by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes

Greenslade: This is the BBC Home Service
Lew: Aaaaaach! What's on the telly?
Greenslade: You will find the answer to that question in the Radio Times, price thruppence. Three copper coins, mark you, and by jove, it has become so interesting I would much sooner settle down and read it than listen to the radio any day
Secombe: Didn't you once have a photograph in the Radio Times, Mr. Greenslade?
Greenslade: I did indeed, page 12, March the 14th, 1935, and strangely enough, and strangely enough, I happen to have 4 copies with me now
Secombe: Well take them off and put a shirt on. The nation is standing by to hear you give them the old wireless talking there. The old posh chat there
Greenslade: Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen here is our usual warning to those of a nervous disposition, those without a nervous disposition and those still on the waiting list
Secombe: It's the esteemed Goon highly Show
Orchestra: Fanfare!
Sellers: That was the orchestra under the direction of Wally Stott. Arthur Crube, first trumpet, Mervin Clap, bugle, Hezikiah Pipstraw spoons, Fred Crint, Chinese cymbal, temple blocks and lace table-mats. The stool arranger was Herman Tig. They have agreed, in conjunction with the NUR, to play the theme music of...
Secombe: The Yehti!
Orchestra: Fanfare!
Secombe: Why, it's a catchy tune, is that, you know? Ha Ha! Everybody will be whistling it tomorrow, you know?
Cast: Whistling the Fanfare
Greenslade: Our scene opens in an upright pre-fab on Carshalton Marshes. It's the home of Ned Seagoon, philosopher, scholar, friend and foe, unemployed, wedding cakes a speciality
Seagoon: I love my little home. And I like nothing better than to sit by my own fireside watching television in the next house but one. Yes, there's something to be said for thin walls. And one night in the middle of 'Quite Contrary' - yes it was 'Quite Contrary' - I remember, because I was asleep at the time. Suddenly there was a knock at the door.
Fx: Knocks on paper door, sound of paper ripping
Seagoon: Curse these pre-fabs. Come in!
Fx: Door Opens
Grytpype: I'm sorry, I appear to have put my foot through your door
Seagoon: That's all right, I'll get a bit of plaster
Grytpype: Oh don't worry, I've only bruised my knuckles
Seagoon: I was thinking about the door [laughs to himself, clears throat] If I'd known I was having visitors I wouldn't have given the staff the night off. I doubt if there is a maid left [laughs to himself] Pull up an orange box
Grytpype: May I?
Seagoon: Yes, I'll stand
Grytpype: I've been watching you for some time
Seagoon: Oh, have you?
Grytpype: Yes, not a pretty sight. You are Ned Seagoon, unmarried, no family-ties, British, occupation, er...
Seagoon: I run my own business in the West End
Grytpype: Oh yes, in Oxford Street isn't it?
Seagoon: Yes!
Grytpype: That's right, I bought a balloon off you
Seagoon: Yes you did. As the man perused his notes I looked him up and down. He had a high forehead just above his eyes and an aquiline nose with a couple of nostrils at the bottom. His jacket was so beautifully cut and his trousers were torn as well
Grytpype: Neddie?
Seagoon: He said..
Grytpype:I've been thinking...
Seagoon: He paused.
Grytpype: Neddie?
Seagoon: He repeated
Grytpype: I think you're our man.
Seagoon: Me?
Grytpype: He replied
Seagoon: But I don't understand!
Grytpype: He vouch-safed. Don't you Neddie?
Seagoon: He proclaimed
Grytpype: Then I said...
Seagoon: Are you with us Ned? To which I replied...
Grytpype: Yes! Then I told him my name
Seagoon: I'm Hercules Grytpype-Thynne of the East Acton Geographical Society
Grytpype: He said I said...
Seagoon: He said I said...
Grytpype: Goodnight, and out he went, while I settled down to watch telly in the next house but one.
Seagoon: In order to learn more I went straight to the East Acton Geographical Society. Once there I enquired for Mr. Grytpype-Thynne.
Willium: He's not back yet, he went to lumber some charley in Carsharlton
Seagoon: I live in Carsharlton
Willium: I should go through, charley, the meeting's just starting.
Seagoon: And for the first time I entered inner-sanctum of the East Acton Geographical Society.
Fx: Door Opens
Grams: Crowded meeting sounds.
Society Member: Now, we must have an experienced climber
Society Member: May I suggest Hillary?
Society Member: Yes, that's a good idea, suggest him.
Society Member: What about Hillary?
