From: russells eccles ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz (Russell Street)
Subject: A new and mostly original GS script! ....
Reply-To: firstname.lastname@example.org (Russell Street)
Organization: University of Auckland, New Zealand.
Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1993 03:28:22 GMT
Below is a Goon Show that I wrote. Comments, critism and small
unmarked bills are accepted.
Russell Street (email@example.com)
"I may not say much,
-- but what I do say don't make much sense!"
(Intelligence Officer Eccles)
'Bread and Marmalade', by Russell Street (firstname.lastname@example.org).
with suggestions from David Bromage.
Permission to freely distribute this as long as my name is not
removed, you don't try to make any money from it and all the usual
Wallace Greenslade: Wal, announcer playing himself
Peter Sellers: Bb -- Bluebottle,
Crun -- Henry Crun
GTT -- Hercules Grypetype Thyne
William -- William Mate
Spike Milligan: Eccles
Min -- Minnie Banister
Harry Secombe: Neddie
Wal: This is the BBC
Bluebottle: Eh! What was that!
Wal: Blast -- missed.
Neddie: Now now, Mr Greenslade. That is no way to blow up young
Bluebottle. You do it like this!
fx: long and loud explosion + cries of Bluebottle being dead-ed
Bb: You wrotten swines...
Wal: This would be a good time to mention that tonight's program is...
William: Bread and jam, mate
Wal: ... which is presented as a substitute for entertainment..
fx: fade in static on wireless
John Snagge: ... the minister said they were just good
friends. And finally in the entertainment news, it was rumoured that
Mr Spike Milligna -- well known writing-type author and tax avoider --
paid the BBC the sum of #30,000 for not broadcasting a recently
discovered Goon Show. A BBC spokesman said the tape had been found
behind a wall panel in Broadcasting House. When asked, Mr Milligna
Spike: 'If you don't get that microphone out of my face I
fx: radio popping off
GTT: You hear that, Moriarity? We've come back to haunt him.
Morarity: Owwww ...
GTT: And again...
GTT: Very good, but keep it under control we may need it to pay for the
fx: knock at the door
GTT: Answer that Moriarity, while I put my iron my false teeth.
fx: knock at the door, nearly identical to the first one
GTT: Very clever -- now see who is at the door
fx: Door creaking open
Neddie: Good morning! May I ...
fx: Door slamming shut
GTT: Who was it?
Morarity: Blast! I knew I forgot something
fx: knock at the door -- more determined this time
fx: Door opening
GTT: Come in, little Charlie and warm yourself by this bust of Queen
Neddie: Thank you. May I interest you
interest you in a fine recording of a wondrous new singer? Just let
me play you a sample on my portable all-leather, hand-operated
electric type gramaphone and teeth sharpener.
grams: Prototypical Secombe recording for about 5 seconds then needle
scratching record sound
GTT: Oh dear. Is the popularity waning?
Neddie: Please by this record, please? I'm starving and haven't had any for
seven hours. I haven't had any food for four hours, neither. I am so hungry
I could eat a house.
Morarity: You mean a horse...
Neddie: So I do. This script is difficult to read.
Morarity: You think you have problems: I had to write it...
GTT: You've been at the brandy again, haven't you..
Geldgray: No he hasn't -- I ain't on for another three minutes!
Neddie: what, what, what, what, what, what, what...
GTT: Please, not in a built-up area
Neddie: Two down, eight to go
GTT: Morarity, this little Charlies' adlibbing has
given be a brilliant idea. Go down into the cellar and fetch me a
brick, while I find a loaf of bread. Step outside
for a moment while my partner and I talk buiszzz.
Neddie: But he just went down to the cellar
GTT: It's our office -- we never take work home with us
Neddie: Right ho
fx: sound of Neddie leaving room with accompanying strange noises, door
shutting (all to make this next line funny)
GTT: I do wish he wouldn't do that...
Morarity: Right. One brick. What are you going to do with it?
GTT: If our highly steamed author is prepared to pay so highly for us
not to be bought back to life, imagine what others would pay for their
recordings not to be found.
Come in, Charlie
fx: Door opening, Neddie coming back into room with the same sort of
noises as before, door closing
GTT: We must get him fixed.
Neddie: My name is not Charlie, it's Neddie Seagoon folks
For he's a golly good fellowwww -- and so say all of us!!
fx: Dead silence
GTT: You silly twisted boy
Morarity: Three down, seven to go
GTT: Listen, Neddie. Allow me to introduce ourselves. I am Hercules GTT
draughter of no fixed brew, and jam shaluterer to the lost causes of yenom,
and this is my business partner Count Jim 'Logarthims' Morarity, ... We are
structural engineers employed by the BBC, and we think you are just the
Charlie, ummm, person who can help us and the great corporation at the
Neddie: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes?
GTT: You see, Neddie, it is Broadcasting
House - it is in danger of collaspsing.
Neddie: Why? I looks sturdy to me
GTT: Yes and why?
Neddie: All those bricks
GTT: That is where you and Fred Nurk are fooled, you see. Broadcasting
House is not made of brick and mortar -- but of bread and strawberry
jam. You see there was a strike at the time, and rather than waiting
the building was made out of something harder than brick -- British
Neddie: But it's nearly 50 years old -- what is the problem now?
GTT: The jam, Neddie -- it is losing its stickiness. The whole place
is in danger of slipping over sideways.
Neddie: Can't you get repaired?
GTT: The builders' won't touch it. Demarcation against the bakers -- the
country could be bought to its knees without its supply of bread!
Neddie: A fate worse than death -- How can I help?
GTT: The plan is ... Morarity can I have some music please ... this is
dragging on a bit
grams: violin music under ...
GTT: The plan Neddie is to have the bread taken away slowly, and the
bakers fill the holes with sturdy new bread and extra sticky jam. That
is where you come in -- we will pay you the sum #10 per ton removed.
But no one must know.. hence the has to be *eaten* away.
Neddie: Done! But wait .. after all this time won't the bread be stale?
GTT: Not at all -- here is a sample my partner lifted from the site just
this morning. Taste and savour the bouquet....
fx: Neddie eating a loaf of bread containing a brick
Neddie: Quiet delicious... when do I start?
GTT: Just after Max Gelgray ...
Max: A musical number
William: Bread and marmalade, mate...
Wal: ... Part Two. After that heavily laboured plot, we find our
just plain heavy hero at the bottom of Broadcasting House.
Neddie: Start at the back, they said and eat in a northerly direction.
fx: Sound of Neddie eating Broadcasting House for a while.
Neddie: Whew! This is tiring work, saving the BBC from collapse. Wait a
sec ... what's this. It does not taste like a brick -- it is sort of
fx: Two whooses towards us.
GTT: Ahh Neddie ... how is the work going? And what is
that in your hand? Let Uncle Hercules see..
GTT: 'Recording of piece of knotted string'
Ahh Neddie, I see you have come across the other problem. While this
may look like two miles of recording tape it is in fact plastic
GTT: Have you ever seen plastic explosive before, Neddie?
GTT: This was planted by ... by the other side ...
Neddie: You mean ...
GTT: Yes! Now if you find any more you are to give it straight away to
Morarity here. Now on your way Neddie....
fx: More eating sounds.
GTT and Morarity: April in Paree ....
William: Bread and marmalade, mate...
Wal: ... Part Three. Outside the BBC, we see a stranger ...
Bb: Little Jim! Little Jim! Where are you?
Bb: I'll call again. Thinks: I'll call again. Little Jim! Little
Jim! Thinks: I think I called again.
William: Here madam, you can't stop here.
Bb: Your not Little Jim, and I'm not a madam. I am stout hearted East
Finchly boy scout Bluebottle. Shows junior swimmers badge, and love bite
from female lifeguard .
fx: Bb being slapped
William: What are you doing here, then?
Bb: I am on a tour of the BBC, but got lost in the canteen. The some
naughty man with a big chopper asked me if my parents knew where I was
William: Well you can get lost at the entrance as well -- now get out of
'ere before I belt ya with this 'ere clipboard
fx: Bb being slapped again
Bb: Ah!!!! Takes off in direction of out, pausing only to think rays
of death at naughty guard. toot toot toot toot toot toot
fx: Bb being slapped again, again... then a whoosh away...
William: Bread and Marmalade, mate ...
Wal: ... Part Four. Neddie is still at work inside the BBC.
Neddie: Yes, folks -- its me folks. Deep inside the BBC. I had found a
lot more of that explosive stuff and Morarity looked happier and
happier each time. Well I must get back to it...
fx: eating sounds... Then a howl from Bb as Ned bites him...
Neddie: What are you doing here?
Bb: Hiding from a naughty guard who did this...
fx: Bb being slapped sound
Bb: ... to me.
Neddie: Some people have *all* the luck
Bb: What are you doing?
Neddie: I am saving the BBC from collapse.
William: Where are you little nurk... here little
nurk... I gotta nice little cell waiting for you...
Bb: Argh! Quick down here...
fx: Footsteps running away
William: Bread and marmalade,, mate
Wal: Part six. Ray Elington
Ray: musical number
Wal: Bread and Marmalade, Part seven.
fx: loud raspberry
Wal: Thank you. We join our heros two years later. Thanks to
Neddie's tireless work, Broadcasting House is now just three metres
high and many radio stars have since died of embarasement.
fx: Cupboard door swinging open ... eerily
GTT: Hello Neddie....
fx: some sort of slap stick
Neddie: You gave me a fright!
GTT: You haven't looked in the mirror lately, have you? Now
Neddie... you have done such a good job of saving the BBC, we have
been commissioned to save another great building: the Bank of
England ... made at the same time with the same problem.
Neddie: The same problem?
GTT: Yes... except this time it was let down by the marmalades .
Neddie: How painful.
GTT: That's just what we said... now Ned, the plan is...
Wal: Part nine. At the Bank of England
William: 'ere mate. You did not let me say 'Bread and Marmalade, mate'.
Wal: I expect they have the idea by now...
GTT: Now Neddie. We have determined that this wall here is closet to
the vaults ... ummm.. in the most danger of collapse, so start
eating here, working inwards. This will expose the mulah ... ummm
... mutant foundations so the workmen can get to it. Bluebottle?
Bb: I heard you call my ... eh! you are not my captain! why you
are holding that big chopper over my little nut, my capitain...
GTT: You stay with Neddie and warn him if anyone comes near. This
operation must be done in secret
Bb: salutes his new Capitan, clouting himself with a brick.
fx: eating sounds, fading...
Wal: Part, errr ..
fx: pages being flipped and quiet counting
Wal: .. ten. Inside the Bank of England
Eccles: A life on the
ocean wave ...
Bb: Hullo Eccles
E: Hullo Bottle
Bb: Hullo Eccles
E: Hullo Bottle
Bb: What are you doing here?
E: I came to get a loan. I came here this morning and went up to
the lady and said
Eccles: (pre-rec) "Hello, my good woman -- I would like to see the
Bb: And what did she say?
Woman (Peter): (pre-rec) And you are?
Eccles: Then I said...
Eccles: (pre-rec) T.F. Eccles
Bb: Eh! I wish I could say things like that. If I said things like
that may be Molly Nasher would notice me...
E: Well I didn't tell you what she said... she said ... she said..
Woman (pre-rec): This way Mr Eccles.
E: And then I was shown into the managers' office. Then I said
Eccles: (pre-rec) I would like to get a loan to buy a boat. This man
sold me an anchor this morning ...
grams: s/x of anchor being dropped
Eccles: (pre-rec) ... and I'm not stupid. I know you don't need an
anchor with out a boat, so I gonna get me a boat. I gotta anchor...
you can't have a boat with out an anchor, and you don't need an anchor
Eccles: And then he said...
Manager (Peter): (pre-rec) Yes, Mr Eccles... and what have you to
secure this boat loan with?
Eccles: (pre-rec) Well I got this anchor.
Manager: (pre-rec) Well we don't usually take anchors as collateral, do
you have anything else?
Eccles: (pre-rec) Well I got my health.
Manager: (pre-rec) That will do nicely.
Eccles: What are you doing here, Bottle?
Bb: I am watching Neddie save the Bank of England. See ... he is
over there ...
Wal: Part twelve. Meantime, somewhere else in the Bank of England.
fx: clinking coins
Min: HENRYYYY! HENRYYY!!
Crun: There is no need to shout, Banking Min. I'm .. mink... not
deaf you know.
Min: I know that, but you were asleep, Banking Crun.
Crun: me? asleep? no! never! I never sleep when
I am counting her majesties ...
Crun: one, two, three, four
fx: coins clinking over top of this.
fx: coins falling all over floor
Min: Hurry up so we can go home!
Crun: I would ... except you keep startling me and I loose my place.
Crun: one, two, three, four, five...
fx: clinking coins over the top of this.
Wal: Part 13 -- the lucky last
Morarity: Owwww.... look at this GT. A loverly little bank vault
with a Neddie size hole in it.
GTT: Yes... hasn't he done well. Now we just slip in...
fx: footsteps into a bank vault (lots of echo). For the next
little while, put a strong echo onto the voices. There is some
light snoring in the background
Mortarity: There he is asleep in the corner ... with lots of loverly
mulha... all ours! Owwwww...
Both: April in Paree ...
GTT: Wait Morarity... something is missing here ... lets check...
the bank is here ... the vault is here.. we are in the vault...
Charlie is here... the money is....
Morarity: ... gone! But where?
orches: theme, up and under..
Wal: That was the Goon Show. A not-yet recorded BBC program...