Under Two Floorboards

First broadcast on January 25, 1955

Script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes
Produced by Peter Eton
Announced by Wallace Greenslade
Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott


Wallace: This is the BBC Home Service
Peter: Is there no relief?
Wallace: Listeners, this is smiling Wallace Greenslade speaking to you. Here is good news: from time to time in the next half hour I will be appearing - hope you like me, kids! If, however, you are determined to hear the rest of it get well soon
Harry: You over-paid word strangler, you! Ladies and gentlemen, he was about to apologise for the highly esteemed Goon Show
ORCHESTRA: FLUTE AND HARP CALM AND FLOWING DUET LINK
Wallace: High Towers with its great ivy-covered windows, relieved by mundane walls. This was the ancestral home of Lady Seagoon - 1 butler, 2 cooks, 3 maids, 6 gardeners, 8 horses, 14 cows, 7 pigs and Ned Seagoon
Neddy: Yes, I am the honourable Neddy Seagoon, eldest son. We'd all been to the university, I took law while my brothers took medicine
Eccles: We were ill! Ha-ha! (singing) I'm only a smiling -
Neddy: Shut up Eccles!
Eccles: Well i wasn't in it last week
Neddy: I know you weren't. Well, it was the year 1908, we'd just come from Baylial School, Cambridge. Oh, it was pleasant to be home and I walked around the even lawn pausing only to smooth down the places my brother had buried a bone. Then I noticed my uncle Grytpype- Thynne. He was idly climbing out of a hammock which hung easily between my two brothers
Grytpype: Ah, nephew Neddy! Looking forward to the ball tonight?
Neddy: Oh yes, sir!
Grytpype: Good
Neddy: My mother will be wearing the Blue Shower Necklace worth a King's ransom, been in the family 300 years
Grytpype: She's kept remarkably well
Neddy: No, no, no, the Blue Shower
Grytpype: Yes. Neddy I have a little present for you
Neddy: Oh thank you, uncle, you're always giving me presents. First a christening mug and now this!
Grytpype: It's a book
Neddy: A book! Oh yes, I've seen one of these before. Wait, I think I've read this, what's it called? 10 and 6 net? Yes, I've read this, I've read the sequel too, 12 and 6 net
Grytpype: I wonder if it would be wiser to draw pictures for him. It's called "Beau Geste" Neddy
Neddy: Lovely, I'll read it tomorrow
Grytpype: No, no, you must read it all before the ball tonight. Oh, and here's a bookmark
Neddy: I say, that's rather novel, it's a single ticket to Marseilles
Grytpype: Well done. I say, you're quite sure your mother is wearing the Blue Shower tonight?
Neddy: Of course
Grytpype: Read
Neddy: "Beau Geste", what a wonderful book. During the next five minutes I read it again and again. On the last page was a note from uncle, it read "Pass it on to your brothers, I've given them both bookmarks". What a kind man uncle was, I passed it on
Eccles: Oh look! Look what Neddy's given us
Bluebottle: Tee-hee! Let's put some wheels on it, then we can pull it round. So enters honourable Bluebottle, the third son. I like this rich game. Thinks: I'm a happy-go-lucky-lad! Signals butler to wipe my nose
Neddy: Dear brothers, that thing there is a book
Bluebottle: Go on, read it to little Bluebottle, Eccles. I like it when you read to me, you know that? Sits in listening pose so as not to miss dinner gong
Eccles: Right, let me see, it's called "Beau Gost", er "Beau Goste" - shall I draw a pussycat?
Bluebottle: No go on, read it Eccles, it was just getting interesting
Eccles: Yeah, well it starts off -
Bluebottle: What does it say?
Eccles: (struggling over each word) "Once upon a ti - tim-
Bluebottle: Time!
Eccles: Time! That's it, I knew it was a W
Neddy: Enjoying it?
Eccles: Yeah, it's a funny book, ha ha!
Bluebottle: Yeah, it's a funny book, hee-hee!
Eccles: It's a really funny book, ha-ha-ha!
Neddy: Perhaps I read it wrongly. After all, both my brothers held university degrees. Do you mind if I listen while you read?
Eccles: Well okay, yeah! Um, let's see now: "Then the big giant walked over the hill with a big club in each hand"
Neddy: Where's that?
Eccles: There!
Neddy: There? It says "The garden was bathed in the cold light of the august moon"
Eccles: Shall I draw a pussycat?
Bluebottle: Tee-hee!
Neddy: Then I'll read it for you
Neddy: "Once upon a time there were three brothers - (speeds up to gibberish)
ORCHESTRA: MYSTIC HARP CHORDS LINK
Everyone: crowd noises over speech
Grytpype: Ah, nephew Neddy, enjoying the ball?
Neddy: Immensely, I've danced every dance
Grytpype: Oh, who's the lucky girl?
Neddy: I don't bother with them, I'm much better on my own
Grytpype: Charming. by the way, did you red "Beau Geste"?
Neddy: Oh yes, about the three brothers who having come back from Baylial School attended a ball where their mother's diamond was stolen and rather than sneaking on each other joined the foreign legion
Grytpype: Right load of charlies - I mean noble lads!
Neddy: You know, uncle, that's the sort of thing I'd do. Honouris Temperal Gratis, up the school, last man in and ten runs to get (sings) Boots, boots, boots, boots, tramping over Africa! There's no discharge in the worldddd!
Grytpype: You silly twisted boy, you! By the way have you got the ticket to Marsei - I mean the bookmark?
Neddy: Yes
Ray: (shouting) Neddy!
Neddy: Yes, mother?
Ray: Come in to my room!
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED, DOOR OPENED AND SLAMMED
Ray: Okay, which one of you three layabouts has it?
Spike: He was alright at the audition
Ray: The Blue Shower Necklace has been pinched!
Neddy: Just like the book!
Eccles: Oh, has that been pinched too?
Ray: If that necklace hasn't been returned by tomorrow I'll send for the po-lice
Neddy: At the mention of the police we all went white
Ray: Get me a mirror!
Neddy: Listen, mother -
Ray: I don't want to know, come on off you go to your rooms, you've got until tomorrow
GRAMS: THREE WHOOSHES IN QUICK SUCCESSION, THREE DOORS SLAMMED IN QUICK SUCCESSION
Grytpype: To think that the Blue Shower has cost me only 10 and 6 net, oh yes and 3 novel bookmarks. So far so good. (singing) I'm only a strolling vagabond, so good - (talking) Ah, here we are, Neddy's room!
FX: THREE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR
Grytpype: Oh Neddy, it's your rich uncle
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND OPENS DOOR
Grytpype: Ned - Oh splendid, lad! He's gone and a farewell note to his mother, how charming
Spike: The devilish cunning of it all!
Grytpype: And that isn't all. Geldray, play Neddy's journey to Marseilles
MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA
GRAMS: MARCH MUSIC AND MARCHING SPED UP, MILITARY TRUMPET TUNES SPED UP (ADVANCE AND RETREAT) OVER SCREAMS
Neddy: Stop! (stops immediately) I haven't joined yet! It had been a pleasant journey in a first-class railway coach marked H-Verks 40-ons and one Charley. And now here I was in the legion recruiting centre at Marseilles. I was just reading the second wall when the door opened
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND DOOR OPENS
Major: Oooh! Moulin Rouge, Foli Bijou and other naughty French words. So you want to join the legion, ey?
Neddy: I gazed at the legion officer, his skin was burnt fiery red by the hot Algerian brandy. On his breast was a coloured ribbon on which dangled a penny
Major: We can't all have medals, you know. Now, my lad, a few questions: Name?
Neddy: Ned Seagoon
Major: Ned S E A G O O O O doubleO N
Neddy: Oui, mon capitain
Major: Oh, you're German!
Neddy: No, I'm a true Britisher
Major: Well that's a novelty. You speak French?
Neddy: Oui, mon capitain je parle francais dans le legion
Major: Well you'll just have to learn it, same as I did. now for the jackpot question: have you any money or valuables on you?
Neddy: About 5
Major: Oh, there'll be joy-bells in the NAAFI tonight! Hand it over
Neddy: But, I mean, look here -
Major: It will be returned to you on your demob. Off you go, first door on the left
Neddy: This door?
Major: That's the one
Neddy: Thank you
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND DOOR OPENS
GRAMS: MILITARY TRUMPET TUNES SPED UP (ADVANCE AND RETREAT) OVER SCREAMS
Wallace: Listeners may like to know how one can walk through a door in Marseilles and appear in the thick of a battle in Africa. We're not giving all our secrets away, by Jove we're not
GRAMS: MILITARY TRUMPET TUNES SPED UP (ADVANCE AND RETREAT) OVER SCREAMS
Moriarty: Silence! Legion will fall in!
Everyone: disgruntled asides
Moriarty: Silence! Sacre-bleu sapristi-knuckle! You there! You with the size 53 nut count off! March!
FX: ONE MAN MARCHING AND SHOUTING AS HE GOES
Moriarty: Silence! slope umbrellas!
FX: SOUND OF LONG OBJECT BEING SLANTED OVER SHOULDER
Neddy: So this was the famous legion. I drew myself to my full height and stared dead-ahead at his belt
Moriarty: Tell me, my petit frog, can you march?
Neddy: only with my feet
Moriarty: Good! It's only twenty miles back to the fort. I hope, for your sake, you will be able to keep up with us
Neddy: Oui, mon capitain. Keep up with him, indeed! Ha-ha! Little did he know that I was a Britisher
Moriarty: (in distance) Legion, by the left, quick march!
GRAMS: MARCH MUSIC AND MARCHING SPED UP
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC SLOW TUNE, AS IN "LAWRENCE OF ARABIA" ONE MAN PLOUGHING THROUGH THE SANDS OF THE DESERT ALONE AND LOST
Neddy: Alone in the African desert without a compass or a guide. However, by carefully noting the position of the sun I could tell it was still daytime. But this heat was hot. I unbuttoned my overcoat and just as I was about to call "water" I saw two people approaching
Henry: Dear dear
Minnie: Dear dear, I told you, Henry, the tide was out
Henry: We're not going back home without having a paddle
Minnie: Listen, Henry, the man will want another thruppence for this, buddy
Neddy: Excuse me -
Minnie: I don't want a donkey ride
Neddy: I don't intend to give you one
Henry: Young man, can you tell us where the sea is?
Neddy: I'm afraid not
Henry: And you call yourself a lifeguard?
Neddy: I'm not a lifeguard, I'm a legionnaire, but I've lost the fort
Henry: Where did you have it last? I asked him when he had it last, Minnie
Minnie: I thought he was a donkey man
Henry: Well no
Minnie: You can't get the donkeys
Minnie and Henry: take turns at saying "No you can't" for several minutes
Neddy: I'm sorry to butt in, but I have to find the fort. I'm a legionnaire, you know. The crack fighting force, let them all come, ils ne passeront pas Ha-ha! (sings French anthem as he goes into the distance)
Minnie: I wonder if that young man could help us
Henry: How, Min?
Minnie: To find Ned Seagoon
Henry: We don't have to ask anybody, Min., we have his description, it's only a matter of keeping our eyes open
Minnie: We've only got to find the soldier wearing the Blue Shower Necklace
Henry: Well I never thought of that
Minnie: And you call yourself a detective!
Henry: Minnie, keep quiet, dear, or you'll break out in another rash
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC SLOW TUNE, AS IN "LAWRENCE OF ARABIA" ONE MAN PLOUGHING THROUGH THE SANDS OF THE DESERT ALONE AND LOST
Wallace: 10 days later the weary figure of Ned Seagoon approached the fort
Neddy: (out of breath) It wasn't 10 days, it was 3 and a half weeks
Wallace: At the risk of being volatile, I would like to inform listeners that according to the Radio Times it was 10 days, however, after Ned Seagoon's ordeal in the desert we can forgive his inaccuracy
Neddy: I should know, shouldn't I? I was here, wasn't I? It was 3 and a half weeks
Moriarty: Ah, our new recruit! Where have you been for the last ten days?
Wallace: And the Radio Times only costs thruppence
Moriarty: Thank you. Tell me now, legionnaire, look at the state you're in, covered in sand, where have you been?
Neddy : In the desert
Moriarty: A likely story!
ORCHESTRA: LONE TRUMPET PLAYS A REFRAIN THREE TIMES TO ANNOUNCE A VISITOR
Moriarty: Sacre Fred! We're being attacked! Up on the wall, men! If you want me, I'll be under the bed
Neddy: Stop! Sir, there's only one of them
Moriarty: Is he unarmed?
Neddy: Yes
Moriarty: Right men, fire!
GRAMS: HUNDREDS OF GUNS BEING FIRED OF VARIED TYPES (MACHINE GUNS, PISTOLS, RIFLES, ETC.)
Moriarty: Missed! I say, keep still out there, these bullets cost money!
Neddy: Perhaps he has a message for us. Avez vous une message pour us?
Eccles: Oui. (sings) I'm only a lonely -
Neddy: Sir, this idiot is my brother. Eccles, what are you doing dressed as an Arab?
Eccles: It's my foreign legion uniform
Neddy: It's not, it's the uniform of the Arabs
Eccles: Well, when I joined the Foreign Legion they gave me this, closed the gates, and said "Good luck"
Neddy: I ran to let my brother in. It was good to see him again. Eccles, you've got tall!
Eccles: Oh, this isn't all me!
Neddy: Isn't it?
Eccles: No, I'm sitting on mother's shoulders
Neddy: Mother's shoulders?
Eccles: I couldn't get a camel
Ray: Neddy, my eldest boy!
Neddy: Mother! Mother, what are you doing here? This is a white-man's grave
Ray: What's the matter with you, colour-blind?
Moriarty: Mother, may I have the honour of playing you the music?
Ray: With pleasure
MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET "THE NAUGHTY LADY OF SHADY LANE"
GRAMS: MARCH MUSIC AND MARCHING SPED UP
Neddy: In the next few weeks we must have marched hundreds of miles a day. During these marches not a word of complaint passed my lips as I sat huddle in Eccles' pack
Eccles: Ooh, you been riding around in my pack?
Neddy: You don't mind, do you?
Eccles: You'd better not let mother know
Neddy: Why?
Eccles: I've been riding around in hers! Ha-ha!
Neddy: Good old mater
Eccles: Yeah. Oh by the way. Neddy, I saw the Captain last week and he told me to tell you that he wants to see you in his office right away
Neddy: What? Why didn't you tell me last week?
Eccles: Well if I told you last week you would have forgotten by now
Neddy: Yes, thank you Eccles. I'm only a week late. A week!
GRAMS: WHOOSH!
FX: THREE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR
Moriarty: Come in!
Neddy: I'm terribly sorry, sir, really I am. I know I'm late but it's my own fault. My brother told me last week and I forgot. I am completely to blame. I should have reported to you last week when my brother informed me but it slipped my memory and the blame is entirely mine
Moriarty: Come in!
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND DOOR OPENS
Neddy: It's all Eccles's fault, sir!
Moriarty: Never mind, now. I have a visitor to see you, sir
Neddy: A visitor?
Moriarty: First of all, how much is the Blue Shower Necklace worth?
Neddy: About a King's ransom, all depends on who the King is! Ha-Ha!
Moriarty: So, you are Neddy Seagoon, I have a visitor for you. Entrez!
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND DOOR OPENS
Grytpype: Ah nephew Neddy
Neddy: Uncle Grytpype
Moriarty: Sacre-nonduci-fristi-yacka-backaras. Then it is true, you are this charlie's uncle
Grytpype: I'm afraid so. Now, Neddy, the necklace!
Neddy: I haven't got it, uncle
Grytpype: Search his neck!
Neddy: Aaaaah!
Moriarty: Curses, nothing but a string of glass beads and a full-length portrait of his mother
Grytpype: Listen, Neddy, I took the Blue Shower Necklace, but at the ball I hung up my jacket to do the mambo and when I returned the pocket containing the necklace was gone
Neddy: What a dastardly trick! Who'd want to rob you? But I didn't take it, honestly I didn't
ORCHESTRA: LONE TRUMPET REFRAIN OF ATTACK
Moriarty: Sapristi-knuckles! Man the walls! The Arabs are attacking!
GRAMS: BATTLE SCREAMS AND TRUMPETS BLARING AT DIFFERENT SPEEDS
Neddy: (over GRAMS) It was a terrible battle, the enemy hurled themselves at us with swords, rifles and machine-guns, and worst of all - 700 rock-cakes!
GRAMS: BATTLE SCREAMS AND TRUMPETS CALLING THE RETREAT
Neddy: (over GRAMS) Then it came, the order to retreat. We didn't know it at the time but this was one of the greatest retreats in the history of war. Back we went, as far as Morocco, to the African core still fighting, the Mediterranean was littered with doers and dead sampans as we gamely retreated. Twice we had to buy ammunition from the Arabs. Days turned into weeks
FX: WHISTLE BLOWN, GRAMS STOP IMMEDIATELY
Everyone: huge crowd of people waiting to go through customs over speech
Peter: (slightly camp) Next please, anything to declare? Watches, clocks, finery?
Neddy: Nothing
Moriarty: Nothing
Ray: Nothing
Peter: Well, anything to declare?
Eccles: It's good to be alive!
Peter: Yes, pass along please. Next
Harry: Welsh gibberish
Peter: Thank you, next
Spike: Indian gibberish
Peter: God there's hundreds of them. Alright, go straight through
FX: WHISTLE BLOWN
GRAMS: BATTLE SCREAMS AND TRUMPETS BLARING AT DIFFERENT SPEEDS
Neddy: And still the battle raged, down the South End Road and up the Guildford bypass (GRAMS die down)
ORCHESTRA: HARP PLAYS MYSTIC CHORDS LINK
Wallace: Meantime in the ancestral home of Lady Seagoon a lone figure lay in bed idly dangling the Blue Shower Necklace
Bluebottle: Tee-hee! I'm a happy-go-lucky rich boy! Thinks: now that everyone is in the Foreign Legion I'm next in line for the title. Tee-hee-he! Stares at pimply reflection in the Blue Shower and at the same time also thinks: here in the countryside I am safe. It's the others who will get the dreaded deading
GRAMS: IN DISTANCE BATTLE SCREAMS AND TRUMPETS BLARING AT DIFFERENT SPEEDS
Bluebottle: What is that sound that tickles little Bluebottle's ear-hole?
FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED, DOOR OPENS, GRAMS GET LOUDER
Peter: (Butler) Sir, it would appear your brothers have returned home, and furthermore -
Neddy: Hello, Bluebottle, I'm glad to see that - Wait! You've got the Blue Shower. Stop! (GRAMS stop immediately) Gentlemen, I'm sorry, but you have to cease the battle now
Everyone: groans and complaints
Neddy: I know you're upset, I'm sorry, but this is our home, you know. And what's more we've found the necklace
Everyone: Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!
Bluebottle: But the necklace is mine. Nay nay, nay nay, nay
Eccles: Here you go, Bluebottle, in return here's a rock-cake
Bluebottle: Oh thank you, Eccles. I like rock-cakes I do, I like them. Yes. Thinks: I've never seen a rock-cake with a pin in it before. Oh well, I had a good long run this week. Stands to one side and pulls pin out
GRAMS: EXPLOSION, BITS OF METAL AND GLASS HITTING GROUND
ORCHESTRA: FLUTE AND HARP CALM AND FLOWING DUET LINK
Wallace: High Towers, the home of Lady Seagoon, 1 butler, 2 cooks, 4 maids
GRAMS: WHINING SOUND OVER SPEECH AS IN BOMB FALLING FROM A PLANE
Wallace: And 842 Arab gardeners, 6 horses and -
FX: GRAMS STOP, HEAVY OBJECT FALLS ON TOP OF WALLACE (THUMP NOISE)
Wallace: Ooooh!
Bluebottle: Oh I'm sorry, did I fall on you?
Wallace: Yes, you small knobbly ham
Bluebottle: Oh, you're smiling Wallace Greenslade 'aint you?
Wallace: That's right
Bluebottle: Listen, could I have a signed photograph of you? 'Cause I like you on the wireless
Wallace: So do I, have a toffee
Bluebottle: Thank you. 'Cor, fancy this, you're bigger than I thought you were. 'Cause I like you on the wireless
ORCHESTRA: CLOSING THEME TUNE
Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a Recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton.
ORCHESTRA: FINISH THEME TUNE AND PLAY THEM OUT