Greenslade	This is the ABC.
Eccles	Oooooh.
Seagoon	Shut up Eccles! Now then, ladies and gentlemen, -
Eccles	Keep your mouth shut when you speak to me!
Seagoon	Eccles, let's not be rude! The ABC have strict rules about such things. And remember, this is the highly steamed Australian-type Goon Show!
FX	Slapstick
Bluebottle	Ahhhhh! Who hitted me?
Seagoon	Me! Now get backstage will you? As I was saying, Ladies and Gentlemen! Tonight, by special request of Emperor Napoleon himself, -
Eccles	Dat's me, fellers!
Seagoon	Shut up Eccles!
Eccles	Shut up Eccles!
Seagoon	By special request of Eccles Napoleon himself, we bring you, especially written for the occasion, right here on your wireless, the tragic tale of -
Orchestra	Tragic chords
Seagoon	All right, all right, now then, please let me finish. The tragic tale of, The Dreaded Exploding Saxophones!
Orchestra	Dramatic chords
Seagoon	Ah, folks! This story starts on a dark and stormy day in the middle of an Aussie outback drought. The sun was blotted out by a clear blue sky, and visibility was so bad that nobody could see a kilometer in front of them unless they used their eyes. Rain was falling at the rate of three millimetres a year, and weather was expected.
Greenslade	Here is the news. Today the sun was blotted out by a clear blue sky, and visibility was so bad that  I say, what absolute rubbish! That was yesterday! I refuse to read this!
Seagoon	What what what?
Greenslade	Yes sir, that's right. I refuse to read yesterday's news! Why, if I did it might lead to 
Grams	Explosion
Greenslade	Mercy on us! It's happened already! Look!
Seagoon	He pointed his quavering hairy knee at the body of a saxophone which had been lying on the floor. It had exploded without a trace!
Orchestra	Dramatic chords.
Seagoon	So Greenslade and I cowered in a corner, waiting for the rest to go. But we couldn't just stay here! We had to get help!
Grams/Orchestra	Bloodnok theme
Bloodnok	Here I am, don't worry, old Dennis will fix everything! Now, what's the problem?
Seagoon	That saxophone in the plain wrappers over there - it just exploded!
Bloodnok	Exploded?
Grams	Whoosh
Bloodnok (off)	Have you any explanation for this?
Seagoon	Er  no.
Bloodnok	Well why do you think I'll do anything about it? You can't force me, no matter how hard you try!
Seagoon	Money?
Bloodnok	Oh, all right. Now what do you want me to do?
Seagoon	Find out what causes the saxophones to explode, and put a stop to it.
Bloodnok	And how much is the job worth?
Seagoon	Well, it depends.
Bloodnok	Come along, don't be bashful. I can accept Pounds Sterling, Australian dollars or Euros. Take your pick.
Seagoon	My pick is as broke as I am.
Bloodnok	Well don't keep a broken pick, throw it out!
Seagoon	I would, but I can't afford it.
Bloodnok	Does this mean I won't be paid for the job?
Seagoon	Oh no, I've plenty of money. How about twenty dollars?
Bloodnok	Sock me Score-sheet, you said the secret password. Max Geldray? Call me a cab to take me round the back for the old BRANDYYYYYYYYY!
Max	You are a cab! Ploogie!
Max & Orchestra	Music
Greenslade	Now, dear listener, if you will balance a gas stove on your knees and a piano on your great steaming nut, light the gas stove and swallow the piano, you will be able to hear Part Spon. And I'd like to point out that though I read this, I certainly did not write it.
Grytpype	Ah Neddie. Have a railway station.
Seagoon	No thanks. I'm trying to give them up. But I'll smoke a steam engine with pleasure.
Grams	R-class at 70mph; whistles
Seagoon	Ah, they don't make locomotives like that any more!
Grytpype	Now to business. You have a problem with exploding saxophones I hear?
Seagoon	How did you hear about it?
Grytpype	I had a peek at the script before the show started. Now Neddie. Recent studies have shown that recent studies are absolutely meaningless. However, all you have to do to stop your saxophones from exploding is to remove their fuses. That way they won't go off even if you soak them in sulphuric acid for a day and a half.
