The Greatest Mountain In The World

by Spike Milligan

Series 4, Episode 23, Broadcast 1 March 1954

Orchestra:'Only A Rose'
Sellers: (sings accompanied by Orchestra) I bring along, a smile and a song, for anyoooonnnnnnnne
Seagoon: (American accent) Yes, it's song time with Webster Snogpule
Sellers: (sings accompanied by Orchestra) Only a rose, for youuuu
Greenslade: Once again welcome to 'Your Song Parade', half an hour of glorious musical boredom with songs that your mother loved and everyone else hated
Sellers: (Irish accent) Thank you, Dennis Main, tonight I have included in my repertoire Schubert's violin sonata, guest soloist Billy 'uke' Scott. And now request spot; my first request comes from Jack Blonger, a two-headed Mongolian criminal tram driver who is under treatment for the dreaded emulsion of the legs and the green lurgi. Cheer up Jack, I'm alright. And here is your song, and it's called...
Sellers: (accompanied on piano singing): One loan, to be my own, alone my love, to find your caressing, songs divine, and you are mine, I wonder how my love
Grams: Explosion followed by metal hitting ground
Greenslade: We regret to announce the sudden death of the well-known BBC tenor Webster Snogpule, the programme and the death were recorded, the next programme follows in one second
Seagoon: Here is the next programme
Sellers: With Patrick Sellers, Isaac Secombe and Tom Milligan we present
Seagoon: The Greatest Mountain in the World, or...
Orchestra: Dramatic chords
Seagoon: I knew Fred Crute, or...
Sellers: (high voice, maybe early Bluebottle) The Greatest Mountain in the World
Orchestra: Dramatic introduction
Greenslade: This story opens in the basement of a disused fish-squirting factory. There, during a meeting, being held by the Royal Geographical and Archaeological Society a member is concluding his speech.
Milligan: (fade in) He's got one digging, one covering up, and one looking for fresh places, and that's how King Tutankamun's Tomb was discovered, I thank you
Sellers: Thank you, Sir Marty Mahweeler
Milligan: I don't wish to know that
Sellers: And now pray silence for the right and left honourable Sir Hairy Seagoon, President of the Yong-Tid-Tiddle-I-Po, Honorary Parole Prisoner and twice winner of the Dartmoor Escape Medal
Seagoon: Thank you, gentlemen. Members, in view of Sir Edmund Hilary and Tiger Tenzing's great achievement last year, I have decided to go one better. I intend to climb the highest mountain in the world.
Sellers: (politician voice) But it's already been climbed
Seagoon: Ah ha ha, your thinking of the one Hilary and Tenzing climbed. Well now, I have news for you, I have discovered a higher one
Sellers: What is its name?
Seagoon: Well, I can't keep this mountain a secret for ever, it's bound to leak out eventually. I'll tell, and you're the first men to hear it. It's called (dramatic voice) Mount Everest.
Singhiz Thingz: Silence, silence there. But the mountain has already been climbed, hooray.
Seagoon: Climbed? Climbed? By whom?
Singhiz Thingz: Hilary and Tenzing
Lakagee: My goodness, man
Seagoon: So, they climbed Mount Everest as well. What a dirty trick! Never mind, I will not be defeated by this dishonest strategem. I will find a higher mountain
Milligan: (politician) Laughs wildly pronouncing each laugh individually, And where are we going to find this higher mountain?
Seagoon: Where? Well, I, er...I'll, er.....
Ellington: Boss, boss
Seagoon: What Ellington?
Ellington: Why don't we build a higher mountain?
Seagoon: Build our own mountain
Ellington: Yeah
Seagoon: What rubbish, get out!
Grams: Door shuts
Seagoon: Has he gone?
Milligan: Yes
Seagoon: Good. Gentlemen, I have a brilliant idea, why don't we build our own mountain?
Minnie Bannister: Bravo buddy, yeah buddy
Seagoon: Thank you, buddy
Minnie Bannister: Okay, buddy
Seagoon: Yes. Now where will we build this mountain?
Crun: incoherent ummmmms
Seagoon: Yes, Mr. Crun?
Crun: I think we should build it in Hyde Park
Seagoon: Why Hyde Park?
Crun: Well, it's handy for the buses and shops
Seagoon: Hyde, er...yes...Hyde objections?
Milligan: Ohhh yes! If we build this mountain on England, England would sink under the weight
Seagoon: Sink? In that case, this mountain would be invaluable, people could climb up the side and save themselves from drowning
Milligan: Mercy, you're right. Hurry and build it, before we all drown!
Seagoon: Splendid. Who will second Mr. Crun's idea?
Crun: I will
Seagoon: Anyone else?
Crun: Yes, me
Seagoon: Excellent. Mr. Crun, your idea has won support
Crun: I thank them, (sings) I walk in the shadow
Seagoon: Yes, I can see that. On Monday then we start cleaning Hyde Park. Failing that we start on Monday. If not, in Hyde Park on Monday. Meeting adjourned
Orchestra: Dramatic link
Grams: Bulldozer sounds
Greenslade: Work began, and a great area in the park was cleared. The method was very simple, one digging, one filling in and one looking for fresh places.
Seagoon: Foreman Scrumply!
Scrumply: jovial laughter, country farm fashion
Seagoon: Glad to hear it. Now, did you drain the water from the Serpentine?
Scrumply: Arrrr, an' we filled it in with solid concrete
Seagoon: Concrete, good. That's very good!
Eccles: (singing as he enters) Oh what a beautiful morning, oh de dum de dum de dum, be my love, when would your princess be burning, oh what a beautiful morning
Seagoon: Eccles, what are you doing?
Eccles: Having a good time
Seagoon: Having a good time? How did you get that lump on your head?
Eccles: I just dived in the Serpentine
Seagoon: Dived in? You know it was solid concrete?
Eccles: No, but I know now. In any case, I wouldn't dare dive in a pool with water in it?
Seagoon: Why not?
Eccles: Can't swim
Crun: Oh, hello Lord Seagoon
Eccles: Hello
Crun: Look, look what I've got in this little box
Seagoon: Oh, it's a little lump
Crun: Yes, a lump. I'll put it on the ground, there. Now, I'm going to make a mountain out of that
Seagoon: What is it?
Crun: (laughing to himself) A mole-hill (Eccles joins in laughter)
Grams: Lorry noises
Ellington: Anyone about here?
Crun: Yes, us
Ellington: What are you three laying down for?
Crun: A very good reason
Ellington: What's that?
Crun: You've just run over us
Ellington: Um, are you Mr. Crun?
Crun: Only just
Ellington: Well, this parcel on my lorry is for you
Crun: Oh. That will be the mole for my mole-hill. Come on, help me lift it down
Fx: Box being moved (Henry and Eccles struggle with it)
Crun: Good grief, it weighs a ton. Now, let's get the string cut. Eccles, the scissors
Eccles: Okay, here we go
Fx: String being cut behind eccles speaking
Eccles: Oh de dum de dum de dum, a snip there, a snip there, and a bit there, and a bit there, and a bit there, and a bit there, and a bit there. How's that?
Crun: Very good, but I didn't want a haircut
Fx: Box being opened
Seagoon: Ah, here he is, the mole
Eccles: Oh yeah, look at him, he must be hungry
Crun: Yes, here boy, here's a nice worm for you
Eccles: (Gulps) Thanks, any more?
Seagoon: You idiot Eccles. That was for the mole ya soft...
Grams: Lion roars
Seagoon: I say, are you...are you sure he is a mole?
Crun: Of course he's a mole, look here's the letter: 'With Love to our dear British friends from your pals the Egyptians', there!
Seagoon: Hmmm
Grams: Lion roars
Crun: If you don't believe me read the label around his neck as proof
Seagoon: Alright, yes, it says: 'L I O N', hmmm, 'L I O N'? Mole? 'L I O ...
Crun: Well, what does it say?
Seagoon: (shouts in fear from a far distance) Lion! It's a lion!
Crun: Oh, you silly man you. Ellington, do you think it's a lion?
Ellington: (shouts in fear from a far distance) Yes!
Grams: Lion roars during following speeches
Crun: Ahhhhhhh!
Eccles: Oooooooooooh
Crun: Nice pussy! Puss, puss! Pussy, wussy, puss, puss! Here pussy, eat this, it's all for you
Eccles: Put me down! Help!
Grams: Feet running away into the distance
Greenslade: The Greatest Mountain In The World, end of Part One. Ices, chocolates and Max Geldray

Max Geldray and Orchestra - 'Carnivalite'

Sellers: The Greatest Mountain In The World, part Two. Now read on.