Society Member: No. Any more suggestions?
Society Member: What about Sir John Hunt?
Society Member: Sir John Hunt? Has he had much climbing experience?
Society Member: He has that. Everest 1953
Society Member: Everest 1 9 5 3, good, I'll phone him later
Seagoon: If I may butt in, Sir, perhaps I'm your man. My name is Ned Seagoon, I'm unmarried, no family ties, British, and I'll go wherever it maybe.
Society Member: Ah, wait, are you by any chance the Monsieur from British Carshalton?
Seagoon: Yes!
Society Member: Yes, this is definitely him. You have been chosen from thousands of charleys to bring back a Yehti, to whit an abominable snowman.
Seagoon: Leave it to me. I'll leave for the Himalayas first thing tomorrow. The mystery that has shrouded this creature shall remain a mystery no longer. [laughs to himself] The annals of history will ring with the fair name of Neddie Seagoon, the man who made possible research of the missing link. Remember the name, gentlemen, Ned Seagoon. [sings] For he's a jolly good fellllllow, and so say all of us!
Fx: Knocking on door.
Seagoon: Yes?
Fx: Door Opens.
Grytpype: You silly twisted boy!
Seagoon: Hello Mr. Thynne, I got here.
Grytpype: Yes. Well now, as you probably would have been told, Yehti tracks were reported last week.
Seagoon: Last week? But Yehti tracks were seen years ago.
Grytpype: In Yorkshire?
Seagoon: Yorkshire? Here in England?
Grytpype: Yes.
Seagoon: Oh that's different, I mean...
Moriarty: Remember, the man who finds the Yehti will be rich.
Seagoon: Then why don't you go?
Grytpype: You see, Seagoon, the Yehti is an unknown quantity, as yeti. Rumour has it that a Yehti has the ability to take possession of your mind.
Seagoon: Possession of my mind?
Grytpype: What have you got to lose?
Seagoon: No no, I'll go! I won't! Yes, you can call me a coward if you like.
Moriarty: We will pay you £50 for one Yehti.
Seagoon: How dare you call me a coward! I leave for Yorkshire at once.
Grams: Whoosh, Door Shuts.
Grytpype and Moriarty: [Singing] April in Paris!
Grytpype: Moriarty?
Moriarty: Yes?
Grytpype: If there's a Yehti on the Yorkshire Moors that charley will bring it back.
Moriarty: And how much is a Yehti worth again?
Grytpype: Priceless, you can't get them you know.
Grytpype and Moriarty: [Singing] April in Paris! Let's have some music! Max Geldray?

Max Geldray 'Mobile'

Greenslade: The Yorkshire Yehti, part two, three days later, or part three, two days later, I really couldn't care less. Ned Seagoon was fighting his way through the terrible blizzard of '55 to Denshaw across the Yorkshire Moors. The drifts were 15 feet high and snow was expected.
Grams: Wind blowing
Seagoon: [Panting] I had to find Long Willie's Croft. This was a house on the lonely moors from which Yehti tracks had first been seen. On and on I stumbled through the inky darkness. First one leg and then the other, which I found was the best way of walking. Then, when all seemed lost I saw a light.
Orchestra: Dramatic crescendo, Harp being strummed.
Seagoon: Yes! Long Willie's Croft. The man who gave me directions at Piccadilly Circus had been dead right.
Fx: Knocking On Door.
Seagoon: Open the door!
Minnie Bannister: Ooooh! It's the Yehti! We'll all be murdered in our beds!
Fx: Knocking On Door.
Seagoon: I'm not a Yehti! I'm Ned Seagoon. I'm a human.
Minnie Bannister: You'll have to prove it, buddy. Put a photograph of yourself through the letterbox.
Seagoon: Where can I get a photo of myself at this time of night?
Minnie Bannister: You can borrow my camera buddy.
Seagoon: Thank you.
Fx: Door knob turning, Doorchain removed, Door Opens and close. Minnie muttering all the while
Minnie Bannister: I'll get the tripod and the black cloth.
Seagoon: I can't take a photo when it's dark. I'll have to wait till morning.
Minnie Bannister: Ah, you'll have to see Henry Crun about that.
Seagoon: Henry Crun?
Minnie Bannister: That's his name.
Seagoon: Oh?
Minnie Bannister: I think he's down in the coal-cellar getting the coal, you know?
Seagoon: Well you can't get the wood, you know?
Minnie Bannister: You can't, ying-tong-iddle-I-pong.
