From: Steve Dale (chipper eccles ihug.co.nz)
Subject: NEW SCRIPT! Euphonium at Dawn!
Date: 2002-06-04 16:00:11 PST
THE GOON SHOW
An as-yet-unrecorded show
'Euphonium At Dawn'
Wal: This is the tremendous and very entertaining service of the BBC. Vote
FX: LONG DRAWN SCREEEEEEEEEEEAAAAMMMS AND THUNDER OF DEPARTING CROWD. DOOR
Ned: Who left the doors open!? Mr Stott; - quickly, emergency music!
GRAMS: THE ARCHERS' THEME
FX: SHEEP BLEATING
Ned: I knew that would bring them back! Now quickly, bolt the doors!
FX: DOZENS OF HUGE BOLTS, CHAINS AND LOCKS. TAKES A WHILE
Spike: Easy money!
Ned: Now Wal; tell them the good news!
Wal: Ladies and Gentlemen...(pause)...and those who can't quite make up
their minds! (ahem) We now present, especially arranged for violin,
harpsichord and M1 Highway in F, with a solo for Dirt Track in Bb, The
Highly Steamed, Pressed and Hung up to dry Goon Show!!
ORCHESTRA: BANG-CRASH FANFARE, ENDS ON EXPLOSION, BITS AND PIECES...
Wal: Thank you! They did that rather well, don't you think?
Ned: Yes, I think they must have been practicing!
Wal: Right on with the show!
Hern: (passage of time voice) We Present a story packed from beginning to
end with mediocrity, under the title of....
FX: EXPLOSION. EUPHONIUM GIVES LONG FALLING WAIL! BASS THUD (TRY BASS DRUM)
Hern: ...Euphonium At Dawn!
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC THEME
Wal: The year; 1953. ...1953?? Good heavens, I'll have to hurry or I'll miss
FX: FOOTSTEPS HURRYING AWAY.
Jim: Yes, 1953. A very bad year for me...I was born! I was ....boo-- orn!
Grytpype: Enough! Let's start this story from the beginning!...
FX: THUNDEROUS VOLCANO
Hern: (over above, 'National Geographic' voice) First, the earth cooled,
Grytpype: (shouts) Not that far back, you twit!!
FX: VOLCANO OUT. SLOW FADE IN ON HARBOUR SOUNDS...
Grytpype: I meant 1953, not ten billion BC!
Ned: Quite right Grytpype! Right now Wal; carry on lad, and give us the old
posh chat there!
Wal: The scene, Thames Dockside. A hive of feverish INactivity, as the
imigrants from the new World bring their shattered bank accounts back home
to the old! Notable is the True Blue Britisher, Neddie McTavish O'Houlihan
Aled Seagoon, QTH, BA, PhD, VC, WXYZ, and Bar!
Ned: Yes, I had gone to New York to earn some money. Thankfully I fell on
good times. It hurt, but I kept on going. And finally I made a
quarter-million pounds on Busts of Queen Victoria!
ORCHESTRA: VERY FAST 'RULE BRITANNIA'
Ned: Thank you. This I brought back to good old England with me, sewen in
the lining of my wig.
Eidleburger:(German) Goont Efenining!
Ned: What in blazes...who are you sir?? Explain away that saurkraut-stained
Eidleburger: I am Jusin Eidleburger!
FX: FAST SIEG HEIL x 3
Eidleburger: Zank you! Now zen Herr Seagoon, I haff been lead to
underschtand that you haff eine quarter of a million pounds in cash or
Ned: Where did you get that piece of information?
Eidleburger: I vass listenning on ze radio ven I heard you say it!
Ned: You disgusting eavesdropper you! Well, since you ask, yes, I have got a
FX: CLATTER OF POCKET CALCULATOR
Eidleburger: (aside, over above) In German Deuchmarks, at eine rate of
2.792486389 to 1, zat ist...er... 1,345,558.42! (ecstasy) Oooohhhh! Loverly
Eidleburger: (aloud, recovering decorum) All right. Now may I sugesst eine
vay of schpending all zat NNNNNNaughty money?
Ned: OK, how?
Big Chief Worri Gutz (Harry): HOW!
Big Chief Fred Smith OBE (Ray): UUUUGGGGGGG!
Ned: (dry) Yes, I thought that too!
ORCHESTRA: CORNY CHORD
Eidleburger: Zank you, and now back to ze plot! If you vill valk zis way,
I'll follow you!
Eidleburger: Because if you walk ze ozzer way, you'd be had up for indecent
Eidleburger: Vell, try it und zee!
Ned: OK...(grunts & groans, associated funny noises, etc)
FX: CROWD OF WOMEN SCREAMING, VERY SHORT SIREN, CLANG OF PRISON DOOR.
Eidleburger: Any qvestions?
Ned: Nien! I mean No! Now, come and post my bail!
Eidleburger: Certainly; what's your address?
Ned: The Scrubbs!!
Eidleburger: Right, stzand by for Fastpost!
Wal: (sad) Seven Years Later...
Jim: Hello Jim, Hello Jeee-heeeem! Jeem, jeem, jeem, where are you Jeem!?
Awww Jeem! He's escaped Jeem!!
Ned: No I haven't; I'm here jailer!
Jim: Well stand up Jeem!
Ned: (dry) I AM standing up!
Jim: Oo Jeem, so you are jeem! I have a parcel for you Jim! Shall I untie
Ned: No, no! I may be a file with a cake hidden inside!
FX: PARCEL UNWRAPPED
Ned: (disappointed) Oh, no file. Just (suddenly excited) this package of
bail money! I'll just put it in my wallet for safety!
FX: HUGE SAFE DOOR CLOSES WITH A CLANG.
Ned: There, nobody can get at it except me!
FX: DUNGEON DOOR OPENING
Jim: That'll be forty-five dollars and sixty-two cents in US money Jim!
Jim: No Jim, I'm a Britisher!
ORCHESTRA: SOLO TRUMPET, FIRST SIX NOTES OF 'THE QUEEN'
Jim: Stand up!
Jim: Now take yer hat off Jeem!
FX: ANVIL, SCREAM.
Jim: Now sign this receipt for that lump I just gave you Jim.
Ned: All right.
ORCHESTRA: PIANO, HOT BREAK, WITH HUGE FLOURISH ON THE END.
Jim: Oh Jeeeem! What lovely handwriting Jim!
Ned: Yes, I learned it from my mother you know.
Jim: Now where's yer money Jim?
Bloodnok: Ooh, the old Jewish piano, Augh!
Ned: Now can I get out?
Jim: Yes Jim...
FX: DUNGEON DOOR
Jim: ...Orf yer go, and don' let me see yer in here again Jim!
Ned: Yes, all right..all right
FX: FOOTSTEPS INTO DISTANCE.
Ned: (close to mic) I suppose I'd better follow them!
ORCHESTRA: CRAZY CHORD
Eidleburger: Ah; Herr Seagoon; you're back...alzo your front!
Ned: Whew! Thank goodness I managed to catch my feet! Otherwise I would
never have got here!
Eidleburger: Where are they now then?
FX: FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING TO FOREGROUND.
Ned: Ah, at last! Right, Eidleburger, lead the way and I'll preceed you, as
soon as I unveil this new bust of Queen Victoria!
ORCHESTRA: 'RULE BRITANNIA' AS BEFORE.
Eidleburger: OK, let'z gooo!
FX; WHOOSH, WHOOSH!
Ned: Eidleburger led me to a dark car with sidewhiskers.
Eidleburger: In you get!
Ned: But I can't drive!
Eidleburger: Don't worry! I'll tie your hands to the steering wheel!
FX; BROKEN DOWN OLD MODEL 'T' STARTS UP AND DRIVES OFF AT BREAKNECK SPEED.
CRASH IN DISTANCE.
Ned: (close to mic) Good job I wasn't in it!
Eidleburger: What??? You ver'nt in it??? Zen who was driving?
Eccles: (approach, panting) Me!!
Ned: Eccles! Are you hurt?
Eccles: No! Shall I try again?
Eidleburger: Schave it for the Iffel Tower! Vell, here ve are!
Ned: Ah; Westminster! Where to from here?
Eidleburger: Das visiter's gallery!
FX: WHOOSH, WHOOSH.
OMNES & FX: LARGE CROWD RUBARBS
Ned: Yes indeed listeners, here we were in the visitor's gallery. I set up a
bust of Queen Victoria, and...
ORCHESTRA: 'RULE BRITANNIA' INTERRUPTS NED
Ned: ...Thank you. And started to read the seat back in front of me.....work
that out! I had just reached the third line when...
FX; FRED THE OYSTER.
Eidleburger: Ve'll vait until zer honourable member has finished zis speech.
FX; LARGE CROWD, 'HEAR HEAR!'
Willum: Here, you two men, what are you a' doin' of there?
Ned: It was a doorman carrying a large euphonium.
Willum: Yes mate, yeah...
Ned: What are you doing with that euphonium, I said, to which Eidleburger
Eidleburger: Ah, Herr Seagoon, vouldn't it be great ift someone played zer
euphonium at zer North Pole! It would mean fame....fortune....MONEY!!
Ned: (in quick) Right! Gimme that euphonium!
Willum: Right, mate, 'ere yer are. Be careful wiv it now mate, I named it
after me old dad I did...
Ned: Ye gods, what a love euphonium your dad must have been!
Eidleburger: Now zen zend zer doorman away!
Peter: Because I can't play two parts at once!
Ned: OK, doorman, you may go!
FX: DOOR OPENS & SHUTS
Ned: OK Eidleburger; he's gone!
Eidleburger: Good! I was getting a bit worried!
Ned: OK, now who's going to play the pipes at the pole?
Eidleburger: Ich bien der playing das euphonium! Rouss das euphonium!! (goes
off into furious german)
Ned: You do it, you can clean it up mate! OK, when?
Eidleburger: I'll leave that to you!
Eidleburger: Now vere shall ve meet?
Ned: Wherever you like!
Eidleburger: Good, meet you on the dot!
Ned: Sure enough, I met him standing on a dot!
Eidleburger: Now, we shall want special equipment!
Ned: Such as?
Eidleburger: A bust of Queen Victoria!
ORCHESTRA: 'RULE BRITANNIA'
Ned: Well, it just so happens that I have one in my pocket! Just a minute...
FX: HUGE SAFE OPENING, THEN TIN CANS, PLATES SMASHING, POTS AND PANS, LOAD
OF CORRUGATED IRON CRASHES, KNIVES, FORKS AND SPOONS, ETC, CARRYS ON FOR A
ORCHESTRA: 'RULE BRITANNIA'
FX SINGLE FORK ON CONCRETE FLOOR.
Ned: Nope, looks as if it's in my other suit!
Eidleburger: Nezzer mind. Ve vill alzo need ozzer specisal eqvipment.
Ned: Such as?
Ned: Right, here's a recording of a blank cheque.
FX: 78 RECORD HISS AND CRACKLE, SLIGHT CLICK.
Ned: Just fill out the label for any amount you like!
Eidleburger: (ecstasy) Oooohhhh, money, money, lovely money, money,
Ned: Now, what else do we need?
Eidleburger: A Bust of Queen Victoria!
ORCHESTRA: 'RULE BRITANNIA'
Ned: Thank you. And now as we listen to Max Gelgray, we'll fortify ourselves
with a BRANDYYYY!
FX: BOOTS RUNNING AWAY, ACCOMPANIED BY SHOUTS AND YELLS...
Max & Orchestra: (music)
Ned: A week later saw me outside Westminster with a full set of gear waiting
for Eidleburger. I waited for a few minutes, then I heard a voice above me:
Eidleburger: Herr Seagoon! Are you ready??
Eidleburger: All right stay there and I'll climb up to you!
FX: CLIMBING; GOES ON FOR QUITE A WHILE.
Ned: (puzzled) Funny; I thought I was on the ground!
Eidleburger: (miles away) In that case, come and help me down! Quickly
FX: BIG BEN, VERY LOUD, STRIKES THE FULL HOUR AND THE FULL TWELVE, AT
Eidleburger: (completing his sentence) .If you don't the clock will deafen
ORCHESTRA: GOON CHORD.
Eidleburger: (normal) Right Mr Sneezegroin, have you got all the equipment
we will need?
Ned: Yes. And I have someone who will carry it for us.
Eidleburger: Oh yes, and who is that?
Eidleburger: Sounds like Major Bloodnok!
Ned: No it isn't, he never had it that bad. No, it's Mr Henry Crun, thin
ancient and inventor. Mr Crun? Front and Centre!
Minnie: He's.he's trying to say how do you do!
Ned: Well tell him not to bother.
Minnie; The man says not to bother to say 'how do you do', Henry.
Crun: How do you do Henry.
Min: Very well thank you. (Into distance) Very small part for me this week.
Ned: Come on now Mr Crun, . Have you all the items we require?
Crun: (quickly recovering) Yyyes! Yes I have.
Eidleburger: Such as?
Crun: Right, stand by to check. Twenty hundredweight of rusty iron pipe with
fittings, forty-two lead birdbaths, sixteen dog cardigans, seventeen grand
pianos, twenty-five fire engines with full crews, and most important of all,
a ticket to Blackpool Tower!
Eidleburger: Ah, yes, moszt important! You can't get up the Tower without a
Collector: (distant).Wi'out a ticket.!
Eidleburger: Now what about food?
Crun: Ah we box clever there! You are taking in this suitcase the entire
Ritz Plaza Hotel Bar and Grill! You are going to eat in STYLE lad!!
Ned: Now is there anything else we need?
OMNES: (HUGE CHORUS) ...A STATUE OF QUEEN VICTORIA!
ORCHESTRA: RULE BRITANNIA.
Ned: Thank you! Now how do we get to the North Pole?
Eidleburger: We'll travel by train.
Ned: By train?? Trains run in the arctic? My life that's madness already!
Eidleburger: I'll get the tickets.
Ned: (resigned) All right, I'll accept it, millions wouldn't!
Eidleburger: (off) Two cheap day-returns to the North Pole.
Jim: (off) All right Jeem, 'ere y'are, now don't use them all in one stretch
Eidleburger: I'm not going to use them in any stretch!
FX: TRAIN WHISTLE.
Ned: Oh ye gods! Quickly Eidleburger; Eccles! We've got to get going!
Porter! Carry me to the train!
Mate: You look strong enough to carry yerself sir!
Ned: All right, I'll try that then! Help me up onto my shoulders!
All: Various grunts and associated funny noises...
FX: TWO CLANKS
Mate: You've dropped your knees mate!
Ned: There you are folks, let's see them do THAT on television!
FX: STEAM WHISTLE
Bloodnok: Ahh, that's better!
Ned: I can't stop now! Mail them to me in a plain wrapper marked, 'Knees,
FX: BOOTS RUSH AWAY AT SPEED.
FX: STEAM WHISTLE AGAIN, THEN TRAIN CHUGS AWAY AT CARTOON SPEED.
Wal: And as Mr Seagoon and Mr Eidleburger speed northwards, the horizon is
lit by the sun-drenched knees of...Ray Ellington!
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET - MUSIC
Wal: Thank you Ray Ellington. The cheque for 25p is in the mail. We rejoin
Seagoon, Eidleburger and Eccles as they speed north in a cardboard cutout of
the Flying Scotsman.
FX: CARTOON SPEED STEAM TRAIN FROM INSIDE
Ned: All right Eidleburger, now while we are waiting I will just put on this
record of me snoring.
FX: COD SNORES
Eccles: Oooh, I say Mr Eidleburger, it looks as if Neddy is asleep!
Eidleburger: Quite right. Now we have all that we need, there is no need for
Ned, is there?
Eccles: (pause) no!
Eidleburger: So when we get to the next station we can dump him out on the
Eccles: (pause) yeah!
Eidleburger: So where's the next station?
Eccles: I dunno. I'll ask this nice train conductor here. Ahem, 's'cuse me,
are you the conductor of this train?
Bluebottle: (loud) No I'm Not!!!
Eccles: Hello Bottle!
Bluebottle: Hello Enckles!
Eccles: Hello Bottle!
Bluebottle: Hello Enckles!
Eccles: Hello Bottle!
Bluebottle: Hello Enckles!
Eccles: What are you doing on this train wearing a conductor's uniform?
Bluebottle: My little brownie friend told me that a man in a uniform
attracts women like flies!!
Eccles: Oooohhh! I wondered why all your women looked like flies!
Bluebottle: Oooh, who is that snoring under the seat?
Eccles: It's Neddy! He's going to play the euphonium at the North Pole!
Bluebottle: (disbelieving) I thought that we threw him down a well in the
Last Goon Show of All!
Eccles: (pause) Yeah.....we did!
Bluebottle: Well then what is it that he is doing up here again then?
Eccles: (pause) He must have got better!
Jim Spriggs: All tickets please! All tickets Pleeeeee-eeze!!
Bluebottle: (in quick) That nice man asleep there has got our tickets! He
said he had bought them for us!
Jim: Oh really - Reee-lyyyy! Here, you, Mister Man, wake up! I want these
lads' tickets! Tiiick-eeeets!
Ned: (waking up) What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what,
what, what, what????
Grytpype: Only thirteen watts? (All together folks.) You're not very bright,
ORCHESTRA: GOON CHORD.
Jim: Come on now jim; were's your ticket?
Ned: I don't have one!
Mate: Then OUT HE GOES!
FX: ROAR OF PASSING TRAIN. NED SCREAMS AS HE IS THROWN OUT. (TRY WELL-SCREAM
FROM THE LAST GOON SHOW OF ALL.) TRAIN PASSING. FADES. WIND UP...
Ned: Ah...ah.....<gasping>....I lay on my front in the snow on the
embankment. (turns uppercrust) This was very uncomfortable, so I turned and
lay on my back in the snow on the embankment. Than I lay my head on my
euphonium that I had fortunately brought with me! In this position I fell
asleep. When I awoke, I discovered that I had my eyes closed! I must have
closed them while I slept. And it all happened in the snow on the
Peter: (quietly, close to mic) Mr. Seagoon is being treated by Doctor Horace
Fees, the famous psychiatrist.
Ned: Finally I staggered to my feet and decided to make my way to the next
station, intending to catch up to the blackguards who had thrown me off the
train - in the snow on the embankment! I staggered through the snow on the
embankment. It was very cold. I decided that I should put on a few more
clothes than the g-string I was wearing. I pulled a hand-towel around my
Spike: Not a pretty sight!
FX: LOTS OF WOMAN OOOO-ING!
Ned: (chuckles) Sorry! Suddenly I heard the sound of a band approaching.
ORCHESTRA: BLOODNOK THEME.
FX: HUGE THUNDERCLAP, CRASHES, DYNAMITE EXPLOSION.
Bloodnok: (over above) Ooohh...aaughhh!....aohaoh (FX out) - No wonder
nobody asks me out any more! Ah Neddy, I say I say I say....
Ned: This is not a joke!
Bloodnok: I'll say it isn't! You standing there in the driving snow with
nothing on but a g-string and a towel! You ought to be ashamed of yourself
Spike: Major Bloodnok is also being treated by Dr Fees.
Ned: I beg your pardon sir, but I'm not ashamed of myself!
Bloodnok: Neither am I!
ORCHESTRA: GOON CHORD
Bloodnok: Now what the blazes are you doing here sir?
Ned: I've just been thrown out of a train!
Bloodnok: Any right-thinking Englishman would have done the same.
Ned: But we're not in England!
Bloodnok: Ah, that explains it!
Ned: I want to get to the North Pole to play the euphonium.
Ned: No real reason...
FX: MUTED TRUMPET AT TWILIGHT, SOUNDS 'TAPS'
Ned: (over above, very noble) ...It's just that I want to do something that
will bring glory and honour to England.
FX: TELEPHONE DIALING...RINGING TONE IN HEADSET....
Lew: (distort throughout) Hello!?
Bloodnok: Hello, is that the offices of Dr Horace Fees?
Bloodnok: I got a right one here for you!
Lew: Right snorror, just hold him there for a moment and......
FX: VERY FAST AMBULANCE SIREN. DOORS OPEN. NED SCREAMS QUICKLY. DOORS SLAM
SHUT. SIREN UP, AND DISAPPEARS VERY FAST.
Lew: (same distortion) All right schlapper, we got 'im! Ta! (PHONE DOWN)
Bloodnok: And oh dear, and what do you know, he left the euphonium behind!
Right; I'll get the honour and the glory and..... the money!!
ORCHESTRA: VICTORIOUS LINK
Wal: But it wasn't that easy. For the next fourteen weeks, Bloodnok
struggled through the huge snowstorms as he made his way northwards, walking
alongside the centrally heated bus. Finally he found himself almost within
sight of the North Pole.
FX: RAGING BLIZZARD, SEVERAL EXPLOSIONS.
Bloodnok: (panting) Augh....oh.....auuuughhhh! (after one huge explosion)
AAAAH! That's better. Now. Just over this hill.....and......
Ned: (very loud, from the distance) Bloodnok!!!!!
Bloodnok: (terror) Ahhhhoaughhhh!
FX: FOOTSTEPS RUNNING AWAY. HUGE SPLASH. BLOODNOK YELLS. BLOODNOK SINKS.
Wal: (wearily) Say it, lad, and get it over and done with!
Little Jim: He's fallen in da water!
Ned: (laughs) I knew we could get it in somewhere! Listeners, I got out of
prison using the Monopoly card, and made my way to the North Pole in
comfort, and sat here and waited for Bloodnok. Now here is my euphonium that
he so foolishly left behind when he ran in terror!
FX: NED PICKS UP THE EUPHONIUM
Ned: Now. We're at the North Pole. I have my euphonium back! Nothing can go
FX: SOLO EUPHONIUM, OPENING BARS OF 'TREES', THEN SLIDES DOWN.... SHIRTTAIL
Ned: (horror) Ahhhh! No! The shirttail explosion! We always wondered where
those extra bottles of exploding shirt-tail fluid got to! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
FX: BOOTS RUNNING AWAY! HUGE EXPLOSION IN DISTANCE. BODY INTO WATER.
Little Jim: (quick) He's fallen in da water again!
ORCHESTRA: SHORT VERSION OF 'I WANT TO BE HAPPY', IN 2/4; TWO LINES ONLY.
Pause. (audience reaction)
Wal: Well, yes, now, you will all want to know what became of Ned. Yes.
ORCHESTRA: GOON GALLOP. UP, THEN DOWN UNDER...
Wal: That was the Goon Show, a not-yet-recorded show by the BBC. Featuring
Peter Sellars, Harry Secombe, and Spike Milligan. Music by Angela Morley,
and the orchestra. Items by Ray Ellington and Max Gelgray. Script not by
Spike Milligna, the well-known typing error. Announcer Wallace Greenslade.
Producer not John Browell.
ORCHESTRA: MUSIC UP, AND PLAYOUT TO END.
Spike: What a rotton end! I could have done much better!
Harry: Then why didn't you?!
Peter: Now come on you two....
(CONVERSATION DISINTEGRATES INTO HUGE ARGUEMENT...)
ORCHESTRA INTERRUPTS. PLAYOUT: DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD.
Peter Sellars: Bluebottle, Major Bloodnok, Hern, Hercules Grytpype-Thynne,
Justin Eidleburger, Willum.
Spike Milligan: Eccles, Jim Spriggs, Moriarty, Lew, Little Jim.
Harry Secombe: Ned Seagoon, Big Chief Worri Guts.
Ray Ellington: Big Chief Fred Smith, OBE
Wallace Greenslade: The Announcer.