Greenslade: Having escaped from the lion, work went ahead on building the mountain. Then, when it had reached a height of ten thousand feet, disaster. At midnight, Crun was awakened
Seagoon: (strained voice) Pardon me, is this your mountain, sir?
Crun: Yes, I am part owner of it
Seagoon: It will have to come down, you know.
Crun: What?
Seagoon: It will have to come down. It will have to be dismantled
Crun: But...What? Who are you?
Seagoon: Facts: male, name Bogg F, secretenant ministry of works and housing, section 9: 'No mountain weighing more than 8 pounds 10 ounces and measuring more than 20 feet may be built within a radius of Nelson's Column.'
Crun: What are you going to do?
Seagoon: Well, I'll just put these little sticks at the base of the mountain and light the fuses, ay.
Fx: Match being lit
Crun: Is that all?
Seagoon: Yes, that's all, thank you. Well, I'd better be going now
Crun: Well goodnight, and a Merry Christmas
Seagoon: Thank you, and a Happy New Year to you
Crun: What a nice fellow. Now what are these two red sticks he's stuck in here? Oh, there's writing on them. Er, Aaaaaaaaaah! Dynamite! Heeeeeelp! Heeeeelp! (fading away into distance)
Grams: Dynamite fuse sizzling
Eccles: Hello? Hello ho ho ho? Did I hear someone calling? (sniffs) Hmmm, something burning around here. Oooh, what a bit of luck! Two big cigars and they're both lit. Hmmm, let's see, what brand are they now? TNT brand. Hmmm, must be a new make. I'll take a puff on one. (sucks). Hmmmm
Grams: Sizzling Stops, Explosion
Eccles: Ummmm, strong! I'd better nip the other one out and save it for later.
Crun: Ahhh! The mountain's all gone! Oooooh Ellington!
Eccles: I aint Ellington
Crun: Hmmm? Oh no, you're not. Yours wipes off. Oh, it's Eccles! You're Eccles
Eccles: Yeahh, pleased to meet you Eccles.
Crun: But the mountain, blown to pieces
Seagoon: Oh, what's happened? Where's my mountain?
Crun: Gone! Destroyed! Smashed to pieces by the Ministry of Works
Seagoon: We'll call an immediate meeting of the Royal Alpine Society
Orchestra: Musical link and alpine society theme tune
Milligan: incoherent speech (such phrases as 'I have never...')
Cast: Here here, bravo
Seagoon: Well gentlemen, Lord Elpus has made it quite clear. We have no option. We have to start building another mountain in another country. I therefore call upon Major Bloodnok for advice.
Bloodnok: Ah Ha Ha! Ha Ha Ha! (grunts) Ha Ha Ha! And other disgusting noises! Gentlemen, I have the answer to this problem.
Minnie Bannister: Bravo buddy!
Bloodnok: Silence, Miss Bannister, or I'll mugle your crampons with me griff club
Minnie Bannister: Ooooooooooh!
Bloodnok: Now to biz. Mount Everest, it's 5 miles high isn't it? Yes?
Seagoon: Yes
Bloodnok: But it measures 12 miles across the bottom
Seagoon: Well?
Bloodnok: Well? All we need to do is tip Mount Everest on its side and we'll have a mountain 12 miles high
Seagoon: How do you intend tipping Mount Everest on its side?
Bloodnok: Well, isn't it obvious?
Seagoon: No
Bloodnok: Then I have another idea. Why don't we saw the top off Everest, insert a portion of some other mountain underneath, thus raising Everest another hundred feet
Seagoon: Uuuuuum, no, that would be cheating and against the International Alpine law
Bloodnok: Gentlemen
Sellers: Oooooh! Might I interpose? (Harry does a raspberry) Thank you. I know of a mountain that is higher than Mount Everest
Eccles: Oooooooh!
Seagoon: Well said Eccles
Sellers: This mountain is 33,000 feet high
Seagoon: And it's name?
Sellers: Fred. Mount Fred. There is, however, one snag. It is under the sea, 300 kilguri fathoms down
Seagoon: Well, it's worth a try, hands up those in favour.Well now gentlemen it is decided we sail on an expedition ship to locate the sunken mountain, Ellington?
Ellington: (exaggerated upper class English accent): Er, yes, dear boy?
Seagoon: Clear the decks
Ellington: At your leisure

Ray Ellington - 'I Got A Girl In Kalamazoo'

Sellers: The Mighty Mountain, part Three. Read on
Seagoon: We fitted out a magnificent expedition vessel. To make the ship safe we sent it by boat. And soon we hope to above the mighty Mount Fred
Grams: Oars in water
Crun: Lower the anchor
Eccles: Okay
Grams: Splash
Crun: Shouldn't it have had a chain attached to it?
Eccles: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it couldn't have been a very good anchor
Crun: Why not?
Eccles: It sank, didn't it?
Greenslade: Ah, Major, sir. Your secret deep sea observation bathosphere the X9 is ready to be lowered over the side
Bloodnok: Well I'm afraid we can't use it, you see there's a slight technical fault
Greenslade: What's that?
Bloodnok: The whole thing's useless. However I found another method of making false meat balls
Seagoon: False meat balls?
Bloodnok: Yes
Seagoon: Major Bloodnok, we have not come 6,000 miles out here with all this ultra-modern submarine equipment and diving apparatus equipped for deep sea mountain climbing to make false meat balls
Bloodnok: And why not?
Seagoon: Because we've come to climb the highest undersea mountain in the world
Bloodnok: Strice me dongler and hell me iron thudders, what blasted idiot thought of that?
Seagoon: You did, sir
Bloodnok: What a brilliant idea!
Ellington: Er, may I interrupt you for a second?
Bloodnok: Yes, what do you want?
Ellington: Nothing, I just want to interrupt
Bloodnok: Get out of here you naughty little boy, you! Oh, you naughty little thing!
Seagoon: Major
Bloodnok: What?
Seagoon: According to our calculations we are almost above Mount Fred
Bloodnok: Then action!
Cast: Mumbles and talks amongst themselves
Bloodnok: Men, to climb this under water giant we shall need the following: Alpine stocks, ski's, rope, crampons, crevices, grappling irons and tents
Seagoon: Tents? But this climb is under water!
Bloodnok: Thud me you're right! Include umbrellas, raincoats and Miss Myrtle Penelope Dimple
Seagoon: What's she for?
Bloodnok: I like the woman
Seagoon: How are we going to carry all the heavy equipment?
Bloodnok: Camels
Seagoon: Camels? Camels live under water? That's mad!
Bloodnok: Of course it is, only mad camels could live under water. We're in condition tonight. Do you think I am crazy?
Seagoon: Yes
Bloodnok: What a splendid judge of character this fellow is. Now what's this? Ah! Yes, provisions. Most important, paraffin cookers for cooking paraffin.
Seagoon: You can't cook under water
Bloodnok: Of course not, we shall surface for all meals, you understand. And now, how far is it to the base of the mountain? Er, get ready all you climbers! (Spike gurgles)
Seagoon: Er, how do you intend getting down to the mountain
Bloodnok: Quite simple, one digging, one filling in and one - no, no, no, I mean, er, I mean my famous fireman system, we lower a greasy pole over the ship's side and we all dive down to the mountain top and plant the British flag
Seagoon: No, no, no. That would never do
Bloodnok: What?
Seagoon: That would be a foul. You can't climb down to get to the top of a mountain. The International Alpine Club state categorically that all mountains must be climbed up to get to the top
Bloodnok: Crudge me cystern with galloping crabs, you mean we've got to climb to the bottom and then climb up again?
Seagoon: Yes
Bloodnok: (Gasps) Thud. How far is it to the very bottom?
Seagoon: Approximately 3 miles, to be exact 3 miles.
Bloodnok: Much too far to walk, everyone in the car we'll drive down. Ellington, away we go
Ellington: Right.
Grams: Car starts and zooms away followed by splash and bubbling
Greenslade: To enable the story of the underwater epic to be continued the BBC have installed microphones at the base camp of Mount Fred on the North Col and the summit. Now read on.
Grams: Car running smoothly as Bloodnok speaks
Bloodnok: Stop the car!
Grams: Car brakes as car screeches to a halt
Bloodnok: We're lost, lost! Lord Seagoon, ask a native where we are.
Seagoon: Right, sir. I'll knock on this oyster
Fx: Knocking followed by footsteps approaching
Grams: Oyster opens like a rusty door
Minnie Bannister: Yes?
