Tim Ritchie	This is ABC Radio National
FX	Pistol shot
Tim Ritchie	Thank you. As I have been deaded, I will ask junior cardboard and string announcer Bluebottle to fill in.
Bluebottle	Ooooh! Thank you Mr Tim Ritchie, ABC Radio National Goon Show-type announcer filling in for Mr Wallace Greenslade. Enter Bluebottle with state of the art ABC microphone. Pauses for audience applause. Notices terrible shortage of sosinges. Attempts to do "I don't care" type sign with fingers. Ladies and Gentlemen, I announce the highly steamed talking-type wireless GOON SHOW!
FX	Galloping boots
Bluebottle	Who unlocked their shackles?
Bloodnok	I was forced to do it.
Bluebottle	What with?
Bloodnok	Money.
Seagoon	What what what? But enough of this filling in time-type dialogue. Bluebottle, announce to the listeners the title of this Goon Show.
Throat	The Great Margarine Drought of 2004!
Bluebottle	You rotten swine you!
Tim Ritchie	Don't cry, Bluebottle! You can introduce our two guests to the listeners.
Bluebottle	So I can! Pulls our handkerchief, blows nose to disguise the fact that I was on the verge of tears. Enters left, strikes dramatic pose. Says aloud: Ladees and Gennerplums. Today we welcome to the program two Australian Goonatics. Give them a big hand, folks!
Grams	Smattering of applause
Bluebottle	Ladies and Gentlemen, I think you misunderstood me. I said these Australians were Goons fans!
Grams	Standing ovation
Bluebottle	That's better. Now then, on my right, the Mad Genius.
Mad Genius	Hello folks, and I'm wearing the Spike Milligan disguise to show that I wrote the show!
Bluebottle	And on my left, Chris Esstu.
Esstu	Yes folks, and this show is entirely devoted to me!
Tim Ritchie	All right you two, that's your lot. Now let's start the program. Recapping I will remind both your listeners of the title: The Great Margarine Drought of 2004!
Orchestra	Dramatic chords
Seagoon	How well I remember it. It was all due to the foul habits of a young Australian, Chris Esstu.
Esstu	Silence Neddie! Stop reading that biassed script!
Seagoon	I disagree! Anyway, if I don't we'll all be fired, before the year is out! Now then, as I was saying. Chris Esstu used to eat three kilograms of margarine a day. This led to a great upturn in business for the poisonous chemical industry, as they had to double production just to supply Esstu with enough margarine. There was only one problem: the world's supplies of arsenic, cyanide and lubricating grease were rapidly running out. Without them the great margarine factories would come to a complete halt! And then Esstu would not be able to eat any margarine, and great terror would befall the whole country.
Eccles	Oooooh.
Grytpype	So Australia had to find fresh supplies of these vital life-giving poisons. A professional consultant, known as the Mad Genius, was hired by the government to think up ways to find them.
Mad Genius	I say, how about mining for the stuff? All we have to do is find some soil conditions which indicate a large arsenic reef a few feet below the surface.
Seagoon	What conditions would they be?
Esstu	A margarine factory built on top.
Seagoon	It must be hell in there!
Tim Ritchie	And so the Mad Genius started mining underneath the country's biggest margarine factory, which was in a quiet suburb of Sydney's Hyde Park.
FX	Whistling; leisurely swinging of a pick.
Tim Ritchie	Five hundred British workmen were imported for the job.
Seagoon	One of them started working.
Grams	Noisy crowd at picket line
Grytpype	The rest immediately went on strike.
Bluebottle	We're asking for better working conditions and better pay.
Mad Genius	What pay do you want?
Bluebottle	Three dollars a week and a train ticket to Warrnambool.
Mad Genius	How could I afford to pay that sort of wage? The company hasn't had much money to spare since I started taking trips on the Great South Pacific Express every day. What can I do now?
Chief Ellinga	Me help. Me get British workmen back on job. You watch.
FX	Series of mad noises; pause
Bluebottle, Orchestra	Shame, shame, rhubarb, rhubarb.
Bluebottle	I tell you Chief Ellinga, we're not going back to work until our demands are met.
Chief Ellinga	You get back to work or me nut you!
Bluebottle	If you nut me we'll all leave the company and get a job with an IT firm!
Chief Ellinga	Bwana Max Geldray, speak to them!
Max	You boys get back to work or I start to play, ploogie!
Bluebottle	You cannot frighten me! I am known as Fearless Bluebottle of Fincheley, the bravest boy on the block! Do your worst I say!
Max	Don't say I didn't warn you, hey!
