From: David Bromage (dbromage eccles fang.omni.com.au)
Subject: The Race to Mornington Crescent
Date: 2001-06-14 00:18:59 PST
Finally finished my first full length original script. Comments welcome.
Greenslade: This is the BBC.
FX: Duck quack
Greenslade: Thank you. That duck was brought to you by the Governors of
BBC wireless. Tune in to the Light Program next week when
you will hear.
FX: Duck quack
GRAMS: Wild applause and cheering
Greenslade: And now, we present...
Sellers: One moment, Mr Greenslade. I have an important announcement
Greenslade: But you are interrupting my introduction of the introduction.
Sellers: It's about your record.
Greenslade: Really? Is it.... is it good news? Please, tell me.
Sellers: Your record has sold....
Sellers: Three copies!
Greenslade: I never thought it would go so well. And now....
FX: Duck quack
Greenslade: I thought that was next week.
Seagoon: It's me.
Greenslade: Have a care, Mr Seagoon. I have not yet introduced you.
Seagoon: The proceed, Wallace. Announce to the listeners via the
talking-type wireless the words they long to hear.
Greenslade: Very well. Ladies and gentlemen, Ned Seagoon.
GRAMS: Screams and running away
Seagoon: Come back! Come back!
Greenslade: This then is introduction to the highly esteemed Goon Show.
ORCHESTRA: Weak, out of tune "ta raa".
Greenslade: We present The Race to Mornington Crescent. The winner will
be the first person win by arriving at the finish line. I am
joined in the commentary box by John Snagge.
Snagge: Good afternoon and welcome to Neasden. This is a most
memorable occasion for me as it is the 203rd occasion I
have announced this race since it started in 1897. We have
a few minutes before the race begins, so Wallace will
interview some of the runners.
Grrenslade: You just want the box to yourself, John.
Snagge: There is only one chair and one tea cup between us. The BBC
isn't made of money and my record isn't selling well.
Greenslade: Now I shall interview some of the runners.
Greenslade: Standing next to me is a short bladder of lard. What is your
Seagoon: You've already inroduced me once, Wal.
Greenslade: That was before I introduced the story.
Seagoon: Oh, right. Then play this gramophone record and and all
will be revealed.
Seagoon: (pre rec, backwards) My name is Ned Seagoon.
Seagoon: WhatWhatWhatWhatWhatWhatWhat? The label is upside down. Let
me try again.
Seagoon: (pre rec) My name is Ned Seagoon.
Greenslade: Mr Seagoon, what makes you think you can win this race?
Seagoon: Because I'm running for the glory of England, sir, for the
honour of our island heritage! (sings) Rule Britannia,
FX: Flying haggis splat
Greenslade: For the benefit of listeners with black and white radios, Mr
Seagoon has just been hit with a flying haggis.
Laird Red Hairy McLegs:
And there's more where that came from, laddie.
Greenslade: Ah, a Scotsman, I see.
McLegs: That's right, ye sassenach fool.
Greenslade: Can I ask you why you think you can win this race?
McLegs: Aye, ye can ask, but I'm sworrrrn tae secrecy. If I tell ye,
then a powerful infernal device in ma sporran will explode!
FX: Running feet recede into the middle distance.
Greenslade: (shouting from distace) Perhaps I had better not enquire then.
Now, who are these two gentlemen dressed in immaculate brown
Grytpype: Good afternoon. My name is Hercules Grytpype-Thynne. We are
the Spon Team. This is my partner, count Jim "Trembles"...
Grytpype: ... Moriarty. Winner of the 1923 race to Rue de Plonge. We
have a winning strategy that cannot fail, revealed to us by
secret stone and string tablets found in a dustbin in Exeter.
Greenslade: And what is this winning strategy?
Moriarty: We have two, I say! Two strategies.
Grytpype: Each forming one half of a connected and foolproof whole.
Moriarty, tell him what the first one is.
Moriarty: Sex appeal, *sex* appeal, do you hear me?
Greenslade: And the second?
Grytpype: We're going to ride a motorbike!
Seagoon: I say, isn't that rather a rotten trick?
Grytpype: Is it? I wouldn't know.
Greenslade: I'm sorry, I cannot abide by cheating. I shall have to report
you to the judges.
Grytpype: Fifty pounds be enough?
Greenslade: Well, I... I...
Grytpype: A hundred?
FX: Cash register
Grytpype: Moriarty, warm up the motor cycle. I shall ride in the
GRAMS: Motor cycle starting up
Grytpype: Pass me my leather helmet and goggles.
Ned: This is supposed to be a running race.
Grytpype: And she's running very nicely, too.
GRAMS: Motor cycle gives a few revs.
Ned: But you can't do that! i'm going to call tell the referees.
Calling the referees! Heeeeeelp!
Bluebottle: I heard you call, my capitan! I heard you call me. Enter
Bluebottle, pauses for audience sosinges.
Ned: Are you the referee?
Bluebottle: Yes! We are!
Eccles: Yer..... we are.
Ned: These two men are trying to enter a motor bike in a foot
Eccles: Oooooo...... let us see.
Grytpype: Neddy, this isn't a real motor bike, it's only a cardboard
Ned: But it looks like a motor bike, and it tastes like a motor
Bluebottle: It is! These naughty men are trying to cheat!
Moriarty: Fifty pounds?
Moriarty: A hundred?
Moriarty: A quarter of dolly mixtures?
Bluebottle: Tee hee. Now Molly Spits will think twice about me.
Eccles: Wait a minute, my good man. Dis here is a real motor bike and
my little book says dey are..... naughty!
Grytpype: Fifty pounds enough?
Eccles: Dat is also... naughty!
Grytpype: A hundred?
Eccles: Errrr.... no!
Grytpype: A poster of Sabrina?
Eccles: Oh ho ho ho ho!You can't do dat to me.
Grytpype: Perhaps we can settle this amicably.
Eccles: Ow! Ooooowwwwww! I accept your apology.
Greenslade: And now we return you to John Snagge in the commentary box for
an important announcement.
Snagge: Ladies and gentlemen, I have just received word that my
record has just sold two more copies in Lewisham. And we have
just had news of a late entry. The final entry, having just
arrived by tram from Bombay, has arrived at the podium.
ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme
GRAMS: Bloodnok explosions
Bloodnok: Eiiiioooooorrghghghgh! Arrrgghhghghghghgh! As you were, lads,
it's only me.
Greenslade: Who are you?
Bloodnok: I, sir, am Major Denis Bloodnok, of the 3rd Disgusting
Lancers. We are going to win this race for the glory of the
Indian Army, and..... money! Isn't that right, lads?
Lalkaka: Your reasoning is of sound capacity to my mind.
Banerjee: You are most definately correct, sahib.
Ned: But they're riding horses. This is a foot race!
Bloodnok: The horses *are* using their feet!
Ned: Gasp! Me against horses and a motor bike, I'll never make it.
I shall have to think of something.
Greenslade: For the benefit of listeners, the the short blue lad on the
podium is about to start the race.
Ned: ARGH! I can't think of anything. How can I win this race for
the glory of England?
Spriggs: Hello, Jim!
Ned: Good heavens! It's a London Undergound station master.
Spriggs: Take the tube, Jim. Take the tube, Jeeeem!
Ned: Of course! The only way to get to Mornington Crescent!
Bluebottle: On your marks.....
Bloodnok: Mount up, lads. Sabres at the ready.
Bluebottle: Get set....
Moriarty: Hold on tight, Grytpype.
GRAMS: Motor bike revving, bagpipes starting
Ned: There's the entrance to the tube station. It's only a short
FX: Starting pistol
GRAMS: Motor bike, horses, bagpipes and running feet into the
GRAMS: Feet running closer with echo
Singhz Thing: Mind the doors, hooray.
GRAMS: Tube train departing station.
Greenslade: While Mr Seagoon takes the tube, Mr Max Geldray will play
his new record in a reclining position.
Max and orchestra: music
Greenslade: The Race to Mornington Crescent, part 2. During the musical
break, my record sold another copy at Fred Nutt's Music
Emporium near Marble Arch. Meanwhile, Ned Seagoon caught
the Jubilee line towards Dollis Hill. Grytpype and Moriarty
rode their motor bike towards Killburn with Bloodnok and his
Lancers close behind, and the haggis-powered Laird bringing
up the rear.
GRAMS: Motor bike at speed
Grytpype: Faster, Moriarty. They're gaining on us.
Moriarty: I'm trying, Grytpype.
GRAMS: Police siren
Grytpype: Curses, it's the police! Pull over, Moriarty.
GRAMS: Motor bike slows and stops
Willium: 'Ello, sonny. Late for the garden party?
GRAMS: Horses approaching
Moriarty: Look, it's Bloodnok and his team!
Bloodnok: Faster, lads. Last one to the Finchley Road mucks out the
GRAMS: Horses riding into the distance
Moriarty: They're getting away! (panicking sounds)
Grytpype: Stop it, Moriarty. I have a plan. Constable, allow me to
introduce myself. My name is Stanley Baldwin.
Willium: But 'e's dead.
Moriarty: Then we must get to a hospital at once!
GRAMS: Motor bike driving off very fast.
Willium: 'Ere, come back! I'll get you!
GRAMS: Police car with siren driving away, followed by running
feet and bagpipes
McLegs: Oot 'o my way, mon!
ORCHESTRA: Change of scene music.
GRAMS: Tube train arriving at station
Seagoon: As I arrived at Baker Street, I had no idea where any of the
runners were. I decided to find out. I ran to the nearest
telephone and called the BBC. I say, there!
Spriggs: Yes, Jim?
Seagoon: You again? Weren't you at Neasden?
Spriggs: No, that was by brother Jim, Jim. My brother Jeeeeem!
Seagoon: Can you direct me to a telephone?
Spriggs: Over there, Jim.
FX: Telephone dialing
Greenslade: Meanwhile, at the BBC master control room and telephone
FX: Wires being clipped
Henry: Mnk.. mnk...It's no good, these wires are too short. Minnie,
did we get a new piece of wire this week?
Minnie: Yes, buddy.
Henry: There where is it?
Minnie: You used it to hold up your socks, buddy.
Minnie: Mnk... so I did. Never mind, I'll fix transmitter with a
piece of string.
FX: Phone ringing
Minnie: Hello, BBC.
Seagoon: (pre rec) Hello. Can you put me thtough to John Snagge?
Minnie: One moment, sir. Henry!!!
Henry: What is it, Min?
Minnie: There's a man on the telephone who wants to speak to Mr
Henry: Mnk.. mnk.. ask him what he wants.
Minnie: What do you want, sir?
Seagoon: (pre rec) I want to speak to John Snagge.
Minnie: He says he wants to speak to John Snagge.
Henry: Really? There's a gentleman on the telephone who wants to
speak to him too.
Minnie: Speak to who?
Henry: To Mr Snagge.
Minnie: John Snagge? The man on the telephone wants to speak to him.
Minnie: The man on the telephone.
Henry: What does he want?
Minnie: To speak to John Snagge.
Henry: There's a man on the telephone who wants to speak to him too.
Minnie: I know that, buddy. Where is he?
Henry: Where is who?
Minnie: Mr Snagge.
Henry: I think he's talking to a man on the telephone.
Seagoon: (pre rec) Hello? Hello? Are you there?
Minnie: Yes sir.
Seagoon: (pre rec) Can I speak to John Snagge?
Minnie: You'll have to wait, there's a man on the telephone who
wants to speak to him first.
Seagoon: (pre rec) I am on the telephone!
Minnie: Henry, he says he's on the telephone.
Henry: Well ask him to wait. I've got ink on my trousers.
Minnie: You'll have to wait, sir. Mr Crun has ink on his trousers.
Seagoon: (pre rec) Tell him to use blotting paper.
Minnie: Henry, the man says to use blotting paper.
Henry: Ooohhh, that's a good idea. I think John Snagge has some.
But he's out calling the race.
Minnie: Does he have a telephone?
Henry: Don't be a silly billy, Min. He's in Neasden. I'll get him on
GRAMS: Radio being tuned
Henry: This is BBC master control centre calling special broadcast
station Neasden. Come in Neasden.
Snagge: (pre rec, crackling) This is Neasden. Go ahead, control.
Henry: This is master controller Henry Crun speaking. Do you read
Snagge: (pre rec) Neasden here. Reading you loud and clear, control.
Henry: Mnk.. good. I have a message for you, Neasden. Are you ready
to receive it?
Snagge: (pre rec) Ready to receive. Go ahead, control.
Henry: Do you have any blotting paper?
Snagge: On my desk, control. Under a pile of unsold copies of
Henry: Thankyou, Neasden. Oh, wait. There's a man on the telephone
who wants to talk to you. Minnie, what does the man on the
Minnie: What did you want, sir?
Seagoon: (pre rec) I want to find out who is winning the race.
Minnie: He wants to know who is winning the race, buddy.
Henry: Hello Neasden? The man wants to know who is winning the race.
Snagge: (pre rec) Hello control. The leader is Major Bloodnok. Over.
Henry: He says it's Major Bloodnok, buddy.
Minnie: He says it's Major Bloodnok, buddy.
Seagoon: (pre rec) ARGH!
Minnie: He's gone, buddy.
Henry: Good. Now where's the gentleman who wanted to speak to Mr
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic change of scene music
Greenslade: Indeed, Major Bloodnok was in the lead. But not for long.
GRAMS: Horses at speed. Bugle call.
Bloodnok: Faster, lads. Faster! (sings) I travel the road, in a
Lalkala: Look out!
GRAMS: Horses screeching to a halt
Bloodnok: What is this? Out of the way, man!
Fred Nurk: What do you want?
Bloodnok: Get this dirty great hole in the road out of the way. We're
trying to win a race.
Nurk: All right, all right. Calm down. We're just doing the drains.
We'll be done in a couple of days.
GRAMS: Motorcycle driving up at speed, screeching to a halt
Moriarty: Look, a hole in the road, Grytpype. A hole, I tell you!
Grytpype: Silence, Moriarty. Do you want to be arrested for commiting
a public oowww? Let me talk to the gentleman. I say, my good
Nurk: What do you want?
Grytpype: The steaming French Count and I are in a race. Would you be
so kind as to move this hole so we can continue?
Nurk: What a lark. We're doing the drains, you see. Hang about and
we'll be done in a couple of days.
Moriarty: Days! We could be stuck her for days with no food. No food,
I tell you!
Grytpype: And another!
GRAMS: Bagpipes screeching to a halt
McLegs: Oot 'o my way, mon! Canna ye see that I'm trying to win a
race for Scotland?
Nurk: Not another one! All right, calm down or I'll nut you with
this shovel. Just wait a couple of days and...
McLegs: Days? Och, time for a wee drappie then.
GRAMS: Long recording of pouring liquid, bubbles, gulping
McLegs: Ah, that's better.
GRAMS: Running feet aproaching
GRAMS: Feet stop
Seagoon: What's happening? Why has the race stopped?
Bloodnok: This soundrel won't move this hole in the road. It's blocking
the race. Why, I'd form the troops into an extended squadron
line and charge the drain workers if I wasn't a complete
Seagoon: We need the referees to decide on this one. Calling the
Seagoon: These council workers won't move their hole in the road.
It's holding up the race.
Eccles: Oooooo.... let me see, my good fellow. Bottle?
Bluebottle: What is it Eccles?
Eccles: These good men won't move this 'ere hold in the road.
Bluebottle: Ooohh! Let me talk to them, Eccles. I say! I can practice my
talking for my new record.
Bluebottle: Aaaaiiyyyyeee! What's the matter with you? Hitting my nut.
Nurk: I told you, calm down or I'll belt you with this shovel.
Eccles: Fine, fine, fine. Now look here, my good man. I..
Eccles: Yeeeeooowwww! I accept your apology.
Bluebottle: Eccles, I shall use the powers of da mind to move dis naughty
hole. Stares at naughty hole. Toot, toot, toot, toot. Move,
naughty hole. You cannot resist the powers of Bluebottle.
Strain!!! You cannot stand up against my willpower. My mind
power will move you. You cannot resist my power!
FX: Metallic pop
GRAMS: Rushing water
Nurk: Now look what you've done. Burst a water main. Now stop that
or I'll belt you with this shovel.
Greenslade: Ladies and gentlemen, while our runners and the council
workers attempt to reach an amicable agreement..
Greenslade: .. we present the all new record by Ray Ellington.
Ray Ellington Quartet: music
Greenslade: The Race to Mornington Crescent, part 3, in which my record
sells another two copies. We now return to Killburn where our
runners have been halted by a hole in the road, which is now
rapidly filling with water. A horse drawn omnibus owned by the
BBC arrives behind the runners.
GRAMS: Horse drawn omnibus approaching and stopping
Snagge: Here's is an important news flash. My record has some another
copy at a tea shop in Cairo. In other news, the race to
Mornington Crescent has been delayed by a hole in the road in
Killburn. I am speaking to you from the scene where the
runners and several council workers are discussing what to do.
Nurk: Now belt up!
Grytpype: I say, I think I may have the answer. Gather round and I
dhall tell you. I think we should... (whispers for some
Seagoon: Speak up!
Grytpype: I was saying that if the council won't move this hole,
perhaps we should... go around it!
GRAMS: Wild applause and cheering, followed by Land of Hope and
Eccles: Wait a minute, my good man. The race goes along this street
and going on any other street is... naughty!
Grytpype: But the hole has a burst water main, and I can't swim.
Eccles: Neither can I.
Grytpype: Then perhaps we can settle this amicably.
Eccles: How? No, no! Put me down. I...
Little Jim: He's falled in the water.
Seagoon: I say, perhaps if we plug the hole we can get across when
the water drains away.
Bloodnok: Excellent idea, lad. Now where can we find something small
and rubbery to bung in the hole?
Seagoon: Here's something.
Bluebottle: Put me down!
Seagoon: Curses. What if we build a bridge over the hole?
Grytpype: Splendid! It just so happens that I have a portable bridge
building kit. Available for the small price of 10,000 small
Seagoon: But I don't have 10,000 pounds. Major Bloodnok, do you have
Bloodnok: Sorry, lad. The regimental funds have... gone missing. Some
soundrel stole them.
Seagoon: Well if we can't build a bridge, perhaps we can float
something across the hole? What will float on water?
FX: Duck quack
Seagoon: That's not until next week. But wait.... yes, I've got it!
FX: Taxi approaching and stopping
Willium: Yes, mate?
Seagoon: Aren't you a policeman?
Willium: That's my brother, mate. Where to?
Seagoon: Portsmouth, and step on it.
Willium: Right, mate.
FX: Taxi driving away at speed
Greenslade: While Ned is on his way to Portsmouth by taxi, I have an
important announcement that my record has sold another copy.
While the other runners are waiting patiently at the hole in
Bloodnok: Break out the brandy ration. And let's listen to Greenslade's
Greenslade: Oh, thank you! While they are waiting patiently, Ned arrived
GRAMS: Seaside sounds. Ship horn.
Seagoon: I arrived at the Royal Navy base, and knocked on the door of
the nearest ship.
FX: Knocking on metal door. Door opening.
Admiral (Sellers): What is is?
Seagoon: My name is Ned Seagoon.
Admiral: Are you the tailor?
Seagoon: No, why?
Admiral: I've spilled ink on my uniform, and John Snagge has run out of
blotting paper. What do you want?
Seagoon: I want to borrow your ship to sail across a hole filled with
water in Killburn.
Admiral: And what makes you think I will lend you one of Her Majesty's
Seagoon: For the glory of England! Rule Britannia, Britannia...
Admiral: I'm sorry, but I just can't..
Seagoon: And if I don't win, the army team will.
Admiral: What? Cast off! All ahead full!
GRAMS: Ship leaving port
Seagoon: As we sailed one of Her Majesty's battleships out of the
Solent and around the Kent coast, I wondered what the others
Moriarty: Curse this hold in the road! If we wait here much longer
without food, we won't be able to win!
Grytpype: Steady, Moriarty. But you should write out you will anyway.
Moriarty: Good. I will.
GRAMS: Scracthy pen under next line
Moriarty: I, Count Jim Moriarty, leave one empty tin to my Uncle
Jacques, and my collection of antique string to.. Oowww!
I've spilled ink on my trousers.
Snagge: I have some blotting paper.
Moriarty: Thankyou. Ow, dropped it. Wait.... look, Grytpype! The
blotting paper is soaking up the water!
Grytpype: You're right! More blotting paper! Throw it in the hole!
Nurk: Ere, wait! You can't do that!
Grytpype: There, nearly full.
Moriarty: I'll start the motor bike.
GRAMS: Motor bike starting
Moriarty: The power. The brown power!
Bloodnok: Mount up, lads! Prepare to charge.
Eccles: Come on, Bottle. We better get to the finish line.
Bluebottle: Yes. You drive the car cos I got ink my trousers.
Eccles: Use blotting paper.
Snagge: Here is an important announcement. My record has sold another
copy. This makes it equal with Greenslade. The latest copy..
Greenslade: Meanwhile, on the battleship.
Orchestra: Nautical music
GRAMS: Battleship noises
Seagoon: As we sailed the Battleship up the Thames, I tuned into the
Snagge: (pre rec) ..was sold in Glasgow. Meanwhile, the runners in the
race to Mornington Crescent have filled the hole and are
preparing to start again.
Seagoon: Argh! I can't let them win! Admiral, faster or the army will
Admiral: Full speed ahead!
GRAMS: Battleship speeding up
Seagoon: Faster, faster. Watch out for Westminster Pier. Don't worry
about the bus, just sail up Tottenham Court Road.
GRAMS: Traffic noise, cars honking, battleship hooting back
Greenslade: Listeners may question the possibility of sailing a battleship
up Tottenham Court Road on a busy afternoon. Bond Street would
be much faster. And with my record selling another copy,
putting me ahead of John Snagge, we present the thrilling
climax. The Race to Mornington Crescent, part 4.
GRAMS: Motorbike at speed
Grytpype: Faster, Moriarty!
Moriarty: I'm trying!
GRAMS: Horses at speed
McLegs: Aye, mon! Scotland forever! Och, what? The inferrrnal device
in ma sporran is stuck.
GRAMS: Battleship hooting
Seagoon: Hurry, we're almost at there. There's Euston.
Snagge: And as we wait at the finish line with just seconds to go,
the horses, motorbike and battleship appear to be neck and
neck, with the Scotsman right behind. This is going to be a
Bluebottle: Are you ready with the camera, Eccles?
Eccles: Yes, Bottle. Hold the flash for me, my good man.
Seagoon: I think we're going to win! Last hundred yards!
McLegs: Och, ma sporran's going to explode!
Moriarty: Oh no!
Seagoon: Look out! Arrrrrrrgggghhh!
GRAMS: Huge explosion, followed by falling rubble and metal
Bluebottle: You rotten swine, you!
Snagge: Here is the news. The annual race to Mornington Crescent was
cancelled this afternoon when a battleship blocked the finish
line. Police are looking for a Major Denis Bloodnok in
connection with the disappearance of several horses from the
Horse Guards Parade early this morning. Police are also
looking for two men in connection with the theft of a
motorbike and side car in Preston Road at about the same
time. And finally, sales of Greenslade's record stopped this
afternoon when the warehouse in Mornington Crescent was
Greenslade: You may think the loss of my record would worry me, dear
listener. But it doesn't, because... it's all in the mind,
Orchestra: Play out