Seagoon: Oh, is Pearl in?
Minnie Bannister: No, no, no. Pearl isn't in, but I'm her mother
Seagoon: Of course, you must be Mother of Pearl (laughs at his own joke)
Minnie Bannister: Yes, yes. What do you want buddy?
Seagoon: Could you direct me to Mount Fred?
Minnie Bannister: I'm a stranger down here buddy
Seagoon: You'll regret this buddy, (Minnie argues during this speech) you can't trifle with the British Empire buddy, (both go on arguing ending each sentence in 'Buddy')
Bloodnok: Come on Seagoon, stop arguing, don't argue. Get in. Drive on Ray.
Ellington: Okay
Eccles: Hey, look what I met, an octopus
Bloodnok: Well don't stop to shake hands or we'll be here all day. Drive on Ray
Ellington: Okay again
Grams: Car starts and zooms off into distance fading away
Bloodnok: He should have waited for us!
Seagoon: Yes, now we're hopelessly lost
Bloodnok: Lost! Rubbish! I know exactly here we are
Seagoon: Where?
Bloodnok: Here
Seagoon: I do believe you're right, I do believe so. Nevertheless someone must surface and see where we are. Now let me see, who shall it be, (calling) Bluebottle
Bluebottle: I heard you calling me my Cap-i-tain. I heard you call me. England expects. Sticks hand up jumper in Lord Nelson pose. Moves left stage way.
Seagoon: Bluebottle, I want you to get to the surface
Bluebottle: Okay, surface it shall be, I shall sur-face. Quickly puts on Elsie Seamen's night only bathing drawers. I am ready capitain. Pray tell me, how do I get to the surface.
Seagoon: Just grab the horn of this submerged mine
Bluebottle: Oh jolly good. (struggles and gulps) 'Ere, do not mines go off bang?
Seagoon: Of course not, do your duty Bluebottle
Bluebottle: I knew it was safe for me to do my duty Bluebottle. Moves forward over to mine. Grabs hold of horn, very gently. Ahhh, it is safe. I did not believe you at first, but now I know that...
Grams: Explosion followed by telephone ringing
Seagoon: Hello?
Bluebottle: (on other end of phone) You rotten swine, you! Oh, you have deaded me again. Oh, I say, in my prime. Farewell I say. Pushes button B. Gets money back, exits to NAAFI for tea
Seagoon: I've...I've deaded him.
Eccles: Ooooooooh!
Seagoon: I'll have to tell his mother
Eccles: Yeah, that will cheer her up, yeah
Grytpype: Lord Seagoon
Seagoon: Oh, it's Marilyn Monroe
Eccles: Oooooooooooooh! Here, here! OOoooh!
Crun: Get your hands away from me Eccles
Seagoon: Mr. Crun! How can I mistake you for Marilyn Monroe?
Crun: I got air bubbles in the seat of my trousers
Seagoon: I see
Crun: Now I've come down to tell you that the explosion has blown Mount Fred to bits
Seagoon: What? Oh, curse! The only mountain taller than Everest and wee Georgie Wood! Oh, that's ruined our chances (sobbing)
Eccles: Oh, never mind. Never mind. Never mind. Here, here, here, steady, have a cigar
Seagoon: Thanks
Eccles: It's one I got from that Ministry of Works fellow
Seagoon: Hmmmm, strong aren't they?
Eccles: Yeah
Grams: Explosion
Greenslade: We regret to announce the death of Lord Seagoon, Mr. Crun and Eccles. The programme was recorded. Good night.
Eccles: Yeah, good night folks, Have a good time.
Greenslade: You're supposed to be deaded
Eccles: No, I'm not deaded
Bluebottle: Hurry up and be deaded and then you can go home for tea
Seagoon: Yeah, come on Eccles be deaded
Eccles: No, I'm not going to be deaded
'Bluebottle:'and Eccles: argue fiercely until the music overpowers them
Orchestra: Playout theme tune
Greenslade: That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray, the Orchestra was conducted by Wally Scott , script by Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton. It is now proven that the cast were all deaded. The London Palladium is now appearing in Argyll Street, Argyll Street is also appearing there. Philip Harbon has not been properly deaded, neither has Kay Hammond. Now read on.
Orchestra: Playout theme tune

Transcription and HTML by Kurt Adkins: