The Dread London Fog
by Matthew Jenkin


	Inspector Neddie Seagoon
	Major Bloodnok
	Little Jim
	Jim Spriggs


BILL: This is the BBC

FX: Splat!

BILL: Oh dear.

PETER: Looks like it's another pea-souper.

ORCH: Dramatic chord

BILL: Ladies, Gentlemen and Eccles

ECCLES: What is it, my good man?

BILL: We present a tale of Victorian England entitled...

PETER: The Dread London Frog!

ORCH: Dramatic chords, slows, fades under following

HARRY: Wait a minute, whoa there. Don't you mean 'fog'?

PETER: No, it definitely says 'frog' here.

SPIKE: I never wrote that!

ALL: Argue - fades

BILL: And so, thanks to a typing error, we come to The Dread London Frog, part the quodge.

ORCH: Moody Chords

SEAGOON: My name is Inspector Neddie Seagoon. I come from a respectable, middle-class family;
 my father was a dustman until the accident...

MORIARTY: (interrupting) Sapristi Balloons! We haven't got time for your family history!
 You insufferable english pig...

GRYTPYPE: Settle, settle, steaming frenchman. Now Neddie, there's been a change of plan.

SEAGOON: What what what what what?

GRYTPYPE: (pause) Never mind, you'll recover. It seems that due to a clerical error,
 this Goon Show has been misannounced.

SEAGOON: You mean it's not 'The Dread London Fog'?

GRYTPYPE: No. Instead are faced with the prospect of 'The Dread London FROG'.

SEAGOON: (gulp) What can we do?

GRYTPYPE: Well, it's quite simple my dear chap, quite simple. We just find out who
 mistyped the scripts and then we can get on with the show.

SEAGOON: Of course! I'll start at once! This is a job for Scotland Yard!

FX: Wooosh

GRYTPYPE: There goes our Charlie. Now, Moriarty...where are you you hairy frenchman?

MORIARTY: (off) I've finished my lines!

GRYTPYPE: You idiot! This is no time to be following the script! Now come with me...

BILL: Meanwhile at Scotland Yard:

ORCH: Bloodnok theme (with explosions)

BLOODNOK: Aiouegh! Those blasted pigeons! Now, where were we?

FX: Knocking

BLOODNOK: Arrgh! Quick, darling, get in the filing cabinet!


BLOODNOK: Come in!

FX: Door opens and closes

SEAGOON: Major Bloodnok! Something terrible has happened to our Goon Show!

BLOODNOK: I haven't seen the ledgers since Tuesday!

SEAGOON: Someone has...what?

BLOODNOK: All the expenses have been entered correctly I tell you!

SEAGOON: Never mind that, Major, someone has mistyped our title!

BLOODNOK: You don't mean...


BLOODNOK: So that croaking wasn't coming from the House of Commons!

SEAGOON: They don't wish to know that!

BLOODNOK: We'll get on it right away! Eccles!

FX: Drawer opens

ECCLES: Yer, Major?

BLOODNOK: Spread the word to all the men while we listen to Max Geldray!


FX: Door opens and shuts

SEAGOON: I say, Bloodnok, are you sure that man's reliable?

BLOODNOK: (splutters) Reliable! Eccles?! Of course not!

SEAGOON: Then why use him?

BLOODNOK: I was paid well by a gentleman claiming to be Eccles' trainer.


BILL: Ladies and Gentlemen. Since this Goon Show is no longer following the script,
 there doesn't seem to be much point in me staying here. Goodnight...

SEAGOON: Wait! Stop there Wal, you're a suspect you know!

BILL: Don't be ridiculous!

SEAGOON: Oh no? You own a typewriter, don't you? Where's my Assistant?

BLUEBOTTLE: I am here, capitan! Signals applause!

FX: Boot hitting Bluebottle

BLUEBOTTLE: You ungrateful swine audience! I came here specially to perform for you,
 and you nut me!

SEAGOON: Never mind that, little knotted string, arrest that man!

BLUEBOTTLE: What man, capitan?

SEAGOON: He's got away! After him!

FX: Running feet into distance

FX: Long silence

GRYTPYPE: Are you alone, Moriarty?

MORIARTY: No! You're here with me!

GRYTPYPE: I don't wish to know that! Now, where is that typewriter?

MORIARTY: I've got it here!

GRYTPYPE: Right, tie it to something heavy, and throw it into the river.

MORIARTY: Tie to something heavy, tie to something heavy...aha!

FX: Rope noises

MORIARTY: There! Now hup!

FX: Small splash. Sound of coil of rope rapidly being pulled elsewhere

SEAGOON: Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!

FX: Very large splash

LITTLE JIM: He's fallen in the water!

BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, it's Lintle Jim. Where did my capitan go?

LITTLE JIM: He falled in the water.

BLUEBOTTLE: Oh. Thinks - this could mean promotion for me. Yeu he he he!
 Maybe now Molly Quats will pay attention to me; women can't resist a man in uniform.
 Yeu he he he he he he!

BLOODNOK: You dirty little cardboard fool, you!

BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, it's Majner Bloodnock. Springes to cardboard attention!
 Springe! Oooh, my back!

BLOODNOK: I say, hide this bag in my car, will you? I shouldn't be seen with it.
 Aeiough! (leaves)

BLUEBOTTLE: Rightho, Major. I will hid it like wot I have been asked to do.
 I will not fail in my duty...

RAY: Man, hurry up! The sooner I do my number, the sooner I can leave.

BLUEBOTTLE: Yueueueueu! It's Ray Illingtong! Don't come near me!

FX: Woooosh


BLOODNOK: That was rather early wasn't it?

RAY: Hey, if we're not following the script, I can play when I want to, man!

BILL: Meanwhile in a small office in Nelson's Column...

FX: Typing (continues under following)


MINNIE: What is it, buddy?

CRUN: Why are we still working in this office, Min?

MINNIE: Because it's in the script, Henry, you know that.

CRUN: Yes, I suppose so, you've got to have the documents.

MINNIE: Yes, I said that to that nice man that came in this morning.

CRUN:! What man?

MINNIE: He came in this morning, buddy. He wanted to borrow the typewriter.

CRUN: Sinful woman! Letting a man use your typewriter!

MINNIE: I let you use my typewriter, buddy.

CRUN: What's that got to do with it?

MINNIE: You're a man, Henry!

CRUN: What! And you've been working with me all these years! You sinful woman!

BOTH: Argue (fades)

ORCH: Bored chord

SEAGOON: When I got out of the river, I found a suspicious set of footprints nearby.

BILL: Seagoon followed them like a bloodhound!

ECCLES: On all fours! Ha ha ho...

FX: Gunshot


SEAGOON: He thought he'd given me the slip by going straight up the side of a building,
 but I found the trail again on the other side! Then, I saw who had left the footprints!
 It was a tall, poorly fitted man with his shirt untucked.

ECCLES: (sings) I'm walking backwards for Christmas...

SEAGOON: Hold it right there!

ECCLES: Hallo!

SEAGOON: Eccles! Are these your footprints?

ECCLES: Yer, do you want some?

SEAGOON: No thanks - they give me a headache, but tell me -
 why have you got your boots on upside-down?

ECCLES: Oooooo. No wonder my feet hurt!

BLOODNOK: (approaching) This is no good, Seagoon! If we don't find the culprit soon,
 we'll go overtime!

SEAGOON: Then we'll have to buy more brandy for the actors! Quick!

FX: Two woooshes

ECCLES: (sings) Lai dum lackadai...

BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, hello Encles.

ECCLES: Hallo 'Bottle.

BLUEBOTTLE: Encles, would you like to play a game?


BLUEBOTTLE: This game is called 'Help Blunebontle carry a dirty big bagful of money'!

ECCLES: Fine fine fine...

BLUEBOTTLE: Let me put it on your back...

FX: Straining bedsprings

ECCLES: (with above) Oooaooowwooaooa

BLUEBOTTLE: Now, follow me. We're going to Bermuda! Yeuhehehehe! I like dis game!

ECCLES: Ooooo...I'll have to get some long underwear! (fades)

FX: Approaching feet

SEAGOON: Wait! Look there! A suspicious lamppost!

BLOODNOK: How can you tell? It's giving off a good light.

SEAGOON: But it's the middle of the day!

BLOODNOK: Good heavens, you're right! Make a note of that.

THROAT: Right. Anything else?


THROAT: Right.

SEAGOON: We don't have time for this! We have to search that lamppost!

FX: Knocking on lamppost. Creak of oaken door

GRYTPYPE: What is!

SEAGOON: Grytpype! So you're the one who changed the script!

MORIARTY: Sapristi Lamppost! How did you find us?

SEAGOON: You left your lights on.

GRYTPYPE: Moriarty, you fool! I told you this wasn't the time to cook dinner!

MORIARTY: But Grytpype, if I leave this ice cube any longer, it'll melt!

GRYTPYPE: Silence, steaming count. Now Neddie, here's a reward for finding us.
 Close your eyes...

FX: Wallop

SEAGOON: Aowwwww!

GRYTPYPE: Run for it, Moriarty!

FX: Two wooshes. Pause. Approaching feet

MORIARTY: He's just been 'Ow'!

FX: Wooosh

SEAGOON: Tricked! What now?

BLOODNOK: Are you hungry? Assuming there are times when you're not...


BLOODNOK: Then I'll go and find us some dinner...(leaves)

BILL: Well, I guess it's just me in the studio now. The orchestra seem to have left,
 and quite frankly, I don't blame them.

FX: Wallop

BILL: Oooaoowowoaooaow! I fall prone to the floor. Oooooo.

FX: Raspberries (during above)

MORIARTY: He's been 'Ow'..

GRYTPYPE: Silence, heavily-oiled french...


GRYTPYPE: Thank you. Now, open the safe.

MORIARTY: Right! I'll just get my stethoscope!

FX: Sound of dial being turned, tumblers. Safe door opens.


GRYTPYPE: You idiot, that's the fireplace!

MORIARTY: Ooooowwwww.

GRYTPYPE: Never mind, never mind. Climb into this keyhole.

FX: Squeek

MORIARTY: (with above) Hup...ahh.

GRYTPYPE: Now have a nice rest, and enjoy this licorice...(leaves)

MORIARTY: (Smacks lips, munching etc) Mmmmm...

FX: Explosion

MORIARTY: Owwooi-type-owww!

GRYTPYPE: There there, you're knees will be back in no time. Now...

FX: Safe door opens

GRYTPYPE: Moriarty! The money's gone!

MORIARTY: Look! A note.

GRYTPYPE: Read it.

MORIARTY: It says...

BLOODNOK: (pre-recorded) Aeiough! Goodbye! No more dangerous episodes for me!

GRYTPYPE: After him!

FX: Two wooshes

BLOODNOK: Here, Seagoon, I've got us some dinner!

SEAGOON: Jolly good! What?

BLOODNOK: Do you like frogs' legs?

SPIKE: So much for the 'Dread London Frog'...

MORIARTY: Sapristi! You make a joke of my national dish!

SPIKE: I've made a joke of just about everything else...

MORIARTY: I must restore French honour! Take that!

FX: Gunshot

SPIKE: You swine! I wrote you! Just for that!

FX: Typewriter

SPIKE: Moriarty looked up and...

FX: Descending whistle

MORIARTY: Aooowww!

FX: Heavy thud

GRYTPYPE: Oh dear, it's happened again. And he had just been...

MORIARTY: (very muffled and weak) Ow.

GRYTPYPE: ...too. Now! Hands up!

BLOODNOK: Aeiough!

SEAGOON: What do you want now?

GRYTPYPE: The money from the BBC safe!

BLOODNOK: It's a lie! I never took it!

SEAGOON: So that's why you changed the script!

GRYTPYPE: Yes, it was the only way to get you all out of the studio. Now, hand it over!

BLOODNOK: Alright. It's in my car. Bluebottle put it there for me.

FX: Car door


SEAGOON: So where's the money?

BILL: Meanwhile, in a holiday resort in Bermuda...

BLUEBOTTLE: I like dis game, don't you Encles!

ECCLES: Yer, it's fine fine...fine.

ORCH: Crazy Rythym playout

BILL: That was a Goon Show writted by Matthew Jenkin, and starring nobody as it's never
 been performed. Actually making it could be a problem, as at least two of the performers
 are deceased, and the rest are all pensioners. Nevertheless, thank you for listening.

SEAGOON: An ending! Hooray!

BILL: Wait a moment, little nurk.

ORCH Music slows to a halt

BILL: While I'm sure the listeners share your sentiments,
 there are still one or two things to be cleared up...

SEAGOON: Such as?

FX: Explosion

BLUEBOTTLE: You rotten swine you! Just when I was winning for a change!
 You're lucky I even came here, I got nutted by the audience and now you blow me up!
 I was lying on a beach...

SEAGOON: Shut up!


FX: Gunshot

BLUEBOTTLE: You swine-capitan you! Sulks.

SEAGOON: Now, what else has to be done Wal?

FX: Sirens

JIM: (policeman) Hands up! I arrest you for stealing the BBC's money!

SEAGOON: No, it was Bloodnok! No, wait, it was Grytpype and Moriarty!
 No, no, it was Bluebottle and Eccles!

JIM: (policeman) A likely story! Come with me Jim. (with me Jiiim...)

SEAGOON: Aaaahhhhhh!

(fades into music)