Newsgroups: alt.fan.goons Subject: THE ROCKY HORROR GOON SHOW! Date: Thu, 13 Mar 2003 11:25:16 +1300 Organization: Ihug Limited Lines: 1929 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: p157-nas11.akl.ihug.co.nz X-Trace: lust.ihug.co.nz 1047507929 19683 220.127.116.11 (12 Mar 2003 22:25:29 GMT) X-Complaints-To: firstname.lastname@example.org NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 12 Mar 2003 22:25:29 +0000 (UTC) X-Priority: 3 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Newsreader: Microsoft Outlook Express 6.00.2720.3000 X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V6.00.2600.0000 =The Rocky Horror Goon Show (Folks!)= A Musical Radio Play adapted from the original by Richard O'Brien by Steve Dale DRAMATIS PERSONAE Wallace Greenslade as The Criminologist/Narrator Neddy as Brad Sabrina as Janet Henry Crun as Riff-Raff. Minnie Bannister as Magenta Bluebottle (in drag) as Columbia. Major Dennis Bloodnok as Dr Scott Moriarty as Eddie Eccles as 'The Creation' Ray Ellington as Ralph Hapshatt Angela Morley (ex Wally Stott) as Betty Munroe _____________________________ Announcer: This is the BBC. We now present a radio show in English. Or something anyway. The author was hung drawn and quartered yesterday. FX: 20C FOX FANFARE SOUNDS, FULL ORCHESTRA AND ORGAN, BUT CRUMPLES IN THE MIDDLE AND SLURS TO SILENCE. NEEDLE DRAGGED ACROSS RECORD. RECORD BEING BROKEN Wallace Greenslade : This is the BBC. FX: PENNY IN MUG Wallace: Thank you. Good - er - good - (damn, what's the time) - evening! This show you are about to hear is about - er...(sighs in disgust)...One Hour Long! That's what it is about! (aside) I don't know how I get these jobs, I really don't. Labour exchange one day, lousy job the next, fired day after that! Vicious circle. Ah well...Ahem...(begins to read a little stiltedly) ...Our story starts on the ramparts of the Castle Thynne. The faithful servant Henry Crun is waiting... FX: WIND UP, THEN DOWN UNDER: Henry: Min! Minnie! Ooowewe, Min, MIN! Min: (distant) Did you call me Henry? Henry: Yes, hurry up, the people are waiting! Min; (mumbles her way to the microphone) Oaw, what do you want? Henry: Start singing! Rage Nellingbone? Ray: (distant) Yeah? Henry: Start playing! Ray: (distant) OK, Mate! (Ray Ellington Quartet plays rumba backing for.) Min: Michael Rennie was ill The day the Earth stood still And he told us where we stand. (Omnes: ON OUR FEET!) And Flesh Gordon was there Without his underwear. (Eccles: Oooh!) Claud Rains was the Invisible Man. But then something went wrong With Fae Wray and King Kong, They got caught in a cellular jam! (Song stops dead) FX: HUGE TRAFFIC JAM WITH COMICAL SOUNDS AND HORNS. GOES ON FOR SEVERAL SECONDS, COMES TO A SUDDEN HALT. PAUSE) Min: Then at a deadly pace, It came from - Chorus: WHERE?? Min: .Outer Space;.. Chorus: THANK YOU! Min: .And this is how the message ran... ORCHESTRA: COMES IN BEHIND QUARTET, SWELLS UP TO FULL BACKING. Science Fiction - Double Feature Grytpype Thynne will build a creature See Androids fighting - and don't can it, Anne Francis stars in - Forbidden Planet, Oh - oh At the Late-night Double Feature Picture Show... I knew Leo G. Carrol Was inside a barrel. Flowerdew: (shouts) Its YOUR turn in the barrel!!! Min: When Tarantula took to the hills And I really go hot When I saw Jeanette Scott Fight a Triffid that spits poison and kills. Dana Andrews said prunes Gave him the runes, And passing them used lots of skills And when Worlds Collide. (Song stops dead) FX: HUGE EXPLOSION Bloodnok: Aughhh! So early in the show too! Augh! Min: .Said George Pal to his bride, I'm going to give you Some terrible thrills, - like a... CHORUS repeat (Henry joins her - and they sing together.) ...Late-night Double Feature Picture Show, I wanna go...Oh - oh To the Late-night Double Feature Picture Show, by Marilyn Munro...Oh - oh To the Late-night Double Feature Picture Show, in the back row...oh - oh To the Late-night Double Feature - ...Pic - ture Show. Min: Oooohh! Henry! You wicked man! Henry: I just wanted to bring a little Interest into your life! Min: I've got plenty of interest, I' just put some more money in the bank! Henry: Not that sort of interest, you silly woman. Both: go off arguing at cross purposes. ORCHESTRA: GOON CHORD ORGAN: OVERLAPS, PLAYING THE WEDDING MARCH, UP, THEN DOWN UNDER. Ray Ellington: Yum-bum-bulla-boo! Well, I guess we really did it; huh?! Neddy: I don't think there's any doubt about that! You and Angela have been almost inseparable since you met in Major Bloodnok's army barracks! Ray: Well, to tell you the truth Neddy, That was the only reason I joined the army in the first place! (Both laugh) Angela: OK boys, this is it! Ray: Looks like Angela's going to throw her bouquet! (General Pandemonium; Angela throws; Sabrina catches) Sabrina: I got it, I got it!!! Ray: Hey, little pal! Looks like it could be your turn next! Neddy: Who knows! Ray: So long! See you Neddy! FX: CAR ROARS OFF AT CARTOON SPEED. Sabrina: Oh Neddy; wasn't it wonderful! Didn't Angela look radiantly beautiful! Oh; I can't believe it - an hour ago she was plain old Angela Morley, and now - now she's Mrs Ray Ellington! (Folks, this is getting ridiculous!) Neddy: Yes Sabrina; and it's going to get even worse! You see. ORCHESTRA: MUSICAL CHORD. Sabrina: Yes Neddy? Neddy: I've got something to say... Sabrina: Uh-Huh? Neddy: I really love the - Skilful way...You beat the other girls...with whips and chains.to the bride's bouquet! Sabrina: Ohh - oh Neddy! ORCHESTRA: PLAYS INTRO. Neddy: The river was deep but I swam it; Others: Sabrina! The future is ours so let's plan it (Sabrina) So please don't tell me to can it (Sabrina) I've one thing to say and that's; Dammit, Sabrina; I lo - ve you! The road was long but I ran it (Sabrina) There's a fire in my heart and you fan it (Sabrina) If there's one fool for you then I am it (Sabrina) I've one thing to say and that's; Dammit, Sabrina; I lo - ve you! Here's the ring to prove that I'm no joker! (ORCHESTRA: TROMBONE SLIDE!) There's three ways that love can grow; That's good, bad or mediocre. S.A.B.RI-NA. I love you so - ah - oh! Sabrina: Oh, it's nicer than Angela Morley had (Oh Ned) Now we're engaged and I'm so glad (Oh Ned) That you've met Mum and you know Dad (Oh Ned) Neddy - I'm mad - for you too! Oh Ned-dy! Neddy: Oh - Dammit! Sabrina: I'm - un-stead-y... Neddy: Oh - Sabrina! Sabrina: ...for You - ooo! Neddy: I love you too - o - o - ooo! Both: There's one thing left to do-ah-oo, and that's... Neddy: Go see the man that began it (Sabrina) When we met in his big ar-my barrack (Sabrina) Made me give you the eye and then panic (Sabrina) Now I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Sabrina; I lo - ve - you! Sabrina: Oh Ned-dy! Neddy: Oh - Dammit! Sabrina: I'm - unstead-dy... Neddy: Oh - Sabrina! Both: I - Love - You! ORCHESTRA: ROMANTIC FINISH. Sabrina: Oooh, Neddy!! Here's a ladder! Kiissss Meeeeeeeee! (huge kiss) Neddy: (screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam!!) FX; BODY LANDING FROM A GREAT HIGHT! Wallace: Now now you two, that's enough. Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like...if I may...to take you...on a strange journey! Yes, even stranger than that! It seemed a fairly ordinary night, when Neddy Seagoon, spinster of the parish, and his fiancee Sabrina, batchellor of the parish, two young, ordinary, healthy kids, - young? (sly laugh) Sorry listeners! Ned: I'll see you in the yard at Playtime Wal! I'll belt that great fat nut of yours! Eccles: Fine, fine, fine! Wal: Ned and Sabrina left East Finchely, that late November evening, to visit a certain Major Dennis Bloodnok, ex-British Army Major, and now friend to both of them. (suddenly very BBC'ish) Now here is the weather forecast. Winds, light to variable, dark storm clouds; heavy, black and pendulous, towards which the two are driving. Spare tyre badly in need of some air. (Back to narrative) But being normal kids, and - on a night out - Why, they weren't going to let a storm spoil the events of that evening. (voice echoes evilly) - On a NIGHT OUT! It was a night out - they were going to remember - for a very long time! FX: THUNDERBOLT. ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC THEME, DOWN UNDER. FX: CAR INTERNAL, LASHING RAIN. THE RADIO CAN BE HEARD PLAYING NIXON'S RESIGNATION SPEECH Nixon: I have never been a quitter. To leave office before my term is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body. But as President, I must put the interests of America first. America needs a full-time President. And a full-time Congress. Particularly at this time, the problems we face...(fades behind:) FX: A MOTORCYCLE PASSES Sabrina: Gosh; that's the third motorcycle that's passed us! They certainly take their lives in their hands what with the weather and everything! Neddy: Yes Sabrina; life's pretty cheap for that type! Sabrina: How cheap? Neddy: About two bob each! Sabrina: That's cheap all right! ORCHESTRA: GOON CHORD. FX: CAR SLURS TO A STOP. RAIN CONTINUES Sabrina: What's the matter Neddy darling? Neddy: It's a dead end! Mmm; we must have taken the wrong fork a few miles back! Sabrina: Fork? I didn't know you were eating! Neddy: Ah yes, but I was doing it in the back of the car! Sabrina: I didn't see it? Neddy: That's because I was eating secretly! Sabrina: Ahh! But where did that motorcyclist come from? Neddy: I guess we're just going to have to turn back! FX: TYRE BLOWS OUT VERY LOUDLY! Sabrina: What was that bang? Neddy: We must have a blowout! Either that or Major Bloodnok is here already! Dammit! I knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed! Well, you just stay here and keep warm, and I'll go for help. Sabrina: Where will you go in the middle of nowhere? Eccles: Ooohooohooohooo! Neddy: Eccles; stop that or you'll go blind! Sabrina darling, didn't we pass a castle down the road a few miles? Maybe they have a telephone I could use! Sabrina: I'm going with you! Neddy: Oh no darling; there's no sense in both of us getting wet! Sabrina: (insistent) I'm coming with you! (pointedly) Besides darling; (coyly) the owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman! Neddy: I don't think so! He's too ugly! Henry: How dare you! Choose your weapons! FX: (FAST) TWO SHOTS Henry: Honour is satisfied! Neddy: And so is mine! ORCHESTRA: GOON CHORD. Sabrina: But you might never come back again! Neddy: (laughs) FX: CAR DOOR OPENS. RAIN UP. SPLASHING FOOTSTEPS. ORCHESTRA: INTRO. Sabrina: (sings) In the velvet darkness, of the blackest night Burning bright; there's a guiding star... No matter what or who you are... Neddy and Sabrina: There's a light... All: ...Over at the Gryt-pype Thynne place! Neddy & Sabrina:...There's a ligh - gh - t... All: ...Burning in the fireplace Sabrina: ...There's a light - light in the darkness of everybody's life. Henry: (distant) Darkness must flow Down the river of night's dreaming Flow Morphia slow, let the Sun and light come streaming Into my li - fe Into my Li - fe... Neddy and Sabrina: There's a light... All: ...Over at the Gryt-pype Thynne place! Neddy & Sabrina:...There's a ligh - gh - t... All: ...Burning in the fireplace Neddy and Sabrina: ...There's a light - light in the darkness of everybody's life. FX: ORCHESTRA PLAYOUT, RAIN FADES. Wallace: And so...it seemed that fortune had smiled on Neddy and Sabrina, and they had found the assistance that their plight required.. OR HAD THEY?! Jim Spriggs: I don't know Jeem! I don't know Jee - heeem! Sabrina: (shivering) Neddy, let's go back; I'm cold and I'm frightened! Neddy: Just a moment Sabrina; they may have a phone. I'll just pull the bell rope. FX: HUGE CLAMOUR OF BELLS. TAKES QUITE A WHILE. PAUSE. DOOR OPENS Henry: Who rang them bells?! Neddy: Hi! My name's Neddy Seagoon. FX; FALLING BOMB, EXPLOSION Neddy: Blast! And - er - this is my fiancee, Sabrina! I wonder if you might help us, you see, my car broke down a few miles up the road...d'you have a phone we might use? (pause) Henry: You're wet! Sabrina: Yes; it's raining! Neddy: Yes! Henry: Yes. Neddy: Yes. Sabrina: Yes. (pause) Neddy: Yes! Henry: All right, I don't think we can expect any more laughs out of that one! I think perhaps you'd better both...come inside. Sabrina: You're too kind. Henry: Yes.I am, aren't I? FX: FOOTSTEPS. DOOR CLOSES (HUGE IRON DUNGEON-TYPE CLANG) ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC IN DISTANCE. Sabrina: (whispers) Neddy, I'm frightened! What kind of place is this? Neddy: Probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich upper-class twits! Henry: Walk this way! Ned and Sabrina: (together) If I walked that way..sorry! Sabrina: Are you having a party? Henry: You've arrived on a rather special night! It's one of the Master's affairs! Sabrina: Oh - lucky him! Min: (entering towards microphone) You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, WE'RE ALL LUCKYYY!!! (fiendish laughter) FX: BIG BEN STRIKES THE FULL TWELVE HOURS Henry: I must get that clock fixed! ORCHESTRA: INTRO INTO.THE TIME WARP! Henry: It's Astounding; Time is Fleeting; Madness - takes its toll! But listen closely... Min: Not for very much longer... Henry: I've got to - keep control! I remember - doing the Time Warp! Drinking - those moments when - The blackness would hit me And the void would would be call - ing... (CHORUS) Guests: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! Wallace: It's just a jump to the left... Guests: And then a step to the righ - ight Wallace: Put your hands on your hips... Guests: ...And bring your knees in ti-ight But it's the pelvic thr-ust That really drives you insa-a-ane LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! Min: It's so dreamy - so fantasy free me! So you can't see me; no not at all - Mum-diddle - um! In another dimension; with voyeuristic intention Well secluded, I see all! Eccles: Oooh! Henry: With a bit of a mind-flip... Min: You're into the Time Slip - Oooohhh!! Henry: And nothing can ever be the same! (Can't get the wood, you know.) Min: You're spaced out on sensation Henry: Like you're under sedation! Everyone: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! Bluebottle: Well I was walking down the street just having a think When a naughty little brownie gave me a wink! Well it shook me up, it took me by surprise, She had a packet of bix and the devil's eyes! She stared at me and I felt a change Time meant nothing, never would again! (CHORUS) MUSIC STOPS DEAD. Bluebottle: 'Ere, my capting, it says here I am supposed to do a tap dance! Ned: Then do it! Bluebottle: But I don't know how! Ned: Never mind that you fool, just do it! Bluebottle: Er.All right. FX: TERRIBLE TAP DANCE, TOTALLY OUT OF TIME. Bluebottle: (almost in tears) See, I told you I didn't know how! You rotten swines you! (goes off in tears!) DRUMS COUNT THE FOUR AND INTO CHORUS AGAIN, THEN RUNS DOWN... Sabrina: Neddy; say something! Neddy: Hey...do any of you guys know how to do the Last Tango in Paris? Min: (suggestively) Oooohoo! Sabrina: Neddy please; let's get out of here! Neddy: For heavens sakes, get a grip on yourself Sabrina. Sabrina: But it seems so unhealthy here! Neddy: It's just a party Sabrina! Sabrina: But I wanna go! Ned: Well, you can't go here. There's no. Sabrina: Neddy; don't you DARE! Neddy: Well we can't go anywhere 'till I get to a phone! Sabrina: Well then, ask the butler or someone! Neddy: Just a moment Sabrina; we don't want to interfere with their celebrations! Sabrina: This isn't the House of Lords, Neddy! Neddy: They are just foreigners with ways different from our own! They may do some more...folk dancing! Sabrina: Look, I'm cold, I'm wet and I'm just plain SCARED! Neddy: I'm here; there's just nothing to worry about! Sabrina: Who's that? Oh dear.(scream!!!) ORCHESTRA: TERROR CHORD, STRAIGHT INTO INTRO Thynne: How d'you do; I - see you've met my - Faithful handy-man. He's just a little brought down because - when you knocked - He thought you were Spike Milligan! Don't get strung out - by the way I look; Don't judge a book by it's cover - r! I'm not much of a man - by the light of day; But by night I'm one hell of a lover! I'm just a... (CHORUS) Sweet Transvestite From Transsexual, Transylvaniaaaa - Ah HA! Let me show you around, maybe play you a sound; You look like you're both pretty groovy! (That's questionable!) Or if you want something visual, That's not too abysmal; We could take in an old Ed Wood Movie! Neddy: I'm glad we caught you at home. Could we use your phone? We're both in a bit of a hurry. Sabrina: Right! Neddy: We'll just say where we are, Then go back to the car. We don't want to be any worry. Thynne: Well, you got caught with a flat! Oh dear, what a pity! Well darlings; don't you panic! By the light of the night, It'll all seem all right; I'll get you a satanic mechanic! I'm just a... (CHORUS) Sweet Transvestite From Transsexual, Transylvaniaaaa - Ah HA! Why don't you... Stay for the night? Henry: NIGHT! Thynne: Or maybe a bite! Bluebottle: BITE! Hoooee! Thynne: I could show you my favorite obsession! I've been making a man, With blond hair and a tan And he's good for relieving my...tension! Eccles: OOoooooH! I'm just a... (CHORUS) Sweet Transvestite,... Bluebottle, Henry & Min: SWEET TRANSVESTITE! Thynne: From Transsexual,... Bluebottle, Henry & Min: TRANSYLVANIAAAA - AH HA! Thynne: (spoken) SO... Omnes: WHAT?? Thynne: (spoken deliberately) I havn't finished! (sings) Come up to the lab - And see what's on the slab! I see you shiver, with antici....PATION! But maybe the rain Isn't really to blame... So I'll remove the CAUSE... (snickers) BUT NOT THE SYMPTOM!! ORCHESTRA: HUGE CHORD, GOES ON AND ON. Neddy: STOOOPPP! ORCHESTRA STOPS DEAD. Sabrina: Thank you Neddy: Thank you very much. Sabrina: (squeals) Neddy: Bluebottle, stop it! What are you doing now? Bluebottle: You want to get dry, don't you? Oooee! This is better than a time with my little Brownie friend! Neddy: Hi! My name's Neddy Seagoon. FX: FALLING BOMB - EXPLOSION Neddy: Blast! And - this is my fiancee, Sabrina. Bluebottle: You're lucky to be invited up to Thynne's laboratory my Capting! Some people would give their right arm for the privilege! Neddy: People like you - maybe? Bluebottle: Holds up stump of right arm. I already have! Min: Come along; the Master doesn't like to be kept waiting buddy! Sabrina: Is he...um...Thynne, I mean...is he your husband? Henry: The Master is not yet married; nor do I think he ever will be! We are simply his...servants - for want of a better word. Sabrina: Oh. Thynne: (approaching) Min! Bluebottle! Go and assist Henry. I will entertain these two idiots. Neddy: Neddy Seagoon. FX: FALLING BOMB - EXPLOSION Neddy: Blast! And this is my fiancee, Sabrina! Thynne: Enchante! (Sabrina giggles) Well; how nice! And what charming underclothes you both have! But here. Put these on! They'll make you feel less...um ...vulnerable! It's not often we receive visitors here; let alone offer them - horspitality! Neddy: Lab smocks? Hospitality?? All we wanted to do was to use your telephone, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore! Sabrina: Neddy! Don't be ungrateful! Neddy: Ungrateful??!! Thynne: How Forceful you are Neddy! Such a perfect specimen of manhood! So...Dominant! You must be awfully proud of him, Sabrina! Sabrina: (coy) Well...yes, I am! Thynne: Do you have any tattoos, Neddy? Neddy: Certainly not! Thynne: Oh well. Pity. Such a large area to put them on too...