Hello folks of world!

This coming school year, I am going to be a senior at my alma mater, Arcadia University. As such, I am required to do a capstone project related to my studies in theater. I took this opportunity to do an original play about our friends the Goons in the form of a “fan fiction” Goon Show entitled “The Phantom of the Goons”. I’ve spent about a month on the script, and I think it’s quite funny and thought my fellow Goonatics would enjoy reading it. Any comments are welcome (unless, of course, they contain the word “horseradish”.)

I have provided annotations for some of the inside jokes about Arcadia. However, I am not at all familiar with the differences between the American and British university procedures, so if I can provide any further clarification, I’ll be happy to oblige (unless, of course, your requests for clarification contain the word “shoehorn”). Speaking of cultural differences, I apologize for not Anglicizing certain words ("programme" for "program", etc.). I'm a lazy writer and an American by habit. And speaking of laziness, there are many bits in the script which should be italicized which, though italicized in my original Microsoft Word file, are not so here because I can't be bothered to reformat the whole damn thing into HTML, with the exception of a few key phrases which I have done.


Also, you'll notice I’ve done a little bit of a crossover with ISIRTA including a short impression of short Bill Oddie and a cameo by the immortal Lady Constance DeCoverlet. As a fan of both shows, I say why not?

My script reads as follows:


Announcer: Good evening, everybody. We’ve got a good show for you tonight, but before we start, I want to ask you a couple of questions. First off, how many of you are fans of Monty Python? (audience applause) Cool. And how many of you are fans of the Beatles? (audience applause) Cool. And I guess part of the reason you like them is because you grew up with them. But do you know what the Beatles and the guys from Monty Python grew up with? No? Well, that’s what we’re here to show you. There was a radio show broadcast in England in the ‘50s that had a huge influence on the sense of humor of Monty Python and the Beatles-


Peter (Bill Oddie): Yes, the Beatles had quite a sense of humor, as we all know. “Eleanor Rigby”, very funny song.


(Greenslade ad libs annoyance- “you’re not supposed to be on yet”, “I’m trying to start the show”, etc.)


Greenslade: Anyway, there was this radio show that they listened to when they were kids. It was created by three men named- Spike Milligan, Peter Sellers and Harry Secombe. They created a radio show that was unlike anything that had ever been heard before. As you’ll see, they changed comedy forever, and it all started on May 28th, 1951 with the first episode of a show called-




(FX: Goon Show theme music)


Greenslade This is the BBC Home Service. The following program is considered unsuitable for men and women between the ages of two and two hundred. Listeners who are listening are advised to smash their radios with ball-peen hammers and then turn them off.


Harry: Don’t be silly, Mr. Greenslade. How could anyone turn off a ball-peen hammer?


Peter: I think the real question is, how does one turn on a ball-peen hammer in the first place?


Harry (music hall): I don’t know- how do you turn a ball-peen hammer on?


Spike: Buy it a drink!


(FX: ta ra!)


Greenslade: Gentlemen- gentlemen, enough of this needle nardle noo-


Harry: To name but a few.


Peter: Of course.


Greenslade: I have a program to announce.


Harry: Of course, Mr. Greenslade. We’re here to help you. Now, open this chicken and read the label inside.


(FX: door creaking open over chicken squawk)


Greenslade: The label on the inside of this chicken says, “ladies and gentlemen, The Goon Show.”


Harry: I see it’s a very well-read chicken.


Greenslade: Yes- it’s from Rhode Island.


Harry: Aha- a Rhode Island read!


(FX: ta ra!)


Harry: Now, liddies and jontleping. The story we have for you tonight has been specially adapted from an unwritten manuscript by William Shakespeare which was recently discovered on the bottom of an original hand-painted uncooked wooden shoe in Cleethorpes. It is our pleasure to present a contemporary-type mystery drama entitled-


(FX: loud, shrill female scream)


Harry: Or-


Throat: The Phantom of the Chat. (*1)


(FX: dramatic music)


Spike: Yes- the Phantom of the Chat.


Peter: Act one!


Spike: Part one!


Harry: Installment one!


Peter: Chapter one!


Spike: Section one. But first, for first-time listeners who are listening for the first time, here is a synopsis of-


Peter (Hern): What has happened in the story so far.


Harry: Nothing.


Greenslade: And now, the Phantom of the Chat, part two.


