From: "Steve Dale" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: The Last Tram from Clapham - Script
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THE GOON SHOW
The Last Tram (from Clapham)
Broadcast on the BBC Home Service on 23/11/54
Bill: This is the BBC Home Service
OMNES: Massed laughter.
Ned: (in paroxysms of laughter) D...did y' hear that?!
(roars with laughter)
Bill: (as laughter dies) Ah well. We present the happy-go-lucky, crazy,
zany, wacky, - Goon
ORCHESTRA: SHORT VERY STATELY THEME.
Ned: Ladies and Gentlepong, that great and moving music leads us
automatically to Tram Cars.
On April 5th 1952, London's last tram rolled into the depot. Here to
celebrate that occasion,
is a special radio documentary entitled: 'The Last Tram'!
ORCHESTRA: EXCITING THEME.
FX: ANCIENT TRAM CLANKS PAST. ROAR OF HUGE CROWD APPLAUSE.
Dimbleby (Peter): And, as I stand here on the great pavement, there goes
the - last - tram!
ORCHESTRA: GOON CHORD.
Ned: That was 'The Last Tram'. Those taking part were the Mayor of
Westminster and the
councillers, and Anna Neagle lead the Chelsea Pensioners. Also taking part
were the last
tram driver, Norris Lurker, and the conductress Madge Arthur
by Leonard Stray-Bulshine, script by William Shakespere, edited by Jimmy
additional dialogue by Geraldo, the hotel bill was by Gilbert Harding.
OMNES & FX: CHEERS, CLAPS
ORCHESTRA; OVER ABOVE: FAST, MAIN CHORUS OF 'BEYOND THE BLUE HORIZON.
ORCHESTRA; 'BEYOND THE BLUE HORIZON, AGAIN.
ORCHESTRA; 'BEYOND THE BLUE HORIZON, AGAIN - FADES TOWARD END, AND OUT
ORCHESTRA: FADE IN VERY TIRED SOUNDING 'BEYOND THE BLUE HORIZON' ON ORGAN.
Bill: Ahem. We appear to have a little time in hand before the next
programme, so here once
again is the name of the Last Tramdriver. It is Norris Lurker. (speaking
more slowly and
very deliberately) In case any of you want to write it down, it's spelled
L,U,R,K,E,R. Oh yes, the last tram was a 53a. F,I,F,T,Y,T,H,R,double,E,
Gyrtpype: Listeners, this man is a fool! The last tram was not a 53a.
The last tram was yet to come!
The drama of its revelation started with an ordinary fortynine-and-sixpenny
FX: SERIES OF WIERD SOUNDS.
Ned: Answer that phone!
Throat: Right! (FX: PHONE UP) Hello? It's for you sir!
Ned: Thank you Miss Throat! Hello? London Central Transport Board,
Redundant Tram Department, Department Head Ned Seagoon speaking
WHAT??? Nonsense! Goodbye! (FX PHONE DOWN) (shouts) Mr Cludge!?
FX: FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING THROUGH OFFICES AND CORRIDORS AT SPEED
Cludge: (snivelling) Did you so much as call me sir?
Ned: Yes! And get your tongue off my boot! Some fool just phoned up and
said there was a
tram still at large in the Highgate-Kingsway route!
Cludge: Oh but that is impossible sir. All trams have been melted down and
made into melted down
Ned: Every one?
Cludge: All except the one you're living in sir.
Ned: Wait! Look! That tram map on the wall! There's still one flag-pin
suck in it!
Cludge: Good heavens! I had never noticed it before sir!
Ned: What does it mean?
Cludge: It means sir, that there is a tram still running! According to the
flag it is a number 33.
Ned: When did he leave the depot?
Ned: He's running late! He's running TERRIBLY late! I must go and check
on this. Is my
official car ready?
Cludge: Yes, he's finished your shopping sir. Should be here in a minute.
Ned: Splendid. 'Ere the night is out, I'll have this No 33 in the sheds
and quietly melted down.
We don't want scandle, you know!
FX: DOOR OPENS
Ray: Erm, your car's ready sir!
Ned: Thank you Gladys! Now drive along the old 33 route, and hurry man!
Ray: Right. Hold tight!
FX: VERY SLOW AND TIRED HORSE CLOPS OFF (COCONUT SHELLS)
Ray: Er...giddup there! (no change to speed of horse throughout following)
Ned: She's running well tonight!
Ray: Yes, considering we've got a load of ashes onboard! Giddup there.
Ned: (terror) Take it easy you mad fool! Do you want to kill us both?
Ray: No, only you!
Ned: Good. Stop here Gladys! (FX: HORSE SLOWS TO A HALT) I want to do
down into the
Kingsway subway. Now you meet me at the other side. I'll go on foot.
Matter of fact, I'll
go on both feet!
Grytpype: The old Kingsway Tram Tunnel. Inside it was pitch black; and dark
as well. To make it
worse, there were no lights on! Luckily the tunnel was only twenty yards
wide, so Ned
Seagoon was able to stretch out his arms and feel his way along both sides!
FX: WATER DRIPPING WITH ECHO
Ned: Yes, it was very dark. Luckily I remembered a 200 ft candle I had in
my trouser pocket.
Putting in a fresh battery I lit it. And there in the candlelight,
gleaming in the darkness,
was the hulk of a long-forgotten tram! On the side I could see the
number - 33! (with
effort) Carefully I climbed aboard the rusty platform.
Henry Crun: You can't get on here, its not a request stop!
Ned: Good heavens! Driver Henry Crun! It was you who phoned! Now look
here Crun, this
tram should have been on the scrapheap two and a half years ago!
Crun: My 33 on the scrapheap? Never never! Pittlepoo! Never! Not until
you afford us our just
dues! And this is the last tram ceremony I'm talking about, and the marble
Ned: That's impossible driver Crun! Now look here, the Last Tram ceremony
is over and done
with and Norris Lurker has been presented with the marble clock. Now let's
sneak old 33
quietly back to the shed, eh?
Minnie Bannister: Henryyyy? Who's that down there?
Crun: A Civil Servant Minnie!
Min: Hit him!! Hit him!!!
Ned: Minnie Bannister? Come down off that top deck!
Min: I can't!
Min: I'm smoking! Anyway, who are you?
Ned: I'm from the Tram Depot!
Min: It's thrippence from the Tram Depot Buddy!
Ned: Now look, I must ask you both to get off this tram! I command you!
Crun: Abandon my lovely tram in mid-route!? Never! I must think of my
Ned: (unbelievingly) Mr Crun, you've been down here two and a half years!
Who would be idiot
enough to be a passenger all that time?
Eccles: Hump-de-dump-dum-dum-(hums on) Let me know when we get to my stop
Ned: Come on, get off you!
Eccles: What what what?? Me off? Do you know who you're talking to?
Eccles: You heard of the Duke of Norfork?
Eccles: Well, I'm....Eccles!
Ned: Are you related to the Duke of Norfork?
Eccles: Nope, but I had you worried for a moment!
Ned: I'm sure you had the Duke worried for a moment too! Now come on, off
Eccles: But I booked to Kingsway! Here's my ticket!
Ned: (aside) He's booked to Kingsway; curse, he's within his rights!
Driver Crun, you'll have to
take this man to his destination!
Crun: Not unless you promise us the last tram ceremony and the marble clock!
Ned: This is mutiny! This is going to lose me my job you know! It'll
mean a royal
commission,...I'll just have to speak to the governers, that's all.
Meantime, here is Driver
Max Gelgray to play a 49 trollybus!
MAX & ORCHESTRA: Music
ORCHESTRA: EXCITING THEME AS BEFORE.
Bill: The Last Tram, Part 2. A meeting of the Town and Country Planning
FX: MEETING SOUNDS
Grytpype: Next item....Blocks of flats to be built on the site of the old
Kingsway Tram Subway.
Grytpype: Yes! Of the ten thousand tenders, I have given the contract to
F. Bogg & Company.
Bowser: Isn't...isn't that your wife's brother?
FX: GUNSHOT, SCREAM
Gyrytpype: Any more questions? No? Good! Now what I would like to
FX: DOOR BURSTS OPEN
Ned: Gentlemen!! Stop the meeting!
Grytpype: Do you HAVE to burst in here? If you must burst, please do it in
a convenient place!
OMNES: (shout) GOOOOD!!!
Ned: My name is Ned Seagoon.
Grytpype: Oh yes, the horror comic!
Ned: I'm chief of the redundant tram department. I have bad news for you
all - you can't build the
flats on the Kingsway Subway!
Grytpype: Can't build?! But I've already got the drop from
the......er....aheeemmm! Er...why not?
Ned: There's a 33 tram down there!
Grytpype: Well, get it out!
Ned: I want to, I've got to, but this crew refuse to drive it until they are
accorded another last tram
Grytpype: Another ceremony?! Dear dear!
Lew (heavily jewish):As alderman, I say that them flats have got to go up!
I..I...I...I...can't sleep in Hyde Park
any longer! They gotta go up!
Grytpype: Yes yes. Seagoon; we'll do this tram ceremony; but secretly and
on the cheap! We don't
want any questions asked. Now this man does all functions at half price.
Here's his card.
Ned: Ah; right, let me see. Ah; Major Bloodnok!
ORCHESTRA: BLOODNOK THEME.
Bloodnok: Aaaughgaugha! Oooohhh! Right, Moriarty, I'll pay pontoons
Moriarty: Pontoons only?? We're playing Chess!
Bloodnok: Aughgh! I thought the cards were a funny shape!
FX: KNOCK ON DOOR.
Bloodnok: The Police!
Moriarty: Bloodnok, there are other people!
Bloodnok: Not in my life!
FX: DOOR OPENS
Ned: Good evening. I am looking for Major Dennis Bloodnok!
Bloodnok: (gulps hard) He's upstairs, dangerously ill!
Ned: Who are you?
Bloodnok: I am his identical twin brother, Fred.
Ned: Pity! I had a paid job for him!
Bloodnok: (gulps again, does quick backtrack) I'll go upstairs and see if
FX: WHOOSH! DOOR SLAMS. PAUSE DOOR OPENS.
Bloodnok: Augh! My identical twin brother Fred has just told me you wish to
see me! (greedily) Now
Ned: We want you to do 'cut-price Lord Mayor' at the Last Tram ceremony.
It must be
hush-hush, or there will be questions asked, and I'll get the sack....
Bloodnok: 'Sealed-lips Bloodnok'! Now what's the....um....
Ned: Ten Pounds!
Bloodnok: Ten!? Moriarty, phone the Mansion House!
Ned: Now remember it'll all be hush-hush, so be there at about 8.45
tomorrow night at Kingsway
Bloodnok: Yes, yes, yes. Goodbye!
FX: DOOR CLOSES.
Bloodnok: Moriarty, are you through yet?
Mariarty: Just one minute! Hello! Mansion House?
Mayor: (Lew - distort throughout) Yes, yes.
Moriarty: Lord Mayor?
Mayor: Who else?
Moriarty: Listen Gus, we want to borrow the Lord Mayor's robes for tomorrow.
Mayor: Ooh, righto, but let me 'ave 'em right back after, only Sir Winston
wants to borrow them for
a fancy-dress ball, see! Well, I gotta go now, someone wants an 'aircut.
ORCHESTRA: 'PASSAGE OF TIME' HARP GLISSANDO.
Spike: During that phone conversation, how many of you noticed that Seagoon
had gone down into
the subway again? Hm? (pause) You must watch these points!
Ned: (echo) Hello, Mr Crun? We've arranged a Last Tram ceremony. Tonight
at 8.45, in fifteen
Crun: Minnie, take the beds down.
Minnie: I can't!
Minnie: I've just got in!
Crun: Then stay in bed now that your there, and just bring my bed down.
Minnie: Which one is yours, Henry?
Crun: The one I'm not in, Minnie!
Minnie: Which one is that?
Crun: The one I'm not in, Min!
Minnie: But you're not in either of them Henry!
Cuna & Minnie: Ahhah!
Ned: Thank you Michael Janison and Nelsie Grey! Now come along, drive this
tram out of here.
Crun: I can't, there's no electricity! It's turned off....