(to Sabrina) How 'bout you? Sabrina: (giggles) Henry: Everything is in readiness, Master; we merely await your...word. Thynne: Thank you Henry. (voice echos through PA) Ladeees and Gentlmeeeen. FX: TILL Thynne: Last orders please.oh sorry. Tonight, you are to witness a new breakthrough in bio-chemical research! And Paradise is to be MINE! (applause) It was strange the way it happened. Suddenly, you get a break. All the pieces seem to fit into place. What a sucker you've been. What a fool! Henry: (Close to mic) You can say that again! Thynne: The answer was there, all the time! It took a small accident to make it happen! An ACCIDENT! And that's how I discovered the secret; that elusive ingredient;..that SPARK of life! Yes! I have that knowledge! I hold the secret...to LIFE....ITSELF!! (applause) You see; you are fortunate, for tonight is the night that my beautiful creature is destined to be BORN!!! (applause) (to Henry) Throw open the switches on the Sonic Oscillator, and step up the reactor power Three More Points!!! And you, Bluebottle, time it with your watch! FX: HUGE CRASH OF THUNDER, MULTITUDE OF ELECTRONIC EFFECTS, VERY LOUD. Henry: Goodness me! That's a noisy machine! Bluebottle: Machine? That was my watch! ORCHESTRA: GOON CHORD! Sabrina: (frightened) Oh Neddy! Neddy: It's all right Sabrina! Thynne: And NOW.! ORCHESTRA: FLARING CHORD!! Thynne: Oh! ...ECCLES!!! ORCHESTRA: INTRO. Eccles: The Sword of Damocles is hanging over my head. And I've got the feeling someone's Going to be cutting the thread! Oh - woe is me! My life is a misery! Oh - can't you see; That I'm at the start of a pretty big downer... I woke up this morning with a start When I fell out of bed.. (Guests: That ain't no Crime!) Eccles: And left from my dreaming was a feeling of Unnamable dread...(that ain't no Crime) My - high is low; - ...I'm dressed up with no place to go And - all I know is I'm at the start of a pretty big downer! Oh-no-no-no (Shanana-ain't no Crime) Oh-no-no-no (Shanana-ain't no Crime) Oh-no-no-no (Shanana-ain't no Crime) Aahhh!! The Sword of Damocles is hanging over my head. (that ain't no Crime) And I've got the feeling someone's Going to be cutting the thread! (that ain't no Crime) Oh - woe is me! My life is a misery! An...d can't you see; That I'm at the start of a pretty big downer... Oh-no-no-no (Shanana-ain't no Crime) Oh-no-no-no (Shanana-ain't no Crime) Oh-no-no-no (Shanana-ain't no Crime) Aahhh!!! Oh-no-no-no (Shanana-ain't no Crime) Oh-no-no-no (Shanana-ain't no Crime) Oh-no-no-no (Shanana-ain't no Crime) AAHHH!!! Shanana! Thynne: Well really! That's no way to behave on your first day out! Oh...um...but...since you're such an exceptional beauty (well, that's what the script says, but frankly.well.er.) Eccles: All right, I ain't no oil painting. Thynne: I'll say you aren't!!! But at least the whole thing worked! Oh, I just LOVE Success! Henry: He's a credit to your genius Master! Thynne: Yes! Min: A Triumph of your Will! Thynne: Yes! Bluebottle: He's OK! (pause.) Thynne: Ok, Bluebottle? OK??!! I think we can do better than that!!! Well, Neddy, Sabrina - what do YOU think of him? Sabrina: Well...I don't like men with too many muscles! Thynne: (furious) I didn't make him... for YOU!!! He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval! ORCHESTRA: INTRO INTO. Thynne: A weakling weighing 98 pounds Will get sand in his face when kicked to the ground And soon in the Gym; with a determined chin The sweat from his pores as he works for his cause Will make him glisten and Gleam; and with Massage; and just a little bit of steeeam He'll be pink and quite clean He'll be a strong man But the wrong man He'll eat nutritious high protein, and swallow raw eggs; Try to build up his shoulders, His chest, arms and....legs! Such an effort! If he only knew of my plan... In just seven days... All: I can make you...a MA - AN! Thynne: He'll do pressups, and chinups, Do the snatch, clean & jerk, Using dynamic tension; must be hard work! Such strenuous living, I just don't understand, When in just seven days... All: I can make you...a MA - AN! FX; DUNGEON DOOR CREAKING OPEN Bluebottle: It's Morinarnty!!! FX: MOTORBIKE ROARS UP, CRASHES. Min: Morarity, that's MY motorbike! ORCHESTRA INTRO Moriarty: Whatever happened to Saturday Night When you dressed up sharp and you felt all right. It don't seem the same since cosmic lights Came into my life and I thought I was devi - ne. I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go And listen to the music on the radio; A saxophone was blowing on a Rock & Roll Show And you climbed in the back and you really had a good ti - me! (CHORUS) All: Hot Patootie, bless my soul; I really love that Rock & Roll! Hot Patootie, bless my soul; I really love that Rock & Roll! Hot Patootie, bless my soul; I really love that Rock & Roll! Hot Patootie, bless my soul; I really love that Rock & Roll! ORCHESTRA: WILD SAX BREAK Moriarty: My head it used to swim from the perfume I smelt, My hands kinda fumbled with her white plastic belt, I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt, And she'd whisper in my ear tonight she was really mi-ine, Get back in front, put some hair oil on, Buddy Holly was singing his very last song; With your arm around your girl you'd try to sing along, You felt pretty good cause you'd really had a good ti - me! Hot Patootie, bless my soul; I really love that Rock & Roll! Hot Patootie, bless my soul; I really love that Rock & Roll! Hot Patootie, bless my soul; I really love that Rock & Roll! Hot Patootie, bless my soul; I really love that Rock & Roll!.... FX: HUGE CRASH, DOOR OPENS. MORIARTY SCREAMS Sabrina: What's happening? Ned: It's Thynne! He's got an ice axe and he's.errchh! Min: Oooooooh! Sabrina: Ahhh! Bluebottle: Eurchh! Jim Spriggs: Ahh-he-eee! Henry: Don't look, Min, it's NOT a pretty sight! Thynne: One from the vaults! Eccles: Ooooooooooooh! Ooh, no, no, no, no, no. Thynne: Oh - baby! Now come on, don't be upset. It was a MERCY killing! He had a certain naive charm; but no muscle! (continues with Charles Atlas reprise...) But a...deltoid; and a bicep; A hot groin and a...tricep... Makes me...Oooh-oh-oooh...shake! Makes me wanna take Charles Atlas by the...ha - nd In just seven days... ...I can make you..a MA - AN! I don't want no dissension, Just dynamic tension... Sabrina: I'm a muscle fa - an! Thynne: In just seven days...I can make you..a MA - AN! Dig it, if you ca - a - n! In just seven days...I can make you..a MA - AN! ORCHESTRA: GUITAR VERSION OF THE WEDDING MARCH Guests: Eccles cheer (Eccles, Eccles, Rah, rah, rah!) (slow fade out.) Wallace: There are those who say that life is an illusion, and that reality is simply a figment of the imagination. If this is so then Neddy and Sabrina are quite safe. However. The sudden departure of their host and his creation into the seclusion of his sombre bridal suite had left them feeling both apprehensive and uneasy. A feeling which grew, as the other guests departed and they were shown to their separate rooms. FX: DOOR SLAM. PAUSE SINGLE KNOCK. Sabrina: Who is it? FX: TWO KNOCKS Sabrina: Anybody else? FX: THREE KNOCKS Sabrina: How do you spell it? FX: STRING OF KNOCKS Sabrina: I've never heard of either of you! FX: DOOR OPENS "Neddy": It's only me Sabrina! Sabrina: (relief) Oh; Neddy darling! Come in! Oh but what if... "Neddy": Everything's going to be all right! Sabrina: Oh - I hope so my darling! Just a minute, you're wearing a wig! And you're not as small as I thought you were..Oh Oh! It's YOU! Thynne: I'm afraid so Sabrina; but isn't it NICE! Sabrina: Oh, you beast! You Monster! Oh; What have you done with Neddy?! Thynne: Er...oh...nothing! Why; do you think I should? Sabrina: You tricked me! I wouldn't have! I never... ever... Thynne: Yes, I know; but it isn't all bad, is it? You'll find it quite...mmm...pleasurable! Sabrina: (protests quite loudly...) Thynne: Shh! Neddy would be asleep now! Do you want him to see you...like THIS! FX: WHOOSH! Sabrina: Ooof! Thynne: Or even like this! FX: WHOOSH! Sabrina: Ahhgh! Thynne: Or even like this! FX: WHOOSH! Sabrina: Oh, I say, not like that; why not like this? FX: WHOOSH Thynne: Well, if you insist! Sabrina: (gasp! - giggle - suddenly coy) Promise you won't tell Neddy? Thynne: Cross my heart and hope to die! ORCHESTRA: (SHOUTS) STICK A NEEDLE IN MY EYE! (pause) Eccles: (very suggestively) OoooooooOOOOOoooooooooohhhh! ORCHESTRA: LINK FX: DOOR OPENING "Sabrina": Oh Neddy, It's no good here!...It'll destroy us! Neddy: Don't worry Sabrina, we'll be away from here in the morning. "Sabrina": Oh Neddy, you're so strong and protective! Neddy: Oh.er.ahem. Now just a minute Sabrina I.YOU!!! Thynne: I'm afraid so Neddy; but isn't it NICE! Neddy: Why you...! What have you done with Sabrina?!! Thynne: Er...oh...nothing! Why; do you think I should? Neddy: You tricked me! I wouldn't have! I never...ever... Thynne: Yes, I know; but it isn't all bad, is it? Not even...half bad! I think you'll really quite...mmm...enjoy it! Neddy: (protests...) Thynne: Shhh! Sabrina's probably asleep by now! Do you want her to see you...like THIS! FX: WHOOSH! Neddy: Ooof! Thynne: Or even like this! FX: WHOOSH! Neddy: Ahhgh! Thynne: Or even like this! FX: WHOOSH! Neddy: Oh!! It's your fault! You are to blame! I thought it was the real thing! Whole cast: It IS!!! Thynne: Oh, come on Neddy; admit it...you liked it didn't you?! There's no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure! Oh Neddy...(starts intimacy again...) we've wasted so much time already...Sabrina needn't know...I won't tell her... Neddy: You promise you won't tell? Thynne: (indistinct) On my mother's grave... Henry: (from TV intercom) Master. Eccles has broken his chains and vanished. The new playmate is loose and somewhere in the castle grounds. Min has just released the dogs. Thynne: Ah...COM-ING!! ORCHESTRA: DICK BARTON GALLOP OVER. FX: SOUND OF BOOTS DEPARTING AT SPEED. DOOR CLOSING Sabrina: (distressed) What's happening here?! Where's Neddy?? Where's ANYBODY?! Oh Neddy! Neddy my darling! Oh...how could I have done this to you? Oh, if only we hadn't made this journey! ORCHESTRA: BUT YOU DID! Sabrina: If only the car hadn't broken down! ORCHESTRA: BUT IT DID! Sabrina: If only we were amongst friends! ORCHESTRA: BUT YOU AIN'T! Sabrina: ...or sane persons! Jim Spriggs: Well, two out of three ain't bad, Jeem! Sabrina: Oh Neddy! What have they done with him?! Eccles: (groans) FX: CLOTH RUSTLE. Sabrina: Oh It's you, Eccles. I say...you're hurt! Did THEY do this to you?! Eccles: Yeah! Sabrina: Here...(FX: RIP)...I'll dress your wounds. Baby, there... (Pause) Eccles: OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH! Wallace: Ahem! Oxford English Dictionary: Emotion; affectation or disturbance of mind; vehement or excited mental state...."It is also a powerful and irrational master! And from what Min and Bluebottle eagerly viewed on their television monitor, There seemed little doubt that Sabrina was indeed...it's slave! Bluebottle & Min: (together) Tell us about it Sabrina!!! (laughter) Sabrina: I was feeling done in....couldn't win... I'd only ever kissed before. Bluebottle: You mean she...? Min: Mmm!! Bluebottle: Oeweee! I like this game! Pauses to wipe drool off chin! Sabrina: I thought, there's no use getting Into heavy petting; It only leads to trouble, and Seat-wetting! Now all I want to know Is how to go I've tasted blood and I want more... Bluebottle and Min: (together) More, more, more!!! Sabrina: I'll put up no resistance, I want to stay the distance, I've got an itch to scratch, I need assistance! (CHORUS): Toucha-toucha-toucha-touch me; I wanna be dirty! Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me; Creature of the night! Then if anything grows (giggle) While you pose, I'll oil you up and rub you down! Bluebottle and Min: (together) Down, down, down! And that's just one small fraction Of the main attraction; You need a friendly hand, And I need action!... (CHORUS): Toucha-toucha-toucha-touch me; I wanna be dirty! Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me; Creature of the night! Bluebottle: Toucha-toucha-toucha-touch me; Min: I wanna be dirty! Bluebottle: Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me; Min: Creature of the night! Sabrina: Toucha-toucha-toucha-touch me; I wanna be dirty! Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me; Creature of the night! OMNES: (SHOUT) NEXT!! Eccles: Creature of the night! OMNES: (SHOUT) NEXT!! Neddy: Creature of the night! OMNES: (SHOUT) NEXT!! Thynne: Creature of the night! OMNES: (SHOUT) NEXT!! Min: Creature of the night! OMNES: (SHOUT) NEXT!! Henry: Creature of the night! OMNES: (SHOUT) NEXT!! Bluebottle: Creature of the night! OMNES: (SHOUT) NEXT!! Eccles: Creature of the night! OMNES: (SHOUT) NEXT!! Sabrina: Creature of the night! (sensual gasp) (pause) Bluebottle: Ehheueueue!!! I LIKE this game!!! ORCHESTRA; LINK FX: SERIES OF WHIP CRACKS Henry: MERCY!! Thynne: How did it happen?!! I understood you were to be WATCHING! Henry: I was only away for a minute, Master. Thynne: Then...see if you can find him...on the MONITOR!!! GET!! FX: SERIES OF STRANGE ELECTRONIC SOUNDS Henry: Master: Master; we have a visitor! Thynne: Really? Who is it? Henry: (big announcement) IT'S..! ORCHESTRA: BLOODNOK THEME FX: HUGE EXPLOSION Bloodnok: (Over above) Aughgh! Neddy: Hey! Dennis!! (explains) Major Dennis Bloodnok! Henry: You know this person?? Neddy: I most certainly do! He happens to be an old friend of mine! Thynne: I see! So this wasn't simply a 'chance meeting'? You came here on a PORPOSE! Neddy: No, with a purpose! I told you, my car broke down! I was telling the truth! Thynne: I know what you told me Neddy! But this Major Dennis Bloodnok...his name is not unknown to me! Neddy: He was my old major in the Third Armoured Thunderboxes! Thynne: And now he works for your government, doesn't he Neddy? He's attached to the Bureau of Investigation of that which you call (shouts) U.F.Os!!! Neddy: He might be! Henry: The intruder is entering the building Master. Thynne: He'll probably be in...the Zen room! ORCHESTRA: HEAVY SITAR PLAYING. Bloodnok: Aughhh!! I say, I shall have to come back here at some stage. ORCHESTRA: SITAR STOPS ABRUPTLY Thynne: Shall we inquire of him...in PERSON??! FX: HUGE SWITCH THROWN (MASSIVE CLANG). SERIES OF CRAZY SOUNDS PLAYED AT SPEED TO SOUND LIKE SOME FORM OF ENGINE. CRASH OF WALL COMING DOWN. Bloodnok: Aaaughhghgh! Auughg! And in that order! Neddy: Major Bloodnok! Bloodnok: Thynne! We meet at last! Neddy: Major Bloodnok! (holds out hand) Bloodnok: Neddy! (shakes hand) What are you doing here? Neddy: Slumming! Thynne: Don't play games, Bloodnok. You know perfectly well what Neddy Seagoon is doing here! It was part of your plan, was it not? That he and his female should check the layout for you? Well, unfortunately for you all, the plans are to be changed! I hope you are adaptable Bloodnok. I know Neddy is! Bloodnok: I can assure you that Neddy's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me! I came here to find Moriarty! Neddy: Moriarty! I've seen him! He's... Thynne: (interrupts) Moriarty?! What do you know of Moriarty, Bloodnok? Bloodnok: I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things! You see, Moriarty happens to be my nephew! Sabrina: (distant) Oooh, Eccles, I didn't know you were so. Bloodnok: (yells) Sabrina! Sabrina: Bloodnok! Neddy: Sabrina! Sabrina: Neddy! Thynne: Eccles! Eccles: Oooh! Bloodnok: Sabrina! Sabrina: Bloodnok! Neddy: Sabrina! Sabrina: Neddy! Thynne: Eccles! Eccles: Oooh! Bloodnok: Sabrina! Sabrina: Bloodnok! Neddy: Sabrina! Sabrina: Neddy! Thynne: Eccles! Eccles: Ooooooh! Thynne: Listen Eccles! I made you; and I can BREAK you just as easily! FX: GONG! Min: Master; dinner is prepared!!! Thynne: (faintly) Excellent! Under the circumstances...formal dress is to be OPTIONAL!! Neddy: Oh good, that means we don't have to dress for dinner! Yummy! Wallace: Food has always played a vital part in life's rituals; the breaking of bread, the last meal of the condemned man, and now...this meal. However informal it might appear, you can be sure there was to be very little 'bon-ami'! Neddy: Bon - ami? What does it mean? What does it mean? Jim: It means you're ignorant Jeem! Neddy: Rubbish! Listen to this! 1 + 1 = 2! C-A-T spells cat! D-O-G spells.erm.D-O-G spells. Jim: D-O-G spells what, Jim? Neddy: Correct; D-O-G spells WHAT, JIM! (Mad laugh) ORCHESTRA: TA-DAAA! Thynne: A toast! To absent friends. FX: HUGE CRASH OF SHOPFRONT WINDOW Neddy: Ahh, my glass! Thynne: ...and Eccles! Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you; Happy Birthday dear Eccles...Shall we? FX: CUTTLERY AND CROCKERY CLATTERING. Bloodnok: We came here to discuss Moriarty. Bluebottle: Moriarty?? Thynne: Hmmm. That's rather a tender subject! Another slice anyone? Bluebottle: Slice, Mr Thynne? You mean,. Bloodnok: I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but it was worse than I imagined! Aliens! Neddy: Bloodnok! Thynne: Go on Bloodnok! Or should I say, VON Bloodnok! Neddy: (furious) Just what exactly are you implying??? Bloodnok: (shouts) It's all right! Neddy: But Major! You're true blue British, aren't you? Bloodnok: Well, not exactly blue, more a fat yellow...erm...but enough about me. Let me tell you a little about Moriarty. ORCHESTRA INTRO: Bloodnok: From the day he was born, He was trouble. He was the thorn In his mother's side. She tried in vain, Wallace: But he never caused her nothing but shame! Bloodnok: He left home the day she died! From the day he was born, All he wanted, Was rock'n'roll porn, And a motor bike. Shooting up junk, Wallace: He was a low-down cheap little punk! Bloodnok: Taking everyone for a ride! (CHORUS) All: When Moriarty said he Didn't like his teddy, you Knew he was a no-good kid! But when he threatened your life With a switch-blade knife... Thynne: What a guy... Sabrina: Makes you cry... Bloodnok: And I did! Min: Everybody shoved him, I very nearly loved him! I said, Hey listen to me, Stay sane inside insanity, But he locked the door and Threw away the key, mum-diddle-eee! Bloodnok: But he must have been drawn Into something, Making him warn Me in a note which reads... All: What's it say, what's it say? Moriarty's ghost: I'm out of my head; Oh hurry, or I may be dead! They mustn't carry out their evil deeds! (scream) (CHORUS reprise, twice) Sabrina screams FX: FOOTSTEPS Neddy: I say Sabrina, you're MY fiancee, not Eccles' Eccles: I don't mind! Thynne: Oh!! Eccles!! How...Could You! ORCHESTRA INTRO: Thynne: I'll tell you once; I'll tell you twice; You'd better wise up, Sabrina! Your Apple Pie don't taste too nice! You'd better wise up, Sabrina! My flavoured seed, it should be all you need; You're as sensual as a pencil, Wound up like a cross-bow string! When we made it, did you hear a bell ring?? FX: HUGE BELL. You'd better, take my advice; You'd better wise up, Sabrina! The Transducer, will seduce yah! FX: HUGE SWITCH IS PULLED WITH A CLANG Sabrina: (speaks) Ahh! My feet! I can't move my feet! Bloodnok: Neither can I! Neddy: It's as if we're glued to the spot! Thynne: You ARE! So QUAKE WITH FEAR, you Tiny FOOLS!!! Sabrina: We're TRAPPED!! Thynne: (sings) Its something you'll get used to; a mental mind-trap can be nice! Bloodnok: (speaking) You won't find Earth people quite the easy mark you imagine! This Sonic Transducer...it is I suppose, some kind of audio-vibratory-physio- molecular transport device???? Neddy: You Mean...??! Bloodnok: Yes Neddy, it's something we ourselves have been working on for quite some time! But it seems our friend here has found some means of perfecting it! A device which is capable of breaking down solid matter, and then...projecting it...through space...and who knows...perhaps even...TIME ITSELF!!! Sabrina: You mean...he's going to send us to another planet?! Thynne: Planet??!! Shmanet!!! Sabrina!! (sings) You'd better wise up, Sabrina! You'd better wise up, build your thighs up! You'd better wise up... Wallace: And then she cried out... Sabrina: (scream) STOOOOOOOP!!! Thynne: Don't - get - hot - and - flu-stered; Use a bit of mustard! Neddy: You're a hot-dog, but you'd Better not try to Hurt her- Thynne - furter... FX: SWITCH THROWN. Bloodnok: You're a hot-dog, but you'd Better not try to Hurt her- Thynne - furter... FX: SWITCH THROWN. Sabrina: You're a hot-dog... FX: SWITCH THROWN. Bluebottle: Mr Thynne, I don't like this game! I thought it was a good game, but now it's gone bad. I want to go back to East Finchley! Starts to cry, I wanna go HOME! Thynne: Shut up! Bluebottle: No! Thynne: Be quiet! Bluebottle: Never! Let's fly with catapault! Ping!! FX: HUGE SHOP WINDOW BREAKING Thynne: Argh! You swine! My spectacles! (shouts) Min! FX: SWITCH THROWN. Thynne: Whew! That's better! It's not easy having a good time; even smiling makes my face ache! And my children turn on me! Eccles's behaving just the way that Moriarty did! Did I make a mistake, splitting his brain between the two of them? Min: Come on Mr Thynne, I want to go home too!! When will we return to Transylvania?? Thynne: Min; I am indeed grateful to both you and Henry. You have both served me well. Loyalty such as yours should not go unrewarded. You will discover that when the mood takes me, I can be quite generous! Min: I ask for nothing...much! Thynne: (furious) and you shall receive it...in abundance!! Come - we are ready for the Floor Show! Henry: Floor Show? What's the floor show Flowerdew: Nothing, its covered by a carpet! ORCHESTRA: GOON CHORD Wallace: And so, by some extraordinary coincidence, fate, it seemed, had decided that Neddy and Sabrina should keep that appointment with their friend, Major Dennis Bloodnok. But it was to be in a situation which none of them could have possibly foreseen! And just a few hours after announcing their engagement, Neddy and Sabrina had both tasted...forbidden fruit! Eccles: Oooohhhh!! Wallace: Eccles, stop that at once. It's not nice! It would seem that their host was a man of little morals, and some persuasion! What further indignities were they to be subjected to? And what of the 'Floor Show' that had been spoken of? In an empty house? In the middle of the night? What diabolical plan had seized Thynne's crazed imagination? What indeed?! From what had gone before, it was clear that this was to be - No Picnic! Ned: And I had everything packed for it too! Oh well! ORCHESTRA INTRO FX: SWITCH CLANG Bluebottle: It was great when it all began; I was a regular Grytpype Fan But it was over when he had the plan Of working on a muscle-man! Now the only thing that gives me hope Is a life as a satin dope! Rose-tints my world and keeps me safe from my Trouble and pai---n! FX: SWITCH THROWN. Eccles: I'm just seven hours old, Truly beautiful to behold! And somebody should be told My libido hasn't been controlled! Now the only thing I've come to trust Is an orgasmic rush of lust! Rose-tints my world and keeps me safe from my Trouble and pai----n! FX: SWITCH THROWN. Neddy: It's beyond me, Help me Mommy! I'll be good, you'll see, Take this dream away! What's this?...let's see... I feel .oh goodness me! What's come over me?! Wow! Here it comes again!! FX: SWITCH THROWN. Sabrina: Oh - ah - I feel released; Bad times deceased; My confidence has increased; Reality is here! The game has been disbanded; My mind has been expanded! It's a gas that Grytpype's landed His lust is so sincere! GRAMS: RKO RADIO PICTURE FANFARE Thynne: What ever happened to Fae Raye That delicate, satin-draped frame As it clung to her thigh I started to cry, 'Cause I wanted to be dressed just the same! Give yourself over to absolute pleasure; Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh! Erotic nightmares beyond any measure, And sensual daydreams to treasure for ever! Can't you just feel it? - Ohh - OOHH!! FX: HUGE SPLASH. Thynne: Now where's the soap.ah yes here it is. FX: BATHING SOUNDS Don't dream it...be it... Don't dream it...be it... Don't dream it...be it... (The others join in singing the line, repeat several times.) FX: SWITCH THROWN. Bloodnok: Augh!!! We've got to get out of this trap! Before this decadence saps our wits! On the other hand though, If we stay put, My life will be lived... (sings) FOR - THE - THRILL....! Neddy: It's beyond me, Help me Mommy! Sabrina: God bless Lilly St Cyr! ORCHESTRA: HEAVY ROCK INTRO Thynne: (sings an introduction, then...) I'm a wild and an untamed thing! I'm a bee with a deadly sting! Flowerdew: Oooh! Thynne: Sorry! You've a head and your mind goes ping! Your heart's a-pumping and your blood will sing! Let the party and the sound rock on! We're gonna shake it till the life is gone-gone-gone! Rose 'tis my world, keeps me safe from my trouble And pai - n! All: We're wild and an untamed things! We are bees with deadly stings! We get ahead and our mind goes ping! Our heart's a-pumping and our blood will sing! Let the party and the sound rock on! We're gonna shake it till the life is gone-gone-gone! Rose-tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble And pai - n! Henry: (approaching) HOLD IT!!! (loaded pause) Henry: Grytpype-Thynn, it is all over! Your mission is a failure, Your life-style's too extreme! I'm your new commander, you now are my prisoner! We return to Transylvania! Prepare the transit beam! Thynne: (panic) Wait! I - I can explain! (whispers) You get the lights, Ned: Right! Thynne: You get the music. Bluebottle: OK Thynne: And I'll get the hell out of here! Bluebottle: What?? Thynne: I said I'll sing. Bluebottle: I thought you said. FX: SLAPSTICK Bluebottle: (Screams) Oh all right you said that you would sing. Thynne: (sings) On the day I went away... (Neddy, Sabrina, Bloodnok & Eccles: Goodby - y - e) Thynne: ...was all I had to say, (Now, I - I) I want to come again, and stay. (Oh, my, my - y.) Smile, and that will mean I may - y - y! 'Cause I've seen - oh - blue skies Through the tears in my eyes And I realize, I'm going home All: I'm going home. Thynne: Everywhere, it's been the same...(Been the same.) Like I'm outside in the rain; (Been the same.) Free, to try and find the game (Been the same.) Cards for sorrow, cards for pai - i - n 'Cause I've seen - oh - blue skies Through the tears in my eyes And I realize, I'm going home All: I'm going home. I'm going home. Bluebottle: (speaking) I'm going home too; I just remembered I left the cat running in the sink! All: I'm Go - ing - Home! FX: SUDDEN HUGE APPLAUSE Ned: Stoooop! FX; OUT Ned: Start! FX: APPLAUSE RENEWED Ned: Stooop! FX: APPLAUSE OUT Ned: We've got them eating out of our hands tonight! Wal: But Ned, the audiences we get eat out of their hands every night! Thynne: OK Henry, let's get out of here! Henry: Sorry Grytpype, wou see, when I said WE were to return to Transylvania, I referred only to Min and myself! I'm sorry however, if you found my words misleading. But you see, you were to remain here...IN SPIRIT ANYWAY!!! Bloodnok: Good heavens; that's a laser! Henry: Yes, Bloodnok; a laser capable of emitting a beam of pure antimatter! Or something like that - I don't really know. But it's nasty anyway! Neddy: You mean...you're going to kill him??? What's his crime?? Bloodnok: You saw what became of Moriarty. (smug) Society must be protected! Henry: Exactly Bloodnok. And now Thynne, your time has come! Say goodbye to all of (indicates room with laser around) This...and Hello...to OBLIVION!! Eccles: Hello Oblivion, how's the wife and kids? FX: HUGE ZAP. SWANEE WHISTLE DOWN. HUGE SPLASH Little Jim: He's Fallen in da Water! Min: Henry! I thought you liked him! He liked you! Henry: (yells) HE DIDN'T LIKE ME!!! HE NEVER LIKED ME!!! Min: Now Henry, don't get paranoid! Bloodnok: You did right! Henry: A decision had to be made! Bloodnok: (scared) You're all right by me! Henry: Bloodnok; I'm sorry about your nephew. Bloodnok: Moriarty? Yes, well; perhaps it was for the best! (laughs) Henry: You should leave now Bloodnok, while it is still possible! We are about to beam the entire house back to the planet of Transsexual in the galaxy of Transylvania. Neddy: Right! Let's go!! FX: THREE WHOOSHES, SKYLINE, SOUNDS OF SABRINA, NEDDY, BLOODNOK AND BLUEBOTTLE COMING OUT THE DOOR AT SPEED. SATURN V TAKES OFF - TAKES ABOUT FIFTEEN SECONDS. SLOW FADE-OUT Bloodnok: Augh, I've never had it this bad before! ORCHESTRA; INTRO Neddy: I've done a lot; god knows I've tried; To find the truth; I've even lied; And all I know, is down inside, I'm bleeding. Sabrina: And Super - Goons, come to feast; To taste the flesh, not yet deceased! And all I know, is still the beast Is feeding... (instrumental interlude) Wallace: (speaks in time with the music...) And crawling, on the planet's face Some insects; called the Human Race Lost in time, and lost in space And meaning. All: Mea - n - ing! Pause: Bluebottle: (far distance) I don't like this game!!! ORCHESTRA: GOON CHORD, THEN INTRO INTO. Ned, Henry and Min: (a-la 'We'll Gather Lilacs') Science Fiction, Double Feature Thynne has built and lost his creature, Neddy & Sabrina have totally had it; The others gone to a distant planet Oh - oh - oh - oh At the Late-Night, Double Feature Picture Show. I wanna go To the Late-Night, Double Feature, Pic-ture - Show. ORCHESTRA: HUGE CHORD TO END. Wallace: (over silence) That was the Rocky Horror Goon Show. Starring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, Spike Milligan, Sabrina, Ray Ellington, and Angela Morley. Orchestra conducted by Peter Knight, Script was by pastiche Spike Milligan, announcer and narrator Wallace Greenslade, the whole was produced by putting it onto a piece of wood and bashing a few nails through it. And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, would you all kindly stand for the signature tune. SELLARS PLAYS THE PIANO VERY BADLY FOR THE TIMEWARP WHOLE CAST: It's Astounding; Time is Fleeting; Madness - takes its toll! But listen closely... Not for very much longer... I've got to - keep control! I remember - doing the Time Warp! Drinking - those moments when - The blackness would hit me And the void would be call - ing... LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! LET'S DO THE TIME WARP. A - GAIN! (sung as an Amen) ORCHESTRA, HUGE GLISSANDO DOWN INTO THE GOON GALLOP AND TO END. MAX AND ORCHESTRA; CRAZY RHYTHM PLAYOUT. THE END ___________________________ Thank you. Any flames will be ignored.