Fandom: The Goon Show
Written for: Am-Chau Yarkona in the Yuletide 2003 Challenge
by Tauna

Dear Am Chau,

Sorry I'm not Spike Milligan, but I've tried my best. As sad as I was to see you posted on the no-go list, I was chuffed to see the Goons as I'd just spent the last several days listening to them, so I hope it shows.

Happy Yule!


GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Light Programme, bringing you Christmas cheer from the stately Victorian mansion of Sir Neddy Seagoon.

FX: Crowd - applause, cheers, fade in singing of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen", speeded up.

SEAGOON: A Happy Christmas to you Mr. Greenslade.

GREENSLADE: And to you as well. I see you are enjoying the fruits of the season.

BLUEBOTTLE: Smacks Greenslade for naughty comment. You shouldn't talk like that you naughty man you... Ducks away as he is not actually supposed to be in this scene.

SEAGOON:(laughs) Would you like a spot of Xmas cheer? The grog should be bubbling. But!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

FX: sounds of many glasses shattering.

GREENSLADE: My ears...

SEAGOON: My punch bowl! Some filthy swine has stolen Great Aunt Agatha's gold punch bowl!


SEAGOON: No Judy either! But wait! Where is my faithful servant Eccles? The punch bowl should be under his vigilant eye...

GREENSLADE: Only one eye?

SEAGOOON: Yes, the left one.

FX: sounds of bedsprings squeaking.

SEAGOON: Hark, my first clue! Squeaking bedsprings. Let me away to Eccles' room!

FX: sounds of heavy running footsteps, up then down, then up again and door flung open.


ECCLES: Ohahahooh! Yeah! Um, er, go on, go on! 'Ere, ere, go on

FX: sounds of bedsprings squeaking faster followed by screams and fireworks.

SEAGOON: Good Grief! What's going on here?

BLUEBOTTLE: Sighs heavily. Oh I like this game, Eccles! I'm deaded! Falls down in exhaustion.

SEAGOON: Shouldn't you be watching my Gold punch bowl?

ECCLES: How could I watch it when it's not here?

SEAGOON: Not here?

ECCLES: What's not here?

SEAGOON: My punch bowl!

BLUEBOTTLE: Tee-hee! Is that what they are calling it now!

ECCLES: That bloke came for it.

SEAGOON: What bloke?

BLUEBOTTLE: Huffs in exasperation at the continuing interruption. The old bloke with the lorry what had Henry Crun, Punch bowl Cleaner to Royalty on the side. Turns back to continue naughty behaviour.

SEAGOON: Ah HA! A Punch bowl cleaner.

GREENSLADE: And while we wait for Neddy to find his way, it's time for Max Geldray!

INTERVAL: Max Geldray plays "Winter Wonderland"


FX: sound of running feet, sound of racing boat, sound of boat exploding into pieces and much splashing

SEAGOON: A pox upon British Rail! But I've made it none the less! The sign says; Henry Crun, Punch bowl Cleaner to Royalty, by appointment to Her Majesty Queen Victoria... Hmmm I wonder if this is the place.

FX: Sound of door creaking open.

SEAGOON: Shop!... Shop!

FX: sounds of bedsprings squeaking faster followed by screams and fireworks.

MIN: Good Grief Henry! An intruder!

HENRY: Ooooooh deary me Min, I'm afraid I couldn't get up right now.

MIN: What do you want you filthy swine you?

HENRY: Min... how can you call me that after...

MIN: Not you Henry... That short fat fellow who's staring at us!

HENRY: Ahhhhhhhh! What do you want you filthy swine you?

SEAGOON: I want my Great Aunt Agatha's solid gold punch bowl. My man says you took it away to be cleaned! Amazing as I didn't know it was dirty!

HENRY: Was it that large gold thing with dirty great protrusions on it, still filled with boiling grog?

SEAGOON: That's It!!!!!!

HENRY: Never seen it.

SEAGOON: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

MIN: Yes you have, Henry. Remember that posh gent and his manservant. I think they took it.

SEAGOON: Posh? Posh? Could you mean Lord Hercules Grytpype-Thynne.

HENRY: That's the name. Now get along with you, my Elderly Gentlemen's Get Fit hormones are kicking back in!

FX: sound of squeaking and grunting.

SEAGOON: Ahh I shall repair to the stately mansion of my fiercest enemy Lord Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, OBE!

GREENSLADE:(clears throat) And a we again wait for Neddy to plough his way through the Holiday throngs, it's time for the Ray Ellington Quartet!



FX: sound of door shutting, horse hoofbeats growing into a steam engine which then grinds to a screeching race car halt.

GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Moriarty? Is everything ready?


GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Then pass me some of that punch.

FX: sound of slurping followed by door flying open and footsteps rushing in.

SEAGOON: Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaa, got you! You filthy swine! Hand over my punch bowl!


SEAGOON: Never? NEVER!!!!!! Why not?

GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: I don't feel like it.


GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Neddy, my boy, this is Count Jim "Queen of the Cottages" Moriarty, my faithful assistant.



GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: He's actually shown me a new use for something I've had for ages and never known what to do with. Come here Seagoon. I have something for you.

SEAGOON: What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what?

GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Only ten whats Neddie? Oh, you aren't very bright are you! Here, what do you make of that?

FX: Sound of something large and heavy slapping on the table.

SEAGOON: My God! It's ... It's... Gold!

GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: and solid as a rock.

SEAGOON:(giggles incoherently) Good Grief it is! What on earth do you do with it?

GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Why, I'll show you... Quick Moriarty, bring me the vat of rendered bear grease!!

FX: sounds of squeaking and moaning, into fireworks, then a screaming bomb dropping down into a large explosion.

SEAGOON: Good Grief! I should have borrowed Crun's Elderly Gentlemen's Get Fit hormones!

GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: How could you think me unprepared you silly twisted boy, you? Here's a fresh bottle!

SEAGOON: Brilliant!!! Tally ho!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FX: sounds of slapping, squealing, elephants trumpeting, squishy noises and sighs.


GREENSLADE: That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens, (not) announcer Wallace Greenslade, the program produced by Pat Dixon(not).

Xmas 2003

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