The Case of the Missing Goon Show
by David Bromage 1986, 2004

Wal This is the BBC.

Orchestra Wild music

Wal Stop that! Stop, this isn't Happydrome.

Ned Well everybody's got to shave, except...

Wal And this isn't the Palladium either.

Ned You're just jealous.

Wal Oh shut up, you greasy Welsh bubble. I have my duties to perform. 
  Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me no pleasure at all to present the Goon 

Eccles Fine, fine fine.

FX Gunshot

Eccles OOWWW! Thankyou.

Wal Yes, the Goon Show part 1, in which we see....

FX Rustling of papers

Wal Wait a minute, where is part 1? I can't find it.

Grytpype Excuse me, Mr Greenslade. But I'm afraid part 1 is missing.

Orchestra dramatic chords

Wal What? Part 1 is missing?

Grytpype Yes, we sold it to the ITA.

Moriarty And got.... MONEY! Oh, lovely moolah. All two and six of it.

Wal What? You stole the Goon Show and sold it? I'm afraid I shall have to 
   report this to John Snagge.

Grytpype We sold him to the Labour Exchange.

Ned How much did you get for him?

Grytpype Nothing, we had to give him away. They said we were asking too 
    much for a Charlie of that character.

Ned How much were you asking?

Grytpype Fourpence.

Ned Enough of this needle nardle noo. Let's move on to part 2. Wal?

FX Rustling of papers

Wal I'm afraid I can't find part 2 either.

Grytpype We sold it to the ITA. We sold the whole script.

Ned Then I'll have to run over there and buy it back. Anybody coming with me?

Wal Not likely, I might catch something.

Ned Then I shall go alone. Farewell!

GRAMS Feet running into distance.

Wal Ladies and gentlemen, in the absence of a script I shall ad lib my
   announcements as events unfold. We now see... Ned Seagoon running.... up 
   to the doors of the ITA.... where he is met.... by a doorman.

Willium Yes, mate?

Ned I seek an audience with the Program Director of the ITA.

Willium 'Ave you got an appointment, mate?

Ned No, but I have three OBEs and an IOU.

Willium Right, mate. This way.

GRAMS Two pairs of feet walking through corridor.

Willium 'Ere we are. Room 303, mate.

FX Door rattle.

Ned; Curse, it's locked.

Willium Yeah, we 'ad to lock it 'cos Sabrina is in there.

FX Door crash, woman screams.

Ned Oh, I'm terribly sorry sir. I, er....

Lew Cash Oooohhh, look at the door, all ruined! It makes you spit! Who are you?

Ned I am Ned Seagoon, late of Harlech Television and leek taster by 
   appointment to the BBC.

Lew You've 'ad it bad, 'aven't you?

Ned Yes. (sob) I didn't really want to work for the BBC. But Milligan 
   forced me into it. (sob) I really wanted to be a flamenco dancer.

Lew Ooohh, don't start all that. You'll ruin the carpet. 'Ere, blow your nose.

GRAMS Elephant trumpeting

Lew My life, he's always doing that. What did you want?

Ned I want to buy back the Goon Show.

Lew No way, schlapper. I paid good money for it. All 2/6 of it.

Ned I'll offer you 2/7.

Lew No.

Ned Three shillings.

Lew No.

Ned Five shillings and a free copy of the Radio Times.

Lew Forget it, I'm not interested. Now go, I've got a lot of work to do. I 
   have to think up a new series with "love" in the title.

Ned This was bad news for the BBC, dear listeners. I had to decide what to 
   do next. Mr Geldray, some thinking music.

Max and orchestra music

Max Thankyou friends of the Conks Anonymous Club.

Wal While Mr Geldray was playing out his Will, Neddie has decided what to do.

Ned Yes, I had decided I could not leave the Goon Show. So I.....

FX; Telephone dialing

Peter (female voice, pre rec) Hello BBC. What department, please?

Ned Employment office.

Peter One moment, please.

Jim Spriggs (pre rec) Hello Jim. This is the employment office, Jim. What 
   do you want, Jim?

Ned This is Neddie Seagoon.