Max & Orchestra	Music
Bluebottle	I do not like this game. I know when I'm beated! All right, we'll go back to work!
Mad Genius	That Dutch fiend deserves a knighthood. Now then, have you workers found any chemicals yet?
Throat	Not yet.
Mad Genius	Well, keep on going. If you haven't found any by tomorrow at lunch time, I'll consider the fact that the mine may be worked out.
FX	Factory lunch whistle
Mad Genius	Oh dear. What shall I do now? Maybe arsenic and cyanide can't be mined after all. I shall have to try something else.
Orchestra	Bloodnok theme in double time, one octave high
Bloodnok	Ohhhhh! Oh, ahhhhh! Owwww! Ohhh smash me sobriquets, they played that record too fast!
Seagoon	Come up to date Bloodnok! They don't use records at the ABC any more, they use DVDs!
Bloodnok	Well, they played that DVD too fast then. Ohhh. These electronic devices. Now then, what did you summon me for?
Mad Genius	I need some help with this quest for life-giving poisonous chemicals. Do you know anything about it?
Bloodnok	Oh ah. No I don't. You're a poor man, aren't you?
Mad Genius	I have a government grant to find a solution. Any profits we make I'll split 50-50.
Bloodnok	50-50 be blowed. I want half or nothing.
Mad Genius	Right. Nothing. Now then, where can we find these chemicals?
Bloodnok	Oh Oh. I can't seem to think straight. All I need is one of those beautiful green pieces of plastic with the number 100 on each side.
FX	Till
Bloodnok	Oh thank you. And one of the yellow ones with 50 would help too.
FX	Till at half speed
Bloodnok	What a beautiful tune. Can you spare me a red one with 20, just so I could hear it again?
FX	Till at quarter speed
Bloodnok	I can tell you're getting more reluctant, but one of the blue ones would be just enough to get my mind in really top form.
FX	Slapstick
Bloodnok	I see.
Mad Genius	Now then, what do you know about finding these chemicals?
Bloodnok	Before I answer that, let us take a ride on one of these wonderful Tin Can trains with the windows that open because there's no air conditioning.
Mad Genius	Sounds like a job for M>Train!
Tim Ritchie	Stop with your old railway parochialism!
Esstu	Ah, here we are. North Melbourne station.
Grams	Hitachi slowing to a halt. Awful screech from brakes. Doors and windows rattling. Hail on the station roof. People sneezing.
Bloodnok	Now let's get aboard.
Grams	Hitachi taking off; reaching full speed. Hail on train roof and people still sneezing. Continues under
Mad Genius	Now Bloodnok, please tell us what we can do about this terrible chemical deficiency.
Bloodnok	Just a moment, could you open the window? We're coming up to the Maribyrnong River bridge.
Grams	Hail gets louder as from open window; wheel-on-rail noise echos as if on girder bridge
Bloodnok	Now then, to find heaps of poisonous chemicals, you must get off - HERE!
Grams	Even more wind; train noise recedes
Mad Genius	(Screams)
Grams	Splosh
Little Jim	He's fallen in the water!
Grams	Splashing as if Mad Genius is trying to swim through mucky water
Mad Genius	Well folks! It looked like I had my solution! All I needed to do was distill the poisons out of the Maribyrnong River and the margarine factories would never be short again!
Grytpype	There was one problem: the environmental lobby. They would surely object to anybody interfering with the natural pollution of the waterways! Here is a record of what went on in Parliament the next day.
Orchestra	Shame shame, rhubarb rhubarb.
Older statesman	I can truly say - that the drains of Hackney - are in a very sorry - situation. The Greens party - is wholely against - any drains - ponging. I move - that a royal commission - be set up - to discover why - drains pong.
Mad Genius	But what about the Maribyrnong River?
Older statesman	Abolish it sir!
Mad Genius	Then where will all the factories dump their pollution?
Older statesman	We will divert - a perfectly clean river - into the bed - of the Maribyrnong - so that the factories - can continue - their good work - of polluting - the environment!
Mad Genius	And what about the Greens party's commitment to protecting the environment?
Older statesman	We have - no choice. The owners - of these factories - have spent - the sum of - ten grillion rail tickets - to Kerang - to ensure - that they will - stay in business.
Moriarty	How many tickets?
Older statesman	Just a minute - I'll count them - again.
Mad Genius	That's bribery and corruption! What a political stink there'll be if it gets out! Mr Greens! I advise you to allow the Maribyrnong River to be exploited by the margarine industry before they betray you to Parliament for your deal with the facories!
Older statesman	One doesn't - get an offer like that - every day. We accept  (dying groan; body hits floor)
Mad Genius	He fell in the direction of down. And so at last I had permission to excavate the Maribyrnong River to mine chemicals from it. Victory shall be mine!
