The Goon Show:

Dishonoured

First broadcast on December 14, 1954. Script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes. Produced by Peter Eton. Announced by Wallace Greenslade. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Transcribed by Paul Webster, corrections by Paul Winalski and Peter Olausson.

 

Greenslade:

This is the BBC Home Service.

Omnes:

[Singing: Ta ra ra da da da da da da dah - da da da da da da dah (Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight)]

Greenslade:

Here is a police message. A van load of musical instruments was stolen this afternoon. It is believed to be having repercussions.

Secombe:

Fear not dear unlicenced listeners! It will not stop the highly under-paid Goon Show!

Grams:

[Link - sort of tea-dance music (Jack Hylton Band recording of "Just Like a Thief"í)]

Secombe:

You see - there are always foreign musicians who will do the job. Thank you, Maurice Winnick and his Scottish Highlanders.

Ellington:

Somebody called?

Secombe:

Silence Colonel Nasser. Mr Mouldy Greenslade, stop that disgusting habit and make your usual hash of the announcement.

Greenslade:

Loonies and gentlepogelum - we give you a story specially wrotten for the wireless type of radio set.

Secombe:

Yes. A story entitled - Dishonoured. It was written by Mrs Bessie Braddock better known for her work as Dan Cockle. All parts will be played by human beings.

Eccles:

Well - goodnight folks!

FX:

[Rippling water - continues under...]

McGoonigal:

Oh - Dishonoured Part 1. The scene - the Limehouse water front.

FX:

[Fog horn]

McGoonigal:

Enter a ragged idiot - oooh!

FX:

[Fog horn]

Seagoon:

Oooh - alas! - not a penny have I. Not a penny towards a plate of vitals for my poor weak half-starved 17-stone body. So I'll lay me poor 20-stone head down upon this bench.

Mate:

Come along you two - move along there now.

Seagoon:

But constabule...

Mate:

Right - now move along before I belt you round the ear'ole.

Moriarty:

A moment please.

Seagoon:

The voice came form a tall dark fully-dressed male nude. He emerged from the darkness and walked into the gas light.

FX:

[Clang]

Moriarty:

Oooh! Now then constable - how would you like to join the river police?

Mate:

Oh, very much sir.

FX:

[Splash]

Mate:

Thank you very much sir!

Moriarty:

Right. Now then lad - I've come to help - vous.

Seagoon:

He meant me. He glanced down at my feet wrapped in coal sacks, my thrice turned World War One overcoat, my brown paper shirt with the inked in buttons and my six month growth of beard.

Moriarty:

Down on your luck?

Seagoon:

Whatever makes you think that sir?

Moriarty:

Your disguise didn't fool me.

Seagoon:

It should do - its genuine! But why should you be so interested in me?

Moriarty:

I run a rag-and-bone shop.

Seagoon:

You want a manager?

Moriarty:

No - I want stock.

Seagoon:

Well - I need a job.

Moriarty:

You want to work.

Seagoon:

Yes.

Moriarty:

You must be desperate!

Seagoon:

I hung on as long as I could.

Moriarty:

Well said. I have a very good friend - Hercules Grytpype-Thynne - [aside] and this is where the story really starts - [normal] this friend is in a banque or as you say in England - a bank. Now - how are you at mathematics?

Seagoon:

I speak it like a native.

Moriarty:

Splendid. You are the very type for the job - dead stupid. Tomorrow you start work at the Slippery Bank Limited.

Seagoon:

We shook hands. He doffed his cap and I acknowledged by raising my ex-RAF rubber dinghy. At last, at last employment. My wife was overjoyed. Next day I started work at the bank as a clerk [pron. clirk] , with every prospect of becoming a clerk [pron. clark]. My wages were 8 shillings a week, with 3 shillings for each of my children.

Grytpype:

This brought his money up to 80 pounds a week.

Seagoon:

That was the manager, Mr Thynne - well known in concentric circles.

Grytpype:

Mr Seagoon, how long have you been with us.

Seagoon:

20 minutes.

Grytpype:

What a splendid record of devotion and honesty. Neddie - [aside] and this is where the story really starts. [normal] Neddie, I'm putting you in a position of trust. You're in charge of the gold vault. Here is the key.

Seagoon:

Gold [becoming manic] gold! I'll be rich! Gold! Lovely gold! [into the distance]

Grytpype:

I wonder if he's the right man for the job?

Seagoon:

I decided to pinch the gold.

Grytpype:

Yes - this is the charlie. I must tell friend Moriarty that all is going to plan.

Seagoon:

Immediately I backed a large horse-drawn motor-van up to the front entrance to the bank.

Mate:

You can't park that there Sir.

Moriarty:

Constabule - how would you like to join the river police?

Mate:

Very much Sir.

FX:

[Splash]

Mate:

Thank you Sir.

Moriarty:

Carry on Neddie.

Seagoon:

Right. Next I carefully disguised myself as a Zulu warrior of the Matabele rising. So cunning was my make-up that not even my own grandmother would have recognised me.

Milligan (Min like):

Hello Neddie.

Seagoon:

Hello grannie. In this inconspicuous disguise I took the gold from the vault and loaded it onto the van. For three hours I toiled back and forth.

Grytpype:

Oh Neddie...

Seagoon:

Curses, I'm spotted.

Grytpype:

Why are you wearing that leopard skin?

Seagoon:

So that's why I'm spotted!

Grytpype:

Neddie, where are you taking all of that gold?

Seagoon:

I err... [aside] I shall have to think of a good excuse.

Grytpype:

You're stealing it aren't you?

Seagoon:

Curse, why hadn't I thought of that? Ahem... Yes - yes I'm stealing it.

Grytpype:

I'm afraid we shall have to give you a weeks notice.

Seagoon:

Why - what have I done?

Grytpype:

Oh nothing, nothing - we're just having to cut down on the staff you know. You see there's been a robbery. Now get that van started while I get my hat and coat.

Seagoon:

You coming too?

Grytpype:

No point in staying here - there's more lolly in the van than there is in the bank.

Seagoon:

Very well, we'll be partners.

Grytpype:

Shake.

Seagoon:

I gave him my hand.

Grytpype:

I gave him my foot - it was a fair swap.

Seagoon:

Ying-tong iddle-i-po!

Grytpype:

Good! Geldray, take the wheel and drive us to Dishonoured Part 2.

Geldray:

Huzzah!

Max Geldray and orchestra:

[Musical interlude]

Greenslade:

Dishonoured Part 2 - and this is where the story really starts. With their new found wealth, Ned Seagoon, with Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty paint the town red, then one day, as Seagoon was in the bath, the first blow fell.

FX:

[Door opens]

Grytpype:

Oh Neddie, Neddie - get out of that dustbin - bad news - the bank you stole the gold from told the police.

Seagoon:

What a rotten trick. Is nothing sacred?

Grytpype:

Give yourself up Neddie.

Seagoon:

Give myself up?

Moriarty:

Yes - the police want you lad.

Seagoon:

Nonsense - I am much too short for the police!

Grytpype:

Then you'll have to go abroad - the Mediterranean.

Seagoon:

Very well - we sail at dawn - tonight!

Omnes:

[Shouts - sort of singing]

Seagoon:

Within a week we were on board a private yacht sailing west nor'west south. I stood on the pilchard with the spanker blowing through my hair, and the salty bloaters spinning before the giblets. It's a man's life, I tell 'e, ha ha ha ha, a man's life, I tell 'e, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...

Grytpype:

You silly twisted boy you.

Seagoon:

Hello Captain Thynne - what's our position?

Grytpype:

Desperate - oh... I'll inquire. Oh Mr highly skilled navigator!

Eccles:

Hello.

Grytpype:

What is that object off the port beam?

Eccles:

Umm - umm - yeah - what is that object off the port beam?

Seagoon:

Good heavens, it's the Albert Hall.

Eccles:

Ooohhh - you've been to sea before. Hey, what's the Albert Hall doing off Beachy Head? Ainít got no lights on.

Grytpype:

More to the point is - what are we doing in Hyde Park?

Eccles:

Oh - the sea's calmer here.

Grytpype:

Mr Navigator - we are 400 miles from the sea - explain.

Eccles:

Well - nobody's perfect. Has he gone?

Seagoon:

What I want to know is - are we off course?

Eccles:

Off course - according to my special calculations we should be in Shepherd's Bush Market.

Mate:

I'm sorry about coming aboard sir - but you can't park this yacht Monday to Fridays even days and night time.

Moriarty:

Constable - how would you like to join the Kensington Round Pond police?

Mate:

There's no such force.

FX:

[Splash]

Moriarty:

You're the first!

Mate:

Thank you Sir.

Moriarty:

Full speed ahead to the Mediterranean.

Omnes:

[Shouts - sort of singing]

Greenslade:

We are happy to announce that one of the stolen instruments has been recovered... and so Dishonoured Part 3. In the Mediterranean - and this is where the story really starts - in the Med the second blow fell. One morning Neddie was called to the ciptains cuddle.

Grytpype:

Ah Neddie - Neddie, when you came aboard I believe you deposited all of the gold in the care of Moriarty.

Seagoon:

Yes. Why - isn't it safe with him?

Grytpype:

Perfectly safe - where ever he and his rowing boat are.

Seagoon:

The gold - the gold I stole, stolen? Which way did he go?

Grytpype:

Thataway.

FX:

[Running into distance followed by splash]

Moriarty:

Has he gone?

Grytpype:

Yes he's gone. Let's go down and divide the gold out now Moriarty.

FX:

[Link music on harp]

FX:

[Lapping water under following]

Seagoon:

Meantime I floundered alone in the Indian Ocean - unable to speak a word of the language. I swam on my back, but I just couldn't get off to sleep.

Mate:

I must ask you to move along sir.

Seagoon:

Oh - it's you constabule. I thought you were in the river police.

Mate:

That's right Sir.

Seagoon:

Then what are you doing in the ocean?

Mate:

Been promoted Sir.

Seagoon:

Congratulations.

Mate:

Thank you very much Sir.

Seagoon:

Absolutely first class, splendid.

Mate:

Got a mouthful of fish, then.

Seagoon:

Yes. Aha.

Mate:

And script!

Seagoon:

Yes. Aha ha ha. Can you direct me to India?

Mate:

Yes Sir - you just follow the tram lines Sir.

Seagoon:

And so saying - I struck out for the shore. Ten miles I swam, the last three were agony... They were over land. Finally I fell in a heap on the ground. I've no idea who left it there.

Crun:

Argh - I am Henry Crun. A tea planter in the Nilgari Hills. We are anxious to know if you need succour.

Seagoon:

Yes - just what I need - a glass of succour.

Crun:

Why don't you answer sir?

Minnie:

Hit him Henry.

Seagoon:

Are you both deaf - I told you I am weak from exhaustion. Of course - that's why they can't hear me... I'm unconscious.

Minnie:

Come on Henry - you heard what he said - he's unconscious.

Crun:

Help me lift him up Min.

Minnie:

Okay buddy.

Crun:

I'll take his head and you... No no no... You go round the other side of his head.

Minnie:

Okay.

FX:

[Footsteps - many...]

Minnie (off in distance):

Okay Henry.

Crun and Minnie:

[Struggling noises]

Greenslade (over noises):

While they are getting him off the ground - I Wallace Greenslade would like to take this opportunity of thanking the thousands of Wallace Greenslade Fan Clubs for their letters. Keep smiling Greensladers - and keep those cheques rolling in to old Wallace. I will be with you again next week so clickety-click TWO FOUR SIX EIGHT - WHO DO WE APPRECIATE? GREENSLADE! Now here is Dishonoured Part 4. Tied to the back of Mr Crun's car - Seagoon was towed back to Poona - but the rope broke and left him stranded in the Indian quarter of India.

Seagoon:

Yes - there is a place where a man can drink and forget his sorrows. It was there I went.

