We were already well at work on this piece when BIERLYJOHN's masterwork was
posted, and since it is in a way almost diametrically opposed in approach from
said masterwork, being the Goons in the Buffyverse, rather than Buffy in the
Gooniverse; the team of Mole, Ogden and Green present for your perusal a
complementary buffygoons entitled:
Once More, Congealing
by Joy Green, Adrian Ogden and Mole
SCENE The Magic Box. GILES, XANDER and ANYA wandering round. Anya
counting money, humming in delight. Xander gazing lustfully at her, Giles
sipping tea with his nose buried in a book. Giles looks
Giles: This is the BBC Light Programme. Now here
is a variation on that. This is THE BBC Light Programme.
Xander: Great accent Giles, but isn't it Fox TV over
here? Giles: What? Oh ... yes... quite. Can't think what
came over me. Sorry. THE CAMERA pulls back to reveal WALLACE GREENSLADE, to
whose presence the others appear entirely oblivious.
Greenslade: Yes, dear listeners, by the miracle of the
horse-drawn rubber television, we present another wondrous tale of the
supernatural, the paranormal and the subprobable. This week: FANFARE:
ONCE MORE, CONGEALING!
CUT TO: Credits CUT TO: Sunnydale cemetery
Greenslade: We find ourselves outside a quiet
graveyard in peaceful Sunnydale, somewhere on the American continent of America.
Leaning against an ivy covered headstone is SPIKE, AKA Willmia the Bloody,
vampire, leather fetishist, and victim of a particularly cruel typographical
error, unrequited slayer-lust a speciality. Spike: I
told you not to tell them about the typo, you little sod.
Spike's forehead comes over all vampy, and he stalks toward
Greenslade. Unaware of the chip in Spike's brain Greenslade yelps and runs in
terror out of shot. Spike morphs back with a gesture and sound of disgust. He
stalks moodily past the gravestones, when suddenly in the air just above and
behind his head a large round something appears, spinning like a Frisbee. It
lands on Spike's perfectly peroxided hair with a sickening splat. Globs of
co-mingled flour, egg and milk drip down to land on the shoulders of his coat.
He stops and scrapes as much of the mess away as he can, flicking it off his
fingertips with disdain.
Spike: Oh, bloody great. I
thought I'd seen the last of THAT bugger in '53. If he's back again, it's goin'
to take some serious chantin' to shift 'im. Hope that carrot-topped little witch
is up to it. He swivels and makes tracks towards the Magic Box. CUT TO an alley.
Light from an open door outlines MORIARTY and GRYPTYPE-THYNNE. They are shaking
hands with Ray Ellington.
Grytpype: Thank you Mr
Ellington. You can never have too much pudding protection insurance you know.
The door closes and the alley is plunged into darkness.
and Moriarty: [singing] April in Paris, we've found a Charlie...
They walk along the alley, coming to a door deep in shadow. There is a sign on
the door, written in mystic runes. Moriarty: Grytpype,
there is an ominous rune-marked door lurking in the ominous shadows of this dark
alley in an ominous manner. Grytpype: Right, Moriarty.
Grab the markings and rune. Moriarty: Sapristi Muchos! I
don't like the expression on this door's sign. I wonder what's behind it.
Grytpype: Just a moment.
Fx: knocks. Hatchway sliding
Grytpype: Hello? Distorted
Voice: I'll tell you what's behind the door. It is I. Horror
personified, in the person of an evil, blood-sucking vampire. It is the
galloping mares of your worst nights, and the trotting knights of your mare's
worst. It is the gateway to needle-nardle-noo.
Grytpype: Oh! Do you play the saxophone?
Voice: Only occasionally. It usually wins. Fx:
hatchway shuts Grytpype: Mmm! Moriarty...?
Moriarty: Yes? Grytpype: Open
Moriarty hurls himself at the door, with a cry of "Sapristi
Carramba!" The door splinters, and Moriarty and Gryptype fall through. Sounds,
muffled from within:
Moriarty: You dare! And me a Frenchman!
Both: Nooooooooooooooo! Ack-ack-ack... (Sound breaks off
in horrific choking) Voice: Ohhhhhh, that's
A figure shrouded in a dark, distressed riding coat and wearing a
peaked cap walks through the door, disappearing down the alley. Cut to exterior
of Summers house. NEDDIE SEAGOON is there, seeming to hammer on the door, but
his hand not making contact.
in a pleasant suburb of the prettiest Hellmouth in California...
Neddie: Knock-knock-knock on a door in Sunnydale
Buffy: Knock-knock-knock on a door in Sunnydale? That's
the address of my door. Come in. BUFFY pauses, and she and DAWN look at each
other in bemusement, as Neddie bursts through the door.
Neddie: May I introduce myself?
Buffy: Can I stop you?
Neddie: Only with a cork! Haha! Ahahahaaaa!
Ah...herrrm(coughs). Ladies an Gennulmun, introducing little Neddie Seagoon,
righter of lefts, slighter of songs, tightener of thongs and freelance
demon-hunter. Nac-mac-Feegle, pixies and performing fleas half-price. I seek one
"Slayer". Buffy: That's me.
Neddie: Whatwhatwhatwhatwhat? Where's your horse? I hear
no bells! Dawn: That's VAMPIRE slayer, you goon. Not
one-horse-open-sleigher. MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA WITH NERF HERDER - 12 BARS OF
JINGLE BELLS Neddie: (aside) The girl recognises me!
Splin! Buffy: So, you were looking for me? TARA and
WILLOW appear at the top of the stairs, giggling and making puppy-eyes at each
other. Neddie: Hnnnnn. I come to warn you about the
Major. Omnes: The Major?
Neddie: He used to be a Minor, but that was when he kept
his activities underground. Buffy: What's that got to do
with me? If it's all buried in the past...
Dawn: Broken record much?
Buffy: Is he dangerous?
Neddie: Dangerous? He's dastardly! He's a leech, sucking
the life from his victims a little at the time while they gibber helplessly,
unable to fight back. Buffy: Oh. He's with the IRS.
Right. Neddie: butbutbut...
Willow: Stop that. Buffy, this guy's incoherent... or
possibly Asian. We'd better take him to Giles. He might know more.
Buffy: Good call. Neddie: Ripper
Giles? Tara: You know him?
Neddie: Does he play the saxophone?
Willow: Only in the mating season.
Neddie: Perhaps. The Scoobies grab their coats, and
begin to get armed. Buffy holds out a stake to Neddie.
Neddie: No thank you, I'm trying to give them up. I only
smoke trellis these days. Buffy shrugs. Buffy: Dawn, you
stay here. Lock the doors, and don't let anyone except us in.
Dawn: But... but... Buffy: Don't
you start. Exeunt Omnes but Dawn, who flounces upstairs.
CUT TO: Montage. A bedraggled Spike approaches the magic box from
the east, while the Scoobies and Neddie head in from the North. The becloaked
figure sneaks up behind Neddie who is struggling to keep up with the Scoobies,
and grabs him. We see him jerk, the cloaked figure melts away, and Neddie runs
to catch up with the Scoobies. They turn the corner onto the street which Houses
the Magic Box as Spike reaches the shop door. Montage fades to Spike entering.
Shop bell rings. Giles, Anya and Xander
Spike: Watcher. We've got a problem.
Giles: (looking at Spike coldly, and raising an eyebrow)
You appear to be covered in something. Xander: Ooooo!
Did Spikey make an ickle mess? I thought bat guano was good for the undead
complexion. Spike: Shut it, moron. Look, Giles. Look at
my bloody jacket. The Scoobies enter. Buffy: Giles! This
weird little round man came to my house and says he knows you. He doesn't make
any kind of sense to me, but he seems worried and he's got a British accent. She
pushes Neddie into the centre of the room. Giles: Neddie
Seagoon! Neddie: No, I'M Neddie Seagoon. You look like
Ripper Giles. Do you play the saxophone? Giles: Yes, but
only on the cello. Neddie: Ripper! (He holds his arms
out wide. Giles backs away.) Spike: I hate to break up
this touching reunion an' all, but like I said, we've gotta problem.
Giles: (irritated) What is it, Spike?
Spike: You can use your eyes, can't you? Well do, then,
and try using your brain as well. I've seen this before, you must've read about
it. Cyclical? Every fifty years? Ring any bells, Watcher?
Giles: (giving Spike a long stare) Great Hecate! 1953!
The Phantom Batter Pudding Hurler! Spike: Ten out of
ten. Finally. Giles: And Neddie here, too. This could be
serious. Very serious indeed. Buffy: Um, Giles, is this
some strange BRITISH thing we should know about?
Giles: (embarrassed) There are things in a nation's
past, Buffy ... even Great Britain's ... that it's best not to go into too
deeply. I think this is one instance where even Spike and I can agree.
Spike: I'm sayin' nothin'. Except it involves beef. And
gravy. Xander: British food? Oh yeah - the one thing
that made me think the Hellmouth might not necessarily be in Sunnydale.
Buffy: (looking sick and waving hand) I've heard quite
enough. You say it's serious. What do we have to do?
Neddie: You don't know the worst. I think the Major's
turned up, too. Giles: The Major?
Neddie: He used to be called....
Buffy: (cutting in) Yeah, okay, we did that already.
Roundman seems to be talking about some kind of vamp, Giles.
Giles: From London? (Neddie nods) Oh dear.
Omnes: What? Giles: Willow,
could you go and fetch me the Crun journals, please? They're on the top shelf of
the second bookcase. If it's what I fear, we may need to call for help.
Spike: Oh, C'mon, watcher. The poltergeist can be
exorcised with a spell, as long as there's enough power behind it. The redhead's
supposed to be some kind of super-wicca, I'm sure she can get it out of our
hair. She can always get her little friend here to add some extra oomph if she
needs it. A bit of extra poke, know what I mean?
Willow and Tara look daggers at Spike. Well, Willow looks
daggers; Tara looks hurt.
Giles: It isn't quite as
simple as that. This conjunction ... Willow, would you read the passage at the
top of page twenty-four, please? Willow: (reading aloud)
"Through evidence collected by my dear wife Minnie and myself at a steady speed
of three miles an hour, we have established that the Stepney phenomenon arises
from the introduction of mantra-inducing venom into the bloodstream. A chief
suspect is a certain London villain, possibly with a military background, who
exhibits some unmistakable attributes of vampirism. There is, therefore,
absolutely no need to fear an epidemic passing from besmirched persons
uncontacted by charm-calling victims..." Hey, this guy's prose style is worse
than Unix 101.
Willow passes the journal to Tara. The girls hunch over it,
Spike: You mean?
Giles: (solemnly) Yes. Others: WHAT? Spike/
Giles: (whispering) The Dreaded Lurgi.
Giles: I shall have to call Crun.
Buffy: (To Spike, as Giles is dialling) What's The
Dreaded Lurgi? Giles: Henry Crun? HENRY?
Spike: It's awful, love. A disease. It spreads like
wildfire. Crun: (on phone) What? Crun? Min! Miiiin! It's
Henry Crun, Min. Buffy: What does it do? How does it
affect people? Minnie Bannister: (from receiver) I can see it is, Henry.
Spike: Dunno. People only ever talk about it in gibbers.
They say first symptom is when you start walking backwards. Last time it
happened was in Stepney, in December '53. Crun: No, Min,
I mean it's Henry Crun on the phone! Willow: Was it bad?
Spike: Oh yeah. We'd just better hope Giles' friend can
tell us something useful. Giles: HENRY?
Bannister: On the phone?? Ohhhh! What's he doing up
there? It's not safe! Crun: You're quite right you know,
it'll never take the weight. He should be more careful.
Bannister: He certainly should, yes.
Crun: Yes. You can't get the...
GILES slams the phone down and cuts him
Giles: Hopeless. Quite hopeless.
Tara: No, Giles, it's okay. It says here there are some
old students of Crun's in Sunnydale. We can call them, they should be able to
help. She picks up the phone and talks quietly into it.
Tara: (on phone) Hello, are you the former students of
Professor Crun? Lew Cash: (from receiver) Yeah, that's
us. I take you'll be wanting to find out about this 'ere Lurgi lark?
Tara: Yes, please. Lew
Cash: Cor, my life, if it ain't one thing it's another.
CUT TO: exterior graveyard. Hapless Victim No. 2832 walks past. A
brief scuffle, and a cry.
The Victim: YAK-a-booo!
The Major: Ohhhhhh, that's done me a power of good!
CUT BACK TO the Magic Box. Close-up of a harried Giles. Giles
turns to Buffy.
Giles: Buffy, I think someone had
better go and fetch Dawn. There may be Lurgi carriers all over Sunnydale by now.
She'd be better off here under our eye. Buffy: Right.
I'll go now. Giles: Not you. As soon as we know what
we're facing you may need to get out there and deal with it fast. From what I
remember about the Lurgi, it takes hold frighteningly quickly.
Xander: Anya and I'll go.
Giles: I don't need to tell you to be careful, Xander.
Willow: No, wait - there's a passage in here that I need
Anya to translate for me. Spike: Well, I'd offer, but
since I've been puddinged, I'm a potential carrier, if I run into a
mantra-babbler. Not a good idea. Giles: Right.
Anya: Why not send the little fat guy? He's not doing
any good here. Xander: Absolutely! (To Tara) Isn't she
Tara nods, smiling.
Neddie. You go back to Buffy's house, collect Dawn and bring her back here
Giles: (offering him a stake) Take this.
Neddie: No thanks, I've just put one out.
Exit Neddie, stage left. Passing Spike, he whispers
Spike: Huh? He shrugs.
Tara: The Crun people are on their way. They said
they're sending their best pair. Willow: Okay, I've
flicked through these journals, and it looks like there is a way to prevent this
Dreaded Lurgi deal getting out of control. Tara: It's
complex, though. Giles: Go on.
Willow: Well - the first thing we have to do exorcise
the pudding-hurling-poltergeisty guy. Buffy: Which we do
how? Willow: A spell. It takes a lot of power, and it
has to be completed without a pause, while we stand as close to the creature as
we can get. Xander: So how do we find it?
Willow: That's the easy part. It can travel round the
world almost instantly, but after a big jump, it has to rest for twenty four
hours, so it can't move more than a few yards from the place it translocated to.
Anya: The graveyard. Again. Willow: Exactly.
Xander: Just once, I'd like it to be somewhere nice,
like the local museum. Even if there are tomes of forbidden lore in the Historic
Books section. Always with the graveyard. (sigh)
The Scooby gang look at each
Giles: What then?
Tara: We have to stake the mantra vamp. He should be
somewhere near the puddygeist, to make sure that the sliming and the mantra-ing
get combined. Willow: And finally, we have to find
anyone who's been slimed and mantra'd and immerse them completely in water - but
that's where the hitch comes in. Xander: Like how?
Willow: It has to be done before they become infectious
- within two hours of showing symptoms. Spike: I think
you could be lucky. It's a bloody horrible night. Apart from yours truly, there
wasn't anyone in sight round the graveyard, so maybe there aren't any carriers.
He stands up, and takes a step towards Buffy -
Xander: Well, there's our timescale boys and girls.
The shop bell rings. All turn, except Spike, who continues to
walk backwards. In walk ECCLES and BLUEBOTTLE.
Bluebottle: I heard you needed us, my Capitain - I
heard that pupils of the Great Crun were needed. Enter Bluebottle - pauses for
audience applause - as usual not a sausinge - strikes brave hero ready to save
the day pose, but trousers fall down and ruin effect.
Giles: YOU are the best they had?
Bluebottle: I is, my Capitain - I and my friend, the
famous Eccles here, we is. My name is Bluebottle. I am 14, and I have got boils.
Eccles: Hello dere. Bluebottle Shutup Eccles.
Eccles: Shutup Eccles. Idiot Eccles. Bluebottle : We
will vanquish der villains. Point us at dem and let justice be doned. Dey will
fall under the wrath of my trusty Boys' Wonder mag cutout junior sword. (Pulls
up trousers - tucks in shirt.) Hehuehuehueu - dat tickles. Show us, my Capitain
the deeds of derring you want doing. Damsels in distress...
Buffy: Dawn! Giles: Neddie's
dealing with Dawn. Spike: We can't trust him, he must've
been vamped - when he muttered on the way out .. he mantra'd me.
Giles: Oh merciful Zeus! We can't spare anyone else -
these ... agents will have to do. Tara, show them the way to the house and get
back to us at the graveyard as quickly as possible.
Tara: Okay. Bluebottle : What is it dat you want us to
do, which it is? Buffy: You have to rescue my sister.
Bluebottle: Is she pretty?
Xander: Cute, in a fifteen-year-old kinda way. Why?
Bluebottle: Oooooo, I like dis game! (Aside) Tidies
hair, polishes knees, and prepares the temptation of the tempting-type quarter
ounce dolly mixtures. Exeunt Tara, Bluebottle, and Eccles.
Giles: Right, Willow. Do you have the spell?
Willow: Right here. Buffy: We'd
better hurry. Exeunt Omnes. CUT TO distant view of Summers Place. Tara pointing,
Bluebottle and Eccles nodding emphatically Tara: Are you
sure you're well enough armed? He could be dangerous. Perhaps you should take
this. She holds out a stake. Bluebottle: Oh, no, no no.
They stunt your growth, Auntie Min said. I promised her I would never start.
Tara: Up to you. I have to get back to the graveyard. I
think they're going to need me. Exit Tara Bluebottle: Do
you know something? I do not think I like dis game after all. Pretty girlses is
all wells and good, But I tell you something: I do not like this dangerous
Neddies part. In the Hellmouth facing dangerous Neddies, harm can come to a
growing lad. Eccles: See here, have you seen any signs
of that, of the pudding hurler? Bluebottle: No, and I do
not want to. I should have stayed at home by the fire with Aunt Min.
Eccles: Oh, who's Aunt Min?
Bluebottle: That's my Auntie!
Eccles: Oh! Oh, what, ah, what do you know? You've got a
Auntie? Bluebottle: Yes, I have got a Auntie.
Eccles: Well! I ain't got a Auntie. But I, but I got a
new pair of boots! Bluebottle: Oh, I have not got a new
pair of boots. Eccles: Hey, I got some!
Bluebottle: Have you got a new pair of boots?
Eccles: Yeah! Yeah, you got some?
Bluebottle: No, I've got a Auntie.
Eccles: Oh, you've got a Auntie. I never knew that.
Bluebottle: It is, it's Aunt Min.
Eccles: What's - who's that?
Bluebottle: My Auntie.. What have you got?
Eccles: I've got a new pair of boots, have you?
Bluebottle: No, I've got a Auntie. She sent me here. I
don't think she likes me very much. Eccles: What's her
name? Bluebottle: Aunt Min.
Eccles: My new boots don't like me. They have given me
blisters, what doesn't like you? Bluebottle: My Auntie.
Eccles: How do you know she doesn't like you?
Bluebottle: I got it writted down here on dis piece of
They arrive at the Summers' door. It is wide open. From upstairs
Greenslade: Just in case some
viewers didn't follow that conversation, a brief summary follows. (ahem)
Bluebottle's Auntie sent him to Sunnydale, Eccles has new boots which hurt his
feet and they are both morons. Bluebottle: Miss! Miss!
Are you alright Miss? Dawn: No!
Bluebottle: Where are you Miss?
Dawn: I'm in the bathroom. Bluebottle looks at Eccles.
Eccles looks at Bluebottle. Bluebottle: She is in der
BATHroom They both run upstairs. Bluebottle: Miss! Miss!
I will save you Miss!
Bluebottle rushes through the door, where Dawn is fully dressed
and is struggling with Neddie, having just run a bath. Neddie releases Dawn as
Bluebottle hurtles toward him. The two collide, and Neddie falls backwards into
the full bath.
Bluebottle/Eccles: He's fallen in the
wa-ter! Neddie grabs at a cupboard to help him up, and it tumbles onto
Bluebottle, crushing him beneath its weight
Bluebottle: Ooooo, you filthy rotten swine! You have
deaded me! I do not want to play dis game any more, I do not like dis game... He
expires. Neddie: I'm cured! Quick Eccles, let's get Miss
Summers to her sister. Exeunt Omnes, Neddie sloshing. CUT TO graveyard, Spike
and the Scoobies standing in a circle around Willow, who has a lighted candle in
a pentagram in front of her. She looks up at Giles.
Willow: Do I really have to do this?
Giles: I'm sorry, Willow, it's the only way. Enter Tara.
She rushes to sit opposite Willow and takes her hands
Tara: It's okay, Will, I'm here.
Spike: Yak-a-booo! Willow looks skyward and
begins to chant. Willow: Ying tong ying tong Ying tong
She begins to tremble
Willow (slowly) Ying .....
Tara: (urgently as Willow speaks) She
doesn't have enough power. We're all going to have to help!
Giles: iddle I po,
Willow/Tara: Ying tong ying tong Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong Giles: iddle I po,
Willow/Tara/Xander/Anya: Ying tong ying tong Ying tong
ying tong Giles/Buffy: Ying tong iddle I po
Omnes, except Spike: Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle
I po Iddle I po Spike: Ying tong ying tong iddle Ying
tong iddle I po! Willow: Ying tong ying tong
Tara: Ying tong ying tong
Giles: Ying tong iddle I po
Xander Ying tong ying tong (behind the beat)
Giles: Keep up, lad. Up.
Anya: Ying tong iddle I po
Buffy: Iddle I po! (trumpet solo as Neddie, Dawn and
Eccles enter) Spike: Ying. Ying tongy tongy. Ying tong
iddle I po. Ying tong iddle I po. Ying ying ying tongy tongy. Yeeeng.
Buffy: Ying tong ying tong d'gy-n'o. Ying tong d'ga.
Giles: D'g d'g d'ga. Ying tong iddle I po.
Neddie: Hear that crazy rhythm, Driving me insane.
Strike your partner on the bonce. Eccles: Ooh. I felt no
Sound of howling, pudding materialises, hits Buffy full in the
Giles: Ying! Tongy tongy tongy. Yiddy diddy
diddy da daaa. Ying diddy. Ying tong diddle. Yiddada boo. Omnes apart from
Buffy: Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle Ying tong
iddle I po Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po Spike (loudly) Iddle I
PO! Scream as Hurler dissipates forever.
Buffy: EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW! Cholesterol! Xander breaks off
a little of the pudding, and eats it. Xander: Strange,
but disturbingly tasty.
Cloaked figure slides out from behind a
Figure: Hmmm... yes... I always had a
soft spot for battered women!
The moonlight catches the tips of gleaming fangs and the badge of
the Prince's Own Loyal Indeterminates on an army cap.
Giles: I know that voice! Major Denis Bloodnok! I
thought I did for you in '78! Bloodnok: You should never
have trusted that plastic stake, Ripper. Giles: (to the
Scoobies) You couldn't get the wood, y'know.
Buffy: (Pushing back pudding covered hair) Not a
problem, here and now. Whirling, thudding and grunting, as Buffy kicks Bloodnok
all around the graveyard. Giles: (to Dawn) What happened
to Bluebottle? Dawn: Dead.
Giles: Dead? Oh dear. How can I tell his Auntie?
Eccles: Bluebottle's gota Auntie?
Omnes: Shut up, Eccles.
Giles: Auntie Minnie. I wonder what she'll say.
Min's voice: Dead! And never called me mother!
Buffy kicks Bloodnok back into centre shot and dusts him.
Buffy: Well that's two out of three.
Giles: Which just leaves Spike.
Xander and Anya take hold of Spike's
Spike: No. C'mon. Hang about there, you can
trust me to sort meself out, can't you?
They drag him away toward the duckpond, and there is a distant
sound of a splash and cursing.
Willow: (To Tara)
Spike's fallen in the water! Tara giggles and tucks her arm into Willow's.
Buffy: I am SO going to have to take a shower when I get
home. I feel like I'm congealing. Spike: Why bother,
love? Just come with me and I'll see if I can find you some beef to go with
that. Anyway, how do I get these stains off my jacket?
Anya: Ew, GROSS. Xander: At
least he didn't offer gravy. Buffy: SEVERAL showers.
Giles: God, Buffy. I'm so embarrassed. I don't know what
to say. Omnes (except Giles):