Seagoon	But my saxophone hasn't got a fuse!
Grytpype	Really? Neddie, have an air conditioned carriage.
Grams	Air conditioner with generator backing; wheels on jointed rails
Grytpype	Now, I can sell you as many saxophone fuses as you like for just tuppence ha'penny, marked down to a guinea. Shall we say a thousand pounds each?
Seagoon	Sold!
Grams	Till
Grytpype	Thank you Neddie. Now any time you want your saxophone not to explode, just take out one of the fuses. When you run out, you can get some more at Moriarty's Saxophone Fuse Shop, corner of Flinders, Collins and Burke Streets, Melbourne. Goodbye!
Grams	Whoosh
Seagoon	Ah, listeners, now I had the answer! All I had to do was take out the fuse, and my saxophone would not explode! Now, to try out my new cure.
Grams & FX	Heap of rubbish dumped on floor. Metallic clanging sounds as if thrown on top of saxophone, all lasting about five seconds.
Seagoon	And it's pronounced:
Grams/FX	Enormous bell or gong struck
Seagoon	And there's more where that came from!
Grams	Explosion
Seagoon	Ahhhh!!! Oh!! It's gone! My saxophone exploded before I could take the fuse out! What shall I do? I know! I'll go to Moriarty's fuse shop and demand my money back. But I can't find my way around Melbourne by myself! Where is my cardboard and string map-reader?
Bluebottle	I heard you call me my capitan. I heard you call meeee. Enter Navigational Bluebottle with Melway, pauses for audience applause, not a sosinge.
Grams	Sausages sizzling at a barbecue. Deep crackling sizzle as if there's too much fat on the hotplate.
Bluebottle	Ah you rotten Australian-type audience you!
Grams	Colossal slapstick
Seagoon	Bluebottle, stop dicing with national pride and find me Melbourne on the maps!
Bluebottle	Yes my capitan I will do that. I will do whatever you say capitan. I am not afraid of the tall buildings. Thinks: what ridiculous irrational fears I don't have. I never get scared half to death. I wonder what happens if I get scared half to death twice?
Seagoon	Get on with it you spotted Boy Scout with Melway. And make sure you don't get in the way of the trams.
Grams	W-class tram accelerating rapidly. Bell ringing.
Bluebottle	Thinks: I wonder what these rails in the road are for? I never see them in London town. I wonder if they are for the people who ride kangaroos? Makes mental note: I must have a kangaroo ride before I go back home. Puts mental note in pocket, promptly forgets where it is. What a memory I have. Thinks: these rails are still here. I never see them in -
Omnes	Look out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grams	W-class tram with brakes hard on. Thump.
Bluebottle	Oh, my nut!
Grams	Explosion
Seagoon	Curse, another saxophone going off. Where's Bluebottle got to?
Bluebottle (muffled)	I'm under this heavy-type tram! I was calmly walking along these rails in the road, when thump-spat! I was runned over by this tram! I don't like this game! Oh, the indignitee! When trams have such a good safety record! Ohhhhhhh!!! Falls unconscious, but revives again immediately as I want to see what goes on.
Eccles	I say, um Bluebottle, what are you doing under dere?
Bluebottle	Help! I've bin run over by this tram! Get me out!
Eccles	Don't worry Bluebottle! I'm sure you'll get used to it. We can't all be clever, you know!
Bluebottle	Eccles, you twit, get me out!
Eccles	Oh, er, all right, um, Bluebottle. Should I call the firemen?
Bluebottle	No, I'm not on fire! I'm just lying terribly injured and dead with pain under this tram! Call the conductor or the Governor-General!
Willium	Tickets please!
Bluebottle	I haven't got a ticket! Just get me out of here!
Willium	You can't ride the tram without a ticket. 50 kilogram fine or three months jail for fare evasion. Now just buy a ticket or I'll have to find a copper.
Bluebottle	Does it only cost a copper? Well, maybe I can ride the tram. Here you are, my good man Mr Tram Conductor. A third-class ticket to Moriarty's Saxophone Fuse Shop please.
Willium	Thank you Mate. Get off at stop number ying tong iddle i po, or if you miss that, jump off and walk to Scrampson Street.
Grams	Tram slowing down, bell
Willium	Ying tong iddle i po! All change for Moriarty's Saxophone Fuse Shop!
Grams	Explosion
Moriarty	Quick, Grytpype, get that explosion out the back before Seagoon hears it!
Grytpype	Don't worry Moriarty, he's half-deaf.
Moriarty	Which half?
Grytpype	The top half. And he doesn't have any ears in his feet. Now get those fake fuses and non-flying boomerangs ready before the Charlie comes in.
FX	Door opens
Seagoon	Is this Moriarty's Saxophone Fuse Shop?
Grytpype	Yes. Here, have a livestock train.
Grams	Sheep bleating, cows bellowing, sheep dogs yapping, wheels on badly jointed rail, S-class engine at notch 8 a few yards away
Seagoon	No thanks, I'm trying to give them up.
Grytpype	Very well then. Mr Seagoon of No Fixed Abode, may I introduce His Most Revolting Highness, the Count Jim "Rattler" 
Grams	Red Rattler accelerating on badly jointed rail
Grytpype	 Moriarty. He is the salesman of this shop.
Moriarty	Can I interest you in some dehydrated water? Unscented perfume, beautifully packaged in an empty bottle? Corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere. And we guarantee a 100% right of return on all sales at this store - both ways. Ah! Here we are. Little round sir, how would you like a boomerang of your very own?
Seagoon	A boomerang? What's that?
Moriarty	It's an aboriginal hunting weapon which flies and returns.
Seagoon	So it comes back to the thrower?
Moriarty	Yes. (sings) My boomerang won't come back etc
Seagoon	Then how is it used as a weapon?
Grytpype	Curse, this man must be a Minister for Defence.
Moriarty	Here, try one out.
Grams	Stick whistling through the air; window smashes
Macgoonigal	Hark! What stick through yonder window breaks?
A false boomerang, thrown by a customer, who shakes;
And that magnificent false boomerang, breaking all glass in its path,
Is supposed to return to the thrower, who is residing in the bath.
However that boomerang, -
Grams	Pistol shot
Macgoonigal	Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
Seagoon	Moriarty, you imposter, that didn't return at all! That boomerang didn't work! I'll take you to court! I'll -
Greenslade	Mr Seagoon, please remember that you're here to buy a saxophone fuse.
Seagoon	Oh, all right. Moriarty, how much are they?
Moriarty	Twenty guineas each.
Seagoon	I'll pay not a penny over 21 quid!
Moriarty	Curse, this man must be a banker. Very well then, twenty-one pounds. Here you are sir. Read the enclosed instructions very carefully before you open it. Do you want it fitted to your saxophone?
Seagoon	No! Then it will explode! Just pull it out and throw it away for me. Thank you. Goodbye!
Moriarty/Grytpype	Evil laughter
Grytpype	Ah Moriarty! What a wonderful idea that was, exploding all the saxophones! With all this lovely filthy money, we can have a wonderful holiday in a slum in Cairns. That's the Australian equivalent to the South of France.
Moriarty/Grytpype	(Sings) April in Cairns (to the tune of April in Pareees)
Greenslade	While Moriarty and Grytpype-Thynne look forward to their luxurious holiday in the slums of Northern Queensland, Seagoon attempts to find out what Bloodnok is finding in his researches.
FX	Knock on door
Bloodnok	Ah!!! Oh!!! Someone's coming! Quick, Gladys, put this out in the bin! And make sure nobody can find it!
Ellington	What is it darling?
Bloodnok	A used chocolate wrapper. Ahem. Now then sir, come in!
Seagoon	Ah Bloodnok. Have you found out why saxophones are exploding?
Bloodnok	Ooooh. Aaah ohhh. Ahhh. etc
Seagoon	Stop ad-libbing! What have you done with all the money I gave you?
Bloodnok	I have it all stored away in a Swiss bank. I'll go and get it. Taxi!
Grams	Explosion
Bloodnok	To Darkest Peru, and step on it.
Grams	Whoosh
Seagoon	And so Major Bloodnok escaped with all the money.
Orchestra	Plaintive violin music (continues under)
Seagoon	Dear listener, my troubles are overwhelming me. I have lost my prize saxophone, I have spent all my money, and the explosions are as rampant as ever. How could I possibly be in any worse trouble?
Bluebottle	Captin 
Seagoon	Shut up lad! As I was saying, nothing could -
Bluebottle	I say captin 
Seagoon	Nothing could put me in worse -
Bluebottle	Captin, stop playing that violin and run for your life!
	Music ends abruptly
Seagoon	What is it, lad?
Bluebottle	The thing that could put you in a worse die-lemma - Ray Ellington is approaching!
FX	Screams, galloping boots
Ray & Orchestra	Music
Greenslade	Well, dear listeners, that was really terrible, but we at the ABC are like cats: we never cry over spilt milk. Now if you will stand on your heads, face the sunrise, clasp a plastic immitation bowling ball in your teeth and wiggle your big toes, you will be able to detect The Dreaded Exploding Saxophones part ninety-eight. Left-handed listeners, by the way, should listen to this announcement in reverse. Thank you.
Willium	Ah Mate. 'Ave you 'eard about the explosions?
Seagoon	Yes mate. Do you know the cause?
Willium	If I were you mate, I'd interview a certain Mr Crun. 'E lives in Sydon-eye.
Bloodnok	Oh, it must be hell up there!
Seagoon	Thank you Mate. Taxi!
Willium	Oh, Mate, you can't hail taxis in Melbourne. Find some other means of transport!
Seagoon	Ah, listeners! What could I do? I had just been ousted from the Windsor Hotel for not paying my bill, the police have moved us on because it is a "No Idiots" Zone, and I have no means of getting around!
Bluebottle	Captin! I have just found a mental note in my pocket. It says, "I must have a kangaroo ride before I go home". Could we ride a kangaroo instead of a taxi?
Seagoon	Well, as they say, "When in Australia, do as the Australians do!" I suppose we could try one out. Little inconspicuous East Finchley boy scout in a foreign country, do you know how one goes about hailing a kangaroo?
Bluebottle	You drop the hard-boiled rain on him from the sky!
Orchestra	Corny chord
Seagoon	I don't wish to know that! Ah, listeners, here comes a vacant kangaroo looking for a client. Kangaroo!
Grams	Explosion
Throat	Where to, Mate?
Seagoon	Just a minute cabby. Bluebottle, run upstairs and see if I left my pyjamas in my hotel room.
FX	One pair galloping boots, receding; coming back at high speed and stopping
Bluebottle (breathless)	Yes, capitan, they're up there.
Seagoon	Right. Cabby, take me to Spencer Street Station!
Throat	Right, Mate.
Grams	Whoosh
Grams/FX?	Steady thump, thump, thump from soft feet on hard road (continues under)
Bluebottle	I say, Eccles, what exactly is a kangaroo?
Eccles	It's um, it's a native Australian marsupial.
Bluebottle	What is a marsupial, Eccles? Did it come from Mars?
Eccles	I don't know, um, Bluebottle. Lets look it up in this copy of Macquarie's Dictionary. Marsupial  Here we are. A marsupial is an animal with a pouch, like a kangaroo.
Bluebottle	And what is a kangaroo?
Eccles	I'll look it up. Ah! It's a native Australian marsupial.
Bluebottle	Is that why it's here in Australia?
Eccles	Um  Nope.
Bluebottle	Then why is it in Australia?
Eccles	Well, it's the symbol of Australia! You can't have the symbol of Australia outside of Australia, Bluebottle.
Bluebottle	Why is it the symbol of Australia, Eccles?
Eccles	Because there aren't any anywhere else!
Orchestra	Chord
Seagoon	Really, listeners. I mean I know people have a right to be stupid, but Eccles really does abuse the privelege. Why, he's so dense light bends around him! Ha ha ahem.
Eccles	I say, Mr Seagoon, that's not fair. I really do not suffer from stupidity. Not a bit.
Seagoon	You don't?
Eccles	No, I enjoy every minute of it! And I'm not a complete idiot either.
Seagoon	You aren't?
Eccles	No, some parts are missing! Aha! Dat reminds me. I say, um, Bluebottle. Did you hear what happened to me last week? I was shut up in prison, with handcuffs on, chained to the wall, and behind a solid steel door with an enormous lock. So I manoeuvred my big toe into the keyhole, and pushed real hard, and soon, SNAP!
Bluebottle	You broke the lock?
Eccles	No, I broke my big toe! And when I get back, dis carpenter he says, 'Eccles, you're hammering those nails in like lightning!'
Bluebottle	Did that mean you were fast?
Eccles	No, I never struck in the same place twice!
Seagoon	Shut up Eccles! Bluebottle, where are we?
Bluebottle	We're just coming up to the corner of um  Um  Oh yes, I can see the street signs. It's the corner of Walk and Don't Walk!
Seagoon	You useless idle apology for a navigator! Ah, but I know where we are: Spencer Street Station. I recognize it by the railway it services.
Grams	Kangaroo hops slowing down (continues under)
Seagoon	Ah, the Kangaroo is slowing down. He must be tired. And listeners, as we all know very well, a tired kangaroo is out of bounds!
Eccles	We don't wish to know that!
Grams	Kangaroo stops.
Throat	Five dollars seventeen mate.
Seagoon	Here you are, an imitation forgery of a Monopoly one dollar note. Keep the change.
Grams	Till
Seagoon	Right. Now just help me make sure we haven't left anything behind. Bluebottle, empty your pockets. What have we got here? One full-scale cardboard model of Mount Bogong  three thousand maps of the crocodile-infested swamps in the Top End  one instant inflatable Rialto Tower  one long twisted thing with holes in both ends  one instant eight-lane Princes Highway, just add water  three NAAFI pianos with collapsible players  five immigrant needle nardle noos  Right. Pack that lot back into your pocket and drive a steam-roller over it. Now, to catch the XPT and find Sydney!
Greenslade (muffled)	The train now standing on platform 2 is the CountryLink XPT service to Sydney, stopping at Benalla, Wangaratta, Albury, and a whole bunch of places which don't matter because they're in New South Wales. This train is now departing. Stand clear please.
Grams	XPT horn; Paxman Valenta engine revving up; fades into distance
Seagoon	Curse, I should have been on that one!
Crun	Ah, you can't get the tickets, you know. Are you Ned Seagoon?
Seagoon	Yes I am, I -
Minnie	No I'm Minnie Bannister!
Crun	Drat that modern melody woman! Min, Min, what are you doing on Platform 2 of Spencer Street Station, in Melbourne, dual-gauged for interstate trains?
Minnie	I'm not dual-gauged, cocky. The track's dual-gauged.
Crun	I didn't say you were dual-gauged, Min. I didn't say you were. I said that the platform was dual-gauged! The platform, Min!
Minnie	Then why didn't you say so in the first place, buddy?
Crun	I did say so in the first place, Min. I said Platform 2 of Spencer Street Station, in Melbourne, dual-gauged for interstate trains!
Minnie	Why is it dual-gauged, Henery?
Crun	So that trains from Sydney can come here, Min.
Minnie	Ohhh, we'll all be murdered on our bogies! Why does it have to be dual-gauged, Henery?
Crun	Ask a railwayman, I've no idea.
Minnie	See here, Mr Railwayman. Why is this platform dual-gauged?
Ray	I don't know ma'am, it was already done when I arrived.
Minnie	Henery, he won't tell me!
Crun	Now, Mr Railwayman. Please can you tell us why this platform is dual-gauged? Can you tell us? Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan youuuuuuuuuu -
Seagoon	Mr Crun! MR CRUN! Will you please stop digging up the past accidents of Australian history! Now, how did you get here?
Crun	I stowed away on the XPT there. They let me on when I bribed them with a full fare ticket.
Greenslade	Not a pretty sight, dear listener!
Crun	Now sir, did you want to see me?
Seagoon	Yes! It's about these explosions. Do you know what causes them?
Crun	Ah yes, the explosions. I was talking to Mr Grytpype-Thynne and he said it was because of Footo! The Wonder Boot Exploder!
Seagoon	What? That's not what he told me. Maybe  he knows something!
Grytpype	Of course I do: One plus two is er  is er 
Crun	Needle Nardle Noo.
Seagoon	Now then, Mr Thynne, what do you know about saxophone explosions?
Grytpype	Only this:
Grams	Explosion
Seagoon	I don't wish to know that!
Grytpype	Wait! Why is that piano wearing a short-sleeved shirt?
Seagoon	He's supporting his right to bear arms!
Greenslade	That piano is none other than Major Dennis Bloodnok, Distinguished Service Explosion, Coward and Bar, previously of the Fifth Disgusting Spon Battalion, now abiding in Old Mebourne Gaol.
Grytpype	Then why does he look like a piano?
Seagoon	He fell into a piano factory by mistake.
Moriarty	What was he doing there?
Bloodnok	Mind your own business!
Seagoon	There's something funny about that piano factory. I think we must visit it! Taxi!
Grams	Explosion
Bluebottle	Where to, mate?
Seagoon	The Queen Victoria Market Piano factory, and step on it please.
Bluebottle	So saying he pointed to a foot-operated tyre pump. And so I pumped the taxi all the way to the piano factory. Nineteen dollars twenty-four, plus GST and a fat tip if you please.
Seagoon	Ah, a Peter Costello-ite economist!
Grams	Till
Seagoon	Now, for the factory. Eccles! Find me the front door.
Eccles	Ooooh, der hard ones first, eh? Um er  Here it is Mr Seagoon! Facing right onto the road!
Seagoon	Ah, Eccles, you should have been an architect!
Eccles	Oooooh. I couldn't have been an architect, I've got too much up here.
Seagoon	Too much up there?
Eccles	Yer, my teacher said I'm thick-headed!
Omnes	Corny chord
Grytpype	Don't worry folks, we're nearly finished. All pay-offs will be gratefully received.
Greenslade	Is this the Queen Victoria Market Piano Factory?
Jim Spriggs	Yes Jiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim!
Greenslade	Then it must be time for Part the hairy one and a half, in which Seagoon arrives at the bottom of the mystery.
Grytpype	Ah Seagoon, have a diesel locomotive.
Grams	G-class at notch eight
Grytpype	Now, if you'll climb down this ladder, into this slimy gasometer full of poisonous chemicals, you'll arrive at the bottom of the mystery. Be careful, the rungs are a little slippery.
Greenslade	Listeners who can see what's coming will please keep their traps shut. (musing) If this was on television, we'd have to pay for a stuntman!
Grams	Careful stepping on echoing metal ladder (continues under)
Grytpype/Moriarty	Evil laughter
Grytpype	Curiosity killed the cat, Moriarty! Shall we get the dog next?
Grams	Slip on grease; Seagoon screams; jelly splosh in face
Little Jim	He's fallen in the water!
Grytpype	Yes, Little Jim, but it's politically correct these days to say that he's "aquatically challenged".
Orchestra	Corny politically correct chord
Seagoon (muffled)	Aha, dear listeners. It was dark inside this gasometer full of slimy poisonous chemical water, but by switching on my solar-powered floodlight I could see the bottom of the mystery. Major Bloodnok was calmly attaching fuses to every Saxophone in Australia! As quickly as I could I swam to the surface. Heeeeeeeeeelp! Call the police! I've solved the mystery! I'll be famous! I've solved the mystery of the exploding saxophones! (sings) For He's a Jolly Good Felllllllloooooooowwwwww 
Grytpype	You silly, twisted boy, you!
Seagoon	Arrest that Grytpype Thynne-type man! Moriarty, don't move! This slime is loaded with a live round!
Moriarty	You fool, Seagoon, that slime can never hurt me!
Grams	Slimy slapstick
Moriarty	Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
FX	Police whistle
Bluebottle	Enter Constable Bluebottle, pauses for audience barbecue, not a snagger. Thinks: something tells me I've done this already. Oh well, go 'long beddybyes.
Seagoon	Constable, don't go! I've solved the mystery of the Dreaded Exploding Saxophones! I know what makes them explode!
Bluebottle	What? Are you sure capitan?
Seagoon	Quite sure. I know all about it! I've seen everything!
Bluebottle	Then you must be the villain! I arrest you in the name of the law!
Seagoon	What what what? You can't do this to me! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp! (fades under)
Playout	Total running time: approx 26 mins without music

Running time:
Before Max:	3:27
Max->Ray:	9:48
Ray->playout:	12:49
Total:	26:04 without music