Tim Ritchie	Meanwhile, in a cave at the bottom of the river:
Minnie	(sings "Care for Our World")
Henry	Drat that modern melody woman! Min, Min, aren't you ashamed of yourself, wearing those evil high heeled gumboots? You wicked woman, you drive me maaaaaaaaad! (dying choke)
Minnie	I don't know what's come over you since we lived in this cave, Henry.
Henry	Empty bottles, plastic bags, beer cans, orange peels, dead branches and the odd tennis ball.
Minnie	I just love this old river. What other river provides such a comprehensive range of pollution?
Henry	There's always Gardiner's Creek.
Minnie	Does that have the same range of pollution?
Henry	No, but it's always there!
Minnie	Doesn't it keep moving, buddy?
Henry	Yes, but mostly it's a sleepy river which stays in its bed.
Minnie	What bed does a river sleep in?
Henry	A river bed, of course!
Orchestra	Corny Chord
Minnie	What's that sound of digging that's about to start in the next line?
Henry	What digging?
FX	Digging, continues under
Minnie	That digging, cocky!
Henry	It's all right, it's just those people in the river upstairs, putting in a poisonous garden, to grow pollution.
Minnie	Isn't it amazing what horticulturalists can do these days?
Henry	Oooooh! Look at the ceiling, Min!
Minnie	What is it Hen?
Henry	There's a shovel coming through it!
Minnie	We'll all be murdered in our beds! Tell him to stop, Henry!
Henry	You up there, stop digging our roof! Stop digging or I'll send Minnie Bannister out to fight you!
Mad Genius	Who's that down there?
Henry	The world famous back-to-nature couple, Crun & Bannister!
Mad Genius	You want to go back to nature, and you camp by the Maribyrnong?
Henry	Well of course, when you pollute a river this is its natural condition! So this is the most organic river in Melbourne!
Mad Genius	It certainly contains the most organic rubbish. But what am I to do? I have to excavate this river to find the margarine-producing chemicals!
Henry	Never! Nature before industry, and beauty before profits. This river must stay as it is.
Mad Genius	You call this beautiful?
Henry	It's natural when you pollute a river. People will get used to the pong, and then they'll call it beautiful. But it will take time, and if you excavate the river it will never happen!
Mad Genius	Well I'm sorry to say that I have an order from Parliament to do this, so you environmentalists can't do a thing about it. Kindly move aside and allow me to continue.
Henry	Ah, but you can't!
Minnie	Bravo Henry!
Henry	Because this river is our own property! Parliamentary orders only apply to public property!
Mad Genius	Ah folks! What could I do now? The situation is getting desparate. Where can I get the chemicals? Ah, Ray Ellington! Have you any ideas?
Ray	Certainly. Stand back!
Ray & Orchestra	Music
Mad Genius	No, we can't do that commercially. It looks like it'll work, but it's just too hard on the ears. Occupational Health and Safety and all that. What about importing the chemicals? I'll see what Parliament says to that.
Grams	Bob Hawke: "Never, never, never! Australia must be self sufficient! The economy will not stand any imports!"
Mad Genius	Is that your last word?
Grams	Bob Hawke: "It must be!"
Mad Genius	Why?
Grams	Bob Hawke: "Because you're about to shoot me for it! I can't talk while I'm deaded, can I?"
FX	Pistol shot
Mad Genius	So you can't. Well, so Parliament won't allow me to import from another country. Why not from somewhere else? There must be enormous reefs of precious chemicals on the moon. I'll get the ABC to find me someone to invent a rocket.
Grams	Beeps for the hour; news music; Colin Denovan: "Good morning or evening, whichever it is, this is ABC News. I know it doesn't sound like much, but such as it is, here it comes. A critical gas stove shortage has led to angry spons plinning the plon at Parliament House. The piano and saxophone players union has agreed to settle. And the Mad Genius has issued a call for an inventor to build a rocket to the moon to carry freight. There, that's the news read, so now I can go round the back for the old brandy. Television was never like this."; Explosion; static; fading and then click as if radio was turned off.
Mad Genius	All well and good. Now I just have to wait for someone to offer their services. Butler?
Willium	Yes, mate?
Mad Genius	Answer that phone, Willium.
Willium	What phone mate?
FX	Ultra-modern phone rings - one of those terrible sounding ones.
Mad Genius	That one, with the modern-type ringing sound.
FX	Phone off hook
Willium	Yes, mate?
Crun	(tinny as if over phone) I want to talk to the Mad Genius.
Willium	Just a minute, mate. 'Ere, Mr Mad Genius! It's for you mate.
Mad Genius	Give it here. Hello, Mr Crun?
Crun (as before)	How did you know it was me?
Mad Genius	Well, I wrote the script, and besides, who else is an inventor on the Goon Show?
Crun	Very clever. Now. I want to invent a rocket for you.
Mad Genius	Good, that's what I asked for on the radio.
Crun	Yes. Now we'll have to build it out of plastic I think.
Mad Genius	Why?
Crun	All together folks. You can't get the wood, you know.
Mad Genius	Yes, I finally got it into the script. Have you got all the equipment needed for the job?
Crun	Let me see. One full scale model kangaroo made out of dead ball-point pens  Three hundred and fifty nine hairy bottles of brandy mixed with Footo! The Wonder Boot Exploder  a matching pair of false teeth with No Fixed Abode  a forty foot shipping container full of Needle Nardle Noo and all necessary accessories  five hundred models of the HMAS Melbourne in the plain wrappers  Yes, it's all here.
Seagoon	And there's more where that came from!
Mad Genius	Good. So when will you be taking off?
Crun	As soon as I can find a bottle big enough to hold the stick of the rocket.
Mad Genius	Oh, no! To come as far as this and then be defeated by the size of bottles. Oh well, don't worry Mr Crun. You did your best. Goodbye!
FX	Phone hung up
Mad Genius	How else can I obtain the dangerous fumes? I know! I'll excavate rubbish tips to find plastic, treated pine, asbestos, and other things that shouldn't be burned! And I'll set fire to them in an enclosed space, catch the fumes and congeal them into margarine! Esstu will have his poisons after all!
Grams	Crackling of a bonfire, continues under
Mad Genius	It was working! All I needed to do was hold a size 27 army boot full of heavy lubricating oil upside down over the fire, and it was turned to margarine! The process was slow, but after a hard day's work I finally prepared one tub of the precious poison.
Grytpype	Then, to his horror, Esstu took the tub, dug with his table knife, spread the entire contents on a stale bread roll, and ate it!
Seagoon	Not a pretty sight!
Grytpype	In three seconds, an entire day's labour had been consumed! It was enough to make a grown orchestra cry.
Orchestra	Wailing
Mad Genius	So we had to try something else. We had to produce the stuff fast! Not only did we have Esstu's voracious appetite to satisfy, but the entire nation was wilting from a lack of good nourishing poisons. What could we do next?
Moriarty	What about taking the poison from car exhausts? There should still be something there, even if the lead has been removed.
Mad Genius	What an idea! If it works, I shall claim the responsibility for it. If it fails, it was Moriarty's idea and he can't blame me for not trying.
Moriarty	Very, very trying, you are, sir!
Mad Genius	I don't wish to know that! You insult me, the great Count "Trains" 
FX	Steam whistle
Mad Genius	Mad Genius? We must fight a duel.
Moriarty	Especially since you have taken over my catchphrases! Sapristi pistols! Three paces and then we shoot to kill!
FX	Two postol shots
Mad Genius	Thank you. Now can I rely on you to help me with this project?
Moriarty	Owwwwwwwwww, yes. What do I do first?
Mad Genius	Get me a car, then put this balloon over the exhaust pipe. We have to collect the gases and make margarine out of them.
Moriarty	What happens when the balloon is full?
Mad Genius	We stop the car, take the balloon off and put on another. It just means people who drive cars will have to stop every three seconds. People can get used to that, can't they?
Moriarty	Owwwwwwwwww 
Mad Genius	You had to go Owwwwwwwww didn't you? Do it again ad lib, we need to fill in some time.
Moriarty	Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww 
Mad Genius	That's fine. Just the length I wanted. Now go to the shops and get me a big pack of balloons.
Moriarty, off	Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwww 
Mad Genius	Now with this prototype balloon full of exhaust gas, I will try to make some margarine. Remembering the previous experiment I will hold an army boot full of grease over the balloon and let it go.
Grams	Balloon letting air out; Mad Genius screaming
Mad Genius	Curse, I forgot exhaust gases are hot! In the pain I dropped the boot full of grease and the precious margarine was wasted.
Orchestra	Wailing
Seagoon	And it's pronounced:
Grams	Bweep.WAV
Mad Genius	There's just one more thing I can think of. There must be very large deposits of poisons in Esstu's body! All we have to do is operate on the Charlie, and we'll find enough supplies to last the entire country for a hundred years!
Esstu	Hey! You can't do this to me! Heeeeeeeeelp! (continues under)
Tim Ritchie	That was the Goon Show, an ABC recorded program