Series 5, Episode 21, Broadcast 15 February 1955
The Sinking Of Westminster Pier
ORCHESTRA: TA DA!
Wallace: Clear the floor for the East Acton Working Man's Club Crazy
Harry: Act number one is the highly esteemed - Goon Show!
ORCHESTRA: TA DA!
Harry: Now, Mr. Greenslade, put down that Radio Times, cast off that
bamboo kilt and give the listeners the old posh chat there. Do the old
wireless talk, Wal, go on Wal, right up you, Wal
Wallace: Ladies and gentlemen this week, as stated in the Radio Times, we
give you the Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street
Harry: Sorry, Greenslade, we're not doing that, Wallace
Wallace: Oh yes we are
Harry: Not this week, no
Wallace: But we are, you see on page 24 of my Radio Times it states quite
clearly "The Six Ingots Of Leadenhall Street"
Harry: I know, but we changed it, you see
Wallace: But the Radio Times never lies!
Peter: (Announcer) Tonight we give you the story of the port of London
authorities valuable hand-carved oil-painted valuable floating pier
ORCHESTRA: LONE WAILING VIOLIN OVER SPEECH
Peter: (exaggerated narrator / poet )Oooooh, 'twas the month of February in
1955, when the valuable floating pier at Westminster suddenly took a
dive. On board the sinking pier Fred Harding was having his tea, when
the icy waters closed over his head and he screamed - (Violin stops)
Harry: (strained voice, unemotional) Oh deary me!
Peter: (Violin starts again) But 600 Westminster firemen with hook and ladder
and line, worked with tigerish courage sank the whole lot before 9!
GRAMS: BUBBLING OF DROWNING OBJECT
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC DESCENDING CHORDS
FX: 3 HITS OF A JUDICIAL HAMMER
Peter: (Spiv) Attention, Westminster Councillors! Enquiry in to the sinking of
the valuable Westminster Peer on the 7th of Feb 1955 is now in the
old session, there! Chairman Mr. Ned Seagoon - and a right charley he
looks in that cardboard trilby over there!
Neddy: (clears throat) Gentlemen, for the Port of London Authority I must
state the day before the valuable Westminster Pier sank it was
inspected and certified river-worthy
Spike: Who was the man who inspected it?
Peter: (Spiv) It was none other than -
Neddy: I resign!
Peter: Resignation accepted on the grounds of incompetence, anyone else
want the old job, there?
Neddy: I'll take it on
Peter: Right, name?
Neddy: Ned Seagoon
Peter: Same as the last bloke, all right carry on
Neddy: Now did anyone actually see the Pier sink?
Willium: Yes mate, Jim Tula
Neddy: Then why isn't he here?
Willium: He went down with it, mate
Neddy: I see. Right- lunch!
GRAMS: HUNDREDS OF FEET RUNNING OUT OF BUILDING
Peter: Here wait minute! Wait! Wait! Wait a minute! We've got some more
Neddy: Oh, very well. Throat?
Neddy: Postpone lunch
Peter: Next witness!
FX: VERY SLOW FOOTSTEPS GRADUALLY GETTING CLOSER
AND THEN WALKING AWAY, DOOR SLAMS
Neddy: Right, next witness! What? No one else? Right - lunch!
GRAMS: HUNDREDS OF FEET RUNNING OUT OF BUILDING
Eccles: Stop! Hello!
Neddy: Who are you, you ragged idiot?
Eccles: I'm the famous Eccles
Neddy: Famous? I've never heard of you
Eccles: What? You've heard of Clapham Common!?
Eccles: Well you mind what you say
Neddy: What? Now look here let's get down to the important question, what
caused a valuable Westminster Pier to sink?
Willium: As a member of the police, may I make a suggestion, mate?
Neddy: Police? You're not Fagin of the yard
Willium: No, I can't act for toffee, I can't
Neddy: Neither can he. Now, do you suspect sabotage?
Willium: No, he's in the clear
Neddy: Then whom do you suspect?
Willium: Russian frogmen dunnit, mate
Neddy: What is their motive?
Willium: Oo, I don't in to their private affairs, mate, I just accuses 'em, that's
Neddy: Are you sure the Russians did it?
Willium: Well I 'aint, mate, but it looks good on the report sheet, dunnit?
Neddy: Hmmmmm - right, lunch!
GRAMS: HUNDREDS OF FEET RUNNING OUT OF BUILDING,
Wallace: Meantime, on a fish train, travelling from Leeds to Salisbury
MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA
Neddy: For a week we tried to raise the valuable sunken Westminster Pier,
but failed miserably. Then yesterday a professor offered me a service
Henry: Good morning
Neddy: Good morning, sir
Minnie: Good morning, buddy
Neddy: (laughing to himself) Good morning buddy, yes. So you think you can
raise the pier. ey?
Minnie and Henry: Oh yes, yes! We can! We've done it any times!
Neddy: Splendid. Now, what is your profession?
Minnie and Henry: Ooooh!
Minnie: We're Oyster Sexers
Neddy: Oyster sexers?
Minnie: Yes, we can tell the difference, you know?
Neddy: At your age that must be quite a revelation. I'm sorry, but I'm not
interested in oyster sexing
Henry: Ah, but you're not an oyster, are you?
Neddy: Mr. Crun -
Henry: What what hat?
Neddy: If I was an oyster I wouldn't be here. Can't have an oyster as chairman
of the Westminster Pie Salvage Committee can you?
Henry: Why not, ey? Why not? It's a free country isn't it? Why shouldn't an
oyster be chairman?
Neddy: Because an oyster can't talk
Henry: Have you ever spoken to one?
Neddy: Hhhmmmm, no!
Minnie and Henry: Aaaah!
Henry: So you don't know, do you?
Henry: No, no. Now look, we've got an oyster here
Henry: Yes, put it on the desk, there you are Min -
FX: SHELL ON DESK (COCONUT SHELLS)
Henry: There, go on, speak to it!
Neddy: Speak to it? This is absurd, I, I can't -
Minnie: No, go on buddy, yakaboo! Speak to it, speak to it!
Neddy: No, I refuse. I can't -
Henry: Yes you can, try. Then you can find out if it can speak
Neddy: (clears throat) Um..... Good morning! Ha-ha! This is madness! You
Henry: You'll have to speak louder he can't hear you
Neddy: Of course not, the oyster's closed
Henry: Closed? Wednesday! Of course, it's early closing!
Minnie and Henry: Shout loud to it! Shout loud to it!
Neddy: (louder) Good morning, I see that it's early closing for oysters
GRAMS: FRED THE OYSTER: SHELL SCRAPES AS IT TURNS,
CREAKS OPEN, DONKEY EEE-AUGHS TWICE,
RASBERRY, CREAKS SHUT, SHELL CLOSES
Neddy: How dare he do that to me, give me that oyster here! (gulps) There,
that's the last you'll hear of him (belches) Pardon!
Minnie: Oooooh! You naughty man, you've eaten Fred our oyster
Henry: We'll call the police constable!
Neddy: (over their shouts) Get out of here! You can't -
FX: WHILE THE THREE ARGUE DOOR IS TAKEN OFF HINGES,
FADE AWAY, DOOR SLAMMED SHUT
Neddy: Good heavens! Is there no one who can salvage the highly valuable
Westminster Pier? I'd pay anything!
Moriarty: Ooooh! Pardon me, my ami, mon card
Neddy: Thank you, but there's nothing on it!
Moriarty: Look on the other side
Neddy: Oh, that's a silly place to have it printed - on the back! What's this?
"Messrs Fred Moriarty Ltd. - Sunken Westminster Floating Pier
Salvage Expert"? Gad! Just the man we want!
Moriarty: Supristi! You mean the Westminster floating Pier has sunk?
Moriarty: At last - employment! All these years I've waited!
Neddy: Well tell me, how do we raise the pier?
Moriarty: Oh, don't raise the pier!
Neddy: What then?
Moriarty: Lower the river
Neddy: Gad! Genius! Absolute genius! But can you do it?
Moriarty: Supristi yacka-backaras of course I can. My partner, the
Honourable Grytpype-Thynne is the greatest water remover in the
world! Follow me!
GRAMS: WHOOSH! WHOOSH!
FX: KNOCKING ON DOOR
Grytpype-Thynne: Come in!
FX: DOOR OPENS
GRAMS: SWIMMING THROUGH WATER OVER SPEECH
Neddy: I entered a room 4 foot deep in water. Up to his neck in it Grytpype-
Thynne was sitting on a rubber dinghy smoking a Jim-filled Hooker
Grytpype-Thynne: Ah Neddy! Have a glass of water
Neddy: (gulp) Thank you
Grytpype-Thynne: Have another. Drink as much as you can
Grytpype-Thynne: The basement's flooded
Neddy: But I thought you were an expert water remover
Grytpype-Thynne: Oh I am, it's my day off!
Neddy: I see
Grytpype-Thynne: So you want us to lower the level of the Thames?
Grytpype-Thynne: Yes, well that will be 30 bob a day for the hire of the
Grytpype-Thynne: Yes, I always wear them, they don't draw the feet, you
know? I hate having my feet drawn, except by Graham
Sutherland. then for the work, well the work shall we say
10 pounds for every hour pumping?
Neddy: 10 pounds for every hour?
Grytpype-Thynne: I accept! Sign here please And here! And here!
FX: SCRATCHING OF PEN NIB ON PAPER
Grytpype-Thynne: And here! And on this cheque. Now this one. And here!
This small cheque here. Bank guarantee, mortgage, pawn
ticket, here's your insurance policy, just there! This
contract! Indemnity clause here! Watch, chain, thank
you! Now have a glass of water
Neddy: (gulp) Thank you
Grytpype-Thynne: Splendid. I want you to drink as much as you can
Neddy: Why, is it good for me?
Grytpype-Thynne: No, good for my grandmother
Grytpype-Thynne: She's under all this lot. Right, Neddy, we'll be there in the
morning and I take it you'll have the money ready, hmm?
Neddy: Yes. Hurrah! Then tomorrow my name will be famous. Neddy
Seagoon - the man who raised the Westminster sunken floating Pier
and the good old Port of London Authorities flag will fly once more
and the crowd will sing - (singing) For he's a jolly good Seagoon! For
he's a jolly good Seagoon! For he's a jolly good Seeagoooooon and so
say all of us!
Grytpype-Thynne: You silly twisted boy
Neddy: Thank you. Then you'll start pumping out the river tomorrow, ey?
Grytpype-Thynne: Yes, 'til tomorrow then, Neddy
Neddy: A demain!
FX: DOOR SLAMS
Grytpype-Thynne: Moriarty!? We shall make a fortune out of this charley. But
first let us hear Gladys Ellington and her lean Water
MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET "MY LEAN LADY"
Wallace: And now, the Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street part 3, in which Neddy
Seagoon is attacked by a drink crazed Peruvian Trombonist with
rumpled feet and then -
Harry: Wallace, we're not doing that this week
Wallace: But page 24 of my Radio Time says -
Harry: I don't care what your Radio Times says, Wallace, we're not doing it!
Wallace: But the Editor is a friend of mine and the Radio Times never lies!
Harry: I don't care! We're not doing it Wallace (fades out)
Peter: (exaggerated theatrical narrator) Oooooh!
ORCHESTRA: LONE VIOLIN OVER SPEECH
Peter: So Moriarty and Grytpype-Thynne started to pump the river, and as the
weather was very cold sometimes they were both want for to shiver.
They pumped and pumped but the River Thames didn't get any lower,
but this didn't worry Grytpype-Thynne as he was being paid by the
hour. And Oooooh, the pump fiend did pump and roar
GRAMS: HEAVY MACHINERY PUMPING OVER SPEECH
Moriarty: (singing) April in Paris, not in blossom
Grytpype-Thynne: How much does he owe us no, Moriarty?
Moriarty: Er, we've pumped 60,000 gallons - that's 3 Million Pounds
Grytpype-Thynne: Lovely, lovely
Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty: (singing) April in Paris, just not in blossom,
her comes the charley!
Neddy: I say! I say, Grytpype!?
Grytpype-Thynne: Ah Neddy, have a glass of water
Neddy: (gulp) Thanks
Grytpype-Thynne: Every little helps, you know?
Neddy: That's just it. You've been pumping for 8 weeks now and the river
hasn't gone down 1 inch!
Grytpype-Thynne: Well you can't rush these things, laddie. You've come to
pay us the old -
Neddy: yes, yes. Here it is, 3 million pounds
FX: CASH REGISTER
Grytpype-Thynne: Thank you
Neddy: But that's the last of it, you know? Treasury's nearly broke!
Grytpype-Thynne: Nonsense. Have a glass of water
Neddy: (gulp) Thank you. Now listen, if in the next 24 hours the river is still
full of water the government is going to step in
Grytpype-Thynne: Good riddance to them! Now let's see, e have 3 million,
Moriarty (goes off singing "April in Paris")
Neddy: Wait! I say, wait! Where were they pumping all the water to? It wad
then I noticed a long pipe. I followed it, along the Embankment, past
Vauxhall, Chelsea Bridge, Putney Bridge, Barmsbridge, Malt Lake
Brewery - hmm! Malt Lake Brewery!
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED, SLAMS DOOR, LONG PAUSE,
DOOR HANDLE TURNED
Neddy: (drunk, singing) April in Paris, Aaaaaaapri (hiccup)
GRAMS: MAN FALLING IN WATER, SPLASHING IN WATER
Neddy: (distant)Heeeelp! Heeelp! I'm drowning, and I'm with the dreaded
Bloodnok: (over splashing and calls) Thud me ninging nurgelers, is it? Gad,
but no! Where's me old photographs? It's me old bat man Neddy
Seagoon having a swim in mid-February, the naughty man! I say,
Old Seagoon, it's me!
Bloodnok: Me, Major Bloodnok, of the Third Regular Army Deserters. I say,
Seagoon, remember that day in Puna at the Muratari's
Restaurant? Oh she was a boutique biddy, oh yes!
Neddy: I'm drowning!
Bloodnok: Don't interrupt, please. I took her to Grant road and - what?
Drowning, you say? Surely not drowning!
Bloodnok: Not Neddy Seagoon drowning, not my old bat man, not drowning!
Why you were the plunging and trudgeon stroke champion of
Turkey weren't you? Let me see, it must have been 1903 I -
Neddy: (gurgling water) Help me!
Bloodnok: 1904! I remember now. Save you, lad? I can't swim, lad. But wait a
moment, I know a fellow at Hackney who's an excellent
swimmer. I'll go and get him. Lend me the cab fare, lad
Neddy: Get me out!
Bloodnok: What? Give us your hand then
GRAMS: STRUGGLING TO GET MAN OUT OF WATER
Neddy: (closer) Thanks, there's five shillings -
FX: COINS JANGLING
Neddy: Now hurry up and get him before I drown
Bloodnok: Right. No no, wait! You're soaking wet! Laddie, let we wring out
your wallet, and that watch! That gold Hunter, they mustn't be
dropped in water these Hunters you know!? It will get ruined in
that water. Oh you naughty man you! I'll preserve it for you, lad.
Now take off that damp money belt you have on, my goodness
you mustn't have those sort of things. That's right, lad. Now off
with those wet clothes, coat and trousers, vest and underpants,
shoes and - (under breath) Oh we'll flog this lot - Good Heavens
man! What? You can't stand there naked, get back in the water,
Neddy: Right! Hup!
GRAMS: HUGE SPLASH
Neddy: (distant) Heeeeelp!
Bloodnok: I say, wait there, don't go away
GRAMS: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS GOING INTO DISTANCE
Neddy: I never saw him again. I dragged myself ashore on a pipe. A pipe that I
discovered - so this was Grytpype's game, ey? He'd been pumping
water out of the Thames at Westminster and back to the river at Malt
Lake. The crook! That night I decided to revenge myself on Grytpype,
and to destroy the pump for and on the behalf of the Port of London
GRAMS: BIG BEN CHIMES OVER SPEECH
Neddy: (whisper) Shhh! This way! Got the dynamite?
Bluebottle: I have got the dynamite, my Captain. Enter Bluebottle, pauses for
light audience sausanges, thank you! Moves forward under gas
light as done by George Raft in "I am the Law". Thinks: I have
moved under the gas light as done by George Raft in "I am the
Neddy: Shhh! Eccles?
Eccles: Eccles? Oh, that's me!
Neddy: Help little Bluebottle arrange the dynamite
Eccles: Okay. You ready to start, Bluebottle?
Bluebottle: Yes, I'm ready. Pulls out cardboard cut-out sword
Eccles: Ooh! Mind what you're doing!
Bluebottle: Long live the Port of London Authorities. I will not rest until the
forces of evil are swattinged! And the valuable Westminster Pier
is raised! Thinks: I will not rest until the forces of evil -
Neddy: Shut up!
Eccles: Shut up!
Neddy: Shut up Eccles!
Eccles: Shut up Eccles!
Neddy: Come on, get the rest of the dynamite off Ellington's head
Eccles: Come on now!
Ray: Me carry dynamite! Me strong!
Bluebottle: Are you strong Ellington?
Ray: Me strong!
Bluebottle: Ooh! Are you strong, Eccles?
Eccles: No, I 'aint strong, are you?
Bluebottle: No, but Ellington's strong
Eccles: I 'aint strong
Bluebottle: He is!
Ray: Me strong!
Wallace: While our heroes are deciding who is strong we take you now in to
Mr. Seagoon's stomach to hear how the oyster has fared
GRAMS: BUBBLING AND WAILING VOICES
Peter: (wildlife presenter Attenborough) And here along the great Geordinal
Tract of the great Seagoon intestine I see approaching the boiled spuds
he had for breakfast, followed by closely that foul meat-loaf salad he
noshed at the BBC canteen. There's no sign yet of the oyster, but yes!
Here now comes a dirty great dollop of steam duff and three quarts of
mild that he woofed down during the rehearsals. And yes! Here comes
four pounds of mixed chocolate and 8 pints of tea, soup, liquorice
allsorts and lastly the oyster!
GRAMS: PETER CROONING "I'M ONLY A LONELY ROUND
VAGABOND, FOR GOOD NIGHT -", DONKEY EEE-
AUGHS TWICE, MARCH MUSIC AND MARCHING
FOOTSTEPS VERY FAST, ATTACK TRUMPET,
SCREAMS OF BATTLE AND TRUMPETS AND BANGS
Neddy: Now to arrange for a new Westminster floating Pier
Moriarty: Ah, there's no need for that. Look we have a new one already made
Neddy: Good Heavens! By Jupiter! Etcetera Etcetera! And I thought you were
Moriarty: Augh! Listen, you go aboard and examine it at once
Neddy: By Jove, I'll do just that!
Grytpype-Thynne: Have you bored holes in the bottom, Moriarty?
Moriarty: Yes, it will sink in 10 minutes (sings) April in Paris!
Bluebottle: Oh, Captain! I've lit the dynamite under the pump - Oh! Hee-hee!
You're not my captain! You're Moriarty, the forces of Evils!
Moriarty: You're going to blow up our pump? You run right back and put that
Bluebottle: But it's burning!
Moriarty: Get back at once!
Bluebottle: All right!
Bluebottle: (far away) It hasn't burnt down quite yet, so I'll -
GRAMS: BOOM! BRICKS AND METAL BARS HIT GROUND
Bluebottle: You rotten swine, you! I'm fed up with being deaded every week.
Eccles never gets deaded, why doesn't Eccles ever get dead -
Eccles: (distant) Your rotten swine, Bluebottle!
Bluebottle: Tee-hee! That's better! Tee-hee! Exits left, much happier. Picks up
loose bones, shins and spare feet
Neddy: Ah! There you are, Grytpype
Grytpype-Thynne: So I am
Neddy: I must say that this new pier you provided is absolutely perfect. I'll
Grytpype-Thynne: Right, sign here, (FX: PEN SCRATCHING PAPER)
here, this cheque, bank guarantee, credit note, postal
orders, travellers cheques and finally sign this will.
There, good lad! Moriarty?
Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty: One, two, hup -
GRAMS: BIG SPLASH
Neddy: (distant) Heeelp!
Moriarty: Taxi? Gatwick Airport please
GRAMS: WHOOSH WHOOSH!
Neddy: (distant) Heeeelp!
Bloodnok: Thud me cringing nurglers, is it? It can't be! Where's me old
Neddy: (distant) Heeeelp!
Bloodnok: It's my old bat man Neddy Seagoon
Neddy: (distant) Oh no, go away -
Bloodnok: I've got a money belt -
Neddy: Go away! (fades out with the two screaming at each other)
Wallace: Ladies, according to page 24 of my radio Times, you should have
been hearing the Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street, but I fear the
Goons have lied to the Editor and not carried out the intended
story. It's a disgrace- Goodnight!
ORCHESTRA: END THEME TUNE
Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a Recorded programme featuring Peter
Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington
Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally
Stott, script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes, announcer
Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton.
Bloodnok: Gad, it's the old wireless star Greenslade, oh yes!
ORCHESTRA: END THEME TUNE AND PLAY OUT