Greenslade	This is ABC Radio National.
Seagoon	That's abolutely right, Mr Greenslade. And we're proud of it. Did you notice the word "radio" in the title? That's what we're proud of. Because radio is the major competitor to television! And that's what this Goon Show is all about. Its title is:
Orchestra	Dramatic chords
Seagoon	Oh dear. Mr Greenslade, can you remember what the title of this Goon Show is?
Greenslade	No. My job is to announce the title, not remember it!
Seagoon	Can you announce it in my hearing then, so I can remember what it is?
Greenslade	Certainly. Just remind me what it is?
Seagoon	It's the title of this Goon Show. You should have it printed at the top of your copy of the script.
Greenslade	Ah, there it is. Dear listeners, the title of this Goon Show is:
Orchestra	More dramatic chords
Greenslade	"This script belongs to Wallace Greenslade. If found, please return to ABC Radio National, telephone 9626 1600"
Grams	Wild applause
Seagoon	No no no Wallace! That's not it! Try the next line.
Greenslade	All right then. Ladies and Gentlemen the title of this Goon Show is:
Orchestra	More dramatic chords
Greenslade	"Greenslade: This is ABC Radio National"
Orchestra	Raspberry
Greenslade	All right, I give up! What is the title of this Goon Show?
Mad Genius	I haven't thought of one yet! If you think up something appropriate, don't hesitate to interrupt the show and ask me.
Greenslade	Right. That's that announcing done. Now what is this Goon Show about?
Seagoon	It's a special Goon Show having a few pot shots at our great enemy.
Greenslade	The Russians? Communism? Naziism? Fascism? Oh. Er  The Commissioner of the ABC?
Seagoon	No no no. The great enemy of radio. The one we fight side by side with the BBC Home Service, former custodian of the Goons.
Grams	Tumultuous standing applause, cheers, etc.
Greenslade	Oh, you mean  Oh, yes. Now I know. But I'm not going to tell the listeners. They'll both know by the end anyway, so it won't do any harm.
Seagoon	Yes. As I was saying, it's a special one taking pot shots at our great enemy, because the writer forgot to put the pot shots in his last few Goon Shows. So he has to make up for it here, doesn't he? Ha ha ahem. So much for humour. Grytpype, I think you'd better take over before the audience start throwing rotten tomatoes at me.
Grytpype	Hmm, yes. If they throw at you they could hardly miss, could they. Well, carry on. I've often wondered what happens when an irresistable tomato meets an immovable Welshman.
Grams	Tomato splosh in face
Grytpype	Ah, so that's what happens.
Seagoon	Now, while I clean myself up, you may get on with the show.
Grytpype	Thank you. Now dear listener. This show is all about me, the richest man in Australia, Rupert Murdoch. I own a whole bunch of television stations, so of course it's my business to make sure people watch them.
Greenslade	Excuse me? Thank you. Mr Angeligoon, I've just thought up a title. How about The Life and Times of Sir Hercules Murdoch-Thynne?
Mad Genius	No good. Sounds too much like a TV documentary.
Greenslade	All right then. Do please carry on, Mr Thynne.
Grytpype	Certainly. As I was saying. I was embarking on a campaign to increase the number of people watching television. To do this, I used my position of wealth and influence to eliminate all other means of entertainment, such as radio, cinema, theatre, and the internet.
Greenslade	Now listeners may be worried that this conflicts with Grytpype's role last week as Bill Gates, the one who wants people to use the internet rather than television. In that case, I would like to reassure you that these considerations are no trouble at all. Please remember that when the late Spike Milligan was writing the Goon Shows, -
Grams	Tumultuous standing ovation
Greenslade	Thank you, thank you. As I was saying, when Spike was writing, he regularly had various members of the cast put away in prison, in lunatic asylums, or even dead, but they came back the next week just the same. Now my point is this: If Spike could get people out of prison, or even raise the dead, why can't Michael Angeligoon make them change their mind? It is these little snippets of information and explanation that make me think that my job is well worthwhile.