FX:

[Knocking on wooden door - two slow, five fast]

Grams:

[Indian music]

Sellers (indian):

Ah Sahib - welcome to the Burrapow Sewer Club. What does the dirt encrusted Sahib desire? All the sensuous drinks of the Orient are yours - the Palm Bidi, the scented Vishnu wine, the toddy juice, the aromatic crab pani. Which do you desire, oh wicked one?

Seagoon (thin voice):

Pot of tea please.

Sellers:

[Indian] Forbidden but I fix it. Oh, wait!

Milligan:

Gentlemen and Bombay beebees - take your partners for the European-style fan dance.

Orchestra:

[Indian music - leading into...]

Ray Ellington and His Quartet:

[Musical interlude: 2'07"]

Milligan (indian):

Thank you, common patrons. Now, the mysterious burra beebee, Oriental Queen will do the Dance of the Seven Army Surplus Blankets.

Seagoon:

Into the middle of the floor sprang a creature that set my pulses racing - as one-by-one the blankets fell to the floor - the lights went down, and as the last blanket fell from the passionate creature, I moved to her side in the dark... Oh desirable creature, what prompts you to dance in this den of vice?

Eccles:

I got to make a living too!

Seagoon:

Eccles - you're not a woman!

Eccles:

I know that! Here - but don't tell the manager.

Seagoon:

Why not?

Eccles:

We're engaged!

Seagoon:

How ever did you get here?

Eccles:

Well that Moriarty and Grytpype-Thynne fellahs - they threw me in the sea!

Seagoon:

What a pity you can swim.

Eccles:

I was glad. Here, this is a question - and this is where the story really starts - what are you going to dooo now?

Seagoon:

I'm going to clear my name and get back my self-respect.

Eccles:

Yeah?

Seagoon:

I'll - Iíll join the Navy!

Orchestra:

[Navy themes - many - run into each other - played loud and fast - finishing with Rule Britannia]

Seagoon:

No - I'll join the Army!

Eccles:

Why?

Seagoon:

It's too damn noisy in the Navy. Come Eccles, to the recruiting depot.

Eccles:

Okay.

Orchestra:

[Bloodnok theme]

Bloodnok:

Aaargh - so you two naughty men want to join the 3rd Bombay Irish eh?

Seagoon:

Aye, aye, Jock.

Bloodnok:

Now let us take the regimental oath. Open your wallets and say after me - "Help yourself".

Eccles and Seagoon:

Help yourself.

Bloodnok:

Next Seagoon - do you swear to be brave soldiers?

Eccles and Seagoon:

Yes.

Bloodnok:

Never turn a back on the enemy?

Eccles and Seagoon:

Never.

Bloodnok:

Always speak well of a lady?

Eccles and Seagoon:

Always.

Bloodnok:

And respect the chastity of a woman?

Eccles and Seagoon:

Yes.

Bloodnok:

Have we nothing in common? Still, we... We need recruits. You see, er... [aside] and this is where the story really starts [normal] the Red Bladder is raising the Pathan tribes. He's got fresh consignments of automatic swords.

Seagoon:

Where did he get the finance?

Bloodnok:

Two international crooks smuggled him a shipload of gold.

Seagoon:

Grytpype and Moriarty - so that's their game. Sir, I have a score to settle - let me go to the frontier.

Bloodnok:

Right - sign this.

Seagoon:

Neddie Seagoon. There - am I a soldier now?

Bloodnok:

I don't know - I only collect autographs.

FX:

[Door opens noisily]

Ellington:

Major Bloodnok sir - and this is where the story really starts.

Bloodnok:

What is it Muriel?

Ellington:

The Red Bladder is lighting fires all along the frontier.

Eccles:

Perhaps he's cold.

Bloodnok:

Muriel - arm the men to the teeth.

Ellington:

Impossible sir.

Bloodnok:

No arms?

Ellington:

No teeth.

Bloodnok:

Then we can't fight - hurray.

Seagoon:

Sir - I want a chance to prove I'm a man. I'll fight the Red Bladder, clear my name, recover the gold and capture Moriarty and Grytpype-Thynne. Who will ride with me?

Bluebottle:

I heard you call me my Capitan - and this is where the story really starts - enter Bluebottle - where's the sausinges - here they are.

Seagoon:

Little jug-headed bugler - blow the alarm.

Bluebottle:

That's what I say - blow the alarm. Let's play another game.

Seagoon:

This is no game little drooping seat. Get mounted lads.

Bluebottle:

Yes my Capitain. I am mountided and ready for the ride. Wait a minute - what is it in this saddule-bag?

Seagoon:

That's dynamite me'lad.

Bluebottle:

He he he! Thinks - I know what this means for Bluebottle. The dreaded deading. I don't like this game!

Seagoon:

We'll soon know the very truth. To horse!

Eccles:

Can I come to?

Bluebottle:

Tee-hee - its about time you came to. I made a little jockule.

Eccles:

Huh-ho-ho - Here - Bluebottle - heh - do you know what I'm getting?

Bluebottle:

What are you getting Eccles?

Eccles:

I'm getting a bow-wow.

Bluebottle:

Tee-he-he. I'm not getting a burned-wow - I'm getting a junior smoker's kit. Complete with toffee ashtray and licorice dog-ends.

Eccles:

I like licorice.

Bluebottle:

What colour is your bow-wow?

Eccles:

Well its the same colour as [drifts into background conversation with Bluebottle]

Seagoon:

Stop. To the Khyber Pass - Forward!

FX:

[Short gallop]

Seagoon:

Halt! And this is where the story really starts!

Bluebottle:

Oh! Look my Capitain - lookey - points cardboard finger at thousands of savage naughty men with Indian type bare chests.

Seagoon:

The Red Bladder and his 50,000 bladders. Lads - we're outnumbered twenty-to-one.

Eccles:

Twenty-to-one? Time for lunch.

Seagoon:

We've only one choonce.

Bluebottle:

What is it?

Seagoon:

Bluebottle...

Bluebottle:

Yes?

Seagoon:

Ride to the crest of that crag and signal Major Bloodnok. Off you go!

Bluebottle:

I will do this! I will! Ride the hero! Tee-he - wait a minute ... Capitaine, Capitaine? In between me and that crag is a dirty big wide chasm. With a forty foot thousand drop to the raging torrents below.

Seagoon:

Fear not shivering nut. That Arab stallion will bound the chasm like - like a wing-ed arrow.

Bluebottle:

Yes it will! Gee-up wing-ed arrow!

FX:

[Horse starts to gallop into distance - then pause]

Eccles:

[Sings to himself]

FX:

[Distant splash]

Bluebottle (distance):

You rotten swines you! You did not do the wing-ed arrow over the chasm thing... And I've been hurled into this dreaded canyon! Splat thud zowee thud and several other rock hitting nut sounds...

Moriarty:

Welcome to the Indian River Police.

Bluebottle:

I don't... Tee-hee-hee... you are the forces of evil.

Moriarty:

Sapristi!

Bluebottle:

Morinarty-man - thinks - I know how to get rid of this dynamite - Mr Morinartin - would you like a nice big long red cigar with a wick on the end to mark the ending?

Moriarty:

Thank you lad - oh thank you - that's it just light the end.

FX:

[Whoosh]

Bluebottle (distance):

Is it nice?

Moriarty:

It's gone out.

FX:

[Whoosh]

Bluebottle:

I'll light it again for you, and then...

FX:

[BANG]

Grams:

[Harry Lime theme]

Milligan:

Thought you'd like to hear it again

Greenslade:

Dishonoured Part The Last - Neddie Seagoon gives his all in battle with The Red Bladder

Grams:

[Battle noises - with shouts over]

Bloodnok:

Oh how the battle raged - I heard it all on the wireless. Seagoon fought like a mad-man. How else? But - but alas...

Grams:

[Single bugle playing slowly - continues under...]

Greenslade:

On that spot is now a little white stone.

Crun:

Yes - once a year Minnie lays flowers on it.

Minnie:

That's right - and the stone bears a simple inscription in Hindustani.

Bloodnok:

I haven't the heart to tell her, but roughly translated it says... Bombay 49 miles.

Orchestra:

[Outro]

Greenslade:

That was the Goon Show. A recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, and Spike Milligan. With the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes, announcer Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton.