Ye Bandits of Sherwood Forest

First broadcast on December 28, 1954 (recorded 19th)

Script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes
Produced by Peter Eton
Announced by Wallace Greenslade
Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott


Wallace: This is the BBC
Throat: Cor Blimey!
ORCHESTRA: "JINGLE BELLS"
Peter: (Shakespearean) 'Tis Christmas, and in every home are sounds of revelry and good cheer. But alas outside -
GRAMS: SNOW BLIZZARD OVER SPEECH
Peter: Outside in the driving snow a lone tragic ragged figure stumbles through the icy streets, his thin frost-bitten fingers clutching the thread-bare overcoat. He stumbles into a decrepit hobble ignoring the poor wretches who lay groaning on the straw-covered floor. He staggers in, lets fall his ragged coat, lurches forward and says -
Harry: Welcome to the Goon Show!
GRAMS: A LONE WAILER
Harry: Thank you listener. We present on the curved new speaker radio set Ye Bandits Of Sherwood Forest
ORCHESTRA: GRAND OPENING
Wallace: Doncaster late in the 12th century, 'tis December and the snow covered coaching yard of the Bowman's Inn is thronged with travellers each awaiting to go his journ
Grytpype: Oh coach master, a word I pray
Harry: (country accent) Coming sir! Ah 'tis the Sheriff of Nottingham. A pleasure to talk to the only real gentleman here
Grytpype: Oh really?
Harry: Yes, that's him over there by the wall. Wallace the Greenslade
Grytpype: Hmm, forsooth this day I shall travel to Nottingham, I wish to buy a ticket for the coach
Harry: Coach don't need a ticket, it travels free (laughs)
Grytpype: Ye good joke
Peter: (cockney) Now belt up will ya!
Grytpype: Baggage boy!? Baggage boy!?
Eccles: Hello. Didst thou call, sire?
Grytpype: Long thin lad put my three bags on top of the coach for nothing
Eccles: Forsooth I will do that, I say sooth, sooth, sooth, sooth and - sooth!
Grytpype: What manner of an idiot is this that keeps saying sooth?
Eccles: Little does he know I'm a soothsayer! (laughs) Now don't hit me now! Ouch, what was that?
Grytpype: Just my little foot. Now get those bags and -
Eccles: Okay, I got the bags, I'll get all the bags, I've done this before you know!?
F.X. HEAVY OBJECTS BEING MOVED
Eccles: Steady on, I'll get them up, I've done this before you know? I'll just get them up there! (distant) There you are all safe and sound on top. Oooh! I forgot the bags! I'll come down and -
Grytpype: No no no, stay there and I'll throw them up to you. Here's one – two - three. Got them?
Harry: Excuse me sir, could you give us a hand around the other side of the coach?
Grytpype: Why?
Harry: There's a lad lying down with 3 cases on top of him
Grytpype: Idiot! Idiot!
Eccles: OK, it's okay sire, I didn't hurt myself
Grytpype: Well jump again
Eccles: I fell on this old woman
Wallace: I'm not an old woman
Eccles: I'm sorry, I meant this old man
Wallace: I'm not an old woman or an old man
Eccles: Oooh!
Wallace: I'm a young man
Harry and Eccles: (laugh) Ye good joke!
Peter: (very camp) Hark ye all! Hark ye all! The coach for Nottingham leaves but quick, do you hear me? So quickly!
Harry: Everyone aboard
Everyone: Good-bye!
Harry: Next stop Sherwood Forest
ORCHESTRA: CHEERFUL LINK
GRAMS: CARRIAGE ROLLING ALONG OVER SPEECH
Minnie: snores Oh dear! I must have dozed off. Where are we, pray, gentlemen?
Grytpype: We're in Sherwood Forest, madam. Pity you're not younger
Minnie: Oh! Oh dear! What's become of the long, thin lad?
Grytpype: I threw him out of the coach a mile back
Minnie: What in heaven made you do that, sir?
Grytpype: I don't know, just high spirits I suppose
Minnie: The poor, poor lad, lost in the forest the wolves will get him
GRAMS: CARRIAGE SCREECHES TO A HALT
Bloodnok: Stand and deliver! Hands up or I'll split your grotkin in each quarter!
Minnie: Oh mercy! It's an outlaw!
Bloodnok: I warn you madam, one step nearer and I'll scream
Wallace: Art thou one of Robin Hood's men?
