTPYPE: [Over Eccles] Quick, dive down and put out the fire. We donít want to be spotted 
MORIARTY: [Over Eccles] Too late, Iíve already been spotted 
GRYTPYPE: [Over Eccles] How? 
MORIARTY: [Over Eccles] I had measles 
GRYTPYPE: [Over Eccles] Silence, heavily-oiled French joker. Observe yon dog-type man 
GRAMS: Splash 
MORIARTY: Whatís he dived in for? 
GRYTPYPE: Weíll see when he surfaces 
GRAMS: Water bubbling 
MORIARTY: [Over Grams] Do you think heís trapped on the bottom? 
GRYTPYPE: [Over Grams] No, he wouldíve shouted for help 
GRAMS - ECCLES: Ow, be my love, bow  . . .  
GRYTPYPE: [Over Eccles] See what heís got round his hind leg 
MORIARTY: [Over Eccles] Sapristi, a platinum chandelier with a diamond set of candlabra. Pass the telescope, now hold the jewellers glass on the end. Sapristi, those diamonds are genuine. After him, money moolah, ooooh, money money money ooooyooooyoooyoo . . .  
GRYTPYPE: Silence, reeking garlic wreck. Thereís more diamonds where that comes from at the bottom of the loch 
MORIARTY: But neither of us can swim under water. How do we get down to it? 
GRYTPYPE: Weíll drain the loch. The question is, how? 
SEAGOON: Ahoy there, good fishermen. Are they biting today? 
MORIARTY: Yes, and Iíve been scratching them all night as well 
SEAGOON: Ah well, I must be on my way. It seems as though I must leave for Scotland for I, and take the open road 
ORCHESTRA: Snare drum accompanies Seagoon: 
SEAGOON: [Sings terribly:] 
Iíve got a great big rock for my pillow 
And tuft of grass for my bed. 
I sleep naked by the roadside 
Itís a wonder I'm not dead! 
Walking through the fields of corn, 
Leaning up against a rick of new mown hay. 
The open road, the open road, 
The open road, for meeeeeeeeee! [clears throat] 
GRYTPYPE: You raving idiot, you 
SEAGOON: Thank you. Have you been here long? 
GRYTPYPE: Three hundred years 
MORIARTY: [Whisper] What are you talking about, Grytpype? 
GRYTPYPE: [Whisper] Shut up, shut up. Itís the plan, my plan 
SEAGOON: Youíve been here three hundred years, ay? Ha, ha, they donít give holidays like that anymore. Baaaaaaaaaaaaah! Youíre three hundred years old! 
GRYTPYPE: Yes, it is a shock, I know. Let me explain, you see, my fast disintegrating friend and I have been keen drinkers of the loch waters. You see it has a sort of mysterious properties that rather prolong the lifespan 
SEAGOON: I donít believe this longevity story 
GRYTPYPE: Is that so? See that mountain? Thatís over two thousand years old 
SEAGOON: Really? 
GRYTPYPE: Yes, and itís not full grown either 
SEAGOON: Proof positive [laughs] so thatís why itís bald [laughs]. Well you canít go against the word of a mountain, can you? Oooh dear, friend, what a lucky break. If I drink this lake water, Iím sure to live longer than my uncle Laird McGool and thereby inherit his treasures [laughs] 
GRYTPYPE: Is that so? Well weíll help you, wonít we, Moriarty? Give Neddie a glass of the loch water 
MORIARTY: Here, one shilling 
FX: Cash register ding, then coin falling in 
MORIARTY: Thank you 
GRYTPYPE: Fiendish ~~~~, give the gentleman back that haípenny in the silver paper. This glass of loch water is on the house 
SEAGOON: Thank you, hereís health [three gulps]. Ah, marvellous, Iíll outlive him! 
GRYTPYPE: Of course you will, Neddie. You've put ten years on your life 
MORIARTY: Heíd put ten years on anybodyís life 
GRYTPYPE: Here, Neddie, hereís another 
SEAGOON: Thank you [gulps] 
GRYTPYPE: [Under gulps] Moriarty, this is the Charlie whoís going to drink Loch Lomond for us 
MORIARTY: Of course, then that would reveal the treasure at the bottom. Ohhyhooyhoo, money money money money oooooooo 
SEAGOON: Ah, lovely 
GRYTPYPE: Have another 
SEAGOON: [gulps] 
GRYTPYPE: And again, Neddie 
SEAGOON: [gulps] Thank you, I . . .  [gulps] 
GRYTPYPE: And more 
SEAGOON: [straining gulps] 
GRYTPYPE: Is the level of the loch going down? 
MORIARTY: No, this way it would take years 
GRYTPYPE: Yes. Ah, Neddie, lie down. Good. Now put this end of the hose in your mouth. Moriarty, put the other end in the lake 
MORIARTY: Right 
GRYTPYPE: Now, Neddie, suck away 
SEAGOON: [gulps] 
GRYTPYPE: [over gulps] Good boy, drink as much as you can. Thatís it, itís all free 
MORIARTY: [over gulps] Itís going down! Slowly, mark you, but it is going down 
GRYTPYPE: [over gulps] Yes 
GRAMS: Thunder rumble, rain 
MORIARTY: [over gulps and grams] Ooh, sapristi! What bad luck, itís starting to rain 
GRYTPYPE: [over gulps] Drink faster, Neddie, faster 
SEAGOON: [gulps faster] 
GRYTPYPE: [over gulps] Thereís a charabanc of, ah, pensioners arriving. Drink drink drink 
MORIARTY: [over gulps] Thatís it, thatís it, drink ~~~ water ~~~ 
SEAGOON: [more gulps] 
MORIARTY: [over gulps] Quick, plug his ear, itís leaking 
SEAGOON: Hah, itís no good, I have to stop 
/MORIARTY: What for?/ 
SEAGOON: /Canít you guess?/ Iím feeling faint 
MORIARTY: Faint? Here, have this glass of water 
SEAGOON: Thanks [gulps] 
GRYTPYPE: Now, Neddie, on with the drinking. You want to live longer, donít you? 
SEAGOON: Oh, [gulps]. No more tonight, please. I must get a good nightís sleep! I promise Iíll come back tomorrow, needle nardle McNoo. Iíll be staying over in that old, red lodge. Goodnight 
MORIARTY: Sapristi, tomorrowís too late! We must have that treasure tonight. Our plane leaves for Amsterdam at dawn 
GRYTPYPE: Let me think, I have it. The water for that old red lodge comes from the lake. Letís go and turn all the taps on and fix Ďem so they canít be turned off 
MORIARTY: Right 
GRYTPYPE: Wait! The water for that old red lodge comes from the lake. Letís go and turn all the taps on and fix Ďem so they canít be turned off 
MORIARTY: I heard you the first time 
GRYTPYPE: You donít count, Iím only interested in the listeners. Ssh, Ray Ellington 
MORIARTY: Letís hide 
GRYTPYPE: Yes 

RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET: /"Iíve Changed My Mind a Thousand Times"\"Whoís Sorry Now?"/ {"Hold Him Tight"} 

GREENSLADE: The Treasure of Loch Lomond, part Mc three the noo, arch ay 
ORCHESTRA: Scottish-type link ending messily 
GRAMS: Gush of water 
FX: Hammer hitting metal object 
MINNIE: Naaaaaw 
FX: Hammer hitting metal object 
MINNIE: Naaw. Naaaaaw 
FX: Hammer hitting metal object 
MINNIE: Naaaaaw 
FX: Hammer hitting metal object 
MINNIE: Naaaaaw 
FX: Hammer hitting metal object 
MINNIE: Naaw 
FX: Door opens 
HENRY: Whatís going on in here, Min? Youíre waking all the people in the lodge 
MINNIE: I can not turn this tap off, Henry 
HENRY: Give me the hammer 
FX: Hammer hitting metal object to a fancy rhythm 
HENRY: Min 
MINNIE: Yes, Hen? 
HENRY: I canít turn it off either. I know, I know, hold my saxophone a minute. /just roll up my kilt/ 
/MINNIE: Not too high, Henry/ 
HENRY: Min, have you got the monkey wrench? 
MINNIE: I gave it back to the monkey 
HENRY: We donít wish to know that type joke, Min 
MINNIE: I got it from a very expensive Christmas cracker, buddy 
HENRY: Oh, weíd better do something; the water is up to my sporron. Call a plumber, Min 
MINNIE: Plumber, Min 
FX: Door opens 
SEAGOON: Ah, dear landlord, I heard running water so I came running down. Good heavens, youíre flooded
HENRY: Yes, weíve got a burst pipe 
SEAGOON: Which one of you 
MINNIE: Naughty Neddie! Naughty, naughty, naughty needle nardle noo Neddie. Itís the tap 
SEAGOON: Ah, I see. Let me try, I didnít study astronavigation in the isotopes brew for nothing
, you know [laughs]. 
FX: Hammer hitting metal object, 3x, metal object hitting floor 
SEAGOON: There, thatís got the tap off 
HENRY: The water is still coming out of the pipe 
SEAGOON: What bad luck. Whereís the stop cock? 
HENRY: We donít know Cock 
MINNIE: Ooooooh, look. Thereís something coming out of the burst pipe 
FX: Squeezing, pop 
GRAMS: Pop, splash 
BLUEBOTTLE: Enter Bluebottle through pipe! Thank you, thank you little sausage makers, thank you. /Returns to serious business of acting. Strikes Frank Sinatra, man with golden arm pose. Thinks: Ďere, I like that bit where Kim Novac keeps him warm, eee hee hee!/ 
SEAGOON: Who are you? 
BLUEBOTTLE: Iím Mac Blunebottles, talk of North Finchley. I go through life with a smile and a song, with a smile and a song, life is like . . .  
FX: Thud with metal object 
BLUEBOTTLE:  . . . ~~~~~~, nit, uee. Who threw that porcelain-type sink at me? 
SEAGOON: I did. How dare you come through Mr. Crunís water pipe without knocking? 
BLUEBOTTLE: Iím sorry, it was not my fault, Captain. Do you know that I was swimming in the lake with my first class swimmerís badge pinned to my water wing, when suddenly, ploodgee! I was sucked up into the nasty water pipe. Then there was hours of darkness and writhing agony and finally, splunge, blat, I was squirted out into this bathtub here, but I was not afraid 
SEAGOON: Spoken like a man 
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, I can do impressions, you know. Ooh, I have got a message for you. Major Bloodnok says he wants you all to start building him a boat 
SEAGOON: Why? 
BLUEBOTTLE: Heís drowning in the lake 
FX: Thud with metal object 
BLUEBOTTLE: Eiiiy! Stop clouting me with sink-type sink. I must not be nutted by strangers 
SEAGOON: Wait! 
SEAGOON & BLUEBOTTLE: If this young, cardboard captain ~~~ tale is true, then this pipe is draining the lake and its life prolonging waters 
SEAGOON: Shut up! 
BLUEBOTTLE: Shut up! 
SEAGOON: All this water here must be returned to the lake. Form a bucket chain! 
BLUEBOTTLE: Can I help? 
SEAGOON: No, I must do this alone. A horse and bucket, horse and bucket 
BLUEBOTTLE & MINNIE: [with rhythm] They go together like a . . .  
SEAGOON: Shut up! Gid up, Dobbin, come on, Dobbin 
ECCLES: OK, neeeeeeiiiiigh! 
SEAGOON: Eccles, youíre not a horse, youíre a dog 
ECCLES: I know, but I do impressions 
SEAGOON: Right, gid up there, Dobbin come on, to the lake, Dobbin! 
ECCLES: OK [makes chicken noises] no that isnít a horse. [Makes dog noises] No, thatís a dog. [Makes car noises] No, no, Iíll get it, Iíll get it 
SEAGOON: I canít wait, I must save the lake. Out of my way! 
