The Rubber Train Wheels

The Rubber Train Wheels - Part One

Greenslade: Dear Listeners, picture, if you will, the scene.

A deserted railway station in Kent.

Deserted, that is, except for the 2000 commuters crowding the platform.

Seagoon: Damn, the trains are cancelled again. I can't understand why they're not running.

Willium: It's the rain you know.

Seagoon: What does the Queen have to do with it?

Willium: Not that sort of reign, mate.

Seagoon: Well, I'm in charge of the railways, but I don't know what we should do about it.


Gritpype-Thynne: Did I hear you say "Well, I'm in charge of the railways, but I don't know what we should do about it"?

Seagoon: Yes.

Gritpype-Thynne: I have a certain cure.

Seagoon: What is it?

Gritpype-Thynne: Rubber wheels. You see, the problem is, when it rains, the wheels get stuck to the track.

Seagoon: Brilliant!

Gritpype-Thynne: Sign this contract. And here. And here. And this Last Will and Testament. And this autograph book.


Seagoon: There!

Gritpype-Thynne: Splendid.

Gritpype-Thynne to Moriarty (sotto voce) I knew we'd get rid of that useless lot of old rubber. (aloud) Right Neddie, we're off to the Bahamas. A delivery will shortly be made to you of 3000 wheelbarrows of rubber.

Seagoon: Needle nardle noo!

Time passes.


Henry Bannister: (mumbling) Ohhhhh.

Min: What is it Henry?

Henry: I've stubbed my toe on this wheelbarrow.

Min: Well rub it, Henry.

Henry: Ohhhhh. That's better. We've only got, only got, mmmm, two thousand mmmmm nine hundred and mmmmm ninety eight more wheelbarrows to unload, Min.

Min: Ohhhhhhh.

Henry: (to Seagoon) Where do you want this rubber paste then?

Seagoon: You'd better offload it at the end of the platform.

Seagoon (to himself): Now how are we going to get this rubber paste onto the train wheels?

Bluebottle (strolling up) Hello my captain! (Waits for audience applause, not a sosinge)

Seagoon: Hello my lad! I have just the job for you. Do you like chewing gum?

Bluebottle: Yess, I do.

Seagoon: Good. Put this wheelbarrow load of rubber in your mouth. There. Now chew away.

Bluebottle : Thinks: this chewing gum tastes funny.


Seagoon: Good lad! Now let me have that chewing gum. Here's another load of rubber.

Time passes.

Seagoon: Right, that's the 3000 wheelbarrow loads converted into 3000 lots of expandable rubber.

Eccles: Halloooo!

Seagoon: Ah-ha! A ragged lad! Just what we need. Here, grab this expandable rubber...

Eccles :OK.

Seagoon: ...and stretch it over this steel wheel like this...


Seagoon: There! Only another two thousand nine hundred and ninety nine wheels to go! Carry on.

Bluebottle: Er, my captain?

Seagoon: Yes, Bluebottle?

Bluebottle: That wasn't really chewing gum was it?

Seagoon (laughing): No, it was rubber in training. Get it? In Training! (falls about laughing)

Bluebottle: You rotten swine you!

The Rubber Train Wheels - Part Two

Greenslade: This is the BBC Home Service. We present a new episode of The Goon Show, in which Neddie Seagoon...

Seagoon: Whatwhatwhatwhatwhat? Wait a minute. This is part two. You should have said that before part one.

Greenslade: I'm sorry, I forgot.

Seagoon: That's just not good enough! It's written right there in the script, look.

Greenslade: Yes, so it is. Shall I get on with it then?

Seagoon: Well hurry up man, we haven't got all day.

Greenslade (clearing throat): And now, dear Listeners, the scene changes to outside Buckingham Palace, where Neddie Seagoon has just emerged to cheers from the crowd.

Seagoon: Folks! Finally, folks! Helloooo folks! I have been knighted! And it's only half past three.


Seagoon: Stop!


Announcer: And here is the news. Scenes of jubilation are on display outside the palace, where Sir Neddie Seagoon has just emerged. He was knighted for services to the British Rail industry, where he single-handedly solved the problem of late-running trains, by fixing rubber tyres to the steel wheels.

In other news, the world-wide shortage of rubber continues. Most motor-cars are now having to run on their steel rims, and reports of bumpy landings are coming in from Heathrow. Sir Neddie Seagoon has now been put in charge of the Automotive Industry.

Moriarty: Curses! Did you hear that, Gritpype? There's a world rubber shortage. That rubber we sold to Neddie must be worth a fortune.

Gritpype-Thynne: Hmm. I have a plan.

Sir Seagoon: Here at a motor-car factory in East Grinstead, I am about to inspect the production line. Ah, this must be the manager. Hello, my fine fellow. Who are you?

Major Bloodnok: Ohhhh, Never mind me. Who are you?

Sir Seagoon: Sir Neddie Seagoon, here to inspect your production line.

Major Bloodnok: Do I owe you any money?

Sir Seagoon: Er, no, I don't think so.

Major Bloodnok: Ohhhh, well then, pleased to meet you. Major Dennis Bloodnok, of the Last Foot and Mouth.

Sir Seagoon: Oh, are you in the army then?

Major Bloodnok: No, I was cashiered.

Sir Seagoon: Cashiered, hey? You must be good with money then. It's such a shame there isn't any rubber for these tyres. I can't understand it at all. I've been put in charge of the Automotive Industry you know.


Gritpype-Thynne: Did I hear you say "It's such a shame there isn't any rubber for these tyres. I can't understand it at all. I've been put in charge of the Automotive Industry you know."?

Sir Seagoon: Sapristi! How did you hear that?

Gritpype-Thynne: I heard it on the radio. Do you mind if I try one of those?

Sir Seagoon: Be my guest!

Gritpype-Thynne: Sapristi! Thank you.

Sir Seagoon: They get better with age.

Gritpype-Thynne: I have a plan here to help you with the rubber tyre shortage. It will cost you three thousand horseferries.

Sir Seagoon: Three thousand horseferries? How much is that in pounds?

Gritpype-Thynne: Approximately four hundredweight.

Sir Seagoon: You must be making a fortune out of me!

Gritpype-Thynne: Not really. You paid me with a rubber cheque you know.

Sir Seagoon: Well, rubber is expensive!

Gritpype-Thynn: Hmm. This one bounced.

Sir Seagoon: Needle nardle noo!

Gritpype-Thynne: Exactly. Sign here. And here, and here. And here, on this Horseferry Exchange Rate document.

Sir Seagoon: OK.


Sir Seagoon: Right! Let's look at this plan.





Sir Seagoon: (mumbling) ...fold tab A into slot B. Tab B into slot C. Bend tab D around tab A. Ah-ha! I've done it!

Gritpype-Thynne: What is it?

Sir Seagoon: A paper aeroplane in the shape of a ship!

Gritpype-Thynne: Marvellous. I'll leave you with my two assistants. They should be here soon.

Greenslade: Meanwhile, Ray Ellington will play 'Trains and Boats and Planes'


The Rubber Train Wheels - Part Three



Henry Bannister: (mumbling) Ohhhhh.

Min: What is it Henry?

Henry: I've stubbed my other toe on this wheelbarrow.

Min: Well rub it, Henry.

Henry: Ohhhhh. That's better. We've only got, only got, mmmm, two thousand mmmmm nine hundred and mmmmm ninety eight more rubber tyres to unload, Min.

Min: Ohhhhhhh.

Min: (to Sir Seagoon) Where do you want these rubber tyres, buddy?

Sir Seagoon: You'd better put them here. Hmm, now how am I going to get these rubber tyres onto all these wheels?

Bluebottle: Appears from behind a cardboard cutout of a train in the shape of a car. Hello my captin!

Sir Seagoon: Hello my lad! I have another job for you!

Bluebottle: No, I don't think so. I don't like this game of chewing gums.

Sir Seagoon: Sapristi! No, no, little lad. No chewing gum is involved. Simply take this rubber in the shape of a train wheel, and stretch it onto this motor car wheel.

Bluebottle: I'm not going to get deaded or blown up again? My mum is tired of me getting deaded.

Sir Seagoon: Your Mum is tyred? She works in the motor industry? Sapristi!

Bluebottle: Can I have one of those?

Sir Seagoon: No, you're too young.

Bluebottle: Thinks: I'll have a Sapristi when he's not looking! Now, I will stretching this rubber like ..... this.....




He's fallen in da water!

Bluebottle: Eheew! Help, I cannot swim!


Sir Seagoon: Hold on lad! Here, catch this steel replica of a rubber inflatable lifebelt.


Bluebottle: Yew rotten swine yew! You have deaded me again! Not fair, I do not like this game.

Greenslade: And so, dear Listeners, things were back to normal. Trains were late again. Grytpipe-Thynne was rich. Rubber was once more freely available for motor car tyres, and replaced the steel replicas of inflatable lifebelts. Bluebottle was once again deaded at the end of the episode, and because the British Government was now bankrupt (not having read the small print regarding the Horseferry exchange rate), Neddie Seagoon's title was revoked.

Seagoon: Aaww! (sobs) I'm not a knight any more! I've been de-Sir-ted.

Gritpype-Thynne: It couldn't happen to a more de-Sir-ving fellow.

Seagoon: Aaargh! Enough!

Gritpype-Thynne: Now Neddie, stop crying.

Seagoon: I can't take any more, these puns are killing me.

Gritpype-Thynne: Pull yourself together. Have a Sapristi.

Sir Seagoon: Aaauuugh, I've none left! (sobs)

Gritpype-Thynne: Have one of mine.

Sir Seagoon: Sapristi! Thank you.

Greenslade: That was The Goon Show -- a recorded BBC program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington quartet and Max Gelgray. The orchestra was conducted by Bruce Campbell, script by Rob, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the program produced by Peter Eton.






Eccles: Halloooooo?

Eccles: It's dark in here. Where, um, where is everybody?

Eccles: Hallooooo?

Bluebottle: SAPRISTI!!!! Heeheeheeheehee!

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Last updated: 19 February 2007 11:37:56 p.m.
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