Grams	Applause
Greenslade	Thank you Greensladers! Each of you please pick up a knighthood as you go out. Now then, back to the story.
Seagoon	Yes. Where's my speaking trumpet? Ah there. I'll just unblock it with this unblock.
Orchestra	Trumpet note
Seagoon	There. Now then, Hello folks, calling folks! This story is about me, Neddie Seagoon. Mr Murdoch-Thynne thinks it's about him, but that's just his ego. Now then.
Greenslade	Excuse me? I've just thought up another title. How about The Great Sponning Television Plague?
Mad Genius	No, sounds like an artificially made-up Goon Show title. We want it to sound like a naturally made-up one.
Greenslade	All right. I'll think again. Do please carry on.
Seagoon	Where was I? Oh yes, I was saying "Now then" for the plinteenth time. Now then. The story started one day when I was listening to the radio. That doesn't narrow down the selection of days very much, but it's the best I could do. I was resting my ears in between programs when this advertisment came over the airwaves:
Grams	Grytpype: "Why settle for simply listening to the radio when on television you can watch it as well? For the paltry sum of several thousand dollars plus a monthly subscription of the same, you can pick up my new cable television station, complete with sound and vision! You would be able to see and hear a roast dinner enough to make your mouth water, but taste it? No way, that's the privilege of the man at the top, who takes all your money and lives off your credulity. For further details call Sir Hercules Murdoch-Thynne."
Seagoon	What an opportunity! To have cable television in my own living room! I'll dial the number at once.
FX	Phone off hook, dialling
Seagoon	Hello, hello? Sir Hercules Murdoch-Thynne? Oh dear, he's hung up.
FX	Dialling
Seagoon	Hello? Ah, Hercules! I heard your ad on the radio and I want to take you up on it.
Grams	Grytpype, tinny as if on phone: Evil laughter; "Certainly. Where do you live?"
Seagoon	No Fixed Abode.
Grams	Grytpype as before: "Right. I'll send one of my engineers out to you this afternoon."
Seagoon	Wonderful! Or, if you speak Greek, Wunderbar! And while I wait for the men to work, I will listen to this movie starring Max Geldray!
Max & Orchestra	Music
Greenslade	Now that a certain Dutch fiend has finished gnashing his teeth, we rejoin Neddie who is watching his newly-installed television.
Quiz show announcer	(US-type accent) Welcome to the Cable TV channel of Sir Hercules Murdoch-Thynne! We haven't decided on a name for this channel, so if you think of one, don't hesitate to interrupt the show and suggest it. Now then, here is the news. Oh no, that's not right. We don't do that sort of thing on this channel. Here is our quiz show!
Grams	Boos, wailing
Quiz show announcer	Yes folks, this is the sort of thing you're paying several thousand dollars a month for. Now then, first question. Define the universe and give three examples.
Bluebottle	You rotten swine you!
Quiz show announcer	Wrong, you lose. Next contestant please. Question two. What are dog biscuits made from?
Bloodnok	Collie flour?
Quiz show announcer	Do you think this is a humour show sir?
Bloodnok	Well it's called the Goon Show, isn't it?
Quiz show announcer	No, I mean this simulated recording of a TV show within the Goon Show.
Bloodnok	Well the writer got me to make a joke on your TV show, so if you don't like it you can go jump in the lake!
Grams	Jelly splosh in face
Little Jim	He's fallen in the water!
Quiz show announcer	It was difficult but we got it in. Now then, question number three. What is the speed of dark?
Seagoon	You dirty trickster! Who gave you that list of questions?
Quiz show announcer	I found them on the script! Now, last chance, question four. What is a synonym?
Seagoon	I know that one! I know it! At last, I'll get the grand prize! Mr Announcer! I've got the answer! It's a word to use when you can't spell the other!
Grams	Cheering
Seagoon	Thank you! Thank you! Calm down, it wasn't that funny! Now then, what's the prize?
Quiz show announcer	A month's free subscription to our Cable TV! Ten million movies broadcast per day, no ads, and it's so addictive that we'll reap a fortune out of you over the next few years!
Seagoon	Hooray! Free movies for a month! I'll start watching right away! Here's a western!
Grams	Pistols, rifles, machine guns, sounds of conflict
Seagoon	Lovely! And here's a romance!
Grams	Sopping violin
Seagoon	(cry behind voice) Very touching! And what about this humour show?
Grams	Greenslade: "This is the BBC Home Service", distorted
Seagoon	Very funny. I'm not amused in the least. Where's that telephone?
FX	Phone off hook
Seagoon	Hercules?
Grytpype	Yes?
Seagoon	If you don't improve the standard of your humour shows, I'll renounce my month's subscription and demand my quiz show back, since I didn't pay any money!
Grytpype	Thank you. Goodbye!
FX	Phone on hook
Greenslade	And so, as Seagoon watched movies, his eyes grew squarer and squarer, and his conversation began to consist of nothing but movie quotes. To relieve ourselves from this terrible scene, we will change the channel to this video of Ray Ellington.
Ray & Orchestra	Music
Greenslade	Thank you very much, Mr Ellington. I shall arrange for medical attention for you as soon as I've finished this Goon Show. Now then. If all three of you listeners will gaze raptly at the speaker of your radio set, while standing on your head with a hairy army boot on your knees and munching a gas stove, you might be able to hear a photocopy of the sound track of Part Two.
Seagoon	What was all that about, Mr Angeligoon?
Mad Genius	Just putting a few typical Goonisms into the script so people can't tell it's not good old Spike writing.
Greenslade	As I was saying. In Part Two we see that Neddie is becoming addicted to cable television, and the subscriptions are wearing out his bank account.
Seagoon	Yes, I'm so broke I'm thinking of starting my own government! I'm so broke, I can't even pay attention! But it's not hard to meet expenses, you know. Not hard at all. They're everywhere!
Greenslade	Please Mr Seagoon! Stop giving us those canned one-line jokes! As I was saying, in this scene he is watching the news.
Colin Denovan	Here is the evening news service of Murdoch-Thynne's cable TV station. News has been received that ten billion ball-point pen creatures are planning an invasion of planet earth. They have allied themselves with all the ball-point pens currently in residence on the planet, which is causing our pens to go into hiding. When this happens, they are meeting in secret to plan for the revolution. Volunteers are asked to buy every ball-point pen on the planet and concrete them into a tiny room so that they can't harm the other natives. If anyone can help, please telephone Mr Murdoch-Thynne on 09 8765 4321.
Seagoon	What? I don't believe it! How on earth can ordinary pens do all that?
Colin Denovan	Haven't you heard that the pen is mightier than the sword?
Seagoon	Yes! You're right! I'd hate to have the pens of the world clubbing together against people! Well, I'll have to do it!
Colin Denovan	Thank you Mr Seagoon. Your services are accepted gratefully.
Seagoon	Now to start this deed. I'm not one to put my hand to the plough and look back! I'll see this job through to the finish! Those pens will never hurt a human being! Their day of revolution will come and go and there'll be nothing at all on the news! The history books will resound with the name of Ned Seagoon, the man who saved the world! (sings) For he's a jolly good fellow -
Grytpype	You silly, twisted boy you!
Seagoon	Ahem. Thank you. Now then, my first stationer. I have to buy the entire stock of pens.
FX	Door opens, inc the little bell that says someone's coming in
Seagoon	Good morning.
Crun	Morning, morning 
Minnie	Morning 
Seagoon	Please cut that lot out, I'm in a hurry.
Crun	Cut what out?
Seagoon	The good morning stuff!
Crun	What? Oh yes, the "Morning, morning "
Minnie	Morrning 
Whole cast	"Morning" at various tempos, all at once
Seagoon	Enough! Now then. I would like to buy a ball-point pen.
Crun	Ah yes. Any particular brand?
Seagoon	No, any kind is fine.
Crun	How about this one here?
Seagoon	Just the kind I want. I'd like to buy your entire stock.
Crun	I have a whole pallet load out the back, do you want that as well?
Seagoon	Yes yes yesyesyesYES! I must get every single pen so they can't start a revolution and kill us all!
Crun	I hope you know we can't arrange transport for you.
Seagoon	That's all right! I have a helper who can carry some for me.
Bluebottle	I heard you call me my capitan! Enter the world's favourite East Finchley Boy Scout, equipped with a few cardboard and string shopping bags to carry my lovely little captin's ball-point-type pens in. Waves bags to audience to keep them clapping, notices not a sosinge. Thinks: have the public forgotted me? Exits left, sadly disappointed.
Seagoon	Come back you spotty Boy Scout!
Bluebottle (off)	No I won't! I do not like this game where nobody applauds little Bluebottle! I'm staying here off stage!
Seagoon	Bluebottle you swine, take that!
FX	Slapstick
Bluebottle	Ow! You have hitted me on the nut! All right, I'll help if you can get me the sosinges.
Seagoon	Oh, all right. Audience, I present:
Orchestra	"Presenting " chords
Seagoon	Bluebottle!
Grams	Applause
Bluebottle	Thank you, thank you! Now then, my capitan, where are these pens you want me to carry?
Seagoon	In that pallet over there marked "One million ball-point pens. Gross weight one ton. Do not drop on toes."
Bluebottle	One ton? Ee he he. Quickly tries to think of a way to make my capitan think I'm not as strong as that without damaging my reputation. Thinks: I can't think of a way. Oh dear. Searches in pocket for heavy duty jack and semi-trailer. Finds nothing. I must have left them in my pocket when I put that pair of trousers in the wash.
Seagoon	Bluebottle, what's wrong? Can't you move that crate by yourself?
Bluebottle	No my capitan. I am sorry, but it is simply too heavy.
Seagoon	I'll have to find another idiot. Let me see who I can find.
Eccles	[ ]
Seagoon	Aha! Eccles, come and help Bluebottle with this crate of pens.
Eccles	All right. Now, you take this end 
Bluebottle	(strains)
Eccles	And I'll take this end  (strains)
Bluebottle	Oooh, it's hard lifting from out here. I think I'd rather try lifting the crate from inside it.
FX	Creak like opening a wooden box
Bluebottle	In I go. Now then Eccles, let's lift together!
Both	(strains)
Bluebottle	Oh, it's much easier lifting from in here. All right, let's take these pens to the concrete prison!
Seagoon	Let's see Mr Murdoch-Thynne put that on television! Now then. While Eccles and Bluebottle put these pens in prison, charged with attempting a revolution, I will put on this record of a conversation between a stationary shop proprieter and his supplier of ball-point pens.
Crun	Hello? Supplier of ball-point pens?
Supplier	Yes?
Crun	I need another crate of pens. My last lot has been sold.
Supplier	What, already?
Crun	Yes. There's a man going round buying all the pens in stock. He must do a lot of writing. How soon can you get me some more stocks?
Supplier	Tomorrow. Hm. If what you say is right, I think we'll scale up production. We can open a new factory and produce a crate of pens every three minutes. What a profit we'll make!
Crun	Thank you. Goodbye!
Seagoon	And that's the end of that record. Well folks. I had quite a job ahead of me. I had to get every pen that the new factory produced and put it into the concrete prison. I'll catch this recording of a tram (because I'm in Melbourne, you know), and talk to the manager of the new factory.
Grams	Citadis tram stopping; door opens; Seagoon steps on; validates ticket; door closes; ding ding; moves off at high speed
Grams	Tram sounds (continues under)
Seagoon	Ah, I'm on my way. I'll just make sure I've got all my vital equipment. Let me see. One self-inflating ball-point-pen decoy designed by Emperor Napoleon  A hundred and thirty three crates of magnetic plinn-powered anti-pen defences  One portable eight lane freeway from Sydney to Perth, just add water, brandy and Footo! The Wonder Boot Exploder  One double decker bus, to remind the listeners that the original Goons came from London  Good. All here. Now to sit down and pass the time listening to the other passengers on the tram.
Bluebottle	I say, Eccles, what do you think of the metric system?
Eccles	Oh, I love it! I'll support it every inch of the way!
Bluebottle	Every inch?
Eccles	Yer.
Bluebottle	Why do you like it so much?
Eccles	Well, it's a good system, Bottle. If it wasn't a good system I wouldn't like it so much, you know.
Bluebottle	What makes it a good system?
Eccles	Oh, er, my support! I support it every inch of the way, so that makes it a good system!
Bluebottle	Aha. Do you think everyone else likes you supporting it?
Eccles	I never heard anyone complain about it!
Bluebottle	No?
Eccles	No, they always try to shoot me for supporting it so I can't hear them complaining!
Bluebottle	Have they ever hit you when they shoot?
Eccles	Yer. I got a bullet come in through my chest and go out through my back!
Bluebottle	And it didn't go through your heart and kill you?
Eccles	No, my heart was in my boots at the time!
Bluebottle	Why was your heart in your boots?
Eccles	Because inches had been made illegal by the metric system!
Orchestra	Corny chord
Seagoon	Eccles, let me give you a little advice. Don't let your mind wander. It's too little to be let out!
Grams	Tram sounds stop
Seagoon	Now then. Here we are at the new factory. Let's get off and confront the manager.
Moriarty	Aha, that's my cue. Good morning, my little round customer. I am the great Count Jim "Factories" 
FX	Factory whistle
Moriarty	  Moriarty, chief manager of this great pen factory. I understand you wish to buy my entire output?
Seagoon	That is correct.
Moriarty	Owwwwwwwwwwwwwww, how wonderful! Just pay me ten thousand dollars, and the production line of this factory is yours, with free transport!
Seagoon	Ten thousand dollars?
Moriarty	Yes.
Seagoon	Ah, you know, money is the root of all evil! You don't really want that much money do you?
Moriarty	Sapristi dollars, why not? I'm Moriarty! You know me, I've got to have money and food! I've got to have money and food, folks!
Seagoon	Well, I don't have any. So you can't.
Moriarty	Then you don't get any pens either!
Seagoon	Oh all right, but just remember me when your stock of pens starts attacking you. I'm going. Now to listen to the news on the radio.
Colin Denovan	Stock exchange report. Sir Hercules Murdoch-Thynne rose sharply, due mostly to some new acquisitions in the stationery industry. Profits in these companies rose sharply and Murdoch-Thynne made a handsome profit. This was due in part to a hoax rumour spread by Mr Murdoch-Thynne that pens were trying to start a revolution and claim the planet for themselves. There, that's the news read, and please don't act surprised because it's the obvious thing to happen.
Seagoon	What what what? Hoax? Oh, that villain! Where's my telephone?
FX	Phone rings
Seagoon	Hello, Mr Murdoch-Thynne?
Grytpype	Yes?
Seagoon	Glad you called, now I can give you a piece of my mind.
Grytpype	Don't worry, I don't need it. I've already got all your money!
Seagoon	So you have. Ahhhhhhh!
FX	Body hits floor
Grytpype	For those of you who aren't watching this on my Cable Television, he's fainted. Well, that's it, the Goon Show is over. Pretty predictable of course, but it's the best the writer could do at short notice. Actually it wasn't at short notice, but he needs every excuse he can get. Goodnight.
Greenslade	Ah, before you go. Did anyone think of a good title for this show? No? Good. Thank you.