(5th Series)







No. 20 'Nineteen-Eighty-Five'























Wal: This is the BBC Home Service.

Peter: (echo) Big Brother is watching you.

FX: Gong

Eccles: Ooohh!

Harry: (echo) Listeners, you are warned. This programme is not to be listened to! (laughs maniacally)

Spike: (strangulated noises)

Bluebottle: Eehee. I don't like this game.

Wal: The BBC would like to caution parents. This programme is unsuitable for the very young, the very old, the middle-aged, those just going off, those on the turn, young dogs and Alderman John Snagge.

FX: Gong

Spike: (echo) This is the story of the year nineteen-eighty-five.

OMNES: (moaning, woe, screams)

GRAMS: 'Come Dancing' theme

Neddie: My name is 846 Winston Seagoon. I am a worker in the great news collecting centre, the Big Brother Corporation, or, as you knew it, the BBC. In every room is a TV screen which gives out a stream of orders.

John Snagge (pre-recorded): Attention, people of England state. Thanks to de-rationing and the free market, the price of tea has now gone down to eighty-five guineas a quarter, and here's good news for state housewives. The following goods are now in the shops: plastic and sawdust elephant nightshirts, second-hand concrete parachutes, artificial explodable woollen bloomers, men's self-igniting tailless shirts with anti-thundersheet attachment. There are unlimited supplies in the shops.

Eccles: Ooohh! It's good to be alive, in 1985.

Peter: And now, here is announcer 2839476253245342567789657 stroke 32.

Neddie: Good old Greenslade.

Wal: Special interest to BBC workers. By mixing water with earth, our scientists have invented mud! It's now on sale in the BBC canteen, under the name of Macaroni au Gratin, or coffee.

Neddie: Big fat slob, get off the screen.

GRAMS: Whoosh

Grytpype: Worker Seagoon, did I hear you complaining?

Neddie: (anxious) Oh, heh heh, Vision Master Ronnie Waldman. Heh.

Grytpype: You're not complaining about our BBC TV, are you?

Neddie: Oh oho no, no ...

Grytpype: (quickly) What is the finest TV programme in the world?

Neddie: (quickly) Kaleidoscope.

Grytpype: You are forgiven.

Neddie: (sigh of relief)

Grytpype: As a penance you will put a copy of the Radio Times in your window, and don't forget to watch tonight's programme.

Neddie: Oh yes, 'Ask Son of Pickles'.

Grytpype: Yes. Tonight he hopes to have a one-legged dying Eskimo playing the piano for him. Now everybody face the TV screen, it's time for the 'Hate' half-hour.

Moriarty: Aha. Attention all, coming on the screen now is the man you must all hate. The sworn enemy of the Big Brother Corporation, and this is him.

Peter (Lew): Listen, listen, don't believe them. Listen, BBC workers, rise and overthrow your masters before it's too late. I will lead you against them. Strike now. Revolt!

Neddie: This was Maurice Winnickstein, leader of the ITA

Peter (Lew): Join the Independent Television Army now!

OMNES: Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, nine, ten, out!

Moriarty: Enough! And now here is a special announcement from Big Brother.

GRAMS: Fanfare

John Snagge (pre-recorded): BBC workers, the canteen is now open. Lunch is ready. Doctors are standing by.

GRAMS: Background hubbub of people talking, sound of plates

Neddie: (over) As I sat at my table eating my boiled water, I began to hate Big Brother Corporation.

Eccles: Hello dere, Winston. Here, guess what I found in my dinner?

Neddie: What?

Eccles: A piece of food, ha hum. It's good to be alive in nineteen-eighty-five.

Neddie: Poor producer fool. Still, sixty years with The Huggetts would turn anyone.

Peter (Miss Phnutt): I love you, darling.

Eccles: I love you too!

Peter (Miss Phnutt): Not you, 213 Eccles - you, 846 Winston.

Neddie: You're a woman, aren't you?

Peter (Miss Phnutt): Yes.

Neddie: Thank heaven. You've got to be so careful these days, you know.

Peter (Miss Phnutt): Winston, darling, I've loved you from afar.

Neddie: My favourite distance. but who are you?

Peter (Miss Phnutt): I'm 612 Miss Phnutt. I operate the pornograph machine in the forbidden records department, and I love you ...

Neddie: No. Love is not for us.

Peter (Miss Phnutt): Yes.

Neddie: No. Love is only for the higher income group - John Snagge, Audrey Cameron and ... Paul Fenoulhet.

Peter (Miss Phnutt): Darling, let's take a chance, let's meet somewhere under the moon alone. we can clasp each other to each other and then ... ooohhh.

Eccles: It's good to be alive in nineteen-eighty-five.

Neddie: Shut up, Eccles.

Eccles: Shut up, Eccles.

Neddie: Now darling, where can we meet?

Peter (Miss Phnutt): Somewhere where no-one is listening.

Neddie: I know the very place. Home Service, 8:30 Tuesday night.

Peter (Miss Phnutt): You mean the forbidden Goon sector?

Neddie: Yes. Wait - that belt you're wearing.

Peter (Miss Phnutt): That is the Anti-Sex League belt.

Neddie: (ahem) Well I don't think I'll come.

Peter (Miss Phnutt): Oh, but you too are wearing the Anti-Sex League belt.

Neddie: I was forced to.

Peter (Miss Phnutt): Why?

Neddie: My trousers kept falling down.

Peter (Miss Phnutt): 'Til Tuesday.

FX: Coconut shells, fades

Neddie: There she goes, little fairy. That night in my room, I sat out of range of the TV screen. I loved Phnutt, and I hate Big Brother. I wrote it in my diary: I hate B.B., I hate B.B., I hate B.B., I hate B.B.

FX: Telephone rings, picked up

Neddie: Hello?

Peter (American): (on phone) Hello. Don't tell anybody, but I hate B.B. too.

Neddie: Who are you?

Peter (American): (on phone) Ben Lyon.

Neddie: So there was an underground movement. I must try and find it and do my best to save England from tyranny! I strode into the street. I entered the forbidden Goon section of London. Once there, I went to the notorious Goon public house, the Grosvenor.

FX: Door opens

GRAMS: Bar-room chaos, fighting, singing

Bloodnok: (over) Silence! Silence! Silence, please! Silence for the cabaret. I have pleasure in presenting those glamorous grandmothers, the three Beverley Sisters.

FX: Pistol shot

Bloodnok: Correction, the Beverley Twins.

FX: Pistol shot

Bloodnok: Miss Beverley will sing ...

FX: Pistol shot

Bloodnok: Everybody dance!

GRAMS: Piano playing old 1900s rag, background noise of crowd

Neddie: To think, this used to be The Palm Court. I looked around the bar. They were dressed in cloth caps, corduroy trousers, rough lumberjack shirts, bald heads and beards - and some of the men were dressed the same.

Bluebottle: Eehee.

Neddie: I'm sorry, I didn't see you.

Bluebottle: Fear not, you did not hurt me. Enter Bluebottle, the toast of the Goon sector! No sausages. Eeheehee. Thank you fellow Goons for the sausinges applause.

Neddie: What's that plain wrapper book you're reading?

Bluebottle: Eehee. This is a naughty little bookule. Listen to this: 'In the darkness' ... ehee ... 'she felt his hot breath on her bedrail' ... (heavy, noisy breathing and slurping) ... 'then a warm hand fell on her marble washstand' ...

Neddie: Stop! Stop that! Give me that book at once!

Bluebottle: Why?

Neddie: I want to read it. What's it called?

Bluebottle: Mrs. Dale's Real Diary.

Neddie: Mrs. Dale's ... Heavens, would the BBC stop at nothing? So this is how they kept the masses from thinking.

Bluebottle: Eeheehee. Look at this page. Eeheehee er, er ... it's a 3D picture of Mrs. Dale in her nightshirt, being chased by Richard Dimbleby. Eeheeheeheehee. (drools) Pauses to wipe drool off chin.

Neddie: I had to go outside. I couldn't bear to watch these poor Goons wallow in misery. It was then I wandered into an antique shop.

FX: Door opens, bell rings

Henry: (sings) I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts. There ...

Neddie: Good evening. Do you mind if I take a gander 'round the shop?

Henry: Not as long as it's house-trained. (sings) There they are a-standing in a row ...

Neddie: I say, what's ... what's this old object?

Henry: Er ... it's beautiful, isn't it?

Neddie: Yes.

Henry: it's called a cricket bat.

Neddie: Ooohh yes. Didn't they have Test Matches, way back?

Henry: Yes, that's quite right. Er, matter of fact, this bat was used in the very last Test, by an English opening bat. You can see it's quite unmarked.

Neddie: Old man, tell me, what was it like back in 1955?

Henry: Well, well, we had sports and games, coloured movies, Monkhouse, Gilbert Harding. Oh, it was terrible.

FX: Door opens, bell rings

Peter (Miss Phnutt): Hello dearest.

Neddie: Darling, I love you.

Eccles: I love you too.

Neddie: Shut up.

Eccles: Shut up. Shut up. Oh.

Peter (Miss Phnutt): We were looking in the window for antiques, and we saw you.

Neddie: (ahem) We mustn't be seen together. Quick, into this room.

FX: Door opens, door closes

Peter (Miss Phnutt): Darling, alone at last.

Neddie: Dearest Phnutt, let me kiss you, and ...

Eccles: Oh here, don't start yet. I'll go and get a chair.

Neddie: Eccles, you go outside and keep watch.

Eccles: I can watch better in here.

Neddie: Eccles! There's the door.

FX: Door closes

Neddie: Ah now, dearest, alone at last.

Eccles: Yup, alone at last.

Neddie: Eccles!

FX: Door opens

Neddie: Get out, or I'll ...

FX: Door closes

Eccles: Huh. Tellin' me to get out like dat, huh, see if I care, I don't care, slammin' the door like that on me, they can stand there all night for all I care. I don't care, I don't care at all, I don't care, I ... I don't mind, I ... I'll wait ... I'll wait here 'till they've finished, I don't mind. I ...

Neddie: Will you stop muttering and get out!

Eccles: Okay.

FX: Door closes

Eccles: Ooohh!

Bluebottle: Eeheehee.

Eccles: Bluebottle.

Bluebottle: Eccules.

Eccles: You were lookin' through the keyhole.

Bluebottle: Yes, I was. (both laugh)

Eccles: Ooh, you know, that's naughty, that's naughty to look through the keyhole, very naughty to look through the keyhole, ahah.

Bluebottle: well, stop looking through it when you're talking to me, then.

Eccles: Oh. Well, I'm only lookin' because I ain't never seen a feller kiss a girl.

Bluebottle: Haven't you, Eccles?

Eccles: No. No. Here, have you ever kissed a girl?

Bluebottle: Eeheehee. No, I'm not going to tell you.

Eccles: Oohh, come on, come on, I ... I won't tell anybody.

Bluebotle: No, I'm not going to say.

Eccles: Come on.

Bluebottle: I'm a man of mystery.

Eccles: Come on, you're ... you're my friend. Come on, have you ever kissed a girl?

Bluebottle: What?

Eccles: Have you ever kissed a girl?

Bluebottle: Eeheeheeheehee. Yes! (long exchange of both laughing)

Eccles: Oohh. Oohh. It's good to be alive. Oohh Bluebottle, you've lived, you've lived.

Bluebottle: Yes, I'm a happy-go-lucky man, that's what I am. Thinks: I'm a happy-go-lucky man.

Eccles: Oohh yeah, he thinks he's a happy-go-lucky man.

FX: Door opens

Neddie: What's all this noise about?

Eccles: Oh.

Neddie: You. What do you want?

Bluebottle: I've got a messinge for you. If you want to join the ITA, report at once to number ten, Aryewsertin' Street.

Neddie: Aryewsertin'?

Bluebottle: Positive.

Neddie: Right. Let's go.

GRAMS: Whoosh, four times

Neddie: (out of breath) Here we are. ITA Headquarters. Number ten.

FX: Door opens

Grytpype: Winston, I've been expecting you.

Neddie: Vision Master Waldman of the BBC. What are you doing?

Grytpype: Don't be frightened. I am one of the ITA.

Neddie: I had a feeling you were. I knew it by the little things, the way you smiled at me across the room, the way you touched my hair when you passd my chair. (sings shrilly) Little things mean a lot!

Grytpype: You silly twisted boy, you. Now then, you er ... want to join the ITA?

Neddie: Yes.

Grytpype: Oh well, what do you know about television?

Neddie: I had three years at the BBC staff training college.

Grytpype: What did you learn?

Neddie: Nothing.

Grytpype: Good. We'll make you a director. Now say after me, down with the BBC.

Neddie: Down with the BBC.

Grytpype: Drink!

FX: Clink of glasses, smash

Neddie: We drank, and smashed our glasses in the fireplace. I had to borrow a spare pair to find my way home.

Moriarty: Attention.Everyone face the TV screen. Attention 846 WInston Seagoon. You are under arrest for conspiring with ITA. You will wait for attention by thestudio attendants. You will then be prepared for agonising death!

Neddie: Had they suspected me?

Moriarty: you will be taken to Room 101.

Neddie: (panic) No! Not 101! Not the listening room! Ahhh!

Wal: (over) I would just like to mention that the Radio Times is now on sale at all better class bookstalls, price threepence, and jolly good value for money it is, too!

Neddie: Ohh! No, let me go! Oh ooh! Why are they strapping me to this box? Why these earphones?

Grytpype: Hello, Winston laddie.

Neddie: Ah. Vision Master Waldman, so ... so they got you too.

Grytpype: Yes, they got me a long time ago. I even remember the date - Monday Night at Eight. Now Winston, we must torture you.

Neddie: You ... you traitor! You deceived me.

Grytpype: Yes, yes. Of course, you can save yourself.

Neddie: How?

Grytpype: Just sign this three-year BBC contract.

Neddie: What if I refuse?

Grytpype: You have no option.

Neddie: A BBC contract with no option? Impossible. Oho. What's beome of my beloved? What have you done to Miss Phnutt?

Grytpype: Phnutt will never walk the streets again.

Neddie: Why not?

Grytpype: She's bought a scooter. Now, are you going to sign?

Neddie: no.

Grytpype: Greenslade, turn the know to 247 metres.

FX: Switch

GRAMS: Opening harp theme, speeded up intro to soapy serial

Neddie : (over) No, no no, stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it, I can't stand it! oho. I can't stand it!

Grytpype: Are you going to sign, Winston?

Neddie: No. No. I won't sign.

Grytpype: Greenslade, 330 metres.

GRAMS: Opening to Life With The Lyons, speeded up intro

Neddie: (over) No! Ah! Stop, oh stop! Oh! Stop! (stops) You fiend, to let me hear that.

Grytpype: Sign!

Neddie: No!

Grytpype: Greenslade ...

GRAMS: Opening to singalong show, speeded up

Neddie: (over) No! No! Not that! No! Stop! Stop!

Grytpype: I warn you, Winston, here we can change people into somebody else. You know Eccles?

Neddie: Yes.

Grytpype: He used to be Issy Bonn.

Neddie: Youu're lying.

Grytpype: Really? (calls) Greenslade, Call Barbara Kelly.

Wal: (calls) Miss Kelly!

Ray: Yes, you callin' me, Ronnie?

Grytpype: Ah, Barbara dear, what's your line?

Ray: Coloured television.

Grytpype: Thank you dear. Back on the old flying wire.

Neddie: You fiend. Poor Barbara Kelly.

Grytpype: On the contrary, we think it's a great improvement.

Neddie: it must be terrible at Bedtime With Braden.

Gytpype: Well, it gets dark early in Canada, you know.

Neddie: So the awful torture went on. In three days I lost ten stone. My weight went down to a mere twenty stone. I looked so old and so ill Wilfred Pickles demanded me for his TV programme. Then the torture started again.

GRAMS: Harry Secombe record of opera solo piece

Neddie: (over) Stop! No, stop! Stop! You can't do this to me! this is agony! Stop! Stop! Stop that voice! Stop it! Stop it! Whose is it?

Grytpype: Yours!

Neddie: More! More! Bravo! More! More! More! More! More! Let's have the fat feller back! More! More!

Grytpype: Moriarty, take over. I'm going to Jim Davidson's for a saxophone lesson.

Moriarty: Very good. Little torturer ...

FX: Door opens

Bluebottle: Enter torturer Bluebottle, with junior cardboard cutout torture kit.

Moriarty: Listen, lurgi-ridden nyucko, prepare the screaming agony rack.

Bluebottle: Oh, goody. Thinks: Perhaps 1985's going to be a good year for Blunebutton. Starts to get agony set ready.

Neddie: No, Bluebottle, don't do it. Remember me? (anxious laugh) Your old pal, Neddie Seagoon. (anxious laugh) Your friend. Remember me?

Bluebottle: Yes. My friend.

Neddie: Yes, yes.

Bluebottle: You're the one who deads me every week, i'nt you?

Neddie: (gulp)

Bluebottle: Eeheeheehee. Thinks: I know the very thing for him. prepares dirty big pile of of the dreaded dynamite. Yeeheehee. I like this game now, I do. This is a good game, I like it.

Neddie: (amxious) Bluebottle. Bluebottle. Please stop!

Bluebottle: There. All is ready for the dreaded deading of traitor Sea-june. Ladies and gentlemen, ying tong iddin splong ding, I want you to witness dat for the first time-lings in de history of de Goon Shows, Blunebottins will not be deaded. Observe. I light a hundred-foot fuse, so! Now, to escape. (calls) Taxi! To de airport!

GRAMS: Car drives off

Bluebottle: Stop! Aeroplane, drive me to Australia!

GRAMS: Plane takes off

Bluebottle: Stop! Horse, drive to the desert!

FX: Coconut shells for horse galloping, fades

Bluebottle: Ladies and gentlemen, observe. I am now ten thousand miles away from the dreaded dynamite. Here, I am quite safe, in de middle of de Woomera Desert. Ooh! What is dis ... ?

GRAMS: Atomic explosion, pieces falling

Bluebottle: You rotten swines you! Ohoohoo. Oho. Ohoho. Exits left, never to play this rotten game again. Never, never. Thinks: All tight then, next week. Oh, look at my knees - they've gone! Ohoohoo!

Neddie: Meantime, back in the BBC torture room, I struggled to free myself before the dynamite exploded.

FX: Door opens

Bloodnok: Don't worry, Seagoon.

Neddie: Bloodnok! Eccles!

Bloodnok: Quick, untie him.

Eccles: Okay - I'd better hurry before the ...

GRAMS: Explosion

Eccles: That's got his legs free.

Neddie: Yes, but where are they?

Peter (Lew): Attention! Attention! Face the TV screen!

Neddie: Look! It's Maurice Winnickstein!

Peter (Lew): Listen, listen, great news. :Listen, listen, after a telephone conversation lasting three days, and bribes worth ten quid, I have gained control of the BBC.

Neddie: Hooray! Freedom at last!

Peter (Lew): And here is the first of our ITA commercial programmes.

GRAMS: Opening theme to Rays' A Laugh, speeded up

Neddie: (over) No! I can't stand it!

GRAMS: Speeded up chant of 'hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, nine, ten, out!'


Wal (over) That was The Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The Orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes. Announce: Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton.