Newsgroups: From: russells eccles (Russell Street) Subject: A new and mostly original GS script! .... Message-ID: <> Reply-To: (Russell Street) Organization: University of Auckland, New Zealand. Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1993 03:28:22 GMT Lines: 539 Below is a Goon Show that I wrote. Comments, critism and small unmarked bills are accepted. ---------------------------------------------------- Russell Street ( "I may not say much, -- but what I do say don't make much sense!" (Intelligence Officer Eccles) ============================================================ 'Bread and Marmalade', by Russell Street ( with suggestions from David Bromage. Permission to freely distribute this as long as my name is not removed, you don't try to make any money from it and all the usual needle-nardle-nu. ============================================================ Players: Wallace Greenslade: Wal, announcer playing himself Peter Sellers: Bb -- Bluebottle, Crun -- Henry Crun GTT -- Hercules Grypetype Thyne William -- William Mate Spike Milligan: Eccles Morarity Min -- Minnie Banister Harry Secombe: Neddie Wal: This is the BBC fx: explosion Bluebottle: Eh! What was that! Wal: Blast -- missed. Neddie: Now now, Mr Greenslade. That is no way to blow up young Bluebottle. You do it like this! fx: long and loud explosion + cries of Bluebottle being dead-ed Bb: You wrotten swines... Wal: This would be a good time to mention that tonight's program is... William: <cutting in> Bread and jam, mate Wal: ... which is presented as a substitute for entertainment.. fx: fade in static on wireless John Snagge: <fading in> ... the minister said they were just good friends. And finally in the entertainment news, it was rumoured that Mr Spike Milligna -- well known writing-type author and tax avoider -- paid the BBC the sum of #30,000 for not broadcasting a recently discovered Goon Show. A BBC spokesman said the tape had been found behind a wall panel in Broadcasting House. When asked, Mr Milligna said... Spike: 'If you don't get that <beep> microphone out of my face I will...' fx: radio popping off GTT: You hear that, Moriarity? We've come back to haunt him. Morarity: Owwww ... GTT: And again... Morarity: Owwwwwwww.... GTT: Very good, but keep it under control we may need it to pay for the central heating. fx: knock at the door GTT: Answer that Moriarity, while I put my iron my false teeth. fx: knock at the door, nearly identical to the first one GTT: Very clever -- now see who is at the door fx: Door creaking open Neddie: Good morning! May I ... fx: Door slamming shut GTT: Who was it? Morarity: Blast! I knew I forgot something fx: knock at the door -- more determined this time fx: Door opening GTT: Come in, little Charlie and warm yourself by this bust of Queen Victoria Neddie: Thank you. <quickly, like a salesman> May I interest you interest you in a fine recording of a wondrous new singer? Just let me play you a sample on my portable all-leather, hand-operated electric type gramaphone and teeth sharpener. grams: Prototypical Secombe recording for about 5 seconds then needle scratching record sound GTT: Oh dear. Is the popularity waning? Neddie: Please by this record, please? I'm starving and haven't had any for seven hours. I haven't had any food for four hours, neither. I am so hungry I could eat a house. Morarity: You mean a horse... Neddie: So I do. This script is difficult to read. Morarity: <aside> You think you have problems: I had to write it... GTT: You've been at the brandy again, haven't you.. Geldgray: No he hasn't -- I ain't on for another three minutes! Neddie: what, what, what, what, what, what, what... GTT: Please, not in a built-up area Neddie: Ying-tong-yiddle-I-po! All: Good! Neddie: Two down, eight to go GTT: <close to mic> Morarity, this little Charlies' adlibbing has given be a brilliant idea. Go down into the cellar and fetch me a brick, while I find a loaf of bread. <Aloud, To Neddie> Step outside for a moment while my partner and I talk buiszzz. Neddie: But he just went down to the cellar GTT: It's our office -- we never take work home with us Neddie: Right ho fx: sound of Neddie leaving room with accompanying strange noises, door shutting (all to make this next line funny) GTT: I do wish he wouldn't do that... Morarity: Right. One brick. What are you going to do with it? GTT: If our highly steamed author is prepared to pay so highly for us not to be bought back to life, imagine what others would pay for their recordings not to be found. <to Neddie> Come in, Charlie fx: Door opening, Neddie coming back into room with the same sort of noises as before, door closing GTT: We must get him fixed. Neddie: My name is not Charlie, it's Neddie Seagoon folks <sings loudly> For he's a golly good fellowwww -- and so say all of us!! fx: Dead silence GTT: You silly twisted boy Morarity: <aside> Three down, seven to go GTT: Listen, Neddie. Allow me to introduce ourselves. I am Hercules GTT draughter of no fixed brew, and jam shaluterer to the lost causes of yenom, and this is my business partner Count Jim 'Logarthims' Morarity, ... We are structural engineers employed by the BBC, and we think you are just the Charlie, ummm, person who can help us and the great corporation at the same time. Neddie: <excitdly> Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes? GTT: <in his plot hatching voice> You see, Neddie, it is Broadcasting House - it is in danger of collaspsing. Neddie: Why? I looks sturdy to me GTT: Yes and why? Neddie: All those bricks GTT: That is where you and Fred Nurk are fooled, you see. Broadcasting House is not made of brick and mortar -- but of bread and strawberry jam. You see there was a strike at the time, and rather than waiting the building was made out of something harder than brick -- British bread. Neddie: But it's nearly 50 years old -- what is the problem now? GTT: The jam, Neddie -- it is losing its stickiness. The whole place is in danger of slipping over sideways. Neddie: Can't you get repaired? GTT: The builders' won't touch it. Demarcation against the bakers -- the country could be bought to its knees without its supply of bread! Neddie: A fate worse than death -- How can I help? GTT: The plan is ... Morarity can I have some music please ... this is dragging on a bit grams: violin music under ... GTT: The plan Neddie is to have the bread taken away slowly, and the bakers fill the holes with sturdy new bread and extra sticky jam. That is where you come in -- we will pay you the sum #10 per ton removed. But no one must know.. hence the has to be *eaten* away. Neddie: Done! But wait .. after all this time won't the bread be stale? GTT: Not at all -- here is a sample my partner lifted from the site just this morning. Taste and savour the bouquet.... fx: Neddie eating a loaf of bread containing a brick Neddie: <Burp> Quiet delicious... when do I start? GTT: Just after Max Gelgray ... Max: A musical number William: Bread and marmalade, mate... Wal: ... Part Two. After that heavily laboured plot, we find our just plain heavy hero at the bottom of Broadcasting House. Neddie: Start at the back, they said and eat in a northerly direction. Right. fx: Sound of Neddie eating Broadcasting House for a while. Neddie: Whew! This is tiring work, saving the BBC from collapse. Wait a sec ... what's this. It does not taste like a brick -- it is sort of plastic like... fx: Two whooses towards us. GTT: <out of breath> Ahh Neddie ... how is the work going? And what is that in your hand? Let Uncle Hercules see.. Morarity: Owwww.... GTT: <quietly, reading> 'Recording of piece of knotted string' <aloud> Ahh Neddie, I see you have come across the other problem. While this may look like two miles of recording tape it is in fact plastic explosive. Neddie: <gulp> GTT: Have you ever seen plastic explosive before, Neddie? Neddie: no. GTT: This was planted by ... by the other side ... Neddie: You mean ... GTT: Yes! Now if you find any more you are to give it straight away to Morarity here. Now on your way Neddie.... fx: More eating sounds. GTT and Morarity: <singing and fading> April in Paree .... William: Bread and marmalade, mate... Wal: ... Part Three. Outside the BBC, we see a stranger ... Bb: <calling> Little Jim! Little Jim! Where are you? fx: silence Bb: I'll call again. Thinks: I'll call again. <calling> Little Jim! Little Jim! <speaking> Thinks: I think I called again. William: Here madam, you can't stop here. Bb: Your not Little Jim, and I'm not a madam. I am stout hearted East Finchly boy scout Bluebottle. Shows junior swimmers badge, and love bite from female lifeguard <he he he>. fx: Bb being slapped William: What are you doing here, then? Bb: I am on a tour of the BBC, but got lost in the canteen. The some naughty man with a big chopper asked me if my parents knew where I was and <ya> William: Well you can get lost at the entrance as well -- now get out of 'ere before I belt ya with this 'ere clipboard fx: Bb being slapped again Bb: Ah!!!! Takes off in direction of out, pausing only to think rays of death at naughty guard. toot toot toot toot toot toot fx: Bb being slapped again, again... then a whoosh away... William: Bread and Marmalade, mate ... Wal: ... Part Four. Neddie is still at work inside the BBC. Neddie: Yes, folks -- its me folks. Deep inside the BBC. I had found a lot more of that explosive stuff and Morarity looked happier and happier each time. Well I must get back to it... fx: eating sounds... Then a howl from Bb as Ned bites him... Bb: Eh! Neddie: What are you doing here? Bb: Hiding from a naughty guard who did this... fx: Bb being slapped sound Bb: ... to me. Neddie: Some people have *all* the luck Bb: What are you doing? Neddie: I am saving the BBC from collapse. William: <off, calling> Where are you little nurk... here little nurk... I gotta nice little cell waiting for you... Bb: Argh! Quick down here... fx: Footsteps running away William: Bread and marmalade,, mate Wal: Part six. Ray Elington Ray: musical number Wal: Bread and Marmalade, Part seven. fx: loud raspberry Wal: Thank you. We join our heros two years later. Thanks to Neddie's tireless work, Broadcasting House is now just three metres high and many radio stars have since died of embarasement. fx: Cupboard door swinging open ... eerily GTT: <equally eerily> Hello Neddie.... fx: some sort of slap stick Neddie: You gave me a fright! GTT: You haven't looked in the mirror lately, have you? Now Neddie... you have done such a good job of saving the BBC, we have been commissioned to save another great building: the Bank of England ... made at the same time with the same problem. Neddie: The same problem? GTT: Yes... except this time it was let down by the marmalades . Neddie: How painful. GTT: That's just what we said... now Ned, the plan is... <fades> Wal: Part nine. At the Bank of England William: 'ere mate. You did not let me say 'Bread and Marmalade, mate'. Wal: <sounding tired> I expect they have the idea by now... GTT: Now Neddie. We have determined that this wall here is closet to the vaults ... ummm.. in the most danger of collapse, so start eating here, working inwards. This will expose the mulah ... ummm ... mutant foundations so the workmen can get to it. Bluebottle? Bb: I heard you call my ... eh! you are not my captain! <gulp> why you are holding that big chopper over my little nut, my capitain... GTT: You stay with Neddie and warn him if anyone comes near. This operation must be done in secret Bb: salutes his new Capitan, clouting himself with a brick. thinks: ouch fx: eating sounds, fading... Wal: Part, errr .. fx: pages being flipped and quiet counting Wal: .. ten. Inside the Bank of England Eccles: <singing quietly, approaching getting louder> A life on the ocean wave ... Bb: Hullo Eccles E: Hullo Bottle Bb: Hullo Eccles E: Hullo Bottle Bb: What are you doing here? E: I came to get a loan. I came here this morning and went up to the lady and said Eccles: (pre-rec) "Hello, my good woman -- I would like to see the manager." Bb: And what did she say? Woman (Peter): (pre-rec) And you are? Eccles: Then I said... Eccles: (pre-rec) T.F. Eccles Bb: Eh! I wish I could say things like that. If I said things like that may be Molly Nasher would notice me... E: Well I didn't tell you what she said... she said ... she said.. Woman (pre-rec): This way Mr Eccles. E: And then I was shown into the managers' office. Then I said Eccles: (pre-rec) I would like to get a loan to buy a boat. This man sold me an anchor this morning ... grams: s/x of anchor being dropped Eccles: (pre-rec) ... and I'm not stupid. I know you don't need an anchor with out a boat, so I gonna get me a boat. I gotta anchor... you can't have a boat with out an anchor, and you don't need an anchor without boat. Eccles: And then he said... Manager (Peter): (pre-rec) Yes, Mr Eccles... and what have you to secure this boat loan with? Eccles: (pre-rec) Well I got this anchor. Manager: (pre-rec) Well we don't usually take anchors as collateral, do you have anything else? Eccles: (pre-rec) Well I got my health. Manager: (pre-rec) That will do nicely. Eccles: What are you doing here, Bottle? Bb: I am watching Neddie save the Bank of England. See ... he is over there ... <fades> Wal: Part twelve. Meantime, somewhere else in the Bank of England. fx: clinking coins Min: HENRYYYY! HENRYYY!! Crun: There is no need to shout, Banking Min. I'm .. mink... not deaf you know. Min: I know that, but you were asleep, Banking Crun. Crun: <mink> me? asleep? no! never! I never sleep <slowing down> when I am counting her majesties ... <snores> Min: HENRY!!!! Crun: <waking up noise, then counting> one, two, three, four fx: coins clinking over top of this. Min: HENRY!!!! fx: coins falling all over floor Min: Hurry up so we can go home! Crun: I would ... except you keep startling me and I loose my place. <this now degenerates into an adlibed argument, with escalating sound effects etc. It reaches a crasendo and then stops -- somehow> Crun: one, two, three, four, five... fx: clinking coins over the top of this. Wal: Part 13 -- the lucky last Morarity: Owwww.... look at this GT. A loverly little bank vault with a Neddie size hole in it. GTT: Yes... hasn't he done well. Now we just slip in... fx: footsteps into a bank vault (lots of echo). For the next little while, put a strong echo onto the voices. There is some light snoring in the background Mortarity: There he is asleep in the corner ... with lots of loverly mulha... all ours! Owwwww... Both: April in Paree ... GTT: Wait Morarity... something is missing here ... lets check... the bank is here ... the vault is here.. we are in the vault... Charlie is here... the money is.... Morarity: ... gone! But where? fx: Burp! orches: theme, up and under.. Wal: That was the Goon Show. A not-yet recorded BBC program... ============================================================