Bloodnok: I art, me name is Friar Balsam
Wallace: What luck! Oh indeed, what luck! I wish to join your band, I play the saxophone
Bloodnok: Oh, just what we need, right we shall keep you. Now churchman you may ride anon?
Harry: Giddup!
FX: HORSE GALLOPS OFF (COCONUT SHELLS GETTING FASTER) INTO DISTANCE
Bloodnok: Now then my lad, from now on you will be known as Little John and -
Neddy: Ahoy there my merry men, it is I Robin Hood nÚ Neddy Seagoon known as handsome Harry plus Harry Secombe now playing in pantomime (singing) Be my love! Falling in love with love is like falling for make-believe! Maria! (stops singing) More! More? Thank you, more!
Grytpype: Come along Robin there's no need to be so shy. Robin this is our new recruit
Neddy: Welcome to the band, I'll have you fitted for a suit of lingering green. Call Nobby the tailor!
Peter: (Jewish) Yes, what is it doubling?
Neddy: Measure this man
Peter: Why, is he dead?
Neddy: For a suit
Peter: Oh a suit, alright then. Elcon, you got the tape? Good. Right then - and the chalk Elci - er chest 17 including shoulders, waist 56 - 'ere you're a bit of a nosher ain't you? Never mind it's nice to see it on you - Right arm 18, left arm 28 - now then inside leg -
Wallace: Oooooh!
Peter: Sorry! That's all now, half a nicker to you
Wallace: I refuse to be seen wearing half a nicker!
Eccles: Here here here! Ooh help!
Neddy: It's Will Eccles, what's happened?
Eccles: The Sheriff of Nottingham, he threw me out of the coach, clung! But there's something else: his men have captured Maid Marion
Neddy: Oh no! Maid Marion, she's the most beautiful girl in the world!
Bloodnok: You must rescue her
Neddy: Yes. I must rescue her, she's so beautiful!
Bloodnok: It will mean certain death for you
Neddy: I don't know, she wasn't that pretty. I wonder where they're keeping her
Eccles: Where they're keeping her? In the forest of course, because there's plenty of good hiding places there, my dad used to take me there
Neddy: What for?
Eccles: A good hiding - Ha ha!
Bloodnok: You're all cowards, do you hear me? The fair Maid Marion must be rescued at all costs. Will Eccles, saddle my horse
Neddy: Max Geldray strap on a perforated mackerel sheet - go!
MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND THE ORCHESTRA
ORCHESTRA: RAPID LINK
Marion: Oh no, no! No!
Grytpype: Get in there you naughty Maid Marion
Marion: Sheriff of Nottingham take your hands off in the next 3 hours
Grytpype: Little Spitfire!
Marion: Fie, oh fie! Mr. R. Hood will hit thee blat thum zapee zockit. He learnt all his boxing from comic strips. Have you ever seen a comic strip?
Grytpype: Only in a Turkish Bath
Marion: I don't wish to knowest that
Grytpype: In that case goodbye-est!
FX: HEAVY PRISON DOOR SHUT
Marion: Oh! Sobs of despair! Sobs! Locked in this dark dungeon with nothing but an old straw television set! This is the chamber of torture. Oh woe! Oh misery! Fie!
Peter: The part of Maid Marion is being played by Miss Charlotte Mitchell and a ripe little hand she's proving. Pray, continue
Marion: But I know my fiancÚ Robin Hood will rescue me anon
Neddy: Psssst!
Marion: What is that pssst I hear?
Neddy: Pssst!
Marion: How do you spell it?
Neddy: Pe ss tte!
Marion: That's how my Robin spells his pssst. Is that you, Robin, come to rescue me?
Neddy: Yessssst
Marion: Where are you my clever one?
Neddy: Chained to the wall behind you. The truth is I'm a prisoner. My arms are chained
Marion: Are your legs chained?
Neddy: No
Marion: Then let's dance, Robin!
ORCHESTRA: LOUNGE DANCE MUSIC OVER SPEECH
Marion: Oh you waltz divinely!
Neddy: Do you come here often? Stop! (ORCHESTRA STOPS) Stop this mad soiree
Marion: But you're so handsome
Neddy: I know, isn't it a bore? But we must escape. Wait, this stone I'm chained to, it's loose, I can feel a draft. Hnnnnnnn Hnnnnn Hnnn. Ah! I've done it!
Marion: What?
Neddy: Taken an aspirin, don't ant to catch cold
Marion: Robin, try and pull the stone out, beloved!
Neddy: My arms are chained but my teeth aren't! Place the chain betwixt my teeth
Marion: There, it is twixt. Now pull, Robin!
Neddy: Right. Hnnnn, it's coming I think, hnnn
Marion: That's it, Robin, beloved, pull! Let those strong white teeth pull us to freedom
FX: SET OF TEETH FALLING ON THE FLOOR
Neddy: Well don't just stand there! Pick them up!
Marion: Robin you pulled the stone out! Let's go through to freedom. Follow me. Oh! It is dark in here. Oooh! Robin, please!
Neddy: It wasn't me
Marion: Then who else?
Eccles: There's more than one prisoner in here
Neddy: 'Tis the noble Eccles. What are you doing here?
Eccles: Six months!
Neddy: You captured too?
FX: HEAVY PRISON DOOR OPENED
Marion: It's the sheriff!
Grytpype: Yes, I've come to take you, Maid Marion
Neddy: Brat Tum Zanne Blum Thud Biff Plod Wallop Blam Blat Socco! There, let that be a lesson to you! Blat!
Grytpype: You silly twisted boy, you! Come Maid
FX: GUST OF WIND EXHALED FROM MOUTH
Grytpype: Who blew my candle out?
Bloodnok: Don't move, sheriff, or this club will mash your nugglers
Neddy: It's Friar Balsam let the sheriff have it
Everyone: (thuds and screams of fighting)
Marion: My Robin is in there!
Bloodnok: Now, you swine, had enough?
Eccles: Yup, I've had enough'
Bloodnok: Eccles! Where's the sheriff?
Neddy: I've got him by the throat, help me!
Bloodnok: No!
Neddy: Why not?
Bloodnok: My throat!
FX: HEAVY PRISON DOOR SHUT
Bloodnok: Flatter me nurtures with crodge, he's got away with Maid Marion
Eccles: Oooh!
FX: PHONE RINGS
Peter: (American) I'll get it, baby. Hello? It' for you
Neddy: Hello? Robin Hood here
Peter: (Jewish, on other end) Hello. Listen listen, Ernie Cash here. Listen, the sheriff's been on the blower to me from the Wintervere and he says unless you pay him 2000 pounds ransom he's going to kill ya
Neddy: 2000 pounds? What will I do?
Peter: Offer him 1750 and take a chance on it
Neddy: I haven't got a penny on me
Peter: Don't worry, don't worry schoomaker I sent the geezer on his way with the stuff to get you out of schmuck
Neddy: Thank you, thank you, you've saved my life
Peter: Well we all make mistakes. Good-bye
Neddy: All's well. Ellington, tell us why you're in prison as well
MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET
Wallace: (singing) Oh what a night, what a night it was! It really was! I believe for every drop of rain that falls someone gets wet (stops singing) Yes Greensladers it's your very own Wallace Greenslade singing to you again and don't forget - you too can have a signed photograph of Wallace Greenslade for only 3 guineas. So, fan club, keep those cheques rolling in, old Wallace will find a use for them. So 'til next time this is Mr. Rhythm Greenslade saying chigidi-boo-boo rock-holy-coo-coo obi-doobi-doo chiggidy-snitch 2 4 6 8 who do we appreciate? Greenslade!
GRAMS: CHEERS AND WHISTLES
Wallace: Stop! (GRAMS stop) Thank you. And now to the rest of the B- feature - Ye Bandit of Sherwood Forest. Maid Marion played by Miss Charlotte Mitchell part 3, the sheriff's bank
Marion: Oh woe! Fie! Prithee! Oh zounds! Hither hither! Help! I am undone! Oh streuth! Agony! Whither art thou Robin? Oh Robin where are you?
Peter: The part of Maid Marion is still being played by Miss Mitchell
Grytpype: Fair damsel, pray do not sulk. Eat?
Marion: No I'm not hungry
Grytpype: Not surprising after that dirty big kipper you woofed. Now then, my dear, what I -
Marion: Oh Hot Rodkin, sir! Leave me alone! I love Robin!
Grytpype: You hot little bundle, you! Let me hold you
FX: VIOLIN STRING SNAPS
Grytpype: My, you are highly strung! But attractive
Marion: Oh zooms!
Grytpype: You mean zounds
Marion: No it only zounds like zoom
Grytpype: Oh, ye good joke, yes. What do you say, Baron Fred?
Harry: hums a tune drunkenly
Grytpype: He doesn't seem to care
Harry: Pardon me, sire, but there is a prisoner outside
Grytpype: Is he bound?
Harry: Of his health I know not, sir
Grytpype: Well send him in
Ray: Come on, come on this way you! In you get! Now, get on your knees there, son!
Bluebottle: Stop it you. You hurted little me. Enter Bluebottle in doublet made out of Mum's old draws. These sausages, tee-hee!
Moriarty: Silence! I speak for the Sheriff of Nottingham. Who are you?
Bluebottle: I'm a member of Robin Hood's gang
Moriarty: Sapristi!
Bluebottle: I ran away to join him because I was a surf
Moriarty: Tell me, little serf, why have you got a saddle strapped to you back?
Bluebottle: That's for surf riding! Tee-hee! I made a little jokule! Hee-hee!
Ray: Silence, you!
Moriarty: Sapristi crumpet knuckles, now listen! Tell us, what is your position here?
Bluebottle: Can't you see I'm kneeling down?
Moriarty: Speak the truth
Bluebottle: I have broughted the ransom money to free my master Robin Hood
Moriarty: I understand perfectly, but where is the money little string-bonce- yeoman?
Bluebottle: First you must free Robin
Moriarty: Tie him to a stake!
Bluebottle: No! Do not tie me to a stake
Moriarty: Why not?
Bluebottle: I'm a vegetarian
Moriarty: Alright, stop it man, listen to me, drink this!
Bluebottle: No I must not drink alcoholic drinkies, I'm a minor
Moriarty: I don't care if you're a navvy, drink!
Bluebottle: Well, as you asked me so nicely and also because you're holding a dirty big chopper on top of my nut I'll have to drink it, won't I? Thinks: this must be the dreaded deading of Bluebottle part. Boo-hoo! Good luck to you. Picks up cardboard goblet and drinks. Gulp!
GRAMS: WHOOSH, KETTLE WHISTLE, WHOOSH, BOING, WHOOSH, BIG BEN STRIKES, CAT SHRIEKS, WHOOSH
Bluebottle: Tee-hee! That was jolly nice that was! I thought that was going to dead me, but I was wrong
GRAMS: BIG EXPLOSION
Bluebottle: You rotten Norman swine you! There was dynamite in my drinkies, look my knees have dropped! Exits left with low knees, high groin and shattered boots
Neddy: Oh no, stop! hark ye, I am here!
Marion: It's my fiancÚ Robin
Neddy: Belt-up, you! 'Tis I Robin! Freed by Wallace the Greenslade. Come men, attack the sheriff!
Everyone: Blang Bong Thud Whee Blut Zowee Blunge
Bloodnok: Oh Robin, we can't keep this up much longer, will they never arrive?
Neddy: Who?
Bloodnok: Those blasted sound-effects men. Blunge Thog
Neddy: Let me help. Blat
Marion: My fiancÚ did that
Neddy: Thud
Marion: My fiancÚ did that
Moriarty: Blat and Bonk
Marion: My fiancÚ copped that
Neddy: Blat. My fiancÚ copped that
Grytpype: Stop, Robin Hood. Robin, call your men off, you win, you win, you win. Your thuds blats and wallops were far louder than ours. Maid Marion is all yours
Neddy: Friar Crun?
Henry: Yes, coming, coming
Neddy: A wedding, let two be joined as one
Henry: Stand there, both. Now do you take this - um - what is it?
Marion: Man
Henry: Take this man to be your husband?
Marion: Yes
Henry: Yes, and do you take this woman as your wife
Wallace: Yes I do
Henry: Pronounced man and wife 5 shillings please
Neddy: Stop! You married the wrong man!
Wallace: Oh yeah! 2 4 6 8est - who do girls appreciatest?
Marion: Greenslade!
GRAMS: CHEERS AND WHISTLES
ORCHESTRA: END THEME TUNE
Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a Recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, Spike Milligan and Charlotte Mitchell with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra as conducted by Wally Stott, script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton.
ORCHESTRA: FINISH THEME TUNE AND PLAY THEM OUT