The Trial of Bluebottle
by Paul F Johnson 1991, 1994


Grams : Hearts and Flowers - scratched off! 

Copper : Yes M'lud, I do remember the day well 

Pros : And what day was that then? 

Copper : The day of the crime 

Pros : Oh yes, I forgot. 

Copper : I was proceeding down North South Street 

Pros : You mean you were walking 

Copper : Yes? 

Pros : In what way? 

Copper : One foot infront of the other 

Pros : Is that usual? 

Copper : Yes M'lud if you want to move. 

Pros : I'm sorry, proceed. 

Copper : As I had said, I was walking down the street when 

Judge : (singing quietly) I'm forever blowing Bubbles 

Copper : M'lud, if you'd be so kind as to shut yer gob! 

Judge : What, what, what. Who are you?. What day is it?. Oh, sorry! Go on with the trial. 

Copper : When I came upon this spotty little twerp looking at me. 

Judge : You mean you arrested this twit for looking at you? 

Copper : Yes but he was looking at me very suspiciously 

Pros : Suspicious? As in what? 

Copper : He was looking at me through a sight. 

Pros : A sight? 

Copper : Yes. A very dangerous sight. 

Pros : A dangerous sight? In what way? 

Copper : Yes M'lud, it had a rocket launcher attached to it! 

Judge : Oh well, council for the defence? 

Defence : (snotty) What dya want? 

Judge : You to start. 

Defence : In that case, call the first witness 

Caller : Call 1st Witness. 

GRAMS : Any type of game show/idiot music 

Caller : And the first witness is Mr Dan Eccles of East Cheam, London. And what prize are you going for tonight Mr Eccles? 

Eccles : The rice pudding string in brown gravy! 

F.X. : Manic cheers 

F.X. : Hushed 

Defence : Mr Eccles, for the first part of the question, can you tell me if you know the accused? 

Eccles : Yeah I know him! 

Defence : And that's the correct answer! 

F.X. : Manic cheers, hushed 

Defence : Now the second part of the question.Where was he when the incident happened? 

Eccles : Owwwww!. The hard ones second eh?. 'Ee was with me! 

Defence : CORRECT! 

F.X. : Manic cheers, hushed 

Defence : And for the rice pudding string in brown gravy, where were you? 

Eccles : With Bottle. 

Defence : And thats the (pause) CORRECT ANSWER. 

F.X. : Manic cheers through out defence & Eccles next bit. 

Defence : Mr Dan Eccles, well done, here is your rice pudding string in brown gravy, but do you want to go on the greedy bastard prize? 

Eccles : Fine, fine, fine. Yup!. 

F.X. : Even more loony cheers, hushes after a bit. 

Defence : Now for the greedy bastard prize, Dan Eccles, can you explain the function of the cigarette lighter hole in the Citroen 2CV? 

F.X. : Clock ticking (10 secs) 

Defence : Twenty seconds left... 

F.X. : Clock ticking (5 secs) 

Defence: I'll repeat the question, can you explain the function of the cigarette lighter hole in the Citroen 2CV? 

F.X. : Clock ticking (5 secs) 

F.X. : Buzz. Ping. 

M.C. : Council for the Prosecution? 

Prosecution : There isn't one, it's easier to put the fag through the hole going to the engine and light it on the wick. 

Defence : And that is the CORRECT answer 

F.X. : Manic Cheers, dies down. 

GRAMS : Game show music plays out. 

Judge : Has anyone seen my teeth? 

Defence : M'lud, could I ask the policeman a question? 

Judge : Mmmmffffllll - weresh me teef? 

Defence : Mr Policeman. Could you tell me what you were doing in North South Street when you should have been walking in a West direction up Down Street towards Eastway North on the Junction with Towards Backwards Southdown? 

Copper : Yes, I was walking on my beat 

Defence : And your beat being? 

Copper : Sort of clump clump clump 

Defence : Only sort of? 

Copper : Well it's a bit hard to do it in this box! 

Finbar : Oooerr, snarf snarf yik. 

F.X. : Clout. Ambulance coming. Running in. Running out. Ambulance leaving. 

Defence : Well try to. 

F.X. : Walking about a bit. 

Defence : I see. 

Eccles : That's funny, so do I! 

F.X. : Clout 

Eccles : Ouch. Stop hitting me on the bonce! 

Defence : You still haven't answered my question. 