Jim (pre rec) Not old "Labour Exchange" Seagoon?

Ned One and the same.

Jim (pre rec) You better come around. I need to speak to you, Jim.

FX knock knock, Door opening.

Ned Here I am.

Jim What took you so long, Jim?

Ned I was caught in traffic.

Jim A likely story. Now, Jim, the Big Jims of the BBC have decided to give 
   you a sixpenny raise.

Ned That would have brought my salary up to three shillings per month, if I 
   wasn't resigning from the BBC.

Jim Gasp! That's too good to be true, Jim! (euphoric screams into distance)  
   Hooray! Hooray, Jim!

Ned He took that rather well.

Orchestra musical interlude

Wal And with that, Ned went back to the ITA to talk to the Board of Governor.

FX Door opening.

Ned I wish to see the Governor of the ITA.

Minnie You'll have to wait, buddy. He's washing a savage tiger.

Ned This cannot wait.

Minnie That's what Sabrina said. One moment, buddy.

FX Buzzing

Minnie Henry, there's a modern-type man here to see you.

Henry (pre rec) Just wait until I put my trousers on and send him in. And 
   tell him to wipe his feet.

Minnie Okay, buddy. You'll have to wait for him to put his trousers on and 
   then you can go in.

Silence for a while, then snoring.

Minnie You can go in now.

Ned (waking up) Er.. I... thankyou.

FX Door opening

Henry Mnk... mnk... ahhh.... come in.

Ned I am in.

Henry Did you wipe your feet?

Ned Curses I forgot.

Henry Well there's a mat over there by my saxophone. Wipe them on that.

FX Feet scraping on mat

Bluebottle Dee hee! You rotten swine, you! Get your feet off my nut!

Ned What are you doing there, you jam stained twit?

Bluebottle Do not call me a twit! Do you know who I am?

Ned No.

Bluebottle Well den, I am Clark Bottle of 17 Cringing Avenue, East Finchley.
   Ace reporter for the Finchley Mothers Crossword Extravaganza. Also known 
   as Superbottle! I fight for truth, justice and free dolly mixtures for all.

Ned What are you doing disguised as a door mat?

Bluebottle I was under cover to solve all the crime in Finchley. Did you 
   know that young Sprotley's conker was stolen last week?

Ned Then why are you looking in the offices of the ITA?

Bluebottle You have to start somewhere.

Ned Move, or I'll fetch you one.

Bluebottle Do not shout at me or I will set my fierce super dog on you.

Eccles Bark! Bark! Growl, woof! I'll bite you! I'll bite! up, I'll bite you 
   dat's what. Yup, yup. I'll bite.

Ned Shut up, Eccles!

Eccles Shut up, Eccles! Don't you say shut up to me.

Ned Take that

FX Two gunshots

Ned Curse, missed.

Eccles Oh, well I'll clear off then.

Bluebottle No, come back! (into distance) Come back you rotten swine doggy

Ned That's got rid of him.

Henry Did you want to see me?

Ned Yes.

Henry Well have a seat then.

Ned I'd rather stand.

Henry That's good because we haven't got any seats. We can't get any 
   chairs. You can't get the wood, you know. Now what did you want?

Ned I understand that you were sold the script to the Goon Show by two 
   fiendish idiots called Moriarty and Thynne.

Henry How dare you call my friends idiots.

FX muffled knocking

Grytpype (muffled) Crun, can we come out now?

Moriarty (muffled) Yes, it's getting hot in this sock.

Ned Mr Crun, how can you stoop so low as to keep to poor down and outs in a 
   reeking second hand sock in the mating season?

Henry Well all I had to do was hit them with one of Min's Christmas 
   puddings and stuff them in.

Minnie Just a minute, buddy! My cooking isn't that bad.

Henry Well, you know what happened to Uncle Oscar when he ate that 
   shepherds pie.

Minnie Oh.

Ned Tell me, what did happen to to Uncle Oscar when he ate the shepherds pie?

Henry He choked on a shepherd.

Minnie I don't have to take that from you, buddy!

Henry Says who, buddy?

Minnie Says me, buddy.

Henry And who are you, buddy?

Minnie I'm....  I'm.....

Henry Minnie Bannister.

Minnie Yes, I'm Minnie Bannister. Who are you?

Henry I'm ummm..... I'm....

Ned Queen Victoria.

Henry Yes, I'm Queen Victoria.

Ned Then one of those gentlemen in the sock must be Henry Crun.

Grytpype (muffled) It's not me. I must be Bluebottle.

Minnie Then you are you, Mr Seagoon?

Ned I'm... ummmm.... I'm John Snagge.

John Snagge Then I must be Eccles.

Ned Shut up, Eccles!

ALL Arguing into background

Wal While they are trying to sort out their names, Ray Ellington will sing
   from a reclining position.

Ray Ellington Quartet music

Wal While Mr Ellington was singing that song, which I thought was rather 
   good, Ned went to see the one man who could recover the missing script.

Orchestra Bloodnok theme

GRAMS Bloodnok explosions

Bloodnok Ooouuughghghgg! Aaahahahahahah! That's the last time I eat at the 
   BBC canteen. Now, who are you sir?

Ned My name is Ned Seagoon, or possibly John Snagge.

Bloodnok Do I owe either of you money?

Ned No.

Bloodnok Then I'm pleased to meet you, Mr Seagoon. Bloodnok's the name. 
   Major Denis Bloodnok of the 3rd Regiment of Foot and Mouth. Cheques and 
   postal orders only. What can I do for you?

Ned Major, I need you and your regiment to recover a stolen Goon Show 
   script from the ITA. I can offer you five shillings and a free copy of 
   the Radio Times.

Bloodnok Anything for England, lad. I'll just get the regiment together and 
   meet you at the ITA. We attack at dawn.

Orchestra Change of scene music

GRAMS Rooster crowing

Wal As Bloodnok's regiment ate the only rooster in London for breakfast, 
   Ned prepared his camoflage for the attack on the ITA.

Ned Just a touch there.... and another touch there....

Bloodnok You with the purple wig and the big red nose, get down out of 
   sight! Do you want your agent to see you like that?

Ned Well the Quartermaster didn't have any real camoflage paint. He said 
   somebody had sold it all.

Bloodnok Humph! Err... umm..... well it's time for the attack now. A 
   Company to the centre, B Company to the flank, C Company to protect the.. 
   umm... Regimental stores in my staff car. Fix bayonets! CHARGE!

GRAMS Bugle sounding the charge, shouts of soldiers storming the building.

Bloodnok Break down that door!

FX Door crashing

Woman screams

Bloodnok I'm terrible sorry, madam. Get her out the back....

Tommy Major, we've found the script.

Ned Hooray! The missing Goon Show script.

Bloodnok Well done, lads. And who are these two?

Tommy Prisoners, sir. The cowards were hiding in a sock.

Grytpype Get your hands off me, you swine.

Moriarty Yes. You'll break my twinge.

Ned It will the the Tower of London for you two.

Grytpype Perhaps not.

Ned What do you mean?

Grytpype Eccles, look at the script. Page 5.

Eccles What what what?

Grytpype Your line in your new capacity as a policeman.

Eccles Oooo... Ahem. In my new capacity as a copper I saw to Seagoon 
   You..... are..... under..... arrest.

Ned Arrested? What for?

Grytpype For possession of a stolen Goon Show.

Ned But I haven't got one.

Grytpype Then what is that in your hand?

Ned It's... a script. And it says... "The Goon Show".

Grytpype That to me looks, feels and tastes like the missing Goon Show. The 
   finger of guilt points to you! And it carries a fine of 5 pounds to be 
   paid in 10 pound notes.

Ned But I haven't got 5 pounds in 10 pound notes.

Grytpype Then it's off to Dartmoor for you!

Ned No! Anything but that!

Grytpype Then hand back your OBE.

Wal And that is the story of how Ned Seagoon lost his OBE.

Orchestra End of story music

Wal Before the signature tune, the lad Bluebottle would like to make a 
   brief announcement.

Bluebottle Hello everybody. I was not deaded this week!

FX Gunshot

Bluebottle You rotten swine you!

Orchestra Old Comrades march