Seagoon: Good!
Minnie Bannister: Good. I'll go and fetch Henry, oh dear dear.
Seagoon: I'll come with you.
Fx: Echoey footsteps.
Seagoon: Steady now.
Minnie Bannister: Hold on to me.
Seagoon: Do you come here often?
Minnie Bannister: Only in the spring
Fx: Door opens and closes.
Seagoon: Oh, I say! Sounds like a large coal cellar.
Minnie Bannister: Yes, it's a mile to the coal-face, you know? Henry? Henry?
Seagoon: Mr. Crun? I say, wouldn't it be better if I struck a match?
Minnie Bannister: Mercy save us, no! The driver wouldn't like it.
Seagoon: The driver?
Grams: Train Whistle,coming closer then passing with a doppler effect.
Minnie Bannister: He's late again tonight.
Seagoon: That was a train!
Minnie Bannister: Yes, it's a busy time just now you know?
Seagoon: [Gulp!] I remembered Mr. Thynne's words.
Grytpype: Take possession of your mind!
Seagoon: Oh no!
Grytpype: Take possession of your mind!
Seagoon: No!
Grytpype: Your mind!
Seagoon: No!
Grytpype: Your mind!
Seagoon: Heeeelp!
Grams: Whoosh!
Seagoon: Ah, in two seconds I was up the stairs again. Was I losing my mind? Was this a trick of the fiendish Yehti?
Henry Crun: Ah, Mr. Seagoon.
Seagoon: Mr. Crun, a train just ran through your cellar.
Henry Crun: A train? My goodness, what time is it?
Seagoon: 12.56
Henry Crun: Ooh quick! Open that door!
Fx: Door Opens.
Grams: Train Whistle, Fast train passes.
Fx: Door slams shut.
Henry Crun: The Mails must go through, you know?
Seagoon: Mr. Crun, Mr. Crun, I must talk to you about the Yehti. Is there a room in the house that trains don't run through?
Henry Crun: Oh yes, in there.
Seagoon: Thank you.
Fx: Door Opened.
Grams: Sheep Baaing loudly.
Seagoon: Mr. Crun? Mr. Crun? I must tell you about the Yehti. It's very important! Mr. Crun? Mr. Crun?
Fx: Door slams shut.
Seagoon: We can't talk in there.
Henry Crun: I don't know who that lot belong to.
Seagoon: Mr. Crun, now about this Yehti.
Henry Crun: Yes, yes, I saw the tracks and... Oh what time is it?
Seagoon: 12.59
Henry Crun: Stand well back! Stand well back!
Fx: Door opens.
Grams: Train pulls up to a stand still.
Henry Crun: Well, good night Mr. Seagoon. Have a pleasant trip
Seagoon: Yes I will, thanks very much. But Mr. Yehti, Mr. Crun about this Yehti, I mean Mr Yehti about this Crun... Mr. Crun?
Grams: Train pulls away.
Seagoon: What's going on here? Why have I been bundled on this train? What's going on?
Bloodnok: I say!
Seagoon: I'm sorry Sir, I didn't see you there!
Bloodnok: I say, are you the ticket inspector?
Seagoon: No.
Bloodnok: Then help me out from under this blasted seat, will you?
Seagoon: There you are, that's it.
Fx: Metal clanging.
Seagoon: There. I'm a tenor, you know?
Bloodnok: The tenor's frame.
Seagoon: Yes. My name is Ned Seagoon
Bloodnok: Ned Seagoon? Well well well, what a coincidence! Seagoon! Yes of course, I remember. Didn't your father have a son?
Seagoon: Oh I never... I never asked him about his private affairs
Bloodnok: Seagoon, of course, of course, yes! I knew your father before you were born.
Seagoon: I didn't.
Bloodnok: I wish you had, things might have been different. And, er, tell me, er, he left you er, all right did he?
Seagoon: Oh yes, I need never want
Bloodnok: Splendid, splendid! Yes, yes lad! You know I always remember the look in your father's eyes when I lent him the money.
Seagoon: What money?
Bloodnok: Oh, laddie, there's no need for you to pay your father's debts, I won't hear of it! I mean, what's £20?
Seagoon: £20?
Bloodnok: Oh don't worry about it lad, it will do in a moment, I'm in no rush.
Seagoon: But I only brought a few pounds with me.
Bloodnok: Well if you insist I accept.
Seagoon: But it isn't really mine to give, this is the reward money for the information regarding the Yehti.