Judge : And niffer haf you. Weresh me teef gone? 

Defence : Leaving your teeth to one side M'lud 

Judge : But you cant leef them ashide iff you hafnt gottem! 

Defence : Quite. 

Judge : So where are they? 

Defence : Try in your mouth. 

Judge : Hmmf, errr, hmm, so they are!. Carry on. 

Defence : Thank you M'lud. 

Judge : Oh come on Fred, blow this M'lud stuff, lets just be formal! 

Defence : So what should I call you? 

Judge : I think M' should be fine. 

Prosecution : I think he's gone!! 

Judge : (excited) I heard that, I heard that, I heard that. (quiet) Oh bugger, I've just wet me nappy. (screams) MUTHA! 

Caller : Call for Mutha 

Mutha : What's wrong now? 

Caller : M' called for you. 

Mutha : M'lud?. Oh you mean Shirley!. 

F.X. : Heavy jogging in. 

Mutha : Shirley, what's the matter? 

Judge : I've wet my nappy. Waaaaaa! 

Mutha : There there there. Mutha will change it for you. 

Judge : Go on then! 

Mutha : I can't, not with them all looking. 

Judge : In that case, time for a commercial. 

GRAMS : "END OF PART 1" type jingle 

Commercial : Buying a new car, but can't get the money. 

Man : Yeah. 

Commercial : Then come to Instant Finance PLC Ltd.And for a meagre 47.3% APR we will lend you up to three thousand pounds subject to clearance. And that means it doesn't matter who you are. Now what is your name? 

Man : Norman Lamont. Chancellor of the Exchecor. 

Commercial : Oh bum. Sorry matey, no can do! 

Man : That's what they all say, but little do they know, I am really 

F.X. : Explosion 

Man : John Smith! 

Commercial : In that case, no chance! 

John : Damn! 

F.X. : Trudging away. 

GRAMS : "PART 2" type jingle 

F.X. : Walking out 

Judge : That's better. Now where were we? 

Defence : Right here I think M' 

Judge : So we were!. There's no flies on THIS man! 

Defence : Thank you M'. Now back to my question for Mr Police Man. Namely, why weren't you on your beat. 

Copper : The record had stopped 

Defence : Which record? 

Copper : The one which makes the sound of me walking. 

Defence : I see. So how did you come to be spied upon with the sight attached to the rocket launcher in the first place? 

Copper : Well at first it was the fact that the small spotty twit accused hurled a ball at my helmet. 

Defence : And why did he do that? 

Copper : To "see if there was a coconut under the teecosy" where his exact words. To "see if there was a coconut under the teecosy" was his exact words 

Defence : His exact words? 

Copper : Yes. 

Defence : No erms, eeks or similar wordloss or time filling in words? 

Copper : No. 

Defence : He didn't even say Nyee Hee? 

Copper : No sir, he did not. 

Defence : In that case I can only summise that you have been speaking with your mouth open again and put it to you that you are telling a bit of a whopper to the court. 

Copper : Are you calling me a liar? 

Defence : In a word, yes. 

Copper : In that case, I shall have no option but to sit in this corner and sulk for the next half hour. 

Judge : No you shan't you silly billy and if you do then I shall be forced to give you some Cod Liver Oil!!!. Now will the Prosecution please approach the bench. 

F.X. : Chair scrapes, walking - getting louder. Stops. (Quiet Fart? - "JUDGE - Oh excuse me!"?) 

Pros : M' 

Judge : M'lud to you peasant! 

Pros : Sorry M'lud. 

Judge : Do you wish to carry on with this trial? 

Pros : Yes M'lud 

Judge : And why? 

Pros : 'Cos he pushed me in a puddle - the bully! 

Judge : By he, you refer to the Defence? 

Pros : Yes M'lud 

Judge : Well then you'll have to say Defence as you can't see who you are talking about on this! 

Pros : Sorry M'lud. 

Judge : Okay then, sod off. 

F.X. : Walking away. Chair Scrapes, chair groans (wood). 

Defence : No further questions M'. 

Judge : No further questions? 

Defence : Yes. 

Judge : Is that 'yes' you have no further questions or 'yes' you have further questions? 

Defence : Yes I have no further questions. 

Judge : Yippee! Council for the Prosecution, your go. (Quieter) Now where is that blasted Mr Squeaks? 

