From: (The Raven)
Subject: Script newly writtted! The Inheritance Of Neddie Seagoon!
Date: 1998/12/16
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Wal: This is the BBC.

(sound of gunfire)

Wal: That WAS the BBC.

GPT: You silly, twisted boy.

Seagoon: They are referring, of course, to the highly esteemed Goon
Show! Mr. Greenslade?

(sound of dragging chains)

Wal: Yes, Mr. Seagoon?

Seagoon: Please inform our steam-pressed listeners of the contents of
tonight's broadcast!

Wal: Tonight, sweet listeners, we'd like to bring you a story of
hope, bravery and triumph against impossible odds.

Seagoon: But instead we shall present for you the strange tale of -
Inheritance Of Neddie Seagoon!

(horror music chords)

Wal: The end. (music starts) The Goon Show is recorded...

Cobber: 'Ere, mate. 'aven't you forgotten sumfink?

Wal: Such as?

Cobber: Well, that bit in the middle.. you know, the actual show.

Seagoon: Ah, thank you for bringing that to our attention. For your
reward, we shall throw you in the Thames. (SPLASH)

Cobber: (distant) Just as well. It was time f' me annual bath, anyway!

Seagoon: Let us press ahead with - The Inheritance Of Neddie Seagoon!

(horror music chords)

Seagoon: It all started when I was on a sea journey in the Himalayas,
there to claim my inheritance. Said inheritance being a basketfull of
OBE's and ... the greatest prize of them all ... The Golden Knees Of
Aldershot, worth some 40 MILLION pounds.


Bloodnok: Pardon my intrusion, but you were playing my song.

Seagoon: Yes, my faithful servant Bloodnok was along for the journey.
He'd been kipping in a waste paper basket for most of the journey and
feeling his oats!

Bloodnok: Too bad they keep running out of my fingers, you know.

Seagoon: Needle noddle noo! Now, Bloodnok, what hear you of our

Bloodnok: We are due to arrive any mo (CRASH). Oh..

Seagoon: And well you should! Now then, since Sabrina isn't on until
after the interval, let us find the captain and make haste to Seagoon
Manor! In the meantime, let us dance the night away to the sound of
famous intercontinental steamer, Max Geldray!


Wal: The Inheritance Of Neddie Seagoon, part eleven.

Seagoon: Part eleven? Isn't that skipping ahead a bit?

Wal: It was either that or go over the bit about what Bloodnok likes
wear in his leisure hours.

Seagoon: Point taken. Now, where were we?


Bloodnok: Owwwwww...

Seagoon: Ah, yes. Bloodnok and I set out to find Seagoon Manor. We
met at the crossroads by a native sherpa named Bluebottle.

Bluebottle: I yam not a native sherpa! I am de lion of East Finchley!

Bloodnok: Then how come you to the Himalayas, boy?

Bluebottle: I was helping an old lady cross then street, and I got
halfway! YEhe-he-he-he! (THUMP) You wrotten swine!

Seagoon: We pressed on, and finally, there it was - a gleaming beacon
hope, set high on a hill -

Bloodnok: The NAAFI?

Seagoon: Needle noddle noo! No, it was Seagoon Manor! My inheritance
within - we must press on!

Bloodnok: Good luck! The last time, there were wrinkles in my

Seagoon: We were greeted at the door by a manservant who had been in
family for generations on end - the famous Eccles!

Eccles: ELllLOOOO dere!

Seagoon: I must say, Eccles, you look remarkably spry for a man of 618

Eccles: I only feel as though I were 943!

GTT: Ah, Master Seagoon. Welcome to your ancestral lodgings. I am the
executor of the estate -

Eccles: And a hard execution it was, too - it wouldn't hold still!

GTT: Hercules Grytpype-Thynne. Allow me to present my partner in
the world famous maker of masculine teeth, Count Jim (sounds of
incredibly horrific car crash) Moriarty.

Both: April in PARRRIIIIIII...

GTT: Before we progress to the reading of the will, let us take in the
native musical splendor of Ray Ellington.


Wal: Part five, arrival at the NAAF...

Seagoon: Wrong story, Wal.

Wal: Oh, sorry. Part twelve of - The Inheritance Of Neddie Seagoon.

(Sound of a recording of bagpipes winding down, followed by an

Bloodnok: Oh, it must be hell in there.

GTT: Hmm. We seem to be missing something.


Bluebottle: EEEEHhhhHhhh! You DEADED me!

Seagoon: That's much better. Now sir, about my inheritance?

GTT: Ah, yes, your inheritance. I believe it consisted of a basketfull
of OBE's.

Moriarty: There you are. Eat them in good health!

GTT: Farewell, Master Seagoon!

Seagoon: Hang about, what about (dramatic music) The Golden Knees Of
Aldershot, worth some 40 MILLION pounds?


Bloodnok: Ah, they're playing my song again. Eccles?

Eccles: 'Allo, 'allo, 'allo!

GTT: Go away and hit yourself over the head with a blunt instrument!

Eccles: Right-o!

Bluebottle: Ehhhh! Put me down! (fades out)

Seagoon: Now then, sirrah, the rest of my inheritance!

GTT: Ah, yes, well, the fact of the matter is that I'm wearing, lovely
Charlie, said Golden Knees!

Seagoon: Have at you, sir! You've nicked my inheritance!

GTT: What shall we duel with?

Seagoon: Stale fish and chips at four hundred yards!

GTT: Done!

(sounds of police sirens, then screeching tires)

Wal: Hands up, Grytpipe! I'm Greenslade of the Yard! Not Scotland
just the bit of grass out front!

GTT: CURSES! We're foiled, Moriarty!

Seagoon: Mr. Greenslade, you mean to say you've been undercover all

Wal: Don't be silly, I've been out of bed for hours! Now then, we'll
just have those Golden Knees for back taxes! Sergeant Throat, will you
do the honors?

Throat: (gutteral) Yes! (sound of tearing cloth)

GTT: Oh, woe is me! Kneeless in the salad season!

Wal: And that it how, gentle listener, a fool and his money were soon

Seagoon: That it for the ol' story there, Wal?

Wal: Yep.

Seagoon: Right! Off to the pub, then. Sabrina's on! (sound of

Wal: That was The Goon Show, a not-yet-recorded BBC program...