Bloodnok: Murgle me rogers! You couldn't have come to a better man. I used to go to school with a Yehti.
Seagoon: Yes? Good, good. Now tell me, are they tall and shaggy or squat with smooth skin?
Bloodnok: Yes they are.
Seagoon: Oh, and they walk upright like humans and have the powers of telepathy and in actual fact they are the missing link, the step from animals to man in one direction while in another far higher in intelligence and having the ability to possess one's mind.
Bloodnok: Is there any more information I can give you?
Seagoon: Thank you, thank you no. You've given me enough to work on, indeed! Well here's the money and thanks once more. Now, there's just one more question
Bloodnok: Oh?
Seagoon: Where can I find this Yehti?
Bloodnok: Well, before I answer that question I think, um, another couple?
Seagoon: Oh yes, yes. Here you are.
Bloodnok: Thank you.
Seagoon: Now where can I find this Yehti?
Bloodnok: I've no idea.
Seagoon: But I've just given you some money.
Bloodnok: For information regarding the whereabouts of the Yehti you must get off... Here!
Seagoon: Wait!
Fx: Train door opens.
Grams: Train Whistle moving closer.
Seagoon: Aaaaaah!
Grams: Train passes.
Seagoon: I was left in the pitch dark of the Yorkshire Moors. I was just about to run after the train when I felt a hand on my arm.
Eccles: Hallo. Did you hear that, I got the sausages! I got the sausages! I'll tell Bluebottle.
Seagoon: Eccles! What are you doing here?
Eccles: Same as you, waiting for Ray Ellington and his Quartet. That's a good introduction isn't it?

Ray Ellington 'Make Yourself Comfortable' ...segues into... 'Ready, Willing and Able'

Seagoon: Ahh that's better. Now Eccles, will you help me to find this Yehti?
Eccles: How do we find it?
Seagoon: We have to find his tracks first. That shouldn't be difficult, they're about 18 inches long and 10 inches wide.
Eccles: Oh, nearly as big as mine.
Seagoon: We start at once.
Eccles: Mr. Seagoon, can I bring a friend?
Seagoon: Friend? There's only one thing that can befriend Eccles and that is... A Yehti! As casually as I could I asked him. He's not about 12 feet tall with hair all over him, is he?
Bluebottle: No I'm not. Enter Bluebottle with a smile and a song. Stands waist deep in snow, smiles grimly, jabs alpen-stock into snow... Ooh my foot!
Eccles: This is my friend.
Bluebottle: Hello Eccles.
Eccles: Hello Bluebottle.
Bluebottle: Here we are again, this time on the Yorkshire Moors. Thinks, Here we are again, this time on the Yorkshire Moors.
Seagoon: Now listen to me, icicle pants. Are you willing to join us on the search for the Yehti?
Bluebottle: Yes, my Capitan, I will join you. And Eccles will join us too, won't you Eccles? Forward! Moves forward, but feet are frozen to ground. Falls flat on face. Pretends to be examining track.
Seagoon: And so we planned our search for Yehti tracks. After long discussion we decided that the best place to look... was in the snow. Our search commenced.
Bluebottle: I say, Eccles?
Eccles: Yeah?
Bluebottle: How's your little pussycat getting on?
Eccles: Fine, fine! It just had 6 puppies.
Bluebottle: Could I have one, Eccles? I'll feed them and see no one touches them for you. I will treasure it, I will.
Eccles: Okay then, you can have two of them.
Bluebottle: Tee-hee! Two little bow-wows. Do you know what I will call them? I will call them Mick and Pat.
Eccles: Ooh, Mick and Pat! Hi Ho hum! I know a story about Mick and Pat.
Bluebottle: So do I [both laugh]
Seagoon: Eccles, Bluebottle, what's that?
Bluebottle: Well you see, Mick goes to the doctors.
Seagoon: No no, look! Yehti tracks!
Eccles and Bluebottle: Oooh!
Orchestra: Sinister Chord.
Seagoon: Those tracks led us to a disused farm house. The door was closed. It only remained for someone to go in and capture the Yehti.
Eccles and Bluebottle: [Panicking]
Seagoon: No, wait. Don't worry, I'll go. But first, I want you to do something Eccles.
Eccles: Yeah?
Seagoon: Just nip inside and see if the coast is clear.
Eccles: Okay. That's if we all go in together.
Seagoon: Oh, we'll search the house. Leave the door open so we can dash out if need be.
Fx: Door creaks open and slams shut.
Orchestra: Scary Chord.
Seagoon: I said don't close the door.
Eccles: I didn't close it.
Bluebottle: I didn't as well. I don't like this game, I want to go back to London Town and see the pretty shops.
Seagoon: We must try another way out.
Fx: Seagoon rattling the door, which opens.
Grams: Sheep baaing loudly.
Fx: Door slams shut.
Seagoon: Curse it! More sheep.
Eccles: Where?
Seagoon: In that room. Didn't you hear them?
Eccles and Bluebottle: No.
Seagoon: You must have done, listen again.
Fx: Door Opens, long silence.
Eccles: Oh yeah, I can hear them now.
Bluebottle: Yes, so can I, I can really hear them, lots of sheepies.
Fx: Door shuts.
Seagoon: But they weren't there that time. They weren't there, understand? I know, they've moved in to another room. That's it! They must be in here.
Fx: Door Opens.
Grams: Sounds of smashing glass.
Fx: Door shuts.
Seagoon: No, that room's empty as well.
Eccles: Let's try this room here.
Seagoon: Right.
Fx: Door opens.
Seagoon: Whoops! Sorry!
Greenslade: I should think so, too!
Fx: Door Shuts.
Seagoon: Old Greenslade having a bath. Fancy meeting him. It couldn't be! Eccles, you open that door and tell me if I'm seeing things.
Eccles: Okay.
Fx: Door opens.
Grams: Donkey brays, then farts.
Fx: Door slams shut.
Seagoon: Who was that?
Eccles: Fred the Oyster!
Seagoon: Thank Heavens.
Eccles: Look, look, this door, it's marked 'Eccles'.
Seagoon: So it is.
Bluebottle: Ooh you lucky thing Eccles. Your name on the door! Yee-hee! Are you going to go in?
Eccles: Well, um, yeah. Good-bye fellows.
Seagoon: Good luck, laddie.
Fx: Door Opens and closes. Eccles enters.
Eccles: Well... hello girls! Ho-hum! Thank you. Yeah, I'll have a piece of that chicken, yeah. Thank you, thank you, and a bunch of grapes. Yeah... oh girls! Girls, girls! Ooh! It's good to be alive!
Bluebottle: Ooh, I wish I had a door with my name on it like that. Thinks: Eccles is a happy-go-lucky lad.
Seagoon: Bluebottle, look! Bluebottle, this door has your name on it
Bluebottle: Has it?
Seagoon: Yes.
Bluebottle: Oh yes. B L E N ... T M... Blumbintle. Yes, it has. Wipes mouth with shirt tail and prepares to enter for the good things of life. Speaks, Good-bye Mr. Seagoon, I hope that there will be a door for you too. Enters own door.
Fx: Door opens and closes, Bluebottle enters.
Grams: Explosion, rubble and masonry falling.
Greenslade: And there we must leave the Goon Show for another...
Seagoon: No no wait, you can't leave me alone in this house with a Yehti. Help! You can't leave me. Let's have a happy end, Greenslade. Greenslade? Wally?
Greenslade: All right, don't fuss...
Seagoon: Where's the door marked 'Seagoon'? Bluebottle's door, Eccles's door what's this one? [Gulps] 'The Yehti'. What should I do? If I could capture it all my troubles would be over. But how? How can I find a crate big enough? Wait a minute, quick as a flash I had the answer. It was simple, lock the door...
Fx: Key turns in door.
Seagoon: ...and take the room to London. Ha-ha, I've got you! To London!
Orchestra: Travelling link type chord!
Society Member: Gentlemen of the East Acton Geographical Society, it's two weeks now and still no word from Neddie about this Yehti...
Fx: Knocking on door.
Society Member: Come in.
Fx: Door Opens.
Society Member: Well well well, we were just talking about you.
Seagoon: Well, I've got it. A Yehti. Help me to get this room in here.
Society Member: Is the Yehti in there?
Seagoon: Yes, he's in there.
Society Member: Don't bother to bring the room in, we'll come out.
Seagoon: Right. Well, here it is. Now stand well back gentlemen, he may be armed.
Fx: Key turns in lock.
Seagoon: Now when I fling this door open be ready to grab him. Right!
Fx: Door Slams Open.
>Grams: Train whistle!
Seagoon: Aaaaaaah!
Orchestra: End Theme.
Greenslade: That was the Goon Show, a recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the program produced by Peter Eton.
Orchestra: Play Out music

Transcription and HTML by Kurt Adkins: