Greenslade	This is ABC Radio National.
Seagoon	What what what?
Greenslade	Yes Mr Seagoon it is. Any objections should be lodged in writing to Prime Minister Edmund Barton, Parliament House, Canberra.
Seagoon	Come up to date, Mr Greenslade! Barton hasn't been PM for over 80 years!
Greenslade	Up to date? Why this Goon Show is as up to date as they come!
Seagoon	How do you know?
Greenslade	Because sir, it's entitled, The Information Age.
Orchestra	Beginning of story chords
Grytpype	Yes. This story is all about me, Bill Gates, the richest man in the world. Or at least I could be if I wanted to sell all my assets.
Seagoon	No, no, dear listeners! Where's my speaking trumpet? Hello folks, calling folks! Calling all five loyal Goon Show listeners! The story isn't about Mr Hercules Bill Gates-Thynne! It's about me, Neddie Seagoon! And it all starts when I'm writing a letter to my grandmother, who, as you all know, owns a duck farm in Kent!
FX	Pen scratching, continues under
Seagoon	(quite fast) Dear Grannie. How are you? I hope you have recovered from having all your teeth taken out and a new five hundred square meter kitchen put in. I have a new job, with about ten thousand people under me - I mow the lawns at the cemetery. I am writing this letter slowly, by the way, because I know you can't read fast.
FX	Pen stops
Seagoon	Curse, I forgot to write slowly! Now I'll have to start all over again!
FX	Pen as above
Seagoon	(very slowly) Dear Grannie. How are you?
FX	Pen stops; foot stamping and pen laid down impatiently.
Seagoon	This is too slow! What I need is a Personal Computer with which I can write as fast as I like and then slow it down before posting the letter! I'll go out and buy one right away.
Grams	Whoosh
Seagoon	And who can I buy one off? Ah, here comes a computer salesman. And his name is:
Orchestra	Bloodnok theme
Seagoon	Orchestra! Take a hundred lines: "I must not try to guess the end of Goon Show plots". Now, the computer salesman is:
Bloodnok	Oh, ohhhhhhhhh! Oh, ah! Ahhhhhhhh! Never again! Microfiche and microchips, eaten with chip tongs, and then a ride on a bumpy 16 bit bus! Never again!
Seagoon	Now, all those Charlies who wrote their hundred lines! Take another hundred: "I must not write a hundred lines when a Goon tells me to!"
Bloodnok	My dear sir, why don't you buy one of my personal computers? State of the art 8088 processor, 2400 baud modem, 88 key keyboard, fully loaded with CP/M, and for the paltry cost of every penny you own! And it can write a hundred lines in a fraction of the time needed to write them, saving you literally hours to do whatever you like doing, especially if you can afford a full time computer nut to keep the system running!
Seagoon	One doesn't get an offer like that every day! But I'm sure you won't mind me shopping around a bit to see what else is on offer?
Bloodnok	Certainly, certainly. There's a good computer shop just around the corner. Good luck sir!
Seagoon	Thank you! Now listeners, to enter the other shop.
FX	Door opens; shuts
Seagoon	Hello. I want to buy a computer.
Bloodnok	What sort?
Seagoon	What? You again?
Bloodnok	Yes. I'm the salesman for every computer shop in the country.
Seagoon	How did you get the position?
Bloodnok	I was wearing a Macquarie University computer-graduate's tie!
Seagoon	How did you get it?
Bloodnok	From a Macquarie University computer-graduate!
Orchestra	Chord
Seagoon	Now to business. I want a computer to write letters on.
Bloodnok	(sotto voce) Ah, a Charlie! Or in computer terms, a luser! (normal) Very well sir, how about this one? 256 gigabytes memory, 768 terabytes hard disk, 3-D video, and a minute's free internet access. Only $250,000, a bargain sir!
Seagoon	I'll take it! But wait! What software comes on it?
Bloodnok	Microsoft Windows ME, Microsoft Office 100,000, Microsoft Internet Exploiter 12.1, and every other Microsoft product we can think of.
Seagoon	What about other people's software?
Bloodnok	No no no! Nothing of anyone else's will run on that machine! And besides, what on earth would you want to run which isn't made by Microsoft? Didn't you know that Mr Hercules Bill Gates-Thynne is the best programmer in the world?
Seagoon	No I didn't!
Bloodnok	Neither did anyone else! But since I'm on the job, I have to say that he is!
Seagoon	Major Bloodnok, do you get paid to sell Microsoft products?
Bloodnok	Me? That's a damned insult, sir!
Seagoon	But do you?
Bloodnok	Yes, but you won't learn that from me!
Seagoon	Enough of this intellectual dialogue. Give me the computer and I'll write you a cheque for forty-five cents. That's all I can write it for without it bouncing you know.
Bloodnok	Right. Here you are: one computer. Shall I get the boy to carry it out for you?
Seagoon	Thank you.
Bloodnok	Boy! Boy? Oh, crash me memory and corrupt me hard disk! That's me! Just a minute while I change voices.
Seagoon	Of course! I always allow people enough time to change voice! Intelligent listeners might realise that this long and useless statement has been put in for that very purpose! Now are you ready?
Bluebottle	I heard you call me my Second Lieutenant! Enter Bluebottle making sign to writer not to change my catchphrases again.
Mad Genius	Enter Michael Angeligoon making sign to Bluebottle not to be cheeky!
Bluebottle	Tosses head in attitude of not caring what the writer tells me, because I'm such an important character he won't leave me out of the script whatever I do.
Mad Genius	Bluebottle you little devil, take that!
Grams	Pistol shot
Bluebottle	Oh, you rotten swine, Goon Show script writer you! You deaded me again! All right, I'll be good. Now what was it you wanted me to do?
Seagoon	Carry this big fast stupid adding machine out to my car.
Bluebottle	This what?
Seagoon	Ah folks! See what children are like who grow up in the Information Age! They think computers can do anything, instead of being just big fast stupid adding machines! And it's all due to Grytpype-Gates's marketing work. Now to take this adding machine home and see what it will do for me. Max Geldray? Home Jim, and don't spare the gearbox!
Max & Orchestra	Music
Greenslade	Now that our favourite mouth-organist has finished crashing his gears, Part Plon, in which we see Grytpype and his programming staff busily engaged in writing the extra luxury bugs into the new version of Windows XP.
Grytpype	Now then Infinite Monkey Number 16384. Can you add a piece of code which will cause a total loss of data if the user presses the Shift key?
Eccles	Um  Nope.
Grytpype	Why did I hire you anyway?
Eccles	Ohhh, der hard ones first, eh? I think it was something to do with being der lowest bidder.
Grytpype	Well, it's an established Microsoft law that lowest bidders can always produce the code, so get on with it.
Eccles	Oooh, OK. I'll have a shot. Where's my typewriter?
Grams	Ponderous typing on ancient typewriter which badly needs greasing
Greenslade	And now we rejoin Neddie as he starts his computer to continue his letter to Grannie.
FX	Typing very slowly (continues under)
Seagoon	(quite fast) Dear Grannie. How are you?
FX	Typing stops
Seagoon	I'll just read that back and see how it reads. "General Protection Fault. The program you have been running caused a General Protection Fault at location A4B3:C2D1. The program will be terminated. Data will not be saved. The system may become unstable." Hmmm, no. The wording of that last sentence needs a bit of work. Backspace. I say - why isn't computer doing anything? Why is the screen going black? Why does nothing happen when I press a key? Why -
Willium	Oh, you'll have to reboot, mate!
Seagoon	What what what? Reboot? But what about my letter to Grannie? Will I have to type it all in again?
Willium	Yes mate.
Seagoon	Why?
Willium	Your computer just gave you a Blue Screen of Death, mate!
Seagoon	Call a doctor!
Bloodnok	Oh oh! I came as soon as I got your email. Now what's the trouble?
Seagoon	My computer's screen just died and went blue!
Bloodnok	Can I interest you in a 3-D screen with 128 megs of memory?
Seagoon	Will that fix my problem?
Bloodnok	No, but I get a commission on all sales. Ah, here's what you need to counter the Blue Screen of Death: a Yellow Keyboard of Life!
Seagoon	And if I install one of them, what do I get?
Bloodnok	A white disk drive of Terminate and Stay Resident!
Orchestra	Chord
Seagoon	Never mind your technical computer-type jokes. Fix my computer so I can write to Grannie.
Bloodnok	Call Microsoft Technical Support, they'll help you.
FX	Phone off hook; dialling
Moriarty	(tinny as if on phone) Hello, Microsoft Technical Support, can I help you? This call will be charged at $50 per second, and to increase our revenues I will now give a prime performance of my catchphrases. Sapristi telephones! This is the great Count Jim "Dollars" Moriarty, the Right Revolting Member of the Drains Club. And now for the best catchphrase of all: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! And for those of you who missed it, here it is again: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Thank you for your patience.
Seagoon	Are you quite finished and ready to help me?
Moriarty	I'm finished, but as for the help, you'll have to tell me the problem first.
Seagoon	I've got a Blue Screen of Death.
Moriarty	Ah, I know the answer for that. What version of Windows are you using?
Seagoon	Windows 98, Service Pack number AFC0.
Moriarty	Ah yes. Upgrade to Windows XP and install all seventy-five Service Packs in order. It'll only take you three days per installation.
Seagoon	And will that fix my problem?
Moriarty	No, but it will cost you a lot of money and take you long enough for us to have a break from answering all your stupid questions.
Seagoon	I'll do it! Thank you very much. Goodbye!
FX	Phone hung up
Seagoon	Ah folks! Now I had my answer! Now while I install all these Service Packs, I will send Ray Ellington to entertain you.
Ray & Orchestra	Music
Greenslade	Now if you will hold Ctrl-Alt-Shift-Caps Lock-Backslash and simultaneously give the three fingered salute, all while standing on your head behind the computer screen, you will be able to see an upside-down mirror image of Neddie trying to install the Service Packs for Windows XP.
FX	Long silence
Greenslade	Dear listeners. Since there is no highly recognizable sound for installing Service Packs, the ABC have substituted the record you have just heard, which is one of complete silence. The reason for this substitution is that there is no royalty due for playing a record of silence. Now, as an encore, we present a medley of all the tracks on that wonderful production.
FX	Longer silence; wild applause
Greenslade	Thank you, thank you dear listeners. Now, if you will turn your hearing aids to full volume, you will be able to hear Neddie Seagoon installing Service Packs for Windows XP.
Grams	Double volume: Neddie swearing, screaming, thumping the desk, keyboard, case and everything else; etc.
Greenslade	It has been said that you can always tell a Windows XP user by the keyboard dents in his forehead. The reason for this is simple: every Service Pack yields at least three Blue Screens of Death, and the Yellow Keyboards of Life are not included on the install disks! Just now, Neddie has lost his entire half-hour's work, and this is what he is thinking:
Grams	Explosion
Bluebottle	You rotten swine you! You have deaded me!
Grams	Electronic random noises ("This computer is thinking"), continues under
Seagoon	Oh dear, you seem to have gotten yourself killed. I might be able to help you out, but I've never really done this before. Do you want me to try to reincarnate you? All right, but don't blame me if something goes wr 
FX	Poof of orange smoke
Greenslade	Bluebottle, you are engulfed in a cloud of orange smoke. Coughing and gasping, you emerge from the smoke and find 
Bluebottle	(Coughs and gasps) Ah, here I am in Building again. Gets to feet, pauses for audience applause, but now it's a younger generation who haven't been brought up on Goon humour. Please audience, can't you see I'm a newer generation Bluebottle too? I am a computer whiz kid! And that orange smoke routine was a direct quote from a computer game called Adventure!
Seagoon	Is this true?
Bluebottle	Yes my capitan it is.
Seagoon	Then can you help me with my computer?
Bluebottle	Show me to it I say! You will have no more troubles! I will format them to death!
Seagoon	Sounds great! There it is, young East Finchley Boy Scout with computer experience! Get going!
Bluebottle	Thank you my capitan! Walks over to computer, formats hard disk and installs Linux, the free computer operating system that nobody except a real whiz kid can use! Neddie my lovely little capitan, your computer will never crash again!
Seagoon	Wonderful! Let me get on and write that letter. Hey, what have you done? There's nothing to double-click on, only a blank screen with login: at the top!
Bluebottle	Yes my capitan, it is Linux. The rock solid operating system which runs fast, does everything and has potential to take over the world, but it doesn't have a pretty user interface. But do not be afraid, for I have installed Vee Eye!
Seagoon	Six in Roman Numerals?
Bluebottle	No no no my capitan! Vee Eye is a very powerful editor. You can use it to write your letter to Grannie!
Seagoon	Wonderful! I'll just double-click on it. I say, Bluebottle! The mouse has frozen!
Bluebottle	You twit my capitan! Or as a computer whiz kid would say, you Windows user! You don't use a mouse! Just press v, i, Enter.
Seagoon	Wonderful! This is really easy! What will they think of next for a user interface? Now then. "Dear Grannie. How are you?" I say. What's happened? It's not all there. Bluebottle? Help me!
Bluebottle	Aha. Hears new user in trouble. Thinks: I will help him and show him how good Linux is. Besides I might get a token of his appreciation! He might award me a quarter of modern electronic dolly mixtures! With those, I could seduce certain girls at Helsinki University! I think that would be a good game! Says aloud: Here I come Capitan, all ready to get you out of trouble!
Seagoon	At last! I thought you'd never finish that Thinks! Now type for me: Dear Grannie.
Grams	Very high speed typing, 300 words per minute or more.
Seagoon	Good. And sign it from me.
Grams	More typing
Seagoon	No, you spelt it wrong! It's spelt:
Grams	Very slow ponderous typing
Bluebottle	There. Now I'll print it.
Grams	Wide carriage line printer
Seagoon	Hooray! Under Bluebottle's expert tutilege, I have successfully written the following letter:
Grams	Seagoon reading at pretty high speed, with computer bloops and bleeps in background: "Dear Grannie. How are you. I am well, except for a terrible pain I have in my forehead. It has been there ever since I bashed the keyboard so hard it bled (the keyboard, not my forehead). Your affectionate grandson, Neddie Seagoon. PS I was going to send you a photo of myself but I have already sealed the envelope. Besides, a photo small enough would only let you see a tiny fraction of me. Neddie."
Bluebottle	Brilliant my capitan! Now just put a stamp on and post it!
Greenslade	Now we move to a quiet cottage in the peaceful green paddocks of Middle Footscray.
Minnie	Oooh, Henry, look, here's a letter from our young grandson Neddie!
Crun	Really?
Minnie	Yes, yes Hen.
Crun	Is it written on paper?
Minnie	Yes buddy.
Crun	Is it recycled paper?
Minnie	No!
Crun	Then a tree died for that! How disgraceful! All together everybody: You can't get the wood, you know!
Minnie	Did you get your catchphrase in?
Crun	Yes, the writer helped me.
Minnie	Oh, thank you Mr Writer!
Crun	Min?
Minnie	Yes Hen?
Crun	Did you say there was a letter?
Minnie	Yes Henry!
Crun	Ohhh, Minnnn! What shall we do with it?
Minnie	Frame it, Henry!
Crun	Yes, yes Min! I'll get someone to make a beautiful ornate rose-wood frame, and put diamond-paned glass over it!
Minnie	Henry?
Crun	Yes Min?
Minnie	Do you think we should open it?
Crun	Why Min?
Minnie	To see what it says, Hen!
Crun	What does it say, Min?
Minnie	I don't know. Do you know, Henry?
Crun	No. Do you Min?
Minnie	No. But do you want to know Hen?
Crun	I don't know, Min.
Minnie	Well Buddy, I want to know. I'm going to open it, Buddy. Have you got a pocket knife?
Crun	No, but I can get this table knife and put the table in my pocket if you like.
Minnie	Thank you. Now can you get the knife out and give it to me?
Crun	What for, Min?
Minnie	To open this letter with!
Crun	But do you really want to know what's in it, Min?
Minnie	Don't you, Hen?
Crun	I don't know, Min.
Minnie	Well Buddy, I want to know. I'm going to open it, Buddy. And for the benefit of the audience, I have been given authority to say that the reason the writer copied what I just said from before was because the script needed lengthening. Now, Henry, can you give me that knife?
Crun	I'm afraid not, Min. My pocket is blocked by this table.
Minnie	Then can you move the table?
Crun	I suppose so.
FX	Table being dragged very noisily
Crun	And now here's your knife!
Minnie	Thank you, Buddy. Now to open this letter. I'll save the envelope to make myself a new collar. Now then.
FX	Rustling paper as if letter being unfolded
Minnie	Oooh, Henry!
Crun	What is it, Min?
Minnie	This letter has been type-set!
Crun	Oh, what a waste of money! It must be from the Prime Minister!
Minnie	No, it's signed Neddie Seagoon!
Crun	Is he the Prime Minister? We must telephone him and give our congratulations!
Minnie	Henry?
Crun	Yes Min?
Minnie	I've just had a brilliant idea!
Crun	What is it, Min?
Minnie	Why don't we read his letter?
Crun	Good idea, Min. Very good idea. Where is it?
Minnie	Where is what?
Crun	The letter, Min!
Minnie	Oooh! Did we get one of those?
Crun	Yes, from our grandson Neddie Seagoon!
Minnie	The Prime Minister?
Crun	Yes.
Minnie	We must congratulate him!
Seagoon	EXCUSE ME! Listen, I'm not the Prime Minister! Just read my letter!
Crun	Minnie?
Minnie	Yes Henry?
Crun	Why don't we do what he says?
Minnie	All right, Henry. Now then. I'll just open it up. Oooh, Henry!
Crun	What Minnie?
Minnie	It's a typed letter, Henry!
Crun	Is it, Minnie?
Minnie	Yes. Why can't he just hand write letters? A typed letter is a bit impersonal, isn't it?
Crun	Yes, yes Min.
Minnie	I think I'll send it back to him. We don't like impersonal letters, do we Henry?
Crun	No, Minnie. We don't. So we'll tell him that. We'll tell him. Mr Seagoon?
Seagoon	Yes granddad?
Crun	Why do you type your letters?
Seagoon	I can't remember. I bought a computer for the purpose, and went to a lot of trouble. But now that I have the computer, I might as well use it!
Crun	Well, we don't approve. Your grandmother and I don't approve. We really don't. Why don't you just write your letters like your mother taught you?
Seagoon	But then what would I do with my computer?
Crun	Throw it away?
Seagoon	Yes, yes! If I hand-write my letters, I won't need a computer! Hooray! Without the computer, I won't have any trouble with anything! I wonder what Bill Gates Thynne thinks of this?
Grytpype	Don't worry Moriarty. We got his money, so all's well! We can all live happily ever after, because we know that Seagoon has spent his money for nothing!
Seagoon	(dying scream)
FX	Body hits floor
Greenslade	And so, with that ending which is dangerously close to the truth, we say goodbye from Goon land. Ah yes, that reminds me.
FX	Phone off hook, dialling
Greenslade	Bluebottle? Can you install Linux on my computer? And take a position as my in-house computer scientist? I'm sick of it crashing. Thank you.
FX	Phone hung up
Greenslade	It's all in the operating system, you know.