GRAMS: Horse galloping 
ORCHESTRA: Allegro, dramatic link 
GREENSLADE: So started that epic night of adventure. Back and forth went Seagoon with his bucket, trying to return the water. Meantime, back at the lake: 
GRAMS: Bird calls 
MORIARTY: Itís going down fast 
GRYTPYPE: Good, it wonít be long now 
GREENSLADE: Meantime, back in the bathroom: 
FX: Hammering 
MINNIE: Itís got to the ceiling 
HENRY: Swim, Min swim 
GREENSLADE: Meantime, on the road to the lake: 
GRAMS: Galloping 
SEAGOON: On proud beauty! 
GREENSLADE: Back in the bathroom: 
FX: Hammering 
MINNIE: Good old (???) Neddie, the waterís going down 
GREENSLADE: Back at the lake: 
MORIARTY: Sapritsti, the waterís going up! 
GREENSLADE: On the road to the lake: 
GRAMS: Galloping 
SEAGOON: The waterís going backwards and forwards! 
GREENSLADE: Meantime, in the middle of the lake: 
BLOODNOK: Help, heeeeelp! 
GREENSLADE: Back in the bathroom: 
FX: Hammering 
HENRY: We must stop it rising 
GREENSLADE: Back at the lake: 
MORIARTY: We must stop it rising 
GREENSLADE: Meantime in the steam baths in Edgewell Road: 
THROAT: Cor blimey! 
GREENSLADE: And in the cave Fred: 
GRAMS: Dance music sped up 
MORIARTY: You dance divinely 
GRYTPYPE: Yes, but the waterís reached flood level 
GREENSLADE: Back in the bathroom: 
FX: Hammering 
MINNIE: The waterís reached flood level 
GREENSLADE: Meantime, back in . . .  
BLUEBOTTLE: What about me? 
GRAMS: Long explosion 
BLUEBOTTLE: You rotten swine, you, eeh hee hee! 
GREENSLADE: Meantime, back in the studio I was about to say meantime, back in the castle: 
McGOOL: [Talks with bagpipe music] Youíve been good to me, laddie. For the last eighteen years youíve been salvaging the treasures of the sunken galleon 
ECCLES: Yeah, for the last eighteen years! 
McGOOL: [Talks with bagpipe music] Aye, and now weíve got the lot, 20,000 pounds! 
ECCLES: 20,000 pounds, that money must be worth a fortune 
McGOOL: [Talks with bagpipe music] You know what it means to us both? 
ECCLES: No 
McGOOL: [Talks with bagpipe music] It means that Iím a rich man and youíre a far better swimmer 
GREENSLADE: Meantime, back in the bathroom [silence]. Meantime, back in the lake [silence]. Back on the road to the lake [silence]. Donít some people get discouraged easily, goodnight 
ORCHESTRA: Ta-daa chord 
GREENSLADE: Thank you. And now Mr Adolphus Spriggs, with Rubin Croucher at the piano 
ORCHESTRA: Piano gives intro. Then accompanies Spriggs: 
SPRIGGS: [Sings "Iím Walking Backwards for Christmas:] 
Iím walking backwards for Christmas, 
Across the Irish Sea. 
Iím walking backwards for Christmas, 
Itís the only thing for me. 
Iíve tried walking sideways, 
And walking to the front. 
But people just look at me, 
And say itís a publicity stunt. 
Iím walking backwards for Christmas, 
To prove that I love you! 
ORCHESTRA: End music: "Lucky Strike" 
GREENSLADE: That was The Goon Show, a BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Bruce Campbell, script by Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Pat Dixon! 
ORCHESTRA: Music continues

Notes
*1) I believe that what Secombe says here is a sound joke on the word Lomond. Instead of "Come along" he transposes the sound of the word "Loch" onto the syllable "long" of "along" and hence gets, Come alonglomond. ... Loch Lomond is not generally pronounced with the final 'd'. It is spoken (and sung) as 
Loch Lomon. (Yukka Tukka Indians, Mar '04)

*2) Spanish treasure galleon Sanitary is pronounced San Itary, as a play on words (Spanish names typically starting San as in San Cristobal, or even San Fransisco). (Nautilus, Mar '04)