F.X. : Squeak 

Judge : (giggles) You naughty Mr Squeaks. Noodles gonna have to niddle you! 

Pros : (aside) Gone. Gone. The man has gone! 

F.X. : 3 Squeaks, chuckles 

Pros : Mr Police Man. I put it to you that you're a Policeman of the force. 

Copper : Not talking to you! 

Pros : Now come on, you can tell me, I'm your friend 

Copper : Sure? 

Pros : Sure. Now are you a policeman of the force? 

Copper : Yes sir. 

Pros : And that you are also a human from the planet Earth. 

Copper : No. 

Pros : I'm sorry 

Copper : (Static) I am not a human. 

F.X. : Screams 

GRAMS : "War of the Worlds" intro 

F.X. : Squeaks 

Judge : Are you telling me that you are an alien? 

Copper : (Strange voice) Yes 

Judge : Then all of your evidence must be considered bollocks and therefore should be taken as truth. 

Copper : That's a bit strange! 

Judge : True, but it's how its done in Britain. 

Pros : So Mr Alien Copper. Where do you come from? 

GRAMS : (Backround) Dr Who Music (throughout) 

F.X. : Tardis arriving 

Dr Who : Polgreen - my arch enemy. Come on, your going home laddy. 

Copper : No I'm not. 

Dr Who : Either come quietly or I'll put an Arcturan mega spider down your trousers! 

Copper : Okay, I'm coming 

F.X. : Slimey steps walking out. Door shuts 

F.X. : Tardis leaving. 

GRAMS : Dr Who Music (fade) 

Judge : Now can we get back to some sort of sanity 

Pros : Not with you as Judge 

Judge : I'm sorry? 

Pros : Oh, It's not your fault, your just a bit of an old git who should have been put to pasture fifty years ago and be made a Lord, so that you can live out your last few years on that life support system and do some good! 

Judge : Are you saying I'm mad? 

Pros : In not so many words! 

Judge : Alright then, how many words? 

Pros : One. Yes. 

Judge : Well in that case, woof, I'm going to have to hang you, grrr woof, and then smarty smarty smarty peng noowong ruff ruff! 

F.X. : Swear beeper 

Caller : 'kin hell!. Call the loony bin, he's finally flipped. 

Judge : And then I'd release the Milton Keynes Eleven, make Drink Driving legal, make joining CND and one of the forces compulsory 

Defence : Sounds perfectly fine to me! 

Caller : Bloody masons 

F.X. : MASSIVE Hush sound! 

F.X. : Pin dropping (Wheeeeeee clunk) 

Caller : Call the new judge. 

Caller 2 : The new judge. 

Caller 3 : Which new judge? 

Caller 2 : Any new judge!. 

Caller 3 : Will Judge Numpty do? 

Caller 2 : No, too much a git. 

Caller 3 : How about Judge Sweatball 

Caller 2 : No, he's mad 

Caller : Aren't they all! 

F.X. : Laughs up & down corridor 

Caller 3 : What about Judge Dredd 

Caller 2 : No, he's a comic character 

Caller 3 : Judge Marx? 

Caller 2 : Too old. 

Caller 3 : Judge Kryptonite? 

Caller 2 : Too smelly. 

Caller 3 : Judge Rigamortis? 

Caller 2 : Too stiff. 

Caller : As the actress said to the vicar 

F.X. : More laughs up & down corridor. 

Caller 3 : Judge "Rabid Dog" Smith 

Caller 2 : Perfect. 

Caller 3 : Call Judge "Rabid Dog" Smith 

Caller 2 : Judge "Rabid Dog" Smith 

Caller : Judge. Hold on, we've got this the wrong way about!. I call the judge and it goes down the line. 

Pause 

Caller : Call Judge "Rabid Dog" Smith 

Caller 2 : Judge "Rabid Dog" Smith 

Caller 3 : Judge "Rabid Dog" Smith 

Caller 3 : (whispering noises) (pause) 

Caller 3 : He's got indigestion 

Caller 2 : He's got indigestion 

Caller : He's got indi (pause) WHAT!. Oh bum. Court adjurned until tomorrow when Judge "Rabid Dog" Smith has got over his indigestion. 

Man : It's all rather confusing!!!!. 

Announcer : We return you to the chamber.... 

F.X. : Toilet flushing 

Man : What you doing here? Go on, sod off! 

F.X. : (fade in) Courtroom noises. 

Caller : All rise for the Judge. 

F.X. : Scraping of thousands of chairs (speed up towards end) 

Judge : Thank you. Now what do you want? 

Pros : We want the accused to be pro qatored vin dialistical frodsumian in the brief of a junkaw duz vanquibble der vercos plus soir. 

Judge : And what's that in English? 

Pros : Hung. 

Judge : Hung? What for? 

Pros : Shall we just say that he's been a bit naughty? 

Defence : Objection M'lud. 

Judge : Who's that twit? 

Caller : He's the Councillor for the Defence. 

Judge : Defence? Defence? Defence of what? 

Caller : Defence of the accused. 

Judge : Oh. What a strange trade. Young twit for defence 

Defence : M'lud 

Judge : Watch it pal or I'll have you 

Defence : (indignant) What for M'lud? 

Judge : For calling me names! 

Caller : I don't believe that the Defence was calling you a name 

Judge : Yes he was! 

Caller : Stanographer, read back what you have written. 

Stanographer : Pros Hung Silly Twit Objection Names Was. Sorry, I'm not very good at this am I? 

Defence : Objection 

Judge : You stay out of it! 

Pros : M'lud, If you would just... 

Judge : Either shut up or I'll have the lot of you shot for disobedience. 

Pros : (hushed) Oh god, not another one. 

Defence : (hushed) Jees, why can't we get a proper judge not some senile old fart who doesn't know his arse from his elbow!. 

Judge : (annoyed) Right. Shut, shut, shut up or I'll have the lot of you hunhhhhhh 

F.X. : Collapse, clunk, dead. 

Defence : I think he's died. 

Pros : Good thing as well. 

Defence : How about a bit of you know? 

Pros : You know at know Where? 

Defence : Yes. You know at know where with know how and when. 

Pros : And when? 

Defence : Now!! 

F.X. : Lots of laughs. 

Caller : Call for the undertaker. 

Caller 2 : Call for the undertaker 

Caller 3 : The undertaker 

Undertaker : Call for me. 

Caller 3 : I already am. 

Undertaker : (very poor Cockney) Okay matey, what's the problem? 

Caller 3 : I don't know. I'll ask. 

Caller 3 : Call what's the problem? 

Caller 2 : Call what's the problem? 

Caller : Call that the judge has kicked the bucket, bereffed of life, he rests in piece, he's a stiff, he's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisibule, if we move him quick, he can be pushing up the daisys instead of making a bit of a niff. 

Caller 2 : Call I think he's snuffed it. 

Caller 3 : Call I think he's a dead. 

Undertaker : Then you don't want me. 

Caller 3 : You are an undertaker? 

Undertaker : Yes. 

Caller 3 : Then it is you we need. 

Undertaker : So it is!. 

Caller 3 : Can you help? 

Undertaker : What sort of stiff is he? 

Caller 3 : Call what sort of stiff is he? 

Caller 2 : Call what sort of stiff is he? 

Caller : Call back the dead sort. 

Caller 2 : Call the dead sort. 

Caller 3 : Call the dead sort. Oops, sorry mate,the dead sort. 

Undertaker : Best type!. 

(Carries on making inane conversation) 

Announcer : Meanwhile back in the courtroom.... 

F.X. : Courtroom noises, farts, burps, coughs, gunfire, screams, running water etc etc etc 

Pros : I say Jeremy. 

Defence : Yes Sidney? 

Pros : I'm not enjoying this part at all 

Defence : I know what you mean ducky!. I mean it's so humiliating. 

Pros : Sorry? 

Defence : Well look at the way in the last part the author ridiculed the British Legal system with the loony judge and the alien copper. 

Pros : What's wrong with that, it's satire. 

Defence : What's Satire? 

Pros : It's what goes on the corner of a car!! 

F.X. : Titters. 

Defence : Oh very good. Hold on a mo' though. 

Pros : What? 

Defence : I think that the author has been writting in an extra bit for us to be doing. 

Pros : Just like him, I suppose. 

Defence : Isn't he supposed to be writting the conversation between the Undertaker and one of the callers? 

Pros : That's what I thought!. 

Defence : Well he ain't. 

Pros : I have a cunning plan.... 

F.X. : Whispers (speed up) whispers (normal) whispers. Stops. 

Defence : Right, I'll go first. 

Pros : Okay, Step One. Undo trousers 

F.X. : Five or six gun shots 

Defence : Done. 

Pros : Step Two, Pull down trousers 

F.X. : Creaks and bats flying out 

Defence : Doned 

Pros : Step Three, Pull down grunties 

F.X. : Creaking, snaps, crashs 

Defence : Done 

(pause) 

Defence : Doesn't seem to be doing much. 

Pros : I can't understand it. It used to work on 

(gulp) Oh dear. 

Defence : What? 

Pros : I forgot. 

Defence : Forgot what? 

Pros : This is an audio and not a visual production!!! 

Defence : Never mind darling. 

F.X. : Giggles (fade out) 

Announcer : And now for a commercial break 

F.X. : Crack (breaking noise) 

Voice : Ouch!. Call an ambulance!!! 

GRAMS : Any Stock/Aitken/Waterman backing record (all the way through) 

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David Jensen : YES, 100 records for only 6.99 on record or tape and 10.99 on CD for the fourpack disc set. A bargain indeed for once you have listened to one track, you can make something useful out of them like plant pot holders, earrings or computer data tapes. 

David Jensen : A great gift for people who you can't abide or the deaf. Available now on PWL records. 

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GRAMS : Record fade out. 

Announcer : Part 2 of Part 2. That's rather good isn't it! 

Caller : Call for Judge Crunn 

Caller 2 : Call Judge Crinn 

Caller 3 : Call Judge Crint 

Minnie : (off) Henerey. Henry Crunn, Hen buddy,they want you. 

Henry : Yes mnk (mouth noises) mnk. What do they mnk want? 

Minnie : I don't know buddy 

Henry : Eh? Who's this, mnk, buddy? 

Minnie : I don't know 

Henry : Then why did you bring him up? 

Minnie : Bring who up Henry Crunn? 

Henry : Buddy! 

Minnie : Who's this Buddy? 

Henry : I don't know, you silly needle naddle noo of a woman! 

Minnie : Don't you talk, don't you talk to me like that Crunn! 

Henry : I can't help it, it's the only way I know!!! 

Minnie : Well its just not good enough 

Henry : Sorry Min. (pause) Minnie? 

Minnie : Yes Hen? 

Henry : What did you want? 

Minnie : I don't know Henry! 

Henry : Well you should do 

Minnie : Should do what? 

Henry : Know Henry. 

Minnie : But I do know Henry! 

Henry : Well who is he, eh? eh? who mnk is he then? 

Minnie : He is you, you twit. 

Henry : Fine, fine, fine 

Eccles : Here, that's my line you twit 

Bottle : And that's my catchphrase you rotten swine! 

Caller : Call for Judge Crunn 

Caller 2 : Judge Crunn 

Caller 3 : Judge Crunn 

Henry : Ohhhhh!, they want me Min 

Minnie : You'd better go then 

Henry : Okay Minnie. 

F.X. : Jogging - slow start - get faster - faster - faster - pop 

NASA : Mission Control Here 

Yank : Go ahead Mission Control 

NASA : We have an unidentified object coming towards you 

Yank : Yes I know! 

NASA : How did you know? 

Yank : It's just knocked on the door and asked how far it is to Court number 2 

Man : It's all rather silly really...... 

GRAMS : Fade in Court Room Noises 

Caller : All rise for Judge Crun 

Henry : Hello everybody. Now what's going on here then? 

Pros : M'lud, it's the Trial of the Crown against Bluebottle 

Henry : Can I see this? 

Pros : I don't know M'lud. 

Henry : So much for law school! 

Defence : M'lud, have you not read your brief yet? 

Henry : Don't be so silly. I've got them on! 

Pros : (off) My life! 

Henry : Alright then, get on with it. 

Defence : I'm sorry M'lud, we can't 

Henry : And why mnk is that? 

Defence : For reasons of security 

Henry : What, mnk, what, what, what do you oooooooooh mean security? Eh, eh, tell me that eh 

Min : Henry, Stop that at once, d'you hear me? 

Henry : Sorry Min, it's this loon of a man mnkk 

Min : What's up Hinny Hen? 

Henry : He keeps going on about security. 

Min : Ask him why 

Henry : Okay Min. (clears throat) Mr Defence Councellor 

Defence : Yes M'lud 

Henry : Ooooh Min, did you hear that? 

Min : What buddy? 

Henry : He called me "M'lud" 

Min : Isn't that nice of him Hen?! 

Henry : Yes, wasn't it. Now Mr Defence, what did you mean by security 

Defence : M'lud, I mean't that by security, that we don't want any Tom Dick or Harry to know what is going on 

Henry : But I'm the judge 

Defence : Well woosal my gribbling scrobs, you are!. 

Henry : Then, will you kindly mnk let me know what is going on? 

Defence : No, you should have been reading the script. 

Min : He couldn't 

Defence : And why not? 

Min : Because he was in the bath 

Defence : And what was he doing in the bath 

Henry : I wasn't doing anything in the bath you spon! Now can we get on? 

Defence : Well, it is the Prosecutions turn, I suppose. 

Henry : Mr Prosecution? 

Pros : Yes M'lud? 

Henry : Get on with it. 

Pros : I shall. M'lud, if it would please you,I shall call my second witness. A Group Captain Bigglesworth 

Henry : Well it wouldn't. 

Pros : And why not? 

Henry : I don't know, I just felt like saying that! 

(giggles) 

Caller : Call for Group Captain Bigglesworth 

Caller 2 : Group Captain Bigglesworth 

Caller 3 : Group Captain Bigglesworth 

F.X. : Heavy, quick step to court room. Door opens, 5 steps, up stairs, step, stop. 

Police : Please raise your right hand, lower your left knee, dot your eyes, fold your legs along the dotted lines, put your left hand on the Bible and say after me 

Biggles : After Me 

Police : Isn't that an old one, Christ, the author must be scrapping the bottom of the barrel for that gag!. I think we should have a break 

GRAMS : Commercial break music 

Announcer : We were going to have a break here, but due to the fact that the author has run out of ideas for big breaks, we are going to have a number of shorter ones 

(Terry's All Gold Spoof) 

GRAMS : Terry's All Gold chocolates music. 

SINGS : See the face you love light up with Terry's Blow Torch! 

F.X. : Whoosh! Burns, crackles, pops 

GRAMS : Music fade 

(Cinema Spoof) 

GRAMS : Arny Swartzenager type action music (Very gung ho!) 

TRAILER VOICE : Coming soon to a theatre near you, Arnold Swetty Knickers stars in "The Return of the Hammy Acting with no storyline but great special effects III". See as he races through the streets without a stunt double, cry as he looses his best friend in a nuclear conflict of interests, ponder how he will defeat the whole Russian empire armed with only a medium range 50 mega tonne nuclear device, a couple of rocket launchers, 60 Oozy 9mm guns, a buretter and a small fruit knife and laugh as he tries to say more than three lines without fluffing it. 

Trailer Voice : Arny Sweatty Knickers is CRAP. See him soon. Only at a cinema near you NOW. 

GRAMS : Music fade in a very weak cressendo. 

(Curry Ad) 

GRAMS : Sittar Music 

Indian : Don't let the bottom fall out of your world. No, come to us and order a Special Chernobyl strength Vindaloo and soon you will feel like the world has fallen out of your bottom!! 

GRAMS : Sittar music screws up, fade. 

Announcer : Now wasn't that fun! 

GRAMS : Return type music. 

F.X. : Courtroom noises - fade to "Ying Tong Song" - end explosion - fade back to courtroom noises - fade out 

Pros : You are Group Captain Bigglesworth? 

Biggles : I am 

Pros : Well, in that case could you tell me were you were on the night in question? 

Biggles : I can't 

Pros : And why not? 

Biggles : My movements of that night are strictly protected under the Official Secrets Act. So as you can see, I cannot divulge what I was doing but I can catagorically say that I deny anything about Algy, Ginger, Bertie and Myself with regards to a pound of lard, three Mackerals, two whips, a naked sheep and the Polariod camera. It wasn't me and it can't be proved, besides, Algy was ill that night. Bugger. 

Pros : Quite, but what can you tell me about his case 

F.X. : Shuffles, scrapes, pulls out something heavy 

Biggles : Well it's brown and made of leather 

Pros : And that is the correct answer! 

Bottle : Neccles? 

Eccles : Yakakakakalboo, Yes Blunebottle? 

Bottle : Eccles, isn't this supposed to be my game? 

Eccles : Yeah, I thought so 

Bottle : Then why haven't I had a go yet? 

Eccles : 'Cos it's not your turn yet, now shut up or we'll get yelled at 

Bottle : Nokay yeccles. 

Pros : So you believe that Blue Bottle is incapable of this act 

Biggles : Certainly, at least so long as his eyes are dotted and his tees are crossed! 

Pros : No further quistions, quoshtons or questions M'lud 

Caller : Council for the Defence 

Defence : M'lud, if I may approach the bench 

Henry : Why? 

Defence : Then I can see the witness better! 

Henry : Okay, Minnie 

Min : Yes Henry 

Henry : Untie him Min and get those sinful tigers off his naughty neck 

Min : Okay buddy, here pussies 

F.X. Tigers, chains being broken 

Min : He's free now, but just watch it buster! 

F.X. : Footsteps, stops 

Defence : You are Group Captain James T. Bigglesworth erstwhile of the late Royal Air Force as opposed to the Robbing Arabian Farters? Just reply "Yes" or "No" 

Biggles : Yes or No 

Defence : And shall I put it to you that you fly a plane? 

Biggles : Yes 

Defence : Alright then, you fly a plane. Now I have here a certain piece of white paper and on it are other certain words which say certain things. Do you know what is on this piece of paper? 

Biggles : No 

Defence : M'lud, it is a piece of paper 

Pros : (shouts) Objection 

Henry : Zzzzzzzz, what, oh, mnk, yes, yes, yes, who said that eh? 

Pros : It was me. 

Henry : And what do you object to? 

Pros : The manner in which the defence is asking his questions 

Henry : And what is wrong with it? 

Pros : Well, he keeps opening and closing his mouth! 

Henry : Objection over-ruled. Get on with it. 

Defence : Thank you M'lud. Now this piece of paper is a form 13x7B214qr21d2 form. Do you, Group Captain Bigglesworth know what it is? 

Biggles : Yes 

Defence : What is it? 

Biggles : My bally wage chit. Now give it back 

F.X. : Rustle of paper, rip 

Bottle : Nyee Hee, that tore it. 

Eccles : Ha, ha ha, shurrup 

Defence : No further questions. 

Prosecution : Call for Blue Bottle 

Caller : Call for Blue Bottle 

Caller 2 : Call for Blue Bottle 

Caller 3 : Call for Blue Bottle 

Bottle : But I am already in here type here thing. 

Caller 3 : Then stop wasting my time 

Caller 2 : Well don't you shout at me like that, it's his fault 

Caller 3 : I wasn't being nasty to you, just asking for you to pass it on 

Caller 2 : Oh, sorry. 

Caller : Finished? 

Caller 2 & 3 : Yes. 

Caller : Thank god for that! 

Policeman : Please put your right hand on this book, your left knee in this hole, your right nostril in the air and your left hand in this bucket of luke warm scradge 

Bottle : Why is that mein Capitain? 

Policeman : Partly as it turns me on, but mostly because I say so. 

Bottle : Okay. (grunts - carry on during F.X.) 

F.X. : Various popping noises, squeaks, crunches, plings etc. 

Bottle : That's better. Now what's up? 

Prosecution : Up is a relative concept. 

Henry : Relative to what? 

Prosecution : Relative to my uncle twice removed and once repossessed. 

Henry : Only once? 

Prosecution : Yes. He managed to get enough exorcise 

Courtroom : Groans 

Min : Enough of those BAFTA winning jokes and get on with what ever you have to do. 

Courtroom : Cheers 

Prosecution : Bluebottle. Could you answer me a number of questions, quoshtons and quishtons. 

Bottle : Are they in that order? 

Prosecution : Yes. Now could you tell me your side of the story? 

Bottle : What story? 

Prosecution : Do you know why you are here? 

Bottle : Yes. I recieved this naughty little note what saided that I had been rotten to a sinful old policeman and that I am invited to this place for a linching party. 

Prosecution : Good. Now we have that sorted, do you know how you got here? 

Bottle : On the 47B changing at Charing Cross for the 76A. All that for only one and seven 

Min : But it's better by train! 

Henry : What is? 

Min : Dunno. The nice poster on the tube said that. 

Henry : What will they ever think of next? A talking poster. However, proceed. 

Prosecution and Bottle mumble to each other 

Voice : Meanwhile, in a small dark glitch in the 

spon...... 

F.X. : Water dripping, wind going down a tube 

F.X. : Dustbin lid falling, rubbish being spread. 

Moriarty : (singing) I lost my heart to a bottle of wine and a portion of croots and all in the Parisian palace of Idle I Po! 

F.X. : Door creaks open. Crash. Steps. Reverse crash. Door shuts. 

Moriarty : (singing) And all for the price of a piece of cheese. Oh the groob! 

Grytepipe : Ah, Moriarty. Eating enough? 

Moriarty : Sapristy Pompit. This is living! 

Grytepipe : Really?. I must try it sometime. 

Moriarty : Yes, but it could do with some more of the old tomato sauce. 

Grtyepipe : The old tomato sauce? 

Moriarty : It tastes nicer! 

Grytepipe : Good. 

Moriarty : (Eating noises) Do you want some? 

Grytepipe : Fillet of Fishbone - how nice!. Now onto the nub of my gist. 

Moriarty : How pleasant for you! 

Grytepipe : Quite. Now do you remember that policeman of the law which you accidentally hit on the bonce a few days back? 

Moriarty : Is this policeman the one which belonged to the police? 

Grytepipe : The very same. 

Moriarty : Good. What about him?. But first this... 

Grytepipe : What? 

Moriarty : This! 

Grytepipe : Yuk. What is it? 

Moriarty : I don't know. I found it at the bottom. 

Grytepipe : Well put it back. You never know where it has been! 

Moriarty : But that's the beauty. 

Grytepipe : What is? 

Moriarty : I DO know where it has been. 

Grytepipe : Good. Now back to what I was saying. The twit which has taken the rap for this crim of a crime is in the dock. 

Moriarty : And not a moment to soon! That boy did pong! 

Grytepipe : (annoyed) Not that sort of dock you French fool. I mean a dock of the legal type. Do you know what that may mean? 

Moriarty : Yes. It might mean that when you fry a goldfish for too long, a funny smell may arrive. 

Grytepipe : Really?. I sometimes wondered what that may mean!. Anyway you well oiled joker, Bluebottle in the dock could mean that he may tell the truth. 

Moriarty : Nonsense. He'd never tell. 

Grytepipe : And why not? 

Moriarty : I gave him two ounces of jelly beans not too. 

Grytepipe : I fear that it may not have been enough. 

Moriarty : And why not? 

Grytepipe : I swapped them for some liquorice. 

Moriarty : Why's that? 

Grytepipe : A little later, I asked if he liked to run. 

Moriarty : And he replied? 

Grytepipe : No. The reason being that he could never get the colours back again. 

Moriarty : A charlie! 

Grytepipe : My thought's exactly!. Anyway, I say did he want something to make him run?. He said "Yes" and I gave him the licquorice for the jellybeans. 

Moriarty : You fool, Grytepipe!. He is the backbone of the case. 

Grtyepipe : A quandry. 

Moriarty : Where? 

Grytepipe : What do you mean by where? 

Moriarty : I mean, where is the quandry? 

Grytepipe : Why? 

Moriarty : I'm still hungry. Listen to my stomach 

Stomach : (Irish, sings) I'm so full. Fully fully full. B'Jesus I'm so full! 

Moriarty : What did you hear? 

Grytepipe : A voice singing that it was full. 

Moriarty : Yes, but I have an Irish stomach. 

Grytepipe : Be quiet you foolish continental you. I am trying to think. 

Moriarty : While you do that, I'll sing a song. 

Voice : Meanwhile back at the courtroom..... 

F.X. : Courtroom noises fade in. War whoops of the Nackataki Indians, Cold batter puddings being thrown, more courtroom noises, a waltz (sped up) ending in water going down a plug hole. 

Voice : It's all rather confusing!!! 

Pros : So you are telling me that it wasn't you who took aim at the sinful alien police officer? 

Bottle : Yes. It was that rotten swine Terence Nuke. 

Pros : But why then when you were arrested, did you have a billboard with the words "I did it" written on in your woolen mit? 

Bottle : Well, Mr Nuke said to me, he said to me he did, that I could have two ounces of jellybabies if I held the poster and this funny looking pole with a cardboard tube on for him. 

Pros : I see. 

Henry : That's funny. 

Pros : M'lud? 

Henry : I can see too 

Pros : Two? Two what?. I can only see one! 

Henry : Well try opening your other eye then. 

F.X. : Creaks. Pop. 

Pros : You're right!. I can see two now. 

Defence : Can I interupt and say something? 

Henry : Alright. 

Defence : Thank you M'lud. Something. 

Pros : Fine. Now Mr Bottle,