(FX: dramatic music)


Seagoon: My name is Seagoon. Neddie Seagoon. I’m a criminal justice major and a freshman at Arcadia University, and in that order. My story began on a busy evening in November two-thousand-and-spon when I was in my room in Dilworth Hall (*2), studying for an exam. Suddenly, someone entered the room.


(FX: glass breaking)


Eccles: Haaaalooooo.


Eccles: Oh, thank you. Haaaaloooo, Neddieeeee.

Seagoon: Ah, it’s President Greiner (*3).


Eccles: I ain’t President Greiner.


Seagoon: Then why are you wearing that beard? (*4)


Eccles: I’m in disguise.


Seagoon: Then why are you wearing that beard on your arm?


Eccles: I haven’t got a watch.


Seagoon: You bearded fool, you can’t tell time with a beard!


Eccles: Oh, sure I can. When I can see the beard on my arm it’s daytime, and when I can’t see it, it’s night time. (chuckle)


Seagoon: Ah, now I recognize you! You’re my room mate, Eccles.


Eccles: Yup, yup.


Seagoon: Eccles, I’ve told you not to interrupt me when I’m studying! You woke me up. Anyway, why did you come in through the window? Why didn’t you use the door?


Eccles: Why should I use the door when I have a perfectly good window?


Seagoon: Ying tong iddle i po!


Eccles: Good!


Greenslade: Ladies and gentlemen- we wish to explain that the sentence “ying tong iddle i po” has no meaning at all. And now, The Phantom of the Chat, part three.


(FX: knock on door)


Seagoon: Come in!


(FX: door opens)


Seagoon: Ah, Jennifer, it’s you, darling.


Throat: Yes, darling.


Seagoon: Any phone calls for me today?


Throat: Yes.


(FX: phone ringing)


Throat: That one.


Seagoon: Ah, thank you.


(FX: phone being picked up)


Seagoon: Hello?


Grytpype: Ned Seagoon, the criminal justice major?


Seagoon: Yes?


Grytpype: I need your help with an investigation. There was a strange occurence that took place in the Chat last night.


Seagoon: Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes??


Grytpype: Please...don’t do that. I say, a strange occurence took place in the Chat last night. Someone claims to have seen a mysterious figure creeping about.


Seagoon: A mysterious figure creeping about in the Chat? I don’t see what’s so unusual about that.


Grytpype: They say it was a ghost.


Seagoon: Who said so?


Grytpype: Professor Fred Squinge.


Seagoon: Who’s he?


Grytpype: He’s the man who said it was a ghost.


Seagoon: I thought I recognized the name.


Grytpype: What a splendid memory you have. Are you willing to help us find this ghost?


Seagoon: Of course! Are you referring to the Phantom of the Chat, the ghost of Arcadia’s first President, Bert Spon, who was murdered in 1856 and whose ghost haunts the Chat once every 15 years seeking revenge on all students and faculty?


Grytpype: Yes.


Seagoon: I’ve never heard of it. However, I’ll be happy to investigate. I’ll meet you tomorrow to discuss the details. What time should we meet?


Grytpype: Whenever you like.


Seagoon: Right. See you then!


(FX: click)


Seagoon: Oh, curse. I forgot to ask his name.


(FX: phone ringing and being picked up)


Seagoon: Hello?


Grytpype: Hercules Grytpype-Thynne.


Seagoon: Thank you.


(FX: click)


Seagoon: And so, dear listeners- to gather some preliminary information about the legendary Phantom of the Chat, I decided to consult the world’s authority on Phantoms of the Chat, ex-Major Dennis Bloodnok, who, by an extraordinary coincidence, was also my R.A. (*5)


(FX: Bloodnok theme music, various sound effects over which Bloodnok ad libs groans, yells, etc.)


Bloodnok: Ahhh! Ohoho, that’s better! I say- I must have been out of my mind! Red Bull and roast duck? I’ll never be the same again, I tell you!


(FX: knock on door)


Bloodnok: AHHHH! It’s a lie! We’re just good friends! Oak Summit(*6), apartment 301 at 4 AM? I’ve never heard of it, I tell you! I don’t care what the parole board says, she’s lying!


Seagoon: Bloodnok, it’s me, Ned Seagoon!


Bloodnok: Oh! Come in, lad. Just give me a moment to clean up. (aside) Quick, Jeeves- give that woman her money, tear up those revolting postcards and put a new carpet on the floor while I change my wig. (aloud) Come in, Neddie lad, come in, come in! C-O-M-E I-N, pronounced-


(FX: sped-up recording of Bloodnok saying “coooome iiiiiin”)


Seagoon: Thank you. T-H-A-N-K Y-O-U, pronounced-


(FX: sped-up recording of Seagoon saying “thaaaank yoooou”, door opening)


Bloodnok: Have a chair.


Seagoon: No thanks, I’m trying to give them up.


Bloodnok: Oh, well it’s just as well- I haven’t got any chairs.


Seagoon: Then what’s that you’re sitting on?


Bloodnok: It’s called a floor.


Seagoon: So that’s what one looks like! (chuckles in admiration) Gad, you rich people have everything!


Bloodnok: But I’m not rich.


Seagoon: Aren’t you?


Bloodnok: No, I’m a theater major.


Seagoon: You poor man.


Bloodnok: Oh, don’t feel sorry for me, lad. I feel no pain, you know.


Seagoon: Really? Stick your finger in this light socket.


(FX: electricity-type noises)


Seagoon: You were right. You feel no pain.


Bloodnok: Good heavens! Do you always go around sticking people’s fingers in light sockets?


Seagoon: Only in the mating season. I say- why is your hair standing on end like that?


Bloodnok: To get a better view.


Seagoon: A better view of what?


Bloodnok: My beard.


Seagoon: But you haven’t got a beard.


Bloodnok: Well, I know that and you know that, but my hair doesn’t! It’s deaf!


Seagoon: You poor man. There’s nothing worse than deaf hair.


Bloodnok: Yes- well, don’t let my hair know that I haven’t got a beard. It would upset them terribly, you know.


Seagoon: Needle nardle noo.


Bloodnok: Well said!


Seagoon: Now, Bloodnok, what can you tell me about the Phantom of the Chat?


Bloodnok: The Phantom of the Chat? Why, you’ve come to the right man! I know all about Phantoms of the Chat!


Seagoon: Yes, I know, I’ve just told the audience.


Bloodnok: You mean they were actually listening to you?


Seagoon: Only with their ears.


Bloodnok: Of course. Well, for one thing, the Phantom is an insomniac.


Seagoon: How do you know?


Bloodnok: Well, it only appears after midnight.


Seagoon: Yes, but how can I find the Phantom? What does it look like?


Bloodnok: No one knows, lad- it’s never been seen.


Seagoon: Then how does anyone know it’s there in the first place?


Bloodnok: Simple- whenever you’re in the Chat after midnight and you don’t see anything, that’s him!


Seagoon: Of course! Is there anthing else you can tell me?


Bloodnok: Yes- the easiest way to recognize the Phantom is the terrifying, horrible music he plays. Whenever he appears, you will hear this-


(FX: sped-up ragtime piano solo)


Seagoon: I don’t see what’s so terrifying about that.


Bloodnok: Ah, but his piano is in disguise, you see- that’s only what it sounds like he’s playing! He is actually playing this-


(FX: sped-up Phantom of the Opera-type organ music)


Bloodnok: And in that order.


Seagoon: Oh- how terribly terrible! (makes fainting noises)


Bloodnok: Good heavens, he’s fainted in the direction of down! Ah, no wonder- he’s weighted down by that heavy wallet of his. I’ll just revive him by emptying it and taking the weight off- let’s see- one- two- three- (ad lib) a hundred dollars! There, that should do it. Now I can go to graduate school.


Seagoon: (makes coming-to noises) Oh- well, Bloodnok, it’s my duty to capture the Phantom and make sure that the hollowed grounds of Arcadia University are never haunted again by this mysterious presence! Farewell!


(FX: knock on door)


Bloodnok: Yes?


(FX: door opening)


Greenslade: The Phantom of the Chat, part four.


Bloodnok: Thank you.


(FX: door closing)


Seagoon: Before meeting with Grytpype-Thynne the following afternoon, I went down to the Chat for a snack. But once there, dear listeners, I found that Bloodnok had lied to me about the Phantom of the Chat being invisible! For there, right before my eyes, stood a huge, hideous creature- some foul, evil sight which no human eye had ever seen before!


Lady Constance: Ooohhhh, how dare you!!


Seagoon: Oh- Constance De Coverlet, from the person of the same name. I- I didn’t recognize you with that wig on.


Lady Constance: Why not?


Seagoon: You’re bald.


Lady Constance: (blows raspberry)


Seagoon: I see your point.


Lady Constance: Oh, do you? I shall have to dress more carefully from now on!


Seagoon: Tell me, Constance- how is business?


Lady Constance: Business is very good- unfortunately, not our business. I say- do you want to buy a bottle of apple juice?


Seagoon: No.


Lady Constance: Well, stop drinking from it, then!


Seagoon: But, Constance, I don’t have time to pay for things. I’m a very busy man- always getting called for assistance with various projects and so forth, you know- why, I wouldn’t be surprised if my cell phone didn’t ring just now.




Lady Constance: You were right, it didn’t.


Seagoon: That’s why I’m not surprised.


(FX: phone ringing)


Seagoon: (startled shreik) Now I’m surprised. Hello?


Peter (Nasal): Do you want to know who the Phantom of the Chat is?


Seagoon: I know who it is, it’s the ghost of Professor Bert Spon.


Peter: That’s what they want you to think. The Phantom is really-


(FX: gunshot)


Peter: ARGGH!


Seagoon: How do you spell that?


Peter: A-R-G-G-H.


Seagoon: Thank you.


(FX: click)


Seagoon: How much for that phone call?


Lady Constance: $7.50(*7).


Seagoon: Money well spent.


(FX: cash register)


Lady Constance: Thank you.


Greenslade: The sound of a cash register has been specially added to this program for the benefit of listeners majoring in business administration. And now, The Phantom of the Chat, part five. In the Landman Library(*icon_cool.gif, a certain conversation is going on.


Crun: Mnk- oh dear, dear- that’s got the last book on the shelf- (ad lib)


Min: Henryyyyy!


Crun: What, what is it, Min? Mnk- grk- what is it?


Min: Henry! Come over here and look at these books!


Crun: What’s the matter with the books, Min?


Min: Someone’s written graffiti all over them! They’ve been vandalized, buddy.


Crun: What do you mean, buddy?


Min: Someone’s written words all over the pages.


Crun: Can’t you erase them, Min?


Min: No.


Crun: Why not?


Min: They’re written with a typewriter.


Crun: Oh, dear. Well, what did they write, Min?


Min: Well, look at this one for example, “A Tale of Two Cities”. It- it says- “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”. Ohhhhhh.


Crun: What! Now who could have ruined a lovely little book like that by writing sinful-type graffiti things like that on it?


Min: I don’t know, Henry. They should be ashamed of themselves, buddy.


Crun: Yes, buddy. Look on the front cover, Min. Maybe there’s a clue.


Min: Ah-haaaaa! The name on the front of this book says- it says “Charles Dickens”.


Crun: Charles Dickens! So that’s who’s responsible! He’s been vandalizing our books, Min!


Min: All of them, Henry?


Crun: Yes, all of them, Min. Look- “Barnaby Rudge”, “Oliver Twist”, “Great Expectations”, “Bleak House”- he’s written graffiti all over all of them, the swine!


Min: Ohhhhhh. I’ll tell Nora Schultz(*9) about this!


Crun: You can’t, Min, she’s at Disneyland.


Min: What- ohhhhh. What’s she doing there, buddy?


Crun: She’s picketing(*10).


Min: Stop those pluralism-type jokes, buddy. What are we going to do about these books?


Crun: I don’t know, Min, I-


Seagoon: Good morning. I-


Crun: (startled noises)


Min: Owwwwwww! We’ll all be murdered in our bookends!


Crun: Quick, Min, go and get the bug spray, it’s a Russian spy!


(FX: whoosh)


Crun: You wicked man- I’ll call for the police- (ad lib)


Seagoon: Please, please, Mr. Crun, please. I’m not a Russian spy.


Crun: No? Then who are you?


Seagoon: Allow me to introduce myself.


Crun: No.


Seagoon: Oh. Well then, allow me not to introduce myself.


Crun: Very well, go on.


Seagoon: I am not Ned Seagoon.


Crun: Oh, well, if you’re not Ned Seagoon, then who are you?


Seagoon: I’m Ned Seagoon.


Crun: But you just said you weren’t Ned Seagoon.


Seagoon: That’s only because you wouldn’t let me introduce myself!


Crun: In that case, I forgive you. But if you are Ned Seagoon, I’ll have to see your student ID.


Seagoon: Here.


Crun: Hmm, interesting. I see you are Ned Seagoon. I say, who’s that elephant in the picture wearing a hat?


Seagoon: What what whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat?? That’s no elephant, that’s me!


Crun: Oh, I’m sorry, I was holding it upside-down.


Seagoon: Why?


Crun: Well, it looks better that way, you know.


Seagoon: I admire your artistic taste. Now, Mr. Crun, do you have any books on mythology?


Crun: No, sir, no, most of our books are on shelves.


Seagoon: What a dull subject. Don’t you have anything else?


Crun: Well- mnrk- yes, yes, we have some books on pneumatic drills.


Seagoon: What a boring subject.


Crun: Ying tong iddle i po.


Seagoon: Good!


Greenslade: Ladies and gentlemen- the BBC wishes to announce that the phrase “ying tong iddle i po” still has no meaning at all. Any further developments will be reported as soon as possible. Thank you.


Crun: Anything else, Mr. Seagoon?


Seagoon: Yes- if you don’t have any mythology books here, could I, er- could I find one through inter-library loan?


Crun: Of course. Here is a photograph of another library.


Seagoon: Thank you. I’ll just open the door and go in.


(FX: door opening and closing)


Crun: Good morning, sir.


Seagoon: Good morning. I have a book on inter-library loan here. Has it come in yet?


Crun: I think so, sir. What is your name?


Seagoon: Ned Seagoon.


Crun: I see. And who sent you here?


Seagoon: You did.


Crun: That’s not a very good reference. I’m afraid I’ll have to see your student ID.


Seagoon: Oh no. I’m not falling for that again. They don’t call me perceptive for nothing, you know.


Crun: You mean you have to pay them?


Seagoon: Only with money.


Crun: Of course. Well, if you’re not going to show me your student ID, I can’t let you have the book you wanted.


Seagoon: Oh, never mind then. It’s getting cramped in this photograph. I’m leaving.


Crun: Don’t forget to water the tiger on your way out.


Seagoon: Tiger?


(FX: tiger growling)


Seagoon: HEEEEEEEELP!!! H-E-L-P, pronounced-


(FX: sped-up recording of Seagoon saying “heeeeeeelp”, whoosh)


Crun: Ah, welcome back, Mr. Seagoon. Did you find the book you were looking for?


Seagoon: No. I’m leaving. L-E-A-V-I-N-G, pronounced-


(FX: door closing, pause, phone ringing)


Seagoon: Hello?


Greenslade: The Phantom of the Chat, part six.


Seagoon: Thank you.


(FX: click)


Seagoon: Later that afternoon, I met Mr.


Grytpype-Thynne for our appointment to discuss the details of the investigation.


(FX: knock on door)


Grytpype: Come in.


(FX: knock on door)


Grytpype: Come in.


(FX: knock on door)


Grytpype: I said come in!


Seagoon: You’re the one who’s knocking!


Grytpype: Oh- then I’ll come in.


(FX: door opening and closing)


Seagoon: Ah, good afternoon, Mr. Thynne. Good to see you. I don’t think it was neccesary for you to open that door, though.


Grytpype: Why not?


Seagoon: We’re outside, in the middle of the soccer field. Why are you carrying that door?


Grytpype: It belonged to my mother.


Seagoon: You sentimental fool. Do you always carry doors with you when you’re outside?


Grytpype: No, sometimes my friend carries them for me.


Seagoon: Your friend?


Grytpype: Yes.


Seagoon: I can’t see him.


Grytpype: Of course not. He’s in this brown paper parcel.


(FX: paper rustling, package opening)


Grytpype: May I present my friend, the Right Dishonorable Count Jim “Teeth”-


(FX: chattering teeth)


Grytpype: -Moriarty, world-famous dustbin player and voted Mr. Emaciated of 1994.


Moriarty: Hello, Neddie.


Seagoon: How do you do?


Moriarty: How do I do what?


Seagoon: I don’t know- what do you do?


Moriarty: I’m glad you asked. We are-


Grytpype: I’ll take over from here, Moriarty. Give me your teeth.


Moriarty: But it’s their day off!


(FX: slapstick)


Moriarty: Ow! Sapristi nuckoes! You do that to me again and see what happens.


(FX: slapstick)




Grytpype: Nothing happened.


Moriarty: Yes it did. My knees fell off.


Grytpype: Then what’s that you’re standing on?


Moriarty: It’s called the ground. G-R-O-U-N-D, pronounced-


(FX: sped-up recording of Moriarty saying “groooooound”)


Grytpype: Stop standing on that ground- it’s not paid for yet!


(FX: slapstick)


Moriarty: Owwww!


Seagoon: Gentlemen, please, stop this Punch-and-Judy-type humor and tell me what you want me to do about the Phantom.


Grytpype: Ah yes. Moriarty and I are professionals at capturing phantoms.


Seagoon: You mean you can find the Phantom?


Grytpype: Better still, Neddie- we can help you to find the Phantom yourself. All we ask is that you pay us a fee of fifty dollars(*11) a day for our advice.


Seagoon: And what is your advice?


Grytpype: Pay us the fifty dollars a day.


Seagoon: Money for a worthy cause. Where should I start?


Grytpype: If you go to the Chat at midnight, you’re sure to find the Phantom there. That’s all there is to it.


Seagoon: Thank you, gentlemen, thank you. As a token of my appreciation, here is an mp3 of a dollar in advance.


Grytpype: And here is a jpeg of our acceptance.


Seagoon: Right. I’ll pay you the rest tomorrow after I’ve found the Phantom. Farewell!


(FX: whoosh)


Greenslade: And now, the Phantom of the Chat, part seven. But first, for listeners who are just waking up and have missed the program up to now, here is a rapid synopsis of the story so far.


Spike: (speaks rapid gibberish)


Greenslade: And now, the Phantom of the Chat, part eight, in which Neddie Seagoon goes to the Chat at midnight to look for the Phantom. Incidentally, we wish to make it known that the following scene is a literary-type parody. It has been inserted into the program for the benefit of English majors and intelligent listeners.




Eccles: Well....I better be goin’ home now. (embarrased chuckle)


Greenslade: Down in the Chat, a night watchman is patrolling the ramparts, and vice versa.


(FX: footsteps- goes on for a bit and then stops)


Spriggs: Who’s there? Whoooooooo’s theeeeeeeere?


Seagoon: Nay, answer me. Stand and unfold yourself.


Spriggs: Unfold myself, Jim? You must have mistaken me for an envelope.


Seagoon: There is a certain resemblance, I admit.


Spriggs: Never mind that, Jim. Never mind thaaat, Jeeeeeem. Give me the password.


Seagoon (assertively): Alright, I’ll give you the password, but only on condition that you tell me what it is first.


Spriggs: Oh, alright then. The, um- the password is “Long live President Greiner.” “Long live President Greineeeeeer.”


Seagoon: Bernardo?


Spriggs: He.


Seagoon: I’m sorry, I can’t quite hear you.


Spriggs: He.


Seagoon: What?


Spriggs (frustrated): He! He! He!


Seagoon: I don’t see anything particularly funny about this.


Spriggs: Neither does the audience.


Seagoon: I don’t wish to know that!


Spriggs: (blows raspberry) You come most carefully upon your hour, Jim.


Seagoon: Stop this brilliant Shakespearean-type dialogue! And while you’re at it, remove that false mustache from your face, and vice versa.


(FX: sound of a false mustache being removed)


Eccles: Haaaalooooo!


Seagoon: Eccles! What are you doing down here disguised as Singing Bernardo Spriggs?


Eccles: I’m the night watchman. And I’ve gotta disguise myself.


Seagoon: Why?


Eccles: Well, you would too if you looked like me.


Seagoon: You have a point.


Eccles: Oh, ta! How many points is that altogedder?


Seagoon: Seventy three.


Eccles: Wanna play anudder game?


Seagoon: Not now, Eccles, I have work to do. I’m here to find the Phantom of the Chat.


Eccles: Ohoho, you silly man! Dere’s no such thing as da Phantom of da Chat. It’s all a myth, I tell you. Imagine dat- lookin’ for da Phantom of da Chat- hohoho! (ad lib)


Seagoon: Wait! Eccles!


Eccles: Yuh?


Seagoon: Something’s moving over there- it’s coming this way!


Eccles: Oooohhh.


Seagoon: It might be the Phantom.


Eccles: It can’t be the Phantom. He’s not playing dat music he plays when he appears.


Seagoon: (chuckles confidently) He can’t fool me. He’s disguised his piano as a banjo.


Eccles: But I don’t hear any banjo music either.


Seagoon: Of course not. He’s disguised it as an invisible, stringless banjo for non-union musicians.


Eccles: Oh.


Seagoon: But we’ll get him! Now, pick up this piano, and when I give you the signal, hit him with it.


Eccles: ‘Ere! I can’t lift dis piano!


Seagoon: Why not?


Eccles: I don’t know what key it’s in!


Seagoon: You unmusical idiot! Everyone knows you always lift pianos in the key of E-flat!


Eccles: Oh, OK den. (straining noises)


Seagoon: Now, wait until the Phantom comes, and then hit him with it.


Eccles: Right.




Seagoon: NOW!


(FX: piano-crashing sounds)


Bluebottle: AHAAIEEE!!! AHHAEU! You rotten swines, you! You have nutted me! Look, my knees have fallen off! What is de matter wid you, man?! I was walkin’ along, listening to my iPod like a happy freshman, when splun, blat, thun, wallop, splingee! I was hitted with dat dirty big mahogany-type piano! AAAAIEEEE!! Crawls out from under piano-type rubble, picks up fallen knees.


Seagoon: Who are you, you ragged, pimply nitwit?


Bluebottle: I am Jim Bluebottle, de big man on campus! My name is known all over de campus, dat it is.


Seagoon: Oh, really?


Bluebottle: Yes, it is writted on all of de bathroom walls. I read one de other day dat said, “Bluebottle is a dirty”--- (giggles timidly) I say, Captain, are we on de radio?


Seagoon: Yes.


Bluebottle: Oh, never mind den. But I was reading a bathroom wall the other day, you know.


Seagoon: Really? What did it say?


Bluebottle: I do not know. I haven’t gotten to the end yet.


Seagoon: Oh. Well, don’t spoil the ending- I love suspense!


Bluebottle: Do you?


Seagoon: Yes, it’s what keeps my trousers up!


(FX: ta ra!)


Seagoon: Shhhh- keep that orchestra quiet! The Phantom might be around here someplace.


Bluebottle: Looks left, sees Eccles. Oh, it’s Eccles- hello, Eccles.


Eccles: ‘Ello, Bluebottle.


Bluebottle: I say, Eccles- why didn’t I see you in class today?


Eccles: Well, um....because I wasn’t dere!


Bluebottle: Oh, so dat’s why! But why wasn’t you dere, Eccles?


Eccles: Oh, I was working. I was down here in da Chat working behind da counter.


Bluebottle: Ohhh.


Eccles: ‘Ere- ‘ere, Bluebottle- do you know what happened while I was working down here?


Bluebottle: How could I? I wasn’t dere! You silly man, Eccles.


Eccles: Oh- I wondered why I didn’t see you. Well den- I’ll tell you. A customer came up to me- and it was- (confidentially) it was a girl!


Bluebottle: Oh, a girl! (giggles) What did she say to you, Eccles?


Eccles (suggestively): She- she said, “how much is dis?” And I said- (laughs slyly) I said- “Dat’ll be four dollars!”


(Eccles and Bluebottle laugh together)


Bluebottle: Oh, you sinful man, Eccles! I’ll bet she wanted to slap your face for sayin’ a thing like dat!


Eccles: Oh, well, Bottle, my man- when you get to be a certain age, you just don’t care what you say anymore! Hohoho!


Seagoon: Stop this sinful talking, you Rabelaisian fools!


Eccles: Rabelasian? We’re not Asian.


Seagoon: Shut up, Eccles!


Eccles: Shut up, Eccles!


Seagoon: Shut up!


Eccles: Shut up!


Bluebottle: Shut up, Eccles!


Seagoon: Shut up, Bluebottle!


Eccles: Shut up, Bluebottle!


Bluebottle: Shut up, Eccles!


Eccles: Shut up, Eccles!


(Verbal chaos ensues as Bluebottle, Eccles and Seagoon ad lib telling each other to shut up for a while- after the other two have stopped, Eccles goes on telling himself to shut up two or three times)


Seagoon (interrupting): STOOOOOOOOP!!!! S-T-O-P, pronounced-


(FX: sped-up recording of Seagoon saying “stoooooooop”)


Seagoon: We have work to do. And Bluebottle?


Bluebottle: Yes, Captain?


Seagoon: I may need your help.


Bluebottle: Yes, my Capitan, I will help you! Whatever my little Captain needs, Blunebottle will do his duty! I will show no fear! Give your orders and dey shall be don-ed! Salutes Capitan and stands ready for action.


Seagoon: That’s the spirit, lad. Now then- I need you to help me to find- The Phantom of the Chat!


Bluebottle: (pause, giggles timidly) De Phantom of de Chat? (pause) Thinks: I have heard about de Phantom. Dey say dat he carries a knife. Harm can come to a young lad like dat! Unthinks, adresses Captain. I don’t like this game! I’m goin’ home! I just remembered, it’s my turn in the barrel! Exits left.


(FX: whoosh)


Seagoon: The coward! Well, Eccles, it looks like it’s just you and me.