Ned: Good heavens! I have to account for that tram! I'll have to go and
get the electricity laid
on! Meantime, here is old steam-driven Ray Ellington and his Lurgi-ridden
THE RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET: 'I can't tell a Waltz from a Tango!'
Spike: Thank you. While Mr Ellington was singing that number, how many of
you noticed that
Seagoon had gone to the Country and Town Planners? Hmm? (pause) You must
Ned: (fading in) The tram is rusted to the rails, and cannot be moved until
the electricity is through!
Grytpype: Well, we shall just have to build over it, that's all!
Ned: No no, you can't do that! I'll lose my job! I've got to account for
all the trams you know!
Grytpype: I'm sorry lad, but my job is to build those flats on Kingsway
Subway! We have to start
building or the bricks will start to perish!
Ned: (panicing noises)
Grytpype: Look, it's up to you to get that tram out of there before the
tunnel is sealed up!
Ned: What!? Before the tunnel is sealed up?! I must hurry!
Spike: Meantime at the London Passenger Transport Board, Redundant Tram
Bloodnok:(fading in) Where's that double-crossing Seagoon?! I'll give him
Last Tram Ceremony! I'll....
Secretary (Spike) I am his secretary sir!
Bloodnok: Where's his office?
Secretary: His office is in there sir!
Bloodnok: Out of me way!....
FX: DOOR SLAMMED OPEN
Bloodnok: (shouts)Now Seagoon! I've been at the subway entrance in me
robes all night waiting for that
blasted tram to come out! You're a no-good, low-down, jumped-up,
naughty man! And I'd call you worse if it wasn't for the fact that you're
(suddenly quieter) - Ah! What's this on his desk? A nice little
FX: DOOR OPENS
Office boy: (Spike) Oh, I'm sorry sir!
Bloodnok: How dare you accuse me of stealing from the petty-cash box!
Office Boy: I'm the new boy sir, I've just bought the departmental wages.
Bloodnok: I'm not interested in the (stammers as he realises what the boy
has said)........leave them here
Office boy: If you'd just care to sign here...
Bloodnok: With the greatest pleasure! (writing) Neeeed Seagoon! There.
How much did you say was
Office boy: Twenty Thousand Pounds.
Bloodnok: Oaugh! I wonder where Neddie is!
Ned: Ned, dear listeners was struggling to get electricity to the tram!
But I needed assistance!
Bluebottle: I heard you call my Capitan! Enter Bluebottle. Gives ting on
tram conductor's set, pauses
for audience sausages, not a clapper in the house!
Ned: Gad, little string-and-bone Hercules, you came in the nick of time!
Bluebottle: No I did not! I came on the Council dust-cart! Points to
portions of old fish-bones still
stuck to seat of trousers! Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-...Aee! - sharp
Ned: Little dirty pipecleaner legs! Take these electricity cables down the
Bluebottle: I will dood it my Capitain! I will! Carefully puts horror
comic in secret pocket. Picks up
electric cables. Farewell my.....(pause)....Eheehehehe! Capitain?
Ned: (condescending) What lad?
Bluebottle: Capitain? You would not turn the dreaded electrixixixixty on,
while little Blunebottle is still
holding the wires, you would not do that to your little Blunebottle, would
Ned: I give you my word as a chinese gentleman!
Bluebottle: I know my little chinese Capitaine would not lie to me! Enters
tunnel. Does dignified slow
walk as done by Alan Ladd in 'The Black Knight' but effect is ruined by
hanging on trousers!
Hairy Workman (Harry): Where's that lad going?
Bluebottle: Ooh, hello Mr Workman!
Workman: What're you doing down here?!
Bluebottle: This is a good game, isn't it? Hee-hee!
Workman: You can't hang about here while we're
Bluebottle: Oooh, that is a rude naughty sign! Moves away from rough
Workman: Go on, be off or I'll bang you with this shovel! I don't know
what's going on here, I don't!
Jock: (Peter) What is me darling boy?
Workman: Connect up the electricity!
Jock: Darling boy, it's not on; it's not through yet!
Workman: Oooh, these flats will need lighting y'know; there should be a
through. Throw the switch anyroad.
FX: CLANK OF SWITCH. GIGANTIC SHORT CIRCUIT THROUGH BLUEBOTTLE!
Bluebottle: (scream, scream, scream, scream!) You rotten workmen swine you!
You have deaded me
with the dreaded electric voltages! Look, my beautiful nut is all singed!
Points to badly
blackened bonce, Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot! Thud! Sound of earhole
Workman : You shouldn't be down here while we're working! Now be off with
you before I fetch you
one with this shovel!
Bluebottle: I shall tell my teacher Miss Cringingdrawers about you! I
will! You just wait till she gives
me back my cardboard atomic raygun! You will writhe in agony as the
FX: SOUND OF SHOVEL HITTING BLUEBOTTLE'S HEAD.
Workman: You asked for that!
FX: SHOVEL HIT
Bluebottle: So did you! Heeheheh! Eehehehe! I have revenged the honour of
the Bluebottles! Exits
left in blackened rags, flattened bonce, loose knees and spare shins in
Ole! Exits left on Corporation sewage cart - Poo!
Workman: I don't know what's going on down here, I really don't...
Bill: Pardon me, I'm from the BBC...
FX: SHOVEL HIT
Workman: That's for the TV programmes you give us!
Bill: You rotten devil you! You hitted poor little Wallace Greenslade with
a shovel; nearly
dedding me! Points to lump on crust, Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot!
Bluebottle: Greenslade, you swine you! You're pinching my lines! I'll
get you at playtime with a
Bill: I'll tell me dad!
Ned: What's going on down here?
Bill: Oh sir, the BBC have just heard about the new last tram ceremony, and
would like to
Ned: No, you mustn't! It's supposed to be secret!
Bill: Oh don't worry sir, no-one will hear it, it's on the Home Service!
Ned: Oh, thank heaven for that. Right well, you'll find the reception
committee waiting at the far
end of the tunnel. Now I'll go down and get Mr Crun going.
ORCHESTRA; 'BEYOND THE BLUE HORIZON, AGAIN - QUICK FADEOUT AFTER SECOND
Spike: Just thought you'd like to hear it again!
Crun: (fades in) Nggngh, Nnnnghghgh, are you all packed Minnie?
Min: Yes, I'm in my box Henry!
Crun: I'll just put the lid on.
Ned: (approaching) Ah, Mr Crun!
Min: Hit him!! (FX SHOVEL HIT)
Ned: Oooh! Give me that shovel! Now look here, the electricity's back on,
so start driving her
out. We've only got five minutes to get the ceremony over before the
builders seal the
Eccles: Ooh good, don't forget to put me off at Kingsway because when I get
HIT)...I've got a lot of things to do there and.....(pause) ...OWWW!
Ned: Now shut up!!
Crun: Hold tight!
FX: BELL DINGS
Bill: Stop, stop, stop Mr Seagoon, there's no-one at the entrance to the
subway at all!
Ned: No last tram ceremony?
Bill: No, no!
Minnie: Hit him! (FX SHOVEL HIT)
Ned: Oooh! Look here, committee or no committee, I'm driving this tram
out! Jump on
Greenslade - on second thoughts, jump on the tram!
FX: TRAM STARTS UP AND GETS FASTER AND FASTER UNDER THE FOLLOWING:
Ned: I'll show them Ned Seagoon's the master!
Bill: You're Ned Seagoon?! I think I should mention there's a Black Maria
waiting at the
entrance for you!
Bill: Absconding with the departmental wages!
Ned: (panic) Stop the tram! Crun, how do you stop the tram??....
Min: Hit him!
FX: SEVERAL SHOVEL HITS OVER NED PANICING AND THE TRAM GETTING
FASTER AND FASTER...
ORCHESTRA: INTERRUPTS ABOVE - HUGE GLISSANDO DOWN INTO GOON GALLOP, UP THEN
Bill: That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellars,
Harry Secombe and
Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Gelgray. The
conducted by Wally Stott, script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan, the
Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton!
ORCHESTRA: UP THEN PLAY TO END. JOINED BY MAX GELGRAY TO PLAYOUT WITH