(5th Series No 14)

































Wal: This is the BBC Home Service.

Throat: Cor blimey!

ORCHESTRA: Jingle bells tune

Peter: 'Tis Christmas, and in every home are sounds of revelry and good cheer, but alas, outside ...

GRAMS: Wind, snowstorm

Peter: (over) ... outside in the driving snow, a lone tragic ragged figure stumbles through the icy streets, his thin frost-bitten fingers clutching at the threadbare overcoat. He stumbles into a decrepit hovel, ignoring the poor wretches who lay groaning on the straw-covered floor. He staggers in, lets fall his ragged coat, lurches forward and says ...

Harry: Welcome to The Goon Show.

GRAMS: Moans, wailing

Harry: Thank you , listeners. And a merry Christmas to all our readers. For the Christmas Festival we present, on the new curved speaker radio set 'A Bandit of Sherwood Forest'.

Spike: Ole.

Harry: Ole.

ORCHESTRA: Fanfare, mood music

GRAMS: Street sounds, horses on cobblestones, chatter

Wal: (over) Doncaster, late in the twelfth century. 'Tis December, and the snow-covered coaching yard of the Bowman's Inn is thronged with travellers, each awaiting to go his journey.

Grytpype: Oh, coachmaster, a word, I pray.

Harry: Come and join ... ah, 'tis the Sheriff of Nottin'ham. Aha ha ha. A pleasure to talk to the only real gen'leman here.

Grytpype: Oh, really?

Harry: Yes, that's 'im over there by the wall. Wallace the Greenslade.

Grytpype: Mm. Forsooth this day I would travel to Nottingham. I wish to buy a ticket for the coach.

Harry: Coach don't need a ticket, it travels free! Ho ho ho ho ho. Aha ha ha.

Grytpype: Ye good joke. Now then, I wish a seat with my back to the horses.

Harry: Don't matter where you sit, if you're downwind you'll still cop it. Aha ha ha.

Grytpype: Aha. Ye good joke.(cockney) Now belt up, will ya! (calls) Baggage boy! Baggage boy!

Eccles: (log) 'ullo! Dids't thou call, sire?

Grytpype: Long thin lad, put my three bags atop of the coach for Nottingham.

Eccles: Forsooth, I will do that, I say, sooth, sooth, sooth, sooth and sooth.

Grytpype: (aside) What manner of an idiot is this that keeps saying 'sooth'?

Eccles: (aside) Little does he know that I'm a soothsayer Aha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Oh, don't hit me now, it's Christmas. Oh. What was dat?

Grytpype: Just my little foot.

Eccles: Oh.

Grytpype: Now, get those bags and er ...

Eccles: O.K., don't get annoyed. I got de bags, I'll get all de bags up dere, I done dis job before, you know.

FX: Bags being moved, thumps etc.

Eccles: (over) I done all dem bags, steady, I got 'em, I'll get 'em up. Ooh. I done dis job before, you know.

Grytpype: Good.

Eccles: (over thumps, off) I'm no idiot, I'll get da old bags up dere. (thumping stops) Dere dey are, all safe and sound on top. Oh. I forgot da bags. Oho ho. I'll come down and ...

Grytpype: No no no no, stay there and I'll throw them up to you. Here's one! (strains)

Eccles: Ooh!

Grytpype: Two! (strains)

Eccles: Ooh!

Grytpype: Three! (strains) (pause) Got them?

Harry: 'Scuse me, sir. Could you give I a hand 'round the other side of the coach?

Grytpype: Why?

Harry: There's a lad lying there with three cases on top of 'im!

Grytpype: Idiot. Idiot.

Eccles: (off) O.K. (now closer) It's O.K., it's O.K., sire. I didn't hurt myself.

Grytpype: Well, jump again.

Eccles: Oh, what? I fell on this old woman.

Wal: I'm not an old woman.

Eccles: Oh, I'm sorry. I ... I meant this old man.

Wal: I'm not an old woman or an old man.

Eccles: (long) Ohhh!

Wal: I'm a young man.

Eccles: Oho ho.

Harry: Oho. Ye good joke. Ha ha ha.

Eccles: Ye good joke. Good joke.

Peter (Flowerdew): Hark, ye all. Hark, ye all. The coach for Nottingham leaves but quick, do you hear me, so quickly. Oh, I could spit!

Harry: (calls) Al l on board, then.

Eccles: All on board!

Harry: All the bags, all the bags.

Eccles: Good-bye!

GRAMS: Rumbling of coach departing

Eccles: (over) Good-bye, there.

Harry: Next stop, Sherwood Forest.

ORCHESTRA: Mood music

GRAMS: Sound of coach travelling, horses

Minnie: (over, snoring) Oh. Nyah. Nyah. (lips smacking) Oh dear, dear, dear. Oh dear, I ... I must have dozed off. Where are we, pray, gentlemen?

Grytpype: We're in Sherwood Forest, madam. Pity you're not younger.

Minnie: Oh. Oh dear, what's become of the long thin lad?

Grytpype: I threw him out of the coach a mile back.

Minnie: Whatever made you do that, sir?

Grytpype: I don't know, just high spirits, I s'pose.

Minnie: Poor, poor lad. Lost in the forest. The wolves will get him.

Harry (cod foreign accent): Please don't mention the wolves.

Minnie: Why not?

Harry (cod foreign accent): I'm a Hungarian. Ha ha.

GRAMS: Sound of pack of wolves, coach screeches to a halt

Bloodnok: Stand and deliver!

Minnie: Oh.

Bloodnok: Hands up or I'll split ye grotkin in its quonta.

Minnie: Mercy, it's an outlaw.

Bloodnok: I warn you, madam, one step nearer and I'll scream1

Wal: Art thou one of Robin Hood's men?

Bloodnok: I art. Me name is Friar Balsam.

Wal: What luck. Oh, indeed, what luck. I wish to join our band. I play the saxophone.

Bloodnok: Oh, that's just what we need. Right, we shall keep you. Now, coachman, you may drive on anon.

Harry: (calls) Get up!

Minnie: Ah.

GRAMS: Sound of horses' hooves on cobblestones, then speeded up

Bloodnok: Well now, my man. From now on you will be known as Little John, and ...

Neddie: Ahoy there, my merry men. 'Tis I, Robin Hood, nee Neddie Seagoon, alias Handsome Harry, plus Harry Secombe, now playing in pantomime. (sings) Be my love, where no one else, falling in love with love is falling, ray fol de rol maria, liveleta ariver, 'ooray! Well done! More! (claps) More, more! More! There we are! More! More! Thank you! More!

Bloodnok: Come along, Robin, there's no need to be so shy. Robin, this is our new recruit.

Neddie: Welcome to the banbd. I'll have you fitted out for a suit of Lincoln Green. Call Norrie, the tailor.

Lew: Yes, sir, what is it, dumplin'?

Neddie: Measure this man.

Lew: Why, is 'e dead?

Neddie: For a suit.

Lew: Oh, a suit. Oh, er ... er... alright then. Alkan, you got the tape?

Throat: Yes.

Lew: Good. Right, now then, um, er and the chalk, Alkie, that's right, boy. Now er ... er chest, seventeen including shoulders.

Wal: That's right. You're right. Yes.

Lew: Waist ... fifty-six? 'Ere, you're a bit of a nosher, ain't you? Yes.

Wal: Yes, I do ...

Lew: It's nice to see it on you. Right arm, eighteen. Left arm, twenty-eight.

Wal: That's right. Yes.

Lew: Now then, er, inside leg.

Wal: (pain) Ohh!

Lew: Sorry! That's all, then. 'Alf a nicker to to you.

Wal: (indignant) I refuse to be seen wearing half a knicker!

Eccles: Ohyohy. 'Ere, ooh, help, Robin Hood. Help!

Neddie: It's Will Eccles. What's happened?

Eccles: The Sheriff of Nottingham. He threw me out of the coach. Clung! But I I I I learned something else, his men have kidnapped Maid Marian.

Neddie: Oh, no. Maid Marian. She's the most beautiful girl in the world. I wonder where they're keeping her?

Eccles: Where they're keeping her? In the forest, of course. Oh, there's plenty of good hiding places dere. My dad used to take me dere.

Eccles: A good hiding. Oho ho.

Bloodnok: You're all cowards, do you hear me? The fair Maid Marian must be rescued at all costs. Will Eccles, saddle me horse.

Neddie: Max Geldray, strap on a perforated mackerel sheet. Zounds.



ORCHESTRA: Mood music

GRAMS: Chains

Charlotte: Oh, no. No! No! No.

Grytpype: Get in there, you naughty Maid Marian.

Charlotte: Sheriff of Nottingham, Take your hands off me. If they're not off in the next three hours, I'll write to the police.

Grytpype: Little spitfire.

Charlotte: Of fie, oh fie, you see, my fiance Mr. R. Hood, will come and fisticuff you. He'll hit thee, splat, thun, blat, zowie, socko, blam, thud, biff. He learned all his boxing from comic strips. Have you ever seen a comic strip?

Grytpype: Only in a Turkish Bath.

Charlotte: I don't wish to knowest that.

Grytpype: In that case, good byest.

GRAMS: Prison door shuts

Charlotte, Oh, sobs of despair. Sobs! Locked in this dark dungeon with nothinig but an old straw television set. This is the chamber of torture. Oh woe, oh misery, oh fie, (fades) oh whatever shall I do.

Grytpype: (aside) The part of Maid Marian is being played by Miss Charlotte Mitchell, and a ripe little ham she's proving. Play continues.

Charlotte: But I know my fiance, Robin Hood, will rescue me 'ere long.

Neddie: Pst.

Charlotte: What is that pst I hear?

Neddie: Pst.

Charlotte: How do you spell it?

Neddie: (phonetic) P. S. T.

Charlotte: That's how my rRobin spells his pst. Is that you, Robin, come to rescue me?

Neddie: Yest.

Charlotte: Oh where are you my clever one?

Neddie: Chained to the wall behind you. The truth is, I'm a prisoner. My arms are chained.

Charlotte: Are your legs chained?

Neddie: No.

Charlotte: Then lets dance, Robin.

GRAMS: 1922 Jack Payne one-step dance musuc from record

Charlotte: (over) Oh, you waltz divinely.

Neddie: (over music) Do you come here often? Next dance! (,usic stops) Stop this mas soiree.

Charlotte: But you're so handsome.

Neddie: I know, isn't it a bore. But we must escape. Wait! This ... this stone I'm chained to, it's loose. I can feel the draught. (strain) Oh. Ah.

Charlotte: Oh.

Neddie: (strains) Ah. Oh.

Charlotte: Oh.

Neddie: (strains) Ooh. Oh. Ah. Ah, I've done it.

Charlotte: What?

Neddie: Taken an aspirin. I don't want to catch cold.

Charlotte: Robin, try and pull the stone out, beloved.

Neddie: My arms are chained. But ... my teeth aren't. Place the chain twixt my teeth.

FX: Chains

Charlotte: There 'tis, twixt. Now pull, Robin.

Neddie: (chains in mouth) I'm pulling away like mad, here. (strains) It's coming, I ooh! (strains)

Charlotte: That's it, Robin, beloved. Pull.

Neddie: (strains)

Charlotte: Let those strong white teeth pull us to freedom.

FX: Teeth fall out and rattle on floor

Neddie: (no teeth) Well, don't stand there, pick 'em up!

Charlotte: Robin, you've pulled the stone out. Let's go through to freedom. Follow me. Oh. 'Tis dark in here. Ohh!! Robin, please!

Neddie: Wasn't me.

Charlotte: Then who else?

Eccles: There's more than one prisoner in here!

Neddie: 'Tis the noble Eccles. What are you doing here?

Eccles: Six months.

Neddie: You captured too?

GRAMS: Prison cell door opens

Charlotte: ;Tis the Sheriff.

Grytpype: Yes. I've come to take you, Maid Marian.

Neddie: Splatt, thun, zowie, blun thud, biff, plud, wallow, splam, blatt, socko. (puffing) There, let that be a lesson to you. Blutt, blutt.

Grytpype: You silly twisted boy, you. Come, Maid.

Eccles: (blows)

Grytpype: Who blew my candle out?

Eccles: Oho oho ho.

Bloodnok: Don't move, Sheriff, or this club will mash your nugglers.

Neddie: 'Tis Friar Balsam. Let the Sheriff have it.

GRAMS: Big fight, thumps, ohs and ahs from cast, thuds etc.

Charlotte: (over) My fiance Robin is in there.

Bloodnok: (over battle) Clubn yucka. (puffing) Now, you swine, have you had enough?

Eccles: Yup, I've 'ad enough.

Bloodnok: Eccles, where's the Sheriff?

Neddie: I've got him by the throat. Help me.

Bloonok: No.

Neddie: Why not?

Bloodnok: My throat.

GRAMS: Prison cell door closes

Bloodnok: Flatten me nurkers with crods. He's got away with Maid Marian.

FX: Phone rings

Eccles: Ooh.

Peter (Ben Lyon): I'll get it, Bebe. Hello? It's for you.

Neddie: Hello? Hello?

Lew: (on phone) Hello, er, er ...

Neddie: Hello. Robin Hood here.

Lew: (on phone) Hello, it's er, listen, listen, listen er ... it's Ernie Cash 'ere. Now listen, um ... listen, Robin. The Sheriff's been in ... on the blower to me from the winter Berewood, 'e says um, 'e says unless you pay 'im two thousand pounds ransom 'e's gonna (do) ya.

Neddie: Two thousand pounds? What shall I do?

Lew: (on phone) Offer 'im one htousand seven hundred and fifty and take a chance on it, I mean er ...

Neddie: I haven't got a penny on me.

Lew: (on phone) Er don't ... don't ... don't worry, don't worry, schmoolick, I ... I ... I sent a geezer ... I sent a geezer on 'is way with the gelt to get you out of schtuck.

Neddie: Thank you. Thank you, you saved my life.

Lew: (on phone) Oh, we all make mistakes, Goodbye.

FX: Phone hung up

Neddie: All's well. I don't know, Ellington, tell us why you are in prison as well.

Ray: Well I'll tell you just what happened.



Wal: (sings) Oh, what a night, oh what a night it was, it really was. (sings) I believe for every drop of rain that falls, someone gets wet. Yes, Greensladers, it's your own Wallace Greenslade singing to you again, and don't forget, you too can have a signed photograph of Wallace Greenslade for only three guineas, so fan clubs, keep those cheques rolling in. Old Wallace will find a use for them. So 'til next time, this is Mr. 'Rhythm' Greenslade saying 'chickety boo boo arocko de kookoo abooliarboo chickety snitch'! Two, four, six, eight, who do we appreciate?

Wal & OMNES: Greenslade!

GRAMS: Cheering crowd

Wal: (over) Stop! (cheering stops suddenly) (ahem) Thank you. And now, to the rest of the B feature. The Bandit of Sherwood Forest. Maid Marian, played by Miss Charlotte Mitchell. Part three, the Sheriff's banquet.

GRAMS: Sound of noisy eating, background noise of plates, etc.

Charlotte: (over) Oh woe, fie, prithy, oh zounds. Hither, thither. Help! I am undone. Forsooth, agony, whither art thou, Robin (fades) Oh Robin , where art thou?

Grytpype: (aside) The part of Maid Marian is still being played by Miss Mitchell. (normal) Fair damsel, pray, do not sulk. Eat.

Charlotte: No, I'm not hungry.

Grytpype: Not surprising after that dirty great kipper you wolfed. Now then, my dear, what I ...

Charlotte: Oh, hot rodkin, sir. Leave me alone. I love Robin.

Grytpype: You hot little bundle, you. Let me hold you.

FX: Ping of violin string breaking

Grytpype: My, you are highly strung. But attractive.

Charlotte: Oh, zoonds.

Grytpype: You mean zounds.

Charlotte: No, it only zounds like zoonds.

Grytpype: Oh. Ye good joke, yes. What do you say, Baron Fred?

Harry: (drunken unintelligible singing, hickup at end)

Grytpype: He doesn't seem to care.

Charlotte: Ooh! There's someone crawling under the table. What are you doing under there, sir?

Peter (Winston Churchill): I'm looking for a telegram.

Harry (accent): Pardon me, zir, but there is a prisoner outside.

Grytpype: Is he bound?

Harry (accent): Of 'is 'ealth I know not, sir.

Grytpype: Well, send him in.

Ray: Well, come on. Come on, this way, you. In you get, now, get on your knees then, son.

Bluebottle: Stop it, you. You hurted little me. Enter Bluebottel in doublet made from mum's old drawers. Ye sausages. Eeheehee. Sausages.

Moriarty: (off) Silence! (closer) I speak for the Sheriff of Nottingham. Who are you?

Bluebottle: I am a member of Robin Hood's gang.

Moriarty: Sapristi.

Bluebottle: I ran away to join him because I was a serf.

Moriarty: Tell me, little serf, why have you got a saddle strapped to your back?

Bluebottle: That's for serf riding! Eeheehee! I made a little jokule. Eeheehee.

Ray: If I had my arms free I'd give you a black eye.

Ray: What's the matter, son, you colour blind?

Bluebottle: Nyee nyee.

FX: Hitting sounds

Bluebottle: Stop hitting me!

Moriarty: Hit hit hit.

Bluebottle: Nyee. I don't like this game. Where's my friend, Eccules? Let's play another game. Let's play Rita Hayworth and husbands.

Moriarty: Sapristi bompet nyuckoes. Now listen, tell us what is your position here?

Bluebottle: Can't you see I'm kneeling down?

Moriarty: Speak the truth.

Bluebottle: I have brought the ransom money to free my master, Robinge Hoodinge.

Moriarty: I understand perfectly, but where is the money, little string bonce yeomange?

Bluebottle: First you must free Robin.

Moriarty: Tie him to a stake.

Bluebottle: No. Do not tie me to a stake.

Moriarty: Why not?

Bluebottle: I'm a vegetarian. Eeheehee.

Moriarty: Blut, thun, blut.

Bluebottle: Thun.

Moriarty: Thun. Alright.

Bluebottle: Stop nutting me.

Moriarty: Stop it man. Listen to me. Drink this.

Bluebottle: No, I must not drinked alcohol drinkies. I'm a minor.

Moriarty: I don't care if you're a navvy. Drink.

Bluebottle: Ee. Well, as you ask-ed me so nicely, and also there's 'cause you're holding a dirty big chopper over my little nut, I'll have to drink it, won't I. Thinks: This must be the dreaded deading of Bluebottle part. Yeeheehee. Good luck to you. Picks up cardboard goblet and drinks. (gulp)

GRAMS: Whoosh, siren going up, whoosh, whirring sound, Big Ben striking one, cat meow, whoosh

Bluebottle: Yehee It was jolly nice, that was. I thought that was going to dead me. But I was wrong.

GRAMS: Explosion

Bluebottle: You rotten Norman swines, you. There was dynamite in my drinkies. Look, my knees have dropped. Exits left with low knees, high groins and shattered boots.

Neddie: (off, coming closer) Oh, no. Stop! Hearty, I am here.

Charlotte: It's my fiance, Robin ...

Neddie: Belt up, you. 'Tis I, Robin, freed by Wallace the Greenslade. Come, men, attack the Sheriff.

Moriarty: Stop!

Neddie: Charge!

Moriarty: Blatt, thud, thud.

Neddie: (over) Biff, thud.

Bloodnok: (over) Thud,blatt, biff, bong, whack, clout.

Grytpype: Zowie, thud.

Charlotte: My fiance's in there, somewhere.

Neddie: That's what you think.

CHarlotte: Robin, what are you doing under the table?

Peter (Winston Churchill): He's helkping me look for that blasted telegram.

Bloodnok: Club, whack. (puffing) Oh, Robin.

Moriarty: Thud.

Neddie: Oh. Blatt. Oh.

Bloodnok: (puffing) We ... we ... we can't keep this up much longer. Will they never arrive?

Neddie: Who?

Bloodnok: Those blasted sound effects men. Blunn. Thunlleog.

Neddie: Let me help. Blatt.

Charlotte: My fiance did that.

Neddie: Thud.

Charlotte: My fiance did that.

Moriarty: Blun, bonk!

Charlotte: My fiance copped that.

Neddie: Blatt! My fiancee copped that.

Grytpype: Stop, Robin Hood. (puffing) Robin ...

Moriarty: You'e getting even.

Grytpype: ... Call your men off. You win, you win, you win.

Neddie: (puffing)

Grytpype: Your thuds, blatts, and wallops were far louder than ours. Maid Marian is all yours.

Neddie: (calls) Friar Crun?

Henry: Mm. Coming, coming.

Minnie: Oh.

Neddie: A wedding. Let two be joined as one.

Henry: Stand there, both of you. Now, do you take this um ... what is he?

Charlotte: Man.

Henry: Alright, man, yes. Take this man to be your husband?

Charlotte: Yea.

Henry: Yeas, and um ... do you, sir, take this woman to be your wife?

Wal: Yes, I do.

Henry: Pronounced man and wife. Five shillings.

Neddie: Stop! You've married her to the wrong man.

Wal: Oh, yea? Two, four, six, eightest, who do girls appreciatest?

Charlotte: Greenslade!

GRAMS: Crowd cheering

Neddie: (off) Thud, blatt, (etc. continue through credits)

ORCHESTRA: Over, theme

Wal: (over) That was The Goon Show, a recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, Spike Milligan and Charlotte Mitchell, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The Orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes. Announcer: Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton.