From: (Raven)
Subject: Script newly writted! - The Goon Witch Project!
Date: 1999/08/14
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"The Goon Witch Project"

Greenslade: This is the BBC Light Programme. HUP!
(FX- Fanfare)

Grytpype-Thynne: You silly, twisted announcer.

Seagoon: Cease your nattering, and give us the subject of this week's
custard in that posh talk dere, Wal.

Greenslade: Ta. As I see by the scrawling on this policewoman's

Eccles: Ohhh...

Greenslade: As I see by the scrawling on this policewoman's
suspenders, this week's rubbish is the story of three steaming
charlies in search of a particularly naughty legend. So we present -
(Scary musical sting)

Throat: The Goon Witch Project. (Scary musical sting again)

Seagoon: It was in the summer of needle nardle noo that my associates
and I embarked on the project that was to forever change our lives. O,
belated wisdom! Why, I remember it as though it were yesterday.

Cobbers: It was only yesterday, matey. (FX- Splash, then as is from
far away) Oh, mate, oh...

Leetle Jeem: He's fallen in the WATer!

Seagoon: Got that in quickly, didn't we folks? The story started when
I became aware of the legend of The Witch Of East Finchley. It all
began when I was reading the columns on the back of my all red-leather
newspaper type suit. The pertinent article read -

Neddy's voice: (very scratchy, as if from a record in very nasty
condition) "The legendary cardboard and string Witch Of East Finchley
had her splunge completely nadgered nearly two hundred years ago. It
is rumoured that upon her death, she left a considerable fortune

Seagoon: Oh, if only I could find a right charlie, who would assist me
in my noble quest to bring forth the priceless treasure for the good
of England fair! It would be worth MILL- (FX- Whoosh!)

Bloodnok: Ah, Ned, you're playing my song.

Seagoon: Major Bloodnok! So, you've come to join me in my noble quest,

Bloodnok: Yes, yes, me lad.

Seagoon: Very well! We shall set sail for East Finchley at once!
HUZZAH! (Inset stirring military music and such)

Bloodnok: Oh, it must be HELL in there.

Greenslade: Ta. To see you off, here is the music of the steaming
Dutch punch-up-the-conker, Max Geldray.

Seagoon: Awfully sporting of you, Wal. While Max is showing off that
dirty big 'ooter of his, we'll nip 'round the back for the ol' brandy,
dere! (FX- Stampeding feet into Geldray musical number)

Greenslade: The Goon Witch Project, part the second. In which the
first two of our steaming great nits arrive in East Finchley, that
bustling metropolis of yore. (Music cue: Bloodnok's theme)

Bloodnok: OOOhhHHH! OOOOoOOOOhhh!! OOhhHhhHH! Oh.. oh... oh, no more
curried lamb for breakfast, I tell you. Ohhh...

Seagoon: Major Bloodnok! Cease your gastric irregularities. We must
find a native guide to show us about this dirty big woods.

Bluebottle: I heard you. I heard you, my Capitain! Waits for audience
applause. As usual, not a sausage.

Seagoon: Attend me, tea stained nit. Major Bloodnok and I are seeking
adventure in the great woodlands of East Finchley.

Bluebottle: I will help you, my capitain, I will. Oh. What sort of
adventure are you looking for, then?

Seagoon: Why, the legendary Witch Of East Finchley. (FX- Whoosh) Well,
scrun. Bluebottle's scarpered.

Bloodnok: So he has. Well then, my boy, that means more of the
treasure for m... I mean, for us, don't you know. (FX- Whoosh) Well,
spladger me prills, he's returned.

Bluebottle: I have changed my mind, my capitain. I shall help you, for
a small consideration, dere.

Seagoon: Such as?

Bluebottle: A lifetime supply of licorice, dere... an' a date wif
Sabrina. Eeeehee! Thinks: thoughts like dat can harm a lad. (FX- Cash
register) Thank you, my capitain.

Seagoon: Now, o stout hearted Lion Of East Finchley, let us seek out
supplies for our epic journey. HUZZAH! (FX- Crowd chants of "HUZZAH!")
STOP! Now, let us see. What sort of supplies shall we carry. Ah, I
know! A bit of the ol' brandy, dere! (FX- Stampeding feet into musical
cue of a saxophone whailing away)

Crun: Min.. Min.. modern Min.. cease that modern rhythym type naughty
saxophone nattering. 

Bannister: Henry.. Henryyyyy.. I've got to keep in practice, Henryyyy.

Crun: Why's that, modern Min?

Bannister: Because they'll murder us in our beds, buddy!

Seagoon: If you can follow that logic, you're a better man than I.
Ahem. Attention, good shopkeepers! We have arrived... where did they

Bloodnok: You have to open the door and enter, lad.

Seagoon: A-ha ha, *ahem*. Well, let us so do! Bluebottle, make a sound
effect of a door opening! (FX- Door opening) WELL DONE! (FX- Crowd

Bannister: Henrryyyy, make a sound effect of a door closing! (FX- Door
closing into crowd "HUZZAH"ing)

Seagoon: STOP! Ah, youth. Greetings, quaint local-type merchant. We
wish to purchase scrinshun scranshun scrulls, and needle nardle noo.
Thank you. Now, how much does yon bill of fare come to?

Crun: Forty seven million pounds.

Seagoon: FORTY S... I.. I.. I haven't got that much money. I..

Bloodnok: Fear not, lad. All we need is a sponsor, as they say.
Someone to underwrite, as they say, our expedition.

Seagoon: Where will we find such a person, to underwrite our search
for untold of treasure? (FX- Two consecutive "WHOOSH"es) Just had to
ask, didn't I?

Grytpype-Thynne: (aside, to audience) Greetings, gentle listeners. It
certainly took long enough for them to work us in, didn't it? (Aloud,
to Neddy) Greetings, herr Seagoon. My name is Hercules
Grytpype-Thynne, and the gentleman with me here, in the paper sack, is
none other than the well known romancer and secret senna pod drinker,
Le Comte De Jim "Knee Trembler" (Moriaty: AaAAoOoWWwwwW.) Morirarty.

Moriarty: We are willing to pay your bill, Neddy, for a small
consideration. EhheeOOoWwww.

Seagoon: Such as?

Grytpype-Thynne: Fully half of whatsoever treasure you may find.

Seagoon: GOOD! (FX- Cash register)

Grytpype-Thynne: Now, let us introduce the musical lurgi that is Ray
Ellington. But first, Moriarty, give us an "AaaAaaooOOoWwwWWW".

Moriarty: AaaAaaooOOoWwwWWW.

Grytpype-Thynne: Ah, melody divine.

(Ellington musical number)

Greenslade: And now, The Goon Witch Project, part the third. In which
our intrepid heroes fting ftang ftoo. I.. I can't read this rubbish!
It's beneath my dignity as Wallace Greenslade, Demon Talker type
announcer for the Beeb Beeb Ceeb! I - OH!(FX- Splash)

Leetle Jeem: He's fallen in the water!

Seagoon: Twice in one episode, Leetle Jeem. 

Leetle Jeem: (incomprehensible nattering)

Seagoon: Ahem. Well, we've arrived. Deep in the great woodlands of
East Finchley.

Moriarty: Yes, yes, Neddy. EehheeeoOww. For to find la belle treasure.
AooOOOwwwWW! (Goes nuts)

Grytpype-Thynne: Down, Moriarty, down. We must think, and think

Bluebottle: Well, that disqualifies this lot, then. (FX- THWACK)
EEuuhEEEE! You flicked my nut! That can harm a lad, you know. Thinks:
I'm in de woods, dere, and it's scary and dark. But soft, what could
harm a lad out here? (FX- branch breaks and then WHOOSH)

Bloodnok: I say. Bluebottle has scarpered again. (FX- Fade in bagpipe
music, then screeching to a stop)

Throat: Telegram for Seagoon.

Seagoon: That's all?

Throat: Yes.

Seagoon: Thank you.

Throat: Goodbye. (FX- Fade up bagpipe music, and then fade out again,
as if heading off into the distance)

Seagoon: Major Bloodnok, play this steam pressed, red leather omnibus
in the shape of a recording of Bloonbottle's message.

Blodnok: Right. (Sound of scratchy record, then)

Bluebottle: I'm not going to get deaded looking for some dirty big
treasure. That can harm a lad, you know. Now, how to shut off this
modern rhythym type exploding type recorder. Wait a minute. Expl- (FX-
BOOM) EeuUUhHHHeee!!! You wrotten swine, you!

Seagoon: While all this ftang ftang ftang was happening, we approached
the site of the last known vision of The Witch Of East Finchley. I
asked Major Bloodnok if he would care to approach for us and see. (FX-
WHOOSH) He scarpered.

Grytpype-Thynne: Fear not, Neddy. We shall not desert you.

Seagoon: O, faithful friends.

Moriarty: For a small consideration, of course. AaaAoooWWW!

Seagoon: But.. but.. I have no more money! (FX - Two WHOOSHes)So I was
alone, face to face with The Witch Of East Finchley. Come out, witch!
I am Neddy Seagoon! I am not afraid of you! Come out, I say!

Eccles: Halloo!

Seagoon: Eccles! You are The Witch Of East Finchley?

Eccles: Yah! I writted down a job what was found on a piece of paper.

Seagoon: But... but what about the treasure?

Eccles: You ever heard o' Inland Revenue?

Seagoon: You mean...

Eccles: Let dat be a lesson to you! OHO! (Fade in Goon closing theme)

Greenslade: That was The Goon Show, a not-yet-recorded BBC program...