Eccles: Yup, yup, yup.


Seagoon: Wait- look! What is that?!


(FX: dramatic music)


Eccles: A trombone.


Seagoon: Curse! I told you to keep that orchestra quiet!


(FX: gunshot)


Spriggs: OWWWWW, Jim! Owwwwwww, Jeeeeeeeem!


Seagoon: Spriggs! That’ll teach you to practice for Dr. Frabizio’s(*12) class while I’m investigating a case. Now, Eccles- here’s another piano. Be ready to use it when the Phantom strikes.


Eccles: Foine, foine, foine. Oh, but, um- what if he’s disguised it as an invisible stringless banjo again?


Seagoon: Don’t be silly, Eccles. He wouldn’t dare pull the same trick on us twice! Why, he-


(FX: sped-up ragtime piano solo)


Seagoon (over piano solo): The Phantom! Quick, Eccles, throw the piano!


Eccles: OK!


(FX: cartoon whizz, piano crashing)


(Moriarty and Grytpype groan in pain)


Moriarty: Owwww! Sapristi, my quonge!


Seagoon: Got him! (chuckles triumphantly) Now we’ll find out who the Phantom really is! Eccles, grab that sheet!


(FX: whish of sheet being removed)


Seagoon: Grytpype-Thynne! Moriarty!


Grytpype: Yes- yes, Neddie, you’ve caught us. Moriarty and I are the Phantom.


Seagoon: But- but the man who called me on the phone this afternoon said it was someone named A-R-G-G-H.


Grytpype: Yes, it’s spelt A-R-G-G-H, but it’s pronounced Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty!


Seagoon: Of course, it’s so obvious!


Grytpype: Well, Ned- we’ve done as we promised. We helped you to find the Phantom of the Chat. Now pay us the fifty dollars.


Seagoon: Wait- but you are the Phantom of the Chat! Why should I pay you for helping you find yourselves?


Grytpype: Neddie, don’t you see? You’re a credit to your major, lad! You followed instructions, and within a few hours you found the Phantom! We’ve helped you test your detecting skills, and you’ve succeeded in solving your very first case! Moriarty and I disguised ourselves as the Phantom to help you.


Seagoon: Oh- well, since you put it that way, here. Here is the fifty dollars, and in that order.


(FX: cash register)


Grytpype: Thank you. Well, at least now this whole Phantom business can be put to rest. You’ve proved what we’ve known all along- that there’s no such thing as the Phantom of the Chat. It’s all a myth.


Moriarty: Yes- it’s all rather silly when you think of it. Imagine- a phantom playing an organ disguised as a piano disguised as an invisible stringless banjo! Ridiculous, I tell you.


Seagoon: Yes, I- I see now it’s all rather silly, isn’t it?


(Grytpype, Moriarty and Seagoon laugh at themselves for a bit)


Eccles: Wait- what’s dat?


(FX: sped-up ragtime piano solo)




Seagoon: There- there really is a Phantom! (pause) HEEEEEELP! IT’S THE PHANTOM!


Grytpype: Run for it!!


(Moriarty, Grytpype and Seagoon ad lib panic)


(FX: Goon Show closing theme)


Greenslade: That was “The Goon Show”, a BBC recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer, Wallace Greenslade. The program was produced by Peter Eton.




(*1) The Chat=the name of the cafeteria at Arcadia University. “The Phantom of the Chat” was an original play which was supposed to have been performed on campus last year, but which for some reason was never done, for which reason I took the liberty of reviving it in the form of a Goon Show!


(*2) One of the dorms at Arcadia, and, coincidentally, the one I myself have been occupying for the last three years


(*3) The president of Arcadia


(*4) Probably Dr. Greiner’s most notable characteristic is his big Father Christmas-type beard


(*5) Residence Assistant- essentially a chaperone who keeps an eye on us crazy kids


(*6) Oak Summit Apartments is an apartment building rather far from the campus in which many Arcadia students live


(*7) About £4


(*icon_cool.gif Arcadia’s library, named for former president Betty Landman


(*9) The assistant dean of students


(*10) Schultz was the teacher of a (defunct as of this coming school year) class called Pluralism, which examined issues such as oppression based on race, gender, etc. One particular session was devoted to how Disney films are corrupting our children because of their presentation of racial/gender/etc. stereotypes- in spite of which, Professor Schultz has professed great affection for Disneyland.


(*11)About £26


(*12) One